Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 8, Episode 21 - Councilman DeFazio - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Here's your change, lady.

Bye.

Hello, Frank.

Councilman Pike, it's that
time of the year again, huh?

Yes, it's that annual
time of the year

when I come to
visit the little people.

Aw...

Those are the people
that really matter the most,

the ones that I really
care about, Frank.

Do you have my check?

I'll... I'll make it out
for you right away.

No, no, no, don't...
d-don't bother at all.

I'll take cash.

That's all right,
cash is just as easy.

- Listen, Frank.
- Yeah.

How about a cup of coffee
and a little something?

Hey, Mary, a cup of coffee
and a little something!

And make sure the cream
is real cream, no powder.

Hey.

You know what a pleasure
it is to make a contribution

to your campaign?

Well, it's my pleasure
to take your money.

You know, it costs a lot
more money now to be elected

than it did 25 years ago.

25... you've been
in... 25 years?

- (muttering)
- You know something, Frank?

The first year I was elected,
this was an orange grove.

But you and I both know that
nature's no good for business.

- Eh...
- (chuckles)

25 years.

You know, the last ten
years you're so popular,

- nobody even dare run against you.
- Well...

I got to ask you
a little question.

What have you been
doing with the money

that the little people
have been giving you?

- Frank.
- (grunts)

Do you know the cost

of not printing bumper
stickers has skyrocketed?

(laughs)

I got the same problem

with the meat I don't
put in my hamburgers.

(both laugh)

We understand each other.

That's right, hey-hey.

I guess it's a
rumor, a little joke,

that big rumor that you're
building a big complex

and tearing down
this whole thing

and you're putting up a
building that's wonderful, huh?

- It's not a rumor, Frank.
- No?

Next year at this time, there'll
be a brand-new complex

right here in this very spot.

You're gonna build it
around Cowboy Bill's?

Not around it, Frankie
boy, right through it.

Hey, that's even better.

Then I'll get a restaurant
concession, right?

No, I promised that
to my future son-in-law.

Your daughter getting married?

Only if he gets the restaurant.

You know, I love my daughter,
but you've seen her picture...

She looks just like her mother.

That means that I can,
uh, cater the office parties.

No, I promised that
to my other daughter...

Also not a looker.

But she makes a great dip.

Are you trying to tell me

all I'm gonna do is
run the coffee cart?

You can run the coffee
cart but not in my building.

(laughs)

Wait a second, you
can't get away with this.

There's laws against
that sort of thing.

Yes, and I make the laws.

(chuckles) Listen, I'll see you
in the election booth, okay?

And if you want anything,
Frank, call my secretary.

She's there all the time.

(Laverne groaning)

Banana.

Don't ask me anything.

I got to think, and I
came here to be alone.

Okay?

Okay, Pop, but if
you want to be alone,

why didn't you go to your
own place to be alone?

Well, because sometimes you
got to be with somebody to be alone.

Still got that kissing
disease, huh?

Pop, there are other ways
of getting mononucleosis

other than from kissing.

A "terlet" seat?

Why would I kiss a terlet seat?

I don't know.

You get it just
like you get a cold.

So, what's the matter with you?

Well, I got a whole thing going
with that, uh, that councilman,

that, uh, Clayton Pike.

Clayton... oh, Clayton Pike.

Yeah, I know him.

He's been in office so long,

half the babies he kissed
have babies of their own.

Too bad he didn't get mono.

What have you got
against Pike all of a sudden?

Huh?

Yeah, I'll tell you
what I got against him.

He's fixing it so they're
gonna tear down Cowboy Bill's

and build a-an office
building right there.

25 years of hard
work down the drain.

Pop, Pop, you only
worked there three years.

Yeah, but I worked hard.

Seemed like 25.

Oh, Pop, I'm sorry.

I-I know how
hard this is on you.

I wish there was
something I could do,

but what could you do?

You know how tough
it is to fight city hall.

Yeah...

(sighs)

I know, you can't
fight city hall.

(Frank mutters)

Unless I was 'em.

"Was 'em"?

Yeah, I was 'em.

Was 'em, what?

That I was city hall, yeah.

That's right, that's
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna run for
council against Pike!

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

Start making the signs.

Make signs?

(door opens)

Make signs?

(door closes)

Pardon me, pardon me.

(clears throat)

But are you the, uh, young,
blonde campaign worker

that, uh, answered my ad
in the Hollywood Squealer?

Yes, I am.

Oh, you are, huh?

And you must be Mr. Squiggman.

Yes, I hope I am.

You can... you can
call me Squiggy though.

- Everybody else does.
- Okay.

Uh, well, uh, I run
this whole joint,

so tell me, what do you
think of my candidate, huh?

- I like him.
- Yeah.

He looks like a
big stuffed walrus.

Oh, well, that's not what we
had in mind, but, you know...

Well, we'll get the Eskimo
vote, but I don't know

how many Eskimos have
relocated to Southern California.

But let me tell
you about this...

this big stuffed
walrus, as you put it.

He's really a teddy bear
of politics, he really is.

I mean, the city councilship...
That's just the beginning.

But pretty soon, it'll
be the governorship,

and after that, the
presidencyship.

And after that, who knows?

Maybe his own golf tournament.

(laughs): Oh.

That sounds so exciting.

Nah, that isn't exciting.

Exciting is you.

That's where you come in.

See, when DeFazio hits
the White House, like he will,

I'm gonna see to it personal

that you get to throw
out the first inaugural ball.

(laughs)

Well...

I'm flattered.

Oh, you are?

But I have to stay and
help my father on the farm.

Oh, you're a farm girl.

Well, you see, he hasn't
been the same since he forgot

to set the parking
brake on the harvester.

I am sorry. That's...

Well, I'll tell you what, we
won't forget that old man.

Uh, when DeFazio
becomes president,

we'll make your father
Secretary of Agriculture.

- Oh...
- Can he type?

No, but he grows nice tomatoes.

Oh, please.

So you're the farmer's
daughter, huh?

You know, you're famous.

I've heard so much about you,

I feel like I
practically know you.

Say, did you ever hear the one

about you and the
traveling salesman?

- No.
- Oh, it's a saucy tale.

We much catch up on
it. We can go to my...

Hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?!

I thought you were
gonna stay and help.

Uh, stay and help.

Well, we're gonna do half of
that, we're gonna go and help.

What we're gonna do is we're
gonna get the youth vote out.

Who are you kidding, Squigg?

You know, you got to
be 21 to vote in this state.

Carmine, who are you kidding?

You're 28 and you vote.

Let's get out of here.

Rhonda, I don't think
you should campaign

door-to-door by yourself.

Oh, Carmine, why?

FRANK: He's right, he's right.

You never know who's
gonna open the door.

Well, that's why I prepared
this list of every single producer

and director who
lives in the district.

I intend to speak to every
one of them personally.

Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do, audition for them?

No! Rhonda's gone all out
for Mr. DeFazio's campaign

and I've put my
career on hold, okay?

- You did?
- I did...

I did. Well, look what I've got.

I got DeFazio
campaign brochures,

I got DeFazio bumper stickers.

- Ooh, that's...
- "DeFazio's De One."

And I've got mustaches...
for the kiddies.

- Ooh...
- What do you think? What do you think?

- Hey, that's real cute.
- Yeah.

What are these, Rhonda, huh?

Eight-by-ten glossies
of Rhonda, huh?

How's that gonna help
Mr. DeFazio's campaign?

Oh, well, listen, Carmine,
I figure if I give them

one of these, then they
won't mind taking one of these.

- That's good.
- You know what I mean?

That's good thinking,
good thinking.

And, you know, Carmine,
if they're really lucky,

I might even give
them one of these.

(chuckles): Ooh.

See you later. (giggles)

You know, if Rhonda could get
to more than six homes a day,

you'd be a shoo-in, Mr. DeFazio.

Never mind that.
Where's Squiggy?

I want him to start my car.

Since when do you trust
Squiggy with the keys to your car?

Since I'm running against Pike.

I trust him even less.

Oh, you don't think Pike would
do something like that, do you?

Nah, he wouldn't waste
any dynamite on me.

Come on. Let's finish
addressing these envelopes

before the dinner rush.

- Dinner rush?
- That's right.

Oh, you mean that one old lady
that comes in here every night

for change for the bus?

(laughs): That's
some dinner rush.

Hey, in Mr. Smith
Goes to Washington,

did Jimmy Stewart ever take
any lip from his campaign workers?

No!

Now, this is the place
where we're gonna build

that most needed project.

Right on this spot.

There's one of my loyal
supporters now. Frank.

- "I Like Pike."
- I like anchovies,

but I wouldn't want to
see one as my councilman.

Are you the owner
of this restaurant?

Lady, I'm not dressed like
this 'cause I'm going to a rodeo.

I own this place,

and I'm gonna beat that
phony for city council.

Right, I heard a rumor that
Councilman Pike was gonna have

an opponent for
the first time in years.

Lady, I'm no rumor.

I'm Frank DeFazio,
and he's a bum.

Would you care to expand
on that, Mr. DeFazio?

Yeah, yeah, he's a big bum!

Councilman.

That's the beauty of
our political system.

Even a jerk like this
can speak his mind.

Why, I'll bop him one...

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, please.

Please.

Perhaps you men would like to
debate the issues on television?

Karen, I'd be
delighted, of course.

I'd rather bop him.
That's what I'd rather do.

Gentlemen!

I can see why Mr. DeFazio
would rather avoid a confrontation.

I am sure that his public
speaking experience

is greatly limited.

(laughs) What are you,
kidding or something?

Back in high school, I
was on the debating team.

I'll debate you on TV!

I'll show you who's
got more experience!

Good, it's all settled then.

Wrap it up, boys.

Karen, I got a great
idea for the debate.

Let's not use Frank DeFazio.

Oh, I guess you told
him, Mr. DeFazio.

Hey, I didn't know you had any
experience in public speaking.

Hey, take it from me,
you're gonna kill this guy.

Carmine, I'm in
a lot of trouble.

Why?

Why? Because back in high
school, we had a debate once,

and the topic was
"Is Hitler a nice guy?"

And I said he wasn't.

Still, I lost.

We're on the air
in five seconds.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the debate
between our incumbent,

Councilman Clayton Pike...

and his opponent,
newcomer Frank DeFazio.

Let's open our phone lines now

and start taking
calls from the viewers.

Good evening. You're on the air.

What is your question?

WOMAN: I just moved
here from Molten Valley

where they have garbage
pickup three times a week.

Here, they only
pick up once a week,

and they're too
rough with my can.

If you don't believe
me, ask my husband.

- What are you gonna do about it?
- Gentlemen?

I believe that people shouldn't
have to live with garbage.

And if my lovely
wife is any indication,

women can be
garbage collectors, too.

Mr. DeFazio.

Uh, what is your
stand on garbage?

Why don't they eat out?

Then-then you haven't
got any garbage.

(laughing)

(chuckles mockingly)

(mutters) At Cowboy Bill's,

we got a breakfast
special for $1.29.

Two eggs, hash browns,
toast and orange juice.

Some special... no coffee.

Oh, yeah? And we also
got a-a dinner special.

Yeah.

$2.99 chicken!

Also no coffee.

What are you worried
about the coffee?!

Worry about your garbage!

Mr. DeFazio, I'm
sorry, your time is up.

We're going to go
on to the next caller.

I'm sure there are
some people out there

with very serious problems.

- SQUIGGY: Hello? Hello? Hello?
- Hello.

Could you turn your
television set down...

What? Say what?

I can't hear you. My
television set is on too loud.

- Please turn your television down.
- Turn my tel...

- Say, will you turn the TV off, Rudy?
- Your question, sir?

Uh, well, uh, my question
was... Uh, first, let me say

that I'm just a-a hired
ordinary Joe citizen,

and I have not now nor have
I ever known Frank DeFazio

or his daughter Laverne.

- Your question, sir. Your question.
- I-I do not... What?

What was the... Oh, the
question. I'm coming to that.

All right, this is
not... You got to...

This is what I memorized off
the top of my head. So here goes.

Boss Pike, do you or do
you not have an overhanded

or even possibly
underhanded connection

to the Pike Electrical Company,

the Pike Constructional Company
and the Pike Garbagical Service?

Now, I ain't implying
that you are guilty,

but how much of a crook are you?

Just a minute. I've
got nothing to hide.

Just because those companies
have the same name that I have

doesn't mean that I own them.

I don't own Pike's Peak, do I?

Well...

Do I, sir?

No.

Well, that's true, he-he
doesn't own Pike's Peak,

and he doesn't own Pike's
Construction Company.

His mother does.

Yeah, and he doesn't own
Pike Electrical Company.

His sister does!

I gave it to her
for her birthday.

She's very hard to shop for.

Well, I don't know too much
about being a councilman,

but I know a little
something about...

Mr. DeFazio, please.

Come on, lady, give me a chance.

This guy's been
opening his mouth

and talking and yapping away.

I got something to say,
a little bit, let me say it.

What is that? The
guy's taking my picture?

You're taking my picture.

Listen, I know a little
bit about honesty,

and hard work,
and if you elect me,

I'll do the best
job I possibly can.

You know why?

Because I'm just like you
and you're just like me.

I'm a little guy, I
got a little restaurant.

I-I'm not like Pike.

I know what he
does to us people,

I know that.

But I give you my word of honor,

I-I know I can't solve
all the problems.

You know that and I know that.

But I'm gonna give you a
fair shake, that I promise.

And-and if you...
you want any...

I'm not trying to buy your vote,
but if you want any free coffee

down at the
election, my house...

the coffee's free, yeah, yeah.

All right, everybody, come on!

Let's get happy,
let's get happy!

That's it, eat! Everybody eat!

Win or lose, the food's on me!

(crowd cheers, whistles)

Come on, let's go!

CROWD (chanting):
DeFazio, DeFazio, DeFazio...

Thank you.

(chanting continues)

All right, all right, everybody.

All right, every... I
appreciate what you're doing.

I mean, I-let's face it,

I'm not one to
make long speeches.

(crowd cheers, whistles)

All right, all right, Carmine,
Carmine, go ahead.

Come on, turn on
the television set.

Let's get the election results.

CARMINE: Yeah,
sit down here... chair.

Yeah, come on.

NEWS ANCHOR: With
the polls closed for just

three minutes now, we already
have one projected winner.

In the 19th council district,
incumbent Clayton Pike

has a strong lead against
newcomer Frank... Day Fazio.

Pike has 1,471 votes,

and Day Fazio has...

one vote.

Uh... that can't be right.

Uh, no, I knew that was wrong.

Day Fazio has... 12 votes.

That's, uh, 1,471 to 12.

(laughs)

I win the pool!

NEWS ANCHOR: That must
be some kind of new record.

Uh, now in other
local races, uh,

Proposition H is
in a tight squeeze.

- (TV clicks off)
- (mock chuckles)

Bum don't even know
how to say your name.

12 votes.

How many of you
people voted for me?

I did.

All right, the rest
of you out. Out, out.

- Get out of here!
- WOMAN: Come on.

Go! Leave the food here!

Get out of here!

And don't you come
no more for change.

You understand that, lady?

Stay on the bus.

Don't come here no more.

Come on, get out of here.

(sighs)

Well, as long as the,
uh, party's breaking up,

what do you say that, uh,
we go back to my place and...

play "the Swedish milkmaid
and the discontented cow."

Okay.

You know the game, don't
you? Oh, this is going to be fun.

Well, look at the positive
side, Mr. DeFazio.

Your glass isn't 99% empty,

it's one percent full.

What'd she say?

I'm sure she meant well.

Thanks, Rhonda, for
the encouragement.

But now that Pike's won,
I guess it'll be no time

before he starts
tearing down this place.

Oh, Mr. DeFazio, don't worry.

You know how these
construction deals are.

First they got to get permits,
then they... then they got to

get loans... I mean,
it'll be years before

they even get started.

Come on, fellas!
Come on, fellas!

Let's get started.

Here you are, Joe.

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
is this a dump.

This is a restaurant?

Look at this cheap furniture
and this lousy linoleum.

Hey, fellas, listen to this.

(knocks)

Yep!

My son Clayton...
He sure had the stuff.

Boy, this place will
come down faster

than Santa will come
down any chimney.

(laughs)

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

What are you doing here?

Come on, get out of here!

You ain't tearing
down nobody's place.

Fazio, we don't tear
down places like this.

Good.

We blow 'em up!

See you next week, fatso.

Oh, what a dump. How
can you eat in this joint?

Let's go, boys, on the double!

Come on, on the double!

Get all going there, boys!

And stay out!

Oh, it's so sad, saying
good-bye to Cowboy Bill's.

Yeah.

What are you gonna
do now, Mr. DeFazio?

(sighs)

I'm gonna go down,
see Laverne and...

break the news to her.

And then I'm gonna find
something else to break.

NEWS ANCHOR: Incumbent
Democrats and Republicans alike...

I'm depressed.

I lost. I lost!

Life is so unfair!

Life stinks!

Don't let me ruin your evening.

Aw, come on,
Pop, don't feel bad.

Look, you said what
was on your mind.

Besides, come on, you
didn't lose by that much.

You got 2,012 votes.

When did the 2,000
votes come in?

Well...

NEWS ANCHOR: Now,
we'll also be checking in

on California's Proposition 12,

the initiative that would
prohibit supermarket checkers

from saying "Have a nice day."

- How'd you vote on that one?
- But for now,

uh, we have... we have a
late update on our local race.

Longtime Councilman Clayton
Pike is slowly being overtaken

by newcomer Frank Day Fazio.

Now, we don't have
all the results in yet,

but our polls are projecting
Day Fazio to be the winner.

We'll have an update as
soon as we get more on that.

- Ah!
- Ha, ha, ha!

- You did it!
- I won, I won! (laughs)

- You won, Pop, you won.
- Don't, don't...

Don't kiss me. Don't kiss me.

Wow. Isn't that wonderful?

I won! I won! I won!

I feel terrific! I feel sick.

What is it, Pop, what?

I was losing... I was
losing by a landslide.

How can they
elect a guy like me?

Well, because the
people like you, Pop.

You're one of them.

Uh... what's the matter, Pop?

Didn't you want to be
councilman or what?

Well, I really never
thought about it.

I didn't think I had a chance.

Well, I hate to be the one
to break this to you, Pop,

but you are our new councilman.

And I happen to
be real proud of you.

Pop, you did it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right, I did it.

Now what am I
gonna do first, huh?

(chuckles)

Well, um...

I got this jaywalking
ticket the other day.

Can you fix it?

Come on, I just got
elected; I can't do that.

Pa, I'll make you lasagna.

I'll see what I can do.

Let me tell you...

you got to love a man who
can be bought for noodles.

Congratulations, Frank.

No hard feelings, huh?

Why should I have
any hard feelings?

I won. (laughs)

That's why I came here.

I think that you should
really think about

building that new
office complex here.

'Cause I can arrange with
the Pike Construction Company

to get you a lower bid.

Ask anybody in town,
they'll tell you I'm the lowest.

(laughs)

Hey, you know,

that's the first time you
and I agree on something.

You know that?
You are the lowest.

Now get out of here.

Get out, get out.

Get out.

Out, out, out.

With that attitude, you're
never gonna make it

in politics, Frank.

You're kidding me, aren't you?

I hired your secretary.

What's what, Pike?

Hey, Mr. DeFazio, I
just came from Laverne's.

Did you fix her parking ticket?

Yeah, I fixed it.

I guess they're right.

Power does corrupt.

I never would've
thought you, of all people,

would stoop that low.

Well, ask me how I fixed it.

- I don't want to know.
- Ask me.

- I don't want to know!
- Ask me!

- How'd you fix it?
- I paid it.

- You paid it?
- Yeah.

With that attitude, you'll
never make it in politics.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪