Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 8, Episode 16 - Short on Time - full transcript

Frank asks Laverne's help regarding wife Edna. Laverne's too busy. Rhonda and Chuck both ask for her time & help. Leaving her Pop with Chuck's chimp,to attend The Spinners concert,will she later see her dad needs her to be there for him?

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Come on, Laverne,
you said you'd be here.

(phone ringing)

Probably Laverne with
some cockamamy excuse.

Where the hell are you?

Oh, uh, h-how you
doing, Sister Felicia?

Yeah, yeah, w-we're gonna
give a big donation this week.

Yeah, thank you.

I'll pray for your soul, too.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Laverne.

Hi. Now I'm sorry, Carmine,

but I got hung up
down at Cowboy Bill's.

I don't know, there's something
the matter with my pop.

He hates women all of a
sudden and he won't tell me why.

I'll tell you why, 'cause
they're always late.

I am serious, Carmine.

You know that he
boarded up the ladies' room

with a hammer and nails?

I tried to call Edna, there
was no answer there.

I've been trying to draw
the reason out of him,

but he won't say a word to me.

Why tell me? Tell
the cop on the corner.

Well, thanks a lot.

Laverne, I got my own problems
with Suzi's birthday cake.

I got six people upstairs

looking for a place
to stick their candles.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry,
I just lost track of time.

You're sorry? I'm sorry. I
owe Sister Felicia five bucks.

Listen, I got to get back
upstairs; just give me the cake.

No, no! The cake
isn't quite ready yet.

I still have to decorate it.

Didn't they do that
for you at the bakery?

Oh, well... no.

You see, I forgot to
call the bakery, Carmine.

Oh, what are you saying?
You got a pie or something?

Well, by the time I got there,

they didn't have a very
large selection, so...

I got a rye bread.

You got a rye bread.

Yeah. Here are
the serving utensils.

You want me to give Suzi
a happy birthday rye bread?

Oh, it's gonna look
lovely once I decorate it

and put candles on it.

It's a rye bread.

It's very fresh.

You... What are you doing?

Well, it's her
birthday, isn't it?

You want it to look
nice, don't you?

It's a rye bread.

I know it's a rye
bread, Carmine!

Laverne, I asked you
to get a birthday cake.

It wasn't that tall of an order.

There! It happens
to look beautiful.

It happens to be a rye bread.

Carmine, I hate to be the
one to break this to you,

but Suzi is not
that smart of a girl.

Hey.

She'll probably never
notice the difference.

Now, come on, let's get upstairs

and try to have a good
time at the party, okay?

Yeah, but Suzi ain't that
dumb, she's not that dumb.

You could at least
get a pumpernickel;

you could have said it
was a chocolate cake.

You want me to go back
and get a pumpernickel?

- Is that what you want?
- Forget about it, Laverne.

I ain't got the time
for you to do that!

Ooh.

Boy, I knew that Suzi was no
genius, but I never saw anybody

who didn't know how to
blow out candles before.

Maybe I should call my pop.

Hi-ho, Laverne!

Oh, hi, Rhonda's here.

Oh, where were you, Rhonda?

You missed a great party.

Which one did you go to?

Chuck Heston's or
Bobby Redford's?

Never mind. You
missed a lousy party.

Oh, Laverne, you're gonna
have a much better time tonight,

because Rhonda won this ticket

to go to the KZAL
Rock Spectacular tonight

and sing a number with...

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.

The Spinners.

(gasps) The Spinners?

Yeah!

Oh, boy, do I love them.

Oh, yeah.

You know, we almost got
them to sing at our senior prom,

but all we could afford

was Myron Chomsky
and the Polka Cats.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

That's... Why am I excited?

You're the one who's gonna
get to sing with The Spinners.

Oh, no, I'm not, Laverne.

You're the one who's
going to sing with them.

- Me?
- You!

- Me?
- Rhonda can't make it.

She has to meet a
producer at midnight.

Wait a second, midnight?

Well, it was either
midnight or 3:00 a.m.,

and Rhonda's busy at 3:00 a.m.

Well, Rhonda, Rhonda,
what-what do I got to do?

Well, listen, the
information's all on the ticket.

It's on the ticket, but you've
got to be there on time

because they're gonna
fit you for this great outfit,

and they're gonna teach
you the dance steps,

- and I wish I was gonna go.
- Oh, wait a second, Rhonda.

Dance steps? I-I don't
know if I'm gonna have time

to do everything.

Well, that's what
my producer said

when I told him I had
to be home at 3:00.

Ciao.

Boy, oh, boy, I'm gonna
get to sing with The Spinners.

(doorbell rings)

Oh.

- Hi, Laverne.
- Hi.

It's Chuck; remember
me from work?

Chuck, I've been working next
to you for the last two months.

Laverne, quick, beam me in.

What?

Hurry up, Laverne, beam me in!

Oh, gee.

Come on in, Chuck.

(whistling)

- Now, what is all this?
- Good work, Laverne.

- Huh? What is this?
- Laverne, tonight is-is

my Star Trek Fan Club
Meeting; don't you remember?

I told you at work, and you said

that you would babysit
for Little Chuckie.

- Tonight? Babysit?
- Yeah, tonight.

Aw, gee, I-I can't
tonight, Chuck; I'm busy.

I'm-I'm gonna go...

Well, where's his mother?

I don't know where she is.

She's running around someplace.

Okay, but do you
think I could take

Little Chuckie to
a music concert?

Hey, that'd be great.
Chuckie loves music.

Oh, okay, then you
got yourself a deal.

Okay, but I got to ask you
a really serious question,

- Laverne.
- What's that?

Okay.

What about this uniform?
What do you think?

Well, I just thought all
their shirts were blue.

No, no, no. The
officers are blue,

the captain is orange,
and the janitors are purple.

Janitor Eigari, first class.

I never heard of him.

Never heard of Eigari?

- Mm-mm.
- Okay.

Stardate 2737.

Spock, Kirk and Eigari
beam down to the surface

of the planet Kopali.

(whistles, thumps)

The planet surface is covered
with huge clouds of methane gas.

(coughs)

(both coughing)

Suddenly, there's a noise,
and they see a giant monster.

Spock draws his phaser.

(high-pitched beeping)

Nothing. Kirk draws.

- (beeping)
- Still nothing. Eigari draws.

(abbreviated beeping)

Chuck, Chuck, is
this a two-parter?

It's kind of moving, isn't it?

Oh, it's just good to know
we have people like you

still in our galaxy, Chuck.

Now don't you have to go?

Yeah. I better go get Chuckie.

Okay.

Chuckie? Come on in...

Chuckie, take off those skates
and come in here right away.

Your Aunt Laverne is
gonna take you to a concert.

Oh, here's another thing.

- What?
- I don't want you to give him any sweets.

- No ice cream?
- No ice cream, nothing, no sugar.

If you want to give him a little
snack, do you have any fruit?

- Fruit? I don't know.
- Uh, fruit, apple.

Apple, banana, something
like that'd be great.

Okay, look...

- Thanks.
- Just don't worry about a thing.

Have a good time.

Uh, me and Chuckie
will be best friends

- by the time you return to Earth.
- Great.

Scottie, beam me up.

(Scottish accent): I can't
now, Captain; I'm out of power.

It's okay, Scottie, I'll walk.

Crazy, crazy.

Boy. Must be a
real good little boy.

You like to skate,
huh, Little Chuckie?

Better go right for the fruit.

Uh, grapes or a banana?

Go for the banana.

Wait, you're...
you're Little Chuckie?

But you're not a
little boy. You're a...

Well, I can't take you
to a music concert.

(sighs)

(chattering)

Oh, come on, come
on, let's be reasonable.

Come on, please, please.

I can't take you;
they have rules.

You got to be over 16.

Hello, Phyllis?

I know you don't
know me very well.

I bought a rye
bread from you today.

Yeah, I-I was wondering,

could you babysit
for me tonight?

Oh, really?

Oh. Oh, no, no, uh, don't
cancel the wedding, no.

Well, thanks anyway.

No, no, the rye bread
was delicious, thanks.

Bye.

(sighs)

Oh, gee, Chuckie, come on.

I'm gonna have a
little talk with you.

Now get up there, get up.

Look, I called everybody
I know to babysit you,

and everyone's busy.

I'm real late for this concert,
and I really want to go,

so I was wondering,
if I left you alone,

would you, uh, be like
a good little boy, huh?

- (screeching)
- Oh, well, uh...

Well, I guess that's
monkey for no.

- (sighs)
- (doorbell rings)

Were you expecting anybody?

What am I talking to?

Just a second.

- How you doing?
- Pop.

Oh, Pop, am I glad to see you.

(sniffing)

You smell funny.

Yeah, well...

You know how it is
when I make up my mind?

I made up my mind; let's talk.

- Okay?
- Well, Pop, uh, I'd like to, but...

Who's he?

Uh, that's Little Chuckie.

He looks like Squiggy.

Listen, I, uh,

I want to talk
to you in private,

and it has to be private.

- Yeah.
- You and me.

Yeah, Pop, I know.

Uh, I want to talk to you,
too, but you see, I can't tonight.

I'm going to get a chance
to sing with The Spinners.

You remember how crazy I was

- about them when I was a kid?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Larry, Moe and Curly.

- No, Pop, those are the Stooges.
- Oh.

These are The Spinners; it's
a rock group, like, you know.

Okay, I'll go with you.

It'll be nice to go with you

'cause I'll be able to talk
to you on the way down.

- Yeah, wouldn't that be nice, Pop?
- Yeah.

But what I really need
is someone to babysit.

Forget it. Animals hate me.

Oh, come on, Pop.

He's not an animal;
he's part human.

Besides, he'll love you.

Come here, Chuckie.

Look. Look at that.

- (chattering)
- See how much he likes you?

Look.

He looks like Grandma Rosey;
only, she wasn't half as tall.

Yeah.

Give him a kiss.

- Over here.
- Aw, see?

He even kisses
like Grandma Rosey.

Look, you two will be just fine.

Why don't you
watch Victory at Sea.

It's the episode where you
swear you can see yourself

on the landing craft.

If I'm gonna watch
Victory at Sea,

I'm gonna turn it on.

(TV clicking)

(music, explosions over TV)

(clicking)

(monkeys chattering,
lion roars over TV)

What are you,
crazy or something?

I said Victory at Sea.

(music, explosions over TV)

That's right.

I'll tell you right now,

you're not watching
Wild Kingdom,

and I don't care how many of
your relatives are on this week.

Let's watch.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

KZAL,

the station with "KZAL..."

(laughs)

is proud to present
The Spinners!

(crowd cheering)

(music begins)

♪ When the magic in
the moonlight dies ♪

♪ A sweet hello will be a
bitter good-bye, oh, yeah ♪

♪ When the magic in
the moonlight fades ♪

♪ You and your baby will
be walking separate ways ♪

♪ When the magic in
the moonlight dies ♪

♪ It won't be in the sky ♪

♪ You will see it in her eyes ♪

♪ Get ready for
the hurting sun ♪

♪ When the love light
burns dimmer than dim ♪

♪ When the magic in
the moonlight dies ♪

♪ It's all over, my friend ♪

♪ I used to walk ♪

- ♪ In the silver moonlight ♪
- ♪ Silver moonlight ♪

♪ Me and my baby ♪

- ♪ We were holding hands
so tight ♪ -♪ So tight ♪

♪ I thought we'd
be together always ♪

♪ Till a change of heart ♪

♪ Now I see it
clear as day that... ♪

(singing continues faintly)

Hello.

Hey, hey! Out, out.

This is a restricted area.

- No, I'm the winner with The Spinners.
- Oh, great.

You're late.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't
believe what happened

if I told you... Lady,
what are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- I got to get you into your costume.

Lamar! She's here!

- Are you the winner?
- Yes.

Oh, please, lady,
I've seen better.

I hope you have time to
learn the routine to this song.

- Routine?
- Okay, on the third line of the song,

you step out with
your left on your left,

then you cross with
your right like this... ha.

Then you hit it and kick
back and kick. You see that?

- I see nothing.
- Oh, great. Okay, then

walk, walk, walk, and
then you hit it again.

Then back, kick, back, kick.

Then you walk, walk.

Roll with your shoulders
and hips, all right?

Then, at the beginning
of the song, step.

Then you spin. All right. Spin.

And then you go
back, side and side.

- You got that? -Give me this.
- I got nothing.

Oh, you'll be fine.

♪ When the magic in
the moonlight dies ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ There's nothing you can do ♪

♪ Nothing you can say ♪

♪ Won't it, won't it ♪

- ♪ That old devil moon ♪
- ♪ Let's check it out ♪

♪ Let's check it out ♪

♪ Has pulled the
wool over your eyes ♪

♪ Won't it, won't it ♪

♪ I want to know what
you gonna do, boy ♪

(sings high-pitched note)

♪ Get ready for
the hurting sun ♪

♪ When the magic ♪

♪ In the moonlight dies... ♪

- Here you go.
- Uh, what about my shoes?

They're red, they're
wonderful, they work.

- Uh, your name DeFazio?
- Yes.

Oh, your father just called.
But I told him you're about

to go onstage and
that you'll call him later.

Oh.

- W... Lamar, she needs something.
- What?

- I need something.
- What does she need?

Something.

- Oh.
- Lamar, want to turn around here?

- Goes in there.
- Come on.

They're almost through with
their song. Hurry up, hurry up.

They're crooked, okay?

- Come on.
- Okay, wait. What about my straps?

Oh.

Hey, lady, this is
an expensive slip.

That's the third time you
knocked down a second card.

You caught me with a bundle.

20... 37...

36.

- (hooting)
- 36.

You writing it down?

(hooting)

You know the last time
I played gin rummy?

Last year, on my
anniversary, my wife Edna.

Only, she ain't my wife no more.

Gone.

That's it. It's over.

You know what this is?

It's a note from Edna.

You know what it says?

It says she left me.

For a jockey.

- (hooting)
- Yeah?

You know, I'm gonna
tell you something

I never told anybody else.

Just you I'm gonna tell.

I used to leave notes
on the bathroom mirror.

Lipstick, I used to write down,

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,

Last night I was tired,
So I owe you two."

(chuckles)

(hooting)

How you like that, huh?

Yeah, but once you get the
words out, you feel better.

And life goes on.

You know, it's good to
have someone to talk to.

Come on.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Attaboy. Hey.

Anybody ever tell you
you're a sensitive guy?

(chuckles)

(crowd cheering)

Thank you.

Thank you so much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Right now, the moment
that I've been waiting for,

the winner of the KZAL

"Sing Along with
The Spinners" contest.

- Here she is.
- Hey!

(crowd cheering)

- ♪ Hello ♪
- (harmonizing): ♪ Hello ♪

- ♪ Hello ♪ -♪ Hello ♪
- ♪ Hello ♪

Hello.

- Hi.
- That was very good.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you. -Thank you.

Here's a song that
means a lot to us,

and we hope it'll
mean a lot to you.

- "Daddy's Home."
- Oh, I love that song.

Oh, yeah? Let's do it, huh?

(music begins)

♪ You're my love ♪

- ♪ You're my angel ♪
- ♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

♪ The girl of my dreams ♪

(off-key): ♪ I'd
like to thank you ♪

♪ For waiting patiently ♪

♪ Daddy's home ♪

♪ Daddy's home to stay ♪

I remember my dad.

He was never home.

- There was no one there
to guide me, -♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

to take me to ball games,

to teach me how
to throw a curve.

♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

I never got to
know my dad either.

He used to work so hard.

- ♪ Rat-a-tat ♪ -He used
to get up with the chickens

and go to sleep with the sheep.

So wherever he is,

- I hope he'll see me singing to him now.
- ♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

(high-pitched): My daddy's
in the audience tonight,

- and I want to say something.
- ♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

Daddy, I love you.

♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

(The Spinners
speaking indistinctly)

♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

- My daddy, he's always been there for me.
- ♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

He used to run alongside me
when I was trying to ride my bicycle

- for the first time.
- ♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

He even tripped and fell
in a mud puddle just for me.

♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

He's been feeling
pretty bad today.

You know, he even
boarded up the ladies' room.

THE SPINNERS: ♪ Rat-a-tat? ♪

And he wanted to
talk to me tonight,

but I left him home
sitting with a monkey.

THE SPINNERS: ♪ Rat-a-tat? ♪

And-and that's not right 'cause,

well, my pop, he's
the... he's the greatest.

♪ Rat-a-tat ♪

Would you stop
with the rat-a-tats?

- (music stops)
- (crowd murmuring)

Look, I-I know
you're all anxious

for The Spinners to get
on with their show and all.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I want to go home
and be with my pop.

- (music resumes)
- (murmuring)

So long, little darling.

(applause)

- ♪ Daddy's home ♪
- ♪ Daddy's home ♪

♪ Daddy's home to stay ♪

♪ Do-do, do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Daddy's home to stay ♪

♪ Do-do, do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Daddy's home to stay ♪

♪ Do-do, do-do-do-do... ♪

LAVERNE: Pop?

Pop?

Pop? Chuckie?

Pop, wh-where have you been?

Me and Chuckie went
down to the coffee shop

to sober up.

Uh, Pop, I got to talk to you.

Ah, not important.

Oh, you and Edna
aren't important?

How'd you find out about that?

Pop, I can read.

Chuckie, Chuckie,
uh, I'll read to you later.

Come here, Chuckie.

Come here, sweetie, here.

Take, uh... take
your book upstairs.

Look at the pictures,

and then I'll come up
and read to you, okay?

- (Chuckie chattering)
- That's a good boy.

Pop, I'm real sorry
that I went out tonight

instead of staying
here and talking to you.

But why didn't you tell
me this was so important?

Why didn't you say
something sooner?

It's okay; I told the monkey.

(smacks lips)

Listen, I, uh, I love Edna,

and I'm gonna miss her
a lot, but right now, I...

I can't think straight.

We'll talk about it later.

(muttering)

If that's what you want,
Pop. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'll be all right.

I'm a tough guy.

It's just, I got to learn
to be by myself again.

Oh, Pop,

you're never gonna
have to be by yourself.

There's no way I'm gonna live

with that monkey on
a permanent basis.

No, no, no, I wasn't talking
about the monkey, Pop.

You got me.

I'm not gonna let you be alone.

You're my family, Pop.

And I love you very much.

FRANK: Mary, Mary!

I'm sorry!

I didn't know you was in there
when I boarded the place up.

It's okay.

Just don't consider this
as part of my vacation time.

All right, take
a half a day off.

Hi, Pop, surprised you.

I'm even on time for a change.

Forget it. Take the night off.

Take a rest.

What are you talking about?

You got people here, and I heard

people even called
for reservations.

Well, don't worry; I
got somebody to fill in.

- Who?
- (whistles)

FRANK: How you like that?

You're good, Chuckie.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪