Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 8, Episode 1 - The Mummy's Bride - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
(trumpeting)
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne!
Laverne, Laverne,
Laverne, Laverne, Laverne!
Shirl!
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl, Shirl,
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl, Shirl!
Oh, Laverne, Laverne, Laverne!
Shirl, Shirl,
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl.
Boy, am I glad your name's
not Margarita, you know?
Laverne, what would be the
most wonderful thing in the world
I could tell you?
We won the Publishers
Clearing House sweepstakes.
And they said it
couldn't happen to us.
(squeals) No!
I'm getting married!
Oh, in that case, take
the house, not the cash.
- No, Laverne. Laverne...
- Hmm?
Laverne... (singing happily)
You're getting married...?
You're getting married...?!
To who?
Walter!
- (gasps) Walter!
- (squealing)
- Walter finally proposed!
- Yes!
I can't believe it! Let me
see, let me see, let me see.
Oh, my...
Would you look at that?
It's got a place for a
stone and everything.
But it's a ring.
It's great.
Look again.
There is a stone!
Oh, Shirl!
(both squealing, laughing)
Oh, Shirl.
I'm so happy for you.
I mean, I-I can't believe it.
It's your dream come true.
You're marrying a doctor.
- I think I'm gonna faint here.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
- Yeah...
Now, stay calm, stay calm.
Besides, he's just
an Army medic.
But, gee, it's good
enough for me.
- Oh...
- Oh. Let me see it, Shirl, let me see it.
- I want to try it on.
- No,
- don't take it off...
- I'm gonna try it... it's stuck on here.
No, you'll suck the
stone right out of it.
Now stop it!
- I want to try it on.
- No, I'm never taking it off.
Put your hand on top of mine.
- I want to see how it looks.
- Okay.
BOTH: Ooh...
BOTH: Oh...
- SHIRLEY: (gasps) Oh...
- Oh...
BOTH: (gasp) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Look, look, look how the
light makes it sparkle like crazy.
- (Shirley laughs giddily)
- Aw...
Have you told Carmine yet?
Oh, it does sparkle, doesn't
it? It just catches the light
- and bounces right off.
Well, Laverne, -Shirl, Shirl.
- He's been out of town for three weeks.
- He's back.
Yes, but he knows
I've been seeing Walter,
- so I just figured, you know...
- Shirl, you got to tell him.
Oh, all right,
I'll tell him, I will!
All right, let me
just practice on you.
- Okay.
- You pretend you're Carmine. I'll be me.
- That doesn't help me...
- Hey, Shirl...
- That doesn't help me.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm just going to
look him straight in the eye
and I'm going to say, "Carmine,
Laverne has something
she wants to tell you."
- Shirl, you can't do this to me!
- Not now, Carmine.
- I'm busy planning my wedding.
- Shirl!
Pop, I got to talk to
you about the wedding.
Now, Shirley
wants it real special.
Listen, tell Shirley
not to worry.
It's gonna be a
beautiful wedding.
- I know how to make things fancy.
- Yeah?
We're gonna have those
napkins with their names on it.
Oh, really, Pop? Oh,
that's gonna be beautiful.
Yeah, I thought you'd like that.
I knew you'd like
that there. Here.
Here's the napkins.
Here's a pen. Start writing.
And make sure you got plenty,
because we're gonna
have chicken, ribs
and plenty of corn on the cob!
Yeah, well, you better
throw some peas in there.
Shirley wants at least two
vegetables at the wedding.
Hello.
Mr. DeFazio... just... just the
innkeeper we wanted to see.
- Hello.
- Hello. How are you?
- How are you?
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Hello. -Hi.
Hello. How are you?
Oh, gee whiz, we had a...
just an amazing time just now.
We was feeding our new
client, Milo the killer trout,
and, uh, we was giving him
the usual steady diet of guppies.
Well, Lenny started
dipping into the guppies,
and you would've thought
the way he was swallowing
- he was a college boy.
- (chuckles)
Just got a little
hungry, that's all.
Hey, guys, look,
we're real busy.
Right now we're working on a
food list for Shirley's wedding.
Okay?
Wedding?!
Food?
Oh, my goodness.
Do my ears believe me?
Little Shirley getting married.
Lenny, are we getting
older or just taller?
I mean, that little
snout of a string bean
has finally struck the fear
of love into one man's heart?
It is one man, isn't it?
Yes, it's one man.
Oh... I-I'm so happy I could...
I could eat. Mr. DeFazio,
- do you have anything...
- Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.
- What? Yeah.
- Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, yeah. All the time.
It's a personality defect.
- No, I...
- I had the shock treatments, you know.
- I swallowed the rubber thing.
- No, no...
Look, Lenny, Lenny,
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the-the bet
we made about 17 years ago
as to who would get married first.
- Laverne or the Little Job?
- LENNY: Yeah?
Well, I certainly know how
to pick a loser when I see one.
- (Lenny clears throat)
- (grunts) Ooh...
So, uh, fork over the ten bucks.
Not so fast, not so fast.
The race ain't over until
the last horse is dead.
- Hmm.
- Just excuse me for a minute.
Laverne, Laverne, I... I
don't know what to say.
I-I-I just don't understand it.
Well, I don't
understand it either, Len.
I mean, I don't know
why I'm not married.
It's not like I haven't
tried or anything.
Look, I have a date almost
every weekend, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And I use every spray a
person would ever need.
Have you tried Black Flag?
Why don't I just give you the
ten bucks to give to him, Len.
Huh?
Gee, that's a really
nice gesture, Laverne,
but I couldn't take
money from an old maid.
Listen, Squigg, I tried my best
to swindle you out of this,
but she won't play, you know?
Yeah, I appreciate it.
- You get an "F" for effort, Len.
- Thank you.
Geez. Ten dollars, huh?
Well, don't think I forgot
about you, Laverne.
I'm gonna put this ten dollars
into your wedding "torso."
The way I look at it, by
the time you're married,
it should be around, oh,
I'd say 100 years from now.
(laughs)
I hope I don't fall
off my dinosaur!
(Squiggy and Lenny laugh)
- I don't get that.
- I said "fall off," you know?
- Oh! (laughs) Yeah, yeah!
- (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Hey!
What's with the sad face?
Hey, Pop, do you think I'm
gonna wind up like Old Lady Grady
from Knapp Street?
You know, living up in
an attic with 100 cats,
choking on a fur
ball, dying alone?
Nah, it's not the same thing.
Old Lady Grady was married.
Old maid.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Laverne, remember in the seventh
grade when I made that replica
of the Great Wall of
China out of papier-mâché?
Mm-hmm.
Well, guess what I just
found behind it, huh?
A bunch of papier-mâché
Chinese people.
No!
The Feeney family wedding gown!
Ooh!
Handed down from
generation to generation.
Hand-sewn by my Great
Nana Feeney in 1885,
as she crossed this
great nation of ours
in covered wagon train,
sometimes trampled
by the buffalo...
Just show me the
dress, Shirl, okay?
(gasps)
(gasps)
(gasping)
Indians got her, huh?
Oh, well, I'll take
it to Mrs. Fettini.
Maybe she can make
something out of it, like...
like a veil.
Or a handkerchief.
Shirl, could I ask
you something?
SHIRLEY: Sure.
Do you think I'm gonna
wind up like Old Lady Grady?
Oh, please!
Don't be stupid, Laverne.
You just don't
have the kind of skin
that wrinkles up like that.
No, I-I know that,
but that's not what
I'm talking about.
(Shirley grunts)
I know I shouldn't feel
this way at all, Shirl,
but you know... I mean,
when we get older and stuff,
you're gonna be going
around saying, you know,
"Guess who just
retired? My husband."
You know? "Guess who won
the shuffleboard tournament.
"My husband.
Guess whose teeth
these are. My husband."
And what am I gonna be saying?
"Here, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,
- kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
- Oh, come on, Laverne.
Stop it. Where's your
sense of optimism?
I'll bet sometime real soon,
you'll be sitting in a
restaurant somewhere.
You'll look up from your
bowl of chili and blammo!
He'll be there.
Yeah.
I'll look right
up into his eyes.
He'll hand me the check,
say, "You finished with that?"
Then I gotta tip him...
Oh, come on, Laverne.
I'll bet you two to one,
within a year, you'll meet
the man of your dreams.
- Yeah...
- And you know what?
And I'll be alone.
What are you talking about?
You'll be living with Walter.
No, I won't.
Walter's getting shipped
overseas for a year.
It's just you and me.
- You're gonna be living here?
- Right here.
Well, that sort of
changes things.
Oh, but gee, I thought I was
gonna have the place alone,
to myself, for a while.
You know, meet guys, have
a little privacy... you know...
Well, that certainly
is a change of attitude
from "here, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty."
Yeah, well... well, sure.
You didn't think
I'd go out tomorrow
and buy my first cat, did you?
- No, I didn't think that, but...
- (phone ringing)
Well, then, what
are we talking about?
- I think it is...
- Get the phone.
I'll bet I know who it is.
Hello.
Hi, Walter!
- Oh...
- (Shirley laughs)
Yes, well...
(kissing)
Mm-hmm.
Yes. What?
Fine, fine.
All right.
Bye-bye.
LAVERNE: What?
Oh, there's been a slight
change in our wedding plans.
You're still marrying
Walter, aren't you?
- SHIRLEY: Oh, my...
- I mean, I did all those,
- uh, napkins and stuff.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's still Walter.
- Oh.
It's just that... he's
getting shipped out early.
We're getting
married in two days.
(whispering): Two days?
Two days...
No...
Laverne...!
And so, Shirley Feeney,
on the day of your
wedding shower,
the day before your wedding,
I proudly give to you...
Time! Here's your pie.
- Thanks, Rhonda, it's just what I wanted.
- RHONDA: Oh...
That's it! Shower's over!
Move 'em out! Let's go!
Boy, I had a wonderful time!
We didn't have to play all
those silly shower games.
What happened to
the dirty pictures?
Not now, Pop. Not now.
Okay, how'd we do?
30 seconds early!
Oh! That's great, that's just...
- I gotta go upstairs.
- Wait! Where are you going?
- I have to go.
- Well, don't dawdle!
- I will time myself.
- All right, fine.
All right, now what do I
have to do? I have to...
Oh, no...
We heard Laverne was
giving you a-a wedding shower
and we had to bring a present.
- So we're not coming.
- SHIRLEY: Thank you.
That's the best present
I could possibly get.
Hey, if we brought
the best present,
I guess we could stick
around for a little while.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
The shower is over.
I'll see you at the
wedding tomorrow.
Not so fast, my
little butterlips.
I ain't leaving until I
get to speak my piece.
And he's got
something to say, too!
- Don't interrupt me, Len.
- Okay.
Shirley, do you
realize the enormosity
of this thing you
are about to take on?
I mean, just who is
this mysterious man in...
in khaki that you are
willing to let share...
Well, how can I
put this delicately?
Impossible.
Who is this mysterious
man you plan to let share
your "nuppitals"?
I don't have to explain
anything to you two.
I happen to be in love
with Walter Meeney.
Walter Meeney?!
The Walter Meeney?
Ha-ha! So that's
his nom de plume!
Yes, and I'm going to be
Mrs. Shirley Feeney-Meeney.
(Lenny guffaws)
Feeney-Meeney... what's she
gonna call her kids, Miney and Moe?
- Miney and Moe...
- Get out!
No, better yet, better yet,
how about Larry and Curly?
- Out! Out!
- Larry and Curly! That's good!
He's a funny man,
he's a funny m...
All right, we'll get
out. Come on, Len...
let's wash our hair and go
down to the ladies' prison.
You're on!
They go?
You waited up there, didn't you?
Yeah, but I came down
as soon as they went.
- Okay, what's next?
- Boy, let's see, we got...
- (phone rings)
- Ooh, I'll get that. -Okay.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
What? What?!
I'll be right there.
I have to go down
to the Army base.
Walter's come down with
a slight case of something.
You're in charge!
Oh, well, thanks a lot.
Okay... "Exchange shower gifts.
"Read the manual.
Break Carmine's heart."
I think I'll read the manual.
(doorbell buzzes)
(doorbell buzzing)
Coming.
(doorbell buzzes)
Hi... Carmine.
Uh, there you are
holding flowers,
and here I am reading...
Never mind what I'm reading.
Uh... I got to go upstairs.
Wait, hold-hold, Laverne,
wait, where's Shirley?
I got to talk to her.
Um...
Carmine, Sh-Shirl
went to see Wal...
Wal...
Wall-to-wall carpeting.
We were thinking
of getting some.
- What do you think?
- Come on, Laverne, will you?
Come on, stop that, will you?
What time's she gonna be home?
Oh, not for a while, Carmine.
Why don't you go back
to your place, sit down,
relax, think of a hobby,
give yourself a reason to live.
Look, Laverne, I
got a real problem.
Listen, I've been away
on vacation, and, uh,
I met this girl at the hotel
and I asked her to dance, and...
it was love at first dip.
- Carmine, I can't believe it!
- I know you think
I'm a terrible person, that's
a terrible thing that I did,
but she's a wonderful
girl, Laverne,
and I think the
only fair thing to do
is tell Shirley as
quick as possible.
(panting): Laverne...
(gasps): Carmine!
Shirley.
Carmine!
Shirley...
Laverne?
- Laverne, did you tell him?
- No. But let me tell you...
Get out of here, then.
Get out of here, Laverne.
- Get out.
- But I have something...
- Out, out, out, out, out, out.
- Get out, get out, get out.
Well, okay.
- Can I just say...
- No! -No!
- Sweetheart.
- Shirl.
Oh, no, no.
- No, no, Shirl, no, no...
- Oh, really, no.
- No, please, Shirl.
- Oh, no, no, I really couldn't.
- Please, Shirl, Shirl, please.
- I can't! I can't!
Oh, Carmine, this is just
all too much for me to take.
It's too upsetting.
Look, Shirl, I got to
tell you something,
and it'll be easier
with the flowers.
Oh, no, Carmine, I have
to tell you something first,
and I'm going to make it quick.
Carmine...
Walter and I are
getting married.
That's wonderful news, Shirl!
Oh, I just know
it's a terrible thing.
That's great.
I wish there was an
easier way to explain it.
All the time I thought I was
gonna put you in the dumper,
- and you're getting married.
- I must be coming off
- That's fantastic news!
- As a rotten Angelface!
Oh, gee, I hope we can
still be friends, Carmine.
No, Shirl, you don't
understand. You see,
I've been away on
vacation, and I met a girl,
and we fell for each
other, and we got serious.
So this is perfect
timing, Angelface.
How dare you.
How dare you call me Angelface.
What gall!
I mean, really!
I'm here slaving away,
planning a marriage to Walter,
while you're out
chasing anything in skirts.
Well, what do you
call this new little girlie,
"Cherub-puss"? Huh?
Oh, Carmine, I'm
so happy for you.
Oh, Shirl, I'm
happy for you, too.
Oh, isn't it great?
(kissing) Oh, gee,
it's so wonderful.
Oh, you have somebody,
and I have somebody.
I just want you to know that...
I'll always be there for you.
And I'll always be there
for you, too, Carmine.
We can still make out.
- Carmine...
- I was just kidding.
Shirl, Carmine...
SHIRLEY: Oh, Laverne, Laverne,
there's been another slight
change in the wedding plans.
LAVERNE: This is what
you call a slight change?
Getting married
in a hospital ward?
Oh, quit your
complaining, would you?
- Well, look at me! Look at this!
- I mean, stop.
Oh, stop it. I sewed an
"L" on your gown, didn't I?
This isn't what I
meant by a gown, Shirl.
It's a hospital gown, isn't it?
Oh, look, Laverne, I
know it's not perfect,
but this place has one thing
that a church doesn't have.
- What?
- Walter.
Oh, yeah, but I don't know...
You're right, Shirl.
You're absolutely right.
It's gonna be beautiful.
It is.
Oh... I think I'm gonna cry.
- Oh, Laverne, not again.
- (Laverne crying)
All the way over here.
Well, here, here.
- There you go.
- You're getting married.
What is this?
Mrs. Fettini did a
good job, didn't she?
(crying)
Just blow your nose.
- Come on, now.
- (honking)
Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, uh, we're
ready for you in there,
but, uh, where's Walter?
Oh, he'll be here in a couple
minutes; he's getting dressed.
- Okay.
- Oh.
I'm so nervous, Shirl.
- Oh, don't be ner...
- I am so nervous.
Oh, you look gorgeous.
Oh, Walter.
Oh, Laverne, Laverne.
Laverne, come on, come on.
Come on, Laverne,
Laverne, Laverne.
Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait.
Just a moment please.
Wait just a moment.
Let me just straighten
that for you, darling.
Good-bye, darling.
I'll see you in a
minute. (kisses)
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Laverne... Laverne?
Come on, wake up.
Wake up. Come on.
Come on, come on.
Wedding's almost on. Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Shirl, you didn't tell me
he was wrapped up like that!
He looks like a Q-tip.
I told you!
I told you that the man
had a rash over 98% of his body.
Hey, bridesmaid!
It's time.
(gasps) It's time.
It's time.
Oh, Laverne.
(cooing sympathetically)
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
(sighs)
Oh, my heart.
Oh, gee.
Shirley, I want to tell
you how happy I am
to be giving you away.
Oh, thanks, Mr. DeFazio.
But don't go too far away.
Oh, I'd never go too
far away from you.
- You know that.
- I'm so proud of you.
I think I'm gonna cry.
The whole family... (blubbering)
I can't believe it.
Here you go, here you go.
There you go.
Yeah, give me my hankie.
- (Frank muttering)
- Oh, dear me.
(playing Wagner's
"Bridal Chorus" on kazoos)
Walter will be
blinking his "I do's."
I understand.
(chuckles)
Well, shall we begin?
Yeah.
(clears throat)
"Dearly beloved,
"we are gathered
together today to join...
Walter Meeney and Shirley Feeney
in holy matri-meeney.
"mony."
"Walter, do you take Shirley
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love and to cherish
in joy and in sorrow, so
long as you both shall live?"
- Did he? -He blinked.
- I saw him.
The groom has blinked.
(both cooing happily)
"Shirley, do you take Walter
"to be your lawfully
wedded husband,
"to love and to cherish
in joy and in sorrow
so long as you both shall live?"
I do.
You may place the
ring on her finger.
He... Laverne?
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride,
Walter, if you're able.
Oh, um...
(camera shutter clicks)
♪♪
LENNY: You know, I really
like a wedding with a theme.
So do I, yeah.
You know, this is better than
The Bride of Frankenstein.
(chuckles) Yeah.
The mummy's bride.
Don't use that-that scary
voice, though, okay?
- (eerily): The mummy's bride.
- Oh, I can't stand it
- when you do that voice. No!
- Bride of the mummy!
- (Lenny shouting)
- The mummy's bride, book two.
- (woman yelps)
- The mummy's bride!
Laverne, uh, Walter and I
are going to sneak
off to intensive care
for our honeymoon now.
Okay.
Oh, Shirl, I know you're
gonna be real happy.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
And you better take
good care of her, okay?
Am I gonna catch his rash?
No.
Don't scratch, okay?
Well, um...
- Let me help you, let me help you.
- Yeah, could you?
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Have fun.
Thanks, Laverne.
(kazoos playing Mendelssohn's
"The Wedding March")
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
(trumpeting)
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne!
Laverne, Laverne,
Laverne, Laverne, Laverne!
Shirl!
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl, Shirl,
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl, Shirl!
Oh, Laverne, Laverne, Laverne!
Shirl, Shirl,
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl.
Boy, am I glad your name's
not Margarita, you know?
Laverne, what would be the
most wonderful thing in the world
I could tell you?
We won the Publishers
Clearing House sweepstakes.
And they said it
couldn't happen to us.
(squeals) No!
I'm getting married!
Oh, in that case, take
the house, not the cash.
- No, Laverne. Laverne...
- Hmm?
Laverne... (singing happily)
You're getting married...?
You're getting married...?!
To who?
Walter!
- (gasps) Walter!
- (squealing)
- Walter finally proposed!
- Yes!
I can't believe it! Let me
see, let me see, let me see.
Oh, my...
Would you look at that?
It's got a place for a
stone and everything.
But it's a ring.
It's great.
Look again.
There is a stone!
Oh, Shirl!
(both squealing, laughing)
Oh, Shirl.
I'm so happy for you.
I mean, I-I can't believe it.
It's your dream come true.
You're marrying a doctor.
- I think I'm gonna faint here.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
- Yeah...
Now, stay calm, stay calm.
Besides, he's just
an Army medic.
But, gee, it's good
enough for me.
- Oh...
- Oh. Let me see it, Shirl, let me see it.
- I want to try it on.
- No,
- don't take it off...
- I'm gonna try it... it's stuck on here.
No, you'll suck the
stone right out of it.
Now stop it!
- I want to try it on.
- No, I'm never taking it off.
Put your hand on top of mine.
- I want to see how it looks.
- Okay.
BOTH: Ooh...
BOTH: Oh...
- SHIRLEY: (gasps) Oh...
- Oh...
BOTH: (gasp) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Look, look, look how the
light makes it sparkle like crazy.
- (Shirley laughs giddily)
- Aw...
Have you told Carmine yet?
Oh, it does sparkle, doesn't
it? It just catches the light
- and bounces right off.
Well, Laverne, -Shirl, Shirl.
- He's been out of town for three weeks.
- He's back.
Yes, but he knows
I've been seeing Walter,
- so I just figured, you know...
- Shirl, you got to tell him.
Oh, all right,
I'll tell him, I will!
All right, let me
just practice on you.
- Okay.
- You pretend you're Carmine. I'll be me.
- That doesn't help me...
- Hey, Shirl...
- That doesn't help me.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm just going to
look him straight in the eye
and I'm going to say, "Carmine,
Laverne has something
she wants to tell you."
- Shirl, you can't do this to me!
- Not now, Carmine.
- I'm busy planning my wedding.
- Shirl!
Pop, I got to talk to
you about the wedding.
Now, Shirley
wants it real special.
Listen, tell Shirley
not to worry.
It's gonna be a
beautiful wedding.
- I know how to make things fancy.
- Yeah?
We're gonna have those
napkins with their names on it.
Oh, really, Pop? Oh,
that's gonna be beautiful.
Yeah, I thought you'd like that.
I knew you'd like
that there. Here.
Here's the napkins.
Here's a pen. Start writing.
And make sure you got plenty,
because we're gonna
have chicken, ribs
and plenty of corn on the cob!
Yeah, well, you better
throw some peas in there.
Shirley wants at least two
vegetables at the wedding.
Hello.
Mr. DeFazio... just... just the
innkeeper we wanted to see.
- Hello.
- Hello. How are you?
- How are you?
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Hello. -Hi.
Hello. How are you?
Oh, gee whiz, we had a...
just an amazing time just now.
We was feeding our new
client, Milo the killer trout,
and, uh, we was giving him
the usual steady diet of guppies.
Well, Lenny started
dipping into the guppies,
and you would've thought
the way he was swallowing
- he was a college boy.
- (chuckles)
Just got a little
hungry, that's all.
Hey, guys, look,
we're real busy.
Right now we're working on a
food list for Shirley's wedding.
Okay?
Wedding?!
Food?
Oh, my goodness.
Do my ears believe me?
Little Shirley getting married.
Lenny, are we getting
older or just taller?
I mean, that little
snout of a string bean
has finally struck the fear
of love into one man's heart?
It is one man, isn't it?
Yes, it's one man.
Oh... I-I'm so happy I could...
I could eat. Mr. DeFazio,
- do you have anything...
- Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.
- What? Yeah.
- Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, yeah. All the time.
It's a personality defect.
- No, I...
- I had the shock treatments, you know.
- I swallowed the rubber thing.
- No, no...
Look, Lenny, Lenny,
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the-the bet
we made about 17 years ago
as to who would get married first.
- Laverne or the Little Job?
- LENNY: Yeah?
Well, I certainly know how
to pick a loser when I see one.
- (Lenny clears throat)
- (grunts) Ooh...
So, uh, fork over the ten bucks.
Not so fast, not so fast.
The race ain't over until
the last horse is dead.
- Hmm.
- Just excuse me for a minute.
Laverne, Laverne, I... I
don't know what to say.
I-I-I just don't understand it.
Well, I don't
understand it either, Len.
I mean, I don't know
why I'm not married.
It's not like I haven't
tried or anything.
Look, I have a date almost
every weekend, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And I use every spray a
person would ever need.
Have you tried Black Flag?
Why don't I just give you the
ten bucks to give to him, Len.
Huh?
Gee, that's a really
nice gesture, Laverne,
but I couldn't take
money from an old maid.
Listen, Squigg, I tried my best
to swindle you out of this,
but she won't play, you know?
Yeah, I appreciate it.
- You get an "F" for effort, Len.
- Thank you.
Geez. Ten dollars, huh?
Well, don't think I forgot
about you, Laverne.
I'm gonna put this ten dollars
into your wedding "torso."
The way I look at it, by
the time you're married,
it should be around, oh,
I'd say 100 years from now.
(laughs)
I hope I don't fall
off my dinosaur!
(Squiggy and Lenny laugh)
- I don't get that.
- I said "fall off," you know?
- Oh! (laughs) Yeah, yeah!
- (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Hey!
What's with the sad face?
Hey, Pop, do you think I'm
gonna wind up like Old Lady Grady
from Knapp Street?
You know, living up in
an attic with 100 cats,
choking on a fur
ball, dying alone?
Nah, it's not the same thing.
Old Lady Grady was married.
Old maid.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Laverne, remember in the seventh
grade when I made that replica
of the Great Wall of
China out of papier-mâché?
Mm-hmm.
Well, guess what I just
found behind it, huh?
A bunch of papier-mâché
Chinese people.
No!
The Feeney family wedding gown!
Ooh!
Handed down from
generation to generation.
Hand-sewn by my Great
Nana Feeney in 1885,
as she crossed this
great nation of ours
in covered wagon train,
sometimes trampled
by the buffalo...
Just show me the
dress, Shirl, okay?
(gasps)
(gasps)
(gasping)
Indians got her, huh?
Oh, well, I'll take
it to Mrs. Fettini.
Maybe she can make
something out of it, like...
like a veil.
Or a handkerchief.
Shirl, could I ask
you something?
SHIRLEY: Sure.
Do you think I'm gonna
wind up like Old Lady Grady?
Oh, please!
Don't be stupid, Laverne.
You just don't
have the kind of skin
that wrinkles up like that.
No, I-I know that,
but that's not what
I'm talking about.
(Shirley grunts)
I know I shouldn't feel
this way at all, Shirl,
but you know... I mean,
when we get older and stuff,
you're gonna be going
around saying, you know,
"Guess who just
retired? My husband."
You know? "Guess who won
the shuffleboard tournament.
"My husband.
Guess whose teeth
these are. My husband."
And what am I gonna be saying?
"Here, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,
- kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
- Oh, come on, Laverne.
Stop it. Where's your
sense of optimism?
I'll bet sometime real soon,
you'll be sitting in a
restaurant somewhere.
You'll look up from your
bowl of chili and blammo!
He'll be there.
Yeah.
I'll look right
up into his eyes.
He'll hand me the check,
say, "You finished with that?"
Then I gotta tip him...
Oh, come on, Laverne.
I'll bet you two to one,
within a year, you'll meet
the man of your dreams.
- Yeah...
- And you know what?
And I'll be alone.
What are you talking about?
You'll be living with Walter.
No, I won't.
Walter's getting shipped
overseas for a year.
It's just you and me.
- You're gonna be living here?
- Right here.
Well, that sort of
changes things.
Oh, but gee, I thought I was
gonna have the place alone,
to myself, for a while.
You know, meet guys, have
a little privacy... you know...
Well, that certainly
is a change of attitude
from "here, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty."
Yeah, well... well, sure.
You didn't think
I'd go out tomorrow
and buy my first cat, did you?
- No, I didn't think that, but...
- (phone ringing)
Well, then, what
are we talking about?
- I think it is...
- Get the phone.
I'll bet I know who it is.
Hello.
Hi, Walter!
- Oh...
- (Shirley laughs)
Yes, well...
(kissing)
Mm-hmm.
Yes. What?
Fine, fine.
All right.
Bye-bye.
LAVERNE: What?
Oh, there's been a slight
change in our wedding plans.
You're still marrying
Walter, aren't you?
- SHIRLEY: Oh, my...
- I mean, I did all those,
- uh, napkins and stuff.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's still Walter.
- Oh.
It's just that... he's
getting shipped out early.
We're getting
married in two days.
(whispering): Two days?
Two days...
No...
Laverne...!
And so, Shirley Feeney,
on the day of your
wedding shower,
the day before your wedding,
I proudly give to you...
Time! Here's your pie.
- Thanks, Rhonda, it's just what I wanted.
- RHONDA: Oh...
That's it! Shower's over!
Move 'em out! Let's go!
Boy, I had a wonderful time!
We didn't have to play all
those silly shower games.
What happened to
the dirty pictures?
Not now, Pop. Not now.
Okay, how'd we do?
30 seconds early!
Oh! That's great, that's just...
- I gotta go upstairs.
- Wait! Where are you going?
- I have to go.
- Well, don't dawdle!
- I will time myself.
- All right, fine.
All right, now what do I
have to do? I have to...
Oh, no...
We heard Laverne was
giving you a-a wedding shower
and we had to bring a present.
- So we're not coming.
- SHIRLEY: Thank you.
That's the best present
I could possibly get.
Hey, if we brought
the best present,
I guess we could stick
around for a little while.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
The shower is over.
I'll see you at the
wedding tomorrow.
Not so fast, my
little butterlips.
I ain't leaving until I
get to speak my piece.
And he's got
something to say, too!
- Don't interrupt me, Len.
- Okay.
Shirley, do you
realize the enormosity
of this thing you
are about to take on?
I mean, just who is
this mysterious man in...
in khaki that you are
willing to let share...
Well, how can I
put this delicately?
Impossible.
Who is this mysterious
man you plan to let share
your "nuppitals"?
I don't have to explain
anything to you two.
I happen to be in love
with Walter Meeney.
Walter Meeney?!
The Walter Meeney?
Ha-ha! So that's
his nom de plume!
Yes, and I'm going to be
Mrs. Shirley Feeney-Meeney.
(Lenny guffaws)
Feeney-Meeney... what's she
gonna call her kids, Miney and Moe?
- Miney and Moe...
- Get out!
No, better yet, better yet,
how about Larry and Curly?
- Out! Out!
- Larry and Curly! That's good!
He's a funny man,
he's a funny m...
All right, we'll get
out. Come on, Len...
let's wash our hair and go
down to the ladies' prison.
You're on!
They go?
You waited up there, didn't you?
Yeah, but I came down
as soon as they went.
- Okay, what's next?
- Boy, let's see, we got...
- (phone rings)
- Ooh, I'll get that. -Okay.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
What? What?!
I'll be right there.
I have to go down
to the Army base.
Walter's come down with
a slight case of something.
You're in charge!
Oh, well, thanks a lot.
Okay... "Exchange shower gifts.
"Read the manual.
Break Carmine's heart."
I think I'll read the manual.
(doorbell buzzes)
(doorbell buzzing)
Coming.
(doorbell buzzes)
Hi... Carmine.
Uh, there you are
holding flowers,
and here I am reading...
Never mind what I'm reading.
Uh... I got to go upstairs.
Wait, hold-hold, Laverne,
wait, where's Shirley?
I got to talk to her.
Um...
Carmine, Sh-Shirl
went to see Wal...
Wal...
Wall-to-wall carpeting.
We were thinking
of getting some.
- What do you think?
- Come on, Laverne, will you?
Come on, stop that, will you?
What time's she gonna be home?
Oh, not for a while, Carmine.
Why don't you go back
to your place, sit down,
relax, think of a hobby,
give yourself a reason to live.
Look, Laverne, I
got a real problem.
Listen, I've been away
on vacation, and, uh,
I met this girl at the hotel
and I asked her to dance, and...
it was love at first dip.
- Carmine, I can't believe it!
- I know you think
I'm a terrible person, that's
a terrible thing that I did,
but she's a wonderful
girl, Laverne,
and I think the
only fair thing to do
is tell Shirley as
quick as possible.
(panting): Laverne...
(gasps): Carmine!
Shirley.
Carmine!
Shirley...
Laverne?
- Laverne, did you tell him?
- No. But let me tell you...
Get out of here, then.
Get out of here, Laverne.
- Get out.
- But I have something...
- Out, out, out, out, out, out.
- Get out, get out, get out.
Well, okay.
- Can I just say...
- No! -No!
- Sweetheart.
- Shirl.
Oh, no, no.
- No, no, Shirl, no, no...
- Oh, really, no.
- No, please, Shirl.
- Oh, no, no, I really couldn't.
- Please, Shirl, Shirl, please.
- I can't! I can't!
Oh, Carmine, this is just
all too much for me to take.
It's too upsetting.
Look, Shirl, I got to
tell you something,
and it'll be easier
with the flowers.
Oh, no, Carmine, I have
to tell you something first,
and I'm going to make it quick.
Carmine...
Walter and I are
getting married.
That's wonderful news, Shirl!
Oh, I just know
it's a terrible thing.
That's great.
I wish there was an
easier way to explain it.
All the time I thought I was
gonna put you in the dumper,
- and you're getting married.
- I must be coming off
- That's fantastic news!
- As a rotten Angelface!
Oh, gee, I hope we can
still be friends, Carmine.
No, Shirl, you don't
understand. You see,
I've been away on
vacation, and I met a girl,
and we fell for each
other, and we got serious.
So this is perfect
timing, Angelface.
How dare you.
How dare you call me Angelface.
What gall!
I mean, really!
I'm here slaving away,
planning a marriage to Walter,
while you're out
chasing anything in skirts.
Well, what do you
call this new little girlie,
"Cherub-puss"? Huh?
Oh, Carmine, I'm
so happy for you.
Oh, Shirl, I'm
happy for you, too.
Oh, isn't it great?
(kissing) Oh, gee,
it's so wonderful.
Oh, you have somebody,
and I have somebody.
I just want you to know that...
I'll always be there for you.
And I'll always be there
for you, too, Carmine.
We can still make out.
- Carmine...
- I was just kidding.
Shirl, Carmine...
SHIRLEY: Oh, Laverne, Laverne,
there's been another slight
change in the wedding plans.
LAVERNE: This is what
you call a slight change?
Getting married
in a hospital ward?
Oh, quit your
complaining, would you?
- Well, look at me! Look at this!
- I mean, stop.
Oh, stop it. I sewed an
"L" on your gown, didn't I?
This isn't what I
meant by a gown, Shirl.
It's a hospital gown, isn't it?
Oh, look, Laverne, I
know it's not perfect,
but this place has one thing
that a church doesn't have.
- What?
- Walter.
Oh, yeah, but I don't know...
You're right, Shirl.
You're absolutely right.
It's gonna be beautiful.
It is.
Oh... I think I'm gonna cry.
- Oh, Laverne, not again.
- (Laverne crying)
All the way over here.
Well, here, here.
- There you go.
- You're getting married.
What is this?
Mrs. Fettini did a
good job, didn't she?
(crying)
Just blow your nose.
- Come on, now.
- (honking)
Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, uh, we're
ready for you in there,
but, uh, where's Walter?
Oh, he'll be here in a couple
minutes; he's getting dressed.
- Okay.
- Oh.
I'm so nervous, Shirl.
- Oh, don't be ner...
- I am so nervous.
Oh, you look gorgeous.
Oh, Walter.
Oh, Laverne, Laverne.
Laverne, come on, come on.
Come on, Laverne,
Laverne, Laverne.
Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait.
Just a moment please.
Wait just a moment.
Let me just straighten
that for you, darling.
Good-bye, darling.
I'll see you in a
minute. (kisses)
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Laverne... Laverne?
Come on, wake up.
Wake up. Come on.
Come on, come on.
Wedding's almost on. Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Shirl, you didn't tell me
he was wrapped up like that!
He looks like a Q-tip.
I told you!
I told you that the man
had a rash over 98% of his body.
Hey, bridesmaid!
It's time.
(gasps) It's time.
It's time.
Oh, Laverne.
(cooing sympathetically)
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
(sighs)
Oh, my heart.
Oh, gee.
Shirley, I want to tell
you how happy I am
to be giving you away.
Oh, thanks, Mr. DeFazio.
But don't go too far away.
Oh, I'd never go too
far away from you.
- You know that.
- I'm so proud of you.
I think I'm gonna cry.
The whole family... (blubbering)
I can't believe it.
Here you go, here you go.
There you go.
Yeah, give me my hankie.
- (Frank muttering)
- Oh, dear me.
(playing Wagner's
"Bridal Chorus" on kazoos)
Walter will be
blinking his "I do's."
I understand.
(chuckles)
Well, shall we begin?
Yeah.
(clears throat)
"Dearly beloved,
"we are gathered
together today to join...
Walter Meeney and Shirley Feeney
in holy matri-meeney.
"mony."
"Walter, do you take Shirley
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love and to cherish
in joy and in sorrow, so
long as you both shall live?"
- Did he? -He blinked.
- I saw him.
The groom has blinked.
(both cooing happily)
"Shirley, do you take Walter
"to be your lawfully
wedded husband,
"to love and to cherish
in joy and in sorrow
so long as you both shall live?"
I do.
You may place the
ring on her finger.
He... Laverne?
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride,
Walter, if you're able.
Oh, um...
(camera shutter clicks)
♪♪
LENNY: You know, I really
like a wedding with a theme.
So do I, yeah.
You know, this is better than
The Bride of Frankenstein.
(chuckles) Yeah.
The mummy's bride.
Don't use that-that scary
voice, though, okay?
- (eerily): The mummy's bride.
- Oh, I can't stand it
- when you do that voice. No!
- Bride of the mummy!
- (Lenny shouting)
- The mummy's bride, book two.
- (woman yelps)
- The mummy's bride!
Laverne, uh, Walter and I
are going to sneak
off to intensive care
for our honeymoon now.
Okay.
Oh, Shirl, I know you're
gonna be real happy.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
And you better take
good care of her, okay?
Am I gonna catch his rash?
No.
Don't scratch, okay?
Well, um...
- Let me help you, let me help you.
- Yeah, could you?
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Have fun.
Thanks, Laverne.
(kazoos playing Mendelssohn's
"The Wedding March")
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪