Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 9 - Born Too Late - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Where's Carmine and Sonny?



I don't want to be late
for my first Dodger game.

So you miss a few innings.

You mean "miss a few innings"?

Yeah, they ain't the Dodgers.

The real Dodgers
never left Brooklyn.

That's right, Pop, the real
Dodgers are still in Brooklyn,

and these fake Dodgers
won two pennants.

- They got lucky.
- Lucky?

They got the best pitching
staff in the whole league.

They got Drysdale and Koufax.

They really know how
to toss the old horsehide.

- Excuse me.
- What?

Toss the old what?

Horsehide, horsehide!

The ball's made from horsehide!

You mean to tell me the ball in a
ball game is made from a pony?

It's an honor, Shirl.

Not many ponies
make it to the majors.

Very well, I'll go
to this ball game.

But I'll be rooting
for the ball.

Don't embarrass me.

Please don't embarrass me.

Hey, girls!

Hi, Sonny, you get the tickets?

- Yup, all four of them.
- Aw.

But, uh, we're gonna
have to share a cushion.

I hope we go into extra innings.

So, where's Carmine...
Waiting in the car?

No, he can't come.

He's down at the police station.

Carmine was arrested?

No, he had an emergency
singing telegram.

It seems, every year the
vice squad throws this party,

and they love singing telegrams.

So, who am I gonna
share my cushion with?

Well, maybe we can
just sell the extra ticket.

Yeah.

And sit with a stranger?

Maybe he'll root
for the ball with you.

Maybe you know somebody
that would like to go to the game.

Yeah, but I don't have
time to call around.

Well, somebody in
the neighborhood,

near, close by-like, you know.

Pop, would, would you
like to go to the ball game?

Oh, I don't know,
I-I'm kind of busy.

Oh, yeah, we could see that.

You'll probably
be cooking all night

just for that one customer.

Okay, I'll go.

Take over, sweetheart.

- I'm going to the ball game.
- Okay, you go ahead.

Shirley, I know he's sexy,
but keep your hands off of him.

Come on, let's go
to the ball game!

Come on.

I can't believe your
father's my date.

Well, he's a cute guy.

But your father's my date.

Well, better than a stranger.

Oh, I guess I can figure
out who this order belongs to.

Rooster ribs coming up.

Oh, uh, they look great.

Just the way the customers
like them... lean and greasy.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, boys.

Oh, Edna, have
we got news for you.

Where are the girls?

Oh, they're off participating
in America's favorite pastime.

- Yeah.
- Wow.

- They went to the baseball game.
- Oh.

Wait a minute, why
didn't they ask us?

I mean, we used
to be their favorites.

Yeah.

Well, probably because
you weren't around.

- Oh.
- Oh, right, yeah.

You know where we were?

We were at this little
motion picture theater

down on Fairfax Avenue
Boulevard enjoying the very latest

in movie entertainment.

- It was, it was incredible.
- Yeah.

I mean, it was the
movies, all right.

- Picture, yeah.
- Except they didn't talk.

- Nobody.
- Nobody, not a word.

All they did was they
just flushed the words

up upon the screen.

Yeah, so even deaf
people could hear it.

And it was all filmed in
colorful black and white, too.

You mean you guys have
never seen a silent movie?

They've been around
for over 50 years.

Silent movie... of course!

That's why we
never heard of them!

Yeah, and... BOTH: The ladies.

They had girls in these pictures

that would just
melt your jujubes.

Looks like you
could use a couple

of coyote sodies to cool off.

I'll say, Edna, and
bring Len two also.

Yeah, yeah, you
know that picture?

- Squiggy?
- Yeah?

Am I out of my mind?

Yes.

Or does that girl look like one
of them silent movie queens?

- Kind of a Technicolor version.
- Let me see.

Holy mackerel, that she does.

Ah, now that I'm around,
I think maybe I'll, uh,

let her enjoy the pleasure
of my acquaintanceship.

Well, wait a sec...
Why don't you let me

have first crack at her, huh?

I mean, I saw her first,
hmm, please, please.

All right, fair is fair.

- Thank you...
- Good luck.

So, woman.

Eggs is eggs, huh?

Know what I mean?

Oh.

Yeah, I know what he means,

and believe me, it's very sexy.

And we was wondering if
you would, uh, like to, uh,

accompany us to our love nest.

Well, thank you very
much, gentlemen.

- You're welcome.
- But, uh,

I've already made nesting
plans for this evening.

Here, sorry I
broke your lettuce.

Face it, man.

You used the wrong approach.

Got to hand it to her, though.

Nobody ever said
no that good before.

No, they never did.

Lenny, she's an L.A. women.

"Eggs is eggs"...

I mean, that's a, that's,
that's a Milwaukee term.

- You think?
- Yeah.

You know, I never
know what to say.

Look at them fellas
in the silent pictures.

- Well...
- Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They didn't have to say "Boo"
to a girl, and bingo, they got her.

Yeah, I really wish that we had,

we, we had lived back
when nobody talked.

We'd never run
out of things to say.

Face it, man.

We was born too late.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah, I guess all you
needed in those days was

a fast horse and a good woman.

Or a fast woman
and a good horse.

- Whatever.
- Whatever, yeah.

Yeah, and did you
notice that guy got that girl

without so much as a mumble?

Yeah, Squiggy,
he did have a gun.

Yeah, but the gun didn't
make any noise either.

Hmm, right.

I'm telling you, Len, things
was different in those days.

You know what I liked?
I liked the scary picture.

Aw...
- Oh.
- Ah, there, exactly.

There's a perfect example.

Here you have a
practicing mad scientist

slowly losing his brains,

and yet not once do you
hear a peep out of him.

- Strength of character.
- Nice.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You see?

Now, that fella turned into
the ugliest creature on the earth

and still he got the girl.

- 'Cause he had charm.
- Sure, he had charm.

- He was charming, he had charm.
- He had charm,

but he, he didn't use his voice.

- He didn't talk, he didn't do nothing.
- He didn't at all.

That's like the guys
in the war picture.

Those army actors... They
didn't say nothing either.

Huh, but still, Lenny,
they was lucky in love.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah, well, she was a
sucker for a uniform, you know.

All dames are a sucker
for that militant look.

It puts them at ease.

It's like that German smoothy
in that other picture we saw.

- Except, well, he had it all.
- Mm-hmm.

He had the looks, the
uniform, and the butler.

And he never had
to raise his voice.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- The age of romance.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, that guy had nothing
in common with that girl,

and so he just hauls off
and gets right to the point.

Yeah, well, Lenny,

I mean, uh, I happen to
be of germane heritage,

and I can tell you
that the Germans

make the world's
greatest lovers.

I don't know.

How about that Mexican hat
dancer in the last movie, huh?

He had two women
lusting after him.

Mm-hmm, that's true.

One for each day of the weekend.

Yeah, I should
have his problems.

I should have his weekends.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Oh, those were the days.
- Yeah.

Men were men and
women... were every place.

- Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

I'm gonna have
another crack at that girl,

and this time I'm gonna
do it without talking.

- What? Okay.
- Yeah.

- You want to watch?
- You're on, bub.

Sure do.

- Make history.
- Yeah.

What?

No words?

Oh, I get it.

Oh.

Okay.

What do you think? Yes or no?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪