Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 4 - Grand Opening - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



I got it! I got it right here
in my grubby little mitts!

I got it!

- Oh.
- Right there. Right there.

My first paycheck in California.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Hey, look what we got today.

It's our new
outdoor order-taker.

Oh, he's adorable,
just adorable.

You know... there is
a striking resemblance

to Mr. DeFazio.

Thanks, partner.

But Mr. DeFazio is much cuter.

Yes.

Hey, have you seen Laverne?

We haven't heard
from her all day.

No. Poor kid, she's still
out pounding the pavement,

looking for a job.

I was so lucky to get that
job at Henry's Hobby Shop.

You know, that's where
my vast experience

with Lincoln Logs
finally paid off.

I'll get it.

Hey, Shirl, do me a favor.

Yes?

Uh, uh, when you see
Muffin, tell her not to give up.

- Uh-huh.
- Tell her that during the Depression,

that her Uncle Fungi
once spent eight months

looking for a job.

Oh, yeah? What'd he finally get?

- A heart attack.
- Ah.

Yeah, that'll pep
her up just like that.

- Yeah.
- That'll do it.

Hey, guess who's coming to town
next week for the grand opening.

- Who?
- Who?

Well, I promised not to tell,

but I'll give you a little hint.

He's bigger than a
dancing bread box.

It's Carmine!

Oh, oh, I can't believe it!

Just remember,
I didn't tell you.

Okay. Oh, this is too much.

All in one week... My
first paycheck in California

and now a mysterious
stranger showing up. Mmm.

I think I'll go home and fix
Laverne and me dinner tonight.

What should I fix?

Mmm... Feeney frozen
fish sticks flambé.

I'll just wait for
Laverne to get home

and set 'em on fire.

Boy, she must really be
pounding the pavement out there.

I'm telling you, it is a
tough world out there.

♪ Who's the leader of the club
that's made for you and me? ♪

♪ M-I-C-K-E-Y ♪

♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪

- ♪ Hey there ♪ -♪ Hi there ♪
- ♪ Ho there ♪

♪ You're as welcome as can be ♪

♪ M-I-C... ♪

See you real soon.

♪ K-E-Y... ♪

Why?

Why not?

♪ M-O ♪

♪ U-S-E... ♪

- Yah!
- Yeah!

Oh, move your feet.

You went to Disneyland
instead of looking for a job?

No, I went there to find a job.

They were looking
for a Snow White.

Oh. And...?

Well, she was too
old for Snow White.

Uh, but she's on the
waiting list for Dumbo.

Yeah.

Dopey.

It really is a magical
kingdom, Shirl.

After they tossed me
out of Employmentland,

I figured I might as well
see the rest of the park, huh?

Yeah, all except
for Tomorrowland.

Just our luck, we
were there today.

- But there was a jungle ride...
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

You mean to tell me you
went to Disneyland without me?

- Yeah.
- While I was working, you were playing?

- Oh, come on, Shirl, don't get upset.
- That doesn't seem fair.

- We'll go again.
- That wasn't fair to me.

Um, pardon me,

but before the two of you
go to Disneyland again, uh,

maybe you'd like to pay us the
money that you owe Lenny and me.

Yeah, right, $12.97.

I'm not going to pay for that.

Uh, I think you better
cough up the money,

'cause your friend was
broke and she said you would.

Now, if you don't
cough up the money,

my friend can get pretty ugly.

Show 'em, Len.

- That is disgusting!
- Give 'em the money.

Come on, I'll pay you back.

I hope I never have
to get that ugly again.

I can't believe it...
You go to Disneyland,

and I end up paying for it.

Here. There's $13, keep
the change, and good-bye.

- Three cents tip.
- That's 15%...

- Yeah.
- Go on, go on. You better get out of here.

She's not feeling so hot today.

Laverne, we'll pick you
up at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow

and go to Knotts Berry Farm.

I hear they're
jamming the jellies.

Okay.

Boy, that Matterhorn
is... no big deal.

I'm sorry, Shirl, but
you can't blame me

for wanting to
have a little fun.

I've been out looking
for a job for two weeks.

Do you know what it's
like to hear the word "no"

eight zillion times, huh?

Hey, Shirl.

Got a little surprise for you.

Little souvenir from Disneyland.

It was an overstocked
item; I saved you three bucks.

Ah, that's just great, Terry.

So that's the Beach
Boys' new album, huh?

I never heard that.
Thanks for playing it for me.

Yeah. Hey, say
hi to all the guys

down at the brewery
for me, would you?

Aw.

Oh... yeah.

Laverne, this place
looks like a cyclone hit it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, well, yeah, Terry. I
better call you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Shotz... forever!

Bye.

Is that Terry Buttafuco?

Yeah.

That's the third time this
week you've called Milwaukee.

Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to catch up

on the Knapp Street
gossip, that's all.

Laverne, I think we should
have a little talk. Sit down.

Sit down right there.

Laverne, I know that
it's been difficult...

Let's not, not do that.

Huh?

I know that it's
been difficult for you

not finding a job and all,

but the least you could do
is help out around the place,

straighten it up
a little, you know.

I mean, these dirty clothes
have been sitting here

all week long.

Oh, yeah, w-well, I
didn't have any quarters

for the washing machine.

What happened to the two
dollars I gave you this morning?

Oh, yeah. Uh, well,
I broke my G string.

What goes on around
here while I'm at work?

Just answer me that.

What happens in
this apartment...?

No, no, the G
string on my guitar...

It flipped up and almost
smacked me in the face.

And then I couldn't finish
the song I was writing.

Wait till you hear this.

Okay? Ready?

♪ I woke up this morning ♪

♪ And I said ♪

♪ Hi, Mr. Sun ♪

♪ Then I ♪

♪ Went back to bed ♪

♪ And I slept until one ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, y... ♪

- Laverne... Laverne!
- Ooh, look at that.

Laverne, listen to me.

Something's just not right here.

Well, that's 'cause I
don't know all the chords.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know that
what's mine is yours,

and what's yours is mine,

but lately it seems that
what's yours was mine

before it was yours,
so what's mine?

Did you ever think of
becoming a songwriter, Shirl?

No, Laverne, no.

I don't have time
for songwriting.

- Oh.
- I'm too busy working.

That's the reason
I'm going upstairs

to take a fistful of aspirin.

However, if I did write songs, I
would write songs about work.

Hey, Laverne.

Hi, Sonny.

Listen... listen, I
only got a minute.

I'm doing an act tomorrow night
at your father's grand opening.

Yeah.

And I need a beautiful
woman to assist me.

Who do you think
I thought of first?

Get out of here.

You got me. What do I do?

It's real easy, and
the job pays ten bucks.

- Oh, what do I do?
- Well, I just tie you to a board and...

- Tie me to a board.
- And I throw knives at you.

Forget it!

Throw knives at me.

Okay, 15 bucks.

Well, but, Sonny...

Make it $20 and you
got yourself a deal.

Okay, and don't
say nothing to Shirl

'cause I want to
surprise her with the cash.

No problem. Meet me at
Cowboy Bill's tomorrow,

- and we'll rehearse the act.
- But why can't we rehearse now?

I got nothing to do.

I'm late for a stunt.

I'm jumping into Jell-O.

Wonder how I missed that job.

Wanted: Jell-O jumper.

Oh, gee... I'm late.

- Hi-ho!
- Oh, hi-ho, hi-ho.

Rhonda hopes you don't mind

her using your balcony.

Oh, I am late, I am so late.

I fell asleep at the beach.

I have to meet Sonny
down at Cowboy Bill's

to practice his
knife-throwing act

and be his beautiful assistant.

Rhonda, what are you
doing in my apartment?

I knew you'd understand.

It was a tanning emergency.

Oh, my costume, my costume!

Hello!

Girls! We home?

- Surprise!
- Hey, Carmine.

Welcome to California.
I can't talk now.

I missed you, too, Laverne!

Nice place.

Shirley?

Oh, Lord, please
let that be Shirley.

Heigh-ho.

I'm Rhonda.

Oh, yeah, right, of course,

you couldn't be Shirley...
You've got more... skin.

Are you anybody?

Uh, yeah, I'm Carmine Ragusa.

I'm sure the girls
told you all about me.

No.

Laverne!

- Angel face!
- Carmine! Where's Laverne?

- Laverne? Laverne!
- Hey, it's me, the Big Ragoo!

Where's my big welcome?

Not now, sweetheart, not now.

I have a certain bone to pick
with a certain Miss DeFazio

who ran up a $98 phone bill!

I'll go out and
take a cold shower.

I'll come back later.

Rhonda? Rhonda, what are
you doing in my apartment?

Oh, I'm getting a tan.

I have this wonderful
new lotion...

Rhonda, I really don't
care about your life.

Did I ever tell you that?

Do you know where Laverne is?

After she came
back from the beach,

she went to Cowboy Bill's.

Oh, she went to Cowboy Bill's.

Oh, boy, wait till I
get my hands on her.

Wait till I get my hands on her!

Hi, Shirley.

- Where's Laverne?
- She's down at Cowboy Bill's.

Can you open the
door for me, please?

Oh, sure, why not? I do
everything else around here...

Go to work, open the
door. It's just another...

What happened to you?

Just an occupational
hazard of being a stuntman.

Oh, no.

I wanted to catch
Laverne before she left.

I'm in no condition to
throw knives at her tonight.

"Throw knives at her"?

What are you talking
about, "throw knives at her"?

Don't tell her I told you.

She wanted to surprise
you with the 20 bucks

she was gonna get for the act.

She was gonna let
you throw knives at her

and give me the 20...

Oh, my little ticker
goes out to her.

Hey, why don't
you take my place?

Go on, don't be silly.

I can't throw knives; I
can barely butter toast.

You don't have to.

It's all a trick.

I'll show you tonight
at Cowboy Bill's.

What do you say?

Okay, sure, sure.

Uh, you're certain
Laverne can't get hurt?

There's nothing to worry about.

I'll take care of everything.

Okay.

Shirley, could you
get the door for me?

Oh, sure.

Mwah.

Hey, Rosita,

Edna tells me you're
going to law school.

- Yeah.
- Can I ask you a question?

Oh, sure.

When a customer
comes in, you say...

Howdy, partner.

And when he leaves you say...

I'll see you in court.

No.

No, no, no, I'm just
kidding, Mr. DeFazio.

I say, "So long, partner."

Hey, Edna, Edna... the
salad bar is for all-you-can-eat.

Here, don't use the big plates.

Use the little plates.

You sure you don't
want to use ashtrays?

You think we can
get away with it?

Frank, do me a favor.

Don't ever change.

Hey, it's 6:00.

It's time to open
up the barn doors

and feed the cattle.

6:00? Come on, everybody.

Move it out, move it out.

Come on, hey, we got a big
place to open up over here.

- Let's go, let's go.
- Hi, Pop. Where's Sonny?

We haven't rehearsed
the knife-throwing act yet.

You don't have to rehearse.

What are you talking about, Pop?

- It's knives.
- Just put on your costume.

You're gonna just
stand there, that's all.

Pop, can you talk him
into throwing spoons?

Put on your costume.

It's no trouble, okay?

Welcome to Cowboy
Bill's grand opening.

Hey, Mr. DeFazio!

Hey!

I had to jump off
a 75-foot tower

into a pool of Jell-O.

I had Jell-O on the plane.

You poor boy.

No wonder, in a pool of Jell-O.

No, this happened when
I slipped in the shower,

washing off the Jell-O.

I slipped in the shower
once; nothing happened to me.

I better go tell Laverne

that the, the
knife-throwing act is out.

No, it's not; we're in luck.

- Shirley's replacing me.
- Shirley?

You showed her the trick?

Yeah, she is gonna be great.

That's my boy.

Carmine, welcome!

Hey, I can use you to
play drums for Shirley's act.

That's great! I'm needed!

Thank you, thank
you, Mr. DeFazio.

- I'll go get the drums.
- Okay.

Why don't you come over
here and sit down and rest

until we introduce you, okay?

Come on, Edna, come on, Edna.

Come on, hurry up, come on.

Coming.

Howdy, partners,

and welcome to the grand
opening for Cowboy Bill's, Burbank.

Yahoo!

And for the moment that
you all have been waiting for,

let's welcome and say hello...

Howdy, suckeroos
and sucker-ettes.

Hi, guys.

That's the Big Raccoon.

Don't we owe him money?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, cowpokes,

and for the moment
you've been waiting for,

say howdy to Sonny St. Jacques.

And Princess Tumbleweed.

Yahoo!

Sonny, what happened to you?

You can't throw
knives like that.

It's okay.

Oh, it's okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to bring
on a little lady

making her first appearance
as a knife-thrower.

What?

Let's all welcome
Dead-Eye Feeney.

Oh.

Rosita, Rosita, why would
she want to throw knives at me?

Maybe it's all those phone
calls I made to Milwaukee.

How many phone
calls could you make?

30 or 40.

So long, partner.

Ladies and gentlemen...

before I begin,

I would like you
all to take note

of just how razor sharp

these knives really are.

Shirl, Shirl, you
can't throw knives.

You can't even butter toast.

I know.

Pop! Get me down from here!

Get me down!

Ain't my muffin a
great little actress?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am now going to attempt,

and I stress the
word "attempt..."

to throw these lethal weapons

within a hair's breadth

of my charming assistant.

No. Shirl,

I-I-I'm sorry about
the phone calls.

I know.

Lucky I wasn't wearing heels.

She'll never have to
shave that hip again.

Thank you, thank you.

Show's over!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you missed her by a mile.

- Give it another shot.
- Yeah, finish her off.

And now I would like to
attempt, ladies and gentlemen,

my famous mirror throw.

You're gonna throw a mirror?

Lenny, Squiggy, please,
get these things off of me,

and I'll do anything.

Talk's cheap from a dead woman.

Go ahead, Shirl.

Throw it.

Shirl, you wouldn't,
you wouldn't.

You're right.

Who needs the mirror?

I remember where you are.

I love you, Shirl!

Holy lima beans, I did it.

She did it, she did it!

Now untie me, would you?

Just get me off of this thing.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to
attempt something

I have never tried before.

Oh, don't do it, don't do it.

A double-knife throw.

- Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Lord, if I die,

you're gonna miss
a great confession.

Oh, Carmine,

how'd you like your
welcome to Burbank kiss?

That was so good
that I've decided

to move to Burbank for good.

Oh, Carmine, that's wonderful.

Mwah.

Sonny said I could
stay with him for a while,

unless of course,
I get a better offer.

What better offer could you get?

Sonny's got the best
place in the whole building.

Well, I guess I'll
go settle in now

and, uh, tomorrow I'll come back

and collect my welcome
to the building kiss.

Then there's my
welcome to L.A. kiss

and my welcome to Hollywood kiss

and my, uh, welcome
to the neighborhood kiss

and a welcome to...
All right, good night.

Laverne.

Laverne?

Oh, boy, I was
brilliant tonight.

I wonder what it feels like
to work this side of the board.

That one is set... Ow,
what are you doing?

Oh, little Miss Feeney

doesn't like to be the
human target either, huh?

What are you talking
about, "human target"?

- What are you talking about?
- Well, just because you missed

a little trip to Disneyland
doesn't give you the right

to shave ten years off of my
life by throwing knives at me.

I wasn't throwing knives at you!
I wasn't throwing knives at you!

No, then what was
that service for 12

coming at my face for, huh?

No, no, no, no, it
was just fake knives

coming out from
behind the board.

- Yeah, sure they were. Stand still.
- Look behind the board.

Look behind the board, just
look behind the board, please.

What are you talking about?

Didn't Sonny tell
you it was just a trick?

No.

Sonny didn't tell me nothing.

Oh, gee, and you were gonna
let him throw knives at you?

Why would you
do a thing like that?

'Cause I needed the job, Shirl.

It paid 20 bucks, and I thought
I could start paying you back.

That's what I don't
understand, Laverne.

Why would you take
a stupid job like that

and not look for a job yourself?

Because I couldn't
find a job, Shirl.

Nobody wants to hire here.

Oh, pshaw, that's silly.

There's a million reasons why
people don't get hired for jobs.

Yeah, name one.

Bad luck, bad timing,

somebody hires their
brother-in-law instead.

Yeah, well, it wasn't
bad timing with me.

'Cause I don't have
any qualifications.

Oh, baloney, Laverne.

You can do anything you want.

You had the guts
to stand up there

while you were thinking I
was throwing knives at you.

- Yeah, well...
- Well, what?

Well, that's different, though.

- No, it's not different.
- It's different.

- It's not different.
- It's different.

It's not. If you got
the guts to do that,

then you certainly have
the guts to stand up to a guy

who says, "Sorry, no openings."

Come on, Laverne,

the point is, you
give up too easily.

- You give up. You give up.
- I don't give up.

- I don't give up.
- You give up.

- I don't give up.
- You give up easily.

- I give up easily?
- You give up easily.

- I don't give up easily.
- You do give up easily.

- Huh.
- Yes.

Never thought of it like that.

I give up too easily, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, on the way home,

we'll stop and get a paper
and I'll look at the want ads.

Attagirl.

- Can I borrow a quarter?
- No.

- Forget it.
- Oh, see, you give up too easy.

Ask me again.

Can I have five bucks?

Boy, you've got guts.

- Give me five bucks.
- I don't have five bucks.

Just hold it.

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you

that my knife-throwing
act was a trick.

- Mm-hmm.
- I was in such a hurry,

I guess it just slipped my mind.

Yeah, well, it was
a pretty big slip.

You almost gave
me a heart attack.

All right, how about this?

If I take you to dinner,

do you think you could
forgive and forget?

Well, I think the dinner would
take care of the forgive part.

What if I throw in a movie?

What knife-throwing act?

Come on. I'll get my purse.

Where's the justice
in life, I ask you?

After two weeks of selling
my little heart out for Henry,

what do I get?

Canned, sacked, booted out.

You got fired?

I am the victim of an
unplanned pregnancy.

- Shirl!
- Oh, not me.

Henry's sister.

She got pregnant.

Her husband doesn't have a job,

so Henry gave him mine.

Oh, come on,
Shirl, take it easy.

We'll find something.

Look, cheer up.
I'll get Carmine,

and the four of us will
go out and have dinner.

Oh, that sounds
like a great idea.

Go ahead, go get him.

Let me get my purse.

Laverne, we don't
have any money.

Do you think Sonny will
mind paying for everything?

Well, if he doesn't,

then we won't cut
his meat for him.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪