Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 20 - Laverne's Broken Leg - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



All right, just watch your step.

All right, easy,
easy, watch it now.

- Easy, easy.
- Don't bump your leg. Here we go.

- We're home, Laverne.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're home, Laverne!

Watch your foot,
watch your foot.

Watch my foot!

- Okay, here we go.
- Watch, hold it, hold it.

Oh, ♪ Alley-oop-oop... oop ♪

♪ Oop-oop, alley-oop-oop... ♪

- There we go.
- ♪ Oop-oop... ♪

Guys, she sounds like she
fell on her head, not her leg.

Oh, she'll be just fine

as soon as the
anesthetic wears off.

- Won't you, honey?
- Aw, she called me honey.

Yeah.

Don't worry. By
tomorrow, you'll forget

the whole thing ever happened.

Forget what happened?

Forget you slipped
on a hunk of lard

that your father
forgot to clean up.

Lard?

Yeah, you know, we make
French fries out it, you know.

Yeah, you ought to
try using potatoes.

- You may sell more.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Come on, Frank. We got
to get back to Cowboy Bill's.

Now remember, Laverne,

the doctor said plenty
of bed rest, huh?

Take care, yeah?

Come on.

Come on. The customers
will start sneaking out

- without paying.
- No, they won't!

I locked the door.

Come on.

Boy, those are a couple

of real nice people, huh?

Yeah, yeah, look, I'll
get you to the couch

and you can rest
up a little, okay?

- Okay.
- Here we go. Alley... Oop!

Oh, oh.

Laverne, I just saw your folks.

Look at your leg.

Look at your hair.

What happened to your leg?

What happened to your hair?

Oh, I had it fixed.

- Oh, I broke it.
- Oh, yeah?

But I think it'll heal
faster than your hair.

She just slipped
on a hunk of lard

at Cowboy Bill's and...

Oh, you poor thing, you.

- Shirl...
- What?

- Know what I think you should do?
- What's that?

Get a couple of
surfboard barrettes

and have them shoot your curl.

It's the anesthetic talking.

She don't know what
she's talking about.

I think your hair looks great.

Thank you. I had it
done for Rhonda's party.

When you gonna get it finished?

Doesn't matter, anyway.

It looks like we won't be
going to Rhonda's party now.

Well, I'm not going anyways.

Oh, no, you go ahead without me.

Don't stay behind
just because of me.

No, I'm not staying
home because of you.

I got to work tonight.

What do you mean
you have to work?

What are you getting
so excited about?

- You were supposed to take me...
- You ain't going anyway!

It don't make no diff... Look,
I got a call at the last minute.

I got to deliver a singing
telegram to the county jail.

When number 64597
gets out, I got to sing, uh...

♪ We paid your lawyer,
we paid your bill ♪

♪ We got you out
of this county jail ♪

♪ Here's some news
to make you smile ♪

♪ You don't have to
walk the last mile! ♪

Nice, nice.

Oh, gee, help her
upstairs, Carmine.

I'm gonna fix her
something to eat.

Okay, Laverne, we're
going for another ride here.

Come on, hold on here.

Don't let me...
Am I hurting you?

- Oh!
- No, you know...

- Oh.
- You're choking me.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Here we go. Up, up...
- Watch the wall.

Watch the wall,
watch the bann... Aah!

- Watch the banister.
- Oops, are you all right?

Carmine?

Carmine, when
you get her up there,

would you get her undressed
and then get her into bed?

Hold it! Hold it. Bad idea.

Very bad idea! Bad idea...!

What do you mean, I
can't go to the party?

I know you want to
go, but you can't go!

- Why can't I go?
- Because you got a broken leg.

- That's why you can't go.
- Shirl!

You are so stubborn, Laverne.

You know the doctor said you
have to stay in bed and rest.

And besides, it's
going to be crowded,

and you can't dance anyway!

So?

They could use my
leg as a limbo stick.

Okay, if you're well
enough to go to the party,

then you're well enough
to go to work on Monday.

Oh, by Monday, it will hurt.

"Oh, by Monday it will hurt."

Just pipe down
and drink your soup.

I hate bean with bacon soup.

It looks like mud.

Would you like me to fix
you some potato leek soup?

Ew! Never mind.

I'll suck around the beans.

Look, Shirl, if you
really want to help...

Yes?

Get my green cocktail dress,

so I can go to
Rhonda's party, please.

For the last time, you are
not going to Rhonda's party

and neither am I!
I'm going to stay here

and take care of you.

Now drink your soup.

There's too many
beans to suck around.

Then drink your tea.

I can't.

Why not?

It needs honey.

One honey bear coming right up.

She never washes this thing off

after she uses it.

Shirl, I'm bored.

Well, you know
what we're gonna do

- right after you drink your tea?
- What?

We are going to have ourselves
one hot game of mahjongg.

- Shirl?
- Mm-hmm?

I've been thinking...
Since you're such a fun gal,

uh, why don't you go
ahead and go to the party?

What?

Go without you
and leave you here?

My best friend, in time of
need, with a broken leg?

Oh, never.

Lord knows, Laverne,

if I had a broken leg and
there was a party to go to,

you would never, never go.

Here's your honey bear.

Let me squeeze the honey bear.

I'll squeeze it.

- I want to squeeze the honey bear.
- No, I...

I brought it to you.
Let me squeeze it.

- It's my tea, isn't it?
- Fine, then squeeze it!

Why don't you go to the party?

No.

No, I don't need
to go to the party.

There will be other
Hollywood parties,

other more glamorous
Hollywood parties.

Yeah, but, Shirl, you
even got a new hairdo.

You owe it to your head.

Yes, I... No.

I still have to give
you your sponge bath.

Shirl, I insist you go.

Well... if you
insist, all right.

But I'll tell you
one thing, Laverne,

it is going to be
dreadfully dull.

I mean, you know the kind
of people Rhonda invites.

Nothing but bachelors,
bachelors, bachelors.

Oh, well, I'll give it a shot.

Don't wait up for me!

And, Shirl, before you go,

could you fix me
a milk and Pepsi?

I'll just clean that up later.

Shirl, just get me a
little milk and Pep...

Hi, Rhonda.

Oh, Shirley, I love your hair.

You're gone.

She went to Rhonda's
party in her bathrobe?

Oh, it's... What
kind of party is this?

Eh... thought she
was kidding me.

The little sneak.

I knew she was
dressed all along.

Well, who needs her?

I'll just make my
own milk and Pepsi.

Not like this I won't.

Hi, guys.

How you doing?

Where there's a
will, there's a way.

Oh, this could be a lot of fun

and a little nauseating
at the same time.

Well...

a little milk will
settle my stomach.

Cold.

Okay... Pepsi...

Two points.

Not bad for a
one-legged white girl.

Hi-ho.

Oh, little wounded person.

Hi-ho, Rhonda.

How unfortunate
to be cast-ridden

when Rhonda entertains.

But you know, don't feel badly.

Nobody there knows you anyway,

so you won't be missed.

Uh... Rhonda, this
is not the city dump.

Oh, of course it isn't.

I'll pick this up
right after the party.

It's just my little way of
including you in all the fun.

- I...
- I better get back

to my wild and exciting party.

It's not nearly so wild and
exciting when I'm gone.

Ta-ta!

Ta-ta.

Boy, this is great.

This is just great.

Over there, it's
wild and exciting.

Over here it's smelly
and disgusting.

Hello.

Oh, the fun, the party

that we are having there.

It is a lollapalooza,
walla-walla-bing-bang.

I'm a-tellin' ya,
it's incredible.

That party is so exciting,

it makes the Mardi Gras
look like an empty sock strap.

Ooh, ooh.

- Wild jungle music.
- Oh, yeah.

- Beautiful women.
- Oh...!

Multicolored toothpicks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

i-it's... it's so
exciting that Len here,

well, he almost
hyperventilated hisself.

Anyways, uh, we
figure we'd come here

because it's nice,
quiet, and dark,

and we could catch our breaths.

While you guys are here,
do you want to sign my cast?

- Okay.
- Oh, yeah. Hey, Len,

- go get the wood burning set.
- All right.

No, no! Nah, it's
not made of wood.

It's made of Plaster of Paris.

- Oh.
- Ooh, Plaster of Paris.

Oh, I thought it was
plaster of Milwaukee.

Da-lee-la.

I think I'm catching
my breath again, Squig.

- Let's get back to the party.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, a wingding like this
don't last forever, you know.

No, it certainly won't.

Yeah, well, guys, uh,
would you tell Shirley that...

Oh, don't worry about Shirley.

She's having
enough of a good time

for the both of you.

Me and the boob tube.

Wonder what's on here.

Saturday night.

9:00... 9:00.

Lawrence Welk.

No.

"Saturday night movie:
It's a Wonderful Life

starring Jimmy Stewart."

Ah, gotta watch that.

"Story of a man who
wishes he was never born."

Hah! That's the story
of my life right now.

Certainly wish I was never born.

I wish I was never born...

I wish I was never born...

I wish I was never born...

That can be arranged.

Hey, look, I don't know
how you got in here,

but if you're looking
for Rhonda's party,

it's right next
door, over there.

Oh, no parties for me.

No? Well... Who are you?

Oh, I'm an angel.

Ho-ho!

My name is Bernard C. Whitlock.

- Uh-huh.
- The Big Guy calls me "Bernie."

Sure, he does. Get out of here!

No, no, it's true.

I handle Pasadena
and West Burbank.

Lucky guy.

Uh, listen, if, uh,
you're an angel

- Oh...
- where are your wings?

- I'm not actually a real angel.
- Uh-huh.

I'm only an apprentice angel.

I don't get my wings
until I do a good deed.

Yeah, well, look,
uh, Ber... My cast.

Where's my cast?

My leg.

My leg...

Hey, my leg's okay.

Hey, look at that.

There you go, Bernie.

You did your good deed.

Oh, that's nothing.

Piece of angel cake.

How could you have a broken
leg if you were never born?

Huh?

- You said you wished you were never born.
- Oh...

I arranged it.

I'm going to show you
what life would be like

if there never was
a Laverne DeFazio.

You...? What the...?

Watch your angel
hands there, partner.

Hey, that's my L.

In my business,
we don't believe in L.

A little angel humor?

You're my big chance, Laverne.

Me?

If they like my work,
I'll get my wings.

Yeah? Oh, um, how will you
know if you get your wings?

Are they just gonna sprout out

on your back out
there or something?

Oh, no. Every time a bell
rings, an angel gets his wings.

Isn't that heavenly?

Yeah.

That's doesn't exactly
sound heavenly,

but that is our doorbell

No, no, no, that's just
an angel getting his wings.

Sure, it is. Let
me just go check...

No, Laverne, you have
more important things to see.

Do you think his funeral...?

Hey, Shirl, you better
get those dogs...

Shh, shh. Watch.

His murderer is in the room.

It's not Tubby Rubello. I
was with him that night.

She had an affair
with Tubby, too?

That two-timing little trollop!

Hi, Shirl.

Look, my leg's all better.

She can't hear you, Laverne.

Why not?

She can't hear you or see you,
because you were never born.

At least he had taste.

Mailman, Miss Feeney!

Mailman... mailman...

What is it? Is Shirl
dating the mailman?

Shirley dates no one.

She has no friends.

Oh.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, since when did
the government start

hand-delivering the mail?

Well, I would've left it in your
mailbox, but it was rusted shut.

Aw...
- Oh, won't you come in?
- Sure.

Meet the family, have a
cup of tea, a bowl of food?

Ziggy?

Uh... d-dogs! Dogs!

Dogs, they hate me!

Take the letter!

What are you standing
there for, Shirl?!

Go after him! He was
gorgeous! Go flirt with him!

- She doesn't know how.
- Down... down...

There's no one to teach her.

Oh, look at this.
It's for all of us.

"Dear Occupant,"

We are "cordially invited
to the grand opening

of Ernie's dry cleaners,
featuring one-hour Ernie-izing"

Sounds great.

What do you think?

Ziggy?

Hmm. You're right.

Better off staying home.

Lunchtime!

Lunchtime, everyone!

That all Shirl has to
talk to is these dogs?

Oh, no. She has more
little friends upstairs.

Dondi, lunchtime!

What's a Dondi?

You don't want to know.

I hope she put
newspaper on the floor.

Laverne? Laverne?

Ah! We're free!

Ah, it's Lenny and Squiggy.

There's always getting
dressed up as something.

Oh, they're not dressed up.

They're escaped convicts.

I smell dames!

Let's find 'em!

I'll go check the kitchen,

you look upstairs
in the bedroom.

Right.

Aah! Ow, oh, aah! Oh, ow...

Oh, Lenny, why do you forget?

- Why do you forget, huh?
- Aah, aah, oh!

We're men in bondage.

Just let me rest for a minute.

All right, fine, fine.

Odds.

Well, I tell ya, no matter
how hard we try, the screws

will never find us
at a joint like this.

What if they do?!
What if they do, Squig?!

It's 20 years hard labor!

And I didn't even want children!

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny...

Lenny, take a
load off your mind.

Maybe it'll make you feel
better if we steal a television set.

- No, no!
- No?

No, it was stealing a TV set

that started us on
this road to crime!

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

That's a big fat old lie,

'cause I always used
to let 'em watch my TV.

You were never born, remember?

Ah, the jig is down!

No, no, jig is up.

Chips down, jig up.

- No, the chips...
- When the chip... No, no, no.

- "Chips" is a Las Vegas expression.
- Run!

- Doesn't matter.
- Run, run, run!

All right, you two!

This time you're
going to the rock for life!

The rock? For life, huh?

What if I should die
tomorrow, copper?

Don't die, Squig. They'll
use me as a headstone.

- Will they?
- Ow!

Guys, guys, no, don't-don't
take them; don't take...

Guys, plead insanity!

The world is your witness!

I don't know, Bernie.

This is getting very depressing.

Wait, there's more to come.

Lady?

Hey, lady?

Nobody home... It's my pop.

Hi, Pop.

Hey, Pop...

What's the matter with him?

He's hungry.

He hasn't eaten in three days.

Oh, no! You're here again!

Oh, lady, would you
give me something to eat?

Anything? Could you
give me something?

- Please?
- Okay.

I'll give you a couple of bucks.

Oh, my pops has got too
much pride to accept charity.

Thanks.

Oh... wow...

Now would you please
try and find a job?

I had a job once.

I had my own business,
lived in my own house...

then my wife died.

Then I was all alone.

Then I just didn't
care; that's it.

It was all me, right?

Never had any children.

You know, if I had a
daughter, she'd be your age.

Pop, you got a daughter.

No, he doesn't, Laverne.

Well, if I had a daughter, boy,

I'd have someone to love me...

and I could love back.

Ah, you don't want
to hear a sob story.

Well, I have heard it before.

Yeah, yeah.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

Pop, it's me.

I'm your daughter. I love you.

It's no use, Laverne.

He'll never have a daughter now.

Pop, it's me.

It's your muffin;
I'm right here.

Please.

Oh, please, don't act like this.

I can't stand seeing you
like this, Pop, please?

What's the matter with you?

Can't you do something?

What kind of an angel are you?

I don't want to
see him like that!

Now what's with you?! Come on!

I want to be alive!
I want to be alive!

I want to be alive!

I want to be alive...
I want to be alive...

I want to be alive...

I do want to be alive.
I do want to be alive.

- Laverne!
- I do, I do.

Wake up, honey; wake up.

You're snoring; wake up.

Pop, you're not a bum!

I told you she'd forgive me.

And my leg's still broken.

And I got my L and...

Oh, good, you're still awake.

The party is so
dull without you.

Come on, gang!

Come on in! Come on!

Is she bringing them dogs?

They're people! There's people!

Okay, come on.

Oh-oh, could you give me that?

Oh, I'll get it.

No, no, there's no one there.

Congratulations, Bernie.

Oh, well.

Quiet! Laverne
wants to make a toast.

Aw...

A toast to the best bunch of
friends that were ever born.

Hear, hear!

Boy, I'll tell you something.

Rhonda's friends
sure are sloppy.

Aw, gee, Shirl, I'd really love
to help you clean up but, uh...

my Monday-going-to-work
pain has started a little early.

I'll get it.

It's no one, Shirl.

What do you mean, it's no one?

You're wasting your
time. Nobody's there.

That nobody's
kicking the door in.

Anybody home? Hi, angel face.

It's Carmine. Hi.

Telegram for Laverne DeFazio

from Carmine Ragusa!

♪ Heal, heal, heal your
leg, quickly in the cast ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily ♪

♪ You'll feel good real fast. ♪

Everybody.

♪ Heal, heal, heal your
leg, quickly in the cast ♪

♪ Heal, heal, heal your leg... ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪