Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 19 - Out, Out Damn Plout - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Frank...

do you think I
should get a facelift?

No, if you do that, they'll
think I robbed the cradle.

That's sweet.

This way, they think you did.

What? What?

What is it? What is it? What?

- What? What? Laverne?
- Huh?

Down at the store!

Sergeant Plout.
Greenland. Help, Pop!

Forget it. I'll go over there.

You understood that?

Yeah!

She said, "store," "help,"

"Sergeant Greenland,"
"Plout." I got it.

I'll take care of
the whole thing.

That clears up everything.

Hey, what is going on?

Sergeant Plout, our old
drill sergeant from the Army,

came down to
Bardwell's looking for us.

We ducked out the back door,
but I spotted her trailing us!

So, you're out of the Army now.

Wrong, Edna. We're
still in the reserves.

What if she wants to call
us back up for active duty?

You have to tell her
you haven't seen us.

Tell her that we've...
we're missing.

- Vanished.
- Gone.

There's no forwarding address.

Yeah.

Why don't I just tell
her you're crazy?

- Don't...
- Okay, I took care of it.

I locked the door.

Oh.

Hi-yah!

You see two girls in
blue jackets duck in here?

No, I didn't see
Laverne or Shirley.

Then how'd you know
who I was talking about?

You tell them that
Alvinia T. Plout is looking

to talk to them about a
top secret assignment.

Yeah, well, uh, they're
not here. They're, uh...

They moved! They
moved to, uh, Brazil.

Yeah, that's where they
went. They went to Brazil.

Uh, uh, you can't get in touch,

and there's no telephones,
there's no phone, no nothing.

- Brazil, huh?
- Yeah.

What city?

Hong Kong.

Ha!

I caught you, you
bushy-eyed crawdad.

Well, they may have snuck
away from me this time,

but I'll find 'em.

I'll see you to the door.

Never mind. It
ain't there no more.

You think we lost her?

You kidding? We
switched busses 15 times.

Yeah. And if that didn't work,

I'm certain we ditched
her in the sewers.

That was an ingenious idea.

Oh, thank you
very much, my dear.

Oh, I hope I never have to
see that frog face again, huh?

I'm telling you, I am
just shuddering inside.

I-I keep hearing that
nasal twang of hers.

Howdy, girls.

Boy, that was good, Shirl.

Yes, it was.

No, that... that
wasn't me, Laverne.

Ladies!

At ease.

Well... Sergeant Plout!

What a pleasant surprise.

Please don't take me back
in the Army, please, please!

I couldn't stand
it; it would kill me!

Please take Laverne;
she's taller than I am!

Please, Sergeant
Plout, I'm begging you!

Please, please.

Shirl, where's your pride?

Take her. She
needs the discipline.

Well, you girls are jumpier
than two mermaids at a fish fry.

Ow!

I ain't here on Army business.

You're not?

Well, how nice of you to
drop by, Sergeant Plout.

No more "Sergeant."

- I'm a civilian now.
- Yeah?

And Alvinia T.
Plout is all woman.

I'm ready, I'm willing,

and boy, howdy, am I able.

Whew!

I'm so embarrassed.

Gee, this doesn't seem
like the same Sergeant Plout

who wanted to put
hair on our chests.

No.

- Hairy chest.
- Yes.

My Thaddeus had a hairy chest.

I can't keep up this
charade any longer.

What charade?

My painted smile.

You girls are looking at
one broken-hearted dog face.

Both my uniform and my
heart have been retired

from active duty.

How she do that with her lips?

I don't know.

Are you saying you left
the Army because of a man?

Oh, Alvinia, what happened?

Hi-ho, Rhonda's here.

Oh, I brought you
the, uh, doggie bag

from my date last night.

Oh, you had a date
with another dog, huh?

Boy, howdy, your mama
must have fed you a lot

of butter beans
and red-eye gravy.

Oh!

Uh, um, Alvinia, this is
our neighbor, Rhonda Lee.

Rhonda, this is Alvinia Plout,
our sergeant from the Army.

The Army!

Oh, they were so good in
Bridge on the River Kwai.

- Oh.
- Get her out of here, Shirl.

Uh, Rhonda, you'll
have to excuse us.

Alvinia was about
to tell us her saga

of romance on the home front.

Oh, goody! War stories!

You tell yours,
and I'll tell mine.

Oh, hot dog, it's story time.

Well, you see, it all
started when General...

Time's up. Rhonda,
it's your turn.

No. Just a second, Rhonda.

I want to hear hers.

- Laverne.
- I learn from her.

- Well, you'll learn later.
- Oh.

Alvinia is our guest.

Please, Alvinia, continue.

It all started when
General Thaddeus T. Strong

jumped into my foxhole
during maneuvers.

The first time I saw
him lob a grenade,

I was his for the plucking.

We exchanged dog tags.

He even painted
my name on his jeep.

And then she came along.

Little Miss Red Cross in
her nursey-white stockings.

He fell for her quicker
than a pig on the freeway.

Ever since then, I
haven't been able

to look at another
uniform without barfing.

Oh.

Rhonda is so moved.

Oh.

I'm going to use
your wretched life

for my next audition piece.

His for the plucking,
pig on a freeway.

Oh, and, girls,
enjoy the doggie bag,

but don't fight over the bone.

Nursey-white stockings.

Boy, I'd like to take this
and throw it right in her face.

If it wasn't prime rib.

- Prime rib.
- Hmm?

Save me some for later.

Alvinia, we're very sorry

that your love
affair didn't work out,

but there'll be more.

There'll be others.
Yes, there will.

Listen to me.
There will be others.

- Shirl?
- What?

Don't get her hopes
up. Look at her.

I'm just trying to be nice.

Don't do that.

Alvinia, if there's anything
Laverne and I can do,

anything at all...

Hot dang, I knew I could
count on you two girls.

I'll get the door.

And don't worry about
a thing. I'll take the sofa.

Girls, we are gonna have fun!

We're home, Sarge!

- Alvinia?
- Yo.

Sergeant?

Whoo.

Nope.

Ah, here it is.

All right, here, let's
see what we've got.

"Feeney and DeFazio...

"I've laid in some supplies

"while I'm bunking
in your barracks.

"I didn't have
time to unpack 'em

"" cause I started my
new job at Oscar's Lounge.

"With regards, Alvinia T. Plout.

"P.S. Don't worry.

I'll try to be home for
midnight bed-check."

Sugar Nuts. My favorite.

Huh. Wonder how she
got a job at Oscar's Lounge.

Wonder what she's doing there.

I can't see Alvinia being
a hostess at Oscar's.

No. I got it.

She's a bouncer.

Well, no one's going
to mess with a woman

whose favorite sport is
hand-to-hand combat.

Oh, girls.

Oh, girls, you got
to see this. You got...

Come on over here.
Take my word for it.

Come on over here.

You got to see this. Huh?

I'm telling you, Shirl, they
could smell chips a mile away.

Come on, come on.
No, no, no, later, later.

Prepare yourself for the
most amazing transformation

since Michael Landon
became a teenage werewolf!

Polo, anyone?

My dears, you are
looking at living proof

that blondes have more... fun.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I got to get a picture.

- Yeah, yeah.
- What do you think?

- I'm stunned.
- Yeah.

Of course you're stunned.
You're experiencing passion.

Come here, Squigg.
Look over here.

I mean, you know, he
was good-looking before,

but now he's a goddess.

Please, no more
pictures. I'm drooling.

Well, what do you think?

Pretty, uh... pretty
extinguished, huh, Laverne?

I'm telling you, if I didn't
have control of my emotions,

I'd be all over him.

Which reminds me, Len.

Cheerleading school
lets out in five minutes.

Mm, women with ankle weights.

I love lady gym teachers.

- I love ladies named Jim.
- Really?

- Really? Think I want to... Oh, wait.
- Oh.

- There.
- Ah.

Oh, boy, what do you
two idiots want now, huh?

Where is Sergeant Plout?

She ain't here.

Then why is there a pup
tent in your living room?

Oh, uh, the place
came furnished.

What do you want her for?

She's absent without leave.

Sergeant Plout is AWOL?

You know, if we don't
find Sergeant Plout

before the MPs find her,

she's gonna be in the
stockades for the rest of her life.

Don't worry. We'll find her.

Maybe we should just
yell, "Live grenade,"

and see who jumps on it.

- I don't think so.
- Yeah, I...

I don't think.

Hey, it's showtime!

Ha, ha!

Hey, we're just in
time for the show.

Are you crazy? We got
to find Sergeant Plout.

We can't sit here for a show!

- It's showtime.
- Are you...

Now, sit down and
watch the show.

Thank you very, very much.

How very nice
of you to invite us.

We're very pleased
to have a first-timer

here with us at
Oscar's Show Lounge.

So would you welcome please

the unique song
stylings of Charity!

Doesn't that Charity lady

remind you of someone we know?

Carol Burnett?

No, no, uh, Sergeant Plout.

Nah.

Howdy, y'all.

It's Sergeant Plout,
and she's gonna sing!

I'm so glad we came.

I would like to dedicate
my first song tonight

to all you women out there

who have had trouble
with a two-timing man.

It is called "Four-Star
Lover." Hit it.

♪ Listen to me, ladies ♪

♪ If you're going with a man ♪

Sing it baby, sing it.

♪ Listen to my story ♪

♪ So you all will understand ♪

♪ When a man tells
you his love will gush ♪

♪ Like a geyser ♪

♪ Better make
sure he's not full ♪

♪ Of fertilizer ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Met a three-stripe girl ♪

♪ Four-star lover
gave me quite a whirl ♪

♪ Four-star lover went
and broke my heart ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Left me for a cheap tart ♪

♪ I met him one day ♪

♪ I was parking his jeep ♪

♪ He told me I had
all his love to keep ♪

♪ Then one fateful night ♪

♪ It all turned to trash ♪

♪ When he fell for the nurse ♪

♪ Who treated ♪

♪ His rash ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Met a three-stripe girl ♪

♪ Four-star lover
gave me quite a whirl ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Went and broke my heart ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Left me for a cheap tart ♪

♪ Woo-woo-woo,
woo-woo-woo-woo. ♪

That's just great.

Shirl, MPs, MPs!

Hey, hey, hey, where
do you think you're going?

We represent the Army
on official business.

Surround the place.

Did you hear that?
What are we gonna do?

Let's get Plout out of here.

Check back there.

For my next number, I would...

What the damn
hell are you doing?

Phone call from MP Records.

Oh, fish water!

This way. Out there,
out there, out there.

Wait. Wait a minute. What
did you two do with my singer?!

- Uh...
- I paid for a whole show!

Yeah, well, we're
part of the act.

We'll be right back.

Same price!

Sorry about that little
mix-up there, folks,

but our star is back.

And this time, she's
bringing on her entire revue.

So now, will you welcome
the truly innovative sounds

of Faith, Hope and Charity!

- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪

♪ You don't want me
no more, no more ♪

♪ No more ♪

♪ No, no more ♪

♪ No more ♪

- ♪ And I ♪
- ♪ I, I ♪

- ♪ Don't want to be hurted ♪
- ♪ Hurted ♪

- ♪ Anymore ♪
- ♪ No more ♪

- ♪ Anymore ♪ -♪ No more ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, yeah,
I would love you so hard ♪

♪ Everything I did was no joy ♪

♪ No joy ♪

♪ If I can't love
you right, baby ♪

♪ Don't have to
love you at all ♪

Oh, yeah!

- ♪ No more ♪
- Yeah!

♪ No more ♪

All right! You go there!

All right!

- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪

♪ You don't love me no more ♪

- ♪ No more ♪
- ♪ No more ♪

- ♪ No, no more ♪
- ♪ No more ♪

♪ It must have been
somebody loving you more ♪

- ♪ You more ♪
- ♪ Loving you more ♪

- ♪ You more ♪
- ♪ Ain't no use ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ In me crying now ♪

♪ All because you
have put me down ♪

Way down.

♪ If I can't love
you right, baby ♪

♪ Ain't no use in
me hanging round ♪

♪ Hanging round. ♪

Oh, yeah!

♪ No more, no more ♪

Girls, thanks for
bailing me out.

Ah.

- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪

- ♪ I know ♪ -♪ I know ♪
- Alvinia.

Alvinia, you are not bailed out.

You are still AWOL,
and one of these days,

those MPs are gonna
catch up with you.

A woman's got to do
what a woman's got to do.

Oh.

But you're not thinking
straight, Alvinia.

They're not gonna give up.

- They're gonna hunt you down.
- They're sure not. Right.

One of these days, they're gonna
come a-knockin' on your door.

- I'll get it.
- No, no, Shirl.

I was making a
dramatic point here.

- Oh. Oh.
- Girls, your old sergeant

appreciates what
you're trying to do here,

but what would you two
really know about love?

I mean, real, "feel it down
to the tips of your toes,

lose your appetite, lay
awake at night" love.

You lose your appetite?

Makes me eat like a horse.

Let me relate a little
story to you, Alvinia,

that not too many
people know about.

I, too, once had a love
that meant the world to me.

- You did?
- You did?

I did.

And it was a man
in uniform, too.

I can still see his
shiny brass buttons

pressed tightly against
his young, firm chest.

Oh, I know what that
can do to a woman.

His name: Harvey Carone.

The Eagle Scout?

You were 12 years old!

The first cut is always
the deepest, Laverne.

Yes. Yes.

He was... I would do
anything in the world

to be near Harvey.

I even dressed up like
an old lady one time

just so he'd help
me across the street.

Boy, poor Shirl,

she looked like "The
Wreck of the Hesperus."

But she bounced back.

I bounced back, Alvinia.

Uh, she found
herself a better guy.

Better guy... President
of the 4-H club.

Had his own sheep
and everything.

Well, girls, thank you for
sharing your puberty with me.

But what's the point?

- What's the point?!
- What's the point?

What's the point?!

The point is, Alvinia,

you... you are
an-an... an active...

young...: Help me. Help me.

Hot?

Desirable woman.

It's true.

So you got your heart broken.

Big deal.

What better place
to meet another guy

than in the Army, huh?

That's right.

There's over one
million men there,

and only, like, 12,000 women.

That means for every
woman, there's...

Divide this... You divide...

- If you divide the...
- More than enough.

That's right. That's right.

And, Alvinia, think about this.

If you leave the Army,

you'll be leaving all the things
you love most in the world.

Oh, that's so true.

Travel, machine guns,

powdered fish, full
psychiatric care...

and metal.

Heavy metal, Alvinia.

You know how you
love heavy metal.

And power.

Power, Alvinia!

When you say, "Fall
out and shake a leg,"

those legs start shaking.

Aw, you put it so
beautifully, Shirl.

Thank you.

Think about it, Alvinia.

All you got to do
is turn yourself in,

and with a record like yours...
And a good amnesia story...

All you'll get is a couple
extra weeks of KP.

Well, maybe I was thinking
with my broken heart

instead of my usual horse sense.

So what's it gonna be, Alvinia?

Oh, geez.

Sergeant Alvinia T.
Plout reporting for duty.

Yes, ma'am!

Oh, that's great, Sarge.

- That is just great.
- That's wonderful.

Well, I guess you'll want to be
packing up and leaving, huh?

Wrong!

I don't pack, you do.

Feeney, DeFazio... attention!

You, call a cab and
make my reservations.

You, pack up all
my gear by 2300.

No folds in the underwear.

Well, move it, on the double!

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

America, I'm coming home.

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Met a three-star girl ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Gave my heart a twirl ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Went and broke my heart ♪

♪ Four-star lover ♪

♪ Went and tore me apart... ♪

♪ Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-
whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. ♪

- Look at this.
- Hi.

We got a picture postcard
from Sergeant Plout.

Fort Leavenworth.

Oh.

"Dear girls,

"Like you said, they wanted
to let me off with a little KP.

"But I insisted they lock me up.

Can't let the Army go soft."

- Ah.
- "Prison ain't that bad.

Wish you were here."

Look at here.

There's a little
picture of her cell.

It overlooks the exercise
yard; isn't that nice?

- That's nice.
- Willie wrote it.

Laverne, get your camera.

Girls, you noticed
him as a brunette.

You loved him as a blonde.

But now, look out, Tom Jones,
because, ladies and gentlemen,

this is Andrew Squiggman!

Ha!

♪ What's up, Pussycat? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ What's up, Pussycat? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪