Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 6, Episode 18 - Fifth Anniversary - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



I finished wrapping
their anniversary present.

- Mmm, mmm, good!
- What's for breakfast?

I am starving.

Something your body

has been craving
for many years now.

Paul Newman?

Wake up on the smut
side of the bed again

- this morning, uh-huh?
- Aw, Shirl, give me a break.

No, it's my fortified
energy drink.

Look in here.

- Whoop, forgot the orange slices.
- It's green.

Oh, yeah... Parsley
and kwannis moss.

I got a couple of egg yolks
I got to throw in there yet,

and there's some brewer's yeast
in there, some wheat germ oil.

It's terrific. Another
orange slice.

Uh, no, well, I'd rather
not drink anything

that looks like a bottom of
a dirty fishbowl, you know?

What are you talking about?

Rather drink your
milk and Pepsi?

It's not green.

Why can't we have a
normal breakfast like some...

Sugar-Frosted Happy Nuts, huh?

- Tooth decay in a box, Laverne.
- Aw...

That's all it is,
tooth decay in a box,

and besides we're out of milk.

Now, what did I do
with my cod liver oil?

Oh. No...

What does this
taste like anyway?

Ooh!

Ah, this... this will
be wonderful in there.

I'm gonna put a cu... Laverne.

Laverne, what is this floating
around in my energy drink?

Energy?

- Those are Happy Nuts, Laverne.
- No.

- Happy Nuts should not be in there.
- How'd they get in there?

- Now, would you please just get them out?
- How...

- Please, that's not fair to me.
- They must've got in

with the wheat germ.

No!

No! No!

All gone.

Very well... I'll just have
to counteract that sugar

with a double
dose of cod liver oil.

Thank God for cod.

We've got to
get that bell fixed.

- Who is it?!
- It's me, Edna. Anybody home?

- Oh.
- It's Edna. It's Edna.

Come here, quick!
Hide the present.

- I'll keep her busy.
- Oh... ooh!

Hide the present?!

- Hi, Edna.
- Hi, Laverne.

Did you hide it?

- I can't get it under the couch.
- Would you come on?

- Would you come on already?
- All right!

Laverne, are you
gonna ask me in?

You know, that was gonna
be my very next question.

Shir... Want to come in?

As long as I'm here.

- Isn't that peephole great?
- Yeah.

I was thinking of putting
one in the bathroom door.

Yeah.

- Hi, Edna! Ta-da.
- Hi.

Um, she was, uh...
just in the closet

seeing if that umbrella
really glows in the dark.

- And it does. It glows right in there.
- I told you.

- Glows right in the dark.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

So, how's the
anniversary girl today, huh?

Oh, fine, yeah.

You know, it's been five years

I've been married
to your father?

Did he get you a present yet?

Oh, not yet. Uh...

to be honest with you, I don't
think he even remembers.

But what do I need?
I've got my health.

- Oh, this is sad.
- Mm-hmm.

And to keep you fit as a fiddle,
Edna, I'm going to give you

- a slug of my energy drink.
- Uh, Shirl, she said

she's got her health.
Leave well enough alone.

Oh, don't worry, Edna.

Pop'll come through.

He remembered last
year's anniversary, didn't he?

That was 'cause
the night before,

I slept in my wedding dress.

Yeah? What a great idea.

Why didn't you
do that last night?

That wedding dress is
now our bedroom curtains.

Oh.

Well, you should've done
something... you know how he is.

- He never remembers anything.
- Don't I know it.

He forgets his own telephone
number, he forgets his keys

and... and the worst thing
is he can't even remember

to fix the jack on the trailer,
and it's been broken for days!

I'm still waiting for braces.

Here we go, Edna. Liquid pep.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna send some
home with you for Frank.

If it doesn't
improve his memory,

at least he'll forget
with vim and vigor.

That wasn't very
ladylike, Laverne.

Hey, girls, it was nice of
you to listen to my complaints.

I just had to blow
off some steam.

Yeah, well, we're gonna
do more than listen.

I'm gonna go down
to Cowboy Bill's

and start dropping a few hints,

like wish him
happy anniversary...

- Oh, no, no, no. No hints.
- Don't do that.

- Why? Why?
- No hints.

- No, if he remembers, he remembers.
- Right.

And if he forgets,
I'm gonna kill him.

And you girls got to promise
you won't give any hints.

I promise. You're
the anniversary girl.

Laverne?

- Hmm?
- You, too.

I'll get it.

You're taking an
awful big chance, Edna.

- Hello?
- I'm used to taking chances.

I've been married six times.

Okay, I promise.

Okay, just a second.
Edna, it's guess who,

and guess what I'll
bet he remembered.

- Oh.
- Hey, you worried about nothing.

There you go.

Uh, yes, Frank, what is it?

Uh-huh... Uh-huh... A surprise?!

I'll be right down.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

Frank's got a surprise for
me down at Cowboy Bill's...

Hey.

And he wants us all to
come down right away.

- All of us?
- Let's go.

Yippee!

Boy, Shirl, that energy drink
of yours really works. Come on.

You bet it works.

Oh, this is terrible!

Okay, Mr. DeFazio...
that's the camera.

That's a camera. I
know that's a camera.

I see it's a camera. I got it.

- Okay, look at it.
- I'm looking at it.

What else sh-should I
do? That's it. Camera.

Okay, when the red
light's on, we're on the air.

On the air.

Okay, ready for rehearsal.

- Okay.
- Three, two...

Good evening. This is Hillary
Hinkle, Dining Out in Burbank.

We're at Cowboy Bill's with
the owner, Frank DeFazio.

Pretend we're on the air.

Well, thanks for welcoming
us to Cowboy Bill's.

What's your specialty, Frank?

No kidding!

Rooster Ribs.

Well, tell the people about
the Rooster Ribs, Frank.

- Mitch! Excuse me.
- All right, cut! Cut!

- Okay, okay. Who booked him?
- What's happening?

I don't know. I don't know.

- I don't know.
- Well, fix it.

- I'm gonna go tease my hair.
- Okay... okay...

I'm Frank DeFazio.
Welcome to Cowboy Bill's.

Oh. It's easy.

Slow down, would you, Edna?

- Wow!
- Excuse me.

What's going on here?

I don't know,
but whatever it is,

your anniversary gift
has got to be something,

because channel
six is covering it.

Go, go.

Frank, I'm here
to get my surprise.

Oh, am I glad you're here!
W-We're gonna be on TV.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

Hey, Milwaukee,
eat your hearts out!

It's here, California... Last
Christmas, 80 degrees!

Hello, Mrs. Kolchek, hi!

Turn your TV up, darling!

- Turn it up! She's deaf.
- Come on, come on, come on!

Move it out, move it out!

Edna and I are going to
be on Dining Out in Burbank.

- Oh.
- Ooh, that's...

- After that, what happens?
- I'm gonna get Hillary Hinkle

to sign an autographed
picture for the restaurant.

And then after that?

You'll clean up.
Look at this mess.

You mean this is my surprise?
I'm gonna talk burgers and fries

- with Hillary Hinkle?
- No, no, no.

I'm gonna talk
burgers and fries.

You're gonna talk condiments.

And that way we'll build
up a big, big business.

- Business.
- Right.

That's all you can
think about is business.

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something.

Next cold night when
your feet need warming up,

you can go stick
'em in a bowl of chili!

Aw, gee, hey, come
on, you didn't mean that!

Come on...!

- Come on back here!
- What's the matter with her?

Well, it's... Well,
today is... Saturday.

So? She was fine last Saturday.

I'm sorry, but we can't tell you
what is wrong with your wife...

of five years... your
wife of five years.

- Five years.
- Yeah.

Big deal... Aw,
come on, Pop, think.

- Think hard.
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking!

Well, it's real important.

I got it! I got it!

- He got it.
- Oh, thank goodness.

Her feet hurt again.

No, her feet? We're
gonna have to tell him.

Hillary? Mr. DeFazio,
we're all set.

Think. What-what
of all things...

Oh, wonderful.
Your wife made it.

Hello.

Come on, Mr. DeFazio,
let's touch up your makeup,

just in case you decide
to move your lips.

I can't believe this.
I can't believe this.

Just last week I was
asked to show my I.D.

- to buy a bottle of beer.
- Yeah, well, we can't

have them fighting
on their anniversary.

- We got to do something.
- Do something?!

Laverne, that woman
thinks I am your mother.

Well, then come on, Mom,
come on... try and keep up here.

Okay, here we go.
Everybody ready? Stand by.

And three, two...

Oh, you know something, Laverne?

I love your folks' trailer.

It brings out the
gypsy in my soul.

Yeah, and if you ever want
to move, you just hitch it up

- and drive it away.
- Yeah.

Oh, Shirl, I got
to hand it to you.

Recreating the night my
pop and Edna first met

was a stroke of genius.

True, true.

I just wish they
had met in Paris

rather than the Pizza Bowl.

- Aw.
- Aw.

What are you talking about, huh?

Memories... memories...

I just hope this surprise
party gets them back together

- and not angry at each other.
- Aw.

Edna's so good with divorces.

She'll probably get
the trailer, the franchise.

She'll probably even
get custody of me.

Oh, don't be stupid.
Don't be stupid.

Why would she
want custody of you?

Well, then who
gets custody of me?

Oh, forget about that.

Trust me.

This is gonna work, Laverne.

Think so?

Wasn't it a stroke of
genius on Carmine's part

to take your parents
to the amusement park?

Well, what's so amusing

when people aren't
talking to each other?

Well, how can you
be mad at somebody

on a wild mouse ride, I ask you.

They can scream. They
can scream, can't they?

Yeah, but if they scream
then people just think

they're screaming
at the ride, that's all.

- Okay, my end's up.
- Wait, let me get mine.

- Anniversary.
- Yeah. Okay. Anniversary.

That's great.

No, wait. It is not.

My end's up higher than yours,

and I think it
should be centered.

What difference does it make?

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, what was that?

Oh... It's the big one, Laverne.

California's shooting the pier.

Oh... oh... oh...

No, no, we're still in
Cowboy Bill's parking lot.

What the heck is...
- Ouch!
- The jack.

- Who?
- The trailer jack, remember?

- Edna said it was busted.
- Oh! Oh, yeah, you're...

I get it.

It's just like a great
big old see-saw.

Oh.

All we got to do
is keep it balanced.

I think your theory
may be wrong, Laverne.

- No, I think...
- Oh, yeah. There.

See? We're okay.

Okay, okay.

Cross.

Bring in that table there.

- Scoot it in.
- Oh... Easy, easy, easy.

Counter me here.

Okay.

Now, you get the cake,

bring it here, and I'll get, uh,

the whipped cream to put on it.

All right.

Easy. Okay.

- Oh. Oh, dear.
- What?

Here, give it to
me, so I can write it.

- No, I want to write it.
- I get to write it.

I'm gonna to write it.

I write it, Laverne,

I have much better
penmanship than you.

It's my pop, isn't it? Isn't it?

Give it... no.

All right. Okay, okay.

Easy.

"Ha... "Happy... Ha... ppy..."

Hey Frank and Edna,

your trailer sure
looks pretty tonight.

As a matter of fact, the
closer I get, the better it looks.

Hey, that's some doorknob
you got there, Frank and Edna.

- Ooh.
- All right.

- Wait-wait in the back.
- We'll hide in the...

Yeah, but we got to wait...

Well, we're back just in time
to see Mr. DeFazio on TV.

I don't want to see the program.

Oh!

Oh... BOTH: Surprise.

Oh...

Tastes good.

Good.

Hmm.

How about a toast, huh?

- Ah!
- Okay.

To my pop and Edna on
their fifth wedding anniversary.

May they always be as
happy as they are today.

- Lovely.
- Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

Thanks everyone,
for remembering.

Almost everyone.

I remembered!

I remembered our anniversary!

I remembered!

Like you remembered to fix

the jack on the trailer?

We've been teeter-tottering
around here all week.

I remembered.
I just didn't do it.

- Shh.
- Well, you should have done it.

Come on, come on, come on.

Listen, we're here
to have fun, all right?

- Not to argue.
- Right.

This is a happy
night, all right?

It's your fifth anniversary,

Mr. DeFazio's going
to be on TV, huh?

That's right, and you
know what we have

in store for you tonight?

Guess what?

We're going to recreate
that beautiful moment

when first you two met.

When first love blossomed...

at the Pizza Bowl.

That's right, and that historic
moment went just like this.

Carmine?

I'm crossing.

Edna Babish, I'd like you to
meet my pop, Frank DeFazio.

Pop, I'd like you to meet our
new landlady, Edna Babish,

Say hi to each other.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hello.

Oh, that was beautiful.

I got a lump right here.

Hey, Mr. DeFazio, what do you

remember the most
about that night?

- Hmm?
- What do I remember most

- about that night?
- Yeah.

I'll tell you what I
remember about that night.

He remembered
something. He remembers.

You ready? There was
a big fire in the grease pit.

- And then the whole joint...
- Excuse me.

I gotta go get a Rolaid.

- Edna!
- Laverne. Laverne.

Oh.

You got to warn me

if you can't sit still, Edna.

I thought you were
going to take them

to the Tunnel Of Love.

I thought you were gonna
give them a surprise!

I did, I did! Can I help it

if they came out
in separate swans?

Oh, Edna, no, no, no,
no, no, don't sit there.

- Sit here next to Mr. DeFazio.
- No, this is just fine...

- Come on, let's just...
- I'd much rather...

Plan B. Plan B. B, B.

Sit right here.

Plan B!

Whoa... ah!

Yay, we got 'em
where we want 'em.

All right, okay, let's go.

Carmine, let's walk
down Memory Lane.

Okay, we're going to take
you back to that historic date

in the book of love:
August 8, 1958.

Frank and Edna,
this is your song.

♪♪

♪ Chances are ♪

♪ 'Cause I wear a silly grin ♪

♪ The moment you
come into view ♪

♪ Chances are you think ♪

♪ That I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Just because my
composure sort of slips ♪

♪ The moment that
your lips meet mine ♪

♪ Chances are you'll think ♪

♪ My heart's a valentine ♪

♪ In the magic of moonlight... ♪

Oh, God.

- Whoa!
- Look out!

Well, Carmine, you brought
the house down again.

Well, this party's
oodles of fun.

How would you two like to
open your anniversary gift now?

- Okay.
- No.

Come on, come on,

what's a party without
unwrapping something?

Here.

- I'm...
- Oh... Sit yourselves down.

Okay.

Here you go.

Here's a little present

that Carmine, Shirley and I all
chipped in for your anniversary.

- Oh, thank you.
- Happy anniversary.

Oh.

Look at that, a
blanket on a leash.

Now Frank can be warm
when he sleeps on the couch.

Yeah, take it from me,
a guy that sleeps alone.

They're great.

Just don't turn
them up too high,

you'll wake up hot and sweaty.

Hello.

Hey...

Don't be afraid, Laverne,
it's not a real animal.

Hey, listen, we're
sorry we're late,

but we, uh, me and Squiggy,
have discovered the land

of good and plenty,
and they call it Tijuana.

That's Mexican for
"my dog is skinny."

That's right. You know...

And, and as long as
we were down there,

we picked you up this
traditional anniversary piñata.

- That's right.
- See?

Even Lenny and
Squiggy remembered.

We're gonna show
you how it works.

I remembered, I remembered!

- All right, it's fine...
- Oh, no, Lenny.

- Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.
- Now, I got so good at this...

Wait a minute.

- Where am I? Where am I?
- Squig! Squig. Squig.

Hello? Who is talking to me?

- Please, who is this?
- It's-it's me.

Laverne? Laverne.

Laverne, it's you.

What are you doing?

Don't be such a Nasty Nellie.

No, no, no, no, no.

You'll get your chance.

- Come on, Squig.
- All right, here I go.

All right, hold back.

Hold it.

Where is... where
is that sucker?

He's dead, he's dead, he's dead.

Dead? Oh, my goodness.

- I killed Cock Robin.
- Yeah.

I think you busted
the trailer a little bit too.

Nah, nah, the trailer
was already broken.

Oh, well,

then why did you
try to pin it on me?

Say, Ed?

Ed, if you want your
candy, it's right here.

You can have your...

- Oh, no, thank you.
- Gosh...

they said it would melt in
your mouth, not in your bird.

Okay...

we got to level this off!
We got to level this off.

- Come over here.
- Okay.

- All right.
- You go over there.

- You'll come and... Yeah.
- I'm over here.

Okay.

Look, everybody, thank you.

Thank you very much,
but this is not gonna work.

I'm going to go take
some seasick pills,

and I'm going to bed.

- Oh...
- Oh, come on Edna,

you can't do that.

Pop's going to be on TV.

Yeah, you can't
miss Frank on TV.

All right.

All right, I'll watch.

But don't expect applause.

No one applaud.

I'm still in the doghouse?

Does anybody here believe

I didn't forget our anniversary?

I... I believe you, sir.

I rest my case.

Thank you.

Maybe somebody
should turn the TV on.

- Good idea.
- Oh, yeah.

Easy, Len.

- What channel?
- Channel six.

- Channel six.
- Yeah.

Thank you, Chef Pierre,

for that truly inspiring
prune Danish.

Oh, look, it's the
Gallivanting Gourmet

and his lovely wife Edie.

Shh, shh! I'm next,
I'm next, I'm next.

Of course, for those of you

who crave uniquely
American cuisine,

Dining Out in Burbank
visited with Frank DeFazio,

owner of Cowboy
Bill's Barbeque Pit.

- That's great!
- Oh-ho!

Daddy...

- Doesn't Pop look handsome, Edna?
- It's the makeup.

So, tell me, Frank,

how do you give
your Rooster Ribs

that distinctive
barbecue flavor?

I put on barbecue sauce.

They sell it at all the markets.

Oh, great.

They'll be banging
on our doors after that.

But the real secret
to our success

is my beautiful wife Edna.

I couldn't have
done it without her.

We've been married
today five years.

Five beautiful years.

And since she
can't join me on TV,

I'd like to say to
the whole world,

happy anniversary, Edna.

I love you very, very much.

Aw. - Oh... Frank.

Not this! Please, please!

I get embarrassed.

Hey, Romeo and Juliet,

it's time to make a little
money and open up the place.

All right, let's
open up the place.

I'll get it; I'll get the door.

Boy, I hope that TV plug
brings in a lot of business.

Oh, don't worry.

Oh, there must be hundreds
of them, hundreds of them.

They all have blue hair and
they're marching this way.

What is it, Martians?

Oh, there he is!

Oh, Frankie,

you cute little
whiskery teddy bear.

Look at you!

Ladies, ladies, get back.

Get back.

Ladies... he's mine!
Now you leave him alone!

Keep your hands
off his mustache!

He's mine!

Back, back, back, back, back.

Ladies, calm down.

Boy, the power of television.

Isn't it something?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪