Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Fourth Annual Shotz Talent Show - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Aw, look, look how sad he looks.
Come on, we-we got to let
him audition with this new act.
All right, okay, okay.
- All right, okay.
- Tell him.
So, Mr. DeFazio, Laverne
tells me that you have a new act.
- Is it good?
- No.
But that's the beauty of it.
You don't have to be good
if you've got a gimmick.
Oh, you got that, uh, dummy
that looks just like you, right?
No, I've got the dummy
that looks like you.
- That don't look like me!
- Oh, well,
- no, there is a slight resemblance.
- Where?
Well, around the "L."
- Do not encourage him.
- Well, it is!
Hey, hey, get a load of this.
Hey, Muffin, I want you
home at 10:00 tonight.
Aw, Dad, I don't wanna.
I'm a big girl now.
Pop, I don't talk like that.
Oh, come on. Let him go on.
I find this highly entertaining.
Pshaw.
Is there a cute
doctor I could meet?
Is that a Shirley dummy?
With a Boo Boo Kitty Cat?
I can see it, I can see it.
You know, in all due
respect, Mr. DeFazio,
you cannot do this act.
I thought you said it
was highly entertaining.
Well, not with a dummy
that doesn't look like me at all!
Sure. There could be
one that looks like me.
It's ugly, absolutely ugly.
Hold it, hold it, hold!
Wait a minute, hold it!
The truth now. You hate it.
- No...
- No?
We don't hate it.
How could you say that?
We don't hate it at all.
We, uh...
It's just that we
think it's, uh...
- Too good!
- Too good.
It's much too good,
you'll steal the show.
That's right, I mean, who
would want to follow you?
I mean, all the other acts
would seem like amateurs.
- Y-You really mean this?
- Sure. -Yes.
No kidding?
- I have a wonderful idea.
- What?
A wonderful idea.
Why don't you emcee the
show again this year, huh? Huh?!
Huh? Aren't you better
than Ed Sullivan, huh?
Doesn't the
audience just love it
when you tell them
to shut up, huh?
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, I do that,
uh, I-I do that good.
And I don't want to
be better and outshine
- the other acts in there.
- No.
- So I'll emcee.
- Good.
Okay? And, uh...
We'll see you
tomorrow then, okay?
Plus, when you
got it, you got it.
Oh, oh, oh, Bernice!
That was marvelous!
Oh, thank you, but you
should really thank Milo.
He did the choreography.
Oh, Milo, Milo,
this is even better
- than last year's bunny hop.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
I'm walk... Find
out if he liked it.
So, Mr. Shotz, what did
you think of 'em, huh?
Well, I guess that sort
of sums it up, doesn't it?
Well, what'd he say?
- In a word?
- Yeah.
I don't get it, Shirl.
He hasn't liked one act all day.
Maybe he hates animals.
Hello!
Why do we have to
follow a dancing bear?
Because the bear
refused to follow you.
The bear told you that?
Why is a talking bear
wasting his time dancing?
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Mr. Shotz, you there?
Yes, girls.
Here they are, your
favorite truck drivers,
Lenny and the Squigtones!
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ She said you better
wear your rubbers ♪
♪ Or you're gonna
catch your death ♪
♪ Keep your eye on
what you're eating ♪
♪ And do something
about your breath ♪
♪ Treat a lady like a woman,
treat a woman like a man ♪
♪ But I was only seven,
and I didn't understand ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything would be all right,
everything would be all right ♪
♪ She said you're
running with a crowd ♪
♪ And it's going
to turn you bad ♪
♪ Till you end up
picking pockets ♪
♪ On the corner like your
dad, I told her she was crazy ♪
♪ I was smarter than the fuzz ♪
♪ But 30 days in prison showed
how right my mama was ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Said you'd better
learn a trade ♪
♪ Never make it on your
looks, take a job near a college ♪
♪ Maybe swipe a few books,
but I didn't pay attention ♪
♪ No, I didn't take heed ♪
♪ Now they're
holding up a contract ♪
♪ Asking me to read, if only
I'd have listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Everything would be all right,
everything would be all right! ♪
- Very good, that was really great, guys.
- That was great.
Ah, thanks a lot, Laverne.
Uh, so, Mr. Shotz,
what do you think? Huh?
He loved it!
No, Len.
- He liked it?
- No.
Look, why don't you
take the boys in the band
- for some burgers, huh?
- Okay, the burgers are on... them.
Yeah.
Well, what was the
matter with them?
It's... it's not what
I'm looking for.
Well, what are you looking for?
I want something
that says "Shotz."
Well, they could wear
little signs that say "Shotz."
What else have you got?
Uh, just a moment, sir.
- Well, we got Edna and Carmine.
- Yeah, what else?
Or we got Frank O'Malley
doing hand shadows with his feet.
Uh, I don't know, with his toes
they all look like long
rabbits with five ears.
True. We better go with
Edna and Carmine, huh?
Go get 'em,
and, uh, I'll tell...
Uh, Mr. Shotz, here's
something we think you're really
going to enjoy... Edna DeFazio
and Carmine Ragusa doing
the traditional, yet ever-
popular "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
And five, six, seven, eight.
♪♪
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle do or die ♪
♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪
♪ Born on the Fourth of July ♪
♪ I've got a Yankee
Doodle sweetheart ♪
♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle went to London ♪
♪ Just to ride a pony ♪
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle do or die ♪
♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪
♪ Born on the Fourth of July ♪
♪ Got a Yankee
Doodle sweetheart ♪
Sell it, Mom!
♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle ♪
♪ Went to London
just to ride a pony ♪
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm a real live
Yankee Doodle ♪
♪ Made my name
in fame and boodle ♪
♪ I'm the kid gets all the candy
I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪
♪ I'm glad I am,
so's Uncle Sam ♪
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy! ♪
That was great, that was great!
That was wonderful!
Oh, I hope you liked it.
Well, what'd you think, huh?
I loved it.
- You're in the show.
- He loved it!
We're in the show!
We're in the show!
You guys! I love you guys!
Okay, go home,
don't let her catch cold.
That was my mother!
Not to mention my boyfriend.
Now, that's what
Shotz is all about.
- What?
- America.
Well, girls, since you're
in charge of the show,
I want every act to be about
America and Americans.
You read me?
Uh, uh... yes, Mr. Shotz.
However, Laverne and I have been
rehearsing a wonderful
rock and roll number
that you're just going to love.
Allow us to show it to you now.
Come on, Laverne.
And, one, two, three, four!
No.
I told you what I want.
America is the theme.
Yeah, but the talent
show's only two days away.
We can't change our
number, it's impossible.
Then you're out of the show.
Oh, then again, nothing
is impossible in America.
Five, six, seven...
♪ You're a grand old flag ♪
♪ You're a high-flying flag,
and forever in peace... ♪
Boy, how does that Mr.
Expect us to turn every single
solitary act except for Edna
and Carmine into
America in one single day?
Well, we're clever.
Got any bright ideas?
No pits.
Huh?
No pits. Every time you squeeze
orange juice, I always
end up with the pits.
I don't like the
pits, I like the pulp.
Well, you got to take
the pits with the pulp.
That's the way life is.
They're very, very
dangerous for you.
They get into your
stomach, and they cause you
to grow stomach gardens.
- That ain't true.
- Yes, it is.
Nothing happens if
you swallow a pit... look.
- It certainly...
- Look here, I'm eating a pit.
- Oh, oh, oh. Nothing.
- Nothing, nothing.
- I wouldn't do that.
- All right.
- Nothing.
Don't you come crying to
me when an orange grove
crops up out of
your belly button.
That ain't going
to happen, Shirl.
And just how do you
know that, Laverne?
Because I read it in a
Reader's Digest article
called "I Am Joe's Stomach."
Thought it was about
something else, but it turned out
to be about pits, I don't know.
Well, I'm very happy to
hear that you're reading
Reader's Digest, as opposed
to those True Smut magazines
you're always looking at.
Those magazines
are about real people
- with real problems, Shirl.
- Uh-uh.
And they happen to be... what
are we talking about this for?
I thought we were worried
about the talent show, huh?
The talent show.
All right, all right, I know,
if we just put our noodles
together we can come
up with something.
Now, let me think.
What about this?
What if we sing
something American?
Yes! Yes, that's it!
Well, we could sing "The
Star Spangled Banner"
but nobody sings that good.
No, no, something else, like...
♪ Oh, beautiful ♪
♪ For spacious skies ♪
We can't just sing, we
got to have some action.
♪ For amber waves of grain ♪
♪ For purple
mountains' majesty ♪
♪ Above the fruited plains ♪
♪ America, America ♪
- Hold, hold... -♪ God shed... ♪
- Stop it! Stop it!
♪ His grace... ♪
Fine, very fine, very fine.
You're having yourself
a leisurely fruit fight
while the talent show
goes gently down the toilet.
- Oh, ho.
- Yeah.
Now, couldn't you
just save this for later,
pelt each other with
oranges a little later on?
We want you to hear how we
made our song more American.
Yeah, we've been working,
we've been working.
- One, two, three, four.
- We been working
♪ If only I'd have
listened to America ♪
♪ They told me this would
happen to the land of the free ♪
Get it?
♪ If only I'd have
listened to America ♪
♪ They told me this
might happen to me... ♪
- No, don't.
- Or sea... ♪
Now, it needs a little bit of
work, it needs a little work.
Hey! I got it, I
got it, I got it!
You got a new act
with your dummies?
Yeah, that's what
I'm going to do.
Great Italian ladies of America.
What?
Yeah, there's a Betsy Rossini
dummy who sews a flag.
Dolly Madisoni, uh,
makes ice cream.
And, a Susan B. Anthony
dummy who leads a parade.
Uh, Pop, uh, I don't
know how to tell you this,
but Susan B.
Anthony is not Italian.
Anthony is not Italian?
Would you just sit down, Pop?
- You scare me when you act like this.
- I don't understand...
Okay, now, everybody,
let's just think, okay?
I hate that stuff.
You know... none of
this would have happened
if I had put all animal
acts into that talent show.
Would you forget about
the animals for a second?
He wants Americans.
Americans... Well,
what are all of us?
- Italian. -Italian.
- Polish.
Yes, we're all that, but we're
Americans too, aren't we?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
I mean, as Americans,
all we have to do
is work like an American team.
That's right, American teamwork.
American know-how.
Americans put
their head together,
and they can come
up with anything.
I mean, all they
have to do is work
like a loving American team.
Why, when America
needed transportation,
what did they do? They
invented the automobile.
When they needed
light, what did they do?
They invented electricity.
So come on,
everybody, we can work
like an American team, and
get this sucker on the road.
Are you with me?
They hate the Irish.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Smokey the Pilgrim.
And now Uncle Sam
wants you to see our tribute
to American history.
So here is Old Man
History and Little Lenny.
Hey! Hey!
Shut up, ladies and
gentlemen, shut up.
Please.
Yeah, this is your
history of your country
we're talking about here.
That's right, and we wrote
it so you's all should be able
to understand it.
All right, uh, start here.
Say, Mr. History, can you
tell me the story of America?
Why, yes, little lad.
And I will right now.
Once...
Once upon a time,
the 13 colonies
got mad at England
and fought a
revolution to be free.
Bernice? Bernice?
♪ We are the revolution ♪
♪ The revolutionaries. ♪
Told you we could work it in.
We killed them.
Well, well...
how did that war
turn out, Mr. History?
- We won, little boy.
- Good.
But then, as it is
apt to, time passed.
Winter, spring.
Summer and fall.
- That it?
- That's it.
Oh.
It passed quickly.
But soon came more strife.
Oh, my.
Yes, the bloody battle
between the states.
The silverware.
Oh, the Civil War.
♪ When Johnny comes
marching home again ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪ -♪ Hoorah ♪
♪ When Johnny comes
marching home again ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪ -♪ Hoorah ♪
♪ Oh, the men will cheer ♪
Yay!
♪ And the boys will shout ♪
Shout!
♪ And the ladies
they will all turn out ♪
♪ And we'll all feel gay when
Johnny comes marching home. ♪
Get up, Shirl,
would you? Get up.
I'm standing on my hoop.
I can't get up.
Well, even though the
women dressed like fools...
time passed.
And then, there was more strife.
Oh, my.
Yes, and this strife
they called World War I.
Yeah, those Americans
couldn't get along with anybody.
Yeah, they were a pesky bunch.
The first war was so good,
we decided to hold another one.
Only this time, we came
up with a new name.
World War Il.
Was it a catchy little war?
I don't know.
Let's go see.
♪ He was a famous trumpet
man from out Chicago way ♪
♪ He had a boogie style
that no one else could play ♪
♪ He was the top
man in his craft ♪
♪ But then his number came up
and he was gone with the draft ♪
♪ He's in the Army
now, a-blowin' reveille ♪
♪ He's the boogie-woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪
♪ In boogie rhythm ♪
♪ He makes the company
jump when he plays reveille ♪
♪ He's the boogie-woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪
Ooh!
And so, time flew.
But wait, Mr. History Man, wait.
No, go-go, keep moving.
- Oh, well you said wait.
- Wait over there.
- Wait over there.
- Oh.
So, Mr. History Man, wait.
There must be more
to the story than that.
Well, let me ask you
something, little boy.
What do you think
was the biggest thing
to happen to this country
since World War Il?
Gee, was it the Korean conflict?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, no way.
Was it maybe, the Cold War?
Not even warm.
Well, was it man's
adventures into space?
You wish.
Well, there's
only one thing left.
The biggest chapter
in American history
since World War Il
is the invention of...
Rock and roll!
♪♪
- ♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪
- ♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll, rock and... ♪
- ♪ It will never die ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll... ♪
- ♪ It was meant to be that way ♪
- ♪ Though I don't know why ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll ♪
- ♪ Ahh... ♪ -♪ I don't
care what people say ♪
♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪
♪ We don't care
what people say ♪
♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪
♪ Rock and roll will always be ♪
♪ I'll dig it to the end ♪
♪ It'll go down in history ♪
♪ Just you watch, my friend ♪
♪ Rock and roll will always be ♪
♪ It'll go down in history ♪
♪ Rock and roll will always be ♪
♪ It'll go down in history ♪
- ♪ Ahh... ♪ -♪ If you
don't like rock and roll ♪
♪ Think what you've
been missing ♪
♪ But if you like
to bop and stroll ♪
♪ Come around and listen ♪
♪ Everybody have a ball ♪
♪ Everybody rock and roll ♪
♪ Everybody rock ♪
♪ Everybody roll ♪
♪ Everybody rock ♪
♪ Everybody roll ♪
♪ Oh, oh, everybody
rock and roll ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
- ♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock,
rock, rock, rock, rock! ♪
We were good.
Girls?
Yes, Mr. Shotz?
Girls, tonight you made
me proud to be an American.
You liked it? He liked it.
I can hear.
Yes, I did.
I guess I drove you
crazy with all my demands
about changing the show, right?
Well, right.
And you weren't very
happy when I went...
Well, no, that's not the
most pleasant sound.
And you probably
want to get even.
- Us?
- Us?
Well, I... Hey, what
are you doing here?
There's a bear up here. Help!
There's a bear up
here. What are you...?!
- Thank you, Milo.
- Thank you, Milo.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Aw, look, look how sad he looks.
Come on, we-we got to let
him audition with this new act.
All right, okay, okay.
- All right, okay.
- Tell him.
So, Mr. DeFazio, Laverne
tells me that you have a new act.
- Is it good?
- No.
But that's the beauty of it.
You don't have to be good
if you've got a gimmick.
Oh, you got that, uh, dummy
that looks just like you, right?
No, I've got the dummy
that looks like you.
- That don't look like me!
- Oh, well,
- no, there is a slight resemblance.
- Where?
Well, around the "L."
- Do not encourage him.
- Well, it is!
Hey, hey, get a load of this.
Hey, Muffin, I want you
home at 10:00 tonight.
Aw, Dad, I don't wanna.
I'm a big girl now.
Pop, I don't talk like that.
Oh, come on. Let him go on.
I find this highly entertaining.
Pshaw.
Is there a cute
doctor I could meet?
Is that a Shirley dummy?
With a Boo Boo Kitty Cat?
I can see it, I can see it.
You know, in all due
respect, Mr. DeFazio,
you cannot do this act.
I thought you said it
was highly entertaining.
Well, not with a dummy
that doesn't look like me at all!
Sure. There could be
one that looks like me.
It's ugly, absolutely ugly.
Hold it, hold it, hold!
Wait a minute, hold it!
The truth now. You hate it.
- No...
- No?
We don't hate it.
How could you say that?
We don't hate it at all.
We, uh...
It's just that we
think it's, uh...
- Too good!
- Too good.
It's much too good,
you'll steal the show.
That's right, I mean, who
would want to follow you?
I mean, all the other acts
would seem like amateurs.
- Y-You really mean this?
- Sure. -Yes.
No kidding?
- I have a wonderful idea.
- What?
A wonderful idea.
Why don't you emcee the
show again this year, huh? Huh?!
Huh? Aren't you better
than Ed Sullivan, huh?
Doesn't the
audience just love it
when you tell them
to shut up, huh?
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, I do that,
uh, I-I do that good.
And I don't want to
be better and outshine
- the other acts in there.
- No.
- So I'll emcee.
- Good.
Okay? And, uh...
We'll see you
tomorrow then, okay?
Plus, when you
got it, you got it.
Oh, oh, oh, Bernice!
That was marvelous!
Oh, thank you, but you
should really thank Milo.
He did the choreography.
Oh, Milo, Milo,
this is even better
- than last year's bunny hop.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
I'm walk... Find
out if he liked it.
So, Mr. Shotz, what did
you think of 'em, huh?
Well, I guess that sort
of sums it up, doesn't it?
Well, what'd he say?
- In a word?
- Yeah.
I don't get it, Shirl.
He hasn't liked one act all day.
Maybe he hates animals.
Hello!
Why do we have to
follow a dancing bear?
Because the bear
refused to follow you.
The bear told you that?
Why is a talking bear
wasting his time dancing?
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Mr. Shotz, you there?
Yes, girls.
Here they are, your
favorite truck drivers,
Lenny and the Squigtones!
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ She said you better
wear your rubbers ♪
♪ Or you're gonna
catch your death ♪
♪ Keep your eye on
what you're eating ♪
♪ And do something
about your breath ♪
♪ Treat a lady like a woman,
treat a woman like a man ♪
♪ But I was only seven,
and I didn't understand ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything would be all right,
everything would be all right ♪
♪ She said you're
running with a crowd ♪
♪ And it's going
to turn you bad ♪
♪ Till you end up
picking pockets ♪
♪ On the corner like your
dad, I told her she was crazy ♪
♪ I was smarter than the fuzz ♪
♪ But 30 days in prison showed
how right my mama was ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Said you'd better
learn a trade ♪
♪ Never make it on your
looks, take a job near a college ♪
♪ Maybe swipe a few books,
but I didn't pay attention ♪
♪ No, I didn't take heed ♪
♪ Now they're
holding up a contract ♪
♪ Asking me to read, if only
I'd have listened to Mama ♪
♪ She told me this would
happen to me sooner or later ♪
♪ If only I'd have
listened to Mama ♪
♪ Everything
would be all right ♪
♪ Everything would be all right,
everything would be all right! ♪
- Very good, that was really great, guys.
- That was great.
Ah, thanks a lot, Laverne.
Uh, so, Mr. Shotz,
what do you think? Huh?
He loved it!
No, Len.
- He liked it?
- No.
Look, why don't you
take the boys in the band
- for some burgers, huh?
- Okay, the burgers are on... them.
Yeah.
Well, what was the
matter with them?
It's... it's not what
I'm looking for.
Well, what are you looking for?
I want something
that says "Shotz."
Well, they could wear
little signs that say "Shotz."
What else have you got?
Uh, just a moment, sir.
- Well, we got Edna and Carmine.
- Yeah, what else?
Or we got Frank O'Malley
doing hand shadows with his feet.
Uh, I don't know, with his toes
they all look like long
rabbits with five ears.
True. We better go with
Edna and Carmine, huh?
Go get 'em,
and, uh, I'll tell...
Uh, Mr. Shotz, here's
something we think you're really
going to enjoy... Edna DeFazio
and Carmine Ragusa doing
the traditional, yet ever-
popular "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
And five, six, seven, eight.
♪♪
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle do or die ♪
♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪
♪ Born on the Fourth of July ♪
♪ I've got a Yankee
Doodle sweetheart ♪
♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle went to London ♪
♪ Just to ride a pony ♪
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle do or die ♪
♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪
♪ Born on the Fourth of July ♪
♪ Got a Yankee
Doodle sweetheart ♪
Sell it, Mom!
♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪
♪ Yankee Doodle ♪
♪ Went to London
just to ride a pony ♪
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm a real live
Yankee Doodle ♪
♪ Made my name
in fame and boodle ♪
♪ I'm the kid gets all the candy
I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪
♪ I'm glad I am,
so's Uncle Sam ♪
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy! ♪
That was great, that was great!
That was wonderful!
Oh, I hope you liked it.
Well, what'd you think, huh?
I loved it.
- You're in the show.
- He loved it!
We're in the show!
We're in the show!
You guys! I love you guys!
Okay, go home,
don't let her catch cold.
That was my mother!
Not to mention my boyfriend.
Now, that's what
Shotz is all about.
- What?
- America.
Well, girls, since you're
in charge of the show,
I want every act to be about
America and Americans.
You read me?
Uh, uh... yes, Mr. Shotz.
However, Laverne and I have been
rehearsing a wonderful
rock and roll number
that you're just going to love.
Allow us to show it to you now.
Come on, Laverne.
And, one, two, three, four!
No.
I told you what I want.
America is the theme.
Yeah, but the talent
show's only two days away.
We can't change our
number, it's impossible.
Then you're out of the show.
Oh, then again, nothing
is impossible in America.
Five, six, seven...
♪ You're a grand old flag ♪
♪ You're a high-flying flag,
and forever in peace... ♪
Boy, how does that Mr.
Expect us to turn every single
solitary act except for Edna
and Carmine into
America in one single day?
Well, we're clever.
Got any bright ideas?
No pits.
Huh?
No pits. Every time you squeeze
orange juice, I always
end up with the pits.
I don't like the
pits, I like the pulp.
Well, you got to take
the pits with the pulp.
That's the way life is.
They're very, very
dangerous for you.
They get into your
stomach, and they cause you
to grow stomach gardens.
- That ain't true.
- Yes, it is.
Nothing happens if
you swallow a pit... look.
- It certainly...
- Look here, I'm eating a pit.
- Oh, oh, oh. Nothing.
- Nothing, nothing.
- I wouldn't do that.
- All right.
- Nothing.
Don't you come crying to
me when an orange grove
crops up out of
your belly button.
That ain't going
to happen, Shirl.
And just how do you
know that, Laverne?
Because I read it in a
Reader's Digest article
called "I Am Joe's Stomach."
Thought it was about
something else, but it turned out
to be about pits, I don't know.
Well, I'm very happy to
hear that you're reading
Reader's Digest, as opposed
to those True Smut magazines
you're always looking at.
Those magazines
are about real people
- with real problems, Shirl.
- Uh-uh.
And they happen to be... what
are we talking about this for?
I thought we were worried
about the talent show, huh?
The talent show.
All right, all right, I know,
if we just put our noodles
together we can come
up with something.
Now, let me think.
What about this?
What if we sing
something American?
Yes! Yes, that's it!
Well, we could sing "The
Star Spangled Banner"
but nobody sings that good.
No, no, something else, like...
♪ Oh, beautiful ♪
♪ For spacious skies ♪
We can't just sing, we
got to have some action.
♪ For amber waves of grain ♪
♪ For purple
mountains' majesty ♪
♪ Above the fruited plains ♪
♪ America, America ♪
- Hold, hold... -♪ God shed... ♪
- Stop it! Stop it!
♪ His grace... ♪
Fine, very fine, very fine.
You're having yourself
a leisurely fruit fight
while the talent show
goes gently down the toilet.
- Oh, ho.
- Yeah.
Now, couldn't you
just save this for later,
pelt each other with
oranges a little later on?
We want you to hear how we
made our song more American.
Yeah, we've been working,
we've been working.
- One, two, three, four.
- We been working
♪ If only I'd have
listened to America ♪
♪ They told me this would
happen to the land of the free ♪
Get it?
♪ If only I'd have
listened to America ♪
♪ They told me this
might happen to me... ♪
- No, don't.
- Or sea... ♪
Now, it needs a little bit of
work, it needs a little work.
Hey! I got it, I
got it, I got it!
You got a new act
with your dummies?
Yeah, that's what
I'm going to do.
Great Italian ladies of America.
What?
Yeah, there's a Betsy Rossini
dummy who sews a flag.
Dolly Madisoni, uh,
makes ice cream.
And, a Susan B. Anthony
dummy who leads a parade.
Uh, Pop, uh, I don't
know how to tell you this,
but Susan B.
Anthony is not Italian.
Anthony is not Italian?
Would you just sit down, Pop?
- You scare me when you act like this.
- I don't understand...
Okay, now, everybody,
let's just think, okay?
I hate that stuff.
You know... none of
this would have happened
if I had put all animal
acts into that talent show.
Would you forget about
the animals for a second?
He wants Americans.
Americans... Well,
what are all of us?
- Italian. -Italian.
- Polish.
Yes, we're all that, but we're
Americans too, aren't we?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
I mean, as Americans,
all we have to do
is work like an American team.
That's right, American teamwork.
American know-how.
Americans put
their head together,
and they can come
up with anything.
I mean, all they
have to do is work
like a loving American team.
Why, when America
needed transportation,
what did they do? They
invented the automobile.
When they needed
light, what did they do?
They invented electricity.
So come on,
everybody, we can work
like an American team, and
get this sucker on the road.
Are you with me?
They hate the Irish.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Smokey the Pilgrim.
And now Uncle Sam
wants you to see our tribute
to American history.
So here is Old Man
History and Little Lenny.
Hey! Hey!
Shut up, ladies and
gentlemen, shut up.
Please.
Yeah, this is your
history of your country
we're talking about here.
That's right, and we wrote
it so you's all should be able
to understand it.
All right, uh, start here.
Say, Mr. History, can you
tell me the story of America?
Why, yes, little lad.
And I will right now.
Once...
Once upon a time,
the 13 colonies
got mad at England
and fought a
revolution to be free.
Bernice? Bernice?
♪ We are the revolution ♪
♪ The revolutionaries. ♪
Told you we could work it in.
We killed them.
Well, well...
how did that war
turn out, Mr. History?
- We won, little boy.
- Good.
But then, as it is
apt to, time passed.
Winter, spring.
Summer and fall.
- That it?
- That's it.
Oh.
It passed quickly.
But soon came more strife.
Oh, my.
Yes, the bloody battle
between the states.
The silverware.
Oh, the Civil War.
♪ When Johnny comes
marching home again ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪ -♪ Hoorah ♪
♪ When Johnny comes
marching home again ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪
- ♪ Hoorah ♪ -♪ Hoorah ♪
♪ Oh, the men will cheer ♪
Yay!
♪ And the boys will shout ♪
Shout!
♪ And the ladies
they will all turn out ♪
♪ And we'll all feel gay when
Johnny comes marching home. ♪
Get up, Shirl,
would you? Get up.
I'm standing on my hoop.
I can't get up.
Well, even though the
women dressed like fools...
time passed.
And then, there was more strife.
Oh, my.
Yes, and this strife
they called World War I.
Yeah, those Americans
couldn't get along with anybody.
Yeah, they were a pesky bunch.
The first war was so good,
we decided to hold another one.
Only this time, we came
up with a new name.
World War Il.
Was it a catchy little war?
I don't know.
Let's go see.
♪ He was a famous trumpet
man from out Chicago way ♪
♪ He had a boogie style
that no one else could play ♪
♪ He was the top
man in his craft ♪
♪ But then his number came up
and he was gone with the draft ♪
♪ He's in the Army
now, a-blowin' reveille ♪
♪ He's the boogie-woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪
♪ In boogie rhythm ♪
♪ He makes the company
jump when he plays reveille ♪
♪ He's the boogie-woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪
Ooh!
And so, time flew.
But wait, Mr. History Man, wait.
No, go-go, keep moving.
- Oh, well you said wait.
- Wait over there.
- Wait over there.
- Oh.
So, Mr. History Man, wait.
There must be more
to the story than that.
Well, let me ask you
something, little boy.
What do you think
was the biggest thing
to happen to this country
since World War Il?
Gee, was it the Korean conflict?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, no way.
Was it maybe, the Cold War?
Not even warm.
Well, was it man's
adventures into space?
You wish.
Well, there's
only one thing left.
The biggest chapter
in American history
since World War Il
is the invention of...
Rock and roll!
♪♪
- ♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪
- ♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll, rock and... ♪
- ♪ It will never die ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll... ♪
- ♪ It was meant to be that way ♪
- ♪ Though I don't know why ♪
- ♪ Rock and roll ♪
- ♪ Ahh... ♪ -♪ I don't
care what people say ♪
♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪
♪ We don't care
what people say ♪
♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪
♪ Rock and roll will always be ♪
♪ I'll dig it to the end ♪
♪ It'll go down in history ♪
♪ Just you watch, my friend ♪
♪ Rock and roll will always be ♪
♪ It'll go down in history ♪
♪ Rock and roll will always be ♪
♪ It'll go down in history ♪
- ♪ Ahh... ♪ -♪ If you
don't like rock and roll ♪
♪ Think what you've
been missing ♪
♪ But if you like
to bop and stroll ♪
♪ Come around and listen ♪
♪ Everybody have a ball ♪
♪ Everybody rock and roll ♪
♪ Everybody rock ♪
♪ Everybody roll ♪
♪ Everybody rock ♪
♪ Everybody roll ♪
♪ Oh, oh, everybody
rock and roll ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
- ♪ Rock, rock, rock ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Rock, rock, rock,
rock, rock, rock, rock! ♪
We were good.
Girls?
Yes, Mr. Shotz?
Girls, tonight you made
me proud to be an American.
You liked it? He liked it.
I can hear.
Yes, I did.
I guess I drove you
crazy with all my demands
about changing the show, right?
Well, right.
And you weren't very
happy when I went...
Well, no, that's not the
most pleasant sound.
And you probably
want to get even.
- Us?
- Us?
Well, I... Hey, what
are you doing here?
There's a bear up here. Help!
There's a bear up
here. What are you...?!
- Thank you, Milo.
- Thank you, Milo.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪