Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 11 - Take Two, They're Small - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
(trumpeting)
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
WOMAN: Excuse us.
You'll have to move.
- What?
- What for?
Well, we're management,
and obviously you're not.
And we get to sit where we want.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There must be some mistake.
See, it's sort of tradition
that we sit at this table
because we have
five years seniority.
Yeah, and there's
five years' worth of gum
right under this
table to prove it.
Let's show them the gum.
- No, no!
- I want to show them the gum.
(talking over each other)
Yeah, but you
can't do that during...
Did I ask you to sit down?
- Should I ask them to get up?
- Just sit down, just sit down.
- Sit down.
- But they just...
We'll share this time;
we'll share this time.
I hold to the old adage,
"Make new friends,
but keep the old,
one is silver, but
the other, gold."
LAVERNE: Aw...
Uh, my name is Shirley Feeney
and this is my best
friend, Laverne DeFazio.
Hi.
I'm Claudette Boylen,
and this is my sister, Jane.
We just started in
the payroll department.
- Oh, payroll.
- Oh...
The payroll department.
Must be nice up there.
Bet you never go home
smelling like beer, huh?
Feeney, DeFazio?
Bottle-cappers.
- That's right.
- That's us.
I always wondered
why they didn't just
get monkeys to do that job.
(Claudette and Jane laughing)
I'll tell you what.
We don't have to
be friends, okay?
Let's just try to
get through lunch
and keep a civil tongue
in our heads, all righty?
Okay? Okay with you?
Okay by me.
Hey, hyena, want
to pass me the salt?
Pass the salt.
She's using it.
- She ain't using no salt, Shirl.
- You don't need the salt anyway.
- She ain't using no...
- You don't need it.
- I got to eat an egg.
- It makes you retain water
and gain weight.
It gets you all
puffy and bloated.
Hello.
Do my eyes deceive me,
or am I gazing at
four beautiful women
sitting here alone?
Just get to the part where
you tell us what you want, okay?
I want to see you
all naked, okay?
(Squiggy laughing)
Made you look, made you look,
made you look.
No, no, no, no, I'll
tell you what I want.
Listen, you ladies can be
the first in a long line of clients
in a new Squiggman and
Kosnowski Computer Dating Service.
Ah, ah, I understand
why you're "ceptable,"
but let me explain.
I'll give you a demonstration.
Lenny, (whistles),
come on out here.
I'll help you, come on.
All right.
Ladies, what is the
most depressing sight
in the whole world?
That.
Exactly right.
For that is the lonely woman.
(high-pitched
voice): I'm so lonely.
SQUIGGY: And then an even
equally more pathetic sight,
the lonely man.
(deep voice): I, too,
am quite lonely, too.
SQUIGGY: Now the
goal of our service,
should we "secede,"
is to take these two
equally disgusting sexes
and merge them as one
for fun and a neat profit.
LENNY: Ooh.
It worked for us.
Oh, Jane, these strange
people are scaring me.
Let's go back and
eat at our desks.
And if anybody needs help
finding men, it's these two.
They've got to be desperate.
(Claudette and Jane laughing)
- (Laverne yelling angrily)
- SQUIGGY: Wait, wait.
- Sha, sha, sha, sha.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Let go of me, let go of me.
- (high-pitched): Help!
(deep voice): Help!
(high-pitched): Help!
(deep voice): Help!
SHIRLEY: Boy, we're
going to have some fun
at that roller rink.
Oh, I can hardly wait to
cut a figure with Carmine.
I love the way he rolls
me around the rink.
Yeah, he's a good roller.
Yes, he is.
Who are you going with?
Somebody.
"Somebody" always means
you're ashamed to tell me who.
Laverne, we found you a date.
LAVERNE: Just kidding.
Didn't I tell you
not to say anything
in front of Shirley, huh?
Well, yes, you did,
but do you know how many
Shirleys there are in Milwaukee?
827.
Sorry, 826.
Old Shirl passed on.
Just tell him to
give it to me already.
Len?
Lenovac.
Lenovac, who have we
selected for Laverne?
LAVERNE: Just do it...
(bell dings, horn
squawks, buzzer sounds)
Give it to me, give it...
W-w-w-w-wait a
minute, wait a minute!
Give me three dollars.
LAVERNE: For Pete sake.
Here you go. Can...
Ah, now, now,
don't give it to me.
Give it to Lenovac.
(Shirley sighs)
Here you go, Len.
- Lenovac.
- (bell dings)
Now don't worry,
my little honey nuts.
Lenovac has selected a friend
of the computer date for you.
- SQUIGGY: Lenovac!
- (crackling, bell dings)
- All right, hold...
- Oh, emergency!
Lenovac is burning up.
- Don't worry, he's grounded.
- Get out. Take him out...
(bell dinging)
I am appalled.
Appalled!
Disgusted might
be a better word.
What? Blind dates are exciting.
They're like surprise packages.
You know, you never know
when a Greek god might pop out.
Greek gods do not go to
Lenny and Squiggy for dates.
Think about it.
Maybe they're new in town.
They could be, they could...
Oh, well, let's see about
your dream date, okay?
Ah!
Your dream date
is Brent Borassi.
Could be Greek.
- (loud gasp)
- What?
- Oh! -What?
- He's a doctor!
- A doctor?!
A podiatrist!
A... a podiatrist!
What is that, ears or eyes?
It's feet.
Feet?
What are we talking about, huh?
I'm going to call him before
my feet get any bigger.
Oh, Laverne, you lucky dog.
Oh, you lucky dog, you get
to go out with a podiatrist.
(knocking on door)
Come in, Carmine.
SHIRLEY: Hi.
Shirl, I just had to
stop by to tell you
what an incredibly
beautiful lady you are.
Oh, why, Carmine, thank you.
How very, very sweet of you.
- You like that, huh?
- Yes.
So are you in a good mood now?
Why do you ask?
Okay, here it is, Shirl.
I can't take you
roller-skating Saturday night
'cause I have to drive
my cousin to Chicago.
(sighs): So...
So, I'm incredibly
beautiful, am I?
Especially when you're
angry. Like right now,
you're more beautiful
than I've ever seen you.
Carmine, Carmine, you
know how I had my heart set
on going
roller-skating with you.
Can't you think about this
and have somebody else
drive your cousin to Chicago?
- I can't, Shirl.
- Then get out.
I knew you'd be
understanding, Shirl.
Thank you. Oh,
you're so beautiful,
you're ravishing, what a lady,
she's a woman,
- what a queen...
- You can stop now, Carmine.
Thanks, Shirl, I was
running out of words anyway.
Now who am I supposed
to go roller-skating with?
Laverne's going
out with a podiatrist.
Oh...
(gasps)
That'll be three bucks.
(buzzer sounds, bell dings)
LAVERNE: Shirl, I'm
making great martinis here.
Okay, it's gin, right?
Before our dates get here,
we have a very important
decision to make.
I know, I know, I know.
Let's see how good
they kiss first, okay?
Boy, you just ride
that rubber raft
right on down to
Filth Town, don't you?
Well, what are
you talking about?
I'm talking about this decision:
Should I wear pumps
and be statuesque,
or my flats and be
comfortable? Hmm?
I don't know, do it again.
Yeah.
Laverne, what? What?
- I don't know...
- (knocking on door)
- Oh, they're here. Oh.
- It's them. It's them.
Put the pumps on.
Put the pumps on.
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
- What, what, what?
- I want to walk to the door with you.
Don't go to the door without me.
- Well, get it on, get it on, get it on.
- Just a second...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute,
- wait a minute, wait a minute.
- What?
Don't be so anxious!
- (panting) All right. Okay.
- Okay.
- We're coming, just a moment.
- Just a moment.
Okay, I don't know about
you, but I'm going to calm down,
- Yeah...
- and I'm going to strike
a rather alluring pose.
You pose so good, Shirl.
(mouthing)
I'm going to get my camera here,
and I'm going to take
a picture of the guys
when they see you
striking your alluring pose.
Oh, good, good,
good. Okay, okay.
- You ready? Okay.
- Okay, tell them to come in.
The door is open, entrez.
Are they in, Shirl?
Are they in?
Are they in? I
can't see nothing.
Are they in? Oh, there they are.
Okay, smile.
Smile.
You know, Shirl,
through this camera,
they look like a couple of...
LAVERNE: Brent,
Lance, shall we sit down?
Sure, sit down.
Make yourselves at home.
(Laverne mouthing)
(Laverne and Shirley
muttering quietly)
Are you girls ready for a little
dinner and some roller-skating?
- Little dinner.
- Please.
Well, you know, uh...
you know, first, uh,
Laverne has prepared some
refreshments in the kitchen.
If you just make yourselves
comfortable, we'll just, uh...
uh, get ready.
Oh, I'll kill Lenny and Squiggy!
Bet you weren't
expecting midgets.
(shrilly): Oh, are you midgets?!
Oh!
No, we're not.
- No?
- You're not?
No, we're little people.
Oh. Right.
They're little people, Shirl.
I think I'm going to get
a stomachache now.
Yeah, I think... I-I think
I have a headache.
LAVERNE: We
better tell them, huh?
I think it's for the best, yes.
(both groaning)
LANCE: Listen, girls.
If you suddenly
get a stomachache
or a headache, we understand.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Oh, no, no, not us. Not us.
No, we're in tip-top shape.
Laverne, fetch the martinis.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Here's to big women.
(clears throat)
I'll drink to that.
Big women.
(knocking on door)
FRANK: Laverne.
It's my pop.
- It's my... it's my pop.
- It's her father.
My pop. What am I going to
do? Would you just hold this
- Well, got to answer...
- for a second?
Would you hold
this for me, Lance?
- Stay there, little shoes.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
- All right, calm...
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?
Just wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
All right, all right,
all right! Shh!
All right. Be calm. Be calm.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Maybe they won't
understand a word he says.
I never do.
Hi, Pop. Edna, hi.
EDNA: Hey.
- (overlapping chatter)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(overlapping chatter)
Oh, oh, fancy to see
you in the neighborhood.
What are you
doing here? (laughs)
Oh, oh, look at you.
- Oh!
- Look at how nice they look.
Frank thinks it
looks attractive.
- Yes, it does. Uh-huh.
- Shirley!
I hear you're going out
with a lawyer tonight.
I'm the lawyer.
Who said that?
I think it came from
over on the couch.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, these are our dates.
Yes, uh... uh...
Is there something
I can help you with?
Uh, he-he's the lawyer.
Hey, Edna, look.
Uh, he's a... a lawyer.
Come here.
See, I was driving my car.
As I got to a corner,
there's a light over there.
You understand? And I'm
waiting for the light to change,
and bada-ba-boom, bang,
whoop, ha, whack, crash, wha!
Woman driver.
Frank, the poor woman was busy
trying to control
a tiny little child.
Well, he was bigger
than, uh, the-the...
the chair or the
table over there.
Hey, it sounds like
a simple case to me.
Here, take my card.
Look at that.
Isn't that nice?
And I'll be in the
office Monday.
And good-bye!
Oh, thanks for coming
by, and good night.
Come on. Thanks for stopping by.
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute.
What?
About your date, uh... Yeah?
Is he, uh... uh, uh, Italian?
Well, half.
Half! That's good.
- Come on, Frank.
- Yeah, it is.
LAVERNE: It's good.
My pop. My new mom.
They're sort of newlywed.
(all chuckling)
- Well...
- (camera shutter clicks)
Well, ready to
go roller-skating?
- Uh...
- Yeah, it's my favorite thing.
- Sure.
- I guess so.
Sure, let me get my skates.
LAVERNE: Let me get mine.
Ow!
What happened?
He goosed me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Where?
On the back of my knee.
Oh, the little dickens.
- Yeah.
- Aw.
(organ music playing)
Thank you. Thank you.
Brent. Brent.
What?
I thought you said skating
was your favorite thing.
It is.
But I didn't say
I was good at it.
Okay, Shirl.
- Well... - Well... Ow!
You did it again,
you little frisky...
Come on, let's go skating, okay?
Hold on. Hold on.
My, you know something?
With your roller skates
on, you're a lot taller.
Well, what do you say?
You want to take a spin
and turn a few heads, huh?
♪♪
BRENT: Hey, this is great!
This is fun!
(playing jaunty tune)
I spent six years in the
conservatory for this?
LANCE AND BRENT: Whoa!
Come on.
Where'd they... where'd they go?
- I don't know. Where?
- Where did they go?
- Hey, guys...
- There! There they are!
- LAVERNE: Hey, come on.
- SHIRLEY: That's it.
- SHIRLEY: Come on!
- Whoa!
LAVERNE: What's the
matter with these two?
- Oh, that's it!
- Come on.
Oh, what fun!
Quite a little adventure, huh?
- Hey, Brent.
- Whew!
Let's go get the girls
some refreshments.
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh.
You going to miss me, baby?
Oh, you.
(all chuckling)
- Bye.
- Yeah.
And some popcorn.
Whew!
Boy, what a swell
couple of guys, huh?
Really. What fun.
Wonder where they
get those tiny ties from.
Probably at a tiny tie shop.
Yeah.
I'm really glad we came, huh?
Me, too.
Let's go home, Shirl.
- Why?
- Just let's go home.
Why?
Over there. Look over
there. Look over there.
Well, Jane, look who's here.
It's Laverne and Shirley,
and they're all alone.
A couple of
wallflowers on wheels.
(both laughing)
We happen not to be alone.
We have dates.
That's right... A couple
of professional men.
- A doctor...
- And a lawyer.
And here they are now.
These are your dates?
(laughing)
You know, you two girls
are getting my Irish up.
Ah, no wonder you're
out with leprechauns.
(laughing)
No, Laverne...
Laverne, ignore them.
- No, no, no.
- We... we're used to this.
It figures the best that these
girls could get was midgets.
(laughing)
No, no, no, no...
She's going to tell them.
You know what I think?
You two are...
I mean, the two
of you, I think...
Shirl, tell them what I think.
Oh, just tell them what I think.
(Shirley clears throat)
You two look at our dates,
and you see a
couple of small men.
Small men. Ha.
Well, I look at you two,
and I see a couple
of small minds.
Real small minds.
These gentlemen are
gentlemen, not midgets.
They happen to be little people.
Real little people.
- (scoffing grunt)
- ORGANIST: Okay, everybody.
Conga!
- Oh, conga!
- Oh!
Turn around.
♪♪
Okay, that's it. I've had it.
- All right...
- Laverne. Laverne.
Let us handle this.
Nobody treats
our dates like this.
Uh, but... yeah,
but now it's our fight.
- No, no.
- That's right. Come on.
- Come on, get up on.
- Stand out of the way.
Come on.
- There you go.
- Stay there. Don't get hurt.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Ah, let's get ready to
beat their butts to Buffalo.
And back.
- Whip me, Laverne!
- What are those guys doing, Jane?
- JANE: They're following us.
- CLAUDETTE: Oh!
Hey, great legs, huh?
Long.
Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ow! Ooh!
And you wanted to
go to the circus tonight
and see your cousin, Harry.
(screaming, groaning)
Gee, this is almost as violent
as the Cooperman wedding.
- Faster.
- I'm trying.
I can't stop, Laverne!
Gee, I love a good fight.
LAVERNE: Whip me, Shirl.
SHIRLEY: Okay.
(screaming)
(banging)
Would you hurry up!
CLAUDETTE: Oh, keep moving!
Aha.
Ah, come here, ladies.
- Now let's get Feeney.
- Come on, right here.
Come on.
(organ plays fanfare, cheering)
(overlapping chatter)
Come on.
Oh, there we go.
(mimicking Jane's and
Claudette's laughter)
♪ Are ♪
♪ 'Cause I wear a silly grin ♪
♪ Well, your chances are ♪
♪ Your chances are ♪
♪ Awfully good... ♪
See, uh, what I was saying?
My feet are too
big or something.
Laverne, your feet aren't big.
It's just my hands are small.
Yeah?
Let me see.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Boy, what a relief.
(song ends)
Thank you.
Oh, this has been
a wonderful evening.
Yeah, a night like this
makes a guy feel five feet tall.
Yeah.
Hey, let's get together and
do it again sometime, okay?
Yeah, you are a
couple of terrific guys.
We know it.
You know it?
Get up here.
Well, you know, I'd
like to see more of you.
I'd like to see a
lot more of you.
Ow!
You little frisky, you.
Well, uh, guess
we better get going.
- Yeah, I guess we better.
- Yeah.
- Well... well...
- Well... -Well...
Good-bye.
Bye! See you later.
Thanks!
- Bye.
- Bye.
Remember to call us.
I got to write this
down in my diary,
because nobody
is going to believe it.
Shirl, we got pictures.
Let's get them enlarged.
We've got to.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
(trumpeting)
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
WOMAN: Excuse us.
You'll have to move.
- What?
- What for?
Well, we're management,
and obviously you're not.
And we get to sit where we want.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There must be some mistake.
See, it's sort of tradition
that we sit at this table
because we have
five years seniority.
Yeah, and there's
five years' worth of gum
right under this
table to prove it.
Let's show them the gum.
- No, no!
- I want to show them the gum.
(talking over each other)
Yeah, but you
can't do that during...
Did I ask you to sit down?
- Should I ask them to get up?
- Just sit down, just sit down.
- Sit down.
- But they just...
We'll share this time;
we'll share this time.
I hold to the old adage,
"Make new friends,
but keep the old,
one is silver, but
the other, gold."
LAVERNE: Aw...
Uh, my name is Shirley Feeney
and this is my best
friend, Laverne DeFazio.
Hi.
I'm Claudette Boylen,
and this is my sister, Jane.
We just started in
the payroll department.
- Oh, payroll.
- Oh...
The payroll department.
Must be nice up there.
Bet you never go home
smelling like beer, huh?
Feeney, DeFazio?
Bottle-cappers.
- That's right.
- That's us.
I always wondered
why they didn't just
get monkeys to do that job.
(Claudette and Jane laughing)
I'll tell you what.
We don't have to
be friends, okay?
Let's just try to
get through lunch
and keep a civil tongue
in our heads, all righty?
Okay? Okay with you?
Okay by me.
Hey, hyena, want
to pass me the salt?
Pass the salt.
She's using it.
- She ain't using no salt, Shirl.
- You don't need the salt anyway.
- She ain't using no...
- You don't need it.
- I got to eat an egg.
- It makes you retain water
and gain weight.
It gets you all
puffy and bloated.
Hello.
Do my eyes deceive me,
or am I gazing at
four beautiful women
sitting here alone?
Just get to the part where
you tell us what you want, okay?
I want to see you
all naked, okay?
(Squiggy laughing)
Made you look, made you look,
made you look.
No, no, no, no, I'll
tell you what I want.
Listen, you ladies can be
the first in a long line of clients
in a new Squiggman and
Kosnowski Computer Dating Service.
Ah, ah, I understand
why you're "ceptable,"
but let me explain.
I'll give you a demonstration.
Lenny, (whistles),
come on out here.
I'll help you, come on.
All right.
Ladies, what is the
most depressing sight
in the whole world?
That.
Exactly right.
For that is the lonely woman.
(high-pitched
voice): I'm so lonely.
SQUIGGY: And then an even
equally more pathetic sight,
the lonely man.
(deep voice): I, too,
am quite lonely, too.
SQUIGGY: Now the
goal of our service,
should we "secede,"
is to take these two
equally disgusting sexes
and merge them as one
for fun and a neat profit.
LENNY: Ooh.
It worked for us.
Oh, Jane, these strange
people are scaring me.
Let's go back and
eat at our desks.
And if anybody needs help
finding men, it's these two.
They've got to be desperate.
(Claudette and Jane laughing)
- (Laverne yelling angrily)
- SQUIGGY: Wait, wait.
- Sha, sha, sha, sha.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Let go of me, let go of me.
- (high-pitched): Help!
(deep voice): Help!
(high-pitched): Help!
(deep voice): Help!
SHIRLEY: Boy, we're
going to have some fun
at that roller rink.
Oh, I can hardly wait to
cut a figure with Carmine.
I love the way he rolls
me around the rink.
Yeah, he's a good roller.
Yes, he is.
Who are you going with?
Somebody.
"Somebody" always means
you're ashamed to tell me who.
Laverne, we found you a date.
LAVERNE: Just kidding.
Didn't I tell you
not to say anything
in front of Shirley, huh?
Well, yes, you did,
but do you know how many
Shirleys there are in Milwaukee?
827.
Sorry, 826.
Old Shirl passed on.
Just tell him to
give it to me already.
Len?
Lenovac.
Lenovac, who have we
selected for Laverne?
LAVERNE: Just do it...
(bell dings, horn
squawks, buzzer sounds)
Give it to me, give it...
W-w-w-w-wait a
minute, wait a minute!
Give me three dollars.
LAVERNE: For Pete sake.
Here you go. Can...
Ah, now, now,
don't give it to me.
Give it to Lenovac.
(Shirley sighs)
Here you go, Len.
- Lenovac.
- (bell dings)
Now don't worry,
my little honey nuts.
Lenovac has selected a friend
of the computer date for you.
- SQUIGGY: Lenovac!
- (crackling, bell dings)
- All right, hold...
- Oh, emergency!
Lenovac is burning up.
- Don't worry, he's grounded.
- Get out. Take him out...
(bell dinging)
I am appalled.
Appalled!
Disgusted might
be a better word.
What? Blind dates are exciting.
They're like surprise packages.
You know, you never know
when a Greek god might pop out.
Greek gods do not go to
Lenny and Squiggy for dates.
Think about it.
Maybe they're new in town.
They could be, they could...
Oh, well, let's see about
your dream date, okay?
Ah!
Your dream date
is Brent Borassi.
Could be Greek.
- (loud gasp)
- What?
- Oh! -What?
- He's a doctor!
- A doctor?!
A podiatrist!
A... a podiatrist!
What is that, ears or eyes?
It's feet.
Feet?
What are we talking about, huh?
I'm going to call him before
my feet get any bigger.
Oh, Laverne, you lucky dog.
Oh, you lucky dog, you get
to go out with a podiatrist.
(knocking on door)
Come in, Carmine.
SHIRLEY: Hi.
Shirl, I just had to
stop by to tell you
what an incredibly
beautiful lady you are.
Oh, why, Carmine, thank you.
How very, very sweet of you.
- You like that, huh?
- Yes.
So are you in a good mood now?
Why do you ask?
Okay, here it is, Shirl.
I can't take you
roller-skating Saturday night
'cause I have to drive
my cousin to Chicago.
(sighs): So...
So, I'm incredibly
beautiful, am I?
Especially when you're
angry. Like right now,
you're more beautiful
than I've ever seen you.
Carmine, Carmine, you
know how I had my heart set
on going
roller-skating with you.
Can't you think about this
and have somebody else
drive your cousin to Chicago?
- I can't, Shirl.
- Then get out.
I knew you'd be
understanding, Shirl.
Thank you. Oh,
you're so beautiful,
you're ravishing, what a lady,
she's a woman,
- what a queen...
- You can stop now, Carmine.
Thanks, Shirl, I was
running out of words anyway.
Now who am I supposed
to go roller-skating with?
Laverne's going
out with a podiatrist.
Oh...
(gasps)
That'll be three bucks.
(buzzer sounds, bell dings)
LAVERNE: Shirl, I'm
making great martinis here.
Okay, it's gin, right?
Before our dates get here,
we have a very important
decision to make.
I know, I know, I know.
Let's see how good
they kiss first, okay?
Boy, you just ride
that rubber raft
right on down to
Filth Town, don't you?
Well, what are
you talking about?
I'm talking about this decision:
Should I wear pumps
and be statuesque,
or my flats and be
comfortable? Hmm?
I don't know, do it again.
Yeah.
Laverne, what? What?
- I don't know...
- (knocking on door)
- Oh, they're here. Oh.
- It's them. It's them.
Put the pumps on.
Put the pumps on.
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
- What, what, what?
- I want to walk to the door with you.
Don't go to the door without me.
- Well, get it on, get it on, get it on.
- Just a second...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute,
- wait a minute, wait a minute.
- What?
Don't be so anxious!
- (panting) All right. Okay.
- Okay.
- We're coming, just a moment.
- Just a moment.
Okay, I don't know about
you, but I'm going to calm down,
- Yeah...
- and I'm going to strike
a rather alluring pose.
You pose so good, Shirl.
(mouthing)
I'm going to get my camera here,
and I'm going to take
a picture of the guys
when they see you
striking your alluring pose.
Oh, good, good,
good. Okay, okay.
- You ready? Okay.
- Okay, tell them to come in.
The door is open, entrez.
Are they in, Shirl?
Are they in?
Are they in? I
can't see nothing.
Are they in? Oh, there they are.
Okay, smile.
Smile.
You know, Shirl,
through this camera,
they look like a couple of...
LAVERNE: Brent,
Lance, shall we sit down?
Sure, sit down.
Make yourselves at home.
(Laverne mouthing)
(Laverne and Shirley
muttering quietly)
Are you girls ready for a little
dinner and some roller-skating?
- Little dinner.
- Please.
Well, you know, uh...
you know, first, uh,
Laverne has prepared some
refreshments in the kitchen.
If you just make yourselves
comfortable, we'll just, uh...
uh, get ready.
Oh, I'll kill Lenny and Squiggy!
Bet you weren't
expecting midgets.
(shrilly): Oh, are you midgets?!
Oh!
No, we're not.
- No?
- You're not?
No, we're little people.
Oh. Right.
They're little people, Shirl.
I think I'm going to get
a stomachache now.
Yeah, I think... I-I think
I have a headache.
LAVERNE: We
better tell them, huh?
I think it's for the best, yes.
(both groaning)
LANCE: Listen, girls.
If you suddenly
get a stomachache
or a headache, we understand.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Oh, no, no, not us. Not us.
No, we're in tip-top shape.
Laverne, fetch the martinis.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Here's to big women.
(clears throat)
I'll drink to that.
Big women.
(knocking on door)
FRANK: Laverne.
It's my pop.
- It's my... it's my pop.
- It's her father.
My pop. What am I going to
do? Would you just hold this
- Well, got to answer...
- for a second?
Would you hold
this for me, Lance?
- Stay there, little shoes.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
- All right, calm...
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?
Just wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
All right, all right,
all right! Shh!
All right. Be calm. Be calm.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Maybe they won't
understand a word he says.
I never do.
Hi, Pop. Edna, hi.
EDNA: Hey.
- (overlapping chatter)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(overlapping chatter)
Oh, oh, fancy to see
you in the neighborhood.
What are you
doing here? (laughs)
Oh, oh, look at you.
- Oh!
- Look at how nice they look.
Frank thinks it
looks attractive.
- Yes, it does. Uh-huh.
- Shirley!
I hear you're going out
with a lawyer tonight.
I'm the lawyer.
Who said that?
I think it came from
over on the couch.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, these are our dates.
Yes, uh... uh...
Is there something
I can help you with?
Uh, he-he's the lawyer.
Hey, Edna, look.
Uh, he's a... a lawyer.
Come here.
See, I was driving my car.
As I got to a corner,
there's a light over there.
You understand? And I'm
waiting for the light to change,
and bada-ba-boom, bang,
whoop, ha, whack, crash, wha!
Woman driver.
Frank, the poor woman was busy
trying to control
a tiny little child.
Well, he was bigger
than, uh, the-the...
the chair or the
table over there.
Hey, it sounds like
a simple case to me.
Here, take my card.
Look at that.
Isn't that nice?
And I'll be in the
office Monday.
And good-bye!
Oh, thanks for coming
by, and good night.
Come on. Thanks for stopping by.
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute.
What?
About your date, uh... Yeah?
Is he, uh... uh, uh, Italian?
Well, half.
Half! That's good.
- Come on, Frank.
- Yeah, it is.
LAVERNE: It's good.
My pop. My new mom.
They're sort of newlywed.
(all chuckling)
- Well...
- (camera shutter clicks)
Well, ready to
go roller-skating?
- Uh...
- Yeah, it's my favorite thing.
- Sure.
- I guess so.
Sure, let me get my skates.
LAVERNE: Let me get mine.
Ow!
What happened?
He goosed me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Where?
On the back of my knee.
Oh, the little dickens.
- Yeah.
- Aw.
(organ music playing)
Thank you. Thank you.
Brent. Brent.
What?
I thought you said skating
was your favorite thing.
It is.
But I didn't say
I was good at it.
Okay, Shirl.
- Well... - Well... Ow!
You did it again,
you little frisky...
Come on, let's go skating, okay?
Hold on. Hold on.
My, you know something?
With your roller skates
on, you're a lot taller.
Well, what do you say?
You want to take a spin
and turn a few heads, huh?
♪♪
BRENT: Hey, this is great!
This is fun!
(playing jaunty tune)
I spent six years in the
conservatory for this?
LANCE AND BRENT: Whoa!
Come on.
Where'd they... where'd they go?
- I don't know. Where?
- Where did they go?
- Hey, guys...
- There! There they are!
- LAVERNE: Hey, come on.
- SHIRLEY: That's it.
- SHIRLEY: Come on!
- Whoa!
LAVERNE: What's the
matter with these two?
- Oh, that's it!
- Come on.
Oh, what fun!
Quite a little adventure, huh?
- Hey, Brent.
- Whew!
Let's go get the girls
some refreshments.
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh.
You going to miss me, baby?
Oh, you.
(all chuckling)
- Bye.
- Yeah.
And some popcorn.
Whew!
Boy, what a swell
couple of guys, huh?
Really. What fun.
Wonder where they
get those tiny ties from.
Probably at a tiny tie shop.
Yeah.
I'm really glad we came, huh?
Me, too.
Let's go home, Shirl.
- Why?
- Just let's go home.
Why?
Over there. Look over
there. Look over there.
Well, Jane, look who's here.
It's Laverne and Shirley,
and they're all alone.
A couple of
wallflowers on wheels.
(both laughing)
We happen not to be alone.
We have dates.
That's right... A couple
of professional men.
- A doctor...
- And a lawyer.
And here they are now.
These are your dates?
(laughing)
You know, you two girls
are getting my Irish up.
Ah, no wonder you're
out with leprechauns.
(laughing)
No, Laverne...
Laverne, ignore them.
- No, no, no.
- We... we're used to this.
It figures the best that these
girls could get was midgets.
(laughing)
No, no, no, no...
She's going to tell them.
You know what I think?
You two are...
I mean, the two
of you, I think...
Shirl, tell them what I think.
Oh, just tell them what I think.
(Shirley clears throat)
You two look at our dates,
and you see a
couple of small men.
Small men. Ha.
Well, I look at you two,
and I see a couple
of small minds.
Real small minds.
These gentlemen are
gentlemen, not midgets.
They happen to be little people.
Real little people.
- (scoffing grunt)
- ORGANIST: Okay, everybody.
Conga!
- Oh, conga!
- Oh!
Turn around.
♪♪
Okay, that's it. I've had it.
- All right...
- Laverne. Laverne.
Let us handle this.
Nobody treats
our dates like this.
Uh, but... yeah,
but now it's our fight.
- No, no.
- That's right. Come on.
- Come on, get up on.
- Stand out of the way.
Come on.
- There you go.
- Stay there. Don't get hurt.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Ah, let's get ready to
beat their butts to Buffalo.
And back.
- Whip me, Laverne!
- What are those guys doing, Jane?
- JANE: They're following us.
- CLAUDETTE: Oh!
Hey, great legs, huh?
Long.
Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ow! Ooh!
And you wanted to
go to the circus tonight
and see your cousin, Harry.
(screaming, groaning)
Gee, this is almost as violent
as the Cooperman wedding.
- Faster.
- I'm trying.
I can't stop, Laverne!
Gee, I love a good fight.
LAVERNE: Whip me, Shirl.
SHIRLEY: Okay.
(screaming)
(banging)
Would you hurry up!
CLAUDETTE: Oh, keep moving!
Aha.
Ah, come here, ladies.
- Now let's get Feeney.
- Come on, right here.
Come on.
(organ plays fanfare, cheering)
(overlapping chatter)
Come on.
Oh, there we go.
(mimicking Jane's and
Claudette's laughter)
♪ Are ♪
♪ 'Cause I wear a silly grin ♪
♪ Well, your chances are ♪
♪ Your chances are ♪
♪ Awfully good... ♪
See, uh, what I was saying?
My feet are too
big or something.
Laverne, your feet aren't big.
It's just my hands are small.
Yeah?
Let me see.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Boy, what a relief.
(song ends)
Thank you.
Oh, this has been
a wonderful evening.
Yeah, a night like this
makes a guy feel five feet tall.
Yeah.
Hey, let's get together and
do it again sometime, okay?
Yeah, you are a
couple of terrific guys.
We know it.
You know it?
Get up here.
Well, you know, I'd
like to see more of you.
I'd like to see a
lot more of you.
Ow!
You little frisky, you.
Well, uh, guess
we better get going.
- Yeah, I guess we better.
- Yeah.
- Well... well...
- Well... -Well...
Good-bye.
Bye! See you later.
Thanks!
- Bye.
- Bye.
Remember to call us.
I got to write this
down in my diary,
because nobody
is going to believe it.
Shirl, we got pictures.
Let's get them enlarged.
We've got to.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪