Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 9 - A Visit to the Cemetery - full transcript

Frank and Laverne are fighting,due to her refusal to visit the cemetery,to honor her late mother on her birthday. It's later discovered her reasons for not attending,go emotionally deeper than just not liking cemeteries.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Ladies and gentlemen,

the victims of this magic
trick are securely tied together.

To release them, I present the
world's greatest escape artist,

the king of bondage,
the Great Squidini!

Hello.

My subjects are
fastened to each other,

aren't they, as
any fool can see?

Check.

Now I shall free you
from your shackles

with the, uh, cloak of
mystery, courtesy of my bed.

All right, begin.

♪ Well, it's one for the money ♪

♪ Two for the show ♪

♪ Three to get ready ♪

♪ Now, go, cat, go. ♪

Hey, he made her disappear.

Are we out yet?

That really, that really should
have worked, you know?

It should have worked

because, uh, I, I put
a granny over here.

I put a granny over here...

Don't worry about it, calm down!

Oh, Laverne, it's okay,
you'll be in the act.

I'll saw your legs
off in the finale.

Stop it.

Laverne.

Laverne, are you upset
or is nature calling?

I think that's nature calling.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Hello.

Stop it, please. Force of habit.

Hello... hi, Mr. DeFazio.

Yeah, just a minute.

Laverne, it's your father!

He wants to talk to
you on the phone!

Well, tell him I ain't here!

I don't want to
talk to him... ever!

She says she ain't here,

she don't want
to talk to him ever!

Oh, no, you don't!

I am not going to
lie for you again!

She can't come to
the phone right now.

She's outside rotating
the tires on the car.

Liar. Liar, liar, liar, liar.

Shut up. Will you
shut up, please?

Yes, as soon as she comes
in, I'll have her call you.

Okay.

All right, bye-bye.

All right, you can come out
now, Laverne, the coast is clear.

Listen to me.

I don't think that he
believed the thing

about rotating the tires,

I mean, that is the
fifth time this month

we have rotated
the tires on the car.

Get rid of them.

Are you still here?

Don't sneak up on me like that.

Of course I'm still here.

Where am I going to go?

Would you please leave?

I would love to please leave,

but I can't remember
the magic words.

Get out!

Those are the magic words.

This woman is gifted.

All right, you heard
her, Great Squidini, out.

Get out, go on.

Yeah, you know,

actually, this isn't
bad practice for us.

Now we know exactly what to do

when an audience says "get out."

Get out.

You too, Carmine.

Me?

You're kicking me out?

Go on, go on.

Come back a little later, okay?

Okay, but I'm taking the rope.

Okay.

Easy, girl, easy does it.

Those things aren't
going to help you any.

Come on.

Laverne, every time
you and your father

get in an argument, I
end up in the middle.

I mean, I have to lie for you,

I have to take his phone
calls at 4:00 in the morning

when he calls up,
screaming Italian curses.

You know?

Well, not this time.

This time, we're going
to settle it right now.

Come on, let's go down
to the Pizza Bowl... Ow!

Let's talk to your father,

and you can just settle this
argument right now, come on.

Well, this is different,
Shirl, this is a big problem.

No, there is no problem

that two people can't sit
down calmly and discuss.

Well, I ain't going.
Get out of here!

I'm a born leader.

Go on.

Go on, right now, come
on, come on, let's go, let's go.

There he is,
there's your father.

Now go right over
there and make up.

You can push a horse to water,

but you don't have to drink it.

Start drinking right...

Oh, no, you don't,
oh, no, you don't.

Well, maybe I had to go.

Get over there, get
over there right now.

Here we go, sit down, sit.

Sit down!

Looks like yours was
as tough as mine was.

Yes, but it was well worth it.

Here we are, the family DeFazio.

Quite a happy picture, huh?

I want to see happy.

That's a little better.

Laverne, you're not talking now.

Talk, come on, Laverne.

Laverne, how are you going
to make this up unless you talk?

You got to talk to him.

I mean, you got
to just get in there

and say, "Pop, you
know, I'm sorry"...

Hello.

Same to you.

Right now.

Frank, that was a very
touching little speech.

Now, don't you have
something more you want to say?

Huh?

I'm sorry I yelled at you today.

I'm sorry I didn't answer
the phone when you called.

I knew it! I knew when
I called, you was there!

I'm going to keep you like this

until your eyes water, okay?

Frank...

Sorry.

Okay, now that that's
out of the way, let's hug

and promise that we're
never going to fight again.

All right?

Want to make up?

Sure, I didn't want to
fight in the first place.

Neither did I.

Good, good, now hug.

Come on! Come on, come on.

One, two, three, hug.

No, I don't want to fight.

Hey, I don't want to
fight either... Okay.

And if you want to yell
at someone, yell at Edna.

All right, no more fighting.

So you'll come with me Sunday?

No, I'm not going to
come with you Sunday.

Why not?

'Cause I don't want to come.

Why don't you want to
come with me Sunday?!

I'm not going with you Sunday.

All I'm asking
is one little thing!

I'm not going.

You don't want to come?

No.

Then get out of here.

Go home, stay there.

Don't come back here.

I never want to
see you again. Ever.

All right.

Then I'll be an orphan.

All right, then, be an orphan!

Frank, what happened here?

That is no way to
make up with somebody.

How can you kick your
own daughter out of your life?

All these years, I've been
asking her to do one thing.

One little thing!

How would you like
to have a daughter

who will never visit
her own mother's grave?

Huh?

Listen, you can
still talk about it.

If it makes you happy,
you can still yell about it.

Well, what's the matter?

Haven't any of you

seen a family fall
apart before, huh?

Excuse me, excuse me.

Laverne! Laverne!

I followed you home
from the Pizza Bowl.

Well, I've been
here ten minutes.

You took the car.

Look, Laverne, I know why

you and your father
are arguing, okay?

Oh, great, now the
whole world knows.

No, not the whole world.

Just me and Edna and the
customers at the Pizza Bowl

and a few people
out on the street.

Your father is not a
quiet man, you know.

Oh, yeah, that's just terrific.

Now everybody thinks
I'm a terrible person

just 'cause I won't go
see my mother's grave.

Oh, no, everybody doesn't
think you're a terrible person.

Just Edna and the
customers at the Pizza Bowl.

The people out on the street
didn't want to get involved.

What about you?

If you were me, would
you go to the cemetery?

Yes, I would, and I'll
tell you why, Laverne.

Aw, who asked you?

You asked me.

Laverne.

I don't understand it anyway.

Why don't you want to
go to the cemetery, huh?

What is it?

Cemetery is a creepy place.

Everybody there is dead.

I won't go.

Well, some people
go to the cemetery

to visit their mothers'
graves, you know.

Yeah, well, some
people's mothers didn't die.

Some people's mothers
stuck around and did things.

Like what, for instance, huh?

I don't know.

Well, some people's mothers
taught them the facts of life,

just like you learned
from your mother.

No, you taught
me the facts of life.

Well, I had to learn them
from Tony Pacony in study hall.

Filthy Tony Pacony?

You learned the facts of life

from disgusting,
filthy Tony Pacony?

Why would you
even talk to that boy?

It was an interesting subject.

He wasn't that disgusting.

He wore underwear on his head.

Oh, yeah.

Well... that's
what I mean, Shirl,

I mean all that kind of stuff.

Do you know that I had to,

to learn all that woman
stuff all by myself?

Do you think it's easy
trying to figure out

how far up to shave your legs?

If I had a mother,

I wouldn't have had bangs
growing on my knees.

Well, my mother wouldn't even

let me shave my legs.

I mean, if you will recall,

I was the only one wearing knee
socks at the homecoming dance.

Come on, you used to tell
me all those great stories

about all the fun you and
your mother had together.

Come on, Laverne, come on.

I'll bet when your
mother was alive,

you had good times together.

Yeah, we had some great times.

We used to play this game

to see who could make
each other laugh the fastest

and I always won.

All I had to do
was go like this.

And then she died.

You know what I think?

I think you ought to
wait a couple of weeks,

and then when things cool down,

you ought to
talk to your father.

I ain't got a couple of weeks.

He wants me to
go with him Sunday.

It's her birthday.

She would have
been 50 years old.

Well, gee, Laverne,
then you really should go.

No, you really should.

It'd make him feel so good and
you'd probably feel good, too.

No, no, I can't do it.

Don't tell me what
to do, Shirl. Laverne,

I'm not telling you what to do.

Yeah, you are...
I'm just telling you...

Don't tell me what to do!

You have a mother.

You don't understand.

Nobody does.

Who is it?

Me, Laverne.

What do you want, Len?

Got something for you.

What?

What are you, crazy?

You came to shoot
me with flowers?

Yeah.

It's out of Squiggy's magic act.

I would have
brought you the rabbit,

but he gets cranky when
we cram him into the gun.

Well, it's, it's a
real nice thought.

I'll put them in water.

Um... Shirley
mentioned something

about you having a little, uh...

domestic problem.

Oh, great, now she's
blabbing all over the building.

No, no, she just
blabbed it all over me.

Laverne, I think
maybe she thought

that I might possibly
know how you felt, perhaps.

Uh, well, look, Len,

I-I don't mean to
insult you or anything,

but if Shirley couldn't
help me out with this,

I really don't see how you can.

So, uh... What am I doing?

Yeah.

Thanks, but no thanks,

so why don't you leave now
okay? Hold on, listen, Laverne,

now, I am not as stupid
as people think I am.

Uh, just 'cause I
happen to fall off the roof

once or twice a month, uh...

there are some things I
do understand about, see?

Yeah, but, uh, this
ain't one of them.

So why don't... Wait,
no, Laverne, wait a sec,

now hold it, now
just sit down, please.

Just sit down.
Okay, I'm sitting.

You see, I do understand.

On account of I...

I personally don't
have a mother either.

On account of she ran
out on me when I was five.

Yeah, I know about that Len,

and that was a real tough break.

But I really... Got
a picture here,

it's kind of a baby picture
of me, me and my Mom.

That's me on the left.

That's her with the
pearls there. Yeah, I see.

She's trying to force your head

through the bars of
your playpen. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, we used to play...

Anyway, it was my
fifth birthday, you know,

and, uh, I was sitting
there in front of my cake

waiting for my Mom to get home

from the store
with the candles...

she never came back.

What did you do?

I ate the cake.

I had no choice, Laverne.

Anyway that's when
we stopped appearing

in pictures together.

Yeah, well...

I'm really touched by
your little story here,

but I'd like to... Now,
hold on a second,

hold on, wait
Laverne, there's more.

Uh, what I'm trying
to say is, um...

that I hated my Mom
for running out on me.

I really did, I
hated her for years.

Kind of like you hate your
mother right now, Laverne.

Shut up! I don't hate my mother!

Guess maybe it's
me you hate then.

Gee, Len, I'm sorry.

It's okay. I didn't
mean to hit you,

I don't hate you.

Gee, the only
person I hate is me.

Oh, gee whiz.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to hit you.

I didn't... Hey listen,

I think I know how
you feel, Laverne.

Yeah, I do,
really. Really, I do,

'cause, see, I hated
myself most of all, too.

I figured I had to
be some real loser

for my own mother to desert me.

Ain't it sort of the
same with you Laverne?

Kinda?

Don't you sort of feel

that maybe your mother
wouldn't have died

if you had been a better person?

You know, Len,

for a guy who keeps
falling off the roof,

you've got some
pretty good smarts.

Nah.

Yeah?

Your face is leaking
all over everything.

Here, spit.

Girls can't spit.

You know...

you know, you don't have
to go down to the cemetery.

No, that, that don't mean
that you don't still love her.

I know that, Len.

I don't even have
a cemetery to go to.

Sometimes I go
down to the bus stop

and get a little misty.

I'll take my leavings
now, okay, Laverne?

Hey, Len?

Come here.

Ehh.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Don't giggle, Len.

Okay.

Take care of yourself.

Watch the table.

Bye-bye.

See you later, okay?

Keep off the roof.

You want to hear something?

I was just appointed
official pizza maker for...

all the Little Leagues.

Isn't that wonderful?

I-I, business is real
good, I got no complaints.

One thing.

I miss you.

Josephine, I, I got to
talk to you about Laverne.

I mean, she's doing good.
Oh, you'd be real proud of her.

She's busy,

that's why she couldn't
come down for your birthday.

She asked me to
say hello for her.

So... she says
hello, honey, that's it.

Pop...

Oh... Surprise
Josephine! She came!

Oh.

I didn't want to miss
the birthday party.

How do I look?

Oh, you look so beautiful.

I never seen anybody look
more beautiful than you.

Oh, you made me
the happiest father

in the whole world.

Listen...

I'm going to leave
you alone, okay?

'Cause you've got a
lot of catching up to do.

Right?

Bye, Josephine.

Mrs. Rossini, huh? My daughter.

Huh?

Hello, Mama, it's me, Laverne.

You got a nice view here.

Probably don't even
recognize me, I grew.

Remember that little freckle I
used to have you know where?

Disappeared.

Turned up in a much worse spot.

Oh, I bought you something.

A plant for your birthday.

I'll put it up there; I
hope no one steals it.

Shirley, uh, grew that
from a little seedling.

Oh, you don't know her.

She's my roommate,
she's out in the car.

Boy, would you like her.

She's, uh, cute, and smart,

with a dimple and, uh...

she makes a bed
with hospital corners,

just like you used to.

Aw, gee, Mom,

there's so many
things I'd like to ask you.

If you could only talk to me.

Laverne...

Laverne... Don't
ever do that to me!

Oh, don't do it to me!

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to interrupt you,

I just wanted to see how
you were getting along.

Looks like things
are going, okay, huh?

Yeah, they're fine.

Good, good, good.

Well, aren't you
going to introduce...

Uh, Ma, this is Shirley,
the one I told you about.

Hello...

Hi, Mrs. DeFazio,

it really is a
pleasure to meet you,

I've heard so much about you.

Is this some girl
you've got here?

Is this some girl?

Has she grown up
to be quite a lady?

Yes, she has.

Sure, she is a little
boy crazy, but...

Ow!

All right, all right.

I'll wait for you in the car.

I'll see you later.
Bye, Laverne.

Bye, Mrs. DeFazio.

Bye, everybody.

Bye.

I got to go now,
Mama, but don't worry...

I'll be back.

I'm not mad at you no more.

I grew up.

It's real nice being
with you, again.

I love you, Mama.

Oh, Mama, there's, uh,
something else I forgot to give you.

Thought you could
use a good laugh.

So, what do you want to watch?

How about Walt Disney?

Uh...

that's about the raccoon
that went to Congress.

Raccoon that went to Congress?

That sounds interesting.

I think I'm going to go
do my nails, huh? Yeah.

I'll get the stuff
to do my nails

only I'm going to watch the
raccoon that went to Congress.

Yes, that's right,

it's the triumphant return

of the Great Squidini.

Oh, please.

Thank you. Please be seated.

Thank you.

For my next trick,

I will attempt to escape from
this soon to be locked trunk.

Without the aid of any wires...

mirrors... or any
magic whatsoever.

My, uh, lovely assistant, Lenny,

will escort me to
my lovely trunk.

Get in there.

Please, don't push,
I'm not a acrobat.

I'll do it blindfolded.

I hope you punched
some air holes

in the top of that thing. Yeah.

They're just little
bitty ones though,

he can't get out.

Hey everybody, Mr. DeFazio's
giving away free beer

at the Pizza Bowl!

Woo-hoo! What? Free beer? Whoa!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪