Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Bully Show - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Have a balanced breakfast.

One egg... two pieces of bacon

and a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

Mmm, grrreat!

Hey, Shirl, hurry up!

I gotta drop you at the bus
stop before I, um... go to work!

I don't want to be late!

Keep your shirt on.

You'll make it to the
brewery in plenty of time

to whistle at the guys
getting off of the night shift.

Hey, Shirl. How come you're only

going to visit your
brother for one night?

I mean, uh, you got
some sick days coming.

Why don't you
take a couple, huh?

Because what happens
when I get sick, hmm?

What happens if someday
I develop a fever of 102

and then have to go
to work like that, hmm?

So you sweat in the beer.

Everybody does.

I'm coming.

I'm just going to
go to Minneapolis,

stay the night, see
my brother graduate

from heavy equipment school,
and come right back home.

Oh, boy, I love those guys

that drive the big rigs, huh?

It's always been his dream.

I hope he likes the present
I got him for graduation.

It wasn't easy finding
a set of glasses

with pictures of trucks from
all around the world, you know.

And you didn't get us a set?

They were three dollars a set!

What do you think,
we're made of money?

Hey, hurry up, I'm losing
my whistling time, okay?

All right, just
hold your horses,

I want to get my coat.

Boy, you'd think
you had a rocket

in your pants
sometimes the way...

Would you hurry up?

They have a lovely gift
shop at the bus depot.

I'll murder you...

See that broad? Yeah.

She's crazy about me.

I took her out the other night.

You know, she couldn't
keep her hands off me.

She says to me "Oh, Squiggy,

your hair makes me sweat."

Boy, it is the same

with me these
days, I'll telling you.

I have personally
had biblical knowledge

of every major
female in this brewery.

You guys must get a lot
of action around here, huh?

Women are drawn to us
like flies to Bosco, boss.

Oh, yeah? So maybe
you'll help your new foreman

get acquainted with
the local ladies, huh?

You bet. And maybe our
new foreman will give us

that truck driving
route that goes past

the women's detention farm.

Hey... Hey... Thank
you. See you Monday.

Hi, Laverne.

Uh, hi guys.

Hello, Laverne.

You shapely
instrument of torture.

How's about giving me a kiss?

A wet kisser but a hard worker.

Cute number, too.

What's the, uh,
what's the book on her?

She's crazy about me.
She's crazy about me.

Yeah, but I mean
is she, uh... loose?

As a moose.

Let me spell it out for you.

S-E... C-K-S.

You guys must, uh,
know her pretty well, huh?

Every inch of her.

Good. Get me a date with her.

Oh, I'd love to,
boss, but I can't.

You see, on account
of she's my... steady girl.

What? Uh, well, I
didn't mean she was, uh,

my steady girl,
I left out a word.

She's my friend's steady
girl, she's Lenny's...

Oh, yeah, huh?

But we had to break up
for the children, you know?

Look, uh, you guys
see this cantaloupe?

Yeah. Very nice.

That's your heads.

Oh, boy, visual aids.

Now, uh, I'm your foreman.

Do you want to
work in the grease pit

sucking oil off dirty valves?

Uh, no, thank you.

No. No.

Okay, now, I like that girl.

I want that girl,

and I'm going to get
something off that girl.

And you guys are
going to help me, right?

Right. Right.

Now leave. Fine.

On your knees.

Take a hike.

With dignity, Len.

Okay, this goes there.

Cramp, cramp, cramp!

What, what, what?

Cramp, cramp!

Well, Shirley ain't
here and you know

I ain't allowed to
touch you, Carmine.

Oh, please, please, please!

Okay, well lie down.

Okay, let's make this fast.

Real fast.

Where's the cramp?

Uh, it's the little piggy
that stayed home.

Uh, this little piggy
went to market,

this one went
wee-wee... this one!

Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!

That's the piggy! You got it!

Oh. Yeah. That's it. Thanks.

Now I got this pain in my back.

Aw, come on.

Well, that's 'cause you
got a cat in your back.

Get off Boo-Boo Kitty.

Boo-Boo Kitty! Boo-Boo Kitty!

Oh! You did it!

No, it was an accident!
No, it's your fault!

I didn't mean
it! I don't want it.

Shirley's going
to kill us, Carmine.

Look, we'll cure it, all right?

Yeah, I don't think there's

any Boo-Boo veterinarians.

Look, don't, don't
get excited, uh...

I'll fix it, and if not,

well, look, we'll explain
to Shirl what happened.

In a telegram from Costa Rica.

Boy, I sure hope Shirley
don't find out about that.

Well, if she does, I'll just
tell her it was an accident.

A mistake.

Even God makes mistakes.

Hello.

Not now, boys, please go away.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

True love needs no
invitation to bust in.

And besides,
we're here on behalf

of your secret admirer.

Someone admires me?

Yeah, and the suspense
is killing you, right?

Well, we took the
liberty, lucky you,

of fixing up a date tonight
for you and your beloved.

This beloved, he
a friend of yours?

We're like brothers.
Then forget it.

Wait a minute,
Laverne. Wait a minute...

Oh, no, I remember the last date

you fixed me up with.

I went dancing with
your Uncle Heinz.

A very distinguished gentleman.

The guy was 95 years old.

He could still dip.

Forget it.

It's too late for
Heinzie, he's dead.

Well, no wonder he never called.

Look, guys, everyone

you fixed me up with
has been a disaster,

so no hard feelings,
but no, thank you.

Look, you know what
that means, don't you?

We are going to
have to find ourselves

another date for that
very special gentleman.

Mm-hmm, maybe Terry Butafuco

would like to go out with
him. An excellent choice.

Mm-hmm, yes, I
think she'd be perfect.

They'd make a
wonderful couple, yes.

Would you guys get your hands

off of them clothes?!

And besides, Terry Butafuco

does not go out
with just anybody.

Oh, "just anybody"?

Well, this guy just
ain't "just anybody."

He happens to be...
some kind of a man.

What kind is he?

He's... the Man of the Year.

Oh, how would you guys
know someone like that?

What Man of the Year? He's
the Milwaukee Man of the Year.

Oh, and you know him,
right? Yeah, yeah, we know

a lot of famous people, Laverne.

How about Mexican Louie...
who could swallow his nose?

Forget it.

Look, let's leave her with
her light laundry, shall we?

And get over to Terry's house

before she gets into
her evening Hail Marys.

All right, I think that's
a very good idea.

We'll leave now. Let's hurry.

We'll hurry over to Terry's

and let her meet
the Man of the Year.

Wait a second, this Man of the
Year... What Man of the Year?

The Milwaukee Man of the Year.

Oh, you've heard about him?

He's a terrific
fellow, I know...

No, no, look, uh...

ordinarily, uh,
I'd say no, but...

Well, since I ain't got
nothing, and, well...

And you would look
beautiful sitting next to him

tonight at the awards banquet.

He's taking me to a banquet?

What do you think,
that they'd give him

his award at a Dairy Queen?

Who could say no to
the Man of the Year, huh?

Boy, we sure couldn't.

And Laverne would
be wise not to, neither.

Thanks a million.
Thanks, Laverne.

You'll have a
wonderful time, I'm sure.

Imagine me, the Man
of the Year's date.

Guess that makes
me the date of the year.

Not dressed like this, it don't.

Dry. Dry. Dry.

Good evening, it
is both a privilege

and an honor to be your...

You're the Man of the Year?

I've been called that.

I'm Biff Parker,
how are you doing?

Well, don't you
have to get dressed

for the banquet?

I mean, where's your tuxedo,
out in the car or something?

What banquet?

You don't know nothing
about the award?

I don't know nothing
about nothing.

Uh, if you play
your cards right,

at the end of the evening,
I'll give you a nice big trophy.

They do it to me every time!

I can't stand them!

That Lenny and Squiggy...

I'd like to kill them.

Do you know what they told me?

You tell me.

They told me that we were going

to the Man of the
Year awards banquet.

So me, like a jerk,
goes out and rents

this beautiful gown for tonight.

I'll tell you what, now,
why don't you take

that dress off,
and I'll return it

and get you your money back.

You'd do that? Sure.

Aw, that's real sweet of you.

But since I am all gussied up...

what do you say we go
out and paint the town, huh?

Let's paint the room.

Is the door stuck or something?

Why doesn't it open?

I said take the dress off here.

Get out of here.

What are you,
crazy or something?

Come on.

Maybe you don't understand.

Somebody's going to
take a dress off in this room,

and I ain't wearing one.

Boy, it's awfully stuffy
in here, don't you think?

Or is it just my imagination?

Help!

Hey, what do you need help for?

Ju-Ju... Just what did Lenny
and Squiggy tell you about me?

Only good things.

Yeah, but did they
tell you the bad things?

What bad things?

Fits.

I have terrible fits.

Fits?

What kind of fits?

Fits from rabies.

Uh, when I was a little girl,
I-I was bitten by a mad dog,

and, uh, they had to
keep me on a leash

till I was eight years old,

and, uh, sometimes
it comes back.

Stay.

Right here is fine.

No, uh, no, I-I'm all cured.

You're all cured?

A miracle.

Okay, then let's continue, okay?

Oh, would you look
at that beautiful body.

I can't stand it.

Uh, look, I got a little
messy from my fit, so, uh...

why don't I just go
inside and freshen up,

and then I'll come out

naked, and we'll watch Sea Hunt.

Sea Hunt naked.

Lenny and Squiggy are
going to get a promotion

for this one.

My zipper's stuck.

Well, let me help.
No, no, got it.

Got it.

Well,

I think I can fall in
love with this girl.

Listen, Laverne, I just got...

Oh, am I interrupting something?

Well, not yet, but any minute.

Oh, well, I just dropped
by to return the cat.

I just had it fixed.

Yeah, well, there's too
many cats in the world. Yeah.

Yeah.

Who are you?

I'm Laverne's, uh, date.

She's in the bedroom
getting naked.

Oh! Huh?

Congratulations!

Carmine, stay right there.

I'm just getting dressed!

Oh, that's okay, Laverne.

I can see you're having

a little private party
here of your own.

No!

I'm leaving, I'm
leaving, I'm leaving.

No! Be gentle.

Please, somebody, help me!

Ah, beer.

Mother's milk.

Wonder how Laverne is
getting along with old Biff.

Ah, she's probably
having the time of her life.

She's out with the Man
of the Year, ain't she?

That was a lie, remember?

It was a great lie.

Aw, come on, Lenny.

What are you worried about?

We did the only
thing we could do.

We had no choice.

It was survival of the finest.

We're cowards!

Stop that!

Pull yourself together.

I don't ever want to
hear you say that again.

We ain't afraid of nothing.

Not man, not beast,
not dead of night.

What are you talking about?

We sleep with the light on.

The light in the
bathroom don't count.

We sleep in the bathroom!

All right, twice a week...

Okay, fellas, closing time.

No more beer.

All right? Let's go.

Listen, if by any chance

you loosened the
top of the salt shakers,

I'm going to kick
your patooties.

Right?

Right!

Um, Mr. DeFazio, we'd
like a little advice, okay?

You want advice?

I'll give you advice.

Go home, and stay there!

That's a good tip. Yeah...

But look, we got kind of

a hypothetical situation
to tell you about.

Let's say these two
guys, Steve and Bob...

Who's Steve and Bob?

The guys who set the
girl up, Steve and Bob.

But we set the girl
up. Steve and Bob.

Steve and Bob. And Bob.

Yes, very lovely boys.

Yeah, well, anyway,

Steve and Bob set
this kind of nice girl up

with this sort of
rough customer,

and he might just
have his way with her.

Yeah, and-and if they
do anything to stop him,

uh, he would break
their "candylopes."

Yeah. So, uh, what
we was wondering is,

uh, if that don't make, uh,
uh... what's their names?

Steve and Bob.

That don't make Steve
and Bob cowards, does it?

They sound like cowards to me.

Who asked you? Shh!

I mean, uh, what is your
opinion, Mrs. Babish?

They sound like
wormy little 'fraidy cats.

You better watch it.
They might hear you.

Listen, they asked
me the question,

I'll answer it,
okay? That's fine.

Man to man. To man.

I think it's the girl's problem.

You understand that?

With you, it's always
the girl's problem.

What if the girl was Laverne?

Hey, that's different.

Then I'd take...

Bob... uh, Steve and
Bob out in the street,

and I'd pull their hair right
out of their arm, right out.

And then I'd take their
legs, and I'd go, "Whoa!"

Oh! Come here.

The mop. Ten bucks for the mop.

We have lost more
mops from your temper.

Listen, listen, listen.

What's the matter with you?

What are we going to do?

Are we going to sit around here

and get beat up like
a couple of mops?

Or are we going to go down
there and get beat up like men?

All right, maybe
you're right, Lenny.

A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

I've waited long enough.

If you're not out of there
by the time I count to three,

I'm coming in.

One.

Hold on. I'll be right there.

Two.

Close your eyes.

I have a surprise for you.

Two and a half.

Three!

Whoa!

I'm hurt!

I'm hurt!

Well, it's your own fault.

No jerk's gonna make me do
something I don't want to do!

Laverne DeFazio
picks her own jerks.

Yeah, but I'm not kidding.

I'm-I'm really hurt.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm glad you're hurt.

How bad?

Uh, I think I'm
going to black out.

Aw, come on, you
can't be hurt that bad.

What do you think I
am, some dumb bimbo?

Well, answer me.

Biff?

Biff?

Biff?

Mr. Parker?

Maybe I killed him.

I have a headache!

Ah, they're doing just fine.

Let's get back to the pizza.

No... Get him!

Get him? Why, ya...

Hey, man, wait a minute. Whoa!

Squiggy!

Squiggy, I'm so glad to see you!

Wait a minute! This looks
like a job for Squiggyman!

Yeah! Give him a lick!

I got him.

Whoa! Squiggy.

Lick him! Get him! Beat him!

He's dangerous when he's awake!

He'll kill you.

Come on, Squig, get him!

Get him!

Get over...!

Oh!

Whoa!

Not in the bedroom!

Pile on! Pile on! Pile on!

Uh, I give up.

Who said that?

I did.

Okay, Mr. Biff Parker,

you get out of here and
never come back again.

Okay.

Don't bother standing up!

Get out of here on your knees!

Yeah.

I had a very nice evening.

We did it!

Oh, boy, and that's one bozo

who ain't going to stick his
nose in our beeswax no more.

Yes, sirree, he certainly won't.

No need to thank us, Laverne.

Thank you?

You're welcome. You're welcome.

You were the ones who
fixed me up with that guy.

He was the worst.

Do you have any idea
what he wanted to do to me?

Yeah.

We had an idea, you know.

We thought he might,
well... You knew?

Well, I mean...

That's the kind
of friends you are?

You leave me alone with a guy

you know is going to hurt me?

Listen, um, Laverne, see,

we didn't-didn't
want to, but he said

he'd have us fired off the jobs.

Well, I think a friend is
more important than a job.

Especially our jobs.

They're not that great.

Yeah, but-but-but
it-it ain't just that.

I mean... I mean,
you've never seen

what this man does to fruit!

It's not... It's not
like we wanted to

or anything,
Laverne, you know...?

And-And-And-And-And
we did save you, also.

Yeah, well you did do that.

We're sorry, 'Verne.

Will you forgive us?

Just a little bit?

Just-Just a little baby bit?

Just forgive, that's all.

I mean, you can spit
out your forgiveness.

That's all we ask. Just...

Okay, yeah, I forgive you.

I don't believe it.

No, I don't, either. No.

No, I mean it, I forgive you.

There's something
missing. No, no.

No, no, no, no,
that's not right.

I mean, like, uh, uh, usually
when we come down here,

we have a very nice
conversation with you,

and then you give us a
big sendoff, you know?

Yeah, well, see, we
know that you like us

by the way you throw us out.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, get out.

You can do better than that.

Get out!

I can't hear you, Laverne.

Get out!

Oh! Oh!

That's it. Our
friendship is saved!

Go on! Ah, go on!

And... one more
for the road, huh?

Get out of here!

Oh! Music to my ears!

Laverne?

Laverne, I'm home.

Oh, hi, Shirl. Hi.

How was your
brother's graduation

from heavy
equipment school, huh?

Laverne, it was stirring.

Yeah?

The graduates drove bulldozers

across the stage to
accept their diplomas.

Oh, gee. The only thing

we ever got to do was
throw our hats in the air.

I know.

Well, take a load off.

What about you?

What did you do
while I was gone?

Um, nothing. It was dull.

Aw, come on.

No parties, no big
bashes, no hot dates?

Well, there was
a little bashing,

but you don't want
to hear about it.

Well, hello, Boo Boo Kitty.

I missed you while I was
away. How have you been?

How have you been, huh?

What's wrong with this
cat? He won't sit up straight.

Oh, that's funny.

Uh, he was just full of life
the whole time you were gone.

"Woo Fung Lee, Chinese tailor."

Laverne?

Laverne, what did Woo Fung
Lee do to Boo Boo Kitty, hmm?

Explain this.

What did Woo Fung
Lee do to my kitty?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪