Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 20 - Squiggy in Love - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Hey, Shirl?
I need a big fat old
favor from you today.
What's that?
I want to take off
work a little early,
so will you punch
out for me? Again?
No, I will not, Laverne.
It makes me feel
cheap and dishonest.
Oh, come on. I'll
do it for you Friday.
Okay.
What are you doing tonight?
Mm, I'm going out
with, uh, one Ted
Nelson, fireman.
He's so cute when he
says his name like that.
Oh, where are you going?
He's taking me swimming
up at Skolnik's Pond.
Skolnik's Pond?
I thought the Health Department
closed that place down.
Yeah, they did, but
they opened it up again.
They found the body.
Oh.
Gee, I remember
when Carmine and I
used to do wild and
romantic things like that.
Shirl, finding a
body is not romantic.
Oh, you know what
I'm talking about.
Now all we ever do is go to
the movies and come home
and neck a little,
and he tries
something, he gets fresh,
and so I send him upstairs
to take a cold shower.
I don't know,
Laverne, I don't know.
Well, what are you
trying to say, Shirl,
that you're bored?
That all the zippity's
gone out of your doo-dah?
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
I don't what to do about it.
Well, don't mope
around about it.
Come on, Shirl. you
got to talk to Carmine.
You got to tell him.
I'm telling you, Shirl,
believe me, if
you're not careful,
you could start to grow old,
and then you'll wind up
marrying Lord knows what.
Hello.
Girls, this is of the essence.
No, no, we don't have time.
We're late for work anyway.
Oh, yeah?
Well, listen, uh,
I got one new, crisp dollar bill
for the first girl who
is willing to fix me up
with the new girl
at work, Vivian.
Vivian? McCafferty?
Uh-huh.
That beautiful, new
receptionist up in Yeast.
Oh, I saw her. She's
got a great figure.
Yeah, I talked to her about
joining the bowling team.
This girl is gorgeous
beyond belief!
Squig, she's not your type.
Well, who is?
I would ask her myself,
but I don't know her.
Well, I don't know her.
Well, don't look at me;
I just talked to her once.
There you go, Squig.
You talked to her once?!
Why did you do that to me?
Gee, you're practically sisters.
Come on, Shirley,
you owe me a favor.
I owe you nothing.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it seems to
me last Halloween
a certain fairy queen I know
did not end up with
Carmine the hobgoblin,
but was seen bobbing for apples
with some guy dressed
like Ichabob Crane.
All right, okay,
be quiet, will you?
All right, all right,
I'll see what I can do.
Look, uh, I'm not
making any promises,
but, uh, be at the
Pizza Bowl around 7:00.
I'll see if Vivian wants to
bowl a few frames with me.
Okay, I'll be there.
Till then, I'll
count the seconds
when I see my beloved.
One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
three Mississippi...
12,007 Mississippi, 12,008
Mississippi, 12,009 Mississippi.
All right, I'm here. I did it.
I've come to claim my Vivian.
Yes, well your Vivian
is in the ladies' room.
Listen, Squig,
I've seen this girl,
and she's really nice.
She's not your type.
No, she's not your
type at all, trust us.
Oh, and who are you two
to be telling me about types?
I mean, what's
your type, Shirley?
Some little squat dancer?
No offense, Carmine.
How dare you insult
my little squat dancer!
Thanks, Shirl.
Look, Squig, I really
think that Vivian goes
for another type of
man altogether, really.
Mm, probably someone more
along the lines of Ichabob Crane...
Vivian, get out here!
Whoa, look at the way she is.
She leaves the
toilet like a gazelle.
Are you going somewhere?
No.
Then please sit down. Mm.
Oh... Vivian, uh, I'm
awfully sorry about this,
but, uh, I'd like
to introduce you
to Andrew Squigmann,
a fellow Shotz employee.
Hello, Andy.
Good evening, ma'am.
Uh, Vivian, I
know this is silly,
but Squiggy here
would like to...
Andy. She calls me Andy.
Okay. I know this is silly,
but Andy here would
like to ask you out.
Now, I know what you're
going to say, and... I'd love to.
"I'd love to." You
see, she'd love to...
She'd love to?
Explain this to me.
Love is blind.
Blind, yes, but deaf,
dumb and unable to smell?
Are you making any
progress with Carmine?
Carmine and I have decided
to try and recapture the fire
our relationship once had.
Not the hobgoblin suit again?
Oh, no, no. Good.
We were thinking
more along the lines
of a romantic dinner for two.
Boy, could I go for
one of them now.
I hate the lunches right
before payday, you know?
Yeah, potato sandwiches, ugh.
Hey, maybe we can trade.
Len, what do you have for lunch?
Wonder-kabob.
See, I was going to
make shish-kebob,
but I ran out of shish.
So I just took some Wonder
Bread and balled it up on here.
What do you think?
Want to try some?
No, no, I'd rather
eat turtle food.
Who wouldn't?
How come you're not
brown-bagging it with Squiggy?
He's eating with
Vivian again today.
Those two are
insepartable, you know?
Like Siamese cats.
I don't believe it.
Well, I wouldn't have
believed it either,
had I not seen it
with my own two eyes.
I mean, this girl is
gorgeous, Laverne,
but she must have
the I.Q. of a frog.
Well, good afternoon
to one and all,
and ain't this simply
a gorgeous day?
It's supposed to rain.
And so, the flowers,
they will grow.
♪ The world owes me a living ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do... ♪
Boy, Squig, you seem to
be on cloud nine. Mmm-hmm.
You and Vivian have
become quite an item, I guess.
Well, I don't want to drop
any bombshells on you, Shirl,
but, uh, I did spend
the entire night last night
in her bedroom.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
and Julius LaRosa made
me a tuna fish sandwich.
Wow!
It might be hard
to believe, Laverne,
but I have practically moved
into Vivian's apartment.
Now why don't you move
your apartment, Lenny?
Thank you very much.
I'm telling you, he is
the regular bossa nova.
Hi!
Vivvy, my one and only.
Oh... my sweetheart.
What a beautiful table.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, now, Andy, dear,
did you finish
painting my bedroom?
Yes, beloved.
Two coats of passion pink.
See, I knew it.
That's the night he
spent in her bedroom.
Forget it, Laverne, this
is none of our business.
Now, Andy, honey,
is all the furniture moved in?
Oh, oh, yeah, yes, dearest, yes.
Uh, all I got left is the piano.
He's practically
moved in with her?
I can't hear
another word of this.
No, no, no!
Is this room getting smaller?
Andy, honey, I wanted
that moving finished.
I wish you'd do
what you're told.
For the first time in my life,
Squiggy seems short to me.
Why don't you sit down?
We have so little time together.
Well, now, Andy dear,
maybe if you eat alone
you can think of a way
to budget your time better.
Yes, that's a great
idea. I must be budgeted.
Thank you for taming me.
Good-bye.
B-B-B-Bye. Bye-bye.
Ain't she a peach?
Zip me up.
Who are you calling?
Squiggy.
Somebody has got to set
him straight about that Vivian.
Here.
Who died and made me Dear Abby?
You do it. No, you do it.
Look, I've got to fix
dinner for me and Carmine.
You do it. No, I'm going
out with Ted. I can't do it.
Look, look, look,
look, look, look.
Let's fix up our own lives
and then we'll deal
with Squiggy's, okay?
All right. Okay.
Going out for another
romantic evening with Ted?
Yeah. We're going to drive
around until we run out of gas,
and then we're
going to make out.
You may be driving
around for a long time
before you get to
make out, you know.
Not a chance, Shirl.
I got me a syphon.
Boy, that Laverne,
she knows how to keep the
excitement going in a romance.
Well, tonight,
look out, Carmine,
because tonight, it's
Shirley Whoopee Feeney.
Angel Face?
Come in, you
handsome devil, you!
Close your eyes. I
got a surprise for you.
Oh, a surprise! Oh,
Carmine! Are they closed?
Yes, they're closed.
All right, hold on.
Oh, Carmine, what is it?
Hold on. What is it, what is it?
All right, all right, all right,
hold on. Okay, all right, fine.
You shouldn't have. Don't
peek. Are you peeking?
You didn't need to have a surprise
for me. Okay, don't peek, don't peek.
All right, I can hardly
wait. I'm not peeking.
All right, just a second.
Okay, open your eyes.
Oh, Carmine, oh,
an electrical fireplace!
Oh, Carmine!
Why?
Why?
Well, I thought maybe
we could pretend
that we're in a cabin
up in the mountains.
You know, uh, add a little spice
to our life, you
know? Yeah, yeah.
What do you say we snuggle
up next to the fire, huh?
I-I don't know. I
read this article
where these things
leak radiation sometimes,
and they can mutate you.
Don't worry, this
one's leakproof.
Come on. All right.
Come on. Pretend.
Isn't this nice?
Mm-hmm.
If my hair was
wet, I could dry it.
I brought a bag of
marshmallows to roast. Huh?
Well, what are you gonna do,
lay them on the lightbulb?
They'll melt and smell in here.
They could maybe
ruin this thing.
Could you pretend?
Could you at least
pretend for a little
while, Shirl, huh?
Give me a break here, huh?
Carmine.
Hmm?
Carmine, I think it's
going to take more
than cold marshmallows to
make this work, you know?
Shirl! Oh, at last, I found you.
Maybe I should
have looked here first.
Oh, no, Lenny, no, no, not now.
Please, not now. You
don't have to get up for me.
It's all right. Come on, Len.
Can you come back another time?
This is a bad time
for us here. You're telling me
this is a bad time?! Squiggy
has finally gone mad!
That viper Vivian has
gotten to his mind somehow.
Squiggy's gonna cash in
his dead granny's chips!
Lenny, Lenny, you're
making no sense.
Slow down, will you?
Squiggy's... cashing... in...
his... dead...
granny's... chips.
Not like that. All right.
All right, all right!
Let me put it this way.
Squiggy inherited $400
from his grandma, Priscilla.
Yeah. He was saving that money
to start his own knife-
sharpening business.
But now it looks like
he's gonna blow it
on a, a brand-new, full-color
refrigerator for Vivian.
You got to talk to
him, Shirl, please?
Oh, Lord knows this neighborhood
could use a good
knife-sharpener.
♪ Oh, the world
owes me a living... ♪
Hiya, Shirl.
Hi, Squig.
Len told me you
wanted to talk to me.
I kind of expected it.
Yeah. Well, Squig,
uh, what I have to say
is very important, and,
uh, I don't quite know
how to say it to you.
Of course you don't.
You're a crestfallen woman.
It ain't easy when
the one you love
loves someone else,
but I'll level with you, Shirl.
My lust belongs to Vivian.
Let's forget about your
lust for a minute, shall we?
Whoo! Okay.
Squig, let's you and me, um...
Let's take a walk
down memory lane.
Great! Let's go.
♪ Memory... ♪
Not like that!
Okay. All right.
Squiggy, do you remember
when we were in
the fourth grade?
Which time?
The first time, when you and I
were in the fourth grade
together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You remember Mitchell Lefkowitz,
how he used to bring
candy and comic books
from his father's store?
And how everybody
used to kiss up to him
and try to be his friend,
just so they could get
free candy and comic
books? You remember?
Remember? I'm still his friend.
Still his friend. How sweet.
Well, let me put
it to you this way.
I know that you painted
Vivian's bedroom, okay?
And I know that you
moved her furniture
into her apartment, all right?
Mm-hmm.
But Squig, honestly,
how many times
have you kissed her?
Counting today?
Uh-huh.
None.
She's so pure... and busy.
Yes. Well... Now, how many times
have you held her in your arms?
Shirley, what are
you talking about?
I mean, how can you
hold a free spirit in your arms?
How do you take a moonbeam
and catch it in your hands?
How do you take a rocket
and stick it in your pocket?
How do you grab a porcupine
from the jungle and swallow
it as if it was a cabbage?
I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know, okay?
We'll find out the answer
to those questions
later on, all right?
But, but right now,
just follow me on this.
Okay. Now...
we know that you have
moved her furniture
into her apartment, and that
you have painted her bedroom,
yet she has never
let you kiss her
or hold her in your arms.
Now, Squiggy, what
does that add up to
in your mind? Four.
How can you be so thick?
I hate to be blunt about this,
but the hard, cold fact
is, Vivian's using you!
Now, I'm sorry I had to say
it that way, but it's the truth.
Don't you think I know that?
You know that and
you still let her do it?
I don't understand that, Squig.
Well, of course,
you don't understand,
'cause you always had Carmine,
somebody you could depend upon.
Squiggy, what I
have with Carmine
is not the same as what
you have with Vivian.
Carmine and I,
we base our
relationship on friendship.
I mean, we care about
each other, Squiggy.
Carmine and I really
love each other.
Well, you're lucky.
I guess I am lucky.
That's what I want.
Ooh!
Squiggy, you're not going
to have that with Vivian
because...
because Vivian doesn't
care about you, Squiggy.
You mean nothing to her.
She treats you like garbage.
Oh, so what? It's just
a small price to pay.
When I walk down
the street with Vivian...
I mean, people
look at me different.
They act as if I'm
better than I am.
They think I'm important,
and so if she don't
treat me all that good,
it don't matter.
It does matter! It does!
Because she's taking away
the one thing that
you've always had.
She took Lenny?
No, no, no, no, no.
Sometimes it's so difficult.
She took away your pride.
If there was one thing
Andrew Squigmann always was,
it was a proud man who'd
never humble himself for nobody,
no matter who it was.
Did he die?
Almost. But there's still
time for him to realize
that he's been
humiliating himself
for somebody who's just
treating him like a sucker.
Suck...!
Don't call me no sucker!
Listen, I mean, they, they
called Romeo a sucker,
and look how he turned out.
He killed himself!
He's dead, too?
Yeah!
Well, I ain't listening to you
no more, Shirley Feeney.
I mean, you're the only one
who sees that stuff
that way, just you!
No, it's not just me!
Everybody sees it.
Squiggy, Laverne sees it.
Why, even Lenny sees it.
Lenny sees what
I tell him to see,
and the rest of youse just
keep your eyes out of it.
Look, Squig, I'm sorry I
had to say these things,
I know that they hurt you,
but, please, promise me,
promise me you'll
think about it.
Think about it? Think about it?
With what?!
So, how are things going
with you and Carmine?
Things picking up?
Things are getting very hot.
Last night Carmine came back,
and we took a drive down to
Skolnik's Pond... in the dark.
And then?
And then we got out
and sat on the ground.
And then?
And then... all night long,
we listened to the crickets.
Well, that's nice.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Len.
Anybody feel like taking a ride
down to the fertilizer factory?
Today's the day they
steam-ream the pits.
Oh, okay, well, why
don't you go with Squiggy?
Oh, well, uh...
I don't know. I...
We don't share the
good times anymore.
Hi.
Has anybody seen my Andy?
He's our Squiggy,
and what's it to you?
Well, he's late with my money.
Your money? Why you bloodsucker!
No, no, Laverne,
come on, come on.
Let Squiggy
handle this, will you?
It is none of your business
if the little twerp wants
to buy me a refrigerator.
Little twerp!
Come on, Laverne,
come on, come on!
What's going on here?
Vivian, are you all right?
Andy, my hero.
Ohh... did you bring the money?
Bring the money?
Bring the money... Oh,
please, Andy Pandy,
I want that refrigerator.
Well...
Well...
No!
What am I to you?
What do I look like?
Just your little Sqiggy bank?
You take my love
and you'd just trade it in
for an avocado Frigidaire.
Well, I got news for you,
Miss Vivian McCafferty.
You ain't good enough
for Andrew Squigmann.
So why don't you just... flee?
Well!
Oh, that was great!
Squiggy, you were so good!
Yeah, terrific.
Oh, Squig!
That was just great.
You were so... so
smart and so grown-up,
but could I have permission
to just smack her one?
Please? No, no, no.
She suffered enough, Laverne.
She'll probably go
home and cry her hair out.
Say, Shirley, uh, could I
talk to you for a minute?
Yes, Squig?
I just wanted to say...
thanks for everything.
Oh, well, thank you, Squig,
'cause you really helped
me and Carmine out.
Listen, what say I let you take
me down and buy me a soda?
Buy me a soda!
Buy me a Frigidaire!
Cry me a river!
You women are all the same!
Gee, Carmine, this sure has
been a terrific afternoon, hasn't it?
Yeah, Shirl. Nothing beats
a thrilling game of Parcheesi.
Boy, when you rolled
those two doubles in a row,
it took my breath away.
And you thought I was
boring, huh? Huh, huh, huh?
Two people who
care about each other
as much as we do
can never be boring.
I think I'm getting
a bit thrilled.
There's no doubt
about it, Carmine,
we have to be the two
most exciting people
on all of Knapp Street.
Hi, Shirl! Hi, Carmine!
Guess what? I just helped
Ted put out a four-alarm fire!
I saved three kids and
a collie all by myself.
Well, you'll read about it
in the papers tomorrow.
It's your move.
You got any warm milk?
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Hey, Shirl?
I need a big fat old
favor from you today.
What's that?
I want to take off
work a little early,
so will you punch
out for me? Again?
No, I will not, Laverne.
It makes me feel
cheap and dishonest.
Oh, come on. I'll
do it for you Friday.
Okay.
What are you doing tonight?
Mm, I'm going out
with, uh, one Ted
Nelson, fireman.
He's so cute when he
says his name like that.
Oh, where are you going?
He's taking me swimming
up at Skolnik's Pond.
Skolnik's Pond?
I thought the Health Department
closed that place down.
Yeah, they did, but
they opened it up again.
They found the body.
Oh.
Gee, I remember
when Carmine and I
used to do wild and
romantic things like that.
Shirl, finding a
body is not romantic.
Oh, you know what
I'm talking about.
Now all we ever do is go to
the movies and come home
and neck a little,
and he tries
something, he gets fresh,
and so I send him upstairs
to take a cold shower.
I don't know,
Laverne, I don't know.
Well, what are you
trying to say, Shirl,
that you're bored?
That all the zippity's
gone out of your doo-dah?
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
I don't what to do about it.
Well, don't mope
around about it.
Come on, Shirl. you
got to talk to Carmine.
You got to tell him.
I'm telling you, Shirl,
believe me, if
you're not careful,
you could start to grow old,
and then you'll wind up
marrying Lord knows what.
Hello.
Girls, this is of the essence.
No, no, we don't have time.
We're late for work anyway.
Oh, yeah?
Well, listen, uh,
I got one new, crisp dollar bill
for the first girl who
is willing to fix me up
with the new girl
at work, Vivian.
Vivian? McCafferty?
Uh-huh.
That beautiful, new
receptionist up in Yeast.
Oh, I saw her. She's
got a great figure.
Yeah, I talked to her about
joining the bowling team.
This girl is gorgeous
beyond belief!
Squig, she's not your type.
Well, who is?
I would ask her myself,
but I don't know her.
Well, I don't know her.
Well, don't look at me;
I just talked to her once.
There you go, Squig.
You talked to her once?!
Why did you do that to me?
Gee, you're practically sisters.
Come on, Shirley,
you owe me a favor.
I owe you nothing.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it seems to
me last Halloween
a certain fairy queen I know
did not end up with
Carmine the hobgoblin,
but was seen bobbing for apples
with some guy dressed
like Ichabob Crane.
All right, okay,
be quiet, will you?
All right, all right,
I'll see what I can do.
Look, uh, I'm not
making any promises,
but, uh, be at the
Pizza Bowl around 7:00.
I'll see if Vivian wants to
bowl a few frames with me.
Okay, I'll be there.
Till then, I'll
count the seconds
when I see my beloved.
One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
three Mississippi...
12,007 Mississippi, 12,008
Mississippi, 12,009 Mississippi.
All right, I'm here. I did it.
I've come to claim my Vivian.
Yes, well your Vivian
is in the ladies' room.
Listen, Squig,
I've seen this girl,
and she's really nice.
She's not your type.
No, she's not your
type at all, trust us.
Oh, and who are you two
to be telling me about types?
I mean, what's
your type, Shirley?
Some little squat dancer?
No offense, Carmine.
How dare you insult
my little squat dancer!
Thanks, Shirl.
Look, Squig, I really
think that Vivian goes
for another type of
man altogether, really.
Mm, probably someone more
along the lines of Ichabob Crane...
Vivian, get out here!
Whoa, look at the way she is.
She leaves the
toilet like a gazelle.
Are you going somewhere?
No.
Then please sit down. Mm.
Oh... Vivian, uh, I'm
awfully sorry about this,
but, uh, I'd like
to introduce you
to Andrew Squigmann,
a fellow Shotz employee.
Hello, Andy.
Good evening, ma'am.
Uh, Vivian, I
know this is silly,
but Squiggy here
would like to...
Andy. She calls me Andy.
Okay. I know this is silly,
but Andy here would
like to ask you out.
Now, I know what you're
going to say, and... I'd love to.
"I'd love to." You
see, she'd love to...
She'd love to?
Explain this to me.
Love is blind.
Blind, yes, but deaf,
dumb and unable to smell?
Are you making any
progress with Carmine?
Carmine and I have decided
to try and recapture the fire
our relationship once had.
Not the hobgoblin suit again?
Oh, no, no. Good.
We were thinking
more along the lines
of a romantic dinner for two.
Boy, could I go for
one of them now.
I hate the lunches right
before payday, you know?
Yeah, potato sandwiches, ugh.
Hey, maybe we can trade.
Len, what do you have for lunch?
Wonder-kabob.
See, I was going to
make shish-kebob,
but I ran out of shish.
So I just took some Wonder
Bread and balled it up on here.
What do you think?
Want to try some?
No, no, I'd rather
eat turtle food.
Who wouldn't?
How come you're not
brown-bagging it with Squiggy?
He's eating with
Vivian again today.
Those two are
insepartable, you know?
Like Siamese cats.
I don't believe it.
Well, I wouldn't have
believed it either,
had I not seen it
with my own two eyes.
I mean, this girl is
gorgeous, Laverne,
but she must have
the I.Q. of a frog.
Well, good afternoon
to one and all,
and ain't this simply
a gorgeous day?
It's supposed to rain.
And so, the flowers,
they will grow.
♪ The world owes me a living ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do... ♪
Boy, Squig, you seem to
be on cloud nine. Mmm-hmm.
You and Vivian have
become quite an item, I guess.
Well, I don't want to drop
any bombshells on you, Shirl,
but, uh, I did spend
the entire night last night
in her bedroom.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
and Julius LaRosa made
me a tuna fish sandwich.
Wow!
It might be hard
to believe, Laverne,
but I have practically moved
into Vivian's apartment.
Now why don't you move
your apartment, Lenny?
Thank you very much.
I'm telling you, he is
the regular bossa nova.
Hi!
Vivvy, my one and only.
Oh... my sweetheart.
What a beautiful table.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, now, Andy, dear,
did you finish
painting my bedroom?
Yes, beloved.
Two coats of passion pink.
See, I knew it.
That's the night he
spent in her bedroom.
Forget it, Laverne, this
is none of our business.
Now, Andy, honey,
is all the furniture moved in?
Oh, oh, yeah, yes, dearest, yes.
Uh, all I got left is the piano.
He's practically
moved in with her?
I can't hear
another word of this.
No, no, no!
Is this room getting smaller?
Andy, honey, I wanted
that moving finished.
I wish you'd do
what you're told.
For the first time in my life,
Squiggy seems short to me.
Why don't you sit down?
We have so little time together.
Well, now, Andy dear,
maybe if you eat alone
you can think of a way
to budget your time better.
Yes, that's a great
idea. I must be budgeted.
Thank you for taming me.
Good-bye.
B-B-B-Bye. Bye-bye.
Ain't she a peach?
Zip me up.
Who are you calling?
Squiggy.
Somebody has got to set
him straight about that Vivian.
Here.
Who died and made me Dear Abby?
You do it. No, you do it.
Look, I've got to fix
dinner for me and Carmine.
You do it. No, I'm going
out with Ted. I can't do it.
Look, look, look,
look, look, look.
Let's fix up our own lives
and then we'll deal
with Squiggy's, okay?
All right. Okay.
Going out for another
romantic evening with Ted?
Yeah. We're going to drive
around until we run out of gas,
and then we're
going to make out.
You may be driving
around for a long time
before you get to
make out, you know.
Not a chance, Shirl.
I got me a syphon.
Boy, that Laverne,
she knows how to keep the
excitement going in a romance.
Well, tonight,
look out, Carmine,
because tonight, it's
Shirley Whoopee Feeney.
Angel Face?
Come in, you
handsome devil, you!
Close your eyes. I
got a surprise for you.
Oh, a surprise! Oh,
Carmine! Are they closed?
Yes, they're closed.
All right, hold on.
Oh, Carmine, what is it?
Hold on. What is it, what is it?
All right, all right, all right,
hold on. Okay, all right, fine.
You shouldn't have. Don't
peek. Are you peeking?
You didn't need to have a surprise
for me. Okay, don't peek, don't peek.
All right, I can hardly
wait. I'm not peeking.
All right, just a second.
Okay, open your eyes.
Oh, Carmine, oh,
an electrical fireplace!
Oh, Carmine!
Why?
Why?
Well, I thought maybe
we could pretend
that we're in a cabin
up in the mountains.
You know, uh, add a little spice
to our life, you
know? Yeah, yeah.
What do you say we snuggle
up next to the fire, huh?
I-I don't know. I
read this article
where these things
leak radiation sometimes,
and they can mutate you.
Don't worry, this
one's leakproof.
Come on. All right.
Come on. Pretend.
Isn't this nice?
Mm-hmm.
If my hair was
wet, I could dry it.
I brought a bag of
marshmallows to roast. Huh?
Well, what are you gonna do,
lay them on the lightbulb?
They'll melt and smell in here.
They could maybe
ruin this thing.
Could you pretend?
Could you at least
pretend for a little
while, Shirl, huh?
Give me a break here, huh?
Carmine.
Hmm?
Carmine, I think it's
going to take more
than cold marshmallows to
make this work, you know?
Shirl! Oh, at last, I found you.
Maybe I should
have looked here first.
Oh, no, Lenny, no, no, not now.
Please, not now. You
don't have to get up for me.
It's all right. Come on, Len.
Can you come back another time?
This is a bad time
for us here. You're telling me
this is a bad time?! Squiggy
has finally gone mad!
That viper Vivian has
gotten to his mind somehow.
Squiggy's gonna cash in
his dead granny's chips!
Lenny, Lenny, you're
making no sense.
Slow down, will you?
Squiggy's... cashing... in...
his... dead...
granny's... chips.
Not like that. All right.
All right, all right!
Let me put it this way.
Squiggy inherited $400
from his grandma, Priscilla.
Yeah. He was saving that money
to start his own knife-
sharpening business.
But now it looks like
he's gonna blow it
on a, a brand-new, full-color
refrigerator for Vivian.
You got to talk to
him, Shirl, please?
Oh, Lord knows this neighborhood
could use a good
knife-sharpener.
♪ Oh, the world
owes me a living... ♪
Hiya, Shirl.
Hi, Squig.
Len told me you
wanted to talk to me.
I kind of expected it.
Yeah. Well, Squig,
uh, what I have to say
is very important, and,
uh, I don't quite know
how to say it to you.
Of course you don't.
You're a crestfallen woman.
It ain't easy when
the one you love
loves someone else,
but I'll level with you, Shirl.
My lust belongs to Vivian.
Let's forget about your
lust for a minute, shall we?
Whoo! Okay.
Squig, let's you and me, um...
Let's take a walk
down memory lane.
Great! Let's go.
♪ Memory... ♪
Not like that!
Okay. All right.
Squiggy, do you remember
when we were in
the fourth grade?
Which time?
The first time, when you and I
were in the fourth grade
together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You remember Mitchell Lefkowitz,
how he used to bring
candy and comic books
from his father's store?
And how everybody
used to kiss up to him
and try to be his friend,
just so they could get
free candy and comic
books? You remember?
Remember? I'm still his friend.
Still his friend. How sweet.
Well, let me put
it to you this way.
I know that you painted
Vivian's bedroom, okay?
And I know that you
moved her furniture
into her apartment, all right?
Mm-hmm.
But Squig, honestly,
how many times
have you kissed her?
Counting today?
Uh-huh.
None.
She's so pure... and busy.
Yes. Well... Now, how many times
have you held her in your arms?
Shirley, what are
you talking about?
I mean, how can you
hold a free spirit in your arms?
How do you take a moonbeam
and catch it in your hands?
How do you take a rocket
and stick it in your pocket?
How do you grab a porcupine
from the jungle and swallow
it as if it was a cabbage?
I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know, okay?
We'll find out the answer
to those questions
later on, all right?
But, but right now,
just follow me on this.
Okay. Now...
we know that you have
moved her furniture
into her apartment, and that
you have painted her bedroom,
yet she has never
let you kiss her
or hold her in your arms.
Now, Squiggy, what
does that add up to
in your mind? Four.
How can you be so thick?
I hate to be blunt about this,
but the hard, cold fact
is, Vivian's using you!
Now, I'm sorry I had to say
it that way, but it's the truth.
Don't you think I know that?
You know that and
you still let her do it?
I don't understand that, Squig.
Well, of course,
you don't understand,
'cause you always had Carmine,
somebody you could depend upon.
Squiggy, what I
have with Carmine
is not the same as what
you have with Vivian.
Carmine and I,
we base our
relationship on friendship.
I mean, we care about
each other, Squiggy.
Carmine and I really
love each other.
Well, you're lucky.
I guess I am lucky.
That's what I want.
Ooh!
Squiggy, you're not going
to have that with Vivian
because...
because Vivian doesn't
care about you, Squiggy.
You mean nothing to her.
She treats you like garbage.
Oh, so what? It's just
a small price to pay.
When I walk down
the street with Vivian...
I mean, people
look at me different.
They act as if I'm
better than I am.
They think I'm important,
and so if she don't
treat me all that good,
it don't matter.
It does matter! It does!
Because she's taking away
the one thing that
you've always had.
She took Lenny?
No, no, no, no, no.
Sometimes it's so difficult.
She took away your pride.
If there was one thing
Andrew Squigmann always was,
it was a proud man who'd
never humble himself for nobody,
no matter who it was.
Did he die?
Almost. But there's still
time for him to realize
that he's been
humiliating himself
for somebody who's just
treating him like a sucker.
Suck...!
Don't call me no sucker!
Listen, I mean, they, they
called Romeo a sucker,
and look how he turned out.
He killed himself!
He's dead, too?
Yeah!
Well, I ain't listening to you
no more, Shirley Feeney.
I mean, you're the only one
who sees that stuff
that way, just you!
No, it's not just me!
Everybody sees it.
Squiggy, Laverne sees it.
Why, even Lenny sees it.
Lenny sees what
I tell him to see,
and the rest of youse just
keep your eyes out of it.
Look, Squig, I'm sorry I
had to say these things,
I know that they hurt you,
but, please, promise me,
promise me you'll
think about it.
Think about it? Think about it?
With what?!
So, how are things going
with you and Carmine?
Things picking up?
Things are getting very hot.
Last night Carmine came back,
and we took a drive down to
Skolnik's Pond... in the dark.
And then?
And then we got out
and sat on the ground.
And then?
And then... all night long,
we listened to the crickets.
Well, that's nice.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Len.
Anybody feel like taking a ride
down to the fertilizer factory?
Today's the day they
steam-ream the pits.
Oh, okay, well, why
don't you go with Squiggy?
Oh, well, uh...
I don't know. I...
We don't share the
good times anymore.
Hi.
Has anybody seen my Andy?
He's our Squiggy,
and what's it to you?
Well, he's late with my money.
Your money? Why you bloodsucker!
No, no, Laverne,
come on, come on.
Let Squiggy
handle this, will you?
It is none of your business
if the little twerp wants
to buy me a refrigerator.
Little twerp!
Come on, Laverne,
come on, come on!
What's going on here?
Vivian, are you all right?
Andy, my hero.
Ohh... did you bring the money?
Bring the money?
Bring the money... Oh,
please, Andy Pandy,
I want that refrigerator.
Well...
Well...
No!
What am I to you?
What do I look like?
Just your little Sqiggy bank?
You take my love
and you'd just trade it in
for an avocado Frigidaire.
Well, I got news for you,
Miss Vivian McCafferty.
You ain't good enough
for Andrew Squigmann.
So why don't you just... flee?
Well!
Oh, that was great!
Squiggy, you were so good!
Yeah, terrific.
Oh, Squig!
That was just great.
You were so... so
smart and so grown-up,
but could I have permission
to just smack her one?
Please? No, no, no.
She suffered enough, Laverne.
She'll probably go
home and cry her hair out.
Say, Shirley, uh, could I
talk to you for a minute?
Yes, Squig?
I just wanted to say...
thanks for everything.
Oh, well, thank you, Squig,
'cause you really helped
me and Carmine out.
Listen, what say I let you take
me down and buy me a soda?
Buy me a soda!
Buy me a Frigidaire!
Cry me a river!
You women are all the same!
Gee, Carmine, this sure has
been a terrific afternoon, hasn't it?
Yeah, Shirl. Nothing beats
a thrilling game of Parcheesi.
Boy, when you rolled
those two doubles in a row,
it took my breath away.
And you thought I was
boring, huh? Huh, huh, huh?
Two people who
care about each other
as much as we do
can never be boring.
I think I'm getting
a bit thrilled.
There's no doubt
about it, Carmine,
we have to be the two
most exciting people
on all of Knapp Street.
Hi, Shirl! Hi, Carmine!
Guess what? I just helped
Ted put out a four-alarm fire!
I saved three kids and
a collie all by myself.
Well, you'll read about it
in the papers tomorrow.
It's your move.
You got any warm milk?
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪