Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 19 - Fire Show - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I sure ain't looking forward

to freezing my hiney off
in that ice cold bed tonight.

You know what we
need, Shirl? What?

An electric blanket...
or a husband.

Yeah. Someday we'll have both.

Do you want the
skim, or can I...? No.

Okay, I'll take it. Here we go.

As far as tonight's
concerned, however,

I am going to be
snug as a bug in a rug.

How come?

Because I am going
to plug the waffle iron in

and tuck it safely
between my sheets.

What about me?

What? What?

Well, I want them little square
things on my sheets, too.

Oh, Laverne, if you will recall,

we bought this waffle
iron with my Green Stamps.

Yeah, well if you recall,

I was the one who wound
up licking all ten books

because your tongue dried up
after the first two pages, huh?

Huh? Huh?

All right, okay, you big baby,

you can have it first.

Boy, oh, boy, Laverne,

taking advantage of
overactive spit glands.

I tell you.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Okay, okay.

The pizza from my father?

Is that a yes, or
are you just cold?

Both.

Well, then get in here.

What are you standing there for?

Here, give me that, would you?

Carmine, what took you
so long, for Pete's sake?

Carmine, in weather like
this, you must get here faster.

I tried, I tried. It
took me 15 minutes

before I realized the "Don't
Walk" sign was fr-frozen.

What's the matter,

you got frostbite
between your earmuffs?

Oh, look at you.

You poor thing, you're
shaking like a leaf.

Well, come on, let's get
your blood circulating.

Come here.

Oh, you're so cold!

Oh, you're so warm.

You're so cold! Oh.

You're so warm.

So warm. So warm.

Warm.

Well, well, well, well, well!

And what have
we here, pray tell?

Hmm? Nothing, honest.

I was just helping him get warm.

She was just trying
to warm me up, Shirl.

For you. I mean, you know
how you hate cold hands.

Yes, well, I don't buy that
for one moment, now, do I?

I'm so surprised
at the both of you.

I mean, we all know the rules.

Never touch Carmine!

Look, I didn't mean
to start trouble.

Uh, why don't I
just go back outside

and, uh, let Jack Frost
nip at my nose, huh?

Yes. Well, we'll talk
about this later, won't we?

I swear, I swear, the
man was half froze.

I don't care if the man had
icicles hanging off his nose.

Laverne, there are
some people in this world

you just don't touch!

Hello.

Look, we got to leave all
our valuables here on account

of the Board of Health is
having that Babish woman

spray our apartment with
this deadly insecticide.

Yeah, all on account of
a little swarm of locusts.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

You are not leaving that
stuff in our living room.

All right, it'll
probably be safer

under your bed anyway.

Lenny, Leonard,
Leonard, no, no, no, no.

How many times do
we have to tell you,

don't go in our bedroom, huh?

All right, I don't want

to go in there
anyway... It's too smoky.

Holy smoke!

The waffle iron!

The smoke means
your waffle is ready.

Help! Fire!

Fire! Help! Fire! Fire!

Help! Help! Fire!

Fire!

Fire! Help!

Fire!

Would you get some water?!

Water. Water, right!

Okay, fine.

Uh, would you like water,
or would you prefer juice?

Anything as long as it's wet!

Get the hose, the
hose, the hose!

The hose, the hose.

A fire... Fire!

All right, okay, okay, okay.

Shirl, those people
are never home.

I know, I know, just calm
down, just calm down.

You call the Fire Department,
and I'll collect our valuables.

Right!

Hello, Operator, get
me the Fire Department.

Hello, Fire Department?

This is Laverne DeFazio.

Yeah, seven... 730 Knapp Street.

Yes, I'll hold.

Where is it? Where is it?

You put out the fire,

I'll go feed you
the rest of the hose.

Gotcha! Stand aside, Laverne.

This is man's work.

Well, it'll be
real easy to find.

It's the only building on fire!

Here's the rest of
the hose, Squig.

Thank you.

Uh, do you think
you could hurry?

We got a couple of
idiots helping us right now.

Thank you. Okay, the Fire
Department's on its way.

Did you get all our stuff?

Yes! I got Boo Boo
Kitty, Poo Poo Puppy

and the Feeney
family album. Let's go.

What about my stuff?

But I love this album
so much... Okay...

All right. Don't
make that noise.

Come on, boys, let's go!

Squig, Squig, are you okay?

I've been singed, Len.

Did you see that
cute fireman that's still

in the bedroom?

Well, girls...

it's not often you find a
waffle iron between the sheets.

I just love breakfast
in bed, don't you?

Shirley Feeney.

Hi.

Charmed.

Laverne DeFazio.

Ow!

Available.

Hi.

I'm Ted Nelson, fireman.

Oh.

You know, you girls got a lot

of potential fire
hazards around here.

Laverne, how many
times have I told you

to get rid of those
fire hazards?

Listen, where
would you like this?

Oh, just put it on
the coffee table there.

Listen, if you'd like, I'd be
glad to come by tomorrow

and give you and
your fellow tenants

a little talk on
fire prevention.

Could I have a private lesson?

I'll gather up everybody
I can in the building.

We'll glue it on.
We'll glue it on.

We'll glue it on. Put it away.

I'm sure that you'll find

that I can be of
great assistance.

Fire prevention is
my middle name.

Wilhomena is your middle name.

Must you tell everybody?

My mother's name is Wilhomena.

My nickname was Wilhomena.

It was not! It was not!

It never was Wilhomena! I
never called you Wilhomena,

and I've known you
since the eighth grade.

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Listen.

I'm sure we can settle
this, say tomorrow at 1:00?

Okay. All right.

And remember,
where there's smoke,

there's Ted Nelson, fireman.

I know what you're thinking,

and just forget it,
'cause you got Carmine.

Oh, no.

Carmine and I have
an understanding.

I'm allowed to date other men,

and he's allowed
to date ugly women.

Look, look.

Let's not make a big
to-do out of this, okay?

Okay.

Tomorrow when Ted
comes... Mm-hmm.

Just let him pick which one
of us he likes better, deal?

Deal.

Okay, are there
any questions so far?

Uh, I used to be a
voluntary fireman

before the war.

No kidding?

Frank, that's not a question.

I didn't get to my question yet.

My question is, do you
want to hear about it?

No. No.

Well, someday you're
going to be pretty sorry,

I'll tell you that.

Okay, well, what I'd like
to talk about next is, uh...

fire extinguishers.

Would someone mind
getting that one for me?

I will! I will! I will!

I'll get it. Give it
to me, will you?

I'll get it! I'll
get it! I'll get it!

Who died and made you
fire extinguisher monitor?

Wait a minute!

I'll get it for...

I'm sorry, Pop.

I'm real sorry.

I'm so sorry, Pop.

I'm real sorry, Pop, I mean it.

We'll have dinner all next week.

How about that?

Please, Pop?
Please don't get mad.

Frank, where are you going?

Home.

I'm going to shave my sweater.

We're so sorry

we've ruined your
fire extinguisher.

Perhaps we could make do
with a can of whipped cream.

I don't think so. No.

What I'd like to do now is, uh,
move on to rescue procedures.

We'll start with, uh,
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Any volunteers?

Laverne, how about you?

Oh, my heart...

Please, lie down on
the couch and relax.

Excuse me.

First you place the
victim on her back.

And then you clear the mouth
and throat of any obstructions.

Ah... Ah... All clear.

You missed my Juicy Fruit.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My, my, Laverne,
what a dainty wad.

Next, you, uh,
tilt the head back,

pinch the nose shut,

take a deep breath and blow.

Then you listen for the exhale.

Then you, uh, continue blowing,

12 to 20 times per minute

until the victim is
breathing normally.

All right, okay, okay, okay!

I think we got it now!

I think Mrs. Kolcheck
and I have it.

Why don't you give Mrs. Kolcheck

a chance at it, huh? Huh?

No.

Uh, come on. I
think we've learned it.

My, I... I seem to be on fire.

Oh, me, too. Me, too.

That last part is not required.

However, sometimes...

something magical happens
between firemen and victim.

Maybe I should try
it on you now, huh?

I'll be back tonight at 6:00.

At 6:00?

Tonight. Yeah.

At 6:00?

6:00.

Wait a moment.

Just a minute.

What about us?

Don't play with matches.

How could Ted stand me up?

I blew in his ear.

Well, at least I got Sea Hunt.

Hey, Laverne, shove over.

You're about to miss a slab
of show business history here.

History, channel 13, channel 13.

What are you doing? Come on.

I'm watching Lloyd Bridges.

Lloyd Bridges, London
Bridges, who cares?

Don't you understand?

This is the first time that Bugs
Bunny and Woody Woodpecker

are going to be on the same
television program together.

They're calling
it a "spectacalar."

Well, come on, guys,
you got to get out of here

before my date comes, okay?

So get out.

Oh, Laverne.

Laverne, Laverne...
You poor idiot.

It is 9:30 in the nighttime.

If your date ain't
showed up yet,

then you're being stood up.

Why don't you just
go to your room,

and cry your eyes out?

No. No-no-no-no, what
you need to do is laugh.

Stay here, enjoy the
rabbit and the bird.

No, I don't want to watch that.
No, Lenny, I don't agree with you.

She can't keep her
misery bottled up.

You got to cry, so
come on, Laverne. Cry.

I'm telling you, you
got to laugh, Laverne.

No, no, give me that schnozzle.

No, no, go ahead. Laugh, laugh.

Laugh, Laverne.

No, I don't agree with you.

We've got to make her cry.

Come on, Laverne.
Give in to it. Cry.

Hey, what's going on?

Just a couple of
friends helping Laverne

over a rough patch.
Carmine, help me.

Come on, come on, come
on. Get your hands off of her.

Come on, don't be
animals all your life!

Oh, thank you,
Carmine, thank you.

Well, that's one
way to get rid of her.

Oh, Carmine, they're
driving me crazy.

You got to get me out of here.

All right, all right, all
right, I'll tell you what.

I'll take you and Shirl to
see that new 3-D movie.

Murder at the
Amusement Park. Oh.

Where's Shirl? Uh, she's
out leaving nuts in the trees

for the squirrels who
didn't plan ahead.

That don't surprise me.

Last week she left worms
for the birds that slept late.

Could you take me anyway?

These guys are really
getting to you, huh? Oh...

Ah, sure, why
not, we'll have fun.

Aw, thanks Carmine,
you're a real doll.

I love you.

Ooh, kissy-face, pressy-bod.

I'll say.

Hey, listen guys, Laverne and I

are going to the Bijou,
so, uh, we'll see you later.

You're going to see Murder
at the Amusement Park

in three-dimensions?

What are we waiting for?

Let's go. No! No!

Why not?

It's a free country.

'Cause Carmine and I
want to be alone, all alone.

Okay? BOTH: Alone.

Nobody else. Is that clear?

Yeah, that's clear.

Even a fool could see that.

Yeah, I could see that.

Get back, you
squirrels! Get back!

I told you I ran out
of nuts an hour ago!

At the risk of being
a very bad hostess,

get out of my house.

Remember, I won the toss.

All right, but the next
time somebody's boyfriend

breaks up with
somebody's girlfriend,

I get to tell them. Deal.

Come on, come
on. Let's get moving.

Get your slimy, little
bodies out of here, okay?

Ooh! Ooh!

"Slimy, little bodies."

You know, Shirley, if I was you

I would save your anger
for people what deserve it.

Go ahead, Lenny.

Tell her how Laverne
is out with Carmine.

Laverne... no fair!

What are you talking about?

Laverne is not out with Carmine.

Laverne is out with
Ted Nelson, Fireman.

Now, come on.

Let's get going.

Oh, no. Get out.

No, no, no. Get down.

Carmine has been stolen
by your best friend, Laverne.

What?

They was hugging and kissing.

And making goo-goo
eyes at each other.

Oh, pshaw, pshaw.

Laverne, hugging and
kissing with Carmine?

I did catch them
hugging the other night.

But she said that
she was just...

I have fallen for the old
"cold boyfriend" routine.

That ain't all you've
fallen for, sister. What?

I'll give you
Laverne's exact words.

I'll even "coat" her.

What did she say?

"Carmine and I want to be alone.

All alone."

And then she
added, "I love you."

Yeah, we got a lot
more tidbits for you,

but you seem to be full.

Let's get going,
Squig. Going, shall we?

No, you don't. Come
on, please. Whoa!

Where did they go? Did they
say where they were going?

Did she say anything else?

What did he say to her exactly?

Do you remember? Where are they?

Gee, Lenny, it
seems like our bodies

ain't so slimy no more.

Ain't that true, Shirley?

Say it.

Of course not.

Of course your
bodies aren't slimy.

It's only an expression I used.

In that case,
Carmine and Laverne

went down to the Bijou Theater.

Bijou Theater! There you go.

All right, get your
slimy bodies out of here.

I can't believe it.

How could she do this to me?

Wait a minute, before you go

to the Bijou, I
got a better plan.

What? Why don't we
all wait here for Laverne.

Then when she comes in,
let's cut off her air supply.

No, no.

No, no, you run along.

I can handle this by myself.

Boy! I just can't believe this.

First she takes Ted,
then she takes Carmine.

After all, I love Laverne.

I've loved her
like my own sister.

Like my own lying, cheating,

snake in the grass sister.

Who is it? Ted Nelson, Fireman.

Well, hello, Ted.
Won't you come in?

Hi, Shirl. Is Laverne around?

Why, no, she's not.

She's out with another man.

Well, it serves me right.

I got stuck in a big fire and
I couldn't get to a phone.

Oh, you poor boy. Yeah.

You know what I
find very relaxing

after a tough
day of firefighting?

A 3-D movie. What
do you say, huh?

There's one playing
down at the Bijou.

Well, I don't know.
Come on, you'll love it.

They've got this great,
big asbestos curtain.

Alfred, walk faster.

Here comes Guido.

Perhaps we could lose
him on the roller coaster.

Alfred, look up ahead,
lying on the track.

A keg of dynamite!

Jump, Alfred, jump!

Ooh, I'm so scared, Carmine!

Alfred, we owe our lives
to a bad batch of dynamite.

You hungry, want some popcorn?

If you're hungry, I'll
buy you some Milk Duds.

Shirl, what are you doing?

Being sexy, like it or lump it.

Would you get off me?

Carmine, this is
for your own good.

Angel Face.

Carmine.

Laverne.

Ted.

Cut it out!

Get off of me!

I'm Ted Nelson, fireman.

Carmine Ragusa, dancer.

Hey, do you think we
ought to break this up?

Not... I want to find out
who killed the fat lady.

I promise, next time I
get stuck at a big fire,

I'll get to a phone.

Next time, let
the building burn.

Isn't it nice things
are back to normal?

Does this mean I got
to take a cold shower?

Clean body, clean mind.

The hands, the hands...

Oh, the hands, the hands.

Well, good night.

Good night, sweetheart.

Mm, good night.

Good night.

Whew!

What a great
couple of guys, huh?

Yeah, what a
stupid couple of girls.

Gee, Shirl, I'm sorry.

This whole thing
tonight was my fault.

I should have never gone
to the movies with Carmine.

I mean he is your
boyfriend and all.

Aw, Laverne, it's just as
much my fault as it is yours.

I mean, thinking
you'd steal Carmine.

I mean, I'm always saying,

"Don't touch Carmine,
don't touch Carmine."

Yeah, you do kind of
sound like a broken record.

Well... you going to keep those?

All right.

Well, no more.

From now on, I
trust you completely.

And I trust you.

Pinky swear.

Come on, let's
hit the hay. Yeah.

I think I got this popcorn.

I have no hay.

You burned my hay.

Well, okay, all right.

I'll hit the hay and...
you hit the ashes.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪