Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 15 - Who's Papa? - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Would you hurry up, Laverne?
I've been sitting
out in the car so long
I steamed up the
windows all by myself.
I'm doing important
stuff here, Shirl.
Look. A new sign and new locks.
Very nice, very nice.
Now would you hurry up?
Because I'd like to be
home when Bobby gets there.
Shirl, he's only your brother.
It ain't like Elvis was coming.
What are you doing anyway?
Three boxes of bubble gum
have been stolen out of here
in the last two weeks, and it
ain't going to happen again.
Well, would you please hurry up?
Please, because I
haven't seen my brother
in over two years.
Shirl, at least
you got a brother.
All I got is gum.
I don't think you seem
to realize how close
we were, Laverne.
I mean, we were
practically like twins.
Mother used to
even dress us alike.
Oh, Bobby must have
looked real cute in a pinafore.
Oh, don't be stupid.
She never put him in a dress.
I, however, had
a very attractive
little seersucker sports coat.
Are you coming now?
Yes, I'm coming
now. Just a second.
All right.
Okay.
Did you wear a tie, too?
Just a bow tie, nothing flashy.
Hi, girls.
Bye, boys. Bye.
Bye. Very nice to see you.
The coast is clear.
All right, let's do it.
It's a dirty job, but it...
Be careful, Len.
"Vicious dog inside."
That can only mean one thing:
there's a vicious dog inside.
I don't hear nothing,
though. Maybe he's asleep.
Okay, let me do the dirty work.
This is where all
that, uh, training
I got in reform
school will pay off.
Squig, I've got it.
Got what?
I've got to open the thing here.
Oh, you've got the... Scram.
That's to keep your
mouth shut. Good dog.
Let's all help set
up the cot, okay?
Bobby will be here any minute.
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it! It's my
brother! It's Bobby!
Hi-yo, Feeney!
That's the Feeney family hello!
Feeney, hi-yo!
Oh, Bobby!
Whoa...! Whoa...!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a gal!
Whoa...! Whoa...!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a guy!
What a gal! What a guy!
I'm sorry.
Where's little Bobby?
It's me, Mr. DeFazio.
If you're little Bobby,
I'm the Pope of England.
Come on. I just
grew up. That's all.
Laverne...! Bobby!
Boy, did you grow up good.
Yeah, too good.
Where are you staying?
Here.
It's only for two days.
And a couple of nights.
Forget it.
What?
Frank, where are you going?
I'm going to go to the
hotel and get him a room.
He ain't staying here.
I remember when
he came up to here.
Now he's got way up to there.
He ain't staying here
while she's sleeping in there!
Capisce?
Oh, no! LAVERNE: I'm sorry.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I can talk him into
letting me stay here.
It's gonna be
rough, but I'll do it.
Okay.
Bye-o, Feeney.
Feeney, bye-yo!
That's the Feeney
family farewell.
Boy, did he grow up cute.
Blonde hair, blue
eyes and a sailor suit.
It's amazing.
I've never seen a brother
and sister look less alike.
What are you talking about?
There's Betty Rugetti
over on Hill Street.
Her and her brother
don't look anything alike.
That's because Betty
Rugetti is adopted.
Oh. Well, maybe
that's it, Shirl.
Maybe you're adopted.
Don't be stupid.
I'm not adopted.
A family with four children
does not adopt a fifth.
You're an only child.
If anybody was
adopted, it was you.
I was not adopted.
Was so.
Was so. Was not.
Was not! Was so!
Was so! Was not!
Stop it, you two.
I, I simply said it's unusual
for a brother and sister
to look so different.
Well, I can prove
I wasn't adopted.
I'll just get the Feeney
family album, that's all.
Oh, you don't have
to do that, Shirl.
I don't want to look
at that album again.
Come on, ladies. Come on, okay.
Let's sit down.
Laverne right here,
Mrs. B, right there.
Now we'll see who's
adopted and who's not, okay?
Oh, I love this album so much!
And the pictures are so
beautiful of my family, ooh...
Isn't that a pretty sound?
She does that every
time she opens the book.
Oh, the, oh, here's
a wonderful picture
of the Feeney family on...
Navy day. Navy day.
There's Bobby and me. I was
six and he was seven.
Six and he was seven.
And see, we're in
our little matching
sailor suits. Sailor suits.
Just as cute as...
bug's ears! Bug's ears!
Oh, here's my Uncle Kevin...
Oh, hey, he's blonde.
And he looks 6'2".
Yes, and here's my Aunt Anna.
She's blonde and 6'2" also.
And here's the whole
Feeney clan right there.
They're all blonde and 6'2".
No. Here's, uh, here's a
short man with dark hair.
That's you.
What?
Yeah, you're wearing
your little seersucker
sports jacket.
Oh.
Well, I'll just go right
to the back of the book
and prove I wasn't adopted.
Here are the Feeney
family birth announcements.
There's all my brothers'
birth announcements.
There's Robert's, and Michael's,
and Timothy's and Christopher's.
Okay, okay, where's mine?
Where's Shirley's
announcement...?
What's the matter?
Well, let's see, Timothy,
Robert, Christopher, Michael.
Maybe I wasn't announced.
Maybe you were a surprise.
Maybe I was adopted.
They never would
have given you the book.
Ah... Maybe my
mother was a gypsy.
I mean, I've always had a flair
for the tambourine, you know.
Oh, Shirl, you're
not still upset
about this adopted
thing, are you?
No, no, of course I'm not.
Of course not.
What were you doing
the day I was born?
The day I was born,
what were you doing?
What do you remember?
I was only 14 months old.
Sleeping, burping,
waving bye-bye.
Take it easy, Shirl! Gee!
A missing birth announcement
ain't proof of nothing.
And there's a lot
worse things in life
other than being adopted.
Hello.
Boy, are we glad we're here.
Yeah, we've got writer's
cramp of the brain here.
Mm-hmm.
We're trying to
enter the "Win A Date
"with Miss Milwaukee
Public Transit" contest
and we're stuck.
Uh, well, not now, guys.
See, Shirley's brother's
visiting from out of town, so...
How ya doing?
I'm sorry. This is for
Milwaukee residents only.
Tough luck, shorty.
I called him "shorty."
Get on with it! Get on with it!
All right, all right, all right,
It's only going to take a minute
of your time, so listen to us.
See, the idea of the contest
is to say in 25 words or less
why you want to go out
with the queen of the buses.
And we think we've
almost got it. We're not sure.
Now go ahead, Len,
show them what we've got.
"We want to go out with
Miss Milwaukee Public Transit
"because she is really,
really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really stacked."
True, it's a great letter,
but that's 26 words.
We got to make it 25.
We don't know
how to cut it down.
Why don't you just cut
out one of the "reallys"?
Oh, genius over there.
You don't understand, Laverne.
This girl is
Really, really,
really, really...
Get out of here!
Get out! Get them out of here!
Get out! Out, out!
Come on, guys.
Get out of here.
Shirley is upset.
Hey, who died and
ate her breakfast?
Uh, she's just in one
of her moods today.
She thinks she's adopted, so...
Oh, boy, even we got parents.
You hear that?! You hear that?!
Even they got parents!
They know who their parents are!
They know who their parents are!
Stop it!
Now, Robert's your brother.
He always was and
he always will be.
Let me see that thing.
Oh, pish-posh, Laverne.
I've been doing some
heavy-duty thinking
and Robert and I
don't look a thing alike.
Stand up, Robert.
Stand up just for
a minute, okay?
Look at his hair.
Look at his hair.
His is blonde. Mine is brown.
Mine is brown.
And look, look at his skin.
His complexion...
His is ruddy; I'm pale.
So am I.
And look at his height!
Look at his height: he's tall.
I'm puny!
And I'm stocky.
You know, there was
always this rumor in my family
about my baby sister
being traded in for a Pontiac.
Oh, Shirley, the things
I dreamt I did with you
I dreamt I did with my sister?
Unclean!
Oh, gee, Squig, would
you come over here?
She's depressed enough
without being related to you.
Oh, Robert!
Oh, Lenny. Unclean!
Stop it, all of you. Come on.
See if she has the
Squiggman birthmark!
Shirl, would you
take off your clothes?
Get out of here!
You can't miss it.
It's just this big red blotch
shaped like Abraham Lincoln.
Get out!
Boy, I always wanted
a sister, you know?
While you're looking,
why don't you check
for the Kosnowski cold sores.
Out!
Oh, and say, Shirl,
why don't you send
Mom some money?
She hasn't been well.
Now I'll never get
to know who I am!
Just never, never, never!
I'll just look through
the album again.
Oh, not the album, Shirl.
Oh, I love this album!
I love it even though I may
not be related to these people!
See, I know you're a Feeney.
You got that Feeney spunk.
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a gal!
Oh, knock it off,
will you, Bobby?
Knock it off!
Let's face it!
I'm just like Little
Orphan Annie.
Next thing you know,
I'll lose my eyeballs.
Maybe you'll just get a dog.
Okay, we're both
born in Milwaukee.
The hospital must have records.
That's right. Tomorrow
we'll go down to the hospital
and we'll straighten
this whole thing out
once and for all, okay? Really?
Oh, thanks, Laverne. Thank you.
I mean it's bad
enough not knowing
if I'm Shirley Feeney,
but to think I could
be Shirley Squiggman!
Excuse me.
I'm here to look
at my birth records.
Were you born here?
Yes, yes, I was.
Then why do you need
to see your records?
Because I want to see the name
of the doctor who delivered me.
Yeah, it's been a good life,
and she wants to send
him a little thank-you note.
The hospital is no
place for practical jokes.
Now I have work to do, girls.
I'm going to get her.
I'll handle this.
I'll handle this.
Just step aside. Step aside.
I can see that you're
obviously a woman
of superior intelligence
and breeding,
and I love that little bun.
I'll confess,
I'm here to find out if
I was adopted or not.
Oh, well, that's
a different story.
The records are down that hall
and through the maternity wing.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hold it. Back, back,
back, back, back, back.
Adopted people are not
allowed to look at their records.
Adopted people! Adopted people!
She knows, she
knows I'm adopted!
Oh, now, calm down.
See how upset you got her?
The only people allowed there
are doctors and
expectant mothers.
Well, I expect to be a mother.
Out.
Both of you, out. Out, out.
Out, out, out, out.
I can take her, Shirl.
Okay, the coast
is clear. Come on.
This is crazy.
Hello, hello.
I'm Dr. Feeney, and this
is my patient Miss DeFazio,
a girl who has loved and lost.
Some call her a tramp.
Some call her a bimbo.
Up here we'll just call
her one of the girls, huh?
Well, he said he'd come back.
What are you telling them?
Oh, I just want to
cover our tracks.
These women aren't
fools, you know.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Yes? Yes?
Do you know when the
stork is going to bring me
my little baby?
Boy, there's a smart one.
Don't you worry about the stork.
We'll check that cabbage
patch soon enough.
Let's get on with this.
Will you walk like a pregnant
lady and not like a kangaroo?
Well, I'm sorry, this is
my first beach ball, okay?
Okay, okay, okay.
There's the records room.
Now we're just
going to go in there
and find out who
Shirley Feeney really is.
What is it?
The battle-axe with the
bun. Let's get out of here.
Young lady, what are
you doing out of bed?
Doctor, I'm very
sorry about this.
I'm sure it won't happen again.
Oh, don't worry about it, Nurse.
She's just fine.
Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, wait a moment.
Wait a moment.
Not everything is fine, though.
I've had some complaints, Nurse,
about dirty bedpans.
I'd like every one of
them spic-and-span.
Yes, Doctor, I'll have Nurse
Krevsky here take care of it right away.
No, no, Nurse.
I want you to take care of it.
And now.
Doctor, we haven't met yet.
I'm friendly Nurse
Krevsky, the doctors' pal?
Oh, very nice to meet you, pal.
Excuse me.
No, I don't think
you understand.
Nine out of ten
doctors recommend me.
Oh, that's very nice.
Good for you. Good for you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I
have to get back to my patient.
Oh, that's all right.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Oh, great, great.
I'll meet you in the
lounge in ten minutes
and, uh... we'll have...
Well, thank you,
but I'm not that kind
of a girl... guy... doctor.
Cute.
Oh, my, my.
I could have died!
I could have died!
She kissed you right
there. I could have died!
You watch out for my baby!
Son of a beeswax, son
of a beeswax, it's locked!
Okay, all right, calm down.
Calm down. Now, all right.
We've come this
far, all right, okay.
If you can't go through it,
we'll just go over it.
That's all. We'll just...
What are you talking about?
You're going to go
through the transom.
What are you talking about?
Okay, all right,
now get up on this.
Oh, good, I need
to lie down, Shirl.
No, don't lie down. I'm so
scared of this whole thing.
I want you to stand up and go
through that transom, will you?
Why me?
Because I have to
explain to these women
what you're about
to do, that's why.
Ladies, ladies, Miss DeFazio
is about to climb
through this transom.
Pay no attention
to her whatsoever.
She is two weeks overdue
and afraid of heights.
The idea here... to scare
the baby into leaving the body.
All right, Miss
DeFazio, go ahead.
Hope it's a boy.
All right?
Okay...
Kick out... kick, push
yourself through, just... push.
I can't, Shirl!
Well, push higher.
No, it's too high, no, no, no.
Oh, Shirl, I'm stuck!
I'm stuck in here, Shirl!
Okay, all right.
Bring your feet down.
Bring your feet down.
Now I can't get in or out!
Come down. I'm
gonna pull you out.
I'm going to pull you out, okay?
Push! Push! Push!
Push! Push!
What's going on here?
Holy cow... How do you do?
I'm Dr. Feeney.
I'm sure you've read about
this new method of childbirth
in National Geographic.
Who's that?
Oh, that's my
patient, Miss DeFazio.
She's, uh, two weeks overdue.
Well, congratulations,
Miss DeFazio.
You've just given birth to a
bouncing baby beach ball.
Will you please stop
bouncing that ball?
Why? What's the matter?
You think we're in big trouble?
Not we, me.
I'm the one who was caught
impersonating a doctor.
A thing like that
gets on your record.
You're never able
to work for the FBI.
Come on, Shirl. That doctor ain't
going to cause you any trouble.
Oh, please. He wants to help
you, so would you calm down?
How can I be calm
when I'm about to find out
that my mother may
not have wanted me?
Don't talk like that.
It's true.
It's true, Laverne.
I can't understand it. I
just can't understand it.
You've seen my baby pictures.
I mean why would she
want to give me away. Why?
Was I that ugly a baby?
I knew it. I knew it all along.
Come on, Shirl.
Okay, let's say
you were adopted.
I'm sure... I'm sure your real
mother had a real good reason
for giving you away, and it, it
wasn't because you were ugly.
What was it?
What was it then?
What could it have been?
Well, maybe she was
real young and poor
and she thought by...
giving you away, you might
have a shot at a better life.
It probably was
real hard on her, too.
Especially after she...
after she saw them
dimples of yours.
There they are.
Oh, thanks, Laverne. Thanks.
All right, Miss Feeney,
I've got your file.
Oh, Doctor, I'm so ashamed.
My mother always told me I'd
get in trouble if I played doctor.
That's okay.
Miss Feeney, it's
against the rules,
but, uh, I personally believe
you have a right to know
if you're adopted.
Before you look at your file,
I want to show
you something else.
This is my family.
Nice kids.
Two boys and a girl.
One of them is adopted.
Really?
Which one?
It doesn't matter because
I love them all the same.
Thank you, Doctor.
I'm scared.
I'm too scared.
Shirl, if you find out
that you're adopted,
will you love your
mom and dad any less?
No, no.
Well, then you still got the
same family you always had.
Being adopted don't
make any difference.
Being born is the
easy part of having kids.
It's raising them
and loving them
that counts.
You're right.
You're right.
I want to find out just for
my own sake, you know.
Well?
Well, what?
Were you adopted?
Now it really doesn't
matter, does it?
You said so yourself.
Right.
Come on, Shirl. You
got to tell me, please.
I'm begging you. I had
a beach ball for you.
You can tell me. Come on.
I wasn't adopted.
Darn, I lost money.
You bet on this?
Well, they gave me
two-to-one odds; I had to take it.
You bet on my life?
You bet on...?
How could you bet on
something like that, huh?
Hello.
Wasn't it a beautiful
ceremony, Laverne?
Uh-huh.
All those dedicated
young men going off to sea.
I was so proud of Robert.
Yeah.
You're going to miss him, huh?
Uh-huh.
Yeah... What's the matter?
You're all broken up
'cause he's gone, huh?
No, I got swollen lips.
It ain't easy kissing
2,000 sailors good-bye.
But it was worth it.
They did paint your face
on the side of the ship.
Here you go, little man.
Look at this poor guy.
He, he's really
down in his mouth.
What's wrong, boys?
He just heard the news
that he ain't your sister.
Well, don't feel bad.
I'm sure there's a girl
out there somewhere
with the Squiggman birthmark.
Just think of the fun
you'll have trying to find it.
And say, here's more good news.
Now you and Shirley
can get married.
That's right.
Now we don't have to worry
about our children being morons.
I'd still worry.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Would you hurry up, Laverne?
I've been sitting
out in the car so long
I steamed up the
windows all by myself.
I'm doing important
stuff here, Shirl.
Look. A new sign and new locks.
Very nice, very nice.
Now would you hurry up?
Because I'd like to be
home when Bobby gets there.
Shirl, he's only your brother.
It ain't like Elvis was coming.
What are you doing anyway?
Three boxes of bubble gum
have been stolen out of here
in the last two weeks, and it
ain't going to happen again.
Well, would you please hurry up?
Please, because I
haven't seen my brother
in over two years.
Shirl, at least
you got a brother.
All I got is gum.
I don't think you seem
to realize how close
we were, Laverne.
I mean, we were
practically like twins.
Mother used to
even dress us alike.
Oh, Bobby must have
looked real cute in a pinafore.
Oh, don't be stupid.
She never put him in a dress.
I, however, had
a very attractive
little seersucker sports coat.
Are you coming now?
Yes, I'm coming
now. Just a second.
All right.
Okay.
Did you wear a tie, too?
Just a bow tie, nothing flashy.
Hi, girls.
Bye, boys. Bye.
Bye. Very nice to see you.
The coast is clear.
All right, let's do it.
It's a dirty job, but it...
Be careful, Len.
"Vicious dog inside."
That can only mean one thing:
there's a vicious dog inside.
I don't hear nothing,
though. Maybe he's asleep.
Okay, let me do the dirty work.
This is where all
that, uh, training
I got in reform
school will pay off.
Squig, I've got it.
Got what?
I've got to open the thing here.
Oh, you've got the... Scram.
That's to keep your
mouth shut. Good dog.
Let's all help set
up the cot, okay?
Bobby will be here any minute.
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it! It's my
brother! It's Bobby!
Hi-yo, Feeney!
That's the Feeney family hello!
Feeney, hi-yo!
Oh, Bobby!
Whoa...! Whoa...!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a gal!
Whoa...! Whoa...!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a guy! What a guy!
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a guy!
What a gal! What a guy!
I'm sorry.
Where's little Bobby?
It's me, Mr. DeFazio.
If you're little Bobby,
I'm the Pope of England.
Come on. I just
grew up. That's all.
Laverne...! Bobby!
Boy, did you grow up good.
Yeah, too good.
Where are you staying?
Here.
It's only for two days.
And a couple of nights.
Forget it.
What?
Frank, where are you going?
I'm going to go to the
hotel and get him a room.
He ain't staying here.
I remember when
he came up to here.
Now he's got way up to there.
He ain't staying here
while she's sleeping in there!
Capisce?
Oh, no! LAVERNE: I'm sorry.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I can talk him into
letting me stay here.
It's gonna be
rough, but I'll do it.
Okay.
Bye-o, Feeney.
Feeney, bye-yo!
That's the Feeney
family farewell.
Boy, did he grow up cute.
Blonde hair, blue
eyes and a sailor suit.
It's amazing.
I've never seen a brother
and sister look less alike.
What are you talking about?
There's Betty Rugetti
over on Hill Street.
Her and her brother
don't look anything alike.
That's because Betty
Rugetti is adopted.
Oh. Well, maybe
that's it, Shirl.
Maybe you're adopted.
Don't be stupid.
I'm not adopted.
A family with four children
does not adopt a fifth.
You're an only child.
If anybody was
adopted, it was you.
I was not adopted.
Was so.
Was so. Was not.
Was not! Was so!
Was so! Was not!
Stop it, you two.
I, I simply said it's unusual
for a brother and sister
to look so different.
Well, I can prove
I wasn't adopted.
I'll just get the Feeney
family album, that's all.
Oh, you don't have
to do that, Shirl.
I don't want to look
at that album again.
Come on, ladies. Come on, okay.
Let's sit down.
Laverne right here,
Mrs. B, right there.
Now we'll see who's
adopted and who's not, okay?
Oh, I love this album so much!
And the pictures are so
beautiful of my family, ooh...
Isn't that a pretty sound?
She does that every
time she opens the book.
Oh, the, oh, here's
a wonderful picture
of the Feeney family on...
Navy day. Navy day.
There's Bobby and me. I was
six and he was seven.
Six and he was seven.
And see, we're in
our little matching
sailor suits. Sailor suits.
Just as cute as...
bug's ears! Bug's ears!
Oh, here's my Uncle Kevin...
Oh, hey, he's blonde.
And he looks 6'2".
Yes, and here's my Aunt Anna.
She's blonde and 6'2" also.
And here's the whole
Feeney clan right there.
They're all blonde and 6'2".
No. Here's, uh, here's a
short man with dark hair.
That's you.
What?
Yeah, you're wearing
your little seersucker
sports jacket.
Oh.
Well, I'll just go right
to the back of the book
and prove I wasn't adopted.
Here are the Feeney
family birth announcements.
There's all my brothers'
birth announcements.
There's Robert's, and Michael's,
and Timothy's and Christopher's.
Okay, okay, where's mine?
Where's Shirley's
announcement...?
What's the matter?
Well, let's see, Timothy,
Robert, Christopher, Michael.
Maybe I wasn't announced.
Maybe you were a surprise.
Maybe I was adopted.
They never would
have given you the book.
Ah... Maybe my
mother was a gypsy.
I mean, I've always had a flair
for the tambourine, you know.
Oh, Shirl, you're
not still upset
about this adopted
thing, are you?
No, no, of course I'm not.
Of course not.
What were you doing
the day I was born?
The day I was born,
what were you doing?
What do you remember?
I was only 14 months old.
Sleeping, burping,
waving bye-bye.
Take it easy, Shirl! Gee!
A missing birth announcement
ain't proof of nothing.
And there's a lot
worse things in life
other than being adopted.
Hello.
Boy, are we glad we're here.
Yeah, we've got writer's
cramp of the brain here.
Mm-hmm.
We're trying to
enter the "Win A Date
"with Miss Milwaukee
Public Transit" contest
and we're stuck.
Uh, well, not now, guys.
See, Shirley's brother's
visiting from out of town, so...
How ya doing?
I'm sorry. This is for
Milwaukee residents only.
Tough luck, shorty.
I called him "shorty."
Get on with it! Get on with it!
All right, all right, all right,
It's only going to take a minute
of your time, so listen to us.
See, the idea of the contest
is to say in 25 words or less
why you want to go out
with the queen of the buses.
And we think we've
almost got it. We're not sure.
Now go ahead, Len,
show them what we've got.
"We want to go out with
Miss Milwaukee Public Transit
"because she is really,
really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really stacked."
True, it's a great letter,
but that's 26 words.
We got to make it 25.
We don't know
how to cut it down.
Why don't you just cut
out one of the "reallys"?
Oh, genius over there.
You don't understand, Laverne.
This girl is
Really, really,
really, really...
Get out of here!
Get out! Get them out of here!
Get out! Out, out!
Come on, guys.
Get out of here.
Shirley is upset.
Hey, who died and
ate her breakfast?
Uh, she's just in one
of her moods today.
She thinks she's adopted, so...
Oh, boy, even we got parents.
You hear that?! You hear that?!
Even they got parents!
They know who their parents are!
They know who their parents are!
Stop it!
Now, Robert's your brother.
He always was and
he always will be.
Let me see that thing.
Oh, pish-posh, Laverne.
I've been doing some
heavy-duty thinking
and Robert and I
don't look a thing alike.
Stand up, Robert.
Stand up just for
a minute, okay?
Look at his hair.
Look at his hair.
His is blonde. Mine is brown.
Mine is brown.
And look, look at his skin.
His complexion...
His is ruddy; I'm pale.
So am I.
And look at his height!
Look at his height: he's tall.
I'm puny!
And I'm stocky.
You know, there was
always this rumor in my family
about my baby sister
being traded in for a Pontiac.
Oh, Shirley, the things
I dreamt I did with you
I dreamt I did with my sister?
Unclean!
Oh, gee, Squig, would
you come over here?
She's depressed enough
without being related to you.
Oh, Robert!
Oh, Lenny. Unclean!
Stop it, all of you. Come on.
See if she has the
Squiggman birthmark!
Shirl, would you
take off your clothes?
Get out of here!
You can't miss it.
It's just this big red blotch
shaped like Abraham Lincoln.
Get out!
Boy, I always wanted
a sister, you know?
While you're looking,
why don't you check
for the Kosnowski cold sores.
Out!
Oh, and say, Shirl,
why don't you send
Mom some money?
She hasn't been well.
Now I'll never get
to know who I am!
Just never, never, never!
I'll just look through
the album again.
Oh, not the album, Shirl.
Oh, I love this album!
I love it even though I may
not be related to these people!
See, I know you're a Feeney.
You got that Feeney spunk.
What a gal! What a gal!
What a gal! What a gal!
Oh, knock it off,
will you, Bobby?
Knock it off!
Let's face it!
I'm just like Little
Orphan Annie.
Next thing you know,
I'll lose my eyeballs.
Maybe you'll just get a dog.
Okay, we're both
born in Milwaukee.
The hospital must have records.
That's right. Tomorrow
we'll go down to the hospital
and we'll straighten
this whole thing out
once and for all, okay? Really?
Oh, thanks, Laverne. Thank you.
I mean it's bad
enough not knowing
if I'm Shirley Feeney,
but to think I could
be Shirley Squiggman!
Excuse me.
I'm here to look
at my birth records.
Were you born here?
Yes, yes, I was.
Then why do you need
to see your records?
Because I want to see the name
of the doctor who delivered me.
Yeah, it's been a good life,
and she wants to send
him a little thank-you note.
The hospital is no
place for practical jokes.
Now I have work to do, girls.
I'm going to get her.
I'll handle this.
I'll handle this.
Just step aside. Step aside.
I can see that you're
obviously a woman
of superior intelligence
and breeding,
and I love that little bun.
I'll confess,
I'm here to find out if
I was adopted or not.
Oh, well, that's
a different story.
The records are down that hall
and through the maternity wing.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hold it. Back, back,
back, back, back, back.
Adopted people are not
allowed to look at their records.
Adopted people! Adopted people!
She knows, she
knows I'm adopted!
Oh, now, calm down.
See how upset you got her?
The only people allowed there
are doctors and
expectant mothers.
Well, I expect to be a mother.
Out.
Both of you, out. Out, out.
Out, out, out, out.
I can take her, Shirl.
Okay, the coast
is clear. Come on.
This is crazy.
Hello, hello.
I'm Dr. Feeney, and this
is my patient Miss DeFazio,
a girl who has loved and lost.
Some call her a tramp.
Some call her a bimbo.
Up here we'll just call
her one of the girls, huh?
Well, he said he'd come back.
What are you telling them?
Oh, I just want to
cover our tracks.
These women aren't
fools, you know.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Yes? Yes?
Do you know when the
stork is going to bring me
my little baby?
Boy, there's a smart one.
Don't you worry about the stork.
We'll check that cabbage
patch soon enough.
Let's get on with this.
Will you walk like a pregnant
lady and not like a kangaroo?
Well, I'm sorry, this is
my first beach ball, okay?
Okay, okay, okay.
There's the records room.
Now we're just
going to go in there
and find out who
Shirley Feeney really is.
What is it?
The battle-axe with the
bun. Let's get out of here.
Young lady, what are
you doing out of bed?
Doctor, I'm very
sorry about this.
I'm sure it won't happen again.
Oh, don't worry about it, Nurse.
She's just fine.
Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, wait a moment.
Wait a moment.
Not everything is fine, though.
I've had some complaints, Nurse,
about dirty bedpans.
I'd like every one of
them spic-and-span.
Yes, Doctor, I'll have Nurse
Krevsky here take care of it right away.
No, no, Nurse.
I want you to take care of it.
And now.
Doctor, we haven't met yet.
I'm friendly Nurse
Krevsky, the doctors' pal?
Oh, very nice to meet you, pal.
Excuse me.
No, I don't think
you understand.
Nine out of ten
doctors recommend me.
Oh, that's very nice.
Good for you. Good for you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I
have to get back to my patient.
Oh, that's all right.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Oh, great, great.
I'll meet you in the
lounge in ten minutes
and, uh... we'll have...
Well, thank you,
but I'm not that kind
of a girl... guy... doctor.
Cute.
Oh, my, my.
I could have died!
I could have died!
She kissed you right
there. I could have died!
You watch out for my baby!
Son of a beeswax, son
of a beeswax, it's locked!
Okay, all right, calm down.
Calm down. Now, all right.
We've come this
far, all right, okay.
If you can't go through it,
we'll just go over it.
That's all. We'll just...
What are you talking about?
You're going to go
through the transom.
What are you talking about?
Okay, all right,
now get up on this.
Oh, good, I need
to lie down, Shirl.
No, don't lie down. I'm so
scared of this whole thing.
I want you to stand up and go
through that transom, will you?
Why me?
Because I have to
explain to these women
what you're about
to do, that's why.
Ladies, ladies, Miss DeFazio
is about to climb
through this transom.
Pay no attention
to her whatsoever.
She is two weeks overdue
and afraid of heights.
The idea here... to scare
the baby into leaving the body.
All right, Miss
DeFazio, go ahead.
Hope it's a boy.
All right?
Okay...
Kick out... kick, push
yourself through, just... push.
I can't, Shirl!
Well, push higher.
No, it's too high, no, no, no.
Oh, Shirl, I'm stuck!
I'm stuck in here, Shirl!
Okay, all right.
Bring your feet down.
Bring your feet down.
Now I can't get in or out!
Come down. I'm
gonna pull you out.
I'm going to pull you out, okay?
Push! Push! Push!
Push! Push!
What's going on here?
Holy cow... How do you do?
I'm Dr. Feeney.
I'm sure you've read about
this new method of childbirth
in National Geographic.
Who's that?
Oh, that's my
patient, Miss DeFazio.
She's, uh, two weeks overdue.
Well, congratulations,
Miss DeFazio.
You've just given birth to a
bouncing baby beach ball.
Will you please stop
bouncing that ball?
Why? What's the matter?
You think we're in big trouble?
Not we, me.
I'm the one who was caught
impersonating a doctor.
A thing like that
gets on your record.
You're never able
to work for the FBI.
Come on, Shirl. That doctor ain't
going to cause you any trouble.
Oh, please. He wants to help
you, so would you calm down?
How can I be calm
when I'm about to find out
that my mother may
not have wanted me?
Don't talk like that.
It's true.
It's true, Laverne.
I can't understand it. I
just can't understand it.
You've seen my baby pictures.
I mean why would she
want to give me away. Why?
Was I that ugly a baby?
I knew it. I knew it all along.
Come on, Shirl.
Okay, let's say
you were adopted.
I'm sure... I'm sure your real
mother had a real good reason
for giving you away, and it, it
wasn't because you were ugly.
What was it?
What was it then?
What could it have been?
Well, maybe she was
real young and poor
and she thought by...
giving you away, you might
have a shot at a better life.
It probably was
real hard on her, too.
Especially after she...
after she saw them
dimples of yours.
There they are.
Oh, thanks, Laverne. Thanks.
All right, Miss Feeney,
I've got your file.
Oh, Doctor, I'm so ashamed.
My mother always told me I'd
get in trouble if I played doctor.
That's okay.
Miss Feeney, it's
against the rules,
but, uh, I personally believe
you have a right to know
if you're adopted.
Before you look at your file,
I want to show
you something else.
This is my family.
Nice kids.
Two boys and a girl.
One of them is adopted.
Really?
Which one?
It doesn't matter because
I love them all the same.
Thank you, Doctor.
I'm scared.
I'm too scared.
Shirl, if you find out
that you're adopted,
will you love your
mom and dad any less?
No, no.
Well, then you still got the
same family you always had.
Being adopted don't
make any difference.
Being born is the
easy part of having kids.
It's raising them
and loving them
that counts.
You're right.
You're right.
I want to find out just for
my own sake, you know.
Well?
Well, what?
Were you adopted?
Now it really doesn't
matter, does it?
You said so yourself.
Right.
Come on, Shirl. You
got to tell me, please.
I'm begging you. I had
a beach ball for you.
You can tell me. Come on.
I wasn't adopted.
Darn, I lost money.
You bet on this?
Well, they gave me
two-to-one odds; I had to take it.
You bet on my life?
You bet on...?
How could you bet on
something like that, huh?
Hello.
Wasn't it a beautiful
ceremony, Laverne?
Uh-huh.
All those dedicated
young men going off to sea.
I was so proud of Robert.
Yeah.
You're going to miss him, huh?
Uh-huh.
Yeah... What's the matter?
You're all broken up
'cause he's gone, huh?
No, I got swollen lips.
It ain't easy kissing
2,000 sailors good-bye.
But it was worth it.
They did paint your face
on the side of the ship.
Here you go, little man.
Look at this poor guy.
He, he's really
down in his mouth.
What's wrong, boys?
He just heard the news
that he ain't your sister.
Well, don't feel bad.
I'm sure there's a girl
out there somewhere
with the Squiggman birthmark.
Just think of the fun
you'll have trying to find it.
And say, here's more good news.
Now you and Shirley
can get married.
That's right.
Now we don't have to worry
about our children being morons.
I'd still worry.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪