Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 11 - Laverne and Shirley Move In - full transcript

The girls tell Edna about the time they planned to move into their apartment after high school. Also telling how a call from Shirley's mom & Frank DeFazio refusing to let Laverne leave home,almost broke up their friendship.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Shirl, will you hurry up?

I want to turn the light out.

Yes, just a minute, please.

You know I can't get to sleep

unless this is
tucked in very tightly.

But that's so stupid.

Every time you get in, you're
gonna mess it up anyway.

Yes, but I'll be asleep so I
won't know about it, now will I?

Okay.

There we go.

Boy, that is the
stupidest way to sleep

I have ever seen.

Well, you're one to talk!

I mean, what with
your snoring and all.

I do not snore!

Yes, you do. No, I don't.

Oh, yes, you do.

Well, you wanna
know what else you do?

What's that?

You dribble.

I don't. Yes, you do.

I do not.

You do so. You lay there
with your mouth open

and the spittle comes out

all over your pillow.

That's not so. Good night.

Try not to snore.

Try not to drown yourself.

There's someone
in the apartment.

It's a sex maniac!

Wait! I trapped myself!
I trapped myself!

Get me outta here!

Oh! Shh! Shh!

Shut up!

Listen. Don't panic.

We know what to do. What?

Step number one. Surprise him.

Step number two.

Kick him where it hurts.

Right.

Get him! Get him!

We need a weapon!

Get a weapon! Get a weapon!

This is the way you
defend yourselves?

What am I, your dessert?

Pop!

Not again!

I can't believe it!

Pop, you gotta stop
testing us like this!

Yeah, but every time I come
in here, I catch you off guard!

How many times I gotta tell you,

you gotta be prepared!

You don't know how
many weirdoes there are

running around the town!

Frank?!

Edna?

This is how you
look every night?

Well, yes.

Uh, you, you're
upset the way I look?

Girls, take a lesson.

You wanna be
beautiful in the afternoon,

this is how you gotta
look at night: ugly.

I'm only kiddin'.
Mm, I love you.

Don't ever let me catch
you lookin' like this again.

Does he drop in like this often?

I'm so embarrassed.

Just one of his
bi-monthly burglar drills.

Yeah, once he even came down

wearing a raincoat
and dark glasses.

I'm surprised he
ever let you move out

in the first place, Laverne.

Yeah, well...

Oh, it wasn't easy,
believe you me.

I mean, uh, it started when?

About six months after
we graduated high school?

Yeah.

And we got jobs
workin' at the brewery.

Yeah, and Carmine...

Let me tell the story, okay?

Uh, and, uh, Carmine got us

this apartment in the building.

He found it for us and,

oh, I remember the first day...

Remember the first day?

Oh, boy!

Gee whiz!

This is neato-keen, huh?

Oh, it's just like
outta House Beautiful.

A sunken living
room and everything.

Oh, boy, the Welcome Wagon
musta been here already.

Isn't that wonderful?

Leaving us something to
make us feel comfortable

in our, our new home?

A unicycle.

And some goat chow.

This must be left from
the people before us.

Yeah, they must have been

some pretty weird people.

Or a very talented goat.

I've seen them
ride these things.

Haven't you ever?

Yeah. No.

Oh, look at this, Shirl.
It's a rumpus room.

No, it's not a rumpus room.

You can't rumpus in there.

It's a kitchen. It's beautiful.

Well, there are no major

or minor appliances in there.

It's got a sink, a
perfectly good sink

with perfectly good water.

We could live on Kool-Aid.

What do you say?

I love it! I love it!
I love it! I love it!

I love it! I love it!
I love it! I love it!

I love it! I love it! I love it!
I love it! I love it! I love it!

I love it! I love it! I love it!
I love it! I love it! I love it!

That musta been
where the goat stayed.

Don't worry. A little Lysol,

a thorough scrubbing down.

I'll take the living room.

You take the bedroom.

Hey, this is somethin'.

Like heaven under Earth.

Look, the landlord
gave me the lease.

He said you can move
in right after you sign it.

Ooh, how exciting.
Our first legal document.

Carmine, the goat's gone.

Yeah, I'll miss him.

Oh, I'll probably have more fun

with you guys in
the building now.

Oh, Carmine, you won't
recognize this place

when we're through with it.

A little paint, a
little wallpaper,

furniture, a stove,
a refrigerator.

What bank you gonna
rob to get all that stuff?

Uh, wait a second.
Wait a second.

What do I look like to you
two, Montgomery Ward?

Aw, come on, Carmine, please?

Naw, naw.

Cover your eyes, Laverne.

Carmine...

when you gave
me your class ring,

you promised you'd
take care of me.

I meant if some guy punched
you in the mouth or somethin'.

I'll give ya a
kiss for a toaster.

You got it.

What do you give
me for a gas range?

I'll take the toaster.

He's like putty in my hands.

What can I say?

You are one lucky duck.

Having a cutie like
that crazy about you

all through high school.

Well, I, I was the only one

who could put up with
his strange animal noises.

Agh!

Pucker up, little ladies.
Your lover boys have arrived.

Shirl, you promised me

they'd never find
out where we lived.

Aw, it was fate, Laverne.

We snuck around
after you everywhere

watching your every move,

knowing full well you
wanted to be alone with us.

We could tell there
was love in your hearts

on account you singing

that sexy schlimazel
song like you do.

♪ Schlemazel, Schlimazel ♪

♪ How is your sister
incorporated? ♪

Would you guys
get away from here?

We don't have any time for you.

We will never have
any time for you.

Oh, you're just
playi" hard to get.

You want us.

Yeah, sure.

Soft lights, no heat,

and look, they've even prepared

a romantic little snack for us.

Want some goat chow, Squig?

It's nutritious.

And delicious.

And they are fortified.

Oh, and you are makin' me sick.

And I'm gonna say
this once: get out!

I defile you to
look me in the eye

and tell me you can
resist me, Laverne.

I can resist you.

She'll say anything
I ask her to.

Double make-out!

Lenny, you're a
disgusting creep!

Disgusting creep.

She's already picked
out a pet name for me.

It fits.

Get out! Get out! Get out!
Get out! Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Ooh, boy, they must make a spray

to keep them outta
here, you know?

Just forget about them.

Just remove them from your mind.

Mm, okay.

Now, sign the lease. Come on.

Oh, boy. I can hardly wait.

There's an X and everything.

Shirley. No. Shirley W. Feeney.

I can't believe
it! I'm so excited!

Okay.

Let me read it first.

The X right there.

Just sign it right there.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Boy, there's a lotta
fine print here, Shirl.

I think I oughta have my
lawyer take a look at this.

Your lawyer? What
are you talkin' about?

You ain't got no lawyer.

You haven't told your father
you're movin' out yet, have you?

Well, it's not easy.

Well, it was easy for
me to tell my mother.

Sure, it's easy for you.

Your mother's visiting
your aunt in California.

It's too expensive
to yell long-distance.

My father yells,
money is no object.

Hey, where you goin'?

To find another roommate.

One who's an adult.

Oh, wait a second.

Come here.

Gimme that. I'll sign it.

I knew you would.

You'll see how easy it'll be.

You just say, "Pop, I'm
movin' out" and that's it.

Yeah, sure, I'll, I'll
tell him right now.

I'll go home and tell him.

Wait. Oh, that's great.

Congratulations. We
now have a new home.

Shirley W. Feeney, and...

Carmelita Malbletto?

Laverne, you
forger, you chicken!

You sign this!

Poppy, Poppy, Poppy. Poppy, mm.

You want your Muffin
to be happy, don't you?

Eh, sure, sure, hah!

Good.

Because me and Shirl
found an apartment

and I'm movin' out.

No, come on. Get up.

You're too big for this.

Oh, Pop! It's a real nice place.

You're not old enough!

Well, how old do I
have to be to move out?

After you're married a couple
of years, we'll talk about it.

Oh, Pop. Come on.
I'm a big girl now.

I should be out in
the world on my own.

What about meals?

Oh, me and Shirley can cook.

I'm talkin' about my meals.

Well, I'll come over twice
a week and cook for you.

Forget it. It's out
of the question.

Oh, come on, Poppy.

It's right around the corner.

Yelling distance.

No.

Oh, why can't I have
my own apartment?!

Because you're my daughter
and you do what I say.

Well, that's a lousy reason.

So it's a lousy reason,
but it's the only one I've got.

The answer is no, that's that,

and we don't talk
about it anymore.

Yeah, well, I made up my mind.

I'm movin' out
and there's nothi"

that you could say
or do to stop me.

I'll cut off your allowance.

That won't do it because I work.

I'll break your bowling ball.

That won't do it.

How 'bout if I give
you one of these?

That'll do it.

Aw!

Hand me the
wallpaper and hold still.

Okay. Now, now, what'd I...

I just, I... I need
the paste brush.

There.

Get off of me!

The phone.

I'll get it.

I'll get it! I'll get it!

I want to get it!

I will get it. I
signed the lease.

No!

I'll get it.

It's probably some
gorgeous hunk of man!

Okay.

Hello.

This is Andrew Squiggman here.

And, uh, what little cutie pie

may I have the pleasure
of speaking of to?

Well, listen, you stupid bimbo,

either you give me your name

or I'm gonna hang
up the dumb phone.

Okay, that's more like it.

Shirley, it's your mother.

What's the matter, Shirl?

Is your mother okay?

Oh, she's fine.

She's terrific.

She loves California.

Ah. As a matter of fact,

she's gonna move there.

Oh, well, that ain't so bad.

Hey, when it's winter here,

we could go visit
her where it's warmer,

while we're freezing
our patooties off here.

And if you want,
every week or so,

you could call her
just to say hello.

I won't have to
call her to say hello.

I'm gonna be with her.

Laverne, I'm sorry
to let you down,

but my mother says I have
to move to California with her.

Oh, I understand.

I'd probably do the
same thing if I was you.

To tell you the truth...

I kind of want to move there.

I mean...

I don't think that
I, I could stand

staying in Milwaukee
without my mother.

I'd miss her too much.

I bet you think I'm a
great big baby, don't you?

Well, I'm just as
big a baby as you.

I never stood up
to my father, Shirl.

He wasn't gonna let me
move into this apartment.

I figured I'd sneak out
at night and pretend.

Well, then it's all
for the best anyway.

Yeah.

I mean, who wants
this place? It's ugly.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Who wants to live
in a cellar anyways?

Yeah.

Nothing but an old dump.

I wanted this dump
more than anything

in the whole wide world.

Me, too.

♪ I'll be seeing you in all
the old familiar places ♪

♪ That this heart of mine
embraces all day through ♪

♪ In that small café ♪

♪ The park across the way ♪

♪ The children's carousel ♪

♪ The chestnut trees,
the wishing well ♪

♪ I'll be seeing you in
every lovely summer's day ♪

♪ In everything
that's light and gay ♪

♪ I'll always think
of you that way... ♪

♪ I'll find you in
the morning sun ♪

♪ And when the night is new ♪

♪ I'll be looking at the moon ♪

♪ But I'll be seeing you. ♪

It was beautiful, Carmine,
but it's such a sad song.

Couldn't you have sung
something else, anything else?

Shirl, when your girlfriend's
walking out of your life,

you don't sing "Shrimp Boats."

Depends how you sing it.

Since I'm not gonna
be seeing you anymore,

I guess you'll want
your class ring back.

No, no, no, no, no!
You, you keep it, Shirl.

Besides, I wouldn't be able
to get all that adhesive tape off.

Yeah, well, that's a good thing

because it seems
to be stuck anyway.

Oh, we could slap
a little butter on that,

and it'll slip
right off of that.

Don't push it, Laverne.

The man says he doesn't want it.

Wasn't this a lovely party?

And wasn't it nice
seeing all your friends

come down and
say good-bye to you?

Ahem.

We, uh, we just came by to say

our final
fare-thee-wells, Shirl.

It's been great, kid.

Thanks for the memories.

There were no memories.

She's so right.

Please don't leave,
Shirley Feeney!

You was my last chance
for a short woman.

Don't make a scene, guys.

Just say good-bye, huh?

Okay, good-bye, Shirl.

Bye, boys.

Good-bye, Laverne.

I ain't going nowheres.

Yeah, I know, but without
her, what good are you?

Look, why don't guys go outside

and kiss Shirley's
luggage good-bye.

Her luggage is leaving, too?

Where will this madness end?

Come on, guys. Come on. Come on.

Shirley, I just want to say

that there's not going to be
any sunshine in Milwaukee

when you're not around
telling us we stink.

There'll be others.

I'll say good-bye
in the car, all right?

I'll be waiting in the backseat.

Hey, Shirl.

I got you a little
going-away present.

Aw, you shouldn't have.

Well... it's, uh,
half of a gold heart.

Here.

Oh, Laverne, it's beautiful.

Gee, I'll have one half and
you'll have the other half.

Nah, I could only
afford one half.

We could cut it into quarters.

No, no, I'll have the other half

when I come out and
visit you in California.

You'll never come
out and visit me.

Yes, I will. Yes, I will. No,
you won't. No, you won't.

I'll come and visit
you once a year. No.

And we'll write to each other.

Every week, you promise?

You promise every week
'cause I know how lazy you can be

about things like that, Laverne.

No, no, I promise, cross
my heart, hope to die.

Stick a needle in my eye.
Stick a needle in my eye.

There's just one
other thing, Laverne.

I, I want you to vow to me,

I want you to make a solemn vow

that... you will never
touch Carmine's chest.

What if it's an emergency?

No, I vow.

Okay, dear, that's comforting.

That's very comforting.

You know what else?

I think you ought to take
the apartment anyway

because your father can't
stay mad at you forever.

Nah, no, no.

You see, Shirl, the thing of...

the thing that was gonna
be fun was living with you.

And who's gonna
do the wallpaper?

Who's gonna keep
me out of trouble?

Who's gonna be my best friend?

Hey, Pop, you happy now?

Ya got everything you want.

Shirley, why don't you
stay here in Milwaukee?

Gee, Mr. DeFazio,
I-I really think

that I have to be
close to my mother.

I just called your
mother in California.

You did?

Well, I got tired of
watching you two

mope around all over the place.

And your mother says
that you don't have to go.

It's your decision.

Really?

Yeah, because you see,
parents usually are the last

to recognize the fact that
their children are growing up.

Well, what does a parent want?

They want you to be happy.

So, if you're happy here,
then she'll be happy there.

Gee, I... Gee, I'd
love to stay here

more than anything
in the whole world,

but I, uh... I
really don't think

that I could live
alone in Milwaukee.

I couldn't do it.

Alone. What are you
talking about, alone?

You're gonna have an apartment

and live in an
apartment with Laverne.

And I'll be living right
around the corner.

We'll be your family.

You will?

Sure.

Really? Yeah.

Well... well... well,

we don't look anything alike,

but, uh, gee, I
think I'd like that.

I think I'd like that a lot.

Thank you so much.

Laverne!

Laverne, come out!

No, I'm gonna live in here.

No, no, no, we're
gonna live together.

In here?

No! No, in the apartment.

You're gonna stay?

Yes! Your father
called my mother,

and he arranged everything.

My father? Yeah.

Pop, does that mean
I can live with Shirley?

Sure. You know, I
had to do something.

I got tired of looking at your
stockings in the bathroom.

Oh, Pop, thanks, thank you.

Thank you so much.
Hey, you're making me wet.

Oh, here, use this.

You know, there's
only one bad thing

about moving in with you, Shirl.

I'm gonna miss my old roommate.

Aww! Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, Poppy.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

And the rest is
Knapp Street history.

Did I ever, uh, did I
ever tell you the story

about how Boo Boo Kitty
got his, uh... got his name?

Ah, well, it's a rather
long and complicated story.

Maybe some other time, huh?

Goodness me!

Okay, Mrs. Babish.

Mrs. Babish, time
to go home now.

Come on. Get out of my bed.

I want to go to
sleep, Mrs. Babish.

Laverne, Laverne, will you
help me roll Mrs. B onto the floor?

Oh, boy!

If that ain't some
fine how-do-you-do?

I stay up half the night
telling what has got to be

the most interesting story
I have ever heard me tell,

and I end up
sleeping on the couch.

If that ain't one
heck of a note!

Good night, Mrs. Babish.

Good night, Laverne.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪