Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 10 - Chorus Line - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Boy, that's wonderful.

You know, you learn fast.

Thank you, Frank.

Yeah, no kidding.

All right, let's have
another pizza test.

Give me one with the works.

That's a pizza with
everything on it.

Right.

Now give me a stinky pie.

That's an anchovy pizza
with extra garlic and onions.

Right.

Now give me a big kiss.

Now wait a minute, that's, uh...

pizza with extra tomato sauce?

No. I just want a big kiss.

Oh. Yeah, that's...

Mm.

Aw...

Oh, uh...

He's just breaking
in the new help.

Yeah, well, he never
did that with Tony.

You.

Well, I'm glad you came,

'cause I can use an extra hand.

Is Shirley coming?

Uh, no, she took the
car for the weekend.

She had to go to a meeting
for the preservation of buffalo.

Buffalo?! You know that
city could use a lot of help?

Did you know that Buffalo is the
bowling capital of the Northeast?

No, Pop, buffalo the animal. Oh.

Oh forget about it, Pop.
I got a favor to ask you.

How about the
favor I'm asking you?

Uh, I'll help you here any other
day, but today, please, Pop.

It's real important to me.

I'm going to ask you
something, but please don't yell.

I never yell, that's a rumor.

You started that whole thing.

You gave me that reputation.

Okay, you're
right, you're right.

Pop, I need 50 bucks. What?!

Pop, you're yelling,
you're yelling.

I can hear it through my hand.

That's how rumors start.

Please, Pop, please,
please, please, please, please.

Good.

Now, they're having
auditions in Chicago

for Westside Story today,
and it's an open audition,

and that means anybody
who wants to can try. Forget it.

And I need to get some
tights and a leotard,

and a bus ticket to get there,

and some dancing shoes, and
it's real important to me, Pop.

Forget it.

What do you say, huh?

I just said forget it. Why?

'Cause I'm sick and
tired of laying out money

for music lessons
and dancing lessons.

Besides, I already bought
you a pair of dancing shoes.

Pop, they're a size five.

I wore them in the sixth grade.

Yeah?

And how about
the money I laid out

for the piano because
you wanted to play?

Pop, it only had ten keys.

You only got ten fingers.

One key, one finger, that's it.

Yeah, but Pop, it
wasn't all a waste.

I was good in dancing school.

Yeah, yeah.

Remember my Father's Day song?

♪ I love my daddy... ♪

Come on, don't make me mushy.

♪ And my daddy loves me ♪

♪ He thinks I'm the greatest ♪

♪ Personality. ♪

Yeah, come on, stop, stop.

Then you'll give me the money?

No. Why?

Because if God wanted
you to be a dancer,

He never would have got
you a job in the brewery.

There's got to be some moola.
Money, money, money, where do...

The Bible, of course,

we always keep our
emergency money

right between the Old
and New Testaments

where they put the ads.

Oh.

"Dear Laverne, I
know the only reason

you'd be going through
the Bible is for money."

Yeah, well, I
might be reading it.

"I needed the 20 for my trip.

"Sorry, but if you need money
perhaps you can pray for it.

Shirley."

Oh, thanks a lot.

Great, I'll just open
the Bible, pray,

and God will send me a
couple of angels carrying cash.

Hello.

Thank you.

Yeah?

Laverne, Laverne, uh,
maybe you could settle

an argument for me.

We want an answer
to this problem.

Which one of us is the more
handsomest, Lenny or me?

Now, now, be brutal,
and remember, feet count.

Now I don't want to influence
your decision at all, Laverne.

I'd like to remind you however,
that I am blond, naturally tall,

and only partially inflamed.

Well, I think you guys
are both real cute.

Oh, nuts, another tie.

Look, guys, you know I
don't ask you for much.

Yeah.

Lord knows, I wouldn't
want much from you, but...

I need a favor.

I need $50 to go to Chicago.

Ooh. You're going
to tour the stockyards.

Oh, boy, that is
a wonderful trip.

Listen, don't miss
the rendering shed.

Yeah, Len, I've been on
that tour, it was special.

But this is different.

I've got a chance to
dance in Westside Story.

Hey, attagirl. Yeah.

Wait, wait one second,
you mean that the people

from the Westside
Story in Chicago,

they call you up and
say, "Hey, be in our play"?

No, no, no, I got to audition
with a bunch of other girls.

Oh. But I think I've got
a really good chance,

and, who knows,
maybe I'll be a star.

I could be Juliet
Prowse. She's taken.

Well, what do you say, guys?
Will you give me the 50 bucks

for a bus ticket there?
I need to get there.

If... if... if we had it, Laverne, we'd be
glad to. Oh, come on, Len, come on.

Take a look at this, saddest
thing you ever seen? Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Lenny, will you, uh,
step inside my office?

You've got an office here?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, sure.
That sounds good.

Wet, but good.

What do you say, please?

Uh, Laverne, we have
decided upon it and we, uh,

have come to the conclusion

that, uh, you got too much pride

to take money from
the likes of us. Yes.

No, I don't. I have
no pride. Yeah, yeah.

We won't embarrass you
by offering charity, Laverne,

but we do have a
business proposition.

What is it?

Well, for as long as you're
in the show business...

Yes?

Uh, Lenny and me, we
could be your managers,

and take half of
everything you make.

And I'll take the other half.

What do I get?

You get a ride to Chicago
in the back of our truck.

Okay. You guys can be my
managers on one condition.

What? Don't embarrass me.

Well... Come on,
Len, give me a break...

All right, all right.

All right, all
right, it's a deal.

Deal. Deal.

Let's seal it with a kiss.

It's sealed, it's sealed.

You idiot! You idiot!

♪ I feel pretty, oh, so pretty ♪

♪ I feel pretty and
witty and bright ♪

♪ And I pity any girl
who isn't me tonight. ♪

Come on, Laverne.

I had to get a mirror.

♪ I feel charming,
oh, so charming ♪

♪ It's alarming how
charming I feel ♪

♪ I'm so pretty that I
hardly can believe I'm real ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ See the pretty girl
in that mirror there ♪

♪ What mirror where? ♪

♪ Who can that
attractive girl be? ♪

♪ Who? What? Where? Who? ♪

♪ Such a pretty face,
such a pretty smile ♪

♪ Such a pretty dress,
such a pretty me ♪

♪ Such a pretty me ♪

♪ I feel charming,
and enchanting ♪

♪ Feel like running
and dancing for joy ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm loved by
a pretty wonderful boy. ♪

Look, Laverne, I've
got to talk to you.

Carmine, would you
please get out of here?

I am sick of your
ignorant interruptions.

Can't you see we have a woman
here with genius on her feet?

Yeah, not to mention the
brains behind the feet...

Laverne's managers,
ourselves inclusive.

Look, Laverne, about
this audition business...

If my father sent you down
here, Carmine, just forget it.

What makes you think
your father sent me?

Because you got
his look in your eyes,

and I know what that
look means. It means...

"Stop doing crazy things,
get married, have kids."

Well I don't care what
you say Carmine, I'm going.

Look, Laverne, the
competition's tough.

You don't know what
you're getting yourself into.

Oh, just take a hike, Carmine.

I mean, this lady has a
rendezvous with destiny.

Yeah, why don't you take
your handsome hulk out of here

before you give her
legs a headache?

Shut up.

Ooh, don't do that.

Look, Laverne, I'm just trying

to save you from disappointing
yourself. Don't you understand?

Carmine, haven't you ever
wanted to try something

just to see if you could do it?

Well, I'm taking a
crack at being a dancer,

and I don't care what
anybody says, I'm going to try.

So that's it, huh?

That's it. Well look, now that

I spoke for your father,
let me speak for myself.

I think it's a good idea.

You do? Yeah, but how
come you didn't come to me?

I figured you'd laugh at me.

Sure, I'd laugh at that fruit
cocktail on your head, there.

And that number, forget
about that number there.

Well, what's the matter with it?

You're auditioning for
Westside Story... it's jazz...

Pow.

Pow.

Ow.

Uh, gee, Carmine,
could you teach me that?

Sure. Great.

You'll teach me on
the way to Chicago.

Laverne, I can't
dance on a train.

Of course not.

You'll dance in
the back of a truck.

Come on, guys, come on.

All right, all right.

Look, find yourself a place
at the bar and warm up.

I'm going to go talk
to the choreographer.

Boy, this is real
live show business.

You know, some of the all-time
greats stood on this stage.

Ethel Merman, Mary Martin.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi, Mary.

Would you get out of here?

I'm sorry.

Uh, oh, my-my partner
and I, we are, uh...

theatrical managers, and
we was wondering, uh...

whether you women
are... easily managed?

Yeah. We'd like to
handle you professionally.

Flamenco, the dance of love.

Could I use this space?

Guess I'm a little rusty, huh?

Help.

Come on, Kim,
give the girl a break.

Oh, gee, thanks.

I don't understand it, I used to
be real good on the monkey bars.

Hi. I'm Mickie.

Julliard School, New
York Dance Center,

and Chicago Ballet Workshop.

Oh, hi, I'm Laverne.

Uh, Filmore High.

Uh, Marjorie Ward's
Tapping Teens.

And one wild night at
Waldo Litkey's Tango Palace.

This is your first
audition, isn't it?

Oh, no. I've been around.

It shows?

Well, maybe it's the outfit.

There's something
about gym shorts.

Yeah, well, they always
make you look like

you got water
balloons in your pants.

Look, let me give you
one little piece of advice.

Oh.

Don't quit your day job

if you want to keep eating.

How come?

It's a rough business.

I've been doing
this for ten years.

You've been doing
this for ten years?

Boy, I bet you've
been everywhere, huh?

Bet you've been on Broadway.

Uh-huh. Was the most
exciting night of my life.

Yeah, opening night.

Yeah. And closing, all
wrapped up into one.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

It's okay, I'll be back.

Can I go with you?

Not if you don't
keep practicing.

It takes a lot of hard work.

What's that?

Oh, it's the "Rumble."

Rumble? Rumble!

Bernardo!

Chicken!

Hey, mister, you dropped this.

Mister, you dropped this knife.

Mister, you
dropped this... uh-oh.

Ohh!

Come on, get him! Get him!

Gang fight! Gang fight!

Don't worry,
Laverne, I'll save you.

Oh!

Squig!

Lenny. Lenny?

Why, Lenny? Why?

Why what, Squig?

Why did I step in front of the
stupid knife instead of you?

'Cause if I'd been knifed,
then I'd be lying here dying

and there'd be no one to hold
your head and watch you die.

Good point.

Squiggy.

Shh!

Listen, Len. I want
you to have this.

It's a old family "hairloom."

It was, it was given
to me by my nana

when she was on her deathbed,

right before she's
ready to drop dead.

Yeah. I guess it's bad luck.

I want you to have it.

Thanks, I'll save it for later.

It ain't an after-dinner mint.

Squiggy, would you look at me?

Would you please look at me?

Laverne, I...

Oh, my God!

She couldn't take
life without me!

It makes so much sense.

Hey, look, if you're gonna die,

you got any old family heirlooms

you wanna get rid of?

Squiggy, you're embarrassing me.

Now, look at me!

It's a trick knife.

Killed by a trick knife.

All right, look. Now, look.

Everything's... Hi, guys.

Hi. Look, Laverne,
everything's all set.

I talked to the choreographer.
He said we can use

the prop room down
the hall to rehearse in.

Okay, great, terrific.

What kinda girls
are they looking for?

They're looking for
tough girl gang members.

Well, that's me... I can take
any of these girls, Carmine.

You gotta dance better
than them, Laverne.

Then we got a lot
of work to do. Yeah.

Lenny, will you, uh...?

Are you sure you're okay, Squig?

Yeah, I'm okay, all right,
but I'll tell you something.

When that knife
went into my stomach,

I saw my whole life
pass before my eyes.

It's been a great life.

Are you girls being
handled professionally?

Don't wait till the last minute.

Break a leg!

Thanks.

I hope.

Come on, Laverne,
we gotta rehearse.

Come on, get in here!

I had to get out of my gym suit.

That girl made fun of it. Here.

Boy, I wish I was
dancing in this show.

Oh, yeah, Carmine,
you'd be terrific.

Too bad they cast
all the male dancers.

Well, if I can't make
it, maybe you can.

Oh. Are we gonna...?

Walk.

Step, two, three, four,
five, six, pow! Try it.

Walk.

That's not what I showed you!

Well, I couldn't do it!

Use your hips.

I said use your
hands... Don't tap!

I'm better at that.

Walk!

Pow, pow!

Pow, pow.

Strut!

Look out, look out.

And one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, jump.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, jump again.

One, two, three, four,
ooh! Walk this way.

I can do this. I can do this.

Pow! Pow, pow, pow!

Pow!

This I can do. Yeah.

Skip.

Right leg.

Look up.

Again.

Kill the bug!

Forget the bug, will you?

Jump!

Back! Fall!

And... Front.

Yeah.

Jump over your leg.

Here we go?

Now we'll fly
through the air. Fly?!

Slide on the floor. You got it?

Are you crazy?

I can't do that!

Take it, Laverne!

You got it.

That's it.

You got it! You got it!

♪ Ooh! ♪

Thank you, Mickie,
that was wonderful.

You're set.

Rehearsal starts
Monday at 10:00.

Thank you.

I got it! I got it!

Yeah, yeah! You got
it! You were so good!

You were terrific!
You were so good!

Good luck, good luck.

Oh, thanks, I'll need it.

Next! DeFazio.

Hey, a DeFazio.

That's you, Laverne.

Laverne DeFazio.

Going once, going
twice, going...

Play a little louder, please?

But first, why don't you tell us
about your dance experience?

Oh, sure, yeah, okay.

Uh, well, the
first play I was in

was the third grade
Arithmetic Pageant.

I was, uh, divided
in two by my friends,

and, uh... then I played a shrub
in the Salute to Luther Burbank.

Uh, now let's see
what you can do.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Gonna play for me this time?

Okay.

Two for nothing.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Thank you. Next.

I said, thank you.

Next, please.

But there's more.

Not for you, Miss DeFazio.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

All right, everyone
take a five-minute break.

Except DeFazio.

Was I really that
bad, Mr... Voice?

Yes.

Well, I see somebody liked it.

You were terrific!

Yeah! Pop?

Pop, what are you doing here?

I happened to be
in the neighborhood.

I had to deliver a pizza.

In Chicago? Come on, what
are you really doing here?

Well, I wanted to come down
and see, learn a little bit more

about this dancing business.

You know, and so I
was out there watching.

Hey, don't listen to that
guy up there. You did great.

Aw, thanks, Pop,
but... I didn't do great.

Can you folks talk
this over at home?

Hey, hey, hey! Not so fast!

Hold your horses.

You know how
hard this girl worked

to come down over here, huh?

Didn't listen to me.

Almost got one of
these things, right?

I saw you out there,
and I liked what I saw.

Oh, thanks a lot, Pop,

but a lot of these
girls are real good.

Let's face it, I'm just
not in their league.

You were right, I never
should have come down here.

Listen to her, Pop.
She's making sense.

I'm gonna bop this guy.

No, no, no, don't.
Don't bop him, don't.

Hey, don't go away!
I'll be back, all right?

What do you mean, you
shouldn't have come here?

Who's he?

I don't know. I never seen him.

I think he's the director.

Well, I'll tell you the truth.

You wanted to
be a dancer, right?

You tried.

But I was stinky.

What stinky?

It took a lot of guts to
come down here and dance

in front of a guy
like that up there.

And you never should
be ashamed when you try.

Yeah. Tell you something else.

You was great.

You know something?

You're a great pop.

I know that, but you're greater.

Listen, that's very touching.

We'll give your
regards to Broadway.

Now, would you
please leave my stage?

I'm going to bite
him on the nose.

Don't bite him on the nose, Pop.

He's right. Let's go home, okay?

Yeah, I second the motion.

Oh. Here.

Thanks, Carmine.

I'm sorry. I tried, though.

Look, you did great, Laverne.

You can dance with me anytime.

Yeah? Let's get out of here.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

In show business
you always leave them

wanting a little bit more.

♪ I love my daddy and
my daddy loves me ♪

♪ He thinks I'm the
greatest personality ♪

♪ When he hugs and kisses
me I'm happy as can be ♪

♪ 'Cause I love my daddy
and my daddy loves me... ♪

Ahh...

Maybe I'll have some grapes.

Maybe not.

Hi, Laverne!

Oh, hi, Shirl.

How was the convention?

It was wonderful!

Laverne, the American
buffalo is a majestic

animal, full of
power, full of grace,

full of dignity.

Unfortunately, they
stink like the devil.

My eyes were
watering the entire time.

I had to wear my sunglasses.

Oh, as long as you
had a good time.

I did, I... What
happened to your feet?

Oh, don't ask.

I'll tell you in a year

when I'm not in so much pain.

Well, it can't be that bad.

Come on, I thought that we'd
go out dancing tonight. Come on.

Dancing? No, forget it, not
in a million years, Shirl. No.

Well, that's too bad, really,

because I met two
of the cutest guys

you ever want
to see in your life

at the buffalo convention,

and they're waiting
for us right now

down at Waldo Litkey's
Tango Palace, but if

you're too tired, or too sore...

Waldo Litkey? Waldo
Litkey? I can handle them both.

Wait a second, Shirl.

Wait a second, I'm
coming with you.

Ah... I'm coming with you.

These guys won't smell
like buffalos, will they?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪