Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Stakeout - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

I just don't understand this.



I could have sworn I
double-locked this door.

No, no, no, no, it
was only locked.

Would you forget
about that lock?

I'm getting a hernia here.

Shirl, would you please take one

of these bags, huh?

Here.

Get the door, will ya?

Ooh, did you remember
to get the Scooter Pies?

Yeah. I got two boxes of 'em.

Good. Good, good, good,

'cause I have got a sweet tooth

the size of all outdoors.

What is that?

It's the toilet flushing.

Burglars! Burglars!

Burglars! Burglars.

There are burglars here.

There are burglars here.

I think there are burglars here.

Okay, okay. Let's run.

No, hide.

No, run.

No, hide.

What'll we do?!

Now what would burglars
want in our bathroom?

My entire Hazel
Bishop collection!

Here, take these.

Give me weapons.
Give me weapons.

Here, take one of these!

Well, I... Shh!

On the other side.

Okay, freeze!

Assume the position!

The what? The
position, the position!

Assume it! Assume
it! Make it fast.

Where'd you learn this stuff?

Dragnet!

Look, I'm with the FBI.

Ha, ha, ha, and I'm
Mamie Eisenhower.

We ain't falling for that.

Let me show you my
ID. It's in my pocket here.

Hey, twitch and you're dead.

Okay, Shirl, frisk him.

Go ahead.

I do not frisk strange men.

Would you get your
hand in his pockets!

Yeah?

Would you do something?

Keep moving. Kick your feet.

Stop! Stop that!

Stop that!

These men are FBI agents.

Really?

They showed me their ID cards.

I'm not really Mamie Eisenhower.

Can I please get up now?

Oh, sure, you can
do anything you want.

We love the FBI.
Don't we, Shirl?

Yes. Elliott Ness
is my favorite actor.

I'm Agent Herbie Prange.

Hi, Herb.

And I'm his partner,
Ronald Williams.

Hello, Ronald.

Your landlady said it'd be okay

to use your apartment
here for a stakeout.

They're spying on
somebody across the street.

Really?

What do you say? Can
we use the apartment?

Sure.

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.

Set up the equipment.

Oh, will you be
needing our fingerprints?

I'll volunteer mine happily.

Oh, no, no, just go
about your business

and pretend we're not here.

Ooh... Mr. Marzetti.

That's who they're
watching... Mr. Marzetti.

You think so?

Trust Laverne.

She knows the criminal mind.

Girls, your escorts are here.

We'll be down in a minute.

I told them we'd practice
bowl with them tonight.

Well, I don't want to go.

We'll just tell 'em that
we're helping the FBI.

No, no, no, girls,
you can't tell anybody

that we're from the FBI.

This whole thing is hush-hush.

Oh, well, we're
hushy, right, Shirl?

Yes. My motto is "Tick a lock."

Listen, I got to go

before Lenny and
Squiggy get here.

I can't stand seeing them
when they owe me the rent.

That doesn't make any sense.

It would if you've ever
seen them beg for more time.

Oh, Mrs. Babish!

Stop kissing my feet!

You're slobbering
all over my shoes!

Tuesday for sure, Mrs. Babish.

Yeah, you know where we live.

Remind me to change the
number on the apartment.

Good idea.

Guys, we can't go
bowling with you tonight.

Uh... Oh, I see.

Got yourselves another couple

of cheap dates, huh?

Uh, no, no, they're
not our dates.

They're... Our cousins.

Whose cousins?

Hers. Hers.

One's hers and one's mine.

Okay, which is which?

Uh, I'd like you to meet
my cousin, Herb Feeney.

Lenny and Squiggy.

How do you do?

Hi, guys.

How are you?

And, uh... this is my cousin

Ronald DeFazio.

He don't look nothing
like you, Laverne.

Well, he's a distant cousin.

He's very tall.

And dark.

Oh, well, all the DeFazio men

are tall, dark and handsome.

But Laverne... he's very dark.

Well, he's from
Southern Italy, Squig.

Uh, you know, they
get real dark down there.

It's sort of like Florida.

Oh, yeah.

Right, Cousin Ronald?

Oh, yeah!

A couple more days in this
weather and I'll lose my tan.

Ain't that right, goombah?

Imagine that.

Well, Squig, let's get going.

All right.

Great job, girls.

Well, thank you.

You're doing real well.

Thank you.

Well, why don't you just,
uh, go about your business

and just stay away
from the window here?

We're expecting something
to break on this any minute.

This is a job for the FBI.

Uh, Ron's checking
things up on the roof.

Everything's clear here. Right.

I can't see Ron on the roof.

There he is. He's
under the lamppost.

Oh, come on, stop
playing with that.

I need to have that.
Please give me that.

Ron, are you on the roof?

Can I have that? Ask him if he's
been to Mary Jackson's apartment.

Please, will you stop
playing with my stuff?!

Will you please just
leave my equipment alone

or it's going to be very hard

for us to put up with
each other day and night.

Day and night?

Are you going to
stay the night here?

Yeah, round-the-clock
surveillance.

Great, you can wear
a pair of my pajamas.

I don't wear pajamas.

Oh...!

Excuse us a moment, won't you?

He don't wear pajamas.
He don't wear pajamas.

We can't let them stay here.

What will the
neighbors say, Laverne?

Oh, who cares?

This is your
chance of a lifetime.

What if there's a shooting

and we get a bullet
hole in our wall?

We could put a frame around it

and say we were there.

You'd really like
that, wouldn't you?

Oh yeah, you know, I would.

You would.

Well, let me put
it to you this way.

What is your father going to say

when he finds out two guys
spent the night here, hmm?

You can't stay.

You got to go,
got to go, really.

Honest to goodness, you're
gonna just have to leave.

I'll fix breakfast for all
of us in the morning.

You come back early.

Well, I guess I figured
you girls all wrong, huh?

I figured you to be
good Americans.

Oh, we're good Americans.

Yes, we were in the Color Guard.

Laverne! You got
a man in there?!

What are you doing?

Come with us. Let's go!

Get in the closet!
Get in the closet!

Wait a minute!

The FBI does not get in closets!

Coming, Pa.

What's going on in here?!

There's plenty of noises
going on over here!

What's going on here?! What
do you got?! Where's the men?

Where are they?

There are no men in here.

There's your nephew.

Hi, Unc.

Pop, I can explain this.

And I can help.

Can I come out now?

What is that?

You had better start explaining!

I want to know
what's goin' on here!

Just hold it!

This has gotten
out of hand here.

I think I can
straighten this out.

We're with the FBI.

The FBI?! The FBI!

Uh... listen, fellas,
I want to thank you

for bringing me over, but
this is now a family affair,

so the two of you
will have to beat it.

And if you breathe a
word of this to anybody,

you'll be in serious trouble.

Oh, don't worry about
us. We're no traitors.

We rooted for
America in every war.

Boy, Laverne's
cousin in the FBI.

Hey, Herb, his
light just went out.

Whose? Whose? Whose light?

Whose light?

He must be on his way down then.

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

The counterfeiter,
the counterfeiter.

The counterfeiter!
The counterfeiter! Shh!

He must be coming
down to pick up the plates.

The plates! The plates!

Ron, look, there's Marzetti now.

Marzetti! Didn't I tell
you it was Marzetti?

I knew it!

It's uncanny how you
can spot a criminal!

Wait a minute, Ron. Look,
there comes another guy.

Another guy. Another guy.

Maybe he's got
the plates with him.

Oh, I can't see. Let
me see. I want to see.

I want to see...

They're coming.
Get down! Get down!

Get down. Get down.

I'll have the package for you

in about an hour, Mr. Marzetti.

I'll meet you back
here, all right?

Carmine! Carmine!

That will do. What's taking you?

Do you really think this
dumb plan's gonna work?

It's not a dumb plan.
It's a wonderful plan,

and it's got to work 'cause
we've got to warn Carmine.

He's our friend.

Will you hurry up, Laverne,
please? Get out here.

Oh, my dear.

That is perfect.

You look so cheap.

Thanks. You know Harry
Belafonte has this same shirt?

Yes.

And it looks good
on him, too. Yeah.

Shirl, could you explain
me one thing? Yeah.

Why can't you distract Herbie
and let me warn Carmine?

I run real fast.

Look, I don't like
making you do this

any more than you like doing it.

It's just that I don't understand
why they won't let us

out of our own apartment.

I can't understand it.

Can't understand it?

Well, maybe it has
something to do with the fact

that you were
running around yelling,

"I got to warn Carmine!
I got to warn Carmine!"

Okay, all right.

So I slipped. You slipped.

So I made a dumb
mistake, so what?

But how would you feel
if the man that you dated

semi-regularly was
wanted by the FBI, huh?

I mean, I know this man.

I know how he dances. Yeah.

I know how he kisses.

Yeah. I know how he... Yeah?

Never... could never
do anything like this,

although every shred of
evidence proves me wrong.

I'm ready.

I sure hope this works.

Come on.

Quick, before Ron
gets back. Okay.

Go out there, look
Herbie straight in the eyes,

and say, "Hi, big
fella, I'm easy."

Good, Shirl. I'll do it
my own way, okay?

Okay. Oh, boy...

There. No one's
going to believe it

when I tell them that I
was a tramp for the FBI.

Sure they will.

Hi, Herbie.

Hi.

I got good news.

Shirl's taking a nap.

It's just you and me now.

All alone.

Nice outfit.

Thanks.

I wore it special, just for you.

Look, Herbie, I
know we just met,

but I got to tell
you how I feel.

FBI men drive me wild.

I want you.

Oh, boy, Herbie,
get rid of them.

You could hurt a
person with those things.

Sorry.

Okay, Herb.

Let's hit the couch.

I can't. I'm on
duty, Miss DeFazio.

Would you forget that?

And, uh... why don't
you just call me...

Sweet Potatoes.

Miss Sweet Potatoes.

Yeah.

Herbie, what I'm
trying to tell you

is that after all these years,

I've decided to give
myself to my government.

Okay, pucker up.

Oh, no, no. Come
on, come on, Herbie.

No, please. Come on.

You don't understand
what I... oh!

Okay, ready. No, please.

You don't understand.

I'm a married man.

I got three kids
and a Schnauzer.

Come here!

No! Yes!

No!

Yes!

Please, Miss Potatoes!

Mash me, baby!

Laverne. Laverne.

Fresh!

Oh, quit pouting.

So you failed as
a tramp, so what?

I was a great tramp.

Hello.

We've been thinking.

This job is too big for
just the both of youse,

so we want to help.

That's right.

We want to join up.

Be Junior G-men.

You want to be
Junior G-men, huh?

Yes, please.

Let's see.

You know, maybe
I can think of a...

a really special
assignment to send you on.

Well, think hard.
Make it a good one.

What are you doing?

I'm going to write
a note to Carmine

and send it with
Lenny and Squiggy.

I think I got something
for you guys.

Oh, good, I hope it's
under-the-covers work.

Get serious, men.

Now, this is a top
secret assignment.

I want you to go
to Al's Delicatessen

and tell him that Herb sent you.

Right, tell Herb
that Al sent you.

Got it. Right.

When you're there, I
want you to ask him

for two submarine sandwiches.

Can you handle that?

Sure, you want sodas?

Wait a minute with the
sodas, will you please?

Who do you think you're
talking to here, two morons?

I should say not.

No, it sure ain't
those guys, no.

I wasn't born just
yesterday, right, Len?

No, I would've sent
you a card or something.

Well, I mean...

Well, what do you say
we get going, huh, Squig?

Okay, start up the
truck just in case

there's a bomb in the ignition.

Boy, you think of everything.

Oh, Squig.

What?!

Could you wait a minute?

And miss the bomb?

Squiggy,

you're going on a very
dangerous mission.

And we may never
see each other again.

Cover for me.

Uh, could we just give them

a minute of privacy?

They're real crazy
about each other.

I want to find a proper
way to say good-bye.

Why speak with words, Shirl,

when you can talk
with your mouth?

No.

This is very important.

Take this note and give
it to Carmine. Got that?

Give it to Carmine.
It's very important.

All right, okay.

Well, I must be off.

My work awaits.

What? No, no.

Will you please tell Carmine
to pick up his own mail?

Shh! I'm a G-man, not a mailman!

I wonder what this could say.

You don't have to eat the note,

but please just sit down and
stay out of trouble for a while?

Ron, will you chase
those two away?

Uh, no, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Honest, I won't try
to trick you or nothing.

Look, I'll even lock the door.

Sorry, Lenny and Squiggy,

the FBI men said
that you can't come in.

They're afraid you
might warn Carmine.

I feel bad about that.

Hey, it is Carmine,
the Big Ragu, open up!

Lenny, Lenny, quit
fooling around, Lenny.

Look, I don't want
to hurt you two guys.

I don't want to hurt you
two guys. Put them down.

Put them up. FBI.

Is this high enough?

All right, give me the package.

Come on. Hand it over.

All right, Ron, why don't
you get on the walkie-talkie...

You mind getting off?

You get on the walkie-talkie

and tell the other
lookouts we got our man.

Put your hands behind your back.

Don't worry, Carmine.

We'll visit you in the
slammer every weekend.

Carmine, why didn't you
run when we told you to run?

Uh, look, uh, you
guys wouldn't mind

if I were to ask a
stupid question?

What's going on here?

Oh, these FBI guys said that
Mr. Marzetti was expecting

some counterfeit plates
in a package and...

You thought I was in on it?

Well, we, we heard
you say that you were

going to bring a
package to Mr. Marzetti...

All right, where's the plates?

Plates? They're
called "tap shoes."

And they're for
Mr. Marzetti's daughter.

Hey, Herb, hold it.

Station B says they just
picked up Mrs. Marzetti,

and she had the
counterfeit plates.

You're innocent.
You're innocent.

Carmine, Carmine.

Well, Carmine, I
guess you're clean.

Look, I'm sorry for
the mix-up, huh?

It was an honest mistake.

Put her there.

Thanks a lot, girls, for
the use of the apartment.

You were a great help.

It's the least we could
do for our country.

Well, so long, cousins.

Good-bye.

Say "hi" to J. Edgar for us.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe I'll see you
later, uh, Sweet Potato.

Carmine.

How could you girls think
that after all these years

that I, the Big
Ragu, was a crook?

We didn't want to.

Aw, forget it. Look,
if you can't trust me,

we got no business
hanging around together.

Oh, wait a minute.
You can't leave.

Get out of the way. What
are you going to do? Hit me?

Oh, come on.

We're both sorry.

I couldn't stand to lose
you as a friend, Carmine.

Me, too.

You mean a lot to me.

Me, too.

Are you ever going to call
me "Angel Face" again?

Well, you did take a big chance
when you tried to warn me.

That's right, and
the worst part about it

is Laverne had to throw
herself at a married man.

That was the best part.

Come on. Forgiven?

How can I stay mad at you two?

Come on, plant one
right here. Right there.

Okay, let's dig in.

Hey-hey! Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Haven't we forgotten something?

Thank you, God, for this food,

and thank you for letting
us all be friends again.

God bless Mama, Daddy, Grandma,

Mindy, Cindy,

Mickey, Mikey, all
my animals and...

Amen. Amen.

Too bad, I was
just getting to you.

I can't figure it,

a generous guy
like Mr. Marzetti.

He ordered those tap shoes;

he said, "Keep the change,"

and he gave me a
crispy, brand-new, $50 bill.

Nice guy.

Hey, Laverne, got change for 50?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪