Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 5 - Laverne's Arranged Marriage - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Thank you! Thank you!



We'll be back after
a ten-minute break.

Buon giorno. Buon giorno.

Hey, you got a nice place here.

You doing pretty good, huh?

Ah, I-I work hard, I work hard.

Maybe you don't work hard
enough, you son of a gun, you.

Come on. Yeah.

Let's talk. Sure, come on.

Did you see those guys?

Of course I saw 'em... I
was looking at 'em. Yeah.

You know what they looked like,
they looked like gangsters to me.

Gangsters, yeah.
Uh-huh, gangsters.

You think they
went in there to...

to break Mr. DeFazio's legs?

I don't think so, 'cause he
didn't look scared enough.

No, he didn't. Maybe he's hiring
them to break somebody else's legs.

Gee, I hope so... this neighborhood
could use some kind of excitement.

Telling me.

You'd really have to hate
somebody bad, though,

to hire those guys
to bust you up.

Yeah. I wonder who
he could hate that much.

Well, there's...

But I don't want to
have my legs broken.

Just calm down, will you?

Don't get excited... act casual.

Uh, i-if they try to give
you the kiss of death,

play hard to get.

I'll-I'll tell you,
I'm so happy.

I've never been
happier in my whole life.

I-I'm so... It's a deal.

It's a deal, eh?

Two weeks, huh?

Get ready... you got two weeks.

We got two weeks to live!

Don't kiss me!

Don't kiss me, no, no, no.

Kiss him... oh, what a kisser.

You'll love him.
What are you...!

I-I'd really love to,
but I got a cold sore.

Wait!

Eh, don't pay 'em no attention.

Yes, Frank, you nice boy.

Two weeks, eh?

Yeah. Don't
forget, it's gonna be

the biggest celebration
that street's ever seen.

Buon giorno.

Hey, Frank,

wasn't that Nick Martino,
the Mozzarella King?

Yeah, that's also
Marcello, The Matchmaker.

Oh, Frank, you and I
don't need a matchmaker.

Not us, not us. Laverne.

She's gonna marry
Nick's nephew, Vito.

I didn't know that Laverne
was even dating Nick's nephew.

She's not, but he saw
her in church on Sunday...

Now he wants to marry her.

You mean, Laverne doesn't
even know about this?

No, but when she comes home
to my house for dinner tonight,

I'm gonna surprise her.

Some surprise!

Frank, this is not
the Old Country.

Don't you think Laverne should
have something to say about this?

She will, when she
walks down the aisle.

She'll say, "I do."

Laverne?

Hey, she's probably still
at her dad's eating dinner.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Well, I'm really glad
you talked me into staying

at Yeh Mee Loo's, Carmine.

Well, when I saw you
in the take-out line,

I figured, why
should you go home

and eat Chinese food
all alone, you know?

Yeah. It was kind of nice
having dinner together, wasn't it?

Yeah. Kind of like
old times, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, uh,

I could stay and bring
back some old memories.

Or I could leave and
never come back again.

No, no, no, no, no, no, don't
do that, don't do that. Oh, okay.

Uh, well, look, there's a
dance Saturday night...

What do you say we go together?

Okay, yes, that'd be sweet.

Yeah? Uh-huh.

You mean it's a
date? It's a date.

Oh, great. Okay.

Well, um... good night.

Good night.

Yeah, good night! Good night.

Carmine?

Yeah? Carmine, my keys.

Oh, yeah, the keys... I lost my
head there for a second there. Keys.

Yeah. Saturday night,
right? Saturday night.

♪ Some people call me... ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ My prince ♪

♪ Will come ♪

♪ Some... ♪

Don't you ever do that
to me again, do you hear?

Don't ever sneak up behind
me like that again, all right?

Okay?

Now, what are
you doing in there?

I'm running away.

In a closet?

No, I was just waiting for you
and Carmine to get finished.

Well, he's gone now, okay?

What is all this, huh?

Shirl... I got to get
out of town. What?

My pop arranged for
me to marry Vito Martino.

Who's Vito Martino?

Oh, you know, from church.

The guy with the square head,

no neck, and hair on his thumbs.

Oh! Oh, no! That Vito
Martino? Yeah, yeah, that's him.

Makes me sick.
Oh, that's terrible.

Okay, well, just calm
down, just calm down.

There's gonna be
no running away.

Just tell me what
happened, okay?

Well, everything was going real good
at dinner, you know? Mm-hmm, yeah.

My pop and I were playing table bocce
with the meatballs, you know? Yeah.

And I was winning. Yeah.

And, uh, then, the
next thing I know,

uh, he says, "You
got to marry Vito."

And I thought at first he
was just being a sore loser,

but, no, Shirl, he meant it.

Well, running away's
not gonna solve anything.

You know what you got to do.

You got to stand
up to your father,

and you got to tell him,

"I'm just not marrying
that blockhead."

You mean, just come
right out and tell him?

Yeah. No...

Are you afraid? I
can't believe this.

You, afraid?

You, who would stand up to
anybody, anytime, anyplace?

Yeah, that's me.

You're afraid of your father?

Yeah, that's me, too.

But you don't understand,
Shirl, he gets crazy, he yells...

And do you know that that man can
crush a full beer can in his hand, huh?

I'm just afraid of him.

Well, that's childish.

That's childish when it
comes to something like this.

You're an adult now.

You're an adult... you've
got to treat him like an adult.

He's got to treat
you like an adult.

You know what you should do?

You should begin
by calling him Frank.

Yeah? Yeah.

Look, I'll tell you what,
let's pretend, okay?

Let's pretend that I...

I am your father, and let's
pretend that you're you, okay?

Now, you tell me... tell
me what you got to tell me.

Frank?

Why, Laverne, you
sound so mature.

I can't marry Vito.

Not marry Vito?

Okay. Then don't.

Really? Yes.

Aw, gee, thanks, Pop!

Okay, see how easy it
is? You see how simple?

Sure... it was
you, it wasn't him.

It'll be just as easy with him.

I don't know, Shirl, I don't know.
You got to tell him, Laverne.

You've got to tell him.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

I'll tell him. You got to.

I mean, after all,
you marry a man...

you marry a man with a square
head, no neck, and hair on his thumbs,

you know what your
kids'll turn out to look like?

Hello.

Girls, your wash
day miseries are over!

Uh-huh. And once I get
finished plumbing up your pipes,

you can kiss your
leaks... good-bye.

There's got to be a full moon.

Okay, good night, boys.

You got to relax,
you got to relax today.

Okay, boys? Boys?

Boys, just leave right now.

Laverne and I are talking
about important things.

There is nothing more
important than Laverne here.

She's our little princess.
She's our big princess.

Yeah. Now, you be sure to tell
your father how much we care for you.

Oh, my goodness me,
look at all this clutter here.

Whoa, no, no, no, no,
don't say a word, Laverne.

I'll clean it up... I mean,
after all, Don't touch that.

What are friends for,
you know? Please...

You think they want something?

Get them out of here.

All right, that's it.

♪ ♪

Talk to your father.

But he might hit.

Don't be silly.

Just remember: adult to adult.

I got to talk to you, Frank.

Frank?

Who's Frank? Uh... I mean, Pop.

I got to talk to you,
Pop. Okay, talk.

All right, sit down.

Come on.

I just thought we could
have an adult-to-adult talk.

Okay, adult, talk.

Okay.

I ca-a...

I ca-a...

I can't marry Vito.

Sure, you can.

No, I can't.

It's all set.

Pop, I don't want to marry him;
he's not gonna make me happy.

Happy?

What's happy?

You know everybody here married?

You think they're happy?

I'll show you.

Everybody happy?

Huh? You see that?

Nobody's happy.

Yeah, but, Pop, I really don't
want to marry him. Please?

Don't whine.

Don't whine.

I don't like when you
whine, you understand that?

Don't whine.

What am I trying for you?

I want you to marry
into a good family

with lots of money,
and Vito's got that!

You understand that?

That's all I want.

But I... You're
gonna marry Vito!

Discussion closed!

Discussion open.

I'm not going to marry Vito.

I want to marry a guy I love.

I don't know when, I
don't know where, but I will.

And you can't run
my life no more, Pop.

And that's that.

You're not going to yell at me?

You're not going to hit me?

Come on, give me a
smack, just smack me one.

Here, Pop... break
another beer can.

Oh Pop, you got to talk,
you got to say something.

You're not fighting fair, Pop.

You got to talk to me.

You can't just not
say... Pop, please?

Please?

Hey, come on, watch it!

Sorry.

Right here...

What are you doing?
This ain't delivery day!

Of course, it ain't.

But this one is on us, bambino.

Yes. All us Italians have got
to stick together, don't you find?

Kosnowski is not Italian.

Well, you see, my
grandfather told me

that we come from the
Polish section of Italy.

A-A-And my mother has
known Italian men... well.

Yeah.

You know, we're
kinda like cousins.

You know, we're family.

I see you more as my uncle.

May I call you Uncle Frank?

Uncle Frank. Get out of here!

Go on!

Hello to you, my little
sister in Italianhood.

And hello to you, my
little sister in Italian...

You're Irish, get away from me.

Out! Out!

Laverne, Laverne.

I don't know why
we came down here.

He hasn't talked
to me in three days.

He's not going to talk to me.

Oh, pshaw, he's
softened up by now.

Just fling your arms wide
open and say, "Hi, Pop."

Hi, Pop.

He's not doing nothing.

Probably didn't hear you.

Hi, Mr. DeFazio.

Hi, Shirley.

Hi, Pop.

We're going to go bowling, Pop.

If you need any help
cleaning up, just say the word.

Any word.

I'll come on a grunt.

Well, well, well, well, well.

We can certainly
see how busy you are.

So... we'll finish our
little chat later, okay?

Nice talking to you, Shirley.

I told you. I told you.

He wouldn't even grunt at me.

You know what his
grunts mean to me.

Well, he was just about
getting ready to grunt.

Don't worry, Laverne,
he'll get over it.

He will.

Come on, let's bowl.

Oh, don't!

Shirley, The ball
return is broken.

Okay, thank you.

You see, he's worried about you.

He said Shirley.

That lousy repairman
is a week late.

Well, I can fix it, Pop.

I know this machine
like, like my own hand.

Just get me some pliers,
I'll have it working in no time.

Isn't that the sweetest thing?

Laverne's going to fix it.

Tell her she's fixed enough.

I can't take it anymore.

I might as well just marry Vito.

What am I being so
picky about anyway?

I'm no prize myself.

Laverne, the man has no neck.

Well, I'd rather have
no neck than no father.

Mr. DeFazio!

Mr. DeFazio... I have
had it just about up to here.

I have to talk to you.

Everybody wants to
talk. Go ahead, talk. Okay.

You... are making
Laverne very miserable.

I don't think I
like you anymore.

I think that you are
a very mean old man.

On the other hand, Laverne
will learn to live with this.

I'll go talk to her.

Hold it!

You started
something, now finish it!

Okay. Okay, all right.

But would you step away
from that beer can, please?

Stand right here? All right.

I'd like to make you
see how wrong all this is,

so let's pretend, okay?

Let's say that Laverne
does marry Vito, all right?

Good. Laverne marries Vito.

Okay, Laverne
marries Vito, all right.

Now, it's several years from
now, on a cold winter's night.

It's late.

But you're sitting up
watching television.

Jack Paar.

Okay, good, Jack Paar.

Suddenly, there's a
knocking at your door.

Come in.

I'll get it.

Why look who it is!

It's Laverne!

And she's holding your
treasured grandson in her arms.

Vito Junior.

No, no. No, no. Little Frank.

She wanted to
name him after you.

Is he cute?

Square head, no neck.

But... he does
have your eyebrows.

On his thumbs.

But let's ask Laverne
why she's here.

Laverne, why are you here?

What's that you say?

You've left Vito?

What?

I'll break his neck.

What neck?

It's not his fault, anyway.

And it's not her fault.

She tried to make the
marriage work for your sake.

But she found that she cannot
live with a man she doesn't love.

All of a sudden,
Laverne begins to cry.

Little Frank begins to cry.

Jack Paar begins to cry...

Jack Paar always cries.

Do you know why
everybody's crying?

Because years ago, when
Laverne really needed you the most...

you wouldn't talk to her.

I told you a thousand times,

you can't bowl when
you throw your wrist over.

You flap it over, it's
no good, I told you that.

You talking to me?

You see anybody
else around here?

Here, throw another ball.

Watch your wrist.

Strike. That's good.

Shirley yelled at me.

She did?

Yeah.

Well I'll tell her not to
yell at you no more, okay?

Is that all you
wanted to tell me?

Yeah.

Your mother and I had
an arranged marriage.

I know that, Pop.

It worked out pretty good.

I know that.

I just hope mine and
Vito works out as good.

I don't think you
should marry Vito.

I don't think he's
good enough for you.

Did you know that
he's got no neck?

Are you telling me I
don't got to get married?

The only thing is, why
did Shirley have to tell me?

Why didn't you tell me?

You can't talk to
your own father?

What do you think I
was doing the other day?

Yeah, but you surprised me.

I never... you never
did that before.

I know, but I had to.

I'm not a kid anymore, Pop.

I know.

I don't know where it happened.

But you became a woman.

Yeah?

No marriage.

That's settled.

I guess I haven't got
a little Muffin anymore.

Oh, no, Pop.

You'll always have
your little Muffin.

You can come out, Shirl.

Everything's okay.

Oh, Muffin... Oh, Pop.

That was beautiful,
just beautiful.

I want a nickname.

Who can I be?

Kitten? Princess?

No, they're already taken
on Father Knows Best.

Oh, gee... I know a
nickname. Really?

You know the name? What?

The name you had
when you was a little girl.

Oh, no, I don't think
she's going to like that...

Oh, I want it, no, I do,
really, I do, I want it.

What was it?

Messy Pants. Messy Pants.

Messy Pants?

Well, I... That's not cute.

Listen, I'm going to make

a family size pizza for
the three of us, okay?

Okay.

I had something a little nicer in
mind, you know, like Blossom.

Oh, I think it fits.

What do you want on
your pizza, Messy Pants?

Don't call me that, Laverne.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪