Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Robot Lawsuit - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Come on, Laverne, let's hurry.



The toy store's about to close.

Hey, Shirl, I think

there's whole other room
of toys in here. Come on.

Did you see that crab
thing moves up and down?

Oh... Isn't this the
most wonderful place

in the whole world?

Sabu, the Jungle Boy.

Look at this doll,
isn't she pretty?

Oh... Oh!

You know what this
reminds me of? What?

That Christmas morning
Shirley Temple spent

at that rich kid's
house in Heidi.

Remember that?

"Grandfather, Grandfather.

"Please, I want to go
home, Grandfather.

I want to go home!"

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

Uh, do you think
you could help us?

I'll try.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think you understand.

Huh? No.

I'm looking for birthday gifts

for my two little twin nieces.

Oh, sure, sure.

They're beautiful little girls,

and I want to buy
a lovely gift for them

that will cost me

no more than two
dollars and 50 cents.

You want the cheap stuff.

Well, if that's the
way you want to put it.

"Roger the Robot,
every kid's pal."

Hey, Shirl, come over
here and look at this thing.

Shh! Shh! Would you please
be quiet in a place like this!

Yeah, but you got to see
this thing, I'm telling you.

Will you shut up!

She's no fun.

Okay. "Push his buttons
and he'll follow you anywhere."

Okay, Rog, I'll be your pal.

Come here.

Holy gee! Look at that! Stop!

Oh, right arm... down.

Left arm... down.

"Head."

Oh, gee! Look at him!

This is the greatest thing
I've ever seen in my whole life!

Shirl, get over here,
you got to see this!

Laverne, he's going
to wrap 'em for them.

I got them the cutest little
gift called a Cootie Bug.

You roll the dice and...
Forget the Cootie Bug.

Roger, meet Shirley.

Shirley, Roger.

Okay, Rog, shake
hands with Shirl.

Oh! Oh, oh! Give me that!

Sure, sure, now you want to.

Well, I get a turn,
you had a turn.

Okay, let me see.

"Arm down."

Oh, my goodness!

Turns around.

Oh, isn't that the
cutest little thing!

"Forward."

Isn't that the cutest
thing you ever saw!

Oh, if I could get
Mindy and Cindy this...

Hey, Shirley, he's going
into the wall. Turn him around.

He's going into the wall.

Turn him. Stop him. Stop him.

Well, unstuck it. Unstuck it.

He's going into the wall!

If we break it, we got to pay!

Okay, okay, okay,
leave it alone.

We never saw it.
Look at something else.

Oh, look at this
beautiful little doll.

Oh, I wish we could
get the girls this.

There's a little man in there.

Oh, Laverne...

Oh, my little baby, oh, my baby.

There's a girl...
What are you...!

What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!

What are you doing down there?!

Help me!

What are you doing down there?!

Help me, help me!

Where is a crowbar!
Where is a...!

He's breaking my neck!

Oh, my neck...

Shirl...

Hello, Laverne.

Hi, Mr. Bunny.

How are you feeling?

Well, as long as
I move real slow

and don't move my
neck at all, I'm fine.

Aw...

You know, you really ought
to go and see the doctor.

I don't want to see
a doctor, Mr. Bunny.

Well, I know.

I'm going to get
somebody down here

who's really going
to make you happy.

Who are you going to get?

Is it going to be a guy?

Oh, I know who
you're going to get.

I know.

Hello, Laverne.
How you doing, huh?

I'm Mr. Getwell.

Oh, I love those
little eyes and nose...

Yeah, well, you know,

you've been such a good girl,

not whining or anything
like you usually do,

that Mr. Getwell is going
to treat you to a little song.

♪ Oh, I... ♪

♪ Had a little chicken
and it wouldn't lay an egg ♪

♪ So I boiled hot water,
got the little chicken's leg ♪

♪ And the little
chicken hollered ♪

♪ And the little
chicken begged ♪

♪ Then the dumb little
chicken laid a hardboiled egg ♪

♪ Dum da de dum dum, da da. ♪

Okay, well, well, well,
well, Mr. Getwell has to be

leaving now because
all the blood is rushing

to Mr. Getwell's head, and
it's giving him a throbbing pain.

Shirl, help me to the couch.

Explain something
to me, will you?

Just explain something to me.

Why is life constantly
spitting in our faces, huh?

Oh, no, no.

That's the chicken soup.
I dribbled it all over me.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

Look at this.

This morning we go
down to the toy store

and try and buy birthday
gifts for two sweet little girls.

And what happens to us?

Some cockamamie
robot goes haywire

and tries to have
his way with you.

Lean back. Lean
back onto my hip.

And he pounds your
head into the ground.

And after that...

you end up walking around
like the bride of Frankenstein,

and we owe the
toy store 120 bucks.

Now, if that don't
take the cake, Laverne,

I don't know what does.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

No, I'll...

Ye... Yes?

Hello, my name
is Robert Markland.

I'm a lawyer.

Oh.

Oh dear, the toy
store's sending a...

Oh, no, they didn't send me.

Benny, the guy on the corner
that sells newspapers sent me.

He told me that somebody
had trouble in the toy store,

and I think I can help you.

Oh, Laverne, there's an attorney
here. He says he can help us.

Yeah, I want to see him.

Get me up. I want to see him.

Okay.

Here, here you go.

Uh, Mr. Markland, this
is Laverne DeFazio.

This is, uh, Mr. Markland.

Oh!

That's some big lawyer there.

Uh, you must have
been in the accident, too.

It marred your whole face.

No, that's, uh, Mr. Getwell.

It's just one humiliation
after another, isn't it?

Tell me, is your neck stiff?

Oh, boy, it hurts
to beat the band.

Here, let me put
this collar on you.

Is that going to
make me feel better?

Who knows?

But keep it on
and don't take it off

until after we're finished
suing the toy company.

Suing the toy company?

No, no, I don't think so.

You see, we've got

enough people
angry with us as it is,

and we owe $120
to the toy store.

We don't want to...

Yeah, they gave us
this bill this morning.

Hey, forget about this.

Did you see that?

Can he do that?

That's some lawyer.

You mean, if we
sue the toy company,

then we don't have
to pay that bill?

That's right.

That's great.

Uh, yes, except
that I don't think

that we'll be able to pay you.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I just get one-third

of what we get from
the toy company.

And we're going to sue them
for a hundred thousand dollars.

Oh...

What was that?

$100,000.

Aw, this don't work either.

Geez, this is the creepiest-
looking thing I've ever seen.

Hello.

Arms for the poor.
Arms for the poor.

Come on, Laverne.

Just a couple of
bucks to help out

a couple of lost souls
on the road to no place.

Us, he's talking.

Oh, what are you doing?

You know I ain't got no money.

Aw, come on. We
heard you're getting

a hundred thousand dollars

and we want our share.

Yeah, all we want
is $5,000, you know.

Then you won't have to
see us for a couple of weeks.

Do you understand English?

I ain't got no money.

Gee, are you selfish!

Well, we ain't leaving
here until we get our cut.

Oh, yeah? You want to bet?

Don't move your ground.
Don't give her an inch.

I ain't giving her an inch.

Get up. You leave him alone.

My neck moved!

Did not. It's right
there under your head.

No, I can move my
neck! Look at that!

You guys helped me move my neck!

Thanks, Squig. Thanks, Len.

Thanks. Thanks a whole lot.

Think nothing of it.

No, no, think something of it.

Now that we' cured you,

we really got a
reason for that money.

The $5,000's out.
We want $10,000 now.

Guys, there ain't
going to be any money

'cause now I don't have to sue.

Look at this.

Boy, is that gratitude for you.

All right. Lenny,
all right, all right.

These are desperate times.

We'll just have
to take our brain

and put it into our own hands.

You want to do
that outside, boys?

What are you talking about?

What I'm talking about is we're
going to hold our own accident.

And it's going to be
the biggest accident

this town has ever seen!

Great! What should I wear?

I wouldn't be in such a
hurry to drop your case.

They're going to make
you pay the $120. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's true, Carmine,
but what can we do?

We can't go to court.
Her neck is okay.

Oh, sure, it's okay now, but
how about six months from now?

Who knows how she'll feel then?

I mean, these things can flare
up when you least expect it.

Yeah, I could flare.

Sure, and when
you do, you get stuck

with all the doctor
bills, and then what?

Forget it, it's too late.

You can't do nothing.

So, if you want to be safe,
protect yourself right now.

Yeah, well, maybe
Carmine's right.

I mean, didn't
you have a relative

that got into a car
accident or something?

My Aunt Moselle?

Yeah, that's the one.

Yeah, when she totaled
the vegetable truck,

wrapped it around
the telephone pole?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's true.

She felt good the
next day, then bingo!

Six months later, she could
not perform her wifely duties.

You mean she
couldn't cook and clean?

Zilch-o.

Geez, no wonder
they're always so cranky.

Oh, those wifely duties!

I got it now. I
didn't get it before.

Well, that's it...
We're going to court.

Please, state your full name.

Shirley... Feeney.

I'm sorry, I-I didn't
get the middle name.

Shirley Wilomina Feeney.

Order.

Order!

It happens to be her
dead grandmother's name.

Not so funny now, is it?

Uh, Miss Feeney, you are
the roommate of Miss DeFazio?

Yes, I am, and proud of it.

Just yes or no, Miss Feeney.

Yes, I am, and proud of it.

Uh, isn't it safe to say
that Miss DeFazio is...

basically a... dishonest person?

I object.

Me, too!

Your Honor, I-I merely
intend to establish

background which will
give motivation for the attack

on Roger the Robot.

Objection overruled.

Answer the question.

Laverne is extremely honest.

Remember, you're
in a court of law.

Fairly honest.

You mean that
she has never taken

anything that wasn't hers?

A bottle of beer, a street sign,
larks, whims, childish pranks.

Uh-huh, but what
about the fork lift?

That was a large,
childish prank.

We were on a scavenger hunt.

So now we've established

that she is a thief.

What?

Now, hasn't Miss DeFazio

also been known to cheat?

No, no, absolutely not.

Never, never, never.

Now, now, now,
careful, Miss Feeney.

Or do I have to call your old
history teacher, Mrs. Chomsky?

Mrs. Chomsky!

Mrs. Chomsky, hi.

How you doing?

Oh, I remember that.

This is just like
This Is Your Life.

Sit down, sit down.

Well... Well, there
is, there is a short

and humorous, uh, story
connected with all this.

You see, Laverne
hadn't studied for the test,

so I let her copy
just a little...

Oh, oh, so you cheated, too?

Oh, you would lie and
cheat to help your friend.

No... No, I...

No, no, you would lie and cheat

like you're doing right now
about this innocent robot.

Yes. I mean, no. No, I wouldn't.

Let's face it, aren't
the two of you

just a, a-a couple of chiselers

who are trying
to hop a free ride

at the toy company's expense?

Answer me, answer me!

Objection! Counsel is
badgering the witness.

Yeah, don't badger,
or else I'm gonna...

You're gonna what?

You're gonna hit me?

Now, that's very interesting.

I thought you said
you could hardly move.

You may step down.

Your witness.

But you see, justice was served

because both of
us flunked that test.

That will be all, Miss Feeney.

Uh... In fact,

you see, we almost
flunked the course.

We almost didn't graduate.

Oh, I cracked just
like on Perry Mason.

I cracked.

Great witness.

Five more minutes and
you would have confessed

to the Lindbergh kidnapping.

You leave her alone.
She did her best.

That guy was just
too tricky for her.

Okay, he won the battle,
so we'll change strategy.

What?

I'm going to put
you on the stand.

Wait, wait. You said I
didn't have to do nothing

except wear this neck brace

and sit here and look pathetic.

And you did it well.

Thank you.

Now just get on the stand

and answer yes
to all my questions.

Just say yes.

Wait, does, does that mean

that I'm gonna have to lie?

Trust me. I'm your lawyer.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the system.

Yeah, but, but am
I gonna have to lie?

It's all part of the system.

I think he wants
me to lie, Shirl.

Don't lie.

I call my first witness,
Laverne DeFazio.

He said I didn't
have to go up there.

Uh...

as you can see, Your Honor,
she is completely incapacitated.

Raise your right hand.

Do you solemnly
swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

I can't hear you, Miss DeFazio.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

Be seated.

Easy, now.

Now, is your name
Laverne DeFazio?

Yes.

And, uh, were you
attacked by that robot?

Yes.

Since that attack, isn't it true

that you've been
in constant agony,

and have not had one
moment without pain?

A simple yes will do.

Answer the question,
Miss DeFazio.

Well, you see, I-I, uh...

All you have to say is yes.

A hundred thousand dollars...

I repeat, haven't you

been in constant agony
since your accident?

No.

Yay!

Yay!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Would you like to tell us
the truth, Miss DeFazio?

Yeah.

I went to the toy store

where Roger the Robot lives,

and I did push his
buttons and everything,

and then the next thing
I know, he goes crazy.

He grabs me by the neck...

What are you doing?!

Help me! Help me, please.

What are you doing?

What are you doing down there?!

Help! Help!

Where is a crowbar?

What are you...?

So the damage really
wasn't our fault there.

I mean... we don't want
anything we don't deserve.

You see the only thing
we were really interested in

and worried about
was the $120. See...

that's a heck of a lot of
money to people like us

and... well, you may not
know this, but we live in a cellar.

And we would really like...

Let's get on with the
truth, Miss DeFazio.

Yeah, well, my neck
was real, real sore at first,

but then it started
feeling a lot better,

and, well, I guess,
in the long run,

I will be able to
perform my wifely duties.

Well, that about
wraps things up now.

If everybody just
would like to follow us,

we'll have, uh, pound cake
and coffee at our house.

Don't move!

Miss DeFazio has just admitted

she's a bald-faced liar.

Now we intend to
sue for damages!

What?! For damages?

You're absolutely right!

These girls lied to
me also. Oh, you.

I withdraw from this case.

I didn't know they were thieves.

You are in big trouble.

Step down!

What are you talking about?

You wanted me... Shut up, you!

Shut up, Shirl!

Now, I ain't stepping nowhere.

So this is the system, huh?

This guy, with
all his tricky talk,

tries to get my best friend here

to say things she
doesn't even mean,

and this old tubby here...

who is supposed
to be on our side,

wants me to get up
on the stand and lie.

So I came up on this here
stand and I told the truth.

And what happens?

I'm the one who
lands up in trouble.

Well, if this is
your system, sir,

I think your system stinks.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Order!

Order!

Both the attorneys
come into my chamber,

and bring that robot.

Boy, we never should
have come to this court.

It's not a place
for people like us.

We can't win nothing.

This whole thing has
blown up right in our faces.

I know, I know.

Do you know that the judge

could send us away
to the Big House, huh?

For what?

We didn't do anything.

Well, attempted lying.

That's good for
five to ten years.

Oh... Assault on a robot.

God knows what
you get for that one.

All rise!

They killed the robot!

They killed Roger!

Be seated.

Miss DeFazio.

Here.

Please approach the bench.

Can my friend come with me?

No, no. Yes.

Out of our way.

I have made some of my own tests

with Roger the Robot...

and they proved conclusively

that it is a defective
and dangerous toy.

He's lucky I only
ripped his head off!

The court rules in favor
of Laverne DeFazio.

Oh, thank youse,
Judge, thank you.

Oh, and I'm real sorry if I said
anything bad about your system.

Aww...

Are we still gonna get the
hundred thousand dollars?

No.

But you don't have to pay
the $120 to the toy company.

Oh! That's wonderful.

And the toy company

will be responsible for
all your medical bills.

Now, that's what you
really wanted, wasn't it?

Yeah. That's great.

That's just great.

But we coulda used a
hundred thousand dollars.

You see, girls,
the system works.

Not always smoothly,

but that's the fault of
those who abuse it...

Like your attorney,

who will meet in my
chambers after court.

Case is closed.

Oh, hey.

I like doing that.

This court
business is all right.

I mean, look at
how this turned out.

Two little people stand
up to a big toy company

and we win.

We won. Isn't that
wonderful? Yeah.

Doesn't that make
you feel great?

But we didn't get no
hundred thousand dollars.

Well, Laverne...

Yeah, but think, Shirl. Think.

Think of what we could have done
with a hundred thousand dollars.

We could have gone
on the Wisconsin

Cheese Tasting Tour.

Gosh.

We could move to Kenosha.

Next case, please.

Squiggman and Kosnowski v.
The Blammo Fireworks Company.

Will you get them out of here?

This is the third time
they've been in this week.

No, this is really good, though.

He's got internal bleeding...
Check his pockets.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dream come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪