Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Pact - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
It's the old seven-ten split,
the old bow-legged woman.
Look it, you got the ten
pin over there, right? Yeah.
Okay, you got the seven
pin over there, right? Right.
Hit the ten pin, boing...
Lands, rolls over,
knocks over the seven pin, boom.
If anything you got
to hit the seven pin
and hope it goes over
and hits the ten pin.
Believe me, I know
what I'm talking about.
You don't know anything. I know
exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm not going to look
at you! You neither!
All right! Teamwork.
All right, all right, all right.
Thank you.
Thanks, Pop. Thank
you very much.
And you said he wouldn't notice.
Oh, let's go show off our
new shirts to the boys, huh?
Oh, boys.
Hi, boys. Hello.
Hi, girls, how are you,
how are you, how are you?
Notice anything
different about us?
I know, I know.
You dyed your hair the
same color it was before.
No, we got new bowling shirts.
Now what do you
think? Look at this.
Look at the back on this.
Oh! Wow! Ah, Ah, Ah!
Oh, come on, fellas,
they're nice, but
they're not all that nice.
They're absolutely wonderful!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Would you look at this?
Look what he did
to my shirt! Oh!
Uh...
Go in the ladies room
and try and wash it off.
Heh, heh, heh.
You see that sign
up there, Shotz B?
I'm Squiggy Shotz.
And that there, uh, that there,
is my nephew, my
nephew, Lenny Shotz.
Pleased to meet...
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Cricket Grabowski.
Oh, Cricket.
Do those legs make music
when you rub them together?
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, Cricket.
All right you two, beat it.
Look who's
telling us to beat it,
old coat and tie over here.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, how do you want it?
You want it together, you
want it one at a time, hmm?
Does this man want
to rumble with us?
Is that what you're saying,
you want to rumble with us?
He wants to rumble.
Why don't you step into my
office here? Why don't you?
What's the matter with
you, chicken or something?
Step into my office here.
When he gets mad,
it gets very messy.
So you want to rumble, huh?
You know, you got
a pretty face there.
You better take a
real good look at it
and remember it
good, you understand?
'Cause we're going to
make it look like Wheatena.
Okay, Lenny, kill him.
Stop it you two, come on.
Ow! You gave me an Indian burn.
They didn't muss
you up, did they?
Oh, I hope not.
Go into the Pizza Bowl
and get a beer and cool off.
Go on, go on, go on.
Listen, if anyone asks,
we're brewmeisters.
I'll explain later.
So long there, Cricket.
Boy, am I going to
dream about her tonight.
Just don't make
those gurgly sounds.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Oh, yes?
Bart.
Oh, Shirley... Feeney.
You know, you've got spunk.
Oh... pshaw.
No, I mean it, you see,
it's all right here
in your palm.
Now this is your life line.
Uh-huh.
You've got a long,
happy life in front of you.
Oh, read on, handsome gypsy boy.
And this is your love line.
I've never seen one so long.
Well, the Feeneys have
always been passionate people.
And we're going
out to dinner tonight.
You can tell that
by reading my palm?
No, I can tell that by
looking in your eyes.
Oh... What about her?
Cricket? Yes.
It's just a physical attraction.
I can... I can certainly
understand that.
I can't talk to her the
way I can talk to you.
You understand a man like me.
You've got spunk.
Well, I do have an
awfully long spunk line.
Listen, I'll call you.
All right.
I'm in the phone book
under Spunky Shirley Feeney.
Don't forget dinner.
Come on, Cricket.
Squiggy must use
axle grease on his hair.
I had to soak the whole
thing, there's no towels in there.
Shirl?
Hey, Shirl?
Come on, let's bowl.
Are you bowling or what?
Laverne, the craziest,
most wonderful thing
has just happened.
Squiggy got drafted.
No, no, do you remember
that girl that was over there?
That, that tall...
Uh, the one with
the big sweater?
Yes! Yes. Yeah.
Well, her escort came in
to meet her and, Laverne,
he is everything you would
ever imagine him to be.
Yeah, well, that figures.
Well, listen to this.
He left Blondie and asked
me to go out with him tonight.
Oh, well, that don't figure.
Okay, which one
is he, point him out.
Point him out to
me. Which one is he?
He left with her.
He asked you out
and he left with her?
Yes, well... That's great.
You see, it's just a pure
physical attraction
between them.
I mean, where can a
relationship like that go, huh?
To the park, to a
convertible, to a phone booth.
You'd make out in a phone booth?
Well, not just with anybody.
Yeah, with anybody.
I'll tell you the truth,
I'm so glad you're
filling in for Mary.
Helping out. Because otherwise,
I'd be in a lot of trouble.
Hey, Frank, I'm
here a half an hour.
I'm here longer.
Here you go, two beers.
Oh, Laverne, I'm
so sorry. I overslept.
Why didn't you wake me up, huh?
'Cause you were sleeping there
with that big
smile on your face.
What were you doing,
dreaming about Bart?
Oh, you got it.
What a time we had
on our date last night.
Yeah? What time did you get in?
We got in at 2:45.
He left at 3:47.
Ooh, what did you do?
The first five minutes we spent
just looking longingly
into each other's eyes.
Then he nibbled all
the way up my neck
and whispered ever
so sweetly into my ear...
More glasses!
More glasses.
I'll get them, I'll get them.
Wait 'till you hear what
happened at 3:15, Laverne.
Oh, you lucky dog.
Here's your pie.
That's it, get out of
here, clear out, come on,
sit down here's your table, let
me clean up some of this mess.
Spaghetti on the floor...
boy, some people
are pigs, aren't they?
Hi ya, gorgeous.
Gorgeous who?
You, gorgeous.
Yeah?
Something told me from
the minute I walked in here
that I had to read your palm.
What is this?
Are we on Candid
Camera, is that it?
Hello, hello, Mr. Funt.
Come out, come
out wherever you are.
No, no, no, I
mean it, I can feel it.
You can, uh, you can tell a lot
about a woman from her palm.
Now... Wait a second...
It might smell from
cheese, I been working here.
You've got a delicate,
beautiful, little palm.
Aw, this is Candid Camera.
Where's Funt? Hiding
in the bathroom?
Hey, Funt, come out here, Funt!
There's no Funt.
No Funt?
No Funt.
Now, this right
here is your life line.
You've had a... That's a scar.
A tough life.
You're telling me?
I could tell you such stories.
And this is your love line.
Uh, something tells me
that this is your
love line... you know?
No, I mean it.
I've never seen
such a long love line.
And we're going out
to dinner Tuesday night.
You can't see that in my palm.
That's right, I can't.
Oh.
I can see it in your eyes.
Aww.
Tuesday, 8:00.
I'll meet you here.
I'll give it back Tuesday, 8:00.
I got them, I got them.
Bart!
Bart?
Bart, what are you...
Did you come down
here to surprise me?
I came to take you
away from all this.
Oh, you got it, mister,
right after the lunch rush.
Laverne!
Laverne, you're never
going to guess who this is.
This is Bart. Bart.
Right!
Bart, this is Laverne,
this is my roommate,
and my best friend
in the whole world.
No kidding.
Hey, are you going
to clean up this mess?
I got a bigger mess, buddy.
Laverne.
Laverne.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Babish.
I was just trying to dry
some of the clothes here.
Oh, yeah, I got your message.
I know the clothes
dryer in the basement
has been on the blink for days.
Your father promised me
he'd come over and fix it today.
Yeah, well, the
message I left you
wasn't really about the dryer.
Oh?
Uh, you see, I got this problem.
Want some milk and Pepsi?
No, thank you.
You know, Mrs. Babish,
we never really... talk.
We talk.
No, I know we talk,
but I mean, talk, talk.
Oh, you want to talk, talk.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I have this problem
and I was hoping maybe
you could help me with it.
I mean, my Pop told me that
you've really been around...
Oh, I didn't mean
bad been around.
It's just that
you've done it all.
Oh, that's not
what I mean either,
I don't know if
you've done it all,
it doesn't even matter
to me what you done.
Look, look, I understand.
You do?
Yeah, what's your problem?
Okay. If you knew
that your friend,
uh, was going out
with a guy who was
two-timing her...
would you tell her?
Oh. I see.
Well, it was nice
of you to tell me
before I hear it on the street.
I don't think you would
hear it on the streets.
All right, who is Frank
two-timing me with?
That Mrs. Lockwash?
No, no, it's Shirley.
Frank's going out with Shirley?
No, no, here calm down.
Take a drink of this, will you?
No.
Some guy that Shirley likes...
is trying to date
me, there I said it.
That's crummy!
Yeah, I know, I mean, I'd
never go out with the guy,
but... I don't know
what to tell Shirl.
Well, you could tell her,
but you stand the risk
of losing a good friend.
Yeah, that's what
I was afraid of.
So I don't tell her, huh?
Well, then again,
if you don't tell her,
then she might hear it
and then she'll really be hurt.
Yeah, well, I don't
want to hurt her.
Look, all right, tell me
the whole thing now.
When did they meet?
Well, they met yesterday
after work at the bowling alley.
They went out last
night, stayed out late,
and they're out this afternoon.
That's a date and a half
and it ain't even
Saturday night yet.
When things happen that
fast, they usually fizzle out.
Yeah, well, Shirley don't
fizzle that easy, you know?
Look, maybe you're making
a mountain out of a molehill.
Yeah, I just don't know.
Well, has she told you
that this is her Mr. Right?
No.
Well, then, chances
are it's not serious.
So I keep my mouth shut?
Yeah. Yeah, I love it
when the answer to a
problem is to do nothing.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Mrs. Ba... Edna.
You've really been a big help.
Aw, don't mention it.
You know something?
My pop's got good taste.
Thanks.
But he's wrong about one thing.
What?
I haven't done it all,
but I ain't dead yet.
She's a heck of a lady.
Can't fold a sheet, though.
Oh, Lordy, look at this place.
Now, Bart will be
here any minute.
Mine, mine.
This is... Let's
see, that's yours.
Okay, mine, mine... Uh, Bart.
Aren't you tired
of that Bart yet?
Are you kidding me?
Never.
Laverne, would you please
do me a favor and iron that?
I don't have time, thank you.
Oh, sure, sure.
You know, Shirl,
I've been thinking.
We don't know a heck of
a lot about this Bart guy.
Would you please get that?
Hello.
Oh, hi, Bart.
Speak of the devil.
Tell him I'll be
ready in 20 minutes
and that he's my
little pookie bear.
I'm not telling him he's
your little pookie bear.
Oh, you heard that, huh?
Yeah, well... What?
No, you're not on for Tuesday
night or any other night.
You're supposed to be
calling Shirley, not me.
Now, don't call me
anymore, and I mean it.
Isn't he something?
Oh, yeah, he's
something, all right.
Listen, Laverne, when Carmine
comes by with the suitcase,
just let him in, all right?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why is Carmine coming
by with a suitcase?
'Cause I want fancy
luggage for the weekend.
Let go, quit playing!
Well, just... I'm in a hurry.
Slow down for a minute.
I want to hear
about the weekend.
Laverne, Bart and I had such
a wonderful time this afternoon
that he wants me to spend
the rest of the weekend with him
in his cabin at Lake Whitefish.
A weekend, that sounds serious.
It is serious.
Laverne, this is it.
This is Mr. Right.
Are you going to grab me again?
No, no.
Mr. Right?
Shirl, I got to talk to you.
Oh, Laverne, do you think I
could borrow your red scarf?
Pretty please, pretty
please, please, please?
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Okay... Look, you see,
I got to tell... you something.
No, not this time,
Boo Boo Kitty.
Uh, which one, which one of
these sweaters would you take
if you were me? Well...
The blue one goes with
my... I'll take 'em both.
Shirl, listen to me,
listen to me for a second. What?
I didn't want to tell you
this, but I got no choice.
Bart asked somebody
else out for a date.
Well, of course he did,
He asked a lot of girls out.
Who could say no to him?
That's all in his
past now anyway.
He asked somebody
out this afternoon.
No, now, he couldn't
have because, you see,
he was with me all afternoon,
and he didn't speak to
another girl after we left you.
You?
Yeah, but I didn't know
who he was at the time,
honest, I swear to God, and I'm
not going out with him anyway.
No, there must be some mistake.
You see, he probably
meant that the three of us
should get together
sometime and go out, that's it.
Shirl, it wasn't that way.
Well, what did he say, then?
Explain to me
exactly what he said.
I don't know
exactly what he said.
Well, then, you
probably don't know
at all, then, do you? I know.
"You have a long love line.
"I've never seen
such a long love line.
We're going out to dinner,
I can see it in your eyes."
No, I told you that.
He told me that.
I told you that!
He told me that!
I must have told you that!
Well, then, you must
have thrown yourself at him.
I did not! You must have.
How did he get your palm?
He went like that and
felt it! Don't touch me!
I did not throw
myself at anybody.
Can't you get it
through your thick head
that that's his line?
That whole thing, he
uses it on everybody.
I don't want to hear about this.
I don't want to hear another
word, not another syllable.
Okay. You know
something? I'm surprised.
I wouldn't do this to
you if it was your guy.
He's nobody's guy.
He's a lousy two-faced liar.
What are you talking about?
I said I'd bring the
suitcase over and here it is.
All right, Carmine,
just please come in
and please be quiet.
Carmine, will you please get
out of here? We're trying to talk.
All right, just let
me unlock this.
I got the key here
somewhere. You know what?
You know what you do,
you know what you do?
You, you throw
yourself at guys, you do!
I do not. You attack them.
You do, I've seen it. What?!
I've seen it. How?
How? That walk
of yours, that walk.
How you doing, sailor?
Buy me a six-pack
and anything goes.
Well, I guess I'll be
running along now.
I do not do that. You do that!
You do that, I've
seen you do it.
You know what you
are? I do not do that.
You are easy. I am not easy.
Yes, you are, you are
easy. I am not easy.
Remember at Otto's Snakepit?
Tell her, tell her.
Remember at Otto's?
Remember? Tell
her. Go ahead, tell me.
It's nice seeing you
both again, you know.
You with that phony
pure and innocent bit.
Phony pure and innocent?
That's right. I happen
to be pure and innocent.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah?
Carmine, Carmine...
What about in the drive-in
with Tony Grimaldi?
Oh! You fibber.
All this time, you told
me you never looked.
I was with Norman Gooberman.
What else was there
for me to do, huh?
Who's right?
Just say thanks for the
suitcase, I'll get out of here.
Oh, and that helpless
little petunia act.
You've seen that, Carmine,
you even went out with her.
Always with that little
scarf in your hand.
"Oh, oh, could someone please
help me open my beer bottle?
How about you, you
big, tall, handsome man?"
I never do that.
Have I ever done that with you?
Have I ever... have
I ever done that?
Where are you going?
Who, me? Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to leave.
You girls probably
want to be alone
so you can hurt
each other in private.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
Making a terrible scene
in front of Carmine like that.
Boy, I hate it when you blame
me for things that you start.
You hate it when
I blame you...?!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
You want to know what I hate?!
You want to hear what I hate?!
La, la, la... You want
to hear what I hate?!
I'll tell you what I hate.
This! This is what I hate!
I hate milk and Pepsi!
I mean, what kind of a
concoction is that to drink?!
Milk and Pepsi...
Only fools would drink
a concoction like that!
You hate this, huh?
Yes, I do.
Mm-mm, good.
I hate that, I hate
that, I hate that.
Do you hate it?
Well, take your hate
for that and double it
and you get the way I feel
about the way you stir your tea.
My tea? That's right.
You have to take your cup...
And it's not bad enough
that you got to clang it
around on the inside...
No... no, that's not enough.
Then you got to finish it off
by clanging it on the outside.
Well, next time try
clanging it with this.
My official Nancy Drew spoon.
Okay.
All right.
Let's talk about
"L" s, shall we?
"L" s all over everything!
"L"s to the left of me,
"L"s to the right of me!
You know why you
put "L" s on everything?
Yeah, because... So
that I can't borrow it.
That's why, that's why.
Oh... get out of here.
Give me that!
You know what I'm
going to do with this?
I'm going to flush it.
You wouldn't dare...
You wouldn't dare.
Come here... come here!
Come here with that!
Okay, okay, you know what
I'm going to do with this spoon?
I'm going to give it to Squiggy
and I'm going to let
him put it in his mouth
and lick, lick, lick it,
and then I'm going
to put it in his hair.
If that's Bart, I'll be
leaving with him in a minute!
Good, you both
deserve each other.
Laverne... what's the matter?
Oh, you're jealous.
Don't worry, we're still
on for Tuesday night.
We're not on for any night.
Sure we are, it's destiny.
It's in your palm.
Touch my palm and you'll
be picking your teeth out of it.
Now look, you're just
upset about Shirley
and believe me,
there's no reason to be.
We just have a
physical attraction.
I can't talk to her
the way I talk to you.
You... you understand
a man like me.
Yeah, I understand
a guy like you.
You're a creep.
Who is it, Laverne?
It's... It's your pookie bear.
Oh, Bart!
What are you doing here?
I'm here for our trip
to Lake Whitefish!
Oh dear, we must have
gotten our arrows crossed.
I'm not going away with you.
You're kidding. No.
I mean, your bag's packed,
you're ready to go, come on.
Yes, well I am going
away for the weekend,
but I'm not going away with you,
I'm going away with
someone else. Who?
Uh, I'm... Ah, Franklin!
Franklin! Franklin?
Where are you
taking me, Franklin?
To fix the clothes
dryer... Oh, what a wit.
What a sense of humor.
Shall we fly to Miami again?
Miami?
How about you, Laverne, hmm?
You know what I
see in your palm?
A very lonely weekend.
My hat!
And don't come back!
Franklin?
Going to Miami?
I'll explain it
all to you later.
What do you mean later?
I saw it now, I
didn't see it later!
Guy come in there... he...
Look how she's sitting there...
Come on, go fix something.
Hey, you're like your
mother, you know that?
Just like her.
I never understood her,
I don't understand you,
I don't understand
what's wrong with her.
I don't know nothing!
Do you want me to try
and get your "L" back?
No, I don't think so.
Laverne, I was wrong about Bart.
Yeah, I was trying
to tell you that.
Maybe we could send
away for another spoon.
It was a limited
time offer only.
I almost died when you
called my Pop Franklin,
I almost cracked up and
ruined the whole thing for you.
Well, he does look
like a Franklin...
No, he doesn't... Yes, he does.
We should never fight over guys.
Never.
Yeah, it ain't worth it. No.
You want to make a pact? Mm-hmm.
Cross my heart, hope to
die, stick a needle in my eye,
never, never, never,
never, never again.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
It's the old seven-ten split,
the old bow-legged woman.
Look it, you got the ten
pin over there, right? Yeah.
Okay, you got the seven
pin over there, right? Right.
Hit the ten pin, boing...
Lands, rolls over,
knocks over the seven pin, boom.
If anything you got
to hit the seven pin
and hope it goes over
and hits the ten pin.
Believe me, I know
what I'm talking about.
You don't know anything. I know
exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm not going to look
at you! You neither!
All right! Teamwork.
All right, all right, all right.
Thank you.
Thanks, Pop. Thank
you very much.
And you said he wouldn't notice.
Oh, let's go show off our
new shirts to the boys, huh?
Oh, boys.
Hi, boys. Hello.
Hi, girls, how are you,
how are you, how are you?
Notice anything
different about us?
I know, I know.
You dyed your hair the
same color it was before.
No, we got new bowling shirts.
Now what do you
think? Look at this.
Look at the back on this.
Oh! Wow! Ah, Ah, Ah!
Oh, come on, fellas,
they're nice, but
they're not all that nice.
They're absolutely wonderful!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Would you look at this?
Look what he did
to my shirt! Oh!
Uh...
Go in the ladies room
and try and wash it off.
Heh, heh, heh.
You see that sign
up there, Shotz B?
I'm Squiggy Shotz.
And that there, uh, that there,
is my nephew, my
nephew, Lenny Shotz.
Pleased to meet...
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Cricket Grabowski.
Oh, Cricket.
Do those legs make music
when you rub them together?
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, Cricket.
All right you two, beat it.
Look who's
telling us to beat it,
old coat and tie over here.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, how do you want it?
You want it together, you
want it one at a time, hmm?
Does this man want
to rumble with us?
Is that what you're saying,
you want to rumble with us?
He wants to rumble.
Why don't you step into my
office here? Why don't you?
What's the matter with
you, chicken or something?
Step into my office here.
When he gets mad,
it gets very messy.
So you want to rumble, huh?
You know, you got
a pretty face there.
You better take a
real good look at it
and remember it
good, you understand?
'Cause we're going to
make it look like Wheatena.
Okay, Lenny, kill him.
Stop it you two, come on.
Ow! You gave me an Indian burn.
They didn't muss
you up, did they?
Oh, I hope not.
Go into the Pizza Bowl
and get a beer and cool off.
Go on, go on, go on.
Listen, if anyone asks,
we're brewmeisters.
I'll explain later.
So long there, Cricket.
Boy, am I going to
dream about her tonight.
Just don't make
those gurgly sounds.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Oh, yes?
Bart.
Oh, Shirley... Feeney.
You know, you've got spunk.
Oh... pshaw.
No, I mean it, you see,
it's all right here
in your palm.
Now this is your life line.
Uh-huh.
You've got a long,
happy life in front of you.
Oh, read on, handsome gypsy boy.
And this is your love line.
I've never seen one so long.
Well, the Feeneys have
always been passionate people.
And we're going
out to dinner tonight.
You can tell that
by reading my palm?
No, I can tell that by
looking in your eyes.
Oh... What about her?
Cricket? Yes.
It's just a physical attraction.
I can... I can certainly
understand that.
I can't talk to her the
way I can talk to you.
You understand a man like me.
You've got spunk.
Well, I do have an
awfully long spunk line.
Listen, I'll call you.
All right.
I'm in the phone book
under Spunky Shirley Feeney.
Don't forget dinner.
Come on, Cricket.
Squiggy must use
axle grease on his hair.
I had to soak the whole
thing, there's no towels in there.
Shirl?
Hey, Shirl?
Come on, let's bowl.
Are you bowling or what?
Laverne, the craziest,
most wonderful thing
has just happened.
Squiggy got drafted.
No, no, do you remember
that girl that was over there?
That, that tall...
Uh, the one with
the big sweater?
Yes! Yes. Yeah.
Well, her escort came in
to meet her and, Laverne,
he is everything you would
ever imagine him to be.
Yeah, well, that figures.
Well, listen to this.
He left Blondie and asked
me to go out with him tonight.
Oh, well, that don't figure.
Okay, which one
is he, point him out.
Point him out to
me. Which one is he?
He left with her.
He asked you out
and he left with her?
Yes, well... That's great.
You see, it's just a pure
physical attraction
between them.
I mean, where can a
relationship like that go, huh?
To the park, to a
convertible, to a phone booth.
You'd make out in a phone booth?
Well, not just with anybody.
Yeah, with anybody.
I'll tell you the truth,
I'm so glad you're
filling in for Mary.
Helping out. Because otherwise,
I'd be in a lot of trouble.
Hey, Frank, I'm
here a half an hour.
I'm here longer.
Here you go, two beers.
Oh, Laverne, I'm
so sorry. I overslept.
Why didn't you wake me up, huh?
'Cause you were sleeping there
with that big
smile on your face.
What were you doing,
dreaming about Bart?
Oh, you got it.
What a time we had
on our date last night.
Yeah? What time did you get in?
We got in at 2:45.
He left at 3:47.
Ooh, what did you do?
The first five minutes we spent
just looking longingly
into each other's eyes.
Then he nibbled all
the way up my neck
and whispered ever
so sweetly into my ear...
More glasses!
More glasses.
I'll get them, I'll get them.
Wait 'till you hear what
happened at 3:15, Laverne.
Oh, you lucky dog.
Here's your pie.
That's it, get out of
here, clear out, come on,
sit down here's your table, let
me clean up some of this mess.
Spaghetti on the floor...
boy, some people
are pigs, aren't they?
Hi ya, gorgeous.
Gorgeous who?
You, gorgeous.
Yeah?
Something told me from
the minute I walked in here
that I had to read your palm.
What is this?
Are we on Candid
Camera, is that it?
Hello, hello, Mr. Funt.
Come out, come
out wherever you are.
No, no, no, I
mean it, I can feel it.
You can, uh, you can tell a lot
about a woman from her palm.
Now... Wait a second...
It might smell from
cheese, I been working here.
You've got a delicate,
beautiful, little palm.
Aw, this is Candid Camera.
Where's Funt? Hiding
in the bathroom?
Hey, Funt, come out here, Funt!
There's no Funt.
No Funt?
No Funt.
Now, this right
here is your life line.
You've had a... That's a scar.
A tough life.
You're telling me?
I could tell you such stories.
And this is your love line.
Uh, something tells me
that this is your
love line... you know?
No, I mean it.
I've never seen
such a long love line.
And we're going out
to dinner Tuesday night.
You can't see that in my palm.
That's right, I can't.
Oh.
I can see it in your eyes.
Aww.
Tuesday, 8:00.
I'll meet you here.
I'll give it back Tuesday, 8:00.
I got them, I got them.
Bart!
Bart?
Bart, what are you...
Did you come down
here to surprise me?
I came to take you
away from all this.
Oh, you got it, mister,
right after the lunch rush.
Laverne!
Laverne, you're never
going to guess who this is.
This is Bart. Bart.
Right!
Bart, this is Laverne,
this is my roommate,
and my best friend
in the whole world.
No kidding.
Hey, are you going
to clean up this mess?
I got a bigger mess, buddy.
Laverne.
Laverne.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Babish.
I was just trying to dry
some of the clothes here.
Oh, yeah, I got your message.
I know the clothes
dryer in the basement
has been on the blink for days.
Your father promised me
he'd come over and fix it today.
Yeah, well, the
message I left you
wasn't really about the dryer.
Oh?
Uh, you see, I got this problem.
Want some milk and Pepsi?
No, thank you.
You know, Mrs. Babish,
we never really... talk.
We talk.
No, I know we talk,
but I mean, talk, talk.
Oh, you want to talk, talk.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I have this problem
and I was hoping maybe
you could help me with it.
I mean, my Pop told me that
you've really been around...
Oh, I didn't mean
bad been around.
It's just that
you've done it all.
Oh, that's not
what I mean either,
I don't know if
you've done it all,
it doesn't even matter
to me what you done.
Look, look, I understand.
You do?
Yeah, what's your problem?
Okay. If you knew
that your friend,
uh, was going out
with a guy who was
two-timing her...
would you tell her?
Oh. I see.
Well, it was nice
of you to tell me
before I hear it on the street.
I don't think you would
hear it on the streets.
All right, who is Frank
two-timing me with?
That Mrs. Lockwash?
No, no, it's Shirley.
Frank's going out with Shirley?
No, no, here calm down.
Take a drink of this, will you?
No.
Some guy that Shirley likes...
is trying to date
me, there I said it.
That's crummy!
Yeah, I know, I mean, I'd
never go out with the guy,
but... I don't know
what to tell Shirl.
Well, you could tell her,
but you stand the risk
of losing a good friend.
Yeah, that's what
I was afraid of.
So I don't tell her, huh?
Well, then again,
if you don't tell her,
then she might hear it
and then she'll really be hurt.
Yeah, well, I don't
want to hurt her.
Look, all right, tell me
the whole thing now.
When did they meet?
Well, they met yesterday
after work at the bowling alley.
They went out last
night, stayed out late,
and they're out this afternoon.
That's a date and a half
and it ain't even
Saturday night yet.
When things happen that
fast, they usually fizzle out.
Yeah, well, Shirley don't
fizzle that easy, you know?
Look, maybe you're making
a mountain out of a molehill.
Yeah, I just don't know.
Well, has she told you
that this is her Mr. Right?
No.
Well, then, chances
are it's not serious.
So I keep my mouth shut?
Yeah. Yeah, I love it
when the answer to a
problem is to do nothing.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Mrs. Ba... Edna.
You've really been a big help.
Aw, don't mention it.
You know something?
My pop's got good taste.
Thanks.
But he's wrong about one thing.
What?
I haven't done it all,
but I ain't dead yet.
She's a heck of a lady.
Can't fold a sheet, though.
Oh, Lordy, look at this place.
Now, Bart will be
here any minute.
Mine, mine.
This is... Let's
see, that's yours.
Okay, mine, mine... Uh, Bart.
Aren't you tired
of that Bart yet?
Are you kidding me?
Never.
Laverne, would you please
do me a favor and iron that?
I don't have time, thank you.
Oh, sure, sure.
You know, Shirl,
I've been thinking.
We don't know a heck of
a lot about this Bart guy.
Would you please get that?
Hello.
Oh, hi, Bart.
Speak of the devil.
Tell him I'll be
ready in 20 minutes
and that he's my
little pookie bear.
I'm not telling him he's
your little pookie bear.
Oh, you heard that, huh?
Yeah, well... What?
No, you're not on for Tuesday
night or any other night.
You're supposed to be
calling Shirley, not me.
Now, don't call me
anymore, and I mean it.
Isn't he something?
Oh, yeah, he's
something, all right.
Listen, Laverne, when Carmine
comes by with the suitcase,
just let him in, all right?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why is Carmine coming
by with a suitcase?
'Cause I want fancy
luggage for the weekend.
Let go, quit playing!
Well, just... I'm in a hurry.
Slow down for a minute.
I want to hear
about the weekend.
Laverne, Bart and I had such
a wonderful time this afternoon
that he wants me to spend
the rest of the weekend with him
in his cabin at Lake Whitefish.
A weekend, that sounds serious.
It is serious.
Laverne, this is it.
This is Mr. Right.
Are you going to grab me again?
No, no.
Mr. Right?
Shirl, I got to talk to you.
Oh, Laverne, do you think I
could borrow your red scarf?
Pretty please, pretty
please, please, please?
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Okay... Look, you see,
I got to tell... you something.
No, not this time,
Boo Boo Kitty.
Uh, which one, which one of
these sweaters would you take
if you were me? Well...
The blue one goes with
my... I'll take 'em both.
Shirl, listen to me,
listen to me for a second. What?
I didn't want to tell you
this, but I got no choice.
Bart asked somebody
else out for a date.
Well, of course he did,
He asked a lot of girls out.
Who could say no to him?
That's all in his
past now anyway.
He asked somebody
out this afternoon.
No, now, he couldn't
have because, you see,
he was with me all afternoon,
and he didn't speak to
another girl after we left you.
You?
Yeah, but I didn't know
who he was at the time,
honest, I swear to God, and I'm
not going out with him anyway.
No, there must be some mistake.
You see, he probably
meant that the three of us
should get together
sometime and go out, that's it.
Shirl, it wasn't that way.
Well, what did he say, then?
Explain to me
exactly what he said.
I don't know
exactly what he said.
Well, then, you
probably don't know
at all, then, do you? I know.
"You have a long love line.
"I've never seen
such a long love line.
We're going out to dinner,
I can see it in your eyes."
No, I told you that.
He told me that.
I told you that!
He told me that!
I must have told you that!
Well, then, you must
have thrown yourself at him.
I did not! You must have.
How did he get your palm?
He went like that and
felt it! Don't touch me!
I did not throw
myself at anybody.
Can't you get it
through your thick head
that that's his line?
That whole thing, he
uses it on everybody.
I don't want to hear about this.
I don't want to hear another
word, not another syllable.
Okay. You know
something? I'm surprised.
I wouldn't do this to
you if it was your guy.
He's nobody's guy.
He's a lousy two-faced liar.
What are you talking about?
I said I'd bring the
suitcase over and here it is.
All right, Carmine,
just please come in
and please be quiet.
Carmine, will you please get
out of here? We're trying to talk.
All right, just let
me unlock this.
I got the key here
somewhere. You know what?
You know what you do,
you know what you do?
You, you throw
yourself at guys, you do!
I do not. You attack them.
You do, I've seen it. What?!
I've seen it. How?
How? That walk
of yours, that walk.
How you doing, sailor?
Buy me a six-pack
and anything goes.
Well, I guess I'll be
running along now.
I do not do that. You do that!
You do that, I've
seen you do it.
You know what you
are? I do not do that.
You are easy. I am not easy.
Yes, you are, you are
easy. I am not easy.
Remember at Otto's Snakepit?
Tell her, tell her.
Remember at Otto's?
Remember? Tell
her. Go ahead, tell me.
It's nice seeing you
both again, you know.
You with that phony
pure and innocent bit.
Phony pure and innocent?
That's right. I happen
to be pure and innocent.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah?
Carmine, Carmine...
What about in the drive-in
with Tony Grimaldi?
Oh! You fibber.
All this time, you told
me you never looked.
I was with Norman Gooberman.
What else was there
for me to do, huh?
Who's right?
Just say thanks for the
suitcase, I'll get out of here.
Oh, and that helpless
little petunia act.
You've seen that, Carmine,
you even went out with her.
Always with that little
scarf in your hand.
"Oh, oh, could someone please
help me open my beer bottle?
How about you, you
big, tall, handsome man?"
I never do that.
Have I ever done that with you?
Have I ever... have
I ever done that?
Where are you going?
Who, me? Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to leave.
You girls probably
want to be alone
so you can hurt
each other in private.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
Making a terrible scene
in front of Carmine like that.
Boy, I hate it when you blame
me for things that you start.
You hate it when
I blame you...?!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
You want to know what I hate?!
You want to hear what I hate?!
La, la, la... You want
to hear what I hate?!
I'll tell you what I hate.
This! This is what I hate!
I hate milk and Pepsi!
I mean, what kind of a
concoction is that to drink?!
Milk and Pepsi...
Only fools would drink
a concoction like that!
You hate this, huh?
Yes, I do.
Mm-mm, good.
I hate that, I hate
that, I hate that.
Do you hate it?
Well, take your hate
for that and double it
and you get the way I feel
about the way you stir your tea.
My tea? That's right.
You have to take your cup...
And it's not bad enough
that you got to clang it
around on the inside...
No... no, that's not enough.
Then you got to finish it off
by clanging it on the outside.
Well, next time try
clanging it with this.
My official Nancy Drew spoon.
Okay.
All right.
Let's talk about
"L" s, shall we?
"L" s all over everything!
"L"s to the left of me,
"L"s to the right of me!
You know why you
put "L" s on everything?
Yeah, because... So
that I can't borrow it.
That's why, that's why.
Oh... get out of here.
Give me that!
You know what I'm
going to do with this?
I'm going to flush it.
You wouldn't dare...
You wouldn't dare.
Come here... come here!
Come here with that!
Okay, okay, you know what
I'm going to do with this spoon?
I'm going to give it to Squiggy
and I'm going to let
him put it in his mouth
and lick, lick, lick it,
and then I'm going
to put it in his hair.
If that's Bart, I'll be
leaving with him in a minute!
Good, you both
deserve each other.
Laverne... what's the matter?
Oh, you're jealous.
Don't worry, we're still
on for Tuesday night.
We're not on for any night.
Sure we are, it's destiny.
It's in your palm.
Touch my palm and you'll
be picking your teeth out of it.
Now look, you're just
upset about Shirley
and believe me,
there's no reason to be.
We just have a
physical attraction.
I can't talk to her
the way I talk to you.
You... you understand
a man like me.
Yeah, I understand
a guy like you.
You're a creep.
Who is it, Laverne?
It's... It's your pookie bear.
Oh, Bart!
What are you doing here?
I'm here for our trip
to Lake Whitefish!
Oh dear, we must have
gotten our arrows crossed.
I'm not going away with you.
You're kidding. No.
I mean, your bag's packed,
you're ready to go, come on.
Yes, well I am going
away for the weekend,
but I'm not going away with you,
I'm going away with
someone else. Who?
Uh, I'm... Ah, Franklin!
Franklin! Franklin?
Where are you
taking me, Franklin?
To fix the clothes
dryer... Oh, what a wit.
What a sense of humor.
Shall we fly to Miami again?
Miami?
How about you, Laverne, hmm?
You know what I
see in your palm?
A very lonely weekend.
My hat!
And don't come back!
Franklin?
Going to Miami?
I'll explain it
all to you later.
What do you mean later?
I saw it now, I
didn't see it later!
Guy come in there... he...
Look how she's sitting there...
Come on, go fix something.
Hey, you're like your
mother, you know that?
Just like her.
I never understood her,
I don't understand you,
I don't understand
what's wrong with her.
I don't know nothing!
Do you want me to try
and get your "L" back?
No, I don't think so.
Laverne, I was wrong about Bart.
Yeah, I was trying
to tell you that.
Maybe we could send
away for another spoon.
It was a limited
time offer only.
I almost died when you
called my Pop Franklin,
I almost cracked up and
ruined the whole thing for you.
Well, he does look
like a Franklin...
No, he doesn't... Yes, he does.
We should never fight over guys.
Never.
Yeah, it ain't worth it. No.
You want to make a pact? Mm-hmm.
Cross my heart, hope to
die, stick a needle in my eye,
never, never, never,
never, never again.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪