Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Debutante Ball - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Boy, I love eating Chinese
food with these chopsticks here.

I cannot believe this.

Would you look at
this? Bills, bills, bills.

Milwaukee Gas Company,

Wisconsin Telephone Company,

Milwaukee Water
and Power Company,

Society of Exiled Royalty.

We owe them?

Society of Exiled Royalty.

Do we know any exiled royalty?

No. All the royalty we
know is still in power.

Are you going to eat that rib?

It's in my mouth, isn't it?

Well, anyway, this
is addressed to you.

Oh?

Must be one of them fancy
dress shops opening up.

"Miss Laverne DeFazio
is cordially invited

"to be presented to society
at the Debutante's Ball,

"Saturday night,
at the Hotel Pfister

by the Count of Kulikowski."

A debutante's ball!

A debutante's ball!

No, no, no, no, calm
down. It's just a joke.

No, it's not a joke.

Feel this... this paper's
thicker than our walls.

Well, then it's stupid.

I mean, picture, what kind of
Count would ask me out, huh?

Hello.

All hail his Royal Highnessty.

The Count of Kulikowski.

No doubt you
received my invitation?

Yeah, I got it.

It's the royal bit again.

Well, we're not
falling for it, okay?

Well, who would have
thought it was them anyway?

I mean, look at this,
everything's spelled right,

and it's all nice and neat.

Ah-ha-ha.

No need to bow, a
simple "crutsy" will do.

Um... Boys, boys...

We don't care how
many feathered plumes

you stick in that
pea brain of yours,

we are not going to believe
that Lenny is of Polish royalty.

Haven't I ever shown
you the royal birthmark?

The Royal Birthmark!

See that?

Those are liver spots, Len.

Anyway, that ain't proof, right?

Right.

Now don't make
fun of my heritage.

Remember, my family may
have left Poland in disgrace,

but someday, we will
return the same way.

Read them the royal papers.

The Royal Papers!

"His Grace, the Duke
of Warsaw," is all...

"hereby certifies that
Leonard Kosnowski," Lenny...

What?

I'm reading... Oh, yeah. Go on.

"Leonard Kosnowski is
the Count of Kulikowski."

On the level,
you're a real Count?

Listen, not only that, I
happen to be 89th in line

for the throneship of Poland.

Yeah. The way we got it
figured, one good plague

and the kid is
practically a queen.

It's a real debutante ball.

It's a real ball.

It's a real ball.

Lenny, those are rubber grapes.

They're very chewy, though.

Well, you'll-you'll go
with me, of course.

Uh... uh... well...

No, see, I don't have nothing
to wear to no fancy ball.

Tell her not to worry.

Who? Oh, no. Not to worry!

Costumes for the
evening, will be "courtesied"

by my Uncle Elliott's
waxed museum.

I'll have a tuxedo and
everything. You'll go.

Yeah. Come on. Yeah, you will.

Uh, no, I'm sorry, Len, Yeah.

But you know me and rich
people just don't get along.

Look, there are
millions of girls

who would want to go out,
you being a Count and all, huh?

What are you talking
about? I don't want to go!

How many times do we get
invited to something like this?

My Count has whistled.

Shut up!

Come here, Laverne.
Get over here. Look.

Of course a million girls
would like to go with me,

but I want to go with you.

I mean, you're pretty
and you're smart, and you,

you happen to be the
classiest girl I know.

Please, Laverne?

Sure.

I'll go with you,
Len. Thank you.

Tut, tut. No thanks...

No thanks are necessary.

The simple peasant
joy on your face

is more than thanks enough.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

But if you, uh, want
to throw in a little

royal vo-de-oh-do
after the ball,

you won't break his heart.

Ah... Wow. Isn't this...

Hey, Laverne, you
got to come see this.

Come here.

They got gold wallpaper.

They got, oh, they
got electric... Shh.

Now, I want you
to hold on to this

so I can get my
coat back later. Okay.

Boy, look at the
layout of this joint.

Laverne... I got a
pigeon in my pocket.

Will you stop clowning around?

Well, I can't...

Uncle Elliot said is
was a magician's suit.

A magician... Yeah.

Whoa. Put the bird away, Len.

Put it away, put it back
in the pocket, put it away.

I hope you're not
afraid of the dark, birdie.

Put it in there. Is
it in there? Yeah.

Now, Shirl says we got
to act like we belong here.

We got to do what
everyone else is doing.

I don't see any other
blue umbrellas here.

And, uh, everybody's
drinking champagne.

So you want a little blast?

Ah.

We got.

Hey, I seen these before.

What are you, Miss Milwaukee?

How dare you accost me.

Here, bumpkin!

Well, in my neighborhood
we just say cheers, but...

Here, bumpkin.

She started it.

As to how we start something.

In my country, I'd
have your head!

You'd look pretty
stupid with my head.

Come over here. Just stop it.

Stop it and let me wipe you off.

What's the matter
with that broad?

Len, why don't you
go into the bathroom

and wipe yourself
off? Okay. All right.

Why don't you mingle, huh?

You got to go to
the bathroom, birdie?

Uh-huh! Caviar.

Uh! Caviar.

Oh, thank you.

It's French dip.

Yours a little soggy, too?

Oh, would you care
to sign our guest book?

Oh, sure, I'd love to.

Evelyne... still have
your eye on the Duke?

Oh, yes.

And he'll have his eye on me

when he chooses me
for the Duke's dance.

Ah... Oh, you lucky dog.

Here you go.

I put my phone number down there

just in case anyone
wants to get in touch.

If you know what I mean.

No, I can't say that we do.

Dreadful riff-raff rubbing
elbows with the rich.

Hey, I don't want to
rub your crummy elbows.

I happen to be a debutante,

and I'm going to be
presented by my friend Lenny,

the Count of Kulikowski.

There he is, right over there.

Quite a guy, isn't he?

Obviously another imposter.

No need to worry.

We're asking that all newcomers

show their royal papers
before they are presented.

If she's a fraud,
we'll find out.

Don't worry, I got them papers.

What do you think we are, mutts?

Hey, Laverne, you want an olive?

Nah, thanks.

How about you, birdie?

Hey, Len, you didn't
get any champagne

on them royal papers
of yours, did you?

Don't worry, they're dry
as a bone... Oh, good.

In your father's safe
at the Pizza Bowl.

What? You don't got them on you?

What am I going to lug
them around with me for?

Because we're going to
get kicked out of this joint

if we don't have them papers.

I didn't know that
part. Yeah, well...

Okay, Okay.

I'll just call Shirley and
have her bring them down.

You got a dime?

Never mind, Lenny. I'll get it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm gonna go first!

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

I'm gonna go get those papers.

You stay right over here, okay?

Don't move. Hurry up, though,

'cause I want to go
home and get dressed

before I take them
to Lenny and Laverne.

I've never been
down here before.

It's awfully dark
and dank, isn't it?

Yeah.

You can almost smell the
bodies smoldering away.

Like in the mummy's tomb.

Will you stop with that?

Will you stop with
the mummy's tomb?

Don't say that kind of stuff!

Okay, here's
Lenny's royal papers.

Thank you.

And here's something
nobody's ever seen.

What is it?

A hundred-year-old
bottle of wine

I'm saving for
Laverne's wedding.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Gee, I hope we all get

to take a slug out of
this bottle real soon.

From your mouth to God's ears.

Hey, let me take a
look at that old bottle.

What'd I say?

What?

We're locked in.

What?

Mary!

Mary! We're down in the cellar!

Mary! Mary!

Shut up! Mary! Mary!

Shut up, Shirl. Come on.

Come on, Shirley, shut up.

Shut up. What are you...

Shirley, Shirley,
you're acting like a fool.

Now take it from one who knows.

You know, I've heard
tales about people like us

who was trapped
together, and after a while,

to stay alive, they
devoured their comrades.

What are you doing?

Don't start with
me, start with him.

He's got more meat!

What are you telling me
those kind of stories for, huh?

Hold it. Hold it...
Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

You can't do nothing.

We just have to sit and wait.

Well, Len, no sign
of Shirley outside yet,

but I'm sure she's on
her way with them papers.

Yeah.

Did you find your friend?

No, I don't understand.

He was right in my
pocket a minute ago.

Well, let's hope he's a
homing pigeon and goes home.

Oh, good, 'cause
he lives in this suit.

Excuse me, excuse me. Pardon me.

He's looking for his bird.

Yeah.

You know, some of
that looked awful familiar.

No, no, yours was white.

Maybe he's under the couch.
You want to cover for me?

I don't want to look
too stupid, you know?

This is that vent that
leads up the Pizza Bowl.

We can all go right
out through here.

Come on, men, let's go.

Here we go. That's no good.

See?

Oh, gosh.

Whoo!

Golly, gosh, whoo! Ooh!

It doesn't lead anywhere,
it's all boarded up.

That's right, I'm trying to
make a wine cellar here.

So I closed up all the
vents and the window.

Oh, gosh.

No air, we'll be buried alive.

Shut up.

What window?

The one behind
those boxes up there.

It's got bars on it,
and it's all boarded up.

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

Here.

I can get right out
through those bars.

I'm a perfect size five.

Come on, fellas, come
on, give me a boost.

Come on, come on, boys.

Will you come on?

Will you hurry, please? Please?

Come on, come on, we got to...

That's it. Wait a minute.

What happened?

She was buried alive,

like the mummy in the tomb.

I'll give you mummy!

The DuBois family,
represented by Francois,

Baron of Beaujolais,

presents Miss Evelyne Page.

Always an honor, Your Grace.

Always an honor, Your Grace.

That ain't so hard, huh?

Well, now it's your turn.

May I see your papers, please?

Uh... they're gonna
be here any second.

Ah, yes, of course
they are. Guards.

No, my friend, Shirl,
she's bringing them.

She just probably got tied up.

Wait a second! I... I...

Young man, I happen
to be 89th in line

for the throne of Poland!

Show 'em your liver spots, Len.

You got to let me in!

I have important papers

for the Count of Kulikowski.

There he is, there he is,
the guy taking his shirt off!

Who are you? What do you want?

Oh, my name is Shirley Feeney,

and an hors d'oeuvre would
be very nice, thank you.

Just give me the papers
and I'll get all you want to eat.

There they are.

What took you so long?

I found out that I am a
size five from the waist up,

but from the waist down I
must be a seven or an eight.

What are you talking about?

Well, let them go, let them go!

Oh, my apologies,
Your Excellency.

Well, I'm good, but excellent?

Do you mean they're legitimate?

Yeah, are you?

Oh!

Places, please.

You're next. Go, Laverne.

Can my friend stay?

Oh, of course. Oh, thank you.

Good luck, Laverne.
Good luck. Thank you.

Excuse me. Champagne.

Thank you very much.

The Kosnowski Family,

represented by Leonard,
Count of Kulikowski,

presents Miss Laverne DeFazio.

Always an honor, Your Grace.

Always an honor, Your Grace.

Always an honor, Your Grace.

You're gonna be fine.

I'm really proud to be
here with you tonight.

Go get 'em.

Why don't, why don't you
just keep going, Laverne?

Maybe nobody noticed.

Shh, come on now,
she's doing... shh!

Shh! Shh!

I'm sorry, Len.

Aw, look, that's...

You all ought to be
ashamed of yourselves!

Stop your laughing.

Wouldn't be so funny if
it happened to you, huh?

I fell right on my keester.

Ruined poor Lizzie
Borden's dress.

Boy, am I a jerk.

Don't worry about a thing,

'cause I put those
people in their place.

I'm really sorry
about what happened.

But there are other
ways of looking at this.

What ways?

Well, you have to admit

that it was sort of funny.

I mean, when you rolled
down that ramp, Laverne.

I mean, you should have
seen the Duke's face,

that gorgeous face.

Would you cut it out, Shirl?

You're making it worse.

Well, I can see that
you have obviously

lost your entire sense of
humor about this whole thing.

Would you just get me
the garbage pail, please?

♪ The Blue Danube Waltz ♪

♪ By Strauss, the louse ♪

♪ He lives in a house ♪

♪ With Mickey Mouse... ♪

Please don't sing to me, Shirl.

I'm sitting here in
a puddle of punch

with fruit up my dress, okay?

All right, we're just going to
have to get you all cleaned up

so that you can go out there
and give it another try, that's all.

What are you, from
Mars or something?

I can't go out there.

I'm staying right here
until everyone goes home,

including the busboys.

They can just mail me my coat.

Well, well, well, well.

That's not the Laverne
DeFazio I know.

Shirl, I can't go out there,
they're going to laugh at me.

Laverne, they've
already done that.

Yeah, they did, didn't they?

Boy, I really gave them
something to laugh at, didn't I?

Listen, Laverne,

every human being on
the face of God's earth

has had an embarrassing moment.

If you fell down
at the Pizza Bowl,

would you run in the
bathroom and hide?

No. What would you do?

I'd go like this and then
everyone would laugh

and it would be okay.

So how is this any different
than the Pizza Bowl?

Because when those
people laughed at me, Shirl...

they were laughing 'cause
they, they think I'm riff-raff.

Do you think those
people are better than

the people at the Pizza Bowl?

No, but...

Do you think they're
better than me?

No. But...

Do you think they're
better than your father?

No. But... But,
but, but, but, but.

Look at the way I'm dressed.

Now am I dressed
for a debutante ball?

No, I am not.

But do you know
what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go right out that
door, the same way I came in.

Now... you coming?

Because... I'm
going right out there...

right now.

I'm going out the door.

I'm going to say good-bye now

because I'm going.

Here I come.

Toodles.

Bye-bye.

Coming along?

I'm coming.

Yahoo!

I knew you'd do it! I
knew that you would!

Now, come on.

You can go out there
with your head up high.

Wait a second.
Wait just a second.

Thought so.

Got a strawberry in your hair.

We'll save this for a momento.

We'll press it in a
book. It'll be nice.

Now go out there and
pretend like nothing happened.

Thanks a lot, Shirl.

You're welcome, Laverne.

I'll go find Lenny.

All right, I'll wait here.

Look at what I got.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Duke's dance.

Well, you heard him,
it's the Duke's dance.

Move it back, move it back.

And here he comes

to dance his little feet
off for you, the Duke.

With your permission,
Miss DeFazio,

I would like us both

to dance our little feet off.

Look what's happening,

the Duke asked Laverne to dance.

Hey, Duke, how
come you picked me?

Only a woman of class would
come back out here again.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪