Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Obstacle Course - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Hey, look, Shirl, I'm sorry.

I never expected this to happen.

It's all right, Carmine,

it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I... I thought it
was kind of funny.

Funny?

Funny?!

I wasn't trying to be funny.

Don't get excited.

This is very good
practice for me...

for when I get married.

Boy, you're being a
good sport about it, Shirl.

Well, it, it was
nothing, that's all.

It was nothing? Hey...

Hey, Carmine, you
can tell me; I'm a cop.

What happened?

I didn't expect you
two home so early.

I can see that. What
happened? Nothing.

Look, it's not
what you think it is.

Yeah? I think it's illegal.

What happened? Nothing!

Carmine was giving
me a dance lesson.

He did the splits
and ripped his pants.

I was sewing them up for him.

You mind if I put
my pants on now?

It's getting a little
drafty here, huh?

No, go ahead.

Here you go, Carmine.

Well, well, well,

well... now don't you
two feel stupid, huh?

I'd like to hear you say it.

I feel stupid.

I feel stupid!

You don't have to
say it so loud, I was...

for Pete's sake.

Now, what are you
two doing back so early?

I thought you went
to see Son of Flubber.

Yeah, well, Norman
wanted to see it real bad.

I mean, it did get good reviews.

But we were on our
way over in the patrol car

when the radio started going
beep, beep, beep, and, uh,

he has to go on duty,
it's an emergency.

Oh... Yeah, my chief
wants Chinese food.

Well, I'll see you at the
L.A.M.P. meeting tomorrow.

Okay.

Wait a minute. What lamp?

Tell her what L.A.M.P. is.

Oh, you see, Shirl,
L.A.M.P. stands

for Ladies Auxiliary
Milwaukee Police.

It's a new program
to develop lady cops,

and the volunteers are going
to help us in our police work.

Laverne's going to fit in
great, right in that program.

I'd fit in, Norman.

I'd love to volunteer.
I'd be perfect.

I got to go.

You know, I'm sorry
about the movie tonight.

It's okay.

Hey, uh, how about
one for the road, huh?

You know I'm a cop,

and it's a crazy ga-ga
world out there, huh?

Yeah, well, you'll call
me when you need me.

Bye, Norman.

I was just trying to point out

how qualified I
am to be a L.A.M.P.

You're too little
to be a L.A.M.P.

Maybe you could
be a night-light.

Well, thank you very much

for that vote of confidence.

I know you, Shirl.

You'd go down and try
out and in five minutes,

before you even get wet
under the arms, you'd leave.

No, I wouldn't! I
swear, I wouldn't.

I've changed, I love to sweat.

I love to sweat, please,
please. Mm-hmm.

I want to do my civic duty.

Please talk to Norman,
I want to be a L.A.M.P.

Please, please,
please, Laverne, please.

All right, you can come
down tomorrow and try.

But this is very
important to Norman.

I mean, he's in charge, and...

Well, you know he ain't

exactly the pride
of the precinct,

so I want you to promise me...

Cross your heart hope to die,

stick a needle in your eye...

That you will
not quit this time.

I promise, I promise,
I promise. Yeah?

Anyway, sister, it's about time

you stopped thinking
of me as helpless.

I happen to be a very
competent young woman

who can handle
difficult situations.

Hey, Shirl, you sewed
the legs together.

I can see that.

I can handle this.

I'll go get the scissors.

The men in my family
happen to have very tiny legs.

Want some help?

You want to help? Sure.

I'm sorry, forget it. Shirley...

Oh, Norman...

Come on... No! She
cannot be a L.A.M.P.

She'll never be able
to make it through

the obstacle
course. Yes, she can.

She will not be able
to. It'll ruin my career.

Just, just, please don't
make me do it, all right?

It's no good, just...
don't make me do it.

But it's real important to her.

Let her try it.
I'm sorry, just...

Just let her try it and
I'll meet your mother.

For dinner?

It's a deal.

Hughes!

Chief!

Chief! Oh, Chief...
Oh, this is...

We were just...

Chief! Oh, what a
pleasure this is to have you.

Ladies, say hello to my
Chief. He's a real American.

Hi, Chiefy.

I am so glad you
came down here tonight.

I got some of the best
women in Milwaukee

lined up for this course.

Look, Officer Hughes,
I hate this plan...

Expecting dames to be police.

You probably think

all women should
be soft and sweet

and feminine.

No one can say that
about these women.

Yeah.

Can we get on with this, Hughes?

Uh, yeah, fine.
All right, now...

My fellow officers, hello.

I can hardly wait
to arrest somebody.

She's a lot excited.

Shirley, would you
please calm down?

Hi, Norman. My
Chief is here, you...

Ooh! Officer
Feeney reporting, sir.

Later on I'd like to
have a little chat with you

about some ideas I
have for new uniforms...

Something tough, yet feminine,

something very...

We'll take whatever you got.

We'll love them.

But blue makes me look short.

You are short.

All right, ladies,

uh, may I have your
attention please?

Thank you very much.

We're about ready to
begin the course now.

Shirley, would you
go home, please?

No, I won't go home. Did
you talk to him, Laverne?

I talked to him, just
pay attention. All right.

All right, all right, fine.

Now... this is your
obstacle course.

We try to recreate an
actual life-saving situation.

And this is your victim, Ira.

Ladies, Ira has
just been mugged.

Your job is to catch the
mugger and drag Ira to safety.

First you must drag
him across this pool.

Then you carry Ira over here,
climb the mountain with him,

bring him down here,
hand him to the guard.

Then, you chase the mugger
and rummage through this junk pile.

Upon doing that, you come
over here to this fire escape.

Climb the fire escape...

After that mugger, you've
got to get that mugger.

She's driving me crazy!

It's not my fault!

Hughes!

Fine, fine, we'll talk later.

Now! And then you
must come over here,

climb this drainpipe and
ring the bell at the top.

Once you've done that,

you've passed the course
and caught the mugger!

Thank you.

I go with him.

My girlfriend, proud of me...

Now, later on, we're
going to give you

a chance to run
through it; but remember,

when you have the final
exam, you're only gonna have

40 seconds to ring the
bell and catch the mugger.

Okay? Now, who
wants to go first?

Any volunteers? Anybody at all?

Come on, don't be shy.

I want to go... How
about the little one?

Happy to oblige,
Chief. Happy to oblige.

Okay, all right...

Now, let me get this straight.

I take Ira across the pool.

Uh... do I take
my purse with me?

Put your purse down. Oh!

All right, I have my wallet in
there, so would you watch...?

Okay.

Here... we... go...
Yes, siree... Mommy.

Stand up, Shirl.

Just stand up, Shirl.

Just stand up and go on.

Shirl, just stand
up. Just stand up.

Stand up, Shirl.

Okay, now grab a towel.

Shirl?

Laverne? Shirl?

What are you... Hey,
wait a minute, Laverne.

Wait a second now,

I need you for this
program, Laverne.

Let her go!

I told you, Hughes...

Women should be
barefoot and pregnant.

This is men's work.

Barefoot and pregnant?

I'll give you barefoot
and pregnant.

All right, Laverne!

Go!

Go, Laverne!

All right, Laverne! Go!

Frank, we need
some more silverware.

Mary, I told you to
get more silverware!

Frank, will you stop yelling?

I'm not yelling; I talk loud.

Look, you, you catch
more flies with honey

than you do vinegar.

I got a restaurant...
Who needs flies?

At least when he
goes into the kitchen,

it's quiet in here.

Yes, yes... It'll be perfect.

Yes, this joint is perfect

for the part of the Pizza Bowl.

Yes, yes, yes.

Get a close-up
of that guy there,

stuffing pizza down his...

Local color, huh?
Local color, exactly.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hey, not bad, not bad...

No... Don't smile.
Be natural. Be natural.

Here, put it in your
mouth. Good, good, yeah...

Right here. Okay.

Put your hands down,
will ya? Zoom in on it?

So good, I can almost
smell the cheese.

Get off of that!

What are you doing over here?!

What, are you two crazy?!

What do you mean are we crazy?

Are you out of your mind, sir?

If you act like this,

we're not going to
put your restaurant

in our motion picture,
Milwaukee Confidential.

Yeah.

Yeah, we heard that
people who make movies

also make a lot of money,
so we pawned our stove

and bought the movie camera.

That's right.

That's my stove!

Frank... FRANK: All right.

That did it... out!

Aw... Come on, get out of here!

And don't come back no more!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Maybe we can capture that rage.

He'd be perfect for the villain!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah?

I'll be perfect...?!

Get out! Out, out, get out...!

And don't come back!

Now you just settle down.

Come on, just settle
down, settle down.

You don't have to yell at people

to get them to listen.

What should I do? Hit 'em?

I'll punch 'em,
that's what I'll do.

Look, if you talk nice to
people, they'll listen nice.

Sure, sure... Hey,
here comes Laverne.

Now be pleasant to her.

You'll be surprised
at the results.

Laverne, sweetheart...

You want to sit
down...? Later, Pop.

I'm looking for Shirley.
Where you going?!

She probably has a very
good reason for running.

Now just ask her, nicely.

Sweetheart...

Terry says she's
in the bathroom.

That's it! No more!

Only punching and
yelling from now on!

Shirl? Are you all right?

It's me.

Come on out.

Look, it's a tough test.

Lots of people do crummy in it.

What's going on?

You came all the way over here

'cause you thought I was
upset about that silly course?

Oh, that's sweet.

Oh, I love the way you're
bouncing back like that.

Come on, let's go
finish the test. No, no.

No, no, no. What "no, no"?

I've decided I don't
want to be a L.A.M.P.

I just don't want
to be a L.A.M.P.

Oh, well... I'm not
L.A.M.P. material.

Well, couldn't you decide that

before you made Norman look bad?

Now you promised me that
you were not going to quit.

Come on. I'm not
quitting, I'm not quitting.

I just decided

that I don't want
to do it anymore.

Listen, any girl who
can run that course

in 40 seconds or less

has to be some sort of
freak of nature anyway.

I just did it.

Are you calling me a freak?

Of nature.

Calling me a freak? Of nature.

Listen, I, I, I... I'm
in a good mood.

So I made pizza for the three
of us... Calling me a freak!

Well, you know what you are?

You're nothing but a...

yellow-bellied cream puff!

Got a lot of cheese
on it... Cream puff?!

Cream puff! I'll have you know

that cream puffs
don't have bellies!

Okay, that did it!

Ah-ah-ah-ah...

All right, go ahead.

Ah! Now I feel good.

Now remember who
you are, Laverne.

You're a young girl.

You're in love with a gymnasium.

But this gymnasium
doesn't love you,

so you must try to
push yourself up on gym!

Pull yourself up on gym.

You must love gym,

you must want gym, you must...

Nah, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

It ain't working for me.
It ain't working for me..

Nah, it's stinko from here, too.

Look, uh, maybe it would
help if she got naked.

Just the shirt.

Just a shoe.

We need some skin, Laverne.

Nothing happen...

You're making a shambles
out of my apartment.

"Revenge of the Angry
Roommate," a sequel.

Uh, maybe you guys...

Shh... Genius at work here.

I'll handle this, please,

What's the matter, Shirl?

You don't feel very good, huh?

I got a headache.

Aw, you poor thing,
you have a headache.

Probably because you're
in love with a gymnasium!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

You must pull yourself,
you must pull yourself out!

Ow!

Come on, guys, take this out.

We'll do it another time, okay?

I'll try and take
some hallway shots.

Okay. Go ahead and get that.

I gotta get this, huh?

Gee!

Oh! I'll do it.

Lenny!

What I don't have in strength,

I make up for with
what I lack up here.

Got it.

Thirty-seven!

Whoa!

The 37th one is a killer.

This freak of nature
is going to eat.

I apologize for what I said.

And you were right,
I am a cream puff.

That wasn't my 37th chin-up.

Aw, go on.

No, really.

I couldn't even do one.

I'm no good at anything.

Oh, come on, Shirl.

Nobody's good at everything.

I mean... you're pretty...

you're smart, you're... Clean.

Spotless.

I don't understand why
you wanted to be a L.A.M.P.

so bad in the first place.

Was it just 'cause
I was doing it?

No. It's just that,
for once in my life,

I wanted to be good
at something athletic.

You've always been
real good at those things,

running and jumping

and skinning your
knee, all that fun stuff.

You never wanted
to do any of that stuff.

You hated scabs.

No, my family wouldn't
allow me to have scabs.

I wanted to have scabs, though.

But everybody always
thought of me as "Neat Shirley,"

"Clean Shirley"...

"Girley Shirley,"
"Chicken Shirley,"

"Shirley the Squirt"... Stop it!

Stop it! I hate those names.

You remember that summer I
went to Y Camp when we were 14,

and you had to stay home
to go to summer school?

Oh, yeah. I flunked
Marching Band.

Yeah, well, you had
more fun than me.

That was the worst
summer of my entire life.

Why? You told me
you had a great time

except for the part when
you got poison sumac.

The poison sumac
was the best part.

Oh, sure, I was great when
it came to Arts and Crafts.

I brought home those 16 lanyards

and that replica of "The Last
Supper" done in macaroni.

Yeah, I remember that.

That was delicious.

But then it came
time for sports.

When they choose up teams,
Laverne, when are you picked?

Oh, first.

I'm usually a captain...

Well, me and Terry Buttafuco,

we're both real
good at it, you know.

Dead last.

They used to have fist fights

to see which team
would end up with me.

Yeah, but I told
you why that is.

I told you, it's very hard

to hit a ball with
your eyes closed.

And that's what you do.

I know, I don't have...

You pick it up and go like this.

It's all right. It's all right.

One humiliation
piled upon the next.

That wasn't the end of the
disgrace, you know, Laverne?

There was more?

You know what position
I played in softball?

Right field.

Deep roving right field.

They invented
the position for me.

That summer, for two
weeks, I played softball,

knee-deep in Lake Shawonga.

Come on, Shirl,
I can't take this.

You're breaking my heart.

Once in all that time
the ball came out to me.

You know what happened?

Please say that you caught it.

It sunk to the
bottom of the lake.

They made me pay for
it with my candy money.

Oh, Shirl... They did.

They made me pay for
it with my candy money.

Come on, I promise,

the next time we choose
up teams, you're first.

No, that's not good enough,
that's not good enough.

I want to pass this
obstacle course.

Please, I want to win
something athletic.

Oh, please, Laverne,
please help me, please.

You want to be a winner? Yes.

Okay, then you're
going to be a winner,

and I'm going to help you. Okay!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Don't run, Laverne.

Come on, you
don't want to be late.

Look, I'll drive.

I don't like it when
you drive fast.

Aah, you're just nervous
about the obstacle course.

Are you kidding? I am prepared.

This will be a snap.

Well, better luck
next time, O'Reilly.

Don't forget to return those
shoes... they're police property.

Okay, Shirley,
you're the last one.

Okay, Shirl, now remember.

Hit that wall on the run.

I can do that wall.

Knock-kneed through the tires.

I can do those tires.

Get a good grip on
the rungs of the ladder.

I can do the rungs
of that ladder.

And shinny up this
rope. I can't do the rope!

I never did the rope!

I've never done
it and I can't do it!

Oh!

Now, remember:

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can move
a rubber tree plant... ♪

♪ Anyone knows an ant ♪

♪ Can't move... ♪

Does that mean
you'll try? I'll try.

Okay, Trainee Feeney, you've
got 40 seconds to ring that bell.

Now go make them
ants proud of you. Okay?

Are you ready?

On your mark... get set... go!

Go, Shirl! Go!

Go!

Go! Go!

Good! Listen to me!

There you go. There you go.

Like a fire escape, go!

You're doing great!
You're doing fine!

You can make this
rope! You can make it!

You can make it!
You can make it!

Keep going!

Come on, you still got time!

Come on, you're doing fine!

I can't... I can't do it.

You can do it! You can do it!

Ten... nine...
eight... seven... six...

five... four... three...
two... She did it!

All right, Shirl, you made it!

All right now, all right,

everybody in the recreation
room for your certificates!

I told you she'd make
it. I knew she'd make it.

No, I told you... I
knew she'd make it..

Whoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo. I can't... I
can't seem to get down.

I'm stuck up here.

Help.

Help, someone.

Help me. Whoo-hoo!

Whoo, help! Help! Help me!

Will you come down?

I'm stuck. I can't get down.

Nobody gets stuck up there.

Just slide down.

Please, you got to
come up and get me.

Please. Please!

Okay... SHIRLEY: Ohhh... ohhh...

Move your feet, move your feet.

Here I come.

Okay? Okay.

You really did it.
Yeah. From now on,

no one's ever going to call
you "Girley Shirley" no more.

Thanks to you, my friend.

Come on, let's go
get our certificates.

I want to stop
by my locker first.

What for? I want to
get some hand cream.

I have calluses you
would not believe.

Come on, let's move it.

We got to go on duty.

There are a million
stories in the naked city.

It's a dirty city,

and it's our job to clean
up the muggers, the killers...

And the jaywalkers.

Come on, Shirl,
we're crossing guards.

Crime begins with
the young, Laverne.

Halt there!

Halt, you.

Halt, halt...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪