Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Driving Test - full transcript
Laverne and Shirley try to help Squiggy study to ace his written exam for his driving test or else he'll lose his job as a Shotz truck driver.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Look at this, just look at this.
Everybody gets a
piece of my check.
Federal tax, state tax,
disability, Social Security.
Are they still
docking you for that
forklift you misplaced? Yeah.
Pick, pick, pick.
They're all taking my money.
How am I ever going
to get the thing I want
most out of life?
A purple cashmere sweater.
Some people dream of new cars,
some people dream of homes,
some people dream of peace
on earth, goodwill to men.
All you want out of life is a
purple cashmere sweater.
No, I want shoes dyed to match.
And some day,
you'll have all that.
In the meantime,
you struggle by,
you greet each day
with a hearty hi-ho,
and pray God you marry money.
Cute money. Of course.
You know what we could
do to brighten up our lives?
What? We could do something
nice for the apartment.
Right, let's get one
of them round beds
like Hugh Hefner's got.
I am not going to let you turn
our bedroom into a
playground for smut.
Oh, please, Shirl,
it'll change our lives around.
I'll greet each day with
a hearty hi-ho, I promise.
Please. No, I had something
a lot more fun in mind.
Yeah, what?
A thorough spring cleaning.
Come on, the apartment's
crawling with grime and grease.
Hello.
Well, girls, happy payday.
Happy payday.
Hey, I must be doing
better than I thought.
They even stuck a
letter into my check.
You're kidding.
No, I ain't kidding.
Who's it from?
It's from Max Shotz himself.
You got a letter, let
me see. What is it?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, now everybody
wants to be Squiggy's friend.
Mmm, let's see.
"Dear Mr. Squiggman..."
Notice how he calls me "dear"?
"Six months ago,
you failed to pass
"your written exam
required for all truck drivers.
"Your second exam is sc...
Scheduled. Scheduled
for Saturday evening."
That's the night we usually
go to the ladies' prison.
Yeah, I know. That's out now.
What else does it
say? Second paragraph.
"If you fail to pass, you
will lose your driver's license
and your job as a Shotz
truck driver." Squig...
Look, Max Shotz
signed it himself.
Yeah, ain't that
nice of him, huh?
Gee, Squiggy, you never told
us you failed your driving test.
I never, I never failed
the driving test part.
It's that stupid
written test thing
they got that I, uh, I failed.
I've been on driver's, uh,
probation now for six months.
We're going to go right home and
I'm going to help you pass that test.
What do I look like to you,
somebody's baby
brother or something?
I can do it alone.
I was born by myself, and
that's the way I'm going to stay.
There goes a proud man.
Yeah, well, it was nice of you
to offer, Len, see you around.
Yeah, well, if he don't
pass, he don't work.
And if he don't work,
there's no money,
and if there's no money,
he might move out,
and I wouldn't have
any place to stay.
I'd have to come
live with you two girls.
Help that boy.
Cram that stuff into his brain.
Boy, that bedroom floor
just sparkles, don't it?
Yeah, but I don't
want to scrub no more.
My skin's getting all pruney.
Laverne, Laverne,
you did so beautifully
in the bedroom, you did so well.
You're so good, okay, come on.
Come on. Come on. Okay.
♪ Come on, let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did last summer ♪
♪ Ho, ho ♪
♪ Let's twist again
like we did last year ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Do you remember when
things were really hummin' ♪
I am so ashamed of you girls.
You got no business
enjoying yourselves
when Squiggy's upstairs
in danger of losing his job.
Not now, Len, we're
busy, can't you see?
Oh, no, what I have
to say is very serious.
Clean water, you're
right in the middle of it.
What did you do,
hurt your tailbone?
Yeah, you gotta be
careful, you know.
A fall like that could
make me non-potent.
Now, what did you
want to talk about?
Oh, Squiggy needs your help.
I got him one of those
sample driving tests, you know,
and he missed the
very first question.
It was probably a toughie.
"Print your name here"?
He knows that.
Yeah, but they
wanted first name last,
last name first... I
got confused, too.
Well, it's not a
very good start.
No, it really shook his
confidence, too, you know?
Just between the three of us,
Squiggy is not as
bright as he looks.
Oh, he's got to be.
I figured you girls
could help him out
on account of you were such
good students in high school.
Yeah? That's true.
Yeah, you always
washed your gym clothes.
Well, okay,
as soon as we're finished
washing the floors...
Go tell him that, as
soon as we're done here...
Uh, why don't you tell him, huh?
Uh, Squig?
♪ Come on let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did last summer ♪
♪ Ho... ho... ho! ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Where's my music?
Aw...
You wash your feet
in the living room, too.
Come on, Squiggy,
these are the easy ones.
Yeah, easy for you 'cause
you got the easy answers
right in front of you.
Where's Shirley anyway?
I mean, I thought she
was going to help out.
What happened to her?
She's getting pencils and papers
for the other questions.
Could I have a crayon?
Only if you're good.
Okay, Squiggy, question
eight, Squiggy, true or false...
True. I didn't ask
the question yet.
Yes, you did, you said
"Squiggy, true or false?"
I'm Squiggy, that would be true.
All right, I'm hot now.
Let's go. Come on.
Okay, skip the true and false
and go to typical
highway situations.
All right, fine, fine.
"You are following a
school bus that stops
"to let off passengers.
What do you do?"
"Hey, chickie, what are
you doing after the prom?"
Oh, come on, Squig, they're
little kids, third graders.
Third graders?
Oh, in that case, it'd be, uh,
"Give me your lunch money
or you eat this for lunch!"
Ow!
Hey, you're backing
me to the wall.
Now the bus stops,
do you pass it,
do you approach it slowly,
or do you come to a dead stop?
Am I late for work?
It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter!
It does matter! It does matter!
It does matter! It does
matter! It does matter!
It does matter! It does matter!
I found my Nancy
Drew Crayola box.
It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter!
What are you doing to that boy?!
He's driving me crazy!
I'm gonna kill him!
It doesn't matter!
That is no way
to teach a person!
He's learning.
You stop for the bus!
You stop for the bus!
You must teach with
patience and understanding.
Yeah, I agree with Shirl.
Although, uh, most of my
teachers did use Laverne's method.
You see?
You're not going to
do that to me again!
Listen, I-I can't
drive on paper.
I mean, that's,
that's unnatural.
I mean, I got to feel
the sound of the wind
blowing through my hair.
I've got to feel the noise
of those angry traffic horns
blowing up my shirt.
You know something?
Driving isn't your problem.
The written word. Yeah, yeah.
You see, if you could get behind
the wheel and act out these...
You want wheels? You got 'em.
Where are you going?
I'll be back in a minute.
Now, look, where were you?
I'll take over from
where Laverne left off.
Okay, fine. Now, where were
you, what were you up to?
We was on this question,
on how do you talk
to kids in a school bus.
Look up, uh...
Chickie, chickie,
something like that.
Chickie... I can't find that.
Might have something about a fist in there.
Well, anyway, here, listen, here's one.
We'll just go on
to this one. Okay.
All right, good. "You
are driving eastbound."
Is Lenny with me?
What difference would that make?
What are you talking about?
I mean, in the last
question at the school bus,
I figured maybe
Lenny stopped off there
'cause he saw one
of his old teachers.
He likes to say
hello to old people.
There's no school bus,
'cause there's no school.
It's Saturday, okay?
Time and a half, okay!
I like these questions.
Okay, all right.
"You are driving
eastbound..." alone.
No, wait a minute... when you
say "alone" do you mean by myself
or you mean with nobody
in the, in the cab with me?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you, uh, take,
take this pencil and paper
and draw, draw a
diagram, okay, Squiggy?
All right, that's easy
to do. I'm good at that.
Okay, good, all right. "You
are driving eastbound," alone,
on a one-way street."
On a one-way street...
"Another truck is
driving southbound.
"A third truck is
driving northbound.
Now, you all reach the
intersection together."
Squiggy, who has
the right-of-way?
Does this look
like Batman to you?
A little patience
and understanding?
I was straightening his collar.
Oh, come over here. Forget that.
He's got a pea-brain,
the size of a pea!
I know. I got the
answer to our problems.
Just help me get
this stuff in here.
What is this? Just get it in.
Oh, wow, you
brought me a present
'cause I studied hard.
Yeah, that's
right, you little...
What do you have in mind?
Well, I figured if we
act out all the questions,
at least he might have a
prayer at passing the test.
Okay, Squiggy, now I want you
to pay strict attention. Listen.
Don't say a word,
don't speak, all right?
All right, we're going
to do the three-way
intersection again, all right?
Only this time with a twist.
Since somebody forgot
to bring me a vehicle,
I'll play a pedestrian.
Okay?
Now, you're going
to be your beer truck.
You're going to travel down
Pfister, make a turn on Kent,
and meet at the Knapp
Street intersection, all right?
Laverne?
You're going to be a milk truck
making deliveries
to needy orphans.
Aw...
You're going to travel down
Kent, make a turn on Pfister,
and meet at the Knapp
Street intersection. Okay.
I am going to be a pedestrian
carrying my sick cat Boo
Boo Kitty home from the vet.
Later on that evening,
I have a date with
a Dr. Ferguson.
Would you get on with it?
All right.
Now, this is the Knapp
Street intersection, all right?
Now, we're all going to
meet at the intersection,
and we're going to see
who has the right of way.
All right.
Let's begin, shall we?
Okay. All right.
Very good, very good.
Very good, very nice.
All right, here we go.
I had the right of
way; I was on the right.
You don't have the right of way;
the pedestrian always
has the right of way.
Then why didn't the
pedestrian look both ways...
The pedestrian doesn't
have to look both ways...
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
What are you talking about?
Don't you see what happened?
I've totaled two trucks and
I squashed Boo Boo Kitty,
and we ain't even out
of the living room yet.
Okay, let's try it again.
Now, you just keep
studying, Squiggy,
while Carmine and I
make your favorite meal.
I don't think he's
gonna pass the test.
I wish I could help the guy.
I was hoping you'd
say that, Carmine.
Carmine, I want you
to offer Squiggy a job
down at the dance studio.
Okay? All right?
Are you nuts?
He can't dance. He
don't even walk well.
Carmine, please, I never
asked you for anything.
Well, okay, so I ask
you for everything,
but please, just this once,
please, Carmine, please.
All right, okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You don't have to
cry about it, Carmine.
I'm not crying... Here's
your dumb onions.
Oh, here's another
one, Pop. Okay, okay.
Well, that's it, that's all
the family pictures I got.
What are you going
to do with them all?
I'm going to fix
up the Pizza Bowl.
I'm going to hang these
pictures in the men's room.
Cover up the dirty words.
You're going to put Aunt Theresa
in the men's room?
She got a mustache,
who's going to see her?
Hey, I'll even come down
and help you hang them up.
Good, I owe you a favor.
Okay, I'm collecting right now.
What, what, what?
Pop, I want you to
offer Squiggy a job
in the Pizza Bowl.
Here.
Oh, come on, Pop, please.
Come on, he can't... he don't
know nothing about pizzas.
Well, he can learn!
Didn't you always say
you wanted to have
a son in the business?
Don't do that.
I'm sorry.
I'll give him a job, but no son.
Okay, why don't you go ask him?
Now? Yeah.
I thought we'd wait
until he grows up.
No, this is it, come on
now, ask him, ask him.
Okay?
Squiggy? Squiggy.
You go first. You go first.
You go, Pop.
I'll go first.
You want to work for me?
Why would I want
to work for you?
I mean, chopping meatballs
all day ain't my idea
of the skilled labors.
Good. Thank you very much.
God bless you.
You see that?
He didn't want it.
Squiggy?
He's been chopping onions.
No, these are real.
Squig, uh, if you
want to... uh...
you can come work with
me down at the dance studio.
Oh, uh, gee, I-I
appreciate that, Carmine.
I really do, but,
uh, I like to do
masculine work, you know?
Masculine?
What do I look like?
This is Shirley's;
she made me wear it.
It's not mine, it's Laverne's,
but I did make him wear it.
Oh, look, forget
it, I asked him.
He don't want the job.
Wait a second, wait a
second, what is going on here?
You think I don't know
what you're doing?
You're throwing all this
pity on me, ain't you?
Because you think I ain't
going to pass that test,
don't you, huh?
No, no...
No, no, no, well, I got
news for you, you're right.
I ain't gonna pass that test.
And you know why?
I'll tell you why, 'cause
my driving career is over.
I am finished!
I'm not going to pass it
for one simple reason!
Because I'm just too... dumb!
Squig, I'm home.
Hey, come on, it's time to
go take your driver's test.
Squig?
I know you're up here.
Hey, Squig?
Well, he's been here recently.
Oh.
Ahoy there, Len...
and welcome aboard
the good ship Lolliflop.
Get out of there!
Squig, come on.
You smell like you
work in a brewery.
I smell like I did work
in a brewery, Len.
Did, Len, did!
Yeah...
Well, you're a fun drunk, Squig.
But you got to pull
yourself together.
You know, you got to go
down there and take that test.
You can't do it like that.
They'll arrest you
for drunk writing.
I ain't taking no
stupid driving test.
I'm blowing this jerkwater town.
I'm going somewhere
where a man can be free.
You can't leave!
If I do, I ain't taking
this thing with me.
Here's something else I
ain't taking with me, too.
My little black book.
I'm giving up women, Lenny.
Why?
Because I'm going to
become a man of the cloth.
I'll be a priest.
You can't be a priest;
you're a Lutheran!
Another strike against me!
Religious prejudice!
Will you stop feeling
sorry for yourself?
Come on, you're
going to stay here.
You're going to
stay a truck driver.
You were born to it.
Born to it.
What are you laughing at?
I don't know.
That ain't supposed to be funny.
I've drove my last truck.
I can't even pass a test
they give to little
old lady truck drivers.
Everybody knows...
I'm... worthless.
I didn't know that.
And I know you
can pass that test.
I know you've been
studying very, very hard.
Look, I always looked
up to you, you know that.
I mean... you taught me the
meaning of the word "guts."
That's a easy word Len, "guts!"
It says it.
Do you remember that
day up on Suicide Hill?
Remember that day
the brakes went out
and the truck got rolling,
we were doing about
90 miles an hour?
Yeah, I couldn't get nothing
in on the radio, either.
Yeah.
Well, you brought that thing
around Dead Man's Curve,
narrowly missing
that schoolhouse.
You put the truck in a
spin, double-clutched,
did a 360 and
brought it to a halt
right in front of
that burger stand.
Boy was I hungry.
You're the best truck
driver I ever seen.
You've never run
over a skunk or nothing.
Not unless it was him or me.
Look, just because you
got a little difficultness
in your reading and writing,
that don't mean
you can't do your job.
My leg, Lenny, my leg!
It's behind you.
Look, look, look,
look, listen...
Squig, you got to take the test.
Why?
Because you don't just want...
'cause you don't just...
'cause you... 'cause...
Well, if you wasn't
around, then... I'd miss you.
Oh, how selfish can you be?
All right, Len,
I'll take that
stupid driver's test.
And I'll pass it, too.
But not for me,
for my best friend.
I'll just have to fall
apart some other time.
Squig, you're
choking me to death.
You sure you're up to it now?
Yeah, sure, sure.
Sure, I can handle it.
You're not too drunk or nothing?
Nah. You need a lift down there?
Mm, that might help.
What can I do for you, ladies?
We just thought we'd come up
and wait with you
for the test results.
Yeah, we saw Lenny downstairs
waiting for the mailman.
Yeah, well...
Besides, we don't come
up here too often and visit.
I don't know why.
I know why.
Well, listen, I, I
was just thinking
of having myself
some, uh, some lunch.
Uh, would you like to join me?
Oh, that's very nice, thank
you very much. Thanks.
What a nice green
tablecloth you've got here.
Something moved.
Good-bye, Robert.
Bye, Robert.
Mm, boy, oh, boy, this
looks good, I tell you.
Whenever I am nervous,
I always eat something.
It always makes me
un-nervous, you know? Mm-mm.
What is that?
Well, let's see it.
It's brown today, that
means it was yellow once.
Don't it make your mouth water?
Mm-hmm.
Makes my eyes water.
Now on top of everything,
you insult my cooking...
The one thing I do
good in the world.
I'm sorry, Squig, I'm sorry.
You're sorry, Squig.
You're sorry, Squig.
How about you, Shirl,
would you like some?
No, thanks, I'm fasting.
Religious reasons. Oh.
The test results are here!
I just got them!
Oh, open them up.
No, I'm in no hurry.
Okay, here you go, Squig.
Read them, read them.
No, I'm too nervous to read.
Why don't you read it, Lenny?
Read it, read it, Lenny.
Read it. All right.
Out loud, read it out
loud. Oh, oh, okay.
The test score was... 73.
Passing grade.
You passed! You passed, Squiggy!
Oh, I passed, I passed.
Yeah, I knew you could.
Aw, you jerk.
Hey, what do you say we go
to a truck stop and celebrate?
Yeah, you want us to change
or anything? All right, okay...
Um... um... No,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Uh, truck stop only for
truck drivers, you know?
No girls allowed.
How come they always
want to tag along with us?
Ain't they got
lives of their own?
Oh, well... Isn't it
wonderful, Laverne?
Isn't life miraculous?
I mean, a man loses
confidence in himself,
and so he fails a test.
But he regains that confidence
through the help of his friends.
Hey, I think I'm getting
to the yellow part.
Come on, let's get
out of here, Shirl.
Wait a minute.
What? What's this?
Squiggy's little black book.
Well, what are you
waiting for? Read it.
What does it say?
What does it say?
Ivy Burger's in here.
No, what's it say?
"Ivy Burger.
"Makes a lotta
noise, but it's okay,
her mudder don't hear good."
Oh, Ivy Burger's
in Squiggy's book.
Wait till I tell her that,
she's going to die.
You're in here, too.
No. What's it
say? What's it say?
"Laverne DeFazio.
Her old man pay me
never to take her out."
I'll have to thank
my pop for that.
Let me see if you're in here.
My dear, I am certain
I'm not in that book.
"Shirley Feeney.
Must be careful with this one."
"Wants to marry me
and have my baby."
Mrs. Shirley Squiggman
and the squiglets.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Look at this, just look at this.
Everybody gets a
piece of my check.
Federal tax, state tax,
disability, Social Security.
Are they still
docking you for that
forklift you misplaced? Yeah.
Pick, pick, pick.
They're all taking my money.
How am I ever going
to get the thing I want
most out of life?
A purple cashmere sweater.
Some people dream of new cars,
some people dream of homes,
some people dream of peace
on earth, goodwill to men.
All you want out of life is a
purple cashmere sweater.
No, I want shoes dyed to match.
And some day,
you'll have all that.
In the meantime,
you struggle by,
you greet each day
with a hearty hi-ho,
and pray God you marry money.
Cute money. Of course.
You know what we could
do to brighten up our lives?
What? We could do something
nice for the apartment.
Right, let's get one
of them round beds
like Hugh Hefner's got.
I am not going to let you turn
our bedroom into a
playground for smut.
Oh, please, Shirl,
it'll change our lives around.
I'll greet each day with
a hearty hi-ho, I promise.
Please. No, I had something
a lot more fun in mind.
Yeah, what?
A thorough spring cleaning.
Come on, the apartment's
crawling with grime and grease.
Hello.
Well, girls, happy payday.
Happy payday.
Hey, I must be doing
better than I thought.
They even stuck a
letter into my check.
You're kidding.
No, I ain't kidding.
Who's it from?
It's from Max Shotz himself.
You got a letter, let
me see. What is it?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, now everybody
wants to be Squiggy's friend.
Mmm, let's see.
"Dear Mr. Squiggman..."
Notice how he calls me "dear"?
"Six months ago,
you failed to pass
"your written exam
required for all truck drivers.
"Your second exam is sc...
Scheduled. Scheduled
for Saturday evening."
That's the night we usually
go to the ladies' prison.
Yeah, I know. That's out now.
What else does it
say? Second paragraph.
"If you fail to pass, you
will lose your driver's license
and your job as a Shotz
truck driver." Squig...
Look, Max Shotz
signed it himself.
Yeah, ain't that
nice of him, huh?
Gee, Squiggy, you never told
us you failed your driving test.
I never, I never failed
the driving test part.
It's that stupid
written test thing
they got that I, uh, I failed.
I've been on driver's, uh,
probation now for six months.
We're going to go right home and
I'm going to help you pass that test.
What do I look like to you,
somebody's baby
brother or something?
I can do it alone.
I was born by myself, and
that's the way I'm going to stay.
There goes a proud man.
Yeah, well, it was nice of you
to offer, Len, see you around.
Yeah, well, if he don't
pass, he don't work.
And if he don't work,
there's no money,
and if there's no money,
he might move out,
and I wouldn't have
any place to stay.
I'd have to come
live with you two girls.
Help that boy.
Cram that stuff into his brain.
Boy, that bedroom floor
just sparkles, don't it?
Yeah, but I don't
want to scrub no more.
My skin's getting all pruney.
Laverne, Laverne,
you did so beautifully
in the bedroom, you did so well.
You're so good, okay, come on.
Come on. Come on. Okay.
♪ Come on, let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did last summer ♪
♪ Ho, ho ♪
♪ Let's twist again
like we did last year ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Do you remember when
things were really hummin' ♪
I am so ashamed of you girls.
You got no business
enjoying yourselves
when Squiggy's upstairs
in danger of losing his job.
Not now, Len, we're
busy, can't you see?
Oh, no, what I have
to say is very serious.
Clean water, you're
right in the middle of it.
What did you do,
hurt your tailbone?
Yeah, you gotta be
careful, you know.
A fall like that could
make me non-potent.
Now, what did you
want to talk about?
Oh, Squiggy needs your help.
I got him one of those
sample driving tests, you know,
and he missed the
very first question.
It was probably a toughie.
"Print your name here"?
He knows that.
Yeah, but they
wanted first name last,
last name first... I
got confused, too.
Well, it's not a
very good start.
No, it really shook his
confidence, too, you know?
Just between the three of us,
Squiggy is not as
bright as he looks.
Oh, he's got to be.
I figured you girls
could help him out
on account of you were such
good students in high school.
Yeah? That's true.
Yeah, you always
washed your gym clothes.
Well, okay,
as soon as we're finished
washing the floors...
Go tell him that, as
soon as we're done here...
Uh, why don't you tell him, huh?
Uh, Squig?
♪ Come on let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did last summer ♪
♪ Ho... ho... ho! ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Where's my music?
Aw...
You wash your feet
in the living room, too.
Come on, Squiggy,
these are the easy ones.
Yeah, easy for you 'cause
you got the easy answers
right in front of you.
Where's Shirley anyway?
I mean, I thought she
was going to help out.
What happened to her?
She's getting pencils and papers
for the other questions.
Could I have a crayon?
Only if you're good.
Okay, Squiggy, question
eight, Squiggy, true or false...
True. I didn't ask
the question yet.
Yes, you did, you said
"Squiggy, true or false?"
I'm Squiggy, that would be true.
All right, I'm hot now.
Let's go. Come on.
Okay, skip the true and false
and go to typical
highway situations.
All right, fine, fine.
"You are following a
school bus that stops
"to let off passengers.
What do you do?"
"Hey, chickie, what are
you doing after the prom?"
Oh, come on, Squig, they're
little kids, third graders.
Third graders?
Oh, in that case, it'd be, uh,
"Give me your lunch money
or you eat this for lunch!"
Ow!
Hey, you're backing
me to the wall.
Now the bus stops,
do you pass it,
do you approach it slowly,
or do you come to a dead stop?
Am I late for work?
It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter!
It does matter! It does matter!
It does matter! It does
matter! It does matter!
It does matter! It does matter!
I found my Nancy
Drew Crayola box.
It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter!
What are you doing to that boy?!
He's driving me crazy!
I'm gonna kill him!
It doesn't matter!
That is no way
to teach a person!
He's learning.
You stop for the bus!
You stop for the bus!
You must teach with
patience and understanding.
Yeah, I agree with Shirl.
Although, uh, most of my
teachers did use Laverne's method.
You see?
You're not going to
do that to me again!
Listen, I-I can't
drive on paper.
I mean, that's,
that's unnatural.
I mean, I got to feel
the sound of the wind
blowing through my hair.
I've got to feel the noise
of those angry traffic horns
blowing up my shirt.
You know something?
Driving isn't your problem.
The written word. Yeah, yeah.
You see, if you could get behind
the wheel and act out these...
You want wheels? You got 'em.
Where are you going?
I'll be back in a minute.
Now, look, where were you?
I'll take over from
where Laverne left off.
Okay, fine. Now, where were
you, what were you up to?
We was on this question,
on how do you talk
to kids in a school bus.
Look up, uh...
Chickie, chickie,
something like that.
Chickie... I can't find that.
Might have something about a fist in there.
Well, anyway, here, listen, here's one.
We'll just go on
to this one. Okay.
All right, good. "You
are driving eastbound."
Is Lenny with me?
What difference would that make?
What are you talking about?
I mean, in the last
question at the school bus,
I figured maybe
Lenny stopped off there
'cause he saw one
of his old teachers.
He likes to say
hello to old people.
There's no school bus,
'cause there's no school.
It's Saturday, okay?
Time and a half, okay!
I like these questions.
Okay, all right.
"You are driving
eastbound..." alone.
No, wait a minute... when you
say "alone" do you mean by myself
or you mean with nobody
in the, in the cab with me?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you, uh, take,
take this pencil and paper
and draw, draw a
diagram, okay, Squiggy?
All right, that's easy
to do. I'm good at that.
Okay, good, all right. "You
are driving eastbound," alone,
on a one-way street."
On a one-way street...
"Another truck is
driving southbound.
"A third truck is
driving northbound.
Now, you all reach the
intersection together."
Squiggy, who has
the right-of-way?
Does this look
like Batman to you?
A little patience
and understanding?
I was straightening his collar.
Oh, come over here. Forget that.
He's got a pea-brain,
the size of a pea!
I know. I got the
answer to our problems.
Just help me get
this stuff in here.
What is this? Just get it in.
Oh, wow, you
brought me a present
'cause I studied hard.
Yeah, that's
right, you little...
What do you have in mind?
Well, I figured if we
act out all the questions,
at least he might have a
prayer at passing the test.
Okay, Squiggy, now I want you
to pay strict attention. Listen.
Don't say a word,
don't speak, all right?
All right, we're going
to do the three-way
intersection again, all right?
Only this time with a twist.
Since somebody forgot
to bring me a vehicle,
I'll play a pedestrian.
Okay?
Now, you're going
to be your beer truck.
You're going to travel down
Pfister, make a turn on Kent,
and meet at the Knapp
Street intersection, all right?
Laverne?
You're going to be a milk truck
making deliveries
to needy orphans.
Aw...
You're going to travel down
Kent, make a turn on Pfister,
and meet at the Knapp
Street intersection. Okay.
I am going to be a pedestrian
carrying my sick cat Boo
Boo Kitty home from the vet.
Later on that evening,
I have a date with
a Dr. Ferguson.
Would you get on with it?
All right.
Now, this is the Knapp
Street intersection, all right?
Now, we're all going to
meet at the intersection,
and we're going to see
who has the right of way.
All right.
Let's begin, shall we?
Okay. All right.
Very good, very good.
Very good, very nice.
All right, here we go.
I had the right of
way; I was on the right.
You don't have the right of way;
the pedestrian always
has the right of way.
Then why didn't the
pedestrian look both ways...
The pedestrian doesn't
have to look both ways...
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
What are you talking about?
Don't you see what happened?
I've totaled two trucks and
I squashed Boo Boo Kitty,
and we ain't even out
of the living room yet.
Okay, let's try it again.
Now, you just keep
studying, Squiggy,
while Carmine and I
make your favorite meal.
I don't think he's
gonna pass the test.
I wish I could help the guy.
I was hoping you'd
say that, Carmine.
Carmine, I want you
to offer Squiggy a job
down at the dance studio.
Okay? All right?
Are you nuts?
He can't dance. He
don't even walk well.
Carmine, please, I never
asked you for anything.
Well, okay, so I ask
you for everything,
but please, just this once,
please, Carmine, please.
All right, okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You don't have to
cry about it, Carmine.
I'm not crying... Here's
your dumb onions.
Oh, here's another
one, Pop. Okay, okay.
Well, that's it, that's all
the family pictures I got.
What are you going
to do with them all?
I'm going to fix
up the Pizza Bowl.
I'm going to hang these
pictures in the men's room.
Cover up the dirty words.
You're going to put Aunt Theresa
in the men's room?
She got a mustache,
who's going to see her?
Hey, I'll even come down
and help you hang them up.
Good, I owe you a favor.
Okay, I'm collecting right now.
What, what, what?
Pop, I want you to
offer Squiggy a job
in the Pizza Bowl.
Here.
Oh, come on, Pop, please.
Come on, he can't... he don't
know nothing about pizzas.
Well, he can learn!
Didn't you always say
you wanted to have
a son in the business?
Don't do that.
I'm sorry.
I'll give him a job, but no son.
Okay, why don't you go ask him?
Now? Yeah.
I thought we'd wait
until he grows up.
No, this is it, come on
now, ask him, ask him.
Okay?
Squiggy? Squiggy.
You go first. You go first.
You go, Pop.
I'll go first.
You want to work for me?
Why would I want
to work for you?
I mean, chopping meatballs
all day ain't my idea
of the skilled labors.
Good. Thank you very much.
God bless you.
You see that?
He didn't want it.
Squiggy?
He's been chopping onions.
No, these are real.
Squig, uh, if you
want to... uh...
you can come work with
me down at the dance studio.
Oh, uh, gee, I-I
appreciate that, Carmine.
I really do, but,
uh, I like to do
masculine work, you know?
Masculine?
What do I look like?
This is Shirley's;
she made me wear it.
It's not mine, it's Laverne's,
but I did make him wear it.
Oh, look, forget
it, I asked him.
He don't want the job.
Wait a second, wait a
second, what is going on here?
You think I don't know
what you're doing?
You're throwing all this
pity on me, ain't you?
Because you think I ain't
going to pass that test,
don't you, huh?
No, no...
No, no, no, well, I got
news for you, you're right.
I ain't gonna pass that test.
And you know why?
I'll tell you why, 'cause
my driving career is over.
I am finished!
I'm not going to pass it
for one simple reason!
Because I'm just too... dumb!
Squig, I'm home.
Hey, come on, it's time to
go take your driver's test.
Squig?
I know you're up here.
Hey, Squig?
Well, he's been here recently.
Oh.
Ahoy there, Len...
and welcome aboard
the good ship Lolliflop.
Get out of there!
Squig, come on.
You smell like you
work in a brewery.
I smell like I did work
in a brewery, Len.
Did, Len, did!
Yeah...
Well, you're a fun drunk, Squig.
But you got to pull
yourself together.
You know, you got to go
down there and take that test.
You can't do it like that.
They'll arrest you
for drunk writing.
I ain't taking no
stupid driving test.
I'm blowing this jerkwater town.
I'm going somewhere
where a man can be free.
You can't leave!
If I do, I ain't taking
this thing with me.
Here's something else I
ain't taking with me, too.
My little black book.
I'm giving up women, Lenny.
Why?
Because I'm going to
become a man of the cloth.
I'll be a priest.
You can't be a priest;
you're a Lutheran!
Another strike against me!
Religious prejudice!
Will you stop feeling
sorry for yourself?
Come on, you're
going to stay here.
You're going to
stay a truck driver.
You were born to it.
Born to it.
What are you laughing at?
I don't know.
That ain't supposed to be funny.
I've drove my last truck.
I can't even pass a test
they give to little
old lady truck drivers.
Everybody knows...
I'm... worthless.
I didn't know that.
And I know you
can pass that test.
I know you've been
studying very, very hard.
Look, I always looked
up to you, you know that.
I mean... you taught me the
meaning of the word "guts."
That's a easy word Len, "guts!"
It says it.
Do you remember that
day up on Suicide Hill?
Remember that day
the brakes went out
and the truck got rolling,
we were doing about
90 miles an hour?
Yeah, I couldn't get nothing
in on the radio, either.
Yeah.
Well, you brought that thing
around Dead Man's Curve,
narrowly missing
that schoolhouse.
You put the truck in a
spin, double-clutched,
did a 360 and
brought it to a halt
right in front of
that burger stand.
Boy was I hungry.
You're the best truck
driver I ever seen.
You've never run
over a skunk or nothing.
Not unless it was him or me.
Look, just because you
got a little difficultness
in your reading and writing,
that don't mean
you can't do your job.
My leg, Lenny, my leg!
It's behind you.
Look, look, look,
look, listen...
Squig, you got to take the test.
Why?
Because you don't just want...
'cause you don't just...
'cause you... 'cause...
Well, if you wasn't
around, then... I'd miss you.
Oh, how selfish can you be?
All right, Len,
I'll take that
stupid driver's test.
And I'll pass it, too.
But not for me,
for my best friend.
I'll just have to fall
apart some other time.
Squig, you're
choking me to death.
You sure you're up to it now?
Yeah, sure, sure.
Sure, I can handle it.
You're not too drunk or nothing?
Nah. You need a lift down there?
Mm, that might help.
What can I do for you, ladies?
We just thought we'd come up
and wait with you
for the test results.
Yeah, we saw Lenny downstairs
waiting for the mailman.
Yeah, well...
Besides, we don't come
up here too often and visit.
I don't know why.
I know why.
Well, listen, I, I
was just thinking
of having myself
some, uh, some lunch.
Uh, would you like to join me?
Oh, that's very nice, thank
you very much. Thanks.
What a nice green
tablecloth you've got here.
Something moved.
Good-bye, Robert.
Bye, Robert.
Mm, boy, oh, boy, this
looks good, I tell you.
Whenever I am nervous,
I always eat something.
It always makes me
un-nervous, you know? Mm-mm.
What is that?
Well, let's see it.
It's brown today, that
means it was yellow once.
Don't it make your mouth water?
Mm-hmm.
Makes my eyes water.
Now on top of everything,
you insult my cooking...
The one thing I do
good in the world.
I'm sorry, Squig, I'm sorry.
You're sorry, Squig.
You're sorry, Squig.
How about you, Shirl,
would you like some?
No, thanks, I'm fasting.
Religious reasons. Oh.
The test results are here!
I just got them!
Oh, open them up.
No, I'm in no hurry.
Okay, here you go, Squig.
Read them, read them.
No, I'm too nervous to read.
Why don't you read it, Lenny?
Read it, read it, Lenny.
Read it. All right.
Out loud, read it out
loud. Oh, oh, okay.
The test score was... 73.
Passing grade.
You passed! You passed, Squiggy!
Oh, I passed, I passed.
Yeah, I knew you could.
Aw, you jerk.
Hey, what do you say we go
to a truck stop and celebrate?
Yeah, you want us to change
or anything? All right, okay...
Um... um... No,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Uh, truck stop only for
truck drivers, you know?
No girls allowed.
How come they always
want to tag along with us?
Ain't they got
lives of their own?
Oh, well... Isn't it
wonderful, Laverne?
Isn't life miraculous?
I mean, a man loses
confidence in himself,
and so he fails a test.
But he regains that confidence
through the help of his friends.
Hey, I think I'm getting
to the yellow part.
Come on, let's get
out of here, Shirl.
Wait a minute.
What? What's this?
Squiggy's little black book.
Well, what are you
waiting for? Read it.
What does it say?
What does it say?
Ivy Burger's in here.
No, what's it say?
"Ivy Burger.
"Makes a lotta
noise, but it's okay,
her mudder don't hear good."
Oh, Ivy Burger's
in Squiggy's book.
Wait till I tell her that,
she's going to die.
You're in here, too.
No. What's it
say? What's it say?
"Laverne DeFazio.
Her old man pay me
never to take her out."
I'll have to thank
my pop for that.
Let me see if you're in here.
My dear, I am certain
I'm not in that book.
"Shirley Feeney.
Must be careful with this one."
"Wants to marry me
and have my baby."
Mrs. Shirley Squiggman
and the squiglets.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪