Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 18 - Bus Stop - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Frank, any sign
of the girls yet?

Nah. There's just a big
street-cleaning truck out there.

Come on.

Get away from the window.

I'll get you if it's
the last thing I do!

Come on. Come on,
come on! Would you...?

It's hot out.

You ought to be grateful.

Yeah, he'll feel much better

when Laverne and
Shirley get home.

I know who you
are! I'll get you!

Look, the girls wanted us
to be here at 6:00, everyone.

Well, where are they?

I got a business to run.

Pizza Bowl, remember?

You know, I hope they're
not in any kind of trouble.

Listen, for all we know, it
might be something wonderful.

Hello.

We have solved the case of
the missing Laverne and Shirleys.

You know where the girls are?

They've been
kidnapped. That's right.

What are you talking about?

We're talking about
clues, Mr. DeFazio, clues.

Clue number one.

Where are the girls?

They ain't here.

Clue number two.

Take a look at this.

It's a ransom note.

Read it and weep. All right.

Uh-huh.

"Pay up now, or else."

I wrote that.

What have you done
to those women?

It's not a ransom note.

I was just trying to
get you to pay the rent.

Look, we're all getting
carried away here.

The girls will be
home any minute,

so let's just sit
down and relax.

Be calm. I'm calm.

You want to call calm,
you call for me, I'm calm.

I got it, I got it, I've
got it. Hello. Hello?

Oh, Laverne, are you
and Shirley all right?

Ask her if they're still alive.

Oh, great!

Oh, okay. Good-bye.

What, what? Turn
on channel seven.

Laverne and Shirley
are on the television.

What, what, they were
in an accident? No.

They been arrested? No.

They're on Howdy Doodie?

No.

They made the peanut gallery?

No. They were interviewed

by the roving
reporter at lunchtime.

And their car broke down,

so they're watching in
some bar someplace. Here.

Oh, so now we got
to miss Flub-a-Dub.

Shh! Shh!

And that's the weather.

Now for our "Man on
the Street" segment.

This is Robert Shapiro,
your Roving Reporter,

and today I'm roving in
front of the Hotel Pfister

here in downtown Milwaukee.

And while I'm roving, I'm
asking people who they like

in the presidential
campaign... Kennedy or Nixon.

Let's ask these two
young men here.

Hi. Who are you, and
where are you from?

Hi, I'm Greg Harris, this is my
friend Larry Ryan. Mm-hmm.

And we're medical
students in Oshkosh.

Ah, up near Sheboygan.
Hello up there.

Uh, who do you
like in the big race?

I think Vice President Nixon
has the experience. Mm-hmm.

And he's also very strong
in international affairs.

Okay. I believe that Kennedy's
too young to be an effective leader.

Oh.

Ah, baloney, Nixon's no good.

Oh, we seem to...
we seem to have a...

We seem to have a
dissenting opinion here.

Come on over, young lady.

Excuse me, excuse me.

The First Amendment is no
stranger here in Milwaukee.

Who are you, where are you from?

Hi, I'm Laverne DeFazio, and
this here is my friend, Shir...

Uh, get out of here!

This here's my
friend Shirley Feeney,

we work at Shotz Brewery,
and we like Kennedy.

Yes.

Ah, so you, uh, disagree with
our young medical students?

Yeah. Yes, we do. We...

Did you say medical students?

Oh, my, you're
going to be doctors.

That's... Excuse me,
you're in... you're in my light.

You're in my light.

Uh, I imagine you have
good reasons for your choice?

Oh, you bet I do.

Maybe you could
tell us about it.

Uh, well, I saw
Nixon on TV last night.

And he has those
beady eyes. Mm-hmm.

And he didn't even shave.

And he was sweating bullets,
right around here, especially.

Whereas Kennedy,
on the other hand,

he was so cute and cool,
and he had that nice thick hair,

and I really like the
way he says "Cuber."

I see, and I suppose you also
support the young senator?

Hello?

Yes, I do, yes, I
do, but, however,

my reasons are
a lot more political

than just the way he says Cuber.

I think that Jacqueline will
make a wonderful first lady,

and many of my friends
say that I resemble her.

Mm-hmm.

Do we get paid for
this? Do we get paid?

Uh, we are just
about out of time here,

uh, from the hotel, so
this is Robert Shap...

Are you doing anything
after this? Excuse me.

Well, we got to get
back to work. Excuse me.

I was thinking maybe
we could get together.

Excuse me. Robert Shapiro...

And Laverne DeFazio.

Returning you to the studio.

Hi, Carmine! Hi, Marion!

Hi, Pop! Hi, Pop!

Did you hear that? Shirley
said my name on TV!

Yeah, yeah, my Muffin's on TV.

Take a look. Isn't she pretty?

Television makes
everybody look fatter.

I'm, I'm, I'm lost, though.

Who's this Kennedy guy?

Oh, who cares.

I'm voting for Nixon.

He reminds me of my dad.

I wish the car wasn't broke,
so we could go up to the lake.

I hate going to the public pool.

Remember last year

when Chunkie Ward did
a cannonball on my face?

Ah, what are you talking about?

The pool's great.

You get 50, 60
guys in that pool,

and you can't
help but do all right.

Sounds terrific.

But I heard that's how
Wanda Hoffman got pregnant.

Oh, come on, Shirley.

Even her father doesn't
believe that story.

I do.

Here's your thingie.

Hi, Aldo.

Hi, Aldo. Say hi.

Yeah, hi, Aldo.

Look, when you use that thing,

could you swim at the
other end of the pool, huh?

I always do, don't I?

Listen, I'm going
down to the drugstore

to get some suntan oil, so
will you meet me out front

in five minutes, and
remember to bring all this stuff?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay, and Laverne,

would you mind
putting something on

so you're not exposed like that?

I don't want to have
to walk down the street

with you looking that way.

Ah, Miss Prude of the world.

Yeah, then you can see
their legs underwater.

Hello?

Who is it?

Who is it? Hello?

Who? Oh, of course
I remember you.

Who do you remember? Who is it?

Oh, well, I don't
know. I'll ask her.

Ask me what? Ask me.

It's Greg and Larry.
They want to know

if we want to go out
with them tonight.

We don't go out with them.

Besides, we don't
know no Greg and Larry.

Oh, yeah, you do.

The medical students?
Medical students!

Yeah. Give me the phone,
give me the phone, give me...

I want to talk to them.

I talk medicine better than you.

Hello?

Hi!

Yes, how wonderful
of you to call.

It's not medicine...
Of course I remember.

Uh-huh.

Why, that would be marvelous.

What would be marvelous?
Absolutely marvelous.

Well, we'll do that, then. What would
be marvelous? What are we doing?

Okay, no, that's... yes.

All right, see you
then. Bye-bye.

What, what?

We got a date with
them in Oshkosh!

Oshkosh!

Just in case these guys
won't drive us home,

I brought bus fare back.

Now classy guys keep their word.

That's why we have to show
them that we're classy ladies.

Right, we're ladies.

I hope we have fun.

Attention, now boarding
one through six...

Nice talking to you.

Washington.

So this is Oshkosh.

It's everything I ever
imagined it would be.

There they are, there
they are, there they are.

Okay. All right, this could be

the most important date
of our lives, so remember...

I know, I know, don't
act cheap. Right.

Don't be loud. Right.

And don't have fun.

You'll thank me later.

Hi.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

Sorry we're late, but
the bus had a flat tire.

Oh. That's right.

If it hadn't been
for this little lady

and her knowledge of jacks,
we'd still be out there on Route 41.

Pumping up.

We were wondering
why it was so long.

You're Laverne. Greg?

No, Shirley.

Oh, of course, Larry,
you look like a Larry.

Well, thank you.
Nice to meet you.

I got Greg. I got Larry.

Well, you've seen
the bus station.

Uh, now let's go back
to our place, huh?

Wait a minute.

Wait just a minute.

Over the phone,

you fellas said something
about a restaurant.

Yeah, well, we're
going to do that,

but first we thought, one
little drinkie at our place.

Oh, come on, Shirl,
just one little drinkie.

I want to have a drinkie.

One little drinkie.
Absolutely no,

no, no, no, no, no!

I'm sorry, but we can't.

We're good girls.

The kind of girls you could
take home to mom, so to speak.

Maybe Mom... will
drop by later, huh?

Oh, what could happen
with his mom there?

Why, Laverne, whatever is

this in your hair?

I want to see his mom,

and I want a drinkie,
and I want to see his mom.

I'm sorry, but we just couldn't.

You'll thank her later.

Uh, there's nothing we can
say to change your mind?

Well... No.

Well, since we're not
going back to our place,

I guess I'll just
freshen up here.

So, if you'll excuse me, girls?

Okay. Coming, Larry?

Yeah, sure.

Excuse us, girls.

Sure.

I didn't know guys
went together.

Classy guys go together.

Oh.

Now they know
we're classy girls.

Yeah, well, when do
we start having fun?

Forget about fun, will you?

We're talking about marriage.

Picture this, Laverne.

A double wedding, two doctors.

Everybody will be wearing white.

I got a feeling

that this is going to
be one of the nicest,

most wonderful evenings
of our entire lives.

Huh. Oh, boy, I can't
wait till they come out.

Mm.

They dumped us, Shirl.

I'm telling you, the only reason

they went out with
us was to vo-de-o-do.

As soon as they found
out we wouldn't, they left.

Oh, fiddle-faddle, Laverne,

future doctors don't leave
people stranded in bus stations.

They're in there.

Oh, yeah, you're so sure?

Why don't you go
in there and check?

I do not stick my head
in men's room doors.

It's very unladylike.

You do it.

All right, I will.

I'm not going to
sit here all night.

Hey, you in there,
you ready for our date?

Can you hear me in there, huh?

Of course they can hear
you. You think they're deaf?

Excuse me, can I, uh,
can I help you ladies?

Uh, we were just looking
for a couple of guys. Yes.

Not too choosy, are you?

No, explain to him.

No, we were
looking for our dates.

Uh, maybe you've seen them,
one's a tall blond, green eyes...

A dark-haired guy
with a striped suit.

Cute guys? SHIRLEY:
Very cute, yes.

Oh, they left here
about a half hour ago.

Snuck out that way.

What?! I knew it.

Larry! Greg! I knew
it, we were dumped!

Excuse me, uh,

what time is the next
bus back to Milwaukee?

10:00. Oh, terrific.

Tomorrow morning. Not terrific.

Tomorrow.

Larry, Greg, whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo! Dumped.

I knew it, dumped.

Larry? Greg?

Dumped in a depot.

Depot dumped.

Where do you suppose they went?

Home.

♪ ♪

You mean to tell me that

we traveled 30 miles
and fixed a flat tire,

just in order to get... Dumped.

Well, that's sort of
humiliating, don't you think?

All right, let's not sit
around here and mope.

Come on, get on the
phone and call Carmine

and see if he'll
come up and get us.

I can't call Carmine and ask him

to come and pick me up
from another man's date.

We're just going to have
to wait for the next bus

back to Milwaukee.

When is it? Tomorrow morning.

Do you have a dime? Yeah.

No answer.

Try your father again.

Then try Carmine.

Then try your father again.

Then try Carmine.

Shirl, my fingers hurt.

Nobody's home.

Look, I left a message
with Mary the waitress,

and as soon as my
father comes in, he'll call.

Come on, if worst

comes to worst, we'll
just spend the night here.

I am not spending the night
in a bus depot with bums.

Well, what would you like to do?

I would like to go to a hotel.

Or a motel.

Or even a Howard Johnson's.
You want an ice cream now?

No, I don't want ice cream now.

Oh, come on, you know
we only have enough money

for bus fare back
in the morning.

We'll see about that.

Come on.

What are you going
to do, roll the bum?

Don't be stupid.

Hi there. Remember us?

The ladies from the men's room.

That's right. Find any guys yet?

Guys aren't our problem.

We were wondering
if you had ten dollars

so we could go to a hotel room?

Ten dollars for the two
of you in a hotel room?

Heck, I'd give 25 for that.

Really? Shirley,
tell him to forget it.

How very generous of you, $25.

And believe you
me, we are good for it.

I'm looking forward to that.

Shirl, call it off.

Would you excuse
me a moment, please?

Laverne, you are
being very rude.

This gentlemen is offering to
lend us $25... You don't understand.

He is not offering to lend
us anything, he wants to...

You pig, you pig, you pig!

You're a disgrace!

Well, we're stuck
in a depot tonight.

We might as well
get some sleep, huh?

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

I can't get comfortable.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Let me...

We were better
off the other way.

Get back on the
other side, will you?

Just let me get my arm in there.

If I get my arm in there,
I'll scoot in there with you.

Shirl, that's much better.

I don't think I'm going
to be happy down here.

Then get back up here, whoo!

No, no, you take the bench.

I deserve to sleep on the floor.

This whole evening's
my fault anyway.

Boy, thinking we
could be doctors' wives,

what a dope I am. Yeah.

Oh, come on, it ain't that bad.

You don't see me sitting
on the floor crying, do you?

Yeah, well, you didn't
get your hopes up.

I mean, all you lost
is an evening of smut.

Well, that's a big loss.

I, on the other hand,
lost a two-story home,

three kids and a dog.

What kind of dog?

I don't know.

A collie or a sheepdog.

Collies look better
in station wagons.

I can't believe it!

I'm doing it again!

What, getting
crazy over animals?

No, I'm daydreaming.

I must stop that.
I must stop that.

Oh, no, Shirl, you
can't stop dreaming.

Why not?

'Cause I'm bad at it.

Come on, just
think, if one of your

cockamamie dreams
comes true, we're home free.

Yeah.

Do you think any one
of my dreams is ever

going to come true?

Yeah.

What are you dreaming
about right now?

I was dreaming
that I have a place

to lay my weary
body for the night.

You got it.

Come on, you've got to help
me with the dream though.

Tickle, tickle. What
are you going to do?

Just help me.

Oh, no, Laverne, no.

That's dead weight there.
No, a dream's a dream.

Just on three, pull.
One, two, three.

Well, one dream come true.
Come on, you're on a streak.

Okay, I have a dream that a
man comes through that door

and announces a special
bus back to Milwaukee.

Oh, well.

If he comes, he'll wake us up.

Oh, he left his hat.

'Night, Shirl.

Good night, Laverne.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.

"I pray the Lord
my soul to keep.

"If I should die before I wake.

I pray the Lord
my soul to take."

God bless Momma, Daddy, Grandma,

all my family, all
my friends, Laverne,

and please, dear Lord,

strike those two
medical students down

with a lightning bolt.

Amen.

So, here we are in Oshkosh.

How about that, huh?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What?

I think we found them.

Look at this, huh? Aww.

A couple of sleeping beauties.

What do you say we wake
them up with a little slice

of Prince Charming, huh?

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, oh,
I'm sorry, Lenny.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I'm so happy to see you, Len.

How did you guys
know we were here?

Your father told us.

Oh, my father, and then you guys

just jumped in the truck
and came up here to get us.

Yeah. Yeah, something like that.

Only he gave us 25 bucks first.

Yeah, speaking of which,
we're double-parked outside.

You want to kind
of roll it along?

We got to get our shoes.

Go get your shoes.

Imagine coming all the way
to Oshkosh just to get a date.

Boy, I thought we were hard up.

You know, none of
this would've happened

if we just had one
little drinkie-poo.

But, we did the right thing.

We certainly did.

Well, you can say good-bye
to Oshkosh forever, Laverne.

Well, you never know, we
might be back sometime.

What do you mean?

I put our names on
the bathroom wall.

No! You'll thank me later.

Please, Lenny, no
more Polish songs.

Look, I'm just trying to
get our minds off the heat.

Then do the one we all sing.

Let's wait for the girls, okay?

Gosh, it's hot.

What say we go outside

and try and catch
a little breeze?

Okay.

Just ain't fair, that
chicken in there

is more comfortable than we are.

Oh, boy, hot, hot, hot.

How can you think about

something like
baseball when it's so hot.

Oh, the girls are here.

Could we do that Milwaukee
Moon thing we did the other day?

♪ Milwaukee moon,
creeping cross the sky ♪

♪ I've been such a lonely guy ♪

♪ But I can spend these
moonlit nights with you ♪

♪ Milwaukee moon,
here's a big hello ♪

♪ Take it to a guy I know ♪

♪ And say I'll be there
soon, Milwaukee moon ♪

♪ Violets are blue,
my heart was, too ♪

♪ But not any more ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been
a brand-new man ♪

♪ Since you've shone
through my door ♪

♪ Dooby, dooby, dooby,
dooby, dooby, dooby, wah ♪

♪ Milwaukee moon ♪

♪ When you're on the rise,
I can see my baby's eyes ♪

♪ And he can hear my
tune, Milwaukee moon ♪

Edna, try this.

Here we go.

All right.

♪ Dooby, dooby, dooby,
dooby, dooby, dooby, wah ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom-boom
Milwaukee moon ♪

♪ When you're on the rise,
I can see my baby's eyes ♪

♪ And he can hear my tune ♪

♪ Milwaukee moon. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪