Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne DeFazio
and Shirley Feeney,

report to the break room.

Max Shotz wants to speak to you.

Mr. Shotz?

Mr. Shotz?

I don't like this
one bit, Laverne.

Why would Mr. Shotz want
to talk to us personally, huh?

Maybe 'cause it's our lucky day.

It's not our lucky
day, it's not.

Something's wrong.

I can feel it in my bones.

Something is amiss.

What's amiss?

We haven't done nothing wrong.

Same old gray-blue
mold as usual.

Look at this thing
crawling up the side here.

Look at it.

Oh! What is that, what is that?!

What do you suppose...
oh, that thing is?!

Enough already!

Listen, listen to me.

Think very carefully,
Laverne, think.

Have you been writing our
telephone number on the labels again?

No, I haven't.

Okay, that lets that out.

Except for that one shipment
that went to the Navy base.

How can you do that?
How can you do that?

That's it, we're in
trouble now! That's it.

We're going to have
to change our names,

move to another town.

You don't have to
worry about that, Shirley.

Oh, hi, Mr. Shotz.

Hello.

He didn't even come
down in person?

Shirley, I know
you weren't involved

in that telephone number scheme.

I'm sure it's all
Laverne's fault.

Well, it's not like any of
those sailors called us.

Uh, what did you want to
talk to us about, Mr. Shotz?

I want to talk to
you privately. Oh.

You girls alone?

Now we are, boss.

Okay. I want to talk to you
about the brewery talent show.

Oh, he must have heard...

You must have heard about our big
jungle number that we're going to do, huh?

Oh, you'll love it; it's a
show stopper. It goes...

♪ Abba dabba, dabba,
dabba, dabba, dabba, dabba ♪

Girls, I can't see you. ♪ Said
the chimpy to the monk... ♪

Well, you get the
idea, don't you?

Yes.

Look, I want this year's
talent show to be the best ever.

I'm opening the tryouts
to the entire neighborhood.

And I'm putting
you two in charge.

Oh, my God, we're in charge!

Oh, Mr. Shotz. if I may say so,

those are two very
wise improvements.

How come you picked us two?

I picked you, Shirl,
because you're sweet,

and you get along with others.

Well, all my
teachers did say that.

And, and how come you picked me?

Because, Laverne, this is
one of those rare instances

where a big mouth
comes in handy.

What was that noise?

Oh... it was Laverne's tummy.

Say excuse me.

Excuse me.

Fine. Now then, my son, Max
Junior wants to be in the show.

I trust that's all
right with you?

Yeah, what does he do?

He's my son.

But...

And he does that very well.

I'm... I'm...

sure that we can
find a place for him.

I'm sure you will.

And he'd better be good.

I wouldn't want to
be embarrassed.

Uh, well, suppose
he's not so good?

Are you going to
get mad and yell?

Of course not. What could I do?

The worst I could
do is fire you.

Is that Laverne's stomach again?

No, it was Shirley.

I, I have a terrible gas bubble.

Maybe you should take a Bromo.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, don't worry about
a thing, Mr. Shotz.

Your son's going to look great.

Fine. Now get back to work.

Come on, let's go, Shirl.

We have to audition people
from the neighborhood.

That was wonderful!

That was terrific!

That was marvelous!
Yeah, I love them.

That was so good,
Pop. Boy... Air! Air!

Oh, give him air.

What, what? Air!

Air, air, air.

Look, you don't
have to feel badly

if you can't use us in the show.

I mean, I know you're
choosing people for talent

and not for who they know.

So, just don't worry. Okay.

And don't think for a minute

about the fact that I let you
pay the rent late every month.

No, no.

And remember, if it wasn't
for me, you wouldn't be here.

Maybe you wouldn't
even be Italian.

Well, they were wonderful. Yes.

Absolutely, I say we put them on

right after the Purple Fiends of
Fear Spiritual Choir. Good idea.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Go away!

We're not seeing
any more acts today.

We don't care who
you are or what you do.

Max Shotz Junior.

Come right in, come right in.

Ooh, look at you... all
spiffied up, you look great.

Look how nice.

My father said that I could
come over and audition today.

And right he was.

We were just saying how
anxious we are to see your act.

Yeah, we got you penciled
in right before the finale.

Well, that sounds
great. What do I do?

I thought you had an act.

Are you Laverne?

Yeah.

Well, my father told
me to talk to Shirley

because she's the sweet one.

Gee, what nice hair.

That's very nice hair. Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you
what, Max Junior,

why don't you just
croon a little ditty for us?

I don't know any ditties.

You mean you don't sing at all?

No.

Do you dance? No.

Juggle, play the
spoons, eat fire?

No, no, no.

And you want to be in the show.

Yes.

Well, Max Junior, we've
got a problem here.

You see, how are you
going to be in the show

if you don't have
anything you can do?

Forget it.

I'll just tell my father

that you couldn't find
anything for me to do.

If there's no Max Junior,
then no show. What?

Max! Max, wait a
minute, wait a minute,

we'll find something for...

Hi, Laverne. Hi, Shirley.

We came to audition.

Oh, Chunky, not now,
please. Go away, Chunky, go.

You're gonna love this.

Come on, Ma.

Wait right here,
Ma. I'll be right back.

Okay, okay, okay.

You go after Max Junior and
I'll watch Chunky and his mom.

Thank you! Thank you!
I owe you for this one.

You certainly do.

Uh, okay, okay.

Mom wants to dance.

She's tired of working
in the butcher shop.

Okay, Mom, hit it.

Very good, very good.

Do you know how to do this one?

Thank you, thank you
very much, Mrs. uh...

Bellini. Mrs. Bellini, yes.

That's quite a unique
act you have there.

I must say, we'll call you.

Here's your broom back,
and don't forget your change.

Well, some of the other
acts weren't bad, huh?

That's true.

I'm telling you, Laverne,

we could be star-makers.

Why, we could discover
the next Everly Brothers.

Hello.

Thank you.

Girls, we are here to perform
for your entertainment pleasure,

and hopefully, your approval.

Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho.

You're supposed to put
Max Junior in your act.

You promised. Where is he?

Max? Come on out
here, buddy, yeah.

Show time, show time.

Do you like the way
we dressed him?

Isn't that nice?

Sit down there, very
good. Very good.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I want you to sit down. relax,
dance to the rhythmnous music

of Lenny and the Squigtones.

I'm Lenny. And
I'm the Squigtone.

And that's Max.

This song is called
"Night After Night,"

and it's about two
nights in a row.

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ I held you in my arms ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ I sampled all your charms ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ La-ay-ately I can tell ♪

♪ You're marching
to a wedding bell ♪

♪ I only wanna do what's right ♪

♪ But who wants to look at the
same broad night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪
♪ Night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ Night after night, I
treat you like a queen ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ 'Cause you were 17 ♪

♪ Night after night, wa-hoo ♪

♪ But then your
birthday rolled around ♪

♪ And so you let me go to town ♪

♪ Now I've lost my appetite ♪

♪ Even true love can be
boring night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪
♪ Night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ We have nothing
in common, girl ♪

♪ You know that's a fact ♪

♪ Ooh-ma, ooh-ma,
ooh, da-da-da, da, da ♪

♪ To marry you, girl,
I'd have to be cracked ♪

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ooh-ah ♪
♪ Ooh-ma, ooh-ma, ooh-ma ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ I'll think of you and smile ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ But only for a while ♪

♪ Night after night, wah-ooh ♪

♪ Then I'll find me
someone new ♪

♪ Who won't be
someone dumb like you ♪

♪ Someone who won't
know how to fight ♪

♪ And won't make me sleep
on the sofa night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪
♪ Night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ Night after night. ♪

Very nice, very nice.

What do you think you're doing?!

Max didn't do
anything but turn pages!

I'm telling you, that kid is
the regular jerk of the century.

Yeah. We tried him
out on tambourine.

We tried him on sweet potato.

He can't hack it.

Yeah, we-we tried
him on the saxophone,

the... the xylophone,
even the telephone.

Forget it.

This kid is not
Squigtone material.

Yeah, he's so dumb,
I don't know how

he even got to
be the boss's son.

Connections. Connections.

Connections. I know.

And I don't know
how you know it.

Now! Now what are
we going to do, huh?

Well, uh, maybe we should
just let him turn pages.

At least he was in an act.

Think that would be good enough?

Not good enough.

Junior look like a fool.

Well, he... Well, to
tell you the truth...

No Junior, no show.

And if there's no show, your
jobs could be in jeopardy.

Well, wait... Ah,
let me handle this.

I think he likes me better.

The sweet one's
gonna talk to you.

Uh, Mr. Shotz, Laverne and I

have tried everything
humanly possible

to fit Max Junior into the show,

but we keep running
into one tiny, little problem.

Well, tell me what it
is. Maybe I can help.

Well, sir... just
between you and me

and the lamppost, Max
Junior has no talent.

What do you know about
talent or anything else?

You're just a couple of $1.35-
an-hour bottle-capping bimbos!

Just hold it right there.

We may only make $1.35 an hour,

but at least we've got the guts

to insult someone
to their faces, Shorty.

You're looking for
trouble, DeFazio.

Yeah... No, no, she's not, sir,

but respectfully speaking,

I must say that just
because we work for you

doesn't give you the
right to call us names.

Yes, it does, I
could fire you both.

Oh, well... But
you wouldn't fire us,

because we happen to be

the best $1.35 bottle
cappers you've got!

Yeah, so stick that in
your vats and brew it!

Ladies... you're fired.

Hold it, girls.

What do you want?

Look, girls, you're not fired.

I apologize. I know I'm not
a warm person sometimes.

Oh, you're not so bad.

Leave him alone. He knows
what's he talking about.

I'm sorry I got
crazy, but this show

is the first thing Max Junior
has ever been excited about.

Girls, I need your help.

Find something for Max
Junior to do in the show.

Please.

Well, to tell you the truth,
everything we've tried,

he doesn't seem
to be very good at.

Maybe you could tell us
something he's good at.

All he ever did was
collect stamps...

play with his frog...
and ruin the floors.

Oh. Couldn't housebreak
those frogs, huh?

No, he used to
roller-skate a lot.

Nah, that's not much of an act.

We'll make it an act!

Ladies... thank you.

Who's "we"?

Trust me, Laverne, trust me.

Don't worry, Mr. Shotz!
Your kid's gonna be

in the show, and he'll be great.

Come on, let's
go find Max Junior.

Come on. Wait a minute, I think

this is a good time
to ask him for a raise.

No, it isn't.

I took a shot at
it, though, didn't I?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Our next performer
is a neighborhood guy

you all know and love.

No, Mr. Shotz,
it's not your son.

He comes later.

Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa!

♪ Forget your troubles,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ You'd better chase
all your cares away ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ Get ready for
the Judgment Day ♪

♪ The sun is shining,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ The Lord is waiting
to take your hand ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ We're going to
the Promised Land ♪

♪ We're heading
'cross the river ♪

♪ Wash your sins
away in the tide ♪

♪ But it's, oh, so peaceful
on the other side ♪

♪ Forget your troubles,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ You'd better chase
all your cares away ♪

♪ Shout Hallelujah,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ Get ready for the
Judgement Day ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Forget your troubles,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ You'd better chase
all your cares away ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah,
come on, get happy ♪

♪ Get ready... ♪

♪ For the Judgement Day. ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ I treat you like a queen ♪

♪ Darling, night
after night... ♪

Well, this is it, Laverne.

The big time.

You nervous?

Nah, we know this
number by heart.

We've been
practicing it for weeks.

We certainly have.

The same old number, only

now we're on wheels.

♪ Even true love can be
boring night after night ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ Night after night... ♪

♪ Night after night... ♪

Are you scared?

Not a bit. Me neither.

Come on girls, get ready.

We're on in a minute.

♪ Ooh-ma, ooh-ma, ooh-ma... ♪

Help me. Help me. Hold on.

And now, for the moment
you all have been waiting for.

Laverne and Shirley...
and the boss's kid.

♪ "Aba daba, daba daba ♪

♪ Daba daba, dab" ♪

♪ Said the chimpie to the monk ♪

♪ "Aba daba, daba
daba, daba daba dab" ♪

♪ Said the monkey to the chimp ♪

♪ All night long
they'd chatter away ♪

♪ All day long they
were happy and gay ♪

♪ Swinging and singing ♪

♪ In a honky tonky way ♪

♪ "Aba daba, daba
daba, daba daba dab," ♪

♪ Means, "Monk,
I love but you" ♪

♪ "Aba daba dab"
in monkey talk ♪

♪ Means, "Chimp
I love you, too" ♪

♪ Said the big baboon
one night in June ♪

♪ He married them
and very soon ♪

♪ They went upon their
aba daba honeymoon," ♪

♪ ♪

Whoaaaa!

Oh! Oh! Oh, my dear!

Outta my way!

♪ So the big baboon
one night in June ♪

♪ He married them,
and very soon ♪

♪ They went upon their
aba daba honeymoon. ♪

Maybe we shouldn't
go to the party,

I'm so sore.

Are you kidding me?

We're stars!

They expect us.

We can't disappoint our public.

We have to make an entrance.

With grace, charm and dignity.

Grace... charm... dignity.

That's right. Grace...
charm... Ohhh...

Dignity.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪