Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Slow Child - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

You're gonna ruin

our St. Patrick's Day party
with your strange friends.

The Purple Fiends
are not strange.

Jake the Snake is a sweetheart.

Let's just get home and
start decorating, okay?

Okay.

Hand me a balloon, Laverne.

Why is it so cold in here?

Isn't Mrs. Babish
sending down any heat?

I was waiting for
you to get home

so we could go down
and talk to her about that.

You're so good at it.

Uh, I don't think
we should give her

a hard time right now.

Her daughter Amy is
visiting this weekend.

Oh, Amy...

Yeah, the, uh...
The retarded girl.

Remember that time
we met her on the stoop?

Yeah. Uh, she
doesn't get to leave

that special school that much.

It's rough, boy. 18 years old

and she can only be
in the eighth grade.

They're probably
studying or something,

so we better leave 'em alone.

Okay. All right.

I'll just have to figure
out some other way

to keep people
warm during the party.

Let me see, blankets, blankets.

Oh, I like blankets.

Then we can all get under them.

Hello, girls.

Hi, Mrs. Babish.

This is my daughter Amy.

Oh, hi, Amy.

Remember, we met
you once on the steps?

Hi. Say hello, Amy.

Amy is a little shy.

Listen, would you girls
mind watching her for me

for just a little while?

Uh, no. Sure, we'd be glad to.

I have to pay the coal bill.

Oh, hallelujah, I
was wondering...

Why we were freezing to death.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I gave your father
the bill to mail.

He thinks he gave it to
a customer for a napkin.

My pop is such a
du... uh, daddy, daddy.

Why don't you, why
don't you come on in

and make yourselves comfortable?

Come on, Amy.

You're going to spend a
little time with the girls now.

Come and sit right down here.

Now, have you got
your handkerchief?

Mommy'll be back in
just a little while, okay?

Now, here, look at
your picture book.

Bye-bye, dear.

Thanks, girls.

Uh, I'm sure she'll
be just fine with you.

Are there any
special instructions?

No.

Uh, anything we should remember?

Well, one thing you
should remember...

Never give your father
something to mail.

So, Amy, how are you doing?

You have a nice
trip down on the bus?

Did you scratch your name
on the back of the seats?

What is that?

I'm trying to cheer her up.

With vandalism?

Have you got a better idea?

I certainly do, yes.

Guess what, Amy?

We're having a St. Patrick's
Day party and you're invited.

Maybe you don't
have an outfit to wear.

You can borrow
one of mine, though.

We look like we're
about the same size,

and I am a perfect five.

Um, we'll start with
a scarf for color.

I'll get you a scarf.

A perfect five. Hah!

Maybe her hat's a five.

Here we go, here we go.

We got two colors of
blue. There's a long one.

Here's a long one.
It's a lighter color.

And there's the short one.

And then there's a green

in case you want to wear it

for St. Paddy's Day.

An orange, red...
That one's mine.

That's Laverne's.
Lavender, and a pretty pink.

Well, you just make
yourself at home

and I'm going to finish putting
up the decorations, okay?

Yeah, you just sit there, kid.

Your mommy will be
back in a few minutes,

and here, why don't
you just read your book,

The Pokey Little Puppy?

I remember that. It's
got a good ending.

I like the pink one.

What? Excuse me?

Yeah, I like the pink one.

She likes the pink one!
She likes the pink one!

Would you look at you!

Boy, are you going
to knock 'em dead

at that party tonight.

But you better not steal
Jake the Snake away from me.

Uh-uh.

Good, 'cause he
is the best kisser

I ever puckered up for.

You know, not
too wet, not too dry,

not too soft.

Sounds like you're
describing a cheap wine.

She doesn't care about kissing.

Oh, I do.

Really?

All right!

How many guys have you kissed?

Who was it?

My father.

My father... Uh,
that don't count.

Uh, why don't you
sit yourself down

and let me teach
you the good life?

Yes, and when Laverne is through
explaining the basic crudities,

I will help refine
your technique.

The first thing you got
to remember is to relax,

so you don't kiss.. Like
some people I know.

Now relax your mouth,
relax your mouth.

Relax lips.

Relax, relax, relax,

but don't let it get too mushy.

Not mushy. Yeah.

Now take your arm
and then say "whisper."

Whisper.

Whis... per.

Not bad, a little mushy, though.

Oh, forget about that.

That's the primitive part.

That's the easy part.

The art of kissing
is to know which way

to tilt your head so that
you don't smash noses.

And start bleeding,
you know, blood?

Yeah, if you start bleeding,

it can ruin a beautiful moment.

Uh, I know, for
demonstration purposes,

I will get my picture of Fabian.

Ooh, Fabian!

Oh, you like Fabian?

Ah, stupid question.
We all like Fabian.

This is one of many

of my very own personally
autographed pictures of Fabe.

Okay! All right, all right!

Now, if Fabian tilts
his head to the right...

Then you tilt your
head to the right.

Then you... I'm in
charge of tilting, okay?

All right?

Then you tilt... Oh,
you're already there.

Okay, now, relax. Not too mushy.

Say "whisper"
and lay one on him.

Whisper...

You did it! Amy,
you did it! You did it!

Listen, you can
keep this picture

to practice on, okay?

Got your party here.

What are you so excited for?

I didn't drop nothing.

Did you, did you
get my potato chips?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the
chips were on special

on account of they got
run over by a beer truck...

mine.

Oh, right in my hors d'oeuvres!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't break anything else, okay?

Hi.

Oh, uh, Lenny,
this is Amy. Amy...

How are you doing?
I'm Lenny Kosnowski.

Pleased to meet you.

Hey, you know, I'd
be glad to hang around

and help all you girls
get these decorations up.

No, no, no, no...

Uh, uh, I know what
you can do to help us out.

What?

You could go outside
and sit on the stoop.

All alone out there?

Nothing but the cold
concrete for company?

Want to come with me?

Look at these hats.

Maybe we can un-crush
a couple of them.

Can I go, too?

Think so? Yeah, sure.

Sure, go on.

But stay near by.

Oh, and Amy, Amy,
don't forget your sweater,

don't forget your sweater.

And wait there for Mrs. Babish.

What for?

She's Amy's mother.

And a wonderful
human being, you know.

Oh, Laverne, Laverne? Hmm?

You don't think that we
should have told Lenny

that Amy's retarded, do you?

Nah, she's doing fine.

Yeah, you're right.

Look at this.

Lenny really did get
a bargain on these.

Four cents a bag.

And now I'm going to
show you something

for the real advanced
practitioner, okay?

It's called the double fold-o,

backward flippo.
Watch carefully.

Now, when you do it right,

you get the sauce up
your nose and everything.

Lenny? Yeah?

You know, if you dip
them in the red stuff first

they stick to the ceiling.

That's all my work up there.

Amy, look, I'm
having a great time,

but I'm doing all the
talking, you know?

I'm getting a little tired.

You got to help me out, okay?

You gotta say something.

Well, you don't gotta, gotta.

I mean, uh, you're
a good listener, too.

And I know I'm not
always that easy to follow.

I mean, my mind
rambles a little.

Ready for another one, huh?

Oh, sure.

You're sure your mother
knows where you are?

You know, I've been calling
Edna for the past half hour,

and I can't get her.

She's not home.
Can you explain that?

No.

She's paying the coal bill.

I'm having a good
time, Uncle Frank.

I'm glad, I'm glad.

You're a big girl, you
should have a good time.

You lay one finger on
her, I'll break your back.

It's a deal.

All right, I'm going to clear
an alley for the two of you.

Thank you,
Mr. DeFazio. Thank you.

Boy. Hey, maybe you're
familiar with bowling,

the sport of kings?

Hey, Lenny!

Hey, say hello to Amy.

Hi, pleased to meet you.

How do you do, how do
you do, how do you do?

Listen, uh, can I
talk to you in private?

Oh, yeah, sure. Excuse us.

He's probably got
a great dirty joke

he wants to share with me. Yeah?

What's wrong with you, huh?

What's wrong with you?

Why did you leave
the stoop with her?

We got hungry.

You got hungry, huh?

Mrs. Babish comes
home, she can't find Amy,

she has a conniption fit

and they're all
out looking for you:

Babish, Shirley, Laverne,
the whole lynch mob.

I've left the stoop
a million times,

nobody got mad before.

Yeah, but you never
left it before with Amy.

I'm telling you,
Lenny, ditch her.

What are you talking about?

I can't tell you here.

Well, tell me later, then,
'cause I'd like to get back.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You don't know what I mean.

She's not a, she's not a...

a-a regular girl.

Boy, you're telling me.

She is really something else.

No, that ain't what I mean!

Well, whadda ya
mean? Spit it out!

She's a retarded dummy!

Amy... Forget...

You know who the
dummy is?! You are!

Hello?

Laverne?

Shirl?

Mrs. Babish?

No. Nobody's here.

Oh. Here's a note for you.

Well, I guess they got all
the decorations up, huh?

Not bad. A little
heavy on the green.

I guess that's part
of the fun, huh?

Listen, maybe you
oughta wait here

for your old lady
to come back, huh?

What's the matter?

What's it say in the note?

Okay, you don't got to show me.

It says Amy on there.
It don't say Lenny.

Look, you're not still upset

over what Squiggy said, are you?

Look, he don't know nothing.

He don't, don't mean nothing.

He's right. I am a dummy.

Don't say that!

Uh, uh... I been around
dummies all my life.

Well, I go to a special school.

Yeah, well I went to
special classes, too.

Yeah, I took remedial reading.

Did you ever take that one?

Boy, I was so hot there,
they kept asking me back.

You're just being nice.

No, I'm not.

Come here. No.

Come here a second.

I just want you to wear this.

You look a little cold.

That doesn't look too bad.

I never let anybody wear
that before, you know.

Okay?

"Amy, lock yourself in the..."

What's that word?

Bed... room.

Oh, yeah.

Your mother makes funny "B's."

"Tell Lenny he should go.

Don't let him touch you."

Your mother thinks
I'm gonna hurt you.

But I don't.

Was that too mushy?

No, that was great.

I liked the part where
you said "whisper".

Uh... maybe you ought
to do like they said

and lock yourself
in the bedroom.

Come on. No, no, this way.

If they want to find you,
they know where to look.

Okay? Just go on in there,

lock the door, and I'll see
you later on at the party. Okay?

Okay. Okay, you do that for me.

Go on in there.

"Whisper."

You shoved me in public.

You never done
that to me before.

Well, maybe you never
had it coming before.

What are you talking?

Well, maybe Amy's just a little

special, okay? Well,
maybe Amy's just

a little special,
huh? What about me,

I ain't special? I only been

your best friend for life.

I know that, but
you got a big mouth.

You know, you got a big
mouth. You don't watch it.

You just gotta watch
what you're doing.

I'm trying to watch
what I'm doing.

I don't understand
what... I don't understand...

Stupid! Stupid!

Amy!

Where'd they go?

I said stay put.

Amy! Momma!

Oh, Amy!

Oh, thank...

Amy, you scared
the life out of me!

See, everything's all right.

Are you sure you're
all right, baby?

Uh-huh.

Oh...

I kissed him.

Good for you! Oh, you did!

Oh, and he gave
you... Congratulations!

That's, that's great.

What do you mean,
congratulations?

What else did he do to
you, baby, now tell me.

Oh, no, Lenny don't
make you do nothing.

And if you want him
to leave you alone,

all you have to do
is say, "Lenny, no."

You don't understand.

Amy doesn't understand
about saying no.

Now, tell Momma, you poor baby.

Now tell Momma what
else Lenny did to you.

Stop it! Momma, I'm not a baby.

Oh!

Amy, wait!

I never should have
trusted you girls!

Maybe we should
cancel the party.

Naw...

Okay, I got a song
that'll cheer you up.

It's beautiful,

but it's not gonna do the trick.

If that's one of your
friends, the Purple Fiends,

tell them they can
take this piano back

to whoever they stole it from.

Let's call up and
cancel the party.

The Purple Fiends do not steal.

They just convince
people to lend them things.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Babish.

I can only stay a minute.

I've got to get back to Amy.

How is she?

She's all right.

Oh, good, then
everything's okay.

Everything is not okay.

Anything could have happened

when you left her
alone with Lenny.

We were just lucky.

I'm taking her back
to school tomorrow.

She said you
promised her something

to take back with her...

Oh, yeah, that picture.

I got it. It's right here.

There you go.

A picture of Fabian?

Yeah, she's crazy about him.

I didn't know she even
knew who Fabian was.

How did you find out?

We just asked her.

She likes Fabian.

Oh, yeah, she
likes a lot of things.

Music.

And pretty clothes.

Kissing...

I, I know, may-maybe we

should have asked you first,

and maybe it was
wrong, but, uh...

we did teach Amy how to kiss.

I don't know.

You mean you just asked her,

and she told you
all these things?

I don't know. I've
always been so worried

that she'd never be old enough

for things like that...
Mentally, I mean.

Now, physically, she's
become a woman and I...

I guess I just
never talked to her

about life and growing up
like she was a regular girl.

I-I was just afraid that if
I... treated her too regular

then she could get hurt.

But if I treat her
too special, then...

she'll never have
a chance to grow.

That's a hard line to walk.

Oh, Mrs. Babish, we
didn't do so hot either.

I mean, we did leave her alone

with Lenny, you know.

Yeah, that's right, and
if anybody feels bad,

then we're the ones to blame.

Oh, forget blame.

I think maybe you
did the right thing.

That school's been telling
me that she's grown up.

They even said that next
year she'll be ready to get a job.

I find that hard to believe,
but I guess it's true.

Well, she's a real sweet girl.

Yeah, we really like her.

Oh, thank you, girls.

You taught Amy something.

But I think you taught
me something, too.

Here we go!

Whoo! You do a pretty
mean Irish jig for an Italian.

Thank you.

Listen, uh, Laverne,

you think Amy's
gonna show up or not?

Well, maybe not, Len.

Okay. I think maybe I'll drift
back up to my apartment then.

Aren't you going to stick
around for the shenanigans?

No, I think I had enough
Irish food for one day.

Hi, there.

Hello, lads and lasses.

I have come to kiss
your baloney stone.

You look sensational.

Yeah. Yeah I would have

gotten you one,
but they didn't have

a leprechaun suit in a 42 husky.

Mm, okay.

Hi, Squiggy, huh?

Squiggy, do you know
the Purple Fiends?

Know them? They
beat me up three times.

I'll tell you what.

I've got the perfect song

for a nice Irish girl like you.

Elmo? Would you step over here?

♪ Oh, Danny Boy, the
pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen and
down the mountainside ♪

♪ The summer's gone
and all the roses falling ♪

♪ It's you, it's you must
go and I must bide ♪

♪ But come ye back when
summer's in the meadow ♪

♪ Or when the valley's
hushed and white with snow ♪

♪ It's I'll be there in
sunshine or in shadow ♪

♪ Oh, Danny Boy, oh,
Danny boy I love you so... ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪