Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Horse Show - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Well, that was the living
room and the kitchen.

Um, now this is the bedroom.

Uh, this is where I sleep, and
that's where Laverne sleeps.

She rarely makes her bed,

but it's just something we're
going to have to live with.

Now, Buttercup, you can bed down

any place you'd be
most comfortable.

Over there by
the dresser is nice,

or right here in between the
beds with us would be good.

Gee, Buttercup, I've
known you most of my life

and this is the first night
you've ever slept over.

Hey, Shirl?

Holy moly, it's Laverne!

Where are you?

Coming!

I'm going to tell
her that you're here,

and won't she be surprised.

I've been waiting an hour
in front of the cleaners

holding all these heavy
clothes, most of which are yours.

I'm so sorry. I can
explain everything. Here.

Let me get that. Let me get it.

I felt like such a
jerk standing there.

Some lady thought
I was a peddler

and tried to buy an outfit.

Oh, oh, my
goodness, you slay me.

What a wit. What a wit.

I must write some
of these lines down

and send them in
to Reader's Digest.

Yeah, you'll probably
make a buck, huh?

I'm sure I would.

Here, put those
down. Come with me.

I want to show you what
I've made you for lunch.

Okay.

Your very favorite dish
in the whole wide world.

Chicken a la King.

Oh, I love that.
Oh, I know you do.

What was that?

That was Lenny

doing one of his
barnyard impressions.

Oh. Good one, Len.

If you'll notice...

That wasn't Lenny.
Now, Laverne...

No, it came from
in there somewhere.

Laverne, please wait just
a second, just one minute.

Let me have one word with you

before you go in there...

Buttercup's in the bedroom.

Buttercup. I know.

You do? Yeah, I do.

Oh. Oh... Swayback? I know.

Oh, and sweet little ears,
the sweetest little ears...

You told me...

I had to tell you about Lenny.

I'm glad you like him, Laverne,

'cause he's going
to be staying with us

for a couple of weeks.

Notice I put little
peas in here,

just the way you like... Eeee!

Shh.

Do you want to explain
to me why Mr. Pioli's horse

is going to be living with us

instead of pulling
the fruit truck, huh?

Because he... You talk regular!

Because he got too old to work.

And Mr. Pioli was
going to have him killed.

I had no choice,
Laverne. I had to think fast.

I had to find that
horse a place to stay.

Good, now I hope you
can find us a place to stay.

Mrs. Babish is going
to kick us right out

of this apartment
building. No, she's not

because when I was sneaking
Buttercup into the building,

Mrs. Babish saw us somehow.

Somehow?

Yes, and so, I
screamed, and I kicked,

and I held my breath,

until finally she said
that Buttercup could stay.

Oh... Come on,
Laverne. Don't worry.

It's just going
to be for a while,

just until I find him a good
home, really. No, no, no, no.

See, I know you.

You get crazy with animals.

You'll get attached
to that thing

and he'll be living with
us for the rest of our lives.

You're going to be
up there in two weeks

painting his name
on our mailbox.

Now, look, I got nothing
against that horsey,

but he just can't stay here.

I mean, you understand, right?

You're a big girl
now, not a baby.

All right, go ahead, all right.

Oh, look at the
feet. Look at her kick.

Kick them up. Kick them up.

You can kick all you
want, but he's still got to go.

Oh, good, holding your breath.

It won't work.

You turn blue and
pass out before you die.

Boy, are you acting like a baby.

Okay, well, two can
play the same game.

The horse has to go.

Truce?

We won!

Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.

We need your advice.

Yeah. How do you get
pudding off the ceiling?

Did you hear that?

Say no.

No. Oh.

Did you hear that either?

That time I heard it, yeah.

No, no, no, boys, boys.

Stay out of here, girls!

There's a wild beast
in your bedroom!

He really don't look that wild.

Don't be fooled by
animal cunning, Len.

All right, approach
him with caution.

Approach with caution.

That's it.

Okay now,

now feed him your
hand and see if he eats it.

I don't know if he wants it.

Come on. Come on.

Okay, good, get it...

All right now, uh... introduce
yourself, introduce yourself.

Oh, okay.

Uh, hi, horse.

Uh, my, my name is
Leonard Kosnowski.

Tell him you're a Teamster.

I'm a Teamster,

and, uh... I don't eat
people. How about you?

Don't hurt him.

Don't hurt him, and don't
get grease all over him, okay?

Us get grease on him?

Are you kidding? If you ask
me, that horse belongs in a zoo.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, you see?

Even Squiggy thinks
it's a dumb idea.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This horse is not
going to be here forever.

He's just going to stay here
until I find him a good home.

He ain't going to do
much better than this.

Okay, hold on, okay?

See, this is my bedroom.

Ohh...

I'm going into the bathroom,
and when I come out,

I don't want to see anything
here that ain't human, okay?

Make that a double order.

Squiggy? No.

Squiggy, come here a
minute. I don't want to.

Come here. I want you to
make friends with the horse.

Squiggy's a-scared
of live animals.

Want me to tell them
what you're scared of?

Boys, please, please.

Squiggy, give me your hand. I want
you to touch the horse. I don't want to.

I want you to feel
how soft he is.

Feel how soft. Oh,
I could live with that.

Feel the horsey.

Feel how soft he is.

Go on. Go on. Isn't he sweet?

Boys, do you want
to help old Buttercup?

Yes, please.

Then would you run out
and get him some oats to eat?

I think we got some
Cheerios up at the house.

They're fortified.

Hmm, that would be
good for him. Let's go.

No, no, leave the horse.

Can't we ride him up
to the second floor?

Just get the Cheerios.

Just get the Cheerios.
Leave the horse.

Same old story.

Laverne?

I've decided that
Buttercup has to leave.

I knew you would
come to your senses.

It doesn't seem like
anybody else wants him,

so you know
where he's got to go.

Sure, where they
put all old horses,

out to pasture or something.

That's not what they
do with old horses.

No?

They turn them into...

Glue? Shh!

They end up on the
backs of envelopes.

Nah.

Yes, sir, they end up
on the flaps of gas bills.

Oh, get out of here.

Where do you think
glue comes from?

The five-and-dime.

Well, where do they get it?

The factory.

And where do they get it?

They make it.

From what?

That's right.

That's right, Laverne.

His mother was probably
part of this morning's mail.

Yes.

It's true. It's true.

Oh, thank you, Laverne.
I knew you'd say yes.

Thank you so much, and he'll
only be here a couple of weeks.

I'm going to go call Carmine now

and get him looking for
a place for him to stay.

She's tricky, huh?

Oh, you big lug, I wouldn't
let nothing bad happen to you.

It's just that she gets a little
crazy with animals, you know?

Whew. Did you
bring a toothbrush?

Nah. Never mind.
We'll use Shirl's.

What a good boy.

Yeah, well, yes,
thank you anyway.

Good-bye.

Would you believe they
want 80 bucks a month

to board Buttercup?

80 bucks?

I should rent my
apartments to horses.

Ooh, maybe it's someone
who saw one of our signs.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Remember.

We do not give that horse

to anybody who does
not have a kind face.

Right.

Max Gruber, Board of Health.

Where's the landlady?

Uh, right here. What
can I do for you?

We've got a complaint about
a horse in this apartment.

That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.

Yeah, and we're raising
elephants up on the roof.

Now wait a minute.

I know the law,

and you can't go into my
bedroom without a search warrant.

Now I want you to remove
that horse from this apartment.

And I mean now.

I'm going to hit that
guy with a shovel.

Let me take care of this.

All right, Gruber,
now hear this!

This is my apartment building

and what happens here is
my business, you got that?

Not according to my code book.

Listen... if I say that
horse stays, he stays.

Now put that in your code
book and smoke it, sucker!

You have 24 hours to
dispose of that horse!

If you don't, we will.

Look, Laverne, when Gruber
comes, we'll just outrun him.

Right.

SHIRLEY: Attaboy.

Attaboy. This way.

Attaboy.

That's it. That's it.

Boy, he's like
lightning, isn't he?

I think he's had
enough. Okay, go.

Oh.

Okay, there you go.

There we go. That's a boy.

What a good guy. That's my guy.

That's him, yes. Whoo, whoo!

Stinko... stinko.

Whoo.

Give me that. Give me that.

You want to insult him?

He's our houseguest.

Well... not many houseguests
make messes on the floor.

Lenny? Once.

He was eating. The
food fell out of his mouth.

Guess what? What?

Guess what he gets
before he goes to bed?

A story?

No, he gets a vitamin pill.

Mr. Pioli gave them to me.

They're over here.

Okay, boy, let's go to bed.

Back up, boy.

These are really
healthy for him.

See, Mr. Pioli gave them to me

and they're, they're
really good stuff.

Whoo, look at the size of these.

Okay, boy, here you go.

No, no!

He doesn't take them like that.

Don't you understand?
Use this thing.

You put the pill in here.
Oh, let me do that part.

I was always great
at shooting spitballs.

Huh, remember how much
fun we used to have, huh?

Why would I think that was fun?

I was always the target.

All right, I'll get his
mouth open and...

Okay.

Kootchy... kootchy, baby.

Kootchy, kootchy.

Kootchy, kootchy.
Okay, one, two, three.

Ow!

Ow!

Gosh!

Oh, my golly gosh.

Gosh almighty, gosh.

Oops.

Oops?

I'm standing here with
horse slobber on my hands

and all you can say is "oops"?

Try it again.

Okay, just give
me another chance.

Be gentle with him, too...

Just like riding a
bicycle. I know I can do it.

Come on, come on,
Buttercup. On three.

Come on, that a
boy. One, two, three.

Go, okay.

You shot down Fabian.

Sorry, Fabe. Give
me another pill.

I know I can do
it. This time I think

you should get a little closer.

Okay, well you're not
getting his teeth open enough.

I'll get his teeth open enough.

Okay, okay. Just aim down
his throat and be gentle with him.

On three. All right.

One... two... three.

There we go.

Okay, that's a boy.

There we go. There we go.

Good boy.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Did it go down? Did it go down?

Did it go down easy?

Huh?

Good. You feel better?

Do you?

Oh, good, good.

Look, he feels better. What?

You swallowed his pill?

Why would you do that?

You have vitamin
pills of your own.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Coming, coming.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What if it's that creep Gruber

coming to take Buttercup away?

Get away from here,

you merciless mistreater
of helpless animals!

What are you talking
about? I love animals.

Carmine, why didn't
you knock your knock?

I've been pounding
for five minutes.

My knuckles are starting
to swell. Look at that.

Please, please
come here, please.

Just tell me that you
found a place for Buttercup.

Time's running out.

Don't worry. I got him a
job at Mungo's pony rides.

Oh, that's great.

Thank you, Carmine.
Thank you so much.

You saved his life.

Don't I always come
through for you two?

Well, there was that
one Saturday night

when I needed a date.

Some things are just impossible.

All right, where's
the little creature?

Is it okay if I get him?

He's in the bedroom.

What a guy.

What a guy.

I'm going to have to do
something extra special

to make this up to him.

Want me to leave
you alone for a while?

No, I was thinking
more along the lines

of a tasteful "thank you" note.

Yeah, he'll love that.

No, that's not going to work.

That's Mr. Pioli's horse.

Yeah. You told me
it was a little pony.

Well, he is a little pony to us.

But you've seen the
ponies Mungo uses.

They're cute, and
built to carry little kids.

So? Buttercup is big.
He'll carry the fat kids.

Look, if I take that
horse to Mungo,

he's going to sell us
both to the glue factory.

Oh, Carmine, Carmine,

you got to think of
something, please.

Gruber's going to
be here any minute.

Carmine, please.

Look, you know what you need?

You need some chump
the that has the time

to drive all over
the countryside

check into every
two-bit ranch, farm,

that's willing to bust his back

trying to get rid of
that horse for you.

But I don't know where
you're going to find a guy

that's got that
kind of time to kill.

Laverne, will you excuse us?

Have a nice trip, Carmine.

What does that
mean, "Have a nice...?"

Oh, no, no, no, not... no.

Read my lips: no. No.

Now, I'm not... yeah.

Sure, you're going
to hug and kiss me

and expect me to drive all
over the state of Wisconsin.

No way, no.

I'll go see if I've
got enough gas.

Laverne, you can come out now.

Carmine is looking for a farm.

What did you have
time to do to him?

Nothing.

Some guys are just
natural gentlemen.

Howdy doodies.

Your horse troubles are over.

We found a job for
Bucking Buttercup,

the meanest bronco
west of Lake Michigan.

That's right, partners.

We are going to take that
gorgeous hunk of horseflesh

hanging around in your bedroom
and join him up to the rodeo. Yep.

Come on, guys.
You've seen Buttercup.

He don't buck.

Oh, yeah. Mm...

But whose hat
do you like better?

Mine got industrial
diamonds on it.

Mine came with the chaps.

It makes... it's shimmery.

Get out. Get out.

We're in trouble, Shirl.

Mrs. Babish told my
father about the horse.

He's an understanding
man. He'll understand.

Right.

Hey, you horse!

Out of here!

Come on, out!

Don't let him talk
to him like that.

He talks to everyone like that.

Hi-ho, Silver.

Vamoose!

How do you like that?

Oh, look! Oh, look at that.

Look at the way
he's looking at you.

Why, he only looks at
people he really likes like that.

Well, what's not to like?

But he's got to go, no
matter what you say.

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Okay, you want to say good-bye?

Say good-bye.

Laverne, do
something. Talk to him.

Do something. Do something.

Aw, you're right,
Pop. What's the use?

That guy Gruber's going
to be here any minute

to take poor Buttercup to
the glue factory anyway.

Yeah, who cares
if this poor horse

had to start work
at a very young age?

Yeah, I remember Buttercup,

watching him carry those
heavy loads up and down hills

in all kinds of weather.

Just like you had to
carry that heavy bag

when you were a
mailman, right, Pop?

Yeah, five years I did that.

Some days I could
see that he was sick,

but he still went
to work anyway.

Just like you had
to do, right, Pop?

Yeah, we were a
couple of workhorses.

Now that he's old
and ready to retire,

they want to send
him to the glue factory.

You're going to retire
soon, aren't you, Pop?

Nobody touches Buttercup!

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Does that mean he can stay here?

Naw, that guy's coming.

But he can hang around
down by the Pizza Bowl.

Oh, thanks, thanks. It will
only be for a couple of weeks.

Just until Carmine finds
him a farm to stay on.

All right, all right, all right.

Oh, Laverne, this is perfect.

Carmine just really outdid
himself this time, didn't he?

Yeah.

Oh, Buttercup, this
place is wonderful.

You're going to have
a great time here.

Yeah, there's lots of fresh air,

lots of grass, lots of cowboys.

I wish I was staying here.

Me, too.

Oh, I know.

Good-bye, Buttercup.

You're such a good boy.

Aren't you going to say
good-bye to Buttercup?

I'd like to talk to him alone.

Oh, don't worry.

Don't worry. Take
all the time you want.

Lenny and Squiggy are
going to be busy all afternoon

playing with that
milking machine.

I'll wait outside.

Gee...

it's not going to be easy
to say good-bye, Buttercup.

I mean, we've been friends

since we were both
little kids together.

Remember that time my
daddy put me up on your back

and took my picture and I cried?

I mean we grew up
together, Buttercup.

You just got older
faster than me. That's all.

Don't you worry, though,
'cause I'll come and visit you

on the holidays and every
weekend that I can't get a date.

Not that I can't get a
date anytime I want.

Good-bye, Buttercup.

I love you.

Don't worry. We
got plenty of time.

Lenny and Squiggy are out there

trying to milk a pig.

I'm so glad Buttercup
found a friend.

Yeah.

I think these two are
the best ones, huh?

Don't ever turn them that way.

Don't ever.

All the luck runs out.

Keep them this way,
always up, always up.

Hey, wait up, will you?

Listen, the way I look at it,

we did them girls
a pretty big favor,

driving their horse up
here in our beer truck.

Uh-huh, and we did
ourselves a bigger favor

by cleaning out
the back afterwards.

By the way, you
did a wonderful job.

Thank you.

Now the way I look at
it, they owe us a favor.

So when they come back in
here, we hide behind something,

and we plop on them in the hay.

Oh, boys...

do you really think
that's fair to the girls?

Well, it was really
Squiggy's idea.

Did you hear that?

Of course I heard it.

I ain't blind.

That is a talking horse.

He speaks two languages.

LAVERNE: Of course we talk.

What do you think we do,

stand around all day,
not saying nothing?

They both talk.

It's Mr. and Mrs. Ed.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪