Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Mortician - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Come on, Edna, try this one.
Da da de da da da...
Loosen up, will you?
One, two...
three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.
Hey!
You can count 'em, too.
We did it!
Hey!
You're pretty good,
how long has it been
since you took a dance lesson?
Oh, almost 25 years.
25 years ago?
Gee, that means you started
dancing when you were about...
A baby.
Now on that last
step, a little heavier.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Shirley. Hi.
Oh, my aching feet,
my aching dogs.
Tough day at work, huh?
Tough day at work?
I had to train Madeline
Krauthammer how to cap bottles.
12 hours on my feet.
12 hours?
You only work eight hours.
I know.
I stood on my feet eight hours
and Madeline stood on
my feet the other four.
You're home early, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, well, I always
get home 30 minutes early
when Laverne
doesn't ride in the car.
She doesn't drive that slow.
We circle Pfister Park and
watch the athletes sweat.
Why didn't Laverne
ride home with you?
Did you have a
fight or something?
No, no, no, no.
It's just, for the
past three days,
Laverne has been
taking the bus home.
Don't tell me, she's
after the driver, right?
No, no, it's not the driver.
It's one of the passengers.
She's dying to go out with him.
So every day for
the past three days,
she gets on the bus,
whether it's full or empty,
and she stands right
in front of this guy,
hanging onto the strap,
hiking her dress up,
if you know what I mean.
Va, va, va, va, voom.
It's only a
demonstration, Carmine.
But I do believe today,
she has gone a step too far.
She's going to follow this guy
all the way home from work.
Hello?
Hello, I'm Stan. May I help you?
Oh, you work here?
My brother and I own the place.
Oh, you work with dead people?
Oh, no, no, no,
no. I work in sales.
My brother works
with dead people.
He has a flair for it.
Oh, so you're just a regular,
normal guy then, huh?
Well, I like to think so.
Don't I know you from someplace?
I'm Laverne.
From the bus?
Oh, yeah.
You have lovely knees.
Thanks.
A couple of scars on
them from when I was a kid,
but you got to
live life, don't you?
Well, it's nice to
finally meet you.
Oh, my lucky bracelet.
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm fine.
I got to get that clasp fixed.
Little cows?
Uh, yeah, it's a souvenir
from the Chicago stockyards.
I didn't know they
had a gift shop.
Yeah, it's right behind where
they slaughter the cows.
You really got to
look for it, though.
I'm sure you do.
Well, what can I do for you?
Uh, you can't.
Nothing now.
So, I guess I better be going.
Uh, see you on the bus.
Well, wait, wait a minute.
I still don't know
why you're here.
Huh?
I mean, you just didn't
follow me off the bus.
No.
I mean, what do I,
what do I look like?
Some cheap, pushy floozy?
No, so... why are you here?
Business.
What are those there?
These are our urns.
Remember, "Ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.
If you're going to be
cremated, an urn is a must."
I like poetry.
You know this one?
"There once was a man
from Nantucket who..."
I'm familiar with it.
Oh, good evening, Mr. O'Malley.
Excuse me for a minute.
They were supposed to fly
his late brother-in-law
in from New York today.
I'll have to check the airport.
I'll check the urns.
Won't you have a seat?
And I'll make
that call right now.
One minute.
Isn't he a nice guy? Huh?
Do you know they stuff a whole
person in one of these things?
I can't figure out
how they do that.
Did you see my... my...
Excuse me, sir... or madam.
They really don't
have enough chairs
in a place like this, you know.
No, no, I'm fine,
I'm comfy right here.
What are you doing?
I've got a dead
person on my arm.
Oh, Laverne.
My bracelet fell in.
I don't know, his
ashes went all over me,
I think I got part
of him in my hair,
but we could scrape him up
and put him back in his little home.
Laverne, there's no
dead person in here,
this model's been discontinued.
We use it as an ash tray.
Oh, an ash tray.
I couldn't figure out why
I felt gum, you know?
Hey, Squig, what's
our next stop?
It's the undertaker.
Oh, boy.
Now, Laverne, I have
a hearse standing by,
if you'll just tell me where
we can pick up the remains.
Oh, you can't.
Nobody's dead.
Then why did you come here?
For the funeral.
But you said nobody's dead?
Yet. Nobody's dead yet.
But it's happening real soon.
Oh, I admire you for
planning in advance.
Now, when do I get
to find out who's dying?
Soon.
Come on, Laverne,
come on be brave.
Tell me.
It's my... it's my
roommate Shirley.
There you go, you
see you got it out?
Now don't you feel better?
No, not yet. I don't.
Uh, take this brochure.
And sit in the mourner's lounge.
I'll call you in a
couple of minutes,
I'll be in and then we'll
have some privacy.
Shotz delivery coming through!
No, no hurry.
We would have been here
on time, but we was late.
No, no, no hurry.
The wake's been postponed.
Would you put that in
the icebox in the back?
Uh, yeah, excuse me, sir,
you got uh, you got any
dead bodies in the Frigidaire?
Absolutely not.
Oh, tough luck, Len.
Maybe next time, huh?
He had his heart set on
seeing a real live cadaver.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey Squig? Uh-huh?
Were we supposed
to meet Laverne here?
What would Laverne be doing
hanging out at a bone yard?
I don't know, but she's sitting,
she's sitting right
back in there.
Oh, yeah?
I'm not kidding,
let me show you.
I-I think she wants to be alone.
Laverne has had
a very difficult day.
Her roommate is dying.
There once was a tiny tiger who
wanted more than anything else
in the whole wide world
to be as big and strong
and fierce looking
as his father.
See, there's the daddy cat
and there's the little baby cat.
Now let's turn the page
and see what happens...
Hi, Shirl.
Hi!
Boy, did everything
go good tonight,
I can't wait to see
him tomorrow night.
You actually followed him home?
Uh, well, he didn't go home.
He went to his
place of business.
He's a businessman?
He has his own business? Yeah.
What does he do?
He's a mortician.
Ew.
Ew. Icky.
Well, somebody's got to do it.
Yes, but we don't
have to know them.
Yeah, we do, yeah, we do.
You know, when I was sitting
in the mourner's
lounge with him,
I told him all about you.
And now he wants to meet you.
Me? He wants to meet me?
Well, sure.
You're my best
friend, aren't you?
True.
There's just one little thing.
You're going to die
laughing when I tell you.
What is it? He's got a good
sense of humor, this guy?
Well, when Stan asked me
what I was doing in his mortuary
Yeah? I couldn't tell
him I was following him
like a cheap floozy,
right? No, right.
Here comes the funny part.
I pretended I was a customer.
You told him you were dying?
Better. Better, better.
I told him you were dying.
You told him I was dying!
And now he wants to meet me!
Funny, huh?
Funny?
Well, you can forget it, sister.
I'm not meeting this guy
for all the tea in China.
Aw, come on, Shirl, for me?
Look, all you got to
do is go down there,
meet him, get sick,
and then leave.
Absolutely not. No!
Never, never.
Come on, please?
No, no, no, no, no.
Never, never,
never, never, never.
But, I would... Look at my head.
Watch my head.
What does that indicate to you?
It means no.
No, forget it.
Forget it.
Do you remember...
Allan Steckler?
Please don't do this.
Allan Steckler, a guy
who chewed his socks.
Do you know what it's
like making out with a guy
who chews his socks?
It's like kissing a hamper.
Please... please have
mercy on my soul.
Five times you made
me go out with him.
Kool-Aid?
No. Why?
Just because you
wanted to go out
with his pal Milton Von
Blish the pharmacist.
Yes, yes, but you didn't
have to pretend you was dying.
No, I only wished I was dying.
And do you know why I
went out with Allan Steckler?
Because I made ugly threats?
No.
Because we're friends.
Friends do that for each other.
Friends, friendship.
♪ If you're ever in a jam ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ If you're ever in a mess ♪
♪ S.O.S. ♪
♪ If you ever feel so
happy you land in jail ♪
♪ I'm your bail ♪
♪ It's friendship,
friendship... ♪
Okay, all right,
all right, I'll do it.
Just stop that singing, please.
Oh, good, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
Please. I'll go, I'll meet him,
I'll say, "Hi, how are you?"
He'll say, "Fine, how are you?"
I'll say, "I myself am dying.
If you'll excuse
me, good night."
Perfect.
I'm telling you, Laverne,
this whole thing
is sick and morbid.
Hello.
Not now, guys, I
don't have the time.
She doesn't have the time.
Come on, now, Len,
we must be strong.
Yes, yes, no matter how
our hearts are breaking.
Boys.
I loved it when
she called us boys.
It's good to see you up
and around and all chipper
and breathing and
everything, Shirl.
Boys. Boys!
She's tearing my heart out.
What are you talking about?
Oh, listen, listen, listen.
Will you please... what?
You don't have to be
brave with us, Shirl.
We know you're as good as dead.
Holy cats, oh, no.
Now, listen, Lenny,
I'm not as good as dead.
I'm not as good as dead.
Y-You're much better.
No, no, no, no, no, you
don't seem to understand.
You see, I... No, we
understand everything.
The gravedigger told us
the whole rotten caboodle.
Oh... please, oh, no, no.
Well, look, we, we
know it ain't much,
but we wanted to give
you this, well, this gift.
No, I don't, I... Let
me explain this to you.
Take it, come on, take...
Will you take the gift?!
Will you just take the...
Come on, I want
to give you the gift!
All right, what is it
anyway? All night.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness, me.
"Dear Shirley, here is
a going-away present:
a lifetime subscription
to Confidential magazine."
Oh, boys, oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Oh, wait, you only
marked off six weeks here.
Boys.
Fellas.
Lenny, Lenny.
Squiggy.
Isn't this fun, Shirl?
Stan's driving
us in this big car.
I don't like sitting in
the back, Laverne.
Wait.
Squig, it happened.
They're taking Shirley away.
Oh, my God.
It's all over.
Look at it this way, Len.
She always wanted
to ride in a big car.
Okay, now, act brave
and remember what I told you:
keep everything short, cheerful,
and then get out of here.
You got it. Short,
cheerful, I'm gone.
I don't want to st...
Here he comes.
Miss Feeney. Yes, yes.
Are you sure you're
in the mood for this?
Because we could do
this some other time.
Oh... Oh, no, she's in the mood.
Oh, yes, pshaw.
Let's get on with it
quickly, shall we?
Your friend certainly is spunky.
Yeah, I taught her that.
My, my, Stanley,
but you do have a lovely
selection of caskets here.
Let me show you the one
Laverne picked out for you.
Excuse me.
All right.
You bought me a casket?
No, he's holding it on layaway.
Layaway? You put
a casket on layaway?
Well, I had to do something.
That's bad luck for the living.
Oh, here comes
the beauty. Isn't it?
A casket on
layaway? Here we are.
Huh?
This?!
You're going to put
me in an orange crate?
It's a good box.
Why didn't you just go get
me a great big cardboard carton
from Fenza's grocery store?
W-Wait, let's see inside.
Nice?
It's not even lined
and it doesn't have a little
pillow like those other ones.
I'll bring you a
pillow from home.
You going to bring me an
army blanket from home, too?
Perhaps Shirley would
like to see something
from our Regency line.
I certainly would.
Thank you very much.
Ah, now this is
more appropriate.
See, you got a
mattress, a comforter...
Will you excuse us for a minute?
Of course.
And these things are
very nice inside, too...
Put the pillow
down. Get over here.
Okay, brave's not working.
What do you want me to do?
Well, you want to get
out of here, don't you?
I want to be out
of here in a minute.
Okay, let me think, let
me think, let me think.
Okay, I got it.
I want you to act like
a chicken, a coward,
scared to death just
like everybody else.
A chicken?
Got it? All right.
You know something, Stanley?
I'm not really brave
and courageous.
Oh, no, no, that's just a
mask, a facade that I use.
I'm really yellow-bellied
and lily-livered
like everybody else.
Wait a minute.
Come on, come on, cry.
Go ahead, let it out.
We can't let a girl like this
go out in the street in tears.
I can't get a break here.
She can't go home alone.
Oh, oh, she won't be
alone when she gets there.
She's got company.
Friends, relatives,
Boo-Boo Kitty, okay?
I'll drive her home.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's
better for her to walk.
It's better for her condition.
We can't let her
go home like this.
She's dying. She's not dying.
What?
She's not dying?
I forgot to tell you.
What's that?
The doctor called and
says you're not dying.
Really?
Yeah, they found a, a vaccine.
Oh!
Yippee.
Whew...!
Whew!
Oh, is that a load
off of my mind.
Oh, well, yeah... Oh, come on.
I know a tasteless
prank when I see one.
You think it's funny making
fools of other people?
I mean, why would you
two girls do something so...
Play such a low and
disgusting trick like that?
Why would you do that?
Tell him what
happened when you...
I can explain things,
I can clear things up.
You see, two years ago,
I wanted to go out with
Milton Von Blish, a pharmacist,
so I had Laverne go out
with a guy who chewed socks.
I think you two girls
better just leave.
I-I'm running a business here.
This is no place
for practical jokes.
Death is not funny.
Come on, Shirl, I blew it.
Wait a minute, Laverne,
wait just a second.
Now, listen,
Stanley, listen here.
Laverne did not mean to do
anything low and disgusting.
It only turned out
that way, that's all.
Actually, this is a very
big compliment for you.
You see, Laverne just
wanted to go out with you.
Tell him now while
you've still got the chance
Tell him the truth.
I just wanted to
go out with you.
Well, then why didn't
you just ask me out?
Because, if I did, you would
have thought I was cheap.
Not true.
No?
Well... yeah, maybe.
I don't know, I'm confused.
Me, too.
That's why I didn't
know what to do.
I'll tell you what.
Let's start all over.
Can I call you next week?
Sure.
You want my telephone number?
You gave it to me yesterday.
I did? Three times.
Well, bye, girls.
I got to get back to work.
Good night, Stanley.
Bye, Laverne.
Bye.
Boy, getting dates
is hard work, huh?
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we
practice to deceive."
Another poem.
I'm sick of this
tangled web business.
Who cares?
I mean, what could I do, anyway?
All my life, everyone,
including you,
told me if I liked a guy
I just couldn't go
up and ask him out.
Well, from now on, that's
just what I am going to do.
Oh, but, Laverne,
they'll think you're cheap.
Stan thought I was disgusting.
What would you
rather be thought of as?
Cheap or disgusting?
Cheap. Me, too.
No, wait.
Can I change my vote?
Shirl, how can you sleep
through the best part?
The Wolf Man's whole
body is getting hairy.
Oh, look, the Widow DeFazio.
Aah!
Shirley's dead corpse.
Oh, my goodness,
what a grisly body.
Shirley's gone, boys.
If you see her here, you
must be seeing her ghost.
She's come back to haunt us.
Lenny. She wants you.
Squiggy.
She's talking to us
from across the beyond.
Come, let me bite your neck.
No, not tonight,
not tonight, no.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Come on, Edna, try this one.
Da da de da da da...
Loosen up, will you?
One, two...
three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.
Hey!
You can count 'em, too.
We did it!
Hey!
You're pretty good,
how long has it been
since you took a dance lesson?
Oh, almost 25 years.
25 years ago?
Gee, that means you started
dancing when you were about...
A baby.
Now on that last
step, a little heavier.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Shirley. Hi.
Oh, my aching feet,
my aching dogs.
Tough day at work, huh?
Tough day at work?
I had to train Madeline
Krauthammer how to cap bottles.
12 hours on my feet.
12 hours?
You only work eight hours.
I know.
I stood on my feet eight hours
and Madeline stood on
my feet the other four.
You're home early, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, well, I always
get home 30 minutes early
when Laverne
doesn't ride in the car.
She doesn't drive that slow.
We circle Pfister Park and
watch the athletes sweat.
Why didn't Laverne
ride home with you?
Did you have a
fight or something?
No, no, no, no.
It's just, for the
past three days,
Laverne has been
taking the bus home.
Don't tell me, she's
after the driver, right?
No, no, it's not the driver.
It's one of the passengers.
She's dying to go out with him.
So every day for
the past three days,
she gets on the bus,
whether it's full or empty,
and she stands right
in front of this guy,
hanging onto the strap,
hiking her dress up,
if you know what I mean.
Va, va, va, va, voom.
It's only a
demonstration, Carmine.
But I do believe today,
she has gone a step too far.
She's going to follow this guy
all the way home from work.
Hello?
Hello, I'm Stan. May I help you?
Oh, you work here?
My brother and I own the place.
Oh, you work with dead people?
Oh, no, no, no,
no. I work in sales.
My brother works
with dead people.
He has a flair for it.
Oh, so you're just a regular,
normal guy then, huh?
Well, I like to think so.
Don't I know you from someplace?
I'm Laverne.
From the bus?
Oh, yeah.
You have lovely knees.
Thanks.
A couple of scars on
them from when I was a kid,
but you got to
live life, don't you?
Well, it's nice to
finally meet you.
Oh, my lucky bracelet.
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm fine.
I got to get that clasp fixed.
Little cows?
Uh, yeah, it's a souvenir
from the Chicago stockyards.
I didn't know they
had a gift shop.
Yeah, it's right behind where
they slaughter the cows.
You really got to
look for it, though.
I'm sure you do.
Well, what can I do for you?
Uh, you can't.
Nothing now.
So, I guess I better be going.
Uh, see you on the bus.
Well, wait, wait a minute.
I still don't know
why you're here.
Huh?
I mean, you just didn't
follow me off the bus.
No.
I mean, what do I,
what do I look like?
Some cheap, pushy floozy?
No, so... why are you here?
Business.
What are those there?
These are our urns.
Remember, "Ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.
If you're going to be
cremated, an urn is a must."
I like poetry.
You know this one?
"There once was a man
from Nantucket who..."
I'm familiar with it.
Oh, good evening, Mr. O'Malley.
Excuse me for a minute.
They were supposed to fly
his late brother-in-law
in from New York today.
I'll have to check the airport.
I'll check the urns.
Won't you have a seat?
And I'll make
that call right now.
One minute.
Isn't he a nice guy? Huh?
Do you know they stuff a whole
person in one of these things?
I can't figure out
how they do that.
Did you see my... my...
Excuse me, sir... or madam.
They really don't
have enough chairs
in a place like this, you know.
No, no, I'm fine,
I'm comfy right here.
What are you doing?
I've got a dead
person on my arm.
Oh, Laverne.
My bracelet fell in.
I don't know, his
ashes went all over me,
I think I got part
of him in my hair,
but we could scrape him up
and put him back in his little home.
Laverne, there's no
dead person in here,
this model's been discontinued.
We use it as an ash tray.
Oh, an ash tray.
I couldn't figure out why
I felt gum, you know?
Hey, Squig, what's
our next stop?
It's the undertaker.
Oh, boy.
Now, Laverne, I have
a hearse standing by,
if you'll just tell me where
we can pick up the remains.
Oh, you can't.
Nobody's dead.
Then why did you come here?
For the funeral.
But you said nobody's dead?
Yet. Nobody's dead yet.
But it's happening real soon.
Oh, I admire you for
planning in advance.
Now, when do I get
to find out who's dying?
Soon.
Come on, Laverne,
come on be brave.
Tell me.
It's my... it's my
roommate Shirley.
There you go, you
see you got it out?
Now don't you feel better?
No, not yet. I don't.
Uh, take this brochure.
And sit in the mourner's lounge.
I'll call you in a
couple of minutes,
I'll be in and then we'll
have some privacy.
Shotz delivery coming through!
No, no hurry.
We would have been here
on time, but we was late.
No, no, no hurry.
The wake's been postponed.
Would you put that in
the icebox in the back?
Uh, yeah, excuse me, sir,
you got uh, you got any
dead bodies in the Frigidaire?
Absolutely not.
Oh, tough luck, Len.
Maybe next time, huh?
He had his heart set on
seeing a real live cadaver.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey Squig? Uh-huh?
Were we supposed
to meet Laverne here?
What would Laverne be doing
hanging out at a bone yard?
I don't know, but she's sitting,
she's sitting right
back in there.
Oh, yeah?
I'm not kidding,
let me show you.
I-I think she wants to be alone.
Laverne has had
a very difficult day.
Her roommate is dying.
There once was a tiny tiger who
wanted more than anything else
in the whole wide world
to be as big and strong
and fierce looking
as his father.
See, there's the daddy cat
and there's the little baby cat.
Now let's turn the page
and see what happens...
Hi, Shirl.
Hi!
Boy, did everything
go good tonight,
I can't wait to see
him tomorrow night.
You actually followed him home?
Uh, well, he didn't go home.
He went to his
place of business.
He's a businessman?
He has his own business? Yeah.
What does he do?
He's a mortician.
Ew.
Ew. Icky.
Well, somebody's got to do it.
Yes, but we don't
have to know them.
Yeah, we do, yeah, we do.
You know, when I was sitting
in the mourner's
lounge with him,
I told him all about you.
And now he wants to meet you.
Me? He wants to meet me?
Well, sure.
You're my best
friend, aren't you?
True.
There's just one little thing.
You're going to die
laughing when I tell you.
What is it? He's got a good
sense of humor, this guy?
Well, when Stan asked me
what I was doing in his mortuary
Yeah? I couldn't tell
him I was following him
like a cheap floozy,
right? No, right.
Here comes the funny part.
I pretended I was a customer.
You told him you were dying?
Better. Better, better.
I told him you were dying.
You told him I was dying!
And now he wants to meet me!
Funny, huh?
Funny?
Well, you can forget it, sister.
I'm not meeting this guy
for all the tea in China.
Aw, come on, Shirl, for me?
Look, all you got to
do is go down there,
meet him, get sick,
and then leave.
Absolutely not. No!
Never, never.
Come on, please?
No, no, no, no, no.
Never, never,
never, never, never.
But, I would... Look at my head.
Watch my head.
What does that indicate to you?
It means no.
No, forget it.
Forget it.
Do you remember...
Allan Steckler?
Please don't do this.
Allan Steckler, a guy
who chewed his socks.
Do you know what it's
like making out with a guy
who chews his socks?
It's like kissing a hamper.
Please... please have
mercy on my soul.
Five times you made
me go out with him.
Kool-Aid?
No. Why?
Just because you
wanted to go out
with his pal Milton Von
Blish the pharmacist.
Yes, yes, but you didn't
have to pretend you was dying.
No, I only wished I was dying.
And do you know why I
went out with Allan Steckler?
Because I made ugly threats?
No.
Because we're friends.
Friends do that for each other.
Friends, friendship.
♪ If you're ever in a jam ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ If you're ever in a mess ♪
♪ S.O.S. ♪
♪ If you ever feel so
happy you land in jail ♪
♪ I'm your bail ♪
♪ It's friendship,
friendship... ♪
Okay, all right,
all right, I'll do it.
Just stop that singing, please.
Oh, good, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
Please. I'll go, I'll meet him,
I'll say, "Hi, how are you?"
He'll say, "Fine, how are you?"
I'll say, "I myself am dying.
If you'll excuse
me, good night."
Perfect.
I'm telling you, Laverne,
this whole thing
is sick and morbid.
Hello.
Not now, guys, I
don't have the time.
She doesn't have the time.
Come on, now, Len,
we must be strong.
Yes, yes, no matter how
our hearts are breaking.
Boys.
I loved it when
she called us boys.
It's good to see you up
and around and all chipper
and breathing and
everything, Shirl.
Boys. Boys!
She's tearing my heart out.
What are you talking about?
Oh, listen, listen, listen.
Will you please... what?
You don't have to be
brave with us, Shirl.
We know you're as good as dead.
Holy cats, oh, no.
Now, listen, Lenny,
I'm not as good as dead.
I'm not as good as dead.
Y-You're much better.
No, no, no, no, no, you
don't seem to understand.
You see, I... No, we
understand everything.
The gravedigger told us
the whole rotten caboodle.
Oh... please, oh, no, no.
Well, look, we, we
know it ain't much,
but we wanted to give
you this, well, this gift.
No, I don't, I... Let
me explain this to you.
Take it, come on, take...
Will you take the gift?!
Will you just take the...
Come on, I want
to give you the gift!
All right, what is it
anyway? All night.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness, me.
"Dear Shirley, here is
a going-away present:
a lifetime subscription
to Confidential magazine."
Oh, boys, oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Oh, wait, you only
marked off six weeks here.
Boys.
Fellas.
Lenny, Lenny.
Squiggy.
Isn't this fun, Shirl?
Stan's driving
us in this big car.
I don't like sitting in
the back, Laverne.
Wait.
Squig, it happened.
They're taking Shirley away.
Oh, my God.
It's all over.
Look at it this way, Len.
She always wanted
to ride in a big car.
Okay, now, act brave
and remember what I told you:
keep everything short, cheerful,
and then get out of here.
You got it. Short,
cheerful, I'm gone.
I don't want to st...
Here he comes.
Miss Feeney. Yes, yes.
Are you sure you're
in the mood for this?
Because we could do
this some other time.
Oh... Oh, no, she's in the mood.
Oh, yes, pshaw.
Let's get on with it
quickly, shall we?
Your friend certainly is spunky.
Yeah, I taught her that.
My, my, Stanley,
but you do have a lovely
selection of caskets here.
Let me show you the one
Laverne picked out for you.
Excuse me.
All right.
You bought me a casket?
No, he's holding it on layaway.
Layaway? You put
a casket on layaway?
Well, I had to do something.
That's bad luck for the living.
Oh, here comes
the beauty. Isn't it?
A casket on
layaway? Here we are.
Huh?
This?!
You're going to put
me in an orange crate?
It's a good box.
Why didn't you just go get
me a great big cardboard carton
from Fenza's grocery store?
W-Wait, let's see inside.
Nice?
It's not even lined
and it doesn't have a little
pillow like those other ones.
I'll bring you a
pillow from home.
You going to bring me an
army blanket from home, too?
Perhaps Shirley would
like to see something
from our Regency line.
I certainly would.
Thank you very much.
Ah, now this is
more appropriate.
See, you got a
mattress, a comforter...
Will you excuse us for a minute?
Of course.
And these things are
very nice inside, too...
Put the pillow
down. Get over here.
Okay, brave's not working.
What do you want me to do?
Well, you want to get
out of here, don't you?
I want to be out
of here in a minute.
Okay, let me think, let
me think, let me think.
Okay, I got it.
I want you to act like
a chicken, a coward,
scared to death just
like everybody else.
A chicken?
Got it? All right.
You know something, Stanley?
I'm not really brave
and courageous.
Oh, no, no, that's just a
mask, a facade that I use.
I'm really yellow-bellied
and lily-livered
like everybody else.
Wait a minute.
Come on, come on, cry.
Go ahead, let it out.
We can't let a girl like this
go out in the street in tears.
I can't get a break here.
She can't go home alone.
Oh, oh, she won't be
alone when she gets there.
She's got company.
Friends, relatives,
Boo-Boo Kitty, okay?
I'll drive her home.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's
better for her to walk.
It's better for her condition.
We can't let her
go home like this.
She's dying. She's not dying.
What?
She's not dying?
I forgot to tell you.
What's that?
The doctor called and
says you're not dying.
Really?
Yeah, they found a, a vaccine.
Oh!
Yippee.
Whew...!
Whew!
Oh, is that a load
off of my mind.
Oh, well, yeah... Oh, come on.
I know a tasteless
prank when I see one.
You think it's funny making
fools of other people?
I mean, why would you
two girls do something so...
Play such a low and
disgusting trick like that?
Why would you do that?
Tell him what
happened when you...
I can explain things,
I can clear things up.
You see, two years ago,
I wanted to go out with
Milton Von Blish, a pharmacist,
so I had Laverne go out
with a guy who chewed socks.
I think you two girls
better just leave.
I-I'm running a business here.
This is no place
for practical jokes.
Death is not funny.
Come on, Shirl, I blew it.
Wait a minute, Laverne,
wait just a second.
Now, listen,
Stanley, listen here.
Laverne did not mean to do
anything low and disgusting.
It only turned out
that way, that's all.
Actually, this is a very
big compliment for you.
You see, Laverne just
wanted to go out with you.
Tell him now while
you've still got the chance
Tell him the truth.
I just wanted to
go out with you.
Well, then why didn't
you just ask me out?
Because, if I did, you would
have thought I was cheap.
Not true.
No?
Well... yeah, maybe.
I don't know, I'm confused.
Me, too.
That's why I didn't
know what to do.
I'll tell you what.
Let's start all over.
Can I call you next week?
Sure.
You want my telephone number?
You gave it to me yesterday.
I did? Three times.
Well, bye, girls.
I got to get back to work.
Good night, Stanley.
Bye, Laverne.
Bye.
Boy, getting dates
is hard work, huh?
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we
practice to deceive."
Another poem.
I'm sick of this
tangled web business.
Who cares?
I mean, what could I do, anyway?
All my life, everyone,
including you,
told me if I liked a guy
I just couldn't go
up and ask him out.
Well, from now on, that's
just what I am going to do.
Oh, but, Laverne,
they'll think you're cheap.
Stan thought I was disgusting.
What would you
rather be thought of as?
Cheap or disgusting?
Cheap. Me, too.
No, wait.
Can I change my vote?
Shirl, how can you sleep
through the best part?
The Wolf Man's whole
body is getting hairy.
Oh, look, the Widow DeFazio.
Aah!
Shirley's dead corpse.
Oh, my goodness,
what a grisly body.
Shirley's gone, boys.
If you see her here, you
must be seeing her ghost.
She's come back to haunt us.
Lenny. She wants you.
Squiggy.
She's talking to us
from across the beyond.
Come, let me bite your neck.
No, not tonight,
not tonight, no.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪