Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 11 - Take My Plants, Please - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



They can't do this to us!

It doesn't make any sense!

Why should our
section be the one to...

Why should our section be
the one to be laid off, huh?

Why are we the ones
who are out of work?

Why are we the ones
packing our things, huh?

I told you why.

Because the Braves
are on a losing streak?

Let me explain it
to you again, okay?

See, if the Braves
don't play so good,

then people don't go to games.

People don't go to the games,

then Shotz can't sell them beer.

Do you got that?

So why don't they
just lay off the Braves?

How can they lay off a
whole baseball team?

It's our American heritage.

How can they lay off
a brewery worker, huh?

I'll tell you why... Because
it always sifts down

to the little guy, that's why.

We're the one who get
the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

Need some help there?

No, thanks, I can manage.

Aw, what are you so
upset about anyway?

It's only temporary.

We'll go down to Unemployment,

fill out a few forms

and collect our $42.50 a week.

I hate to go down
to Unemployment.

It's embarrassing down there.

Everybody down there
knows that you don't have a job.

Well, they don't
have jobs either.

That's why everyone is there.

Still and all, I don't like it.

I don't like to sit
around for weeks.

I'm an active Annie.

Aw, come on, Annie.

See? We'll have fun
down at Unemployment.

We'll meet guys...
Unemployed guys.

I happened to meet
a doctor there once.

I want you to think about
that for a minute, Laverne.

Why would a doctor be
unemployed? Hmm? Hmm?

He was so good...
he cured everybody.

I'm finished talking
silliness with you.

Mmm.

I don't care if we ever
come back to this place.

There is nothing
more despicable to me

than this place.

Hello.

Don't you girls
look comely today.

What are you so happy about?

You were laid off, too.

Yeah, but every cloud
has a silver spoon, Laverne.

Now me and Squiggy are
finally going to get a chance

to work on that secret
project we've been putting off.

I know I'm going to hate
myself for asking this...

Probably.

But, uh, what secret project?

Only the biggest
thing to hit mankind

since the invention
of the zipper.

Lenny and me is
working on the world's first

combination electric
toothbrush and radio.

We call it the radio-brush.

You'll be able to dance
away your tooth decay.

People are going to finally
start brushing their teeth

once a week like they ought to.

This may come as a shock to you,

but I brush my teeth
after every meal.

That's poor oral hygiene, Shirl.

You're going to wear
them right down to the nub.

Thanks for the towel, Laverne.

Uh, yeah, uh...

Yes... this is just
the beginning, too.

We're going to make a
bundle with this inventing stuff,

and you girls can't have any.

Ah, a radio-brush.

Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

Just like they
laughed at Columbus,

right before he discovered Ohio.

Boy, oh, boy.

But you know something?

Those boys have
got the right idea.

We should try making money
at what we really love to do.

I think we'd get
arrested for that, Shirl.

This old brain is
going lickety-split.

I'm going to think up something.

Well, while you're
lickety-splitting there,

why don't you cash
our last paychecks?

We could use some food.

Okay, would you go
to the bank with me?

No, I can't. I got to
play softball for Shotz.

The very people who are
taking food out of our mouths,

and you're going to
be their first baseman.

I'll play bad.

Hey, Shirl!

You would've been
so proud of me.

I struck out in the ninth,

and then I gave
Mr. Shotz the Italian salute.

Oh, boy, plants.

Somebody died, and
we're having the wake.

Hello, Laverne.

Hi... I'm so glad you're home.

We're going to be rich.

We're going to have
money up to our eyebrows!

Somebody died and left us money.

The most wonderful thing
has happened. Carmine...

Carmine died? Oh...

No, Carmine took
me to the nursery.

Carmine's having a baby?

No, no, no, no.

Carmine has a friend
who owns a plant nursery.

This is our new business.

Huh?

What? Huh? You see...

we now buy plants
wholesale... Yeah?

And sell them retail.

Great investment, huh?

You paid for all these?

Of course I paid for them!

You have to spend money
in order to make money.

That's the
businessman's first rule.

Oh. Well, you didn't use
my paycheck, did you?

You used my paycheck?

How can you do that?

How much did you spend, huh?

How much... Just $62 now.

Just $62 now... Now?

And $62 later.

$62... $62... That's
over 90 bucks!

Peanuts! Peanuts
compared with what

we're going to make. Listen.

We're going to clean
up in the plant business.

We'll double our money
in a week, I promise you!

We're on the "urge" of
a major breakthrough!

We're about to give dental
hygiene a shot in the gums.

But we seem to have
misplaced our toothbrush.

Can we use one of yours?

Ughh... Ughh...
We'll give it back.

Ughh! Ughh!

Hey, what's with
all the tropical flora?

Didn't you used
to go out with her?

Nah, that was Teresa DeFluca.

Boys, boys. Boys, boys, boys.

Are we happy to see you.

Yeah, you and what army?

I'm going to show you how

we're going to clean
up in the plant business.

Boys? Do you know what this is?

It's a plant!

Do you know what?

No.

Girls love plants.

Uh? What do you do?

You wait for them to lie down

and then kind of rub
it all over their bodies?

Don't ever say those
things to me. Okay?

No, you see, girls
love to hold plants.

They love to look at them.

They love to feel them.

Oh, great, then I'll take one.

I won't have to get her drunk.

Thank you. No, no.

Hello? Hello?

Put that down!

How about you, Len?

You like girls, don't you?

Sure. Hey, if I get a
bigger plant than him,

will I get bigger women?

Amazons.

Oh, boy. You got
a sale. Here you go.

Well, there you go.

Hey, Squig, what's a Amazon?

Aw, nothing but trouble.

You can't fit them on a bus.

You can barely do
anything with them.

You've got to be
more aggressive.

You should sell the
plants door-to-door.

Look. I got you a
little... Here, hold this...

I got you a little book
here on sales techniques.

Now, I want you to read it.

Door-to-door?

Uh, thanks, Mrs. Babish.

That's a great idea. Yes.

Yes, I'll read this book
from cover to cover.

Oh, you're going to love it.

It's called Taking the
Bore Out of Door to Door.

Taking the Bore
Out of Door to Door.

Worthless.

Yeah.

I'm surprised at her.

She usually comes
up with good ideas.

Yeah. Well, that one's a doozy.

Come in, Carmine!

Hey, how you doing, girls?

How you doing, Laverne?

Fine.

Hey, look, Shirl,
my good friend Rudy

is waiting for me
out in the truck.

He wants to know
if you'll pay him

the other $62
now for the plants.

Now, now, Carmine.

He said he didn't want
that money until Thursday,

and today is only Tuesday.

Oh, what's the difference?

We don't got it now, we're
not going to have it Thursday.

We're out of business.

Let Rudy take his plants back
and give us our money back.

You want to tell Rudy that?

Sure. I don't think
Rudy's going to want

to give us our money back.

You see, um...
What, I can handle it.

Where is he, outside?
He's on the truck.

The fat guy on the truck.

Hey, Rudy! Get in here!

Laverne.

Laverne, I don't think that this

is going to work at all.

You don't know this man.

Oh, the day I can't
handle a florist...

A florist? I can
handle a florist.

All right, let her. She
can handle it. Go ahead.

Go ahead, handle it.

Handle it. Go ahead, handle it.

She can handle it. Don't worry.

Laverne, I'd like
you to meet Rudy.

Rudy, this is Laverne.

Hi.

Hi, Rudy.

Um, Rudy, we sort
of changed our minds.

See, we'd like to give
you, uh, back the plants

and then you could give
us back our money, okay?

Is that a no?

You pay Thursday! Thursday!

Thursday! All right...

I think you got
him a little upset!

Let's go get...

Door-to-door's
not a bad idea. No.

No... Where's that book?

Hi, Mister, want to buy a plant?

No!

Look at this, we're on
chapter nine already,

and we haven't
even sold one plant.

I am going straight to
advanced selling techniques.

Go ahead. Okay. Uh, here...

How about a plant
for the wife, buddy?

Uh, I'm-I'm not your buddy.

Hi, I'm Harold.

Ooh, it's nice to meet you.

She makes friends fast.

Well, I'm not looking.

Okay, here we go.

"Selling As A Team."

We're a team.
Partner. Partner, right.

Okay, "One of the
most effective ways

is the 'good guy,
bad guy' approach."

Oh, you mean like Sergeant
Friday and that fat guy?

Exactly. Exactly.

All right, you play the good
guy, I'll play the bad guy.

Get out of here.

Wipe that smirk off your
face and knock on that door.

Good.

That was bad.

Hello, can I help you?

Hello, we're selling...

Forget about this twerp!

This twerp doesn't look
smart enough to water.

Oh, well... Come on,
he looks nice to me.

Let's give him a chance, huh?

A chance for what?

A chance to buy one
of these little beauties.

Oh, well I love plants.

I guess I could
take a red one...

Oh, no, you don't, ding-dong.

It's two plants,
or it's nothing.

Excuse me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. What
are you talking about ding-dong?

He was going to buy a plant.

Well, I was doing
just fine there,

until you interrupted me.

Look, this guy's
a real customer.

If we play our cards right,

we can sell him the
whole kit and caboodle.

Think so? I know so.

Okay.

I'd be glad to sell you
that one plant there,

but, uh, my partner here says

that you got to buy
two, or it's nothing.

Well, I really only
wanted one plant.

But I guess I could
take this puce one, too.

Oh, no, you don't!

It's three plants, or the
whole deal's off, baldy.

Baldy?

Baldy?!

No one calls Wallace
P. Phumphrey "Baldy"!

You take these things before
I shove them up your nose!

Okay, I think we've
learned our lesson here.

Shall we go onto
the next chapter?

Not until I shove
this up your nose.

We could have sold two of them.

Don't shove a living
thing up a person's nose.

Did you forget that
we owe $62 to a guy

who goes like this
with a flowerpot?

Ow, ow, ow!

Did I hurt myself?

Hi, Mister, want to buy a plant?

Yeah.

Two bucks. Give him little
Eddie, give him baby Eddie.

She likes to name
them. Thank you.

Hey! Did your mother
ever warn you about this?

Here's another approach. What?

"One member of the team
pretends to be from a foreign country

"and cannot speak English.

"The customer is bound
to feel sorry for the foreigner

and will buy something."

Okay, good. I'll
be the foreigner.

Herbie Shule once
said I looked French.

Herbie Shule said
you kissed French.

He said that?

When did he say that?

You want to reminisce now
or do you want to sell plants?

I want to know
when he said that.

Yes? SHIRLEY: Hello, hello.

My name is Shirley Feeney,

and this is my foreign
friend who I'm helping.

She's from uh...
uh... Yugoslavia.

Oh, Yugoslavia!

My sister-in-law's
from Yugoslavia!

Meetza, come here.

Oh, she'll... she'll
just love talking to you.

Oh, isn't that funny?

I said Yugoslavia, didn't I?

But I meant to say
Czechoslovakia.

Oh, that's close enough.

That's close enough. Meetza. No!

No, no, no, no.

There's been a mistake.

Look here, you have
just won a free plant.

Oh. Yes, it's true.

For doing nothing.

Maybe next time, Meetza.

Why didn't you go with French?

Who's going to
believe you're French?

You don't speak French.
I speak Yugoslavian?

And your mother's the
one with a moustache!

My mama? My mama?!

Who sells the plants?

Right here. Oh, no, you
don't. Oh, no, you don't.

Not another one, you
ruthless killer of greenery.

Hey, this one's almost dead.

All right, but this
is the last one.

Thank you.

Make it work for you.

Ow!

This is a fun building, yeah?

I'm going to talk
to that couple.

Oh, what, and kill our business?

Come on, back to the book.

Oh, we're on the last chapter.

"If you're still having trouble,

there is one last resort."

I got to get naked?

The way your mind works.

"To make a sale, you
have to be obnoxious.

"Don't take 'n" for an answer.

"No matter how hard
the customer objects,

"keep on selling.

"They will buy something
just to get rid of you.

Good luck."

Okay.

I'm going to do it.

All right, I'll stand
right behind you.

I ain't taking no for an answer.

Good girl.

Yes? Hi, want to buy a plant?

No. Come here.

Which one do you want?

I don't think so.

Come on, they'll give
you hours of enjoyment.

Hey, Laverne, I
don't think she needs

hours of enjoyment.

Hold it, hold it.

I'll handle this.

Oh, hi there, hot lips,
want to buy a plant?

No.

Well, then, I'm going to
stand here until you do.

Hah. How about your wife?

Your wife, your wife,
your wife, your wife...

Well, listen, I tell you what.

How about I give you $20
and uh, I take all the plants?

Okay? Oh, that
would be wonderful.

Thanks, girls.

Have fun. Have fun. Bye.

We did it. We did it.

Of course we did it,

because we learned not
to take no for an answer.

Yeah, well, we did take
no from that one guy

who sicced his dogs on us.

They were just
little, tiny poodles.

Poodles are mean, Shirl.

How would you
like to go through life

with a little tuft of
hair here, one there,

and then fur muffs
around their ankles, huh?

Who cares?

We're rich, we're
rich! We're rich.

I got 90 big ones here.

What's the grand total?

What have you got?

Would you just count it?

I don't like it when
their little heads

are all going in
different directions.

Would you come on.

Come on, come on,
come on... All right, okay.

All totaled... $230!

$230!

Do you know how many
bottles we'd have to cap

to make this much money?

And you wanted to
go on unemployment.

Ah, stupid me, huh?

Well, we did do pretty
good. Yes, we did.

But don't forget, we laid
out $62 of our own money

to go into the business. Put it down.
Right, okay. Sixty one, two. Okay.

We'll put it back in the bank. Wait,
okay, and there's $16 for the fertilizer.

Put it... Oh, yeah,
put that in there.

Okay, well, that still
leaves us a $152.

Give me my money!

Don't break nothing!

You know, I could be wrong,

but I think it would
be a good idea

if you gave Rudy his $62 now!

All right, tell him
to calm down.

He is calm.

Okay, one, two, three...

Will you just give me that.

Here, give the man
his money, huh?

Here you go.

Rudy? Hey, Rudy.

Rudy, you want to put
those mailboxes back?

Hurry up before
he loses his calm.

Well, we paid him
back, and now we got...

90 bucks left.

45 bucks each.

Ain't bad for our first week.

Yeah, but, uh, we could
have had fun all week

and gone to Unemployment
and made $42.50 apiece.

Well, the rest is gravy.

Five bucks ain't
exactly gravy, Shirl.

It's a start.

Well, I got your mail.

It's all bills.

Look, uh, I'm sorry I
didn't get to him in time.

A couple of
bucks, you'll fix it,

it'll be good as new.

Look at that, he
chewed the lock off.

Doesn't your friend, Rudy, know

that this is
government property?

Eh, Rudy ain't too crazy
about the government.

They deported his sister.

Oh, what a week, what
a patootie of a week.

There we were making
fools out of ourselves,

begging, begging
from door-to-door.

"Want to buy a plant?
Want to buy a plant?"

Then, there I was
spending four hours

with a Yugoslavian
lady stuffing cabbage.

I still got meat under my nails.

And then those
angry little poodles,

nipping at my
ankles... Nip, nip, nip.

And then to top it off, a crazy
man chews up our mailbox.

For what? For what?

Zilch.

All in all, I think it was
a pretty good week.

Where have you been?

I mean, doesn't anything
get through to you?

Every time there's a disaster,

you're up there, hanging
onto that rainbow.

What happened to my
balloon never landing?

I got tired of saying that.

I said it a thousand
times, and it never sunk in.

Now just this once, please,

just this once will
you just face the facts?

Well, well, well, well, well...

Well, well, well, well, well.

Do you know what you are? What?

You're a quitter.

A quitter? That's
right, a quitter.

At least I learned a
lesson from this week.

At least I know that I am not
at the mercy of that brewery.

And I know that I can
stand on these two feet

when the going gets
rough, and I can make it.

Well, I can make it, too.

I know that.

And who cares about Shotz?

Yeah, yeah.

And who cares about
these bills? Yeah.

Why would Shotz send us a bill?

Oh, throw it away.

It's probably for
that smock I lost.

Who needs Shotz anyway?
We got our little plants.

We got our jobs back! What?

We do. We start Monday!

I hated selling those plants.

What? What did you say?

Oh, I said let's go celebrate.

Celebrate. Right you are.

Come on, let's go
to the Pizza Bowl.

Okay. Okay. You know
something, Laverne? What?

If we went right now and took
that money and bought ourselves

a bunch of teeny,
tiny little evergreens,

then by Christmastime...

You'd have a new roommate.

I'd have a new roommate.

Thank you, Carmine.
How much do we owe you?

Oh nothing, it's on the house.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Hey, how about a
home cooked meal, huh?

Oh, hey, great, all right.
As long as Shirley cooks it.

Big deal, big deal.

I'm good at other things.

That reminds me, Rudy wants
to know if you'll go out with him.

Don't be silly.

That man ate our mailbox.

He's a brute.

Yeah, he's an animal.

What kind of car does he drive?

Well, he's got two of them.

Two cars? He's got a truck...

Paprika! We have done it!

Observe...

The radio and the
toothbrush combination.

A toothbrush and a radio
attached upon each other,

so that this man, with
one easy flick of this knob,

can brush his teeth
to a top-ten tune.

I don't hear any music.

Uh, uh, no, that's because
there's something wrong.

A slight adjustment,
no problem, don't panic.

Here we go, here we are.

Yes, yes, he's brushing
his mouth, north and south!

I think he needs help.

What are you talking
about... he's dancing.

He's having the
time of his life,

Dance, Lenny, dance!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪