Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 10 - Shirley's Operation - full transcript

Dressed as Alice in Wonderland for a local children's play, Shirley ends up going to the hospital instead to get her appendix out. Her fear causes her to run and hide, so the gang must find her before her appendix fails her for good.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Show business.

Hello. Oh!

Oh, Carmine...!

You make a terrific
looking caterpillar.

And you make a terrific
looking Alice in Wonderland.

Thank you very much.

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do? How do you do?

Okay, enough.

I want to give you
your sides. My what?

Your sides.

That's show business
talk for your lines.

There you go. Okay.

Got it?

Okay.

Well, thank you.
What's that for?

Oh, that, well, that's
for putting on this play

for my dance studio.

It's going to bring a
lot of new students.

Aw, pshaw, you big bug.

Everybody's helping out.

Besides, you get more students,

you make a little more money,

we can go out a
little more often.

How about Friday?

I'd love to. Love
to. Ah, all right.

Maybe I'll be out of this
costume by then. Maybe.

Hey, where's the Mad Hatter?

Oh, she's in the bedroom.

Laverne...!

The Mad Hatter did not
wear fishnet stockings.

Well, that's why he
didn't get any action.

You look more like
the Mad Hooker.

Oh, yeah?

Shirley told me
you were all hands.

You told her that?

Look, I crack her up.

It wasn't that funny.

Is she laughing
or is she crying?

Are you all right?

What's the matter, Shirl?

Girl talk, girl talk.

I got a gas bubble.

Then, why don't you just burp?

Not in front of Carmine.

I don't want to.

Well then, let's
go in the kitchen.

I'll fix you a Bromo

and then you can
burp in private.

She's got gas.

Off with her head!

Hey! Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey, you look great,
Mrs. B. Oh, thank you.

Queen of Hearts, right? Yeah.

Hey, the kids are
going to love you.

Thanks for helping
out. I appreciate it.

Oh, listen, it's
no trouble at all.

I just love acting.

It's another story with
Laverne's father, though.

Frank?

Come on, get out here.

I'm not going to go out there.

Oh, come on, you chicken.

Come on, come on.

Isn't he cute?

Hey, let's see you hop.

How would you like if
I hopped on your face?

Go on, Frank.

How do you walk
with things like this?

Oh, come on, quit complaining.

You could have
looked a lot worse.

Hello.

Boy, do you look stupid.

Hey, hey, why don't you give
me one of your feet for luck.

Hey, hey, hey, you watch it.

You break these costumes,
you're going to have to pay for them.

That's right, my Uncle
Elliot wants these back

at his wax museum and he
don't want sweat on his fur.

Get it out.

There, feel better?

Yes, thank you.

You're going to
have to learn how

to burp by yourself, you know.

I can't do that.

All right, everyone.

All right, places, places.

Let's rehearse, come on.

That's show biz
talk, show biz talk.

No, no, no, upstage
here, upstage, upstage.

Come on, upstage, that's right.

That's right. All right, um...

Laverne, here are your lines.

I, of course, have memorized

the entire script
complete with prop list.

Yeah, well, we got our
words written on our skin.

Mm-hmm, that's right,
but don't worry, Shirl,

we ain't going to take a bath
until after the show. Word of honor.

"So at the bottom
of the hole..."

No, no, no, no, no, remember,

you're talking to kids, here,

you're talking to kids.

"So, at the bottom of the hole,

"the Rabbit goes
through this tiny door,

but fat Alice can't
fit, so, she says..."

Oh, dear, a tiny little door.

How will I ever get
through this itty-bitty door?

Why don't you try
cutting off your head?

Please, all right?

All right. Laverne, continue.

"Well, then, Alice finds a
large bottle, and says..."

Oh!

A bottle marked "drink me."

I'll just take a sip
from the bottle,

and see what happens.

What is this stuff?

Milk and Pepsi.

You're off props.

Mrs. Babish, will you
handle props from now on?

I asked for lemonade, didn't I?

Hey, what time does
Tweedledum talk?

Wait, why do you care?

I'm Tweedledum,
you're Tweedledee.

No, believe me, I'm Dum.

You're Dee, I'm Dum.

Hey, you're both
morons, now shut up.

What are you talking about?

Hey, where does it
say Tweedledee Moron?

"Then Alice says..."

Look. Look how small I am now.

I can get through the door.

I'll just push it open and go...

She did it better yesterday.

Come on, Shirl,
stop kidding around.

You got a lot of lines to say.

Come on, Shirl, it's
no time to be kidding.

Uh-oh, this is going to
take more than a burp.

She's out cold, she fainted.

Carmine, give me a hand.

Get her in that slot over there.

No, no, no, please don't.

Please, please, don't.

Please, please,
please, really... Carmine!

Honestly, you're like a bug.

I'm all right, I'm
all right, really.

I want to go home. Laverne...

Oh, Alice in Wonderland.

But the Mad Hatter never
wore fishnet stockings.

I told her that.

I wanted her to
have the classic look,

you know, with the pants. She
has to see a doctor, she's sick.

No, no. Uh, what's your name?

Shirley Feeney.
But I'm not sick, I...

Here, fill this out.

The doctor will be
with you in a minute.

The rest of you stay
in the waiting room.

Shirley, Shirley, listen,
make the best of it.

A doctor is always
a great catch.

Hey, forget about the
catch, just get better.

And don't worry about
the play rehearsal,

there's only one
Alice in Wonderland.

Carmine, please. Just
take care. Take care.

Don't be scared, Shirl.

We'll be back a little later
for a personal sponge bath.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Uh, they want me
to go. No, no, no, no,

no, I don't want
to be left alone,

Oh, don't worry.

Hey, hey, hey...

you never push the Mad Hatter.

Or else you won't get
invited to the tea party.

How do you feel? I feel fine.

I feel fine, why do I
have to stay here?

I want to go home, huh?

I'm trying to call your
mother. No, no, no, no!

Don't call them,
they're too far away,

and they're just going
to worry about me.

Worry? That's what
parents are for, to worry.

We worry when you're sick,
we worry when you're healthy.

And when you're sick,
we come to the hospital

and, you know, try
to take care of you,

so you'll be less scared.

And we hold your hand sometimes,

you know, let you
know how much we care.

And even if you're
not our real daughter,

we try to let you know
how much we love you.

I love you, Shirley.

I love you, too, Mr. DeFazio.

I'm going to wait
in the lobby, okay?

Okay. Call me "Pop."

Okay, Pop.

I'll wait outside.

Okay. Thank you.

"Nearest relative:

Pop DeFazio."

How did you get back in here?

Oh, I promised an orderly

I'd meet him in
the linen closet.

It's nothing, don't worry.

Listen, I'm feeling fine now.

Let's go home. No, no, no,

look, look, we're here already.

We're here already. Ow.

You got to let the
doctor look at you,

and then you'll know for sure.

Laverne, look at
all these people

waiting to see doctors.

I don't want to wait that long.

I just want to go
home. Okay, okay,

I'll get the doctor. Just
give me a minute, okay?

Count to 60. One, two,
three, four, five, six...

Come on, give me a break.

Put a couple of
Mississippis in there.

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi...

Are you a doctor?

All right now, don't
worry about your nose.

You weren't that good-looking
when you came in here.

Are you the doctor?

The Mad Hatter didn't
wear fishnet stockings.

But then she didn't
have your legs, either.

Thanks.

Uh, could you help my friend?

She's Alice in
Wonderland over there.

I'll get to her as
soon as I can.

But she's real sick.

I promise you, I will get to
your friend in one minute.

Stay put, stay there.
I'm going to get him.

Ooh!

Okay, I got him.

I got the doctor.

Well, I guess I can
see your friend now.

Good.

Get yourself up, there
she is, there you are.

Look at each
other, there you go.

Where does it hurt?

It hurts right here.

Thank you, but it's
usually preferable

if the patient tells me.

Now, where does it hurt?

It hurts right here.

Costume.

Hey, Shirl, I got a great story.

Ow! Ow!

Take it easy on her, huh?

I'm telling you, Doc,

you're going to have
to yank the appendix.

We leave the diagnosis to me.

You're going to have to yank it.

Yank it right out of there.

Yank it, just...

She happens to be right,

it is your appendix.

I want a second opinion.

It's your appendix.

I don't want your opinion.

I don't need your opinion.

I want another opinion.
Come on now, just take it easy.

Why don't you just relax now.

We're going to take
good care of you.

Nurse, get her
admitted and into a room.

Yes, Doctor.

Thanks a lot for
seeing her, Doc.

Isn't he nice?

He's a butcher.

He's not going to take
anything out you need.

Laverne, listen to
me, listen to me.

I promised myself I
would remain intact

until my wedding
night, if you read me.

Shirl, guys don't care if
you lose your appendix.

I know you're scared.

But you really
ain't got no choice.

That's exactly what
they told my Aunt Vera.

Huh? That it was just
a simple operation.

Wart removal.

It turned into a
nightmare, Laverne.

She died from wart removal?

Worse!

She lost all her hair.

The woman is bald.

What a wart that must have been.

It was ugly, it was ugly!

I'll bet it was ugly.
No, listen to me.

My Uncle Red left her.

She ended up working in the
Barnum and Bailey side show.

She's in the tent next to
JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy.

There, there, don't worry.

See, she's not alone,
she's got company.

I hear JoJo's a heck of a guy.

Ow! Ow!

Doctor, she's "ow" -ing!

We better operate right away.

That appendix could
rupture at any minute.

Squeeze my hand if it hurts.
Squeeze my hand if it hurts.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

She's "ow" -ing.

Right. Let's get her
down to O.R. right now.

I'm all right now really
though. Don't worry.

Can't I take a pill?

Laverne, please, please,
I don't want to do this.

I don't want to end
up in a freak show.

Don't worry, Shirl, don't worry.

I'll be waiting here for you.

And I'll be praying.

Shh! Shh!

Boy, that must've been
some big appendix.

No, that's just Shirley's
roommate. Oh, yeah?

She looks like the
mummy from the tomb.

Will you leave her alone?

Can't you see that she's sick?

Maybe she's just ugly.

Uh-huh.

Maybe you're just stupid.

No, that's not it.

Look, they're going
to bring Shirley up here

right after the operation.

Shh!

There's been a problem, Shirley
Feeney is... What's the matter?

Well, I'm afraid she's gone.

Gone?

She's gone?

She's gone!

Oh, I did it again!

I didn't mean passed away gone,

I meant disappeared gone. Sorry.

Sorry?

Don't, don't.
Don't kill a nurse.

It's bad luck.

Oh, my little heart.

I never touched it.

Boy, you hadn't ought to scare

sensitive people like that.

You could give
them the shingles.

I just don't understand it.

She just jumped off the
operating table and ran.

What's the big deal?
She'll turn up sooner or later.

It'd better be sooner.

Her appendix could
rupture any minute.

Don't worry, we'll find her.

Okay, everybody, spread out!

Shirley Feeney,
report to your room.

Can you see what
I've got to deal with?

Now, we got to search

this hospital from
top to bottom.

Oh, I'll take the top.

Aw, so that leaves
me with the bottom.

No, no, no, you stay here.

Uh, if Shirley comes
by, you grab her.

I'll take the bottom.

So you, uh, come here often?

I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So then my mother just kicked me

right out of the house.

The only thing I could
do was hit the road.

Pretty soon September
rolled around,

and, well, I had to go back
home to start third grade.

It was just about then that
I insulted my math teacher.

He said it was...
Excuse me, just a minute.

Where are my socks?

Don't try and stop me, Squiggy.

I'm getting out of here,

and ain't nobody gonna stop me.

Who wants to stop
you? Everybody.

Everybody, that's who.

I don't want to stop you.

Listen, Shirl, if those doctors

carve you up, you're a goner.

Don't I know it?

They're going to carve
me up over my dead body.

Now would you kind of
help me, just turn around

while I put my dress on?
What the heck are you doing?

What are you, crazy?
I've got to get out of here.

No, you put that dress on,

and with that wig, they'll
spot you in a second.

Oh, wait, wait.

I've got to lie
down for a minute.

All this running
around the hospital's

made me weak as a baby.

Oh, so now I've got to be
strong as a daddy, huh?

♪ Rock-a-bye baby,
on the tree top ♪

When the baby falls ♪

♪ The cradle, it rocks ♪

♪ Rock-a-bye,
baby, on a big rock ♪

♪ Rock a... ♪
Stop. Stop it.

I was just trying
to comfort you.

I know. I know.

Oh, Squiggy, what
am I going to do?

It hurts so much,
it hurts so much.

Well, of course
it hurts, it's pain.

That's what it's supposed to do.

Now, now, listen to me, woman.

And listen to me good.

When I was a kid... Mm-hmm?

All these doctors, they
told me I had the measles.

Yeah. Andy they wanted me
to take their lousy medicine.

And I said, "I won't take
your lousy medicine."

And I wouldn't take
their lousy medicine,

and I didn't take
their lousy medicine.

And what happened?

I got pneumonia.

But it only lasted 18 months.

And after that...
fresh as a daisy.

Well, that's just
a terrible story.

Thank you.

I mean, that's a horrible story.

Mm-hmm, it is, yeah. Why
are you telling me all this?

Because, what
I'm telling you is,

I wouldn't let them doctors
bully me into getting better,

and I don't expect
that you'd let them

bully you into
getting better either.

Even if the doctors were right?

Especially if they was right.

Look, I know you
better than those people.

You know, Shirl, I
never told you this,

but I've always
thought of you as...

as the female Squiggy.

Let's just keep that
to ourselves, okay?

People will talk, I
understand, yeah.

Hey, Lenny, keep
looking! There they are!

Okay, get me under the bed!

No, you're panicking enough.

Forget under the bed,
get into the bathroom.

Here don't worry
about, I'll handle this.

I'll cover for you. All right.

Is she down there?

She ain't in the
ladies' locker room.

Well, come over here, hurry up.

Hurry up.

She's got to come back
here sooner or later.

There's Shirl.

What are we... Shirl.

Oh, my roommate,
Laverne, is here.

Hello, Laverne.

Squiggy, what are you doing?

Oh, don't flatter me
by calling me Squiggy.

I'm very scared, oh, Laverne.

Squiggy, where is Shirley?

I'm Shirley.

Where is Shirley?

Tell me where she is.

Where is Shirley? Here I am.

Here I am.

Shirl, what are you doing?

You could hurt your little self.

I'm ready to have
my operation now.

Len, go call the doctor. Right.

Doctor!

Real good, Len.

Now, why'd you do that?

You had me so scared.

I thought I was going to
lose the best friend I ever had.

Well, I thought
about it, and I figured

you know, if I go bald, I can
always wear a wig, right? And

besides, this sweet creature
helped show me the light.

You see, he had the measles

and it turned into
pneumonia, 18 months.

She's getting delirious,
hurry up and get the doctor.

Doctor!

The doctor's here.

Everything is going to be okay.

Okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

Everything will be just fine.

Fabian.

Fabe... Oh, Fabian.

Shirl, are you awake?

Where am I?

Am I in heaven?

No, no, you're in the hospital.

It's all over, you made it.

Really, I'm okay?

Yeah. I can't believe that I...

I'm not okay!

I'm bald!

How come she sleeps so much?

A person needs a lot
of rest after an operation.

Hey, don't worry.
She's doing fine.

You know, you do real good work.

Nothing to it.

All I had to do was,
yank the appendix.

Yeah, I want to thank
you a lot, Dr. Lawler.

Call me Kevin.

Kevin.

Can I listen again? Sure.

Thump-thump, thump-thump,

thump-thump. You
know, Laverne, uh...

Thump-thump. If
you're not busy Tuesday,

I thought maybe we could go out.

Thump-thump-thump-
thump-thump-thump-thump.

Does that mean yes?

Oh, that was a definite yes.

I need to get something
before I can leave here.

You got it.

Wow, that was nice.

But, uh, what I really
needed was, uh...

Now? In front of these people?

No, what I needed
was my stethoscope.

Oh, here, sure.

I'm so embarrassed, I thought...

Don't be, I liked it.

Listen, uh...

why don't we move
that date up to Monday?

You got my heart
pounding pretty good, too.

By all rights, that should
have been my date.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪