Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Bridal Shower - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

All right, attention,
ladies and gentlemen.



Important announcement
to be made.

Don't nobody do
nothing Saturday night,

because that is the
night when my boy here,

Lenny Kosnowski,

will attempt to break
the Milwaukee's

world marshmallow-
stuffing record.

It'll be held across the
street from the planetarium.

You're all invited.

Tickets are 12 bucks.

Do your exercises.

Come on, pick up those gums!

Doom, dappy-dum!

Pick up those gums!

Doom, dappy-dum!
Pick up those gums...

Hey, where's Laverne and
Shirley? I don't see them.

They're working late
down at the brewery.

They'll be here, don't worry.

Oh, hey look, Mr. DeFazio, uh,

I've been singing here
eight Friday nights in a row.

How do you like my voice?

Hey...

When you go upstairs
with the high note,

then you come down,

and run around
and go here and...

especially when... I don't know.

I forgot it was Couples' Night.

We'll just get a pizza to go

and we'll take it home.

Okay.

Uh, one Italian wheel,
hold the anchovies

and put shoes on it,
it's going for a walk.

I want anchovies on mine.

Okay.

Uh, let the fish
swim on half of it.

Hi, girls.

Hey, I heard some good
news about that old club

you girls used to be
in, the Angry Debs?

Angora. Angora Debs.

Whatever, whatever.

One of them's getting married.

Married?! Who? Which one?

Who? Who's getting married?

Think, think, think. Who in the
Angora Debs is still not married?

Well, uh, there's you.

There's you.

All right.

And then there's,
uh... Elinor Stefanic.

Ah, that's the one!

Elinor Stefanic?!

Fat Elinor's getting married?!

Don't call her that.

Why? We all called her that.

She was...

Well, the poor thing was
cursed with a low metabolism

and a sluggish thyroid.

Yeah, and the
appetite of ten men.

Fat Elinor's getting married.

I remember the time in
high school I ran all over town

trying to get her a date
for the junior prom...

Oh, yes, and she ended
up going with Squiggy.

Yeah, and then she
was on the dance floor

and he was dipping her?

Oh, yeah, and the
punch bowl broke.

Yeah, that was the one. Geez!

She had rough times, but now

she's getting married
ahead of you girls.

Yeah.

Hey, I remember that group.

There was about
25 girls in it, right?

And they're all married except
you two... you're still single.

Yeah. Well... "Que Sera Sera."

You know the song, Carmine.

Why don't you go
sing it to yourself?

I would, but I got to
learn this Italian song

for Laverne's father there.

Didn't that just burn
you up, what he said?

Oh, you mean about Fat Elinor
getting married before us? Yes.

No, no... Elinor's
getting married?

Yeah.

The uh, uh... Yeah, mm-hmm.

You know her father from
the Knights of Columbus.

Yeah. A real dumbbell.

He can't give
change for a nickel.

He was the ice cream man.

He's going to have
grandchildren?

What do I got? Pizza.

Don't worry, I'll give
you grandchildren!

Oh, not now, not soon... later.

When I... can.

Are you sure that it
doesn't bother you...

No, no, nothing bothers
me. That's an old argument.

We always yell:

"Grandchildren, grandchildren."

All that man wants out of life

is something that cries,
burps, and wets its pants.

Hello!

Listen, uh,

you girls can help
us, we can help you.

Seeing it's Couples'
Night and we're a couple,

you're a couple,

uh, we thought
maybe you lonely ladies

would like to make believe
that we asked you out on a date

to take you here
to the Pizza Bowl

and we could, uh,
get a pizza half-price.

What do you say, huh?

We already get
our pizza free here.

Oh, I don't see you with
no boyfriends or nothing.

Well, we could've had a
date if we'd wanted one.

We had to work late or
we could have had a date.

That's right, we could've
had millions of dates.

Okay, it's okay, you don't
got to chew my nose out.

What are you doing?

When I talk to girls,

don't stick your
fingers in your mouth.

This is road work.

That's bridge work!

This is road work.

Up, and a-two, and a-one...

Let's go home; the
pizza's getting cold.

Right.

I'm just so glad about Elinor.

Me, too, I'm just so happy.

Happy.

Okay. All right.

Ha-ha-ha, I've got it.

Lookie here, look at this,

this picture of the Angora Debs.

Oh, look, there's me.

Not you.

Anne Marie.

Still single.

Not married.

She's a nun.

She married God.

Talk about your
landing Mr. Right.

Face it, we are
the only Debs left

who have not landed
a man. No, we are not.

No, we are not. I
refuse to accept that!

There must be somebody else.

Let's see, okay, what
about old what's-her-name?

What's-her-name? Who's
her name? What's-her-name?

You know, that girl that was
in the club for five minutes

and we kicked
her out on her can?

What was her name?

Oh, the one with
the big ears. Right!

Uh, Mary Jane
Acalino. Right! Right!

Remember? She stole
the club's polio fund money?

And, uh, then she graduated
from high school with honors,

and then she went
straight to prison.

What about her, hmm? Now...

tell me she's married.

She's married.

Him again?

No, a reformed axe murderer.

Well, I guarantee you

that we will do
better than convicts.

I certainly hope so.

Who is it?

It's Edna Babish.

Hi, Mrs. Babish.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but Lenny and Squiggy
just flooded their bathroom.

They were having boat races.

Again?

Listen,

can I check the
ceiling in the bathroom?

Oh, sure, go right ahead.

Oh, listen, I got your
mail on the way out.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Eh, junk.

Junk. Junk.

Wait, this ain't junk,

it's my renewal to
True Confessions.

Uh-oh... What, a bill?

Nope, it's an invitation
to Elinor's bridal shower.

When is it? Maybe we're busy.

It's a week from today.

Not busy.

And it's being held

at Big Rosie Greenbaum's place.

Oh, well, that does it.

I ain't going to
her house again.

Mm, I know just how you feel.

I feel the same way.

Last time was bad enough.

This time she's going
to have a heyday,

crawling all over our
backs 'cause we're single.

Yeah, she's really going to
cram that down our throat,

just 'cause she hates us.

She hates you more
than she hates me

because every time
you two get together

it ends in a regular punch-out.

Well, I take her, don't I?

Oh, you take her, and
it looks just wonderful,

the two of you rolling
around on the floor

like a couple of
great fur balls.

I hate it.

Oh, go on, you love it.

I don't! I don't! You
love it, you love it.

Who is this Rosie person?

She sounds like a charmer.

Oh, she's, uh,
this obnoxious girl

we went to high school with.

We were all in the same
club: the Angora Debs.

What have you got
against this Rosie person?

Oh, well, she's been
up on her high horse

ever since she
married a proctologist.

Yeah.

She really grabbed
the brass ring.

Anyway, she thinks
she's better than us.

Listen, there's a
Rosie in every crowd.

No, this one's one of a kind.

I'm telling you, she's having
this bridal shower here,

and we just ain't going.

Who's getting married?

Oh, this good friend
of ours, Elinor Stefanic.

Yeah, she's real
sweet; we like her.

Let me get this straight...

You don't want to go to
this nice Elinor's shower

because you hate Rosie.

Right.

Well... Well, it's
your decision.

Listen, I got to go bail
Lenny and Squiggy out.

I may have to call
the Coast Guard.

Oh, their number is KL5-4326.

Thank you.

I don't understand
any of my tenants.

She's right, you know.

This is the high
point of Elinor's life.

All right, then we go?

Yeah, I guess. Yes.

Okay. But I'm telling you,
if Rosie starts in on me,

I'm going to give her...

No, you are not to hit
her at a bridal shower.

I'm not? No!

I'm going to wait
for her in the hall?

No!

I'm going to get
her in the alley?

The alley is the proper place.

Good.

Hey, Rosie, the door.

I got it, I got it.

Okay, okay.

Well... Shirley.

Rose.

De Fazio.

Greenbaum. Hiya, Crystal.

Hi, Shirl! Hi, Laverne!

You know, everybody was
figuring you guys wouldn't show,

but I told them.

I says, hey, what
else they got to do,

sit home and play old maid?

Ow!

Just kidding.

You look nice, Shirley.
That's a cute top.

Oh, thanks, Rose.

Woolworth's. $2.98, right?

Yeah, I remember when
you used to work there.

You still remember
all the stock, huh?

No... now, now, ladies!

No, no, no!

Not at Elinor's shower.

Rose, where's Elinor?

Hey, Elinor!

Get over here and
show 'em your bones.

I'll be back in a minute.

I promised Cookie
she could try on my fox.

Hey, Cook!

Laverne... Oh, Shirley!

How are you?

Elinor? Is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

What happened to
the other half of you?

I lost 114 pounds.

You know, I never even
realized you were tall.

Boy, Cookie looked
real tough in my fox.

I'm going to let you
try it on later, De Fazio.

I don't want to.

I'll take her turn at it.

Okay, enough of this.

Listen up, ladies.

You, too, De Fazio.

Elinor's going to
open up the goods

just as soon as I show
her the cake I bought her.

Cost 15 bucks.

15 bucks for a cake?

What do you suppose is in it?

Hot air.

Hey, you two, come on over,
I got to show you something.

Oh, hi, Crystal.

Hi, Susie. Hi, Susie.

Look. Oh... Baby pictures.

Baby pictures.

And...

Oh, I know what
that means... ha-ha!

Cake in the oven, right?

So, Laverne, what's shaking?

I don't know.

Anything special?

Huh?

Are you going with
anybody special?

Oh, well, they're all special.

Hey, I really thought

it was going to work out
between you and Harold.

Who? Harold!

The guy I fixed you
up with last year.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, I didn't like him much.

He, uh, he had a habit of picking
his teeth with his steak knife,

something I personally
don't care for.

He got married.

Hey, but don't worry,
I'll find someone for you.

Oh!

Oh, call a doctor.

No, it's nothing.

The kid's kicking again.

Oh.

Yeah, kid's beating the
old drum again, eh, Crystal?

Well... maybe she'll let you two

feel it a little later,

kind of as a
special favor to me.

Ogden and me are
going to be godparents.

She chose me, you know,

'cause I'm going to do
that kid a lot of good.

Especially at Halloween.

Oh, okay, ladies,

Elinor's going to
open the presents now.

Oh, good.

And I'll get a pencil and paper

so you can write down
who gave you what.

So, in years to come, you can
remember who gave you garbage

and who gave you
something small but elegant.

Laverne, would you
make the bow bouquet?

You always make it so pretty.

Oh, sure.

She ought to make them pretty,

she's been coming to enough
of our showers, eh, De Fazio?

Watch it.

I got a scissors here.

Hey, relax.

I'm sorry, I keep forgetting

how touchy you and Shirley are,

'cause you missed the boat.

Uh, you ought to
know a lot about boats.

You took on the
whole Seventh Fleet.

Hey, I don't have to take
that kind of talk from a person

who can't find a man
because she's a bimbo.

Bimbo?

Yeah.

Bimbo.

Excuse me.

Do you have anything
without a... Whoa!

No! No! No, ladies, ladies!

I can't leave you
alone for two seconds?

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself at a bridal shower.

And you, squaring off
in your own apartment.

She drowned my fox.

She called me a bimbo.

All right, clear the room,
move the couch back,

pick up the gifts, all the
valuables up against the wall.

Come on.

All right, it's about
time you two...

How could you do
something like this?!

Never mind that, never
mind that, never mind that.

Just leave it there.

It floats; it floats... there.

Okay, Greenbaum, I'm
waiting here. Come on.

All right, all right, wait a
second, wait a second.

I already lost a fox.

What do you think, I'm going
to wrestle in a $200 outfit?

No problem, I'll just
rip it right off you.

Come on, come on, come on there.

Touchy, touchy, touchy.

Move the couch back.

Okay, now, Big Rosie's
gonna overlook this

on account I'm
such a good hostess.

What?

You see this, girls?

When you're single, every
little thing makes you go berserk.

You gotta try harder
fixing them up.

Well, I sh... I should
know someone. Yeah.

Great, great.

Now they're
feeling sorry for us.

It's worse than
making fun of us.

All right, I say we beat
them up one at a time.

Except for Crystal...

We wait until after the baby
is born, then we jump her.

Okay, okay.

No, wait, I've
got a better idea.

Back me up here, back me up.

Uh, girls, uh, I'd like to
apologize; you're right.

I mean, being single
does make you a little edgy.

I mean, right now, I'm
juggling three guys at once,

and it's driving
me a little bit crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

And I'm a little nuts myself,

because I can't tell
when the lawyer calls me;

I think that it's
the football player,

and when the football
player calls me,

I get him mixed up
with the pilot, and...

Yeah, an-an-and the truth is,
we are a little jealous of you.

I mean, you get to come home

and be with the same
man night after night,

night after night.

Yeah, right.

And we're just a little tired

'cause we don't
get enough sleep.

You know, always being
drug out to the movies

and, uh... And
you get to sit home

in the exact same room,

night after night after night.

And all that restaurant food,

you know... a different
foreign restaurant every night.

French and Italian...

Yeah, and you lucky
girls get to make

those wonderful
home-cooked meals...

Night after night after night.

They eat restaurant food.

The closest I get
to a restaurant

is when Floyd brings home
Chinese in a paper bag.

Huh, you're lucky; I gotta
go pick up my own bag.

You think you got problems.

You ought to try living
with a proctologist.

It ain't easy.

My Ogden, he couldn't
just be a dermatologist,

no, he had to follow a dream.

And you know when he's home,

he spends half the
time in the garage.

I never see him; I have
to bring his dinner there.

Boy, they sure
are miserable, huh?

Yeah, we really did it.

Yeah, we sure did, didn't we.

Uh-oh, maybe we
did it a little too well.

Look at Elinor.

Oh, boy.

We better get over there

and talk to her before
she hocks her ring.

Okay. Ellie?

Ellie, I hope you didn't take

what we said, you know...

Yeah, we were really
shoveling it there.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Listen, listen, I know
what you were doing.

You had to take
Rosie down a few pegs.

And the rest of them
were treating you

like, you know,
you were pathetic

just 'cause you're single.

So we didn't shake
you up or anything?

Oh, no. I mean, I know

that single ain't perfect
and married ain't perfect.

Even Stanley ain't
perfect, but I love him.

Then why do you got
such a long, sad face?

Well, this ain't exactly

the greatest bridal
shower I ever saw.

I can fix that in a
shake of a lamb's tail.

Come here, ladies.

What?

♪ Angora Debs, forever true ♪

♪ We'll stand
together, two by two ♪

♪ And if we must part ♪

♪ We pledge from the heart ♪

♪ Whatever goes ♪

♪ Whatever comes ♪

♪ We shall remain Angora chums ♪

♪ The long years
won't rend us apart. ♪

We got an A, N, G-O-R-A.

We got an A, N, G-O-R-A.

Ya got an A, N, G-O-R-A.

Angora Debs.

Hot stuff!

All in all, diary, it's
been quite a day.

I don't really blame
Rosie Greenbaum,

She can't help showing off,

and I figure,
forgive and forget.

Laverne is looking forward
to seeing Rosie again...

so she can peel her head off.

I hope you're writing in there

how Rosie Greenbaum
backed down on me.

My diary does not
care about such things.

Oh, yeah? Well, I...

Girls! You gotta help him!

Lenny was one
marshmallow from the record,

when suddenly, his mouth jammed!

Well, do something, will you?
- Well...

He's got 39 marshmallows
locked in his cheeks.

Well, I don't know
what to do about a man

in that kind of condition.

Give me the car keys.

Uh, we'll take
him to the hospital.

Well, you seem pretty
upset... You sure you can drive?

No, maybe I can't. Here,
Lenny, why don't you drive?

Boy, he really gave
it a shot, didn't he?

He sure did, and Lenny
doesn't even like marshmallows.

I know, I do.

Have another.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪