Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 22 - Lonely at the Middle - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Hey, Shirl, listen to this.

"and then he touched her in..."

She can't hear me in the shower.

"and then he touched
her in a secret place

that set her heart on fire."

Oh.

"She looked into his eyes
and he whispered those words

that she longed to hear..."

Quick! Get me a Band-Aid.

A Band-Aid, I need
a Band-Aid, Laverne.

Band-Aid... will you sit down.

What did you do this time?

Well, me and Squiggy were
making signs for the strike... Yeah?

And I kind of stapled myself.

Don't... you're not going to
put burny stuff on it, are you?

Do I look like I've got burny
stuff? Don't put no burny stuff...

There's no burny
stuff, it's a Band-Aid.

Give me that finger.

Stop being such a baby.

You're stretching the flesh.

Stop being such a baby.

There...

What do you think
of the sign here?

"Schotz Management dates pigs."

That tells a story.

Notice how I dotted the
"I" with my own blood, huh?

I think that ought to get us
a two cents an hour raise.

Uh, I hate to break
this to you, Len,

but you wasted your
blood for nothing.

They settled without a strike.

How do you know?

Because Big Henry called me

and told me we got
our two cents raise,

that's how I
know, it's all over.

Oh, I missed it.

Now what am I going
to do with this sign?

Uh, why don't you save
it for the company picnic?

That's a good idea.

Boy, personally,
I'm glad it's over.

I don't think I could go
through another one.

How come?

Because last year
during the strike,

Shirley and I got into the
biggest fight we ever had.

We almost killed each other.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I'll never forget that morning,

we got to work and everybody
was talking about the strike.

That's all they were saying.

Strike meeting today.

Hey, there's a strike
meeting this morning.

Hey, there's a strike
meeting this morning.

Does management care
about us little people?

No!

And what about Tightwad
Thompkins, "Mr. Big Shot"?

Does he ride a bus and hang
from a strap each morning?

No!

Do you like getting grabbed
on your way to work every day?

No!

Well, I sort of...
Strike tomorrow!

Yeah!

Wait a minute.

Isn't there something we can do

besides going out
on strike again?

No.

I mean, every year,
we go out on strike,

and what do we end up with?

Picketing in the
middle of blizzards.

And what do we get?

A five-cent raise
that doesn't make up

for the money we lose by
going out on strike to begin with.

I mean, couldn't we
send a representative

to talk to Thompkins?

One of the people, one of us...

A member of the rank and file.

Somebody big enough
to stand up to that tyrant.

Yeah!

I nominate Shirley Feeney.

No!

You know, something
must be happening.

She's been with
Thompkins for two hours.

Maybe she doesn't
know we're here.

Oh, no, I left a
note on her locker.

Henry, you're eating us
out of house and home here.

We didn't even
get our raise yet.

Ta-da!

Oh, there you are,
how did it go, huh?

Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Mr. Thompkins is a regular guy.

We talked, we laughed, he
showed me photographs...

Great, did we get
our raise or what?

Well, not quite.

What do you mean, not quite?

Well, Warren... I
mean, Mr. Thompkins,

came up with a wonderful idea.

He said that if we
get somebody in there

to organize our work, then
our work output would be more,

and he could see his way
clear to give us our raise.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

I don't want no guy
who knows diddly-poo

about bottle-capping
telling me what to do, huh?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

That's the beauty
of this whole thing.

It won't be some stranger guy.

It will be one of us.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Me.

Yes. He made me supervisor.

Isn't it perfect?

Don't you see
how perfect this is?

We'll be like one
big happy team.

Wait a second, wait a second.

What you mean is,

we don't get a raise,
and you get a promotion.

Well, now, Henry, that's
one way of looking at it.

Another way of looking at it...

Another way of looking
at is, you get a promotion,

and we don't get a raise.

Now, now, that is
another way of looking at it,

however there is a
middle road here...

I say, let's lynch her!

No, no, hold on here.

No lynching here,
it's in our lease.

Then how about
giving her a nuggie?

No, no, no. No nuggies.

Put your nuggie
away, put it away,

put it in your
pocket and sit down.

Go ahead, no nuggie...
Get away from her.

Okay, now all she's trying to do

is get us our raise without
going out to strike, huh?

That's right! That's
what Thompkins...

Would you shut up, huh?

Do you want a nuggie now? No.

Do you want it now? No.

Okay, then shut up.

Now I say we give
her a chance, huh?

I say we back her, huh?

What do you say? Come on...

She does look kind.

Yeah she does, look at
those apple cheeks, huh?

Well, we'll try it. Oh, great.

And then if it doesn't work,
we'll break her legs, okay?

Don't break my
legs. How can I work?

You'll limp a little, it'll
be fine. Limp a little?

Will Laverne De Fazio
please report to labeling.

And uh, this will be my chair.

Now this will be our
suggestion box... Mr. Happy.

Excuse me, Mr. Thompkins,
could I just... thank you.

You'll notice that Mr. Happy
is in the shape of a smile.

That's to remind us
that a smiling worker

is a happy worker.

And a happy worker
is a productive worker.

Very good!

She made that up all by herself.

Now, if any of you
should have a suggestion

while we're not at work,

please feel free to call
me at home, day or night.

Fine. Isn't that a good idea?

Very nice, Miss Feeney.

Thank you, Mr. Thompkins,
thank you very much.

Now, I would like
to discuss with you

my worker of the week program.

For this program, I will
need a 5x7 photograph

of each and every one of you.

The worker of the week

will have their
picture posted here.

Now uh, I know that
this is a picture of me,

but it's just an example

to sort of get the old
program kicked off, you know?

So, uh... let's get
to work, shall we?

Come on.

What's Laverne doing
out of bottle capping?

Ah... ah... I'm very glad
you asked me that, Iris.

As you know, this
is where we put on

the Schotz golden
seal of approval.

Now, it is very important that
this seal be placed correctly.

Many of you may not know this,

but Laverne De Fazio

was golden seal
labeler of the year,

two years in a row.

Okay.

So I've asked her here
to show us her stuff.

Laverne?

Well, it's been a while,

but I guess it's like
riding a bicycle, huh?

Well I would like you
to show us, step by step.

Okay.

I take the bottle from here.

One!

Then, I pick up the brush. Two!

Then I pick up the seal.

Three! Four!
Then I wet the seal.

Put the brush back.
Pick up the bottle. Five!

Six! Put the seal on.

Seven! Eight! And
put the bottle back.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you, Laverne.

Eight steps. Yeah.

Very good.

But it could be better.

Here, I'll show you.

Why did you call me in
here to make fun of me for?

Shut up. There's a
method to my madness.

Oh.

Wet!

Lift!

Stick.

Return!

Four steps. Four
instead of eight.

That will save us weeks
over the course of a year.

Let's all try it, shall we?

Uh, come on.

Goggles in place.

Goggles in place.
Goggles in place.

Repeat after me.

Wet. Wet.

Lift. Lift.

Stick. Stick.

Return. Return.

Wet. Wet.

Lift. Lift.

Stick. Return. Stick. Return.

Very good, now
practice that on your own,

I'm going over to capping.

Wet! Wet.

Lift! Lift.

Stick! Stick.

Return! Return.

This is ridiculous.
Stupid, I say.

Things went well
today, didn't they?

They were ready to kill
you by the end of the day.

I was only doing my job.

But it didn't stop there, no.

What are you doing?
Are you listening to me?

Yeah, I'm listening,
but hold on a second.

"Then he touched her
in a secret place." Yeah.

Now where do you think
that was... the basement?

Sorry.

Okay, go on with your story.

Shirley started getting worse.

I mean, she started
getting to me at home

telling me how to
drink my milk and Pepsi.

So every time you wanted a sip,

all you had to do was this.

Give me that, will you.

Helpful Hannah, that's just
what I need, I'm not at work now,

I can do anything I want,
I can sit any way I please.

Was there something else,

Madame Feeney, huh?

Well, now that you
mention it, all right, Laverne.

Look at the way you set
your hair, I mean look at it.

If you'd just brush your
bangs out while they're wet

there'd be no
need for this tape.

Ow!

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

You know, you're getting
carried away with this job?

You're going crazy there, Shirl.

Another perfect
example of wastefulness.

There is no need for the
word "there" in that sentence.

You could have simply said,
"You're going crazy, Shirl."

And come to think
about it, I know my name,

so you could have simply
said, "You're going crazy."

In fact, you could have just
pointed at me and said, "Crazy."

See how much time you save?

I'm going to do something

that's going to make
you real proud of me.

Oh, what's that?

I'm going to get up from
this chair, Mm-hmm?

And I'm going to
go into the kitchen.

Taking the shortest
route possible.

Dropping my magazine as I go.

Putting my glass down,
with my right hand,

opening the
refrigerator with my left,

keeping the right hand
free, so that I can...

No! Don't you do
it! Don't you do it!

You're repeating
yourself, 50% waste.

Oh, no.

You wouldn't dare.

Laverne...

Not only was that not nice,

but it was a waste of a
perfectly good butter cake.

Good morning.

Good morning, Iris.
Good morning, Henry.

Where's Laverne?

Didn't she come with you?

Miss De Fazio
decided to take the bus

in to work this morning.

You know how fond
she is of being grabbed.

Morning, Iris.

How ya doing there,
Henry? Hey, hi, Laverne.

All right, today, we're
going to try something

a little different.

Instead of using Plan G,

which is on which page
of my booklet, Henry?

Seven.

That's correct.

We're going to be using
Plan F, which is where, Iris?

Page eight.

16... study it.

This way, I can
get a better picture

of your individual output,
which is so important

to my determining
worker of the week.

Who did this?

Who put this mustache
on my picture?

Never mind.

I'll find out.

I'll question each
and every one of you

individually later.

All right, goggles in place.

And... begin.

Working.

Aw, and it doesn't stick.

Henry.

Henry, would you
please tell Miss De Fazio

that she's fallen far
behind in her work?

Uh, Shirley says that you're
falling far behind in your work.

Tell Miss Feeney I
do things my own way.

Uh, Laverne says she
does things her own way.

Please tell Miss De
Fazio that it is not her place

to do things her own way.

Tell Miss Feeney I have

a suggestion for
her involving my fist.

All right, everyone.

Wet, lift,

stick, return. Wet,
lift, stick, return,

Wet, lift, stick, return,

Wet, lift, stick, return.

Productivity means a raise.

Wet, lift, stick, return.
Wet, lift, stick, return.

Faster, faster, faster, faster.

We're going as fast as we can.

Faster, faster! Come on!

We're going as fast as
we can! You want it fast?

I'll give you fast.

Hey, what's this?

I'm not an octopus, you know.

Hey! Hey!

Huh? Hey!

Laverne, I think you should
take your break right now.

Take a break?

I would love to take
a break, Miss Feeney.

As a matter of fact,

I'd like to take a break
forever, out of this department,

out of seeing you.

So long.

Oh. I hope they
pack you in a box,

and ship you off to Des Moines!

You wanted to see
me, Miss Feeney?

Yes, Miss De Fazio.

Won't you step into
my office for a moment?

Okay, honey,
come on, right here.

Aw, come on. Come
on, come on, come on!

You know I can take you.
Come on, come on, you!

Come on! Okay, okay!

Come on. Right here.

Stop running around! Stand
still! I'm not running around!

Come on. Stop running around.

Stand still, all right?!

Come on! Come on.

Oh, gee, you think
you know judo?

Come on! Come on,
come on, come on.

Oh... I can't fight...

Oh, don't start with me! Okay.

Ah! Mr. Thompkins. Whoa...

Uh, she had a cough
drop stuck in her...

Did it come out?

Yeah, we're trying
to punch it out, there.

I see.

Thank you, thank
you, Miss De Fazio.

I'd like to speak to
Miss Feeney a moment.

Alone.

Oh, sure.

Yes.

Mr. Thompkins, won't
you step into my office?

Chair?

Miss Feeney, I've just been
reading some of your reports.

I must say, they're
very impressive.

Oh, why thank
you, Mr. Thompkins.

I'm just doing my job.

Enough material here
for a Ph.D. in labeling.

: Oh, go on, you flatter me.

Unfortunately, the
productivity of your group

is down about 20 percent.

Yes! I'm aware of that.

You see, it's part of a
master plan that I have...

I'm sorry, Miss
Feeney, but I'm afraid

we're going to have to
discontinue the experiment.

You mean you're firing me?

Well, let me put
it this way: Yes.

But only from supervising.

You can go back on the line.

Where are you going?

Eh, this story is starting
to depress me a little bit.

Wait, I haven't finished it.

There's a better part
where at the end, when I...

You don't want to hear it.

Well, look, I got to go down

to a secret place
and, uh, do my laundry.

Get out of here.

He comes down,
asks for a Band-Aid,

you give him a
Band-Aid, you start a story,

you don't get
to finish it and...

Who was that?

Oh, that was Lenny. Oh.

I was just telling him
about last year's strike.

You promised
never to mention that.

We swore we would never,
ever, ever, talk about that.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

It just sort of fell
out of my mouth.

Well, can't it just fall
back into your mouth?

Oh... I didn't get to finish it.

Good.

How far did you get?

Uh, up to the part where
Mr. Thompkins fired you.

That's all the way to the end.

No, it's not. It is.

No, it's not! It's all
the way to the end.

No, I didn't tell how
heartbroken you were.

Yes.

Shirl, you can't go
on sitting like that.

Your knees are gonna cramp.

I'm punishing myself.

What for?

Because I hate myself.

Well, that's a good reason.

Cream and sugar? No, thanks.

It's part of my punishment.

Would you forget
about it, it's over.

I can't forget about it.

I made things worse.

Look, you tried,
though, didn't you?

Didn't you try your
little heart out?

You didn't even want
that job to begin with.

You just took it 'cause you
thought you could get us

a raise without going
out on strike, right?

But I didn't get us a raise.

And I made everybody mad at me.

Oh, they're not mad at you.

Oh, they're mad at me.
They're not mad at you.

They're mad at me. They're
mad at me. Nobody's mad at you.

Nobody is mad at you.

So they're mad at you, so what?

They'll get over it.

Come on, I'm not mad at you.

And you know something?

I wasn't even really
mad at you before.

If you wasn't even
really mad at me before,

then why did you do this?

Because I was mad
at you before, I lied.

Look, but it comes
right off, here, look.

I just taped it on, see?

It's just a little old mustache.

Look, see, it's on me now, huh?

Look, now it's off.

Forgive and forget, huh?

They'll never forgive me.

Oh, sure they
will. No, they won't.

Sure they will. They won't.

Look, you'll make it
up to them, that's all.

You start by sending big
Henry a case of Hershey bars.

He'll forget like that.

I can't.

Sure you can.

I can't, I can't. Come
on, Shirl, come on.

You always bounce back.

Where's that old spunk, huh?

Shirl, you're giving up.

And that's not like you.

Here you are, lying with
your head on the table,

looking like a dead salmon.

Come on, you can do it.

No.

Come on. No, I can't.

You always tell me I can, huh?

I can't.

I just can't.

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can move
a rubber tree plant? ♪

♪ Anyone knows an ant can't ♪

♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪

♪ But he has ♪

What? ♪ High hopes ♪

♪ He's got high hopes ♪

♪ He's got high
apple pie in the... ♪

♪ Sky hopes ♪

♪ And anytime
you're feeling blue ♪

♪ Just remember... ♪

♪ That ant ♪

What?

♪ Whoops, there goes
another rubber tree ♪

♪ Whoops, there goes
another rubber tree ♪

♪ Whoops, there goes
another rubber tree plant. ♪

Hello.

Have we got the song for you.

If we ever go out on strike,

we got just the song
for you. Just the song.

♪ You got to strike
while the Union is hot ♪

♪ You got to get all
the money they got ♪

♪ When the bosses
say to stick it ♪

♪ You must stand
right up and picket ♪

♪ You must strike
while the Union is hot ♪

♪ You got to grab
every scab by the hair ♪

♪ Just to make sure
he knows that you care ♪

♪ For this world is
made of money ♪

♪ And wouldn't it be funny ♪

♪ If we struck while
the Union is hot? ♪

Say what?

♪ If we strike while
the Union is hot ♪

I hear you!

♪ If we strike while
the Union is hot ♪

Now, everybody!

♪ If we strike while
the Union is hot ♪

Get out!

♪ If we strike while
the Union is hot ♪

Good-bye!

♪ If we strike while
the Union is hot. ♪

Oh!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪