Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 21 - Haunted House - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Will you give it up
with that couch?

That couch has had it.

Hey, there's nothing
wrong with this couch

that a couple of
bricks can't fix.

Give me one of them.

You cannot put bricks
in this apartment,

it'll spoil the decor.

Well, what would you
suggest, Miss Decorator?

I think we should
buy a new couch.

Something provincial
Chinese modern

would be nice.

Shirl, I hate to tell you this,

but we can't afford
anything nice.

Well, I can dream, can't I?

Well, you may not have to.

There we go, see? Terrible.

Sit on the arm and
everything, it's as good as new.

"Good as new." This ain't funny.

"Good as new." This ain't funny.

You look like a little
turtle on its back there.

Would you stop it and
get me out of here?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't break the turtle's legs!

All right, okay.

All right, on three, give
me your hands. Okay.

One... One.

Two... Oh! Two.

Three...

Real good.

I think it's the springs.

Yeah, it's something,
it's something.

Come in.

Say, uh, girls!

Hey, what happened here?

You look like a couple
of turtles on their backs.

I think we're aware
of that, Carmine.

So, this is what the
poor people do for fun.

Don't knock it if
you haven't tried it.

Want to help us out here?
Yeah, you take DeFazio,

I'll get Feeney, she's lighter.

Ow, ow, ow. Rose,
Rose, Rose, thank you.

Oh, I think I hurt
something I may need.

Oh, you getting a little chunky

around the old
seater, eh, DeFazio?

Uh, what was
that, Jell-O thighs?

Well, you practically
needed a fork lift

to get out of the couch there.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, uh, I didn't know
Goodyear made leotards.

Don't do that.

Carmine, Carmine, Carmine...

What brings you and Rosie here?

Oh, uh, I just came by to get

my Xavier Cugat
records I loaned you.

Oh, darn, I forgot
to give them back.

Yeah, I'm giving Big
Rosie here dance lessons.

Private lessons, if
you know what I mean.

Carmine here
says I got potential.

And money.

Even though you don't
deserve it, DeFazio,

I'm going to show you a
couple of my new steps anyway.

Oh, good.

Hey!

Yeah.

Isn't she terrific?

So, what do you think?

Oh, you think that's so smooth?

Watch this.

Eh!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

You got her, dead to rights.

Yes, you're Shirley Temple,
she's the Masonic Temple.

We got more important
things to discuss than dancing.

What are we going
to do about our sofa?

Hey, look, uh, maybe I can help.

I got some friends doing some
demolition work across town,

and, uh, they said the
people that own the building

are selling all the
furniture real cheap.

Oh, that sounds like your speed.

Oh. Oh, no, no.

Uh, we're going to
buy something new.

Yeah, we're getting a couch

from a modern Chinese person.

Oh, I got you, I got you.

Come on, isn't it about time
for my lesson, Beefcakes?

Yeah, your lesson.

Uh, you got the
records for us? Oh, yeah.

Laverne, what did you
do with those records?

You were the last one doing
the Abbe Lane impersonation.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I put them here

right on top of Johnny Mathis.

There it is. You
put Cugat on top

of the best make-out
music in the world, Shirl?

Would you come on here?

Just give this to him,
will you, and be quiet?

Well, I guess I'll be
shuffling off, buffaloes.

Can she talk?

Well, uh, seeing
that Rosie's gone, uh,

here, here's the address.

It's, uh, you know,
a furniture sale.

You can pick up
some good bargains.

Thanks, Carmine.
Thanks, Carmine.

Come on, beefcakes,
my time is your money!

Yeah, that bimbo's
got a lot of it.

I'm coming, Ginger!

Okay, we got ourselves a couch,

now let's get going. Oh, great.

Great. 3714 Ardmore,
top of the hill...

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, wait a minute,

I'm not going here.

Do you know where
this is? Where?

The old Ramsdale Manor.

So?

So?! It's haunted.

My brothers warned
me about that place

when I was a little girl.

Shirl, your brothers also
warned you about petting,

and that didn't stop you.

This is different, Laverne.

My brothers used
to whisper in my ear,

"Beware the legend of
the Ramsdale hairy thing!"

Your brothers whispered
awfully loud, Shirl.

Anyone who goes
there never returns.

Go on... Never returns.

Remember Marie Baccalauri
from high school? Yeah?

She went there with
Scott Bannick to neck.

Oh, who wouldn't go
with sexy Scott, huh?

She didn't show
up for graduation.

That was because she flunked.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's what they'd
like you to believe.

The truth of the matter is

she was carried off by the
Ramsdale great hairy thing.

Nah... Yes.

Nah, nah, nah, nah,
that was Scott Bannick.

Remember, he had
that sexy little tuft of fur

on his forehead, huh?

Come on, you want to get a sofa,

or you want to be scared

by some cockamamie
little kid story, huh?

Oh, oh, all right,
okay, I'll go.

That's the spirit,
that's the spirit.

We'll get Lenny and Squiggy
to drive us there in their truck.

Fine, fine, but the first
hairy thing we run into,

we come home.

Would you come on in here?

They're going to
close this place soon.

Come on... I'm telling you,

the first hairy
thing I see, I leave.

Wow.

Look at this place.

It looks just like the
haunted house we saw

in that picture last night,
The Devil's Bungalow.

I loved that part
where John Carradine

got eaten by the
living linoleum.

You don't suppose
there's any living linoleum

around here, do you?

Oh, would you stop it?

There is nothing
wrong with this house.

It's just a little
old and dusty.

This person didn't
leave here alive.

Shirl, it's a knickknack.

It's a skull!

Does it have hair?

Is it a hairy thing?

No. Okay, then forget about it.

Come on, we're
here to get a couch.

Come on.

They probably have a big
dog that needs to go for a walk.

My elbow, my elbow!

Hey, what do you think?

You knocked my
bear off, Laverne.

Don't you ever do that again.

When am I going
to get the chance?

Boys, boys, boys,
just look around.

Remember, if you
break it, you take it.

Somebody's looking
at your couch, Laverne.

If you want, I can spit on it

so they won't sit on it. No!

No, no!

It's fine, I'm just
testing the springs.

Dibs on it. We
love it. We got it.

Dibs on this couch.

It's ours.

Sit down, sit down.
It's only 25 bucks.

We could do it in two payments.

Only 25 bucks.
Okay, that's great.

Can I help you?

See, not a hairy thing.

No.

Do you live here?

Are you kidding?

Do I look like I live
in a place like this?

Well, you do...
No, I'm with the city.

We're selling everything

and tearing this place down.

It's become such an eyesore.

We're buying this couch.

Remember that big dog we heard?

He's dragging his leash.

My elbow...

Don't let those
noises bother you.

Old houses always seem
to make strange sounds.

I guess if you let your
imagination run wild,

this place would
get pretty scary.

There's some strange

things go on here, but,
hey, they go on everywhere.

That's it!

That's the great Ramsdale
hairy thing screaming.

I'm going home now.

Okay, okay, uh, we'll be
back tomorrow for the couch.

Don't worry about it.

Boys, come on, we're
getting out of here.

Can we take the
gorilla with us? No!

No, no gorilla. Come on.

Let's just go. Come on.

Be comfortable.

You're going to be
here a long... time.

Oh, it's locked, we're trapped.

Don't panic.

Don't panic. There's got
to be a way out of here.

Oh, I'm even losing
my own breath.

I know there's a
way out of here,

because I know every nook
and cranny in this house.

I got to get some
air. Follow me.

Okay. See? Didn't I tell you

everything's going to be fine?

Let's just follow
the little bald man.

Good.

Uh, wait, wait, wait. We're
taking the railing here.

Come on. Let's go!

Uh, we're just going
to put the railing back.

We don't want to
offend these people.

Not the kind of people you
want to have angry at you.

No.

Come on, fellas.

Where'd he go?

Oh, he just found the way out.

Come on. Let's follow him.

Stay close.

I want to make sure we're
doing a good job here, you know?

Hey, where are you, little man?

There's nothing
in here but a closet.

What happened to the...?

You point, you
don't tell a person?!

That's a devil!

You're the one who
went in the closet.

You see, it's true... he knew
too much, he knew too much.

Legend of Ramsdale Manor.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, we got to
listen to the little man.

He said, "Don't panic."

The little man who
said, "Don't panic"

has disappeared.

That's true, that's
true, that's true.

But there's got to be
a logical explanation.

We got to think this thing out.

Now, we can't get
out through here.

Not if we want to
leave with our flesh on.

I've got it! I've got it!

The windows! The windows!

We'll go out the windows!

There are no windows!

It's bricked up.
It's bricked up.

There are no windows!

Okay, I'm sorry if we die.

It's all my fault!
I'm sorry, okay?

I'm going to be quiet now.

Are you finished?

Lenny, Squiggy, you got
to break down that door.

Go ahead.

Okay. All right.

We'll do it
together, both of us.

All right, we'll do it
together. On three.

One, two, three.

I pulled a muscle.

Are you okay?

I don't know. It's
that old football injury.

But listen, you, uh, you can't
open the door with your shoulder.

It's not going to work that way.

We need something hard,

something with a
bolt like a rock, like a...

Here, here, here, here.

Granite. Put this on your head.

How's that going to
help your shoulder?

It's not going to
help my shoulder,

but it's going to keep you

from getting splinters
in your head. Oh, good.

Come on, girls, this man
is our ticket out of here.

Grab his feet.

Okay, watch your step now.

On your mark, get set, go!

No, we need to run. We
need to run. We need to run.

Okay, all the way back here.

This time, we put
some muscle into it.

Wait a minute! I
got the whiplash!

Oh! He's getting
too heavy for me.

Okay, okay, put him down.

Oh, geez, oh,
this ain't working.

No. He just ain't
trying, that's the trouble.

Did that come out of my mouth?

It didn't, it didn't.

That come out of you, Squig?

Are we home yet?

You got to do something,
you got to think of something,

you got to think of something. Well,
well, listen, now, we've seen every castle

that Vincent Price ever
got crushed to death in.

There's always one
secret passageway out.

All you got to do is find it.

Good idea.

How do we do that?

It's very simple.

All you got to
do... excuse me...

All you got to do is
just march around,

check every little button
that moves, every little lever.

Oh, yeah. We got
to find it here, see?

Like this. Sometimes
that will start a trigger.

You know, a secret passage here.

All right, everybody spread
out and push something.

Right, go push something.

It don't do nothing.

Nothing, Laverne.

I can't find anything.

Fellas?

Fellas? Fellas?

Fellas? Squiggy, come on.

Lenny, Squiggy?

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Olly-olly oxen.

Come on, fellas. Don't do this.

No, there's got to be
a good reason for this.

Yes.

I can't think of a good reason.

Can you think of a good reason?

No!

You in there! You
in there, keep quiet!

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Help.

Help!

Help...

They got out of here,
we can get out of here.

There's got to be
a way out of here.

There is none.

Okay, look up here.

Hey, Shirl, I think I
found a secret passage.

It's leading somewhere.

It's leading somewhere.
It's leading somewhere.

It's leading right...
through the chimney.

Shirl, what are
you sitting there for?

I'm trying to find
a way out of here,

and you're sitting there
reading a little book.

Laverne, I'm at peace.

Peace.

I'm just reading this
diary I found here.

Now, let me just
figure this out.

Windows: brick.

Doors: locked.

Us: finished.

Laverne, come here, come here.

Listen to this. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Sit here, will you?

I don't want to hear
this. Listen to this.

Listen, this is so
interesting. What?

"Dear Diary, young Mr. Lincoln
joined us for tea today."

Mr. Lincoln. So? So?

"I find him terribly attractive.

"Mary says she hates the
mole on his cheek, Hmm.

But since he grew his
beard, it's barely noticeable."

Laverne, this is about
Abraham Lincoln.

Great, he freed the
slaves, but what about us?

Us, us, us?

Look at this! Look at this.

"Captain Ulysses S.
Grant was over for dinner,

"got a bit tipsy, showed
us a few sword tricks.

Daddy says Aunt Helena doesn't
use that finger much anyway."

Uh, this is like Antique
Confidential here.

Good evening, ladies.

Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh!

All right.

You won't get any
secrets out of us.

We got no secrets.

Makes it all the harder.

Okay, we want a few
questions answered,

and this little girl here

is going to ask them.

What are you doing?

What questions, dear?

Uh, uh, are you
going to hurt us?

No, I hate violence.

Is he going to hurt us?

Well, I'm not my brother's
keeper, but, uh, if I were you,

I would try to make
friends with him.

Uh... uh... hi, cutie.

I think you won him over.

Yeah, I'm big with huge people.

Um, oh, why are you
locking us in here?

We didn't do nothing to you.

Yes, I know; it was an
attempt to save my house.

I thought if I kept hostages,
then I wouldn't be forced out.

And this house has been
in my family for generations.

I was born on that couch.

They've reupholstered
it since then.

And then I thought, "Well,"

I said to Bernie,
"Bernie, why not be nice?"

Right, Bernie?

Right.

Bernie's large, but logical.

Then you're not
going to hurt us?

No. They're not
going to hurt us!

Oh, good, good, good!

You're hitting me
with the thing, Shirl.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh, what happened
to Lenny and Squiggy?

Oh, those two
strange, little men.

Yeah.

They scared Bernie.

So we had to let them go.

They're probably home by now.

But Bernie and I are sorry

for everything that
we've put you through.

It's just that we
were desperate.

If, if we're forced out of here,

I'd have to go to an
old folk's home. Aw.

And I'd have to go
to a large folk's home.

Oh, no. No... Wait, wait.

Uh, Mrs. Ramsdale,

who does this diary belong to?

That's my grandmother's diary.

Well, uh, do you
know that this place

could possibly be a
historical landmark?

Uh, have you showed
this to the guy from the city?

Or have you... the
guy from the city?

Him. Bernie, what did
you do with Mr. Gardner?

Do you remember?

Is everything in
this diary true?

Oh yes, yes, of course. Really?

Locking me in the
secret bathroom.

Wait till the city
hears about this.

You have some nerve trying
to throw out this old lady.

That's right.

Do you know that this place
could be an historical landmark?

Would that make any
difference to the city

if someone famous,
say, slept here?

It might, if you could prove it.

Oh, it's all there
in black and white.

That's right.

Abraham Lincoln had
tea in this very room.

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah... ♪

He walked on these very floors.

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

His legs hung over
this very couch.

Don't tell him that.

The price of the
couch will go up.

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah. ♪

You can't tear this house down.

The people of
Milwaukee won't let you.

It's an historical monument.

♪ His truth is marching on. ♪

I-I can walk!

I made a miracle with my voice.

She could always walk.

Oh, shh, shh. She's just lazy.

I really want to thank you
for everything you've done.

You may have saved
my whole manor.

Oh.

And I want to thank
you very much.

Oh, well, it was nothing.

Uh, listen, did Lincoln
actually sleep here?

Yes, yes, he did.

Could I see the actual bed?

Better than that.

You can see the actual sheets.

Good-bye, girls,
and thank you again.

Oh, good-bye, Mrs. Ramsdale.

Good-bye. Goodbye, Bernie.

Bye, man from the city.

Oh, let's get out of here.

Why is that organ
playing by itself?

There's a perfectly
good reason for that.

I'll tell you when we get home.

Dear Diary, things
worked out real well.

The city has decided

to make Ramsdale Manor
a historical landmark...

Underline historical.

We got our names on a plaque.

Bernie was nice enough to
come over and fix our couch.

He's a whiz with springs.

Mrs. Ramsdale was so
grateful, she sent us a lovely gift.

Shirl, does this
make me look fat?

Uh, I think I'd get
rid of the bracelet.

Yeah?

You put an "L" on it already?

When am I going
to get to wear it?

Well, I saw it first.

Well, you need a little oil.

Come on in the
bathroom, I'll oil you.

Okay, come on, Dorothy.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪