Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 20 - Frank's Fling - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Come on, roll it out here,
come on, come on,
come on, come on.
That's the last time
I flip a coin with you.
I'm telling...
Hey, I won fair
and square, didn't I?
Yes, I got it, I
got it, I got it.
Okay? I got it,
I got it, I got it.
Here we go, here
we go, here we go.
All right, stack it up with the
rest of the kegs back there.
Hey, come on, right
here. Come on, right here.
Shirl, Shirley, I haven't got
time to play with you now.
My father's going to be back
from Chicago any minute,
and we've got to get
this place in shape, okay?
What are you talking about?
This place is in spic and span
order, he'll never recognize it.
Yeah, we did do a
good job, didn't we?
We sure did, I'm telling you.
What do you suppose
the Bowling Alley
Operators of America
do in Chicago for
an entire week?
Oh, they wear silly hats, drink
beer for three days and then get sick.
Gee, I wish I could go.
Oh, gee.
Oh, gee, wait, wait, wait.
Hold this. Here we go.
Hold that under
there. Don't panic.
It won't turn! It won't turn!
I got it, I got it.
What am I going to do?
Get the plug, get the plug!
Get the plug!
Put the plug in here.
There.
Oh, gee, look
at the floor again.
I'll clean it.
Okay, you mop, I'll sop, okay?
Boy, you girls should be
ashamed of yourselves.
You should be
ashamed of yourselves.
The stuff you write on that
ladies' room wall is disgusting.
Hey, look what somebody
jammed down behind the commode.
What is it? A perfectly
good copy of Peyton Place,
that's what it is.
Well, what kind of
jerk would do that?
Somebody with no respect
for culture, I'm telling you that.
He was smart enough to
underline the dirty parts.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let me see this.
Don't grab.
"He lifted her head..."
"She could kiss like no
one else in the world."
Okay, okay, that's
enough of that.
Go put it in the Lost
and Found. Yeah.
Time to pay the
kitty here, Laverne.
We don't work
for free, you know.
Not in this life.
Yeah, yeah, we got a
date with a couple of, uh...
well, with a couple of
switchboard operators tonight.
We're really going to
light up their boards.
See you later.
See you later. Bye.
They stole the mop.
Hey!
Hey, Pop.
Welcome home, welcome home.
We missed you.
I got a surprise
for both of you.
A surprise! Surprise?
Put your hands over...
Okay. I wonder what...
Don't look, don't
look! I'll bring it right in.
What do you think he
brought you from Chicago?
Oh, boy, I hope it's
one of the White Sox.
Well, open up.
What? Not one of the White Sox.
It's a lady.
He bought me a lady.
I want you to meet
Veronica Blake.
She was a display hostess
at the bowling convention.
And she's going to
help me around here.
Oh.
Oh, Frankie, this place
is certainly everything
that you said it was.
Nice, huh?
Well, I think that it
needs a woman's touch.
Veronica, I want you
to meet my daughter.
Oh, oh, don't tell me.
Little Laverne, I would
know you anyplace.
That face, that nose,
those eyebrows.
You are the spitting
image of your father.
No, I'm the spitting image
here, that's my friend Shirley.
Oh, of course, you
are, little Laverne.
I'd know you anywhere.
Yeah.
Well, nice meeting you Veronica.
I hate her.
I don't know what you're
so worried about, Laverne.
I am not worried.
There's something
about her that I don't like.
I mean, I want to see my
father with a lady person,
but not this phony lady person.
I always pictured my father
with someone a little older,
a little rounder,
a little shorter,
cooking a nice little pot
of spaghetti, you know.
Sounds like your mother.
Yeah, that's more
like it, like my mother.
Well, Veronica's not
going to marry your father,
don't you understand that? Huh?
She's not going
to be your mother,
tell you to eat spinach,
tell you what to wear.
She'd better not.
He's just got her here
because she can give
him something he needs.
Yeah, like what?
You know.
Like what?
You know. What?
You know. What?
You know what I'm talking about.
No, no, not Pop. He doesn't...
No, no, me, that was it,
no more, that's it, no more.
Laverne, believe me, it happens.
I read about this
in Reader's Digest.
Yeah? An article called
"Widowers on Parade." Yeah?
You see, a man
gets to a certain age,
and he starts having
these self-doubts. Yeah?
And he needs to
reaffirm his manhood.
Well, can't he just lift
weights or something?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not the same thing.
He's got to have a fling,
he's got to prove to himself
that he's still appealing
to the opposite sex.
Uh, what does this
article say to do?
That's the beauty of it.
You don't have to do anything.
You just let it run
its natural course.
Yeah, well how long
does this natural course
uh, take, and what
do I do during it?
You don't do anything.
You as the daughter
just grin and bear it.
The Reader's Digest
said to do that?
That's right, they said
that and they never lie.
They may condense every
now and then, but they don't lie.
Well, he does look
pretty happy, you know.
He sure does.
And I guess if it makes my
Pop happy, I can grin and bear it.
That's right.
Let's see the grin.
Now let me see some bear it.
Okay, put them together.
Grin and bear it.
Ladies, hurry, we'll be
late for the grand opening.
It's awfully dark in here.
What happened?
What do you suppose happened?
I guess my Pop didn't
pay the electric bill.
If I'd known it was going to
be so dark, I'd have come nude.
That's my best outfit, anyway.
Oh, ladies, welcome
to Chez Pizza.
Chez what?
Chez Pizza, do you like it?
Oh, I'm trying to find out
new names for the place.
How about The Dark Place?
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Yeah, it is a little
dark in here, isn't it?
Why, my darling, if I were you,
I would take advantage
of the darkness.
Which I am sure you have
done on many occasions.
Won't you sit down here?
Right here's a nice table.
Nice table, nice table.
No, Mrs. Babish, there.
Could I take your wraps?
Okay. No, I'll take my own.
My goodness, what
are you wearing?
Same thing we always wear here.
Why, Laverne, we're gonna
have to have a little talk
about your wardrobe.
You said she wasn't
gonna tell me what to wear.
Sit down, just sit down.
You said she wasn't
gonna tell me what to wear.
Oh, uh, Laverne, by the way,
have you seen the ledgers?
I think I'm gonna
have to find them
now that I'm taking
over the finances.
Frankie-poo is such a child
when it comes to money.
Hmm...
Uh, Frankie-poo has always
taken care of the finances.
No, no, no, no, uh, now,
I'm going to take over,
and Frankie-poo is
going on an allowance.
Ta-tah, now.
I say we give her a punchie-poo.
Just sit down. Just sit down.
I'm with Laverne... I say
we give her a punchie-poo.
Mark my words,
there is nothing wrong,
okay? This is just...
Shirley?
Yes, Veronica.
Do you know that
even with the candle out,
I can see your makeup
glowing in the dark?
I feel that I know you
two ladies well enough
to give you some
advice on style.
Get some.
Ta-tah.
Pop? Pop?
Ah!
Well, I didn't know
you came in here.
Yeah, well, look,
I got to talk to you.
Frank! Frank, hurry, hurry!
They need you in
the kitchen right away!
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
You know what Veronica
said when you come out here?
It's "Mr. DeFazio."
And nobody yells here anymore.
Now what is it?
I beg your pardon, Mr. DeFazio.
Good.
It seems that the
grease pit is on fire.
What? For crying out loud!
You've got to let
your father work.
I mean we've got
to straighten out
that grease pit before I bring
in some prospective buyers.
Buyers?
You selling the Pizza Bowl?
Well, we are thinking
of getting a bigger place
after we're married.
Do you mean, Veronica, you
and Pop are getting married?
Oh, honey, don't be so formal.
You can just call me Mama.
I got to get her.
Ow.
You said it was just
gonna be a little fling!
Well, it should have
flung itself out by now.
You said Reader's
Digest never lies.
Well, now, now, maybe
that's one of the parts
they condensed out of here.
I don't know what he
sees in that woman.
Yes, I do.
I don't like that!
That's it!
I just got a phone
call from Veronica.
She's never seen my act,
and she has the nerve to tell me
I'm not classy enough
to sing at the Pizza Bowl!
No. That dirty... She
hired some, uh, jerk
with cuff links and
a brandy snifter.
What's classier than
an Eddie Fisher medley?
A little dedication to Debbie...
and a little
dedication to Liz...
Yeah, yeah, Carmine.
I know just how you feel. Here.
Laverne!
Laverne, you've got
to talk to your father.
You've got to
talk to him. He's...
Shirl, I keep trying.
Every time I get near
him, he's playing kissy-face.
Did you ever try
to talk to someone
who's nibbling another
person's nose? Huh?
We cannot sit idly by and
let her take over his life.
Doesn't he
recognize when lowlife
crawls in over his welcome mat?
Ha!
What is going on
down at the Pizza Bowl?
Did you get thrown out, too?
Ha! Thrown out?
We couldn't get thrown in.
Yeah, they had a sign out front,
a sign that says,
"No leather jackets,
no sneakers, no jeans."
Yeah, I ain't about
to take my pants off
for some piece of pizza.
Hold it! Quiet!!
Don't get excited.
Let's just calm down.
Think about this whole thing
like intelligent human beings.
I can think better over here.
If we can get a hundred bucks...
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
I can get a guy that
will break her legs.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Nah... We can't do that.
We ain't got a hundred bucks.
I just thought we'd scare her.
Scare her.
Yeah, but maybe we
don't need to hire anybody.
Look around.
No, at each other,
at each other.
Huh? Pretty scary bunch, huh?
Yeah...
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Mom.
Hello, Mother dear.
Oh, little Laverne.
Hi. Mmm.
Uh... so this is
where, uh... you live?
Yeah.
Well, it needs a woman's touch.
Uh, why don't you
sit down, there?
There you go.
I just thought we
could get together,
have a little something
to eat, talk a little.
After all, we both love
the same guy, huh?
Who's that, dear?
Oh!
Oh, Frankie.
Oh, of course, Frankie.
Yeah, Frankie-poo.
You remember him, don't you?
Old Frankie-poo.
I figure I could tell you all
about me in around two seconds,
and, uh, we can
discuss him and your life
and his together.
It'll be fun.
Take that, you
little... You little...
- Oh, that's nothing.
- Oh, stop!
Its nothing.
No! No! No! It's really nothing.
Oh! I tried to stop
them, Laverne! I tried!
Oh, there, there, Shirl.
We're looking for
Frankie DeFazio.
Uh, he's not here.
What do you want with him?
Who's she?
Oh, my God, he's got a gun.
Where?! Who has a gun?
Are you his moil?
That's "moll"!
Are you his mole?
Moll! Moll!
Leave her out of this.
Uh, my father's not here.
Maybe he skipped town.
What do you want
with him anyway?
Frankie's been a bad boy.
Frankie has been a bad boy.
He's into the boss
for 60 big ones.
$60,000?
No, 60 big ones.
And if he don't pay
up, we'll see to it
that's he's personally fitted
for a pair of cement
bowling balls.
No! No rough stuff!
Oh, please, no rough stuff.
That's up to Mr. Big.
Yes, it is up to Mr. Big.
He's usually so prompt.
Mr. Big! Mr. Big! Mr. Big!
Mr. Big!
Oh... Oh... Oh, please, Mr. Big.
Please. Please, Mr. Big.
Don't hurt my father.
Please don't hurt my father.
He's my father.
Please, I'll pay you back.
We'll all kick in.
You'll kick in,
won't you... Mother?
Oh. Oh, I'd love to, but
I'm putting several Korean
orphans through beauty school.
That's beautiful, you know, I...
She's got to.
But you got to. I mean,
human lives mean
nothing to these animals.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
We don't rub people out no more.
It's tough to collect
from dead people.
You're thinking of the old days.
Ah, the good old days.
Am I right, boys?
Right, Mr. Big.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Big.
We'll pay you back.
My pop will, I promise.
We promise.
Well, just to insure
that he pays us,
we're gonna take over
the operation... temporarily,
other words known
as... the Pizza Bowl.
Yeah.
Anybody tries to stop us...
it can get pretty messy!
Wait-wait a minute.
Does, does this mean
that Frankie is going
to have nothing?
Mmm... Mmm...
He has you, Veronica,
and people can live on love.
Not people who like clothes.
Veronica, wait.
Oh... but my Pop needs you.
Oh, no. What your Pop
needs is, uh, 60 big ones.
Ta-tah.
Think we would've heard
from my pop by now.
Oh.
Ow! Ooh!
I think we're about
to hear from him.
Yeah, and he don't
sound too happy.
Hi. Hi.
I got a "Dear Frankie-poo"
letter from Veronica.
I found it in the cash register
where I used to have the 20s.
No.
Oh, what a pity.
I can't understand
what happened.
I gave her everything
she wanted.
Free bowling shoes.
Let her use the telephone
any time she wanted.
Put up with the
sissy piano player.
I mean, after all,
who wants to hear
a guy sing "The
Man That Got Away"?
Aww, Pop, Pop.
Calm down. It's okay.
Ah, who am I kidding?
Why would anybody like that
want to put up with an old
pepperoni pusher like me?
Hey, let's face
it, I'm over the hill.
Oh, stop that! Oh, you are not.
No, there's nothing
wrong with you.
Sit right here.
Let me see that letter.
That woman took all
your $20 bills, anyway.
One 20. One 20!
You think I let her know
where I keep all the bills?
I wouldn't even let your mother
know where I kept the big bills.
She knew.
I guess I'm just an old fool.
"Your daughter and
her friends are lunatics."
Uh, Pop, I gotta
tell you something.
She didn't just
pick up and leave.
Uh, we sort of...
scared her away, you know.
We did that,
but we did it in a rather
nice and polite way.
See, we, uh, told her
this cockamamie story
about you being in debt to these
big-time gangsters and hoodlums,
and they were going to
take over the Pizza Bowl...
and, well, that's about it.
That's my whole story.
You see, we thought
that, uh, she, uh...
was gonna take your money.
That's what we thought,
here. That's why.
Yeah.
Of course she was
after my money!
Think I didn't know about that?!
What do you think I am, stupid?!
When a guy
reaches a certain age,
money becomes
part of the bargain.
What's so appealing about
an old guy who's broke?
You mean that you knew?
Yeah, yeah, I knew.
When you get a little bit older,
and a pretty woman pays
you a little attention to you,
eh, you go along
with it for a while.
After all, what I got to lose?
Exactly what it said in
Reader's Digest. Didn't I...
You told me to butt
in, though. You did.
Why do you listen to me?
And you two figured to
protect me from this, right?
Well, we thought... Who
knew that you knew...?
I didn't need no protecting.
It would have lasted
a couple of weeks...
A couple of weeks I
could have killed for.
We shouldn't have butted in.
I feel so terrible.
I know, I know.
Okay, okay. Pop, I promise...
We'll never butt
in your life again.
Yeah, yeah. Butt in, why not?
That's what daughters are for,
and I got two
terrific daughters!
That's right. Ohh...
Ohh... That's nothing.
Wait till you see
what I bring you back
from the anchovy
convention next week.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Come on, roll it out here,
come on, come on,
come on, come on.
That's the last time
I flip a coin with you.
I'm telling...
Hey, I won fair
and square, didn't I?
Yes, I got it, I
got it, I got it.
Okay? I got it,
I got it, I got it.
Here we go, here
we go, here we go.
All right, stack it up with the
rest of the kegs back there.
Hey, come on, right
here. Come on, right here.
Shirl, Shirley, I haven't got
time to play with you now.
My father's going to be back
from Chicago any minute,
and we've got to get
this place in shape, okay?
What are you talking about?
This place is in spic and span
order, he'll never recognize it.
Yeah, we did do a
good job, didn't we?
We sure did, I'm telling you.
What do you suppose
the Bowling Alley
Operators of America
do in Chicago for
an entire week?
Oh, they wear silly hats, drink
beer for three days and then get sick.
Gee, I wish I could go.
Oh, gee.
Oh, gee, wait, wait, wait.
Hold this. Here we go.
Hold that under
there. Don't panic.
It won't turn! It won't turn!
I got it, I got it.
What am I going to do?
Get the plug, get the plug!
Get the plug!
Put the plug in here.
There.
Oh, gee, look
at the floor again.
I'll clean it.
Okay, you mop, I'll sop, okay?
Boy, you girls should be
ashamed of yourselves.
You should be
ashamed of yourselves.
The stuff you write on that
ladies' room wall is disgusting.
Hey, look what somebody
jammed down behind the commode.
What is it? A perfectly
good copy of Peyton Place,
that's what it is.
Well, what kind of
jerk would do that?
Somebody with no respect
for culture, I'm telling you that.
He was smart enough to
underline the dirty parts.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let me see this.
Don't grab.
"He lifted her head..."
"She could kiss like no
one else in the world."
Okay, okay, that's
enough of that.
Go put it in the Lost
and Found. Yeah.
Time to pay the
kitty here, Laverne.
We don't work
for free, you know.
Not in this life.
Yeah, yeah, we got a
date with a couple of, uh...
well, with a couple of
switchboard operators tonight.
We're really going to
light up their boards.
See you later.
See you later. Bye.
They stole the mop.
Hey!
Hey, Pop.
Welcome home, welcome home.
We missed you.
I got a surprise
for both of you.
A surprise! Surprise?
Put your hands over...
Okay. I wonder what...
Don't look, don't
look! I'll bring it right in.
What do you think he
brought you from Chicago?
Oh, boy, I hope it's
one of the White Sox.
Well, open up.
What? Not one of the White Sox.
It's a lady.
He bought me a lady.
I want you to meet
Veronica Blake.
She was a display hostess
at the bowling convention.
And she's going to
help me around here.
Oh.
Oh, Frankie, this place
is certainly everything
that you said it was.
Nice, huh?
Well, I think that it
needs a woman's touch.
Veronica, I want you
to meet my daughter.
Oh, oh, don't tell me.
Little Laverne, I would
know you anyplace.
That face, that nose,
those eyebrows.
You are the spitting
image of your father.
No, I'm the spitting image
here, that's my friend Shirley.
Oh, of course, you
are, little Laverne.
I'd know you anywhere.
Yeah.
Well, nice meeting you Veronica.
I hate her.
I don't know what you're
so worried about, Laverne.
I am not worried.
There's something
about her that I don't like.
I mean, I want to see my
father with a lady person,
but not this phony lady person.
I always pictured my father
with someone a little older,
a little rounder,
a little shorter,
cooking a nice little pot
of spaghetti, you know.
Sounds like your mother.
Yeah, that's more
like it, like my mother.
Well, Veronica's not
going to marry your father,
don't you understand that? Huh?
She's not going
to be your mother,
tell you to eat spinach,
tell you what to wear.
She'd better not.
He's just got her here
because she can give
him something he needs.
Yeah, like what?
You know.
Like what?
You know. What?
You know. What?
You know what I'm talking about.
No, no, not Pop. He doesn't...
No, no, me, that was it,
no more, that's it, no more.
Laverne, believe me, it happens.
I read about this
in Reader's Digest.
Yeah? An article called
"Widowers on Parade." Yeah?
You see, a man
gets to a certain age,
and he starts having
these self-doubts. Yeah?
And he needs to
reaffirm his manhood.
Well, can't he just lift
weights or something?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not the same thing.
He's got to have a fling,
he's got to prove to himself
that he's still appealing
to the opposite sex.
Uh, what does this
article say to do?
That's the beauty of it.
You don't have to do anything.
You just let it run
its natural course.
Yeah, well how long
does this natural course
uh, take, and what
do I do during it?
You don't do anything.
You as the daughter
just grin and bear it.
The Reader's Digest
said to do that?
That's right, they said
that and they never lie.
They may condense every
now and then, but they don't lie.
Well, he does look
pretty happy, you know.
He sure does.
And I guess if it makes my
Pop happy, I can grin and bear it.
That's right.
Let's see the grin.
Now let me see some bear it.
Okay, put them together.
Grin and bear it.
Ladies, hurry, we'll be
late for the grand opening.
It's awfully dark in here.
What happened?
What do you suppose happened?
I guess my Pop didn't
pay the electric bill.
If I'd known it was going to
be so dark, I'd have come nude.
That's my best outfit, anyway.
Oh, ladies, welcome
to Chez Pizza.
Chez what?
Chez Pizza, do you like it?
Oh, I'm trying to find out
new names for the place.
How about The Dark Place?
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Yeah, it is a little
dark in here, isn't it?
Why, my darling, if I were you,
I would take advantage
of the darkness.
Which I am sure you have
done on many occasions.
Won't you sit down here?
Right here's a nice table.
Nice table, nice table.
No, Mrs. Babish, there.
Could I take your wraps?
Okay. No, I'll take my own.
My goodness, what
are you wearing?
Same thing we always wear here.
Why, Laverne, we're gonna
have to have a little talk
about your wardrobe.
You said she wasn't
gonna tell me what to wear.
Sit down, just sit down.
You said she wasn't
gonna tell me what to wear.
Oh, uh, Laverne, by the way,
have you seen the ledgers?
I think I'm gonna
have to find them
now that I'm taking
over the finances.
Frankie-poo is such a child
when it comes to money.
Hmm...
Uh, Frankie-poo has always
taken care of the finances.
No, no, no, no, uh, now,
I'm going to take over,
and Frankie-poo is
going on an allowance.
Ta-tah, now.
I say we give her a punchie-poo.
Just sit down. Just sit down.
I'm with Laverne... I say
we give her a punchie-poo.
Mark my words,
there is nothing wrong,
okay? This is just...
Shirley?
Yes, Veronica.
Do you know that
even with the candle out,
I can see your makeup
glowing in the dark?
I feel that I know you
two ladies well enough
to give you some
advice on style.
Get some.
Ta-tah.
Pop? Pop?
Ah!
Well, I didn't know
you came in here.
Yeah, well, look,
I got to talk to you.
Frank! Frank, hurry, hurry!
They need you in
the kitchen right away!
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
You know what Veronica
said when you come out here?
It's "Mr. DeFazio."
And nobody yells here anymore.
Now what is it?
I beg your pardon, Mr. DeFazio.
Good.
It seems that the
grease pit is on fire.
What? For crying out loud!
You've got to let
your father work.
I mean we've got
to straighten out
that grease pit before I bring
in some prospective buyers.
Buyers?
You selling the Pizza Bowl?
Well, we are thinking
of getting a bigger place
after we're married.
Do you mean, Veronica, you
and Pop are getting married?
Oh, honey, don't be so formal.
You can just call me Mama.
I got to get her.
Ow.
You said it was just
gonna be a little fling!
Well, it should have
flung itself out by now.
You said Reader's
Digest never lies.
Well, now, now, maybe
that's one of the parts
they condensed out of here.
I don't know what he
sees in that woman.
Yes, I do.
I don't like that!
That's it!
I just got a phone
call from Veronica.
She's never seen my act,
and she has the nerve to tell me
I'm not classy enough
to sing at the Pizza Bowl!
No. That dirty... She
hired some, uh, jerk
with cuff links and
a brandy snifter.
What's classier than
an Eddie Fisher medley?
A little dedication to Debbie...
and a little
dedication to Liz...
Yeah, yeah, Carmine.
I know just how you feel. Here.
Laverne!
Laverne, you've got
to talk to your father.
You've got to
talk to him. He's...
Shirl, I keep trying.
Every time I get near
him, he's playing kissy-face.
Did you ever try
to talk to someone
who's nibbling another
person's nose? Huh?
We cannot sit idly by and
let her take over his life.
Doesn't he
recognize when lowlife
crawls in over his welcome mat?
Ha!
What is going on
down at the Pizza Bowl?
Did you get thrown out, too?
Ha! Thrown out?
We couldn't get thrown in.
Yeah, they had a sign out front,
a sign that says,
"No leather jackets,
no sneakers, no jeans."
Yeah, I ain't about
to take my pants off
for some piece of pizza.
Hold it! Quiet!!
Don't get excited.
Let's just calm down.
Think about this whole thing
like intelligent human beings.
I can think better over here.
If we can get a hundred bucks...
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
I can get a guy that
will break her legs.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Nah... We can't do that.
We ain't got a hundred bucks.
I just thought we'd scare her.
Scare her.
Yeah, but maybe we
don't need to hire anybody.
Look around.
No, at each other,
at each other.
Huh? Pretty scary bunch, huh?
Yeah...
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Mom.
Hello, Mother dear.
Oh, little Laverne.
Hi. Mmm.
Uh... so this is
where, uh... you live?
Yeah.
Well, it needs a woman's touch.
Uh, why don't you
sit down, there?
There you go.
I just thought we
could get together,
have a little something
to eat, talk a little.
After all, we both love
the same guy, huh?
Who's that, dear?
Oh!
Oh, Frankie.
Oh, of course, Frankie.
Yeah, Frankie-poo.
You remember him, don't you?
Old Frankie-poo.
I figure I could tell you all
about me in around two seconds,
and, uh, we can
discuss him and your life
and his together.
It'll be fun.
Take that, you
little... You little...
- Oh, that's nothing.
- Oh, stop!
Its nothing.
No! No! No! It's really nothing.
Oh! I tried to stop
them, Laverne! I tried!
Oh, there, there, Shirl.
We're looking for
Frankie DeFazio.
Uh, he's not here.
What do you want with him?
Who's she?
Oh, my God, he's got a gun.
Where?! Who has a gun?
Are you his moil?
That's "moll"!
Are you his mole?
Moll! Moll!
Leave her out of this.
Uh, my father's not here.
Maybe he skipped town.
What do you want
with him anyway?
Frankie's been a bad boy.
Frankie has been a bad boy.
He's into the boss
for 60 big ones.
$60,000?
No, 60 big ones.
And if he don't pay
up, we'll see to it
that's he's personally fitted
for a pair of cement
bowling balls.
No! No rough stuff!
Oh, please, no rough stuff.
That's up to Mr. Big.
Yes, it is up to Mr. Big.
He's usually so prompt.
Mr. Big! Mr. Big! Mr. Big!
Mr. Big!
Oh... Oh... Oh, please, Mr. Big.
Please. Please, Mr. Big.
Don't hurt my father.
Please don't hurt my father.
He's my father.
Please, I'll pay you back.
We'll all kick in.
You'll kick in,
won't you... Mother?
Oh. Oh, I'd love to, but
I'm putting several Korean
orphans through beauty school.
That's beautiful, you know, I...
She's got to.
But you got to. I mean,
human lives mean
nothing to these animals.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
We don't rub people out no more.
It's tough to collect
from dead people.
You're thinking of the old days.
Ah, the good old days.
Am I right, boys?
Right, Mr. Big.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Big.
We'll pay you back.
My pop will, I promise.
We promise.
Well, just to insure
that he pays us,
we're gonna take over
the operation... temporarily,
other words known
as... the Pizza Bowl.
Yeah.
Anybody tries to stop us...
it can get pretty messy!
Wait-wait a minute.
Does, does this mean
that Frankie is going
to have nothing?
Mmm... Mmm...
He has you, Veronica,
and people can live on love.
Not people who like clothes.
Veronica, wait.
Oh... but my Pop needs you.
Oh, no. What your Pop
needs is, uh, 60 big ones.
Ta-tah.
Think we would've heard
from my pop by now.
Oh.
Ow! Ooh!
I think we're about
to hear from him.
Yeah, and he don't
sound too happy.
Hi. Hi.
I got a "Dear Frankie-poo"
letter from Veronica.
I found it in the cash register
where I used to have the 20s.
No.
Oh, what a pity.
I can't understand
what happened.
I gave her everything
she wanted.
Free bowling shoes.
Let her use the telephone
any time she wanted.
Put up with the
sissy piano player.
I mean, after all,
who wants to hear
a guy sing "The
Man That Got Away"?
Aww, Pop, Pop.
Calm down. It's okay.
Ah, who am I kidding?
Why would anybody like that
want to put up with an old
pepperoni pusher like me?
Hey, let's face
it, I'm over the hill.
Oh, stop that! Oh, you are not.
No, there's nothing
wrong with you.
Sit right here.
Let me see that letter.
That woman took all
your $20 bills, anyway.
One 20. One 20!
You think I let her know
where I keep all the bills?
I wouldn't even let your mother
know where I kept the big bills.
She knew.
I guess I'm just an old fool.
"Your daughter and
her friends are lunatics."
Uh, Pop, I gotta
tell you something.
She didn't just
pick up and leave.
Uh, we sort of...
scared her away, you know.
We did that,
but we did it in a rather
nice and polite way.
See, we, uh, told her
this cockamamie story
about you being in debt to these
big-time gangsters and hoodlums,
and they were going to
take over the Pizza Bowl...
and, well, that's about it.
That's my whole story.
You see, we thought
that, uh, she, uh...
was gonna take your money.
That's what we thought,
here. That's why.
Yeah.
Of course she was
after my money!
Think I didn't know about that?!
What do you think I am, stupid?!
When a guy
reaches a certain age,
money becomes
part of the bargain.
What's so appealing about
an old guy who's broke?
You mean that you knew?
Yeah, yeah, I knew.
When you get a little bit older,
and a pretty woman pays
you a little attention to you,
eh, you go along
with it for a while.
After all, what I got to lose?
Exactly what it said in
Reader's Digest. Didn't I...
You told me to butt
in, though. You did.
Why do you listen to me?
And you two figured to
protect me from this, right?
Well, we thought... Who
knew that you knew...?
I didn't need no protecting.
It would have lasted
a couple of weeks...
A couple of weeks I
could have killed for.
We shouldn't have butted in.
I feel so terrible.
I know, I know.
Okay, okay. Pop, I promise...
We'll never butt
in your life again.
Yeah, yeah. Butt in, why not?
That's what daughters are for,
and I got two
terrific daughters!
That's right. Ohh...
Ohh... That's nothing.
Wait till you see
what I bring you back
from the anchovy
convention next week.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪