Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 19 - Hi Neighbor, Book 2 - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Another day, another dollar.
And another Friday
night with no date.
Ah, but we've got that new
beauty treatment to try out,
then we'll look great
for Saturday night.
Whoopee, looking
great for no date.
♪ Got to get my tuxedo pressed ♪
♪ Sew a button on my chest ♪
♪ Got a date with an angel ♪
♪ Got a date with an angel ♪
♪ Pick her up by a
quarter to eight. ♪
Hmm...
Let's see, let's see, what
do we have here. Oh!
"Black Musk. The
cologne for the angry man."
What the... what a gyp.
Geez!
Who's there? Who's there?
Me, stupid.
Huh? Aw... geez.
What are you
throwing stuff at me for?
What are you doing
hiding in a box?
I wasn't hiding. Oh, yeah?
I was looking for my good
pants and I fell asleep.
Did you cash the paychecks?
Of course I cashed
the paychecks.
Here you are, my
friend. Let me look at it.
Oh... 72 crisp one-dollar bills.
We got to spend all
of that on two girls?
This ain't just two girls.
I happen to be in love
with one of these girls,
and this is the real thing...
I mean, she is the girl.
The kind of girl that I'd
take home to Mother...
if my mother would
let me in the house.
Well, I don't know why I'm
going, I mean, I ain't in love.
"I ain't in love."
How many times
I got to tell you
why you're going?
She's got a lonely friend,
and you're the best I could
do on such short notice.
So? So...
don't just sit there,
look for your pants!
Oh...
I might just try and
flatten out my chinos.
What are you going
to do for a shirt?
Oh, my mama always taught me,
always keep a fresh shirt
on hand for an emergency.
Oh, yeah?
I've been saving
this one since 1954.
Eh, it's okay, might
take a little ironing.
Well, now you're all set,
but I'm the one that's in love,
I got to look good. Let's see...
Wait a minute, we can call
Laverne and Shirley up here.
Yeah, they'll help us out.
They can be sort of
our fashion advisors.
They might never come
up here in a million years.
Laverne... Shirley... What?
Come on up here. Lenny
just swallowed his comb!
Oh, my!
Ah, Pfisterine, the champagne
of bottled mouthwash.
Where is that guy?!
Open your mouth!
Cough it up right now!
Cough it up! Cough it up!
Cough it up! Cough it up!
Squiggy, come over
here and grab his tongue!
What are you doing?
He didn't swallow no comb.
That was a gimmick to
get you up here, sheesh.
A gimmick?
Big deal here,
choking on a comb.
How would you like to choke
on one of my curlers, huh?
No, don't crack
your mask over this.
Don't crack your mask.
How dare you!
How dare you try
and scare us to death!
You look pretty
scary yourselves.
Never mind the way we look!
All right, all right, will
you please stop talking
about yourselves and
change the subject over to me?
Girls, this is the
biggest night of my life.
What, your moths are in heat?
No, no, no.
I am in love.
Aw... Aw...
No, no, hey, hey,
now don't make fun.
This is the real thing.
He took a shower and everything.
Took a shower, huh? Yes, he did.
Well, then this must
be the real thing.
Don't mock me, woman.
I am in love, and I'm taking
the subject of my affections,
Miss Barbara Hummell,
to the La Fondue
restaurant tonight for supper.
La Fondue... La Fondue...
Yeah, I'm going along with him.
Oh, are you in love, too?
Nah. I'm on a blind date;
I just took a sponge bath.
Oh.
Squiggy's in love.
All right, girls, what do
you think of my outfit, huh?
Well... Well... Uh...
La Fondue, uh...
Come on, be blunt, tell me.
Uh, if you really
like this girl...
then why don't you
go to a nice men's shop
and rent yourself some
evening wear, huh?
Evening wear? Evening wear?
What do you mean, pajamas?
Tuxedos, you know?
Really? Like an usher?
No. Not exactly.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
she's got a point, stupid.
You know, I know a tuxedo
shop that's real cheap,
and they've got
some nice things,
but they're slight irregulars.
Well, that's perfect.
You're slight
and he's irregular.
Well, thanks for the
use of the hairspray.
I used the last of mine
chasing off a masher.
He'll never reach
for his raincoat again.
Well, no dates tonight, huh?
No, we're sort of particular.
We don't go out
with just any creep.
Yeah, only those that ask us.
Uh, who do you got a date with?
Oh, uh, a very attractive
older gentleman who
has his own business.
Well, well, well. That's nice.
Oh, I'll get it.
Pop, what are you doing here?
Where's your apron?
I left it at the Pizza Bowl.
Edna, you ready?
This is the older man
with his own business?
Yeah, so I've got a date, so
what, you got something to say?
No.
Fathers have needs, too.
Yeah, I know.
Did you bring the
pillow and blanket?
Oh, gee, not in
front of me, Pop...
It's cold at the hockey rink!
Oh, the hockey rink.
Don't worry, Laverne,
I'll take good care of him.
Well, don't take
too good of care,
he's still a person's father.
They make a cute couple. Yeah.
Oh, they make a
really cute couple...
Yeah, everybody's a cute couple.
The world's cute.
Shirl, there's something
I don't understand.
Come here. Explain this to me.
Everybody has got someplace
to go tonight with someone,
and us two beauties,
what have we got?
A date with dirt.
I mean, it's just not fair.
Fair? Well, of
course it's not fair.
It's just nature's way of
balancing things, Laverne.
You see, they are
all going out tonight
for the time of
their lives, Yeah?
While we, on the other hand,
simply were not asked
out for the weekend.
Nature works in stupid
ways sometimes, Laverne.
Yeah.
Just what do you think
you're doing to this rug?
What?
Just what do you
think you're doing to it?
This has a very delicate fabric.
You must be careful with it.
It's an old bathmat, Shirl.
What are you talking about?
Plus, this thing's
not sucking up right.
There's something stuck.
Yeah, I think I blew it loose.
Oh. Oh, Shirl...
It's working all right.
There doesn't seem to
be anything wrong with it.
Are my tonsils still there?
Oh, yeah, you still got them.
You also got the world's
biggest hickey on your mouth.
It's a good thing we
don't have dates tonight.
Yeah, the way we look,
who'd want to ask us out?
Hello.
Well, girls, this is
what we'd look like
if we was handsome.
Don't do that. Don't
do that. Don't do it.
Fellas... Fellas...
you look... wonderful.
Thank you. Thank you, very much.
Yeah, you really went
all out there, yeah.
Well, it's not
every day that love
comes knocking at your doorstep.
No, it's not. Do
these ladies know
where you're
taking them tonight?
Oh, no, that's a big surprise.
We're gonna spring it on them.
Oh, that's good. Good.
They're gonna surprise them.
Oh, say, could we use
your phone to call them,
just to tell them we're
leaving, you know?
Sure, go right
ahead. Watch out for...
Oh, wait. Len, Len.
You don't wear a
cummerband up there.
It looks like a brassiere.
Turn around.
Oh, oh, it's
ringing, it's ringing.
That means the phone is home.
Yeah, hello, Barbara?
This is Squiggles.
Uh... ahem, I just called to say
that Lenny and I are ready
to leave. We'll pick you...
What?
What do you mean,
you can't make it?
Wait, hold the phone.
They say they can't
make it because
they're gonna stay home
to shampoo each other.
Oh, well, that's the dumbest
excuse I ever heard of.
Yeah. Yeah, it is
pretty stupid, isn't it?
Uh... uh, hello, hello, Barbara?
Squiggles again. Listen, um...
uh, I just want you to know
that I used to be
in love with you,
up until I found out
that you're a crumb!
Yeah. Don't do that.
No, he's just been dumped on.
Go ahead, go
ahead. Give it to her!
Go ahead!
And another thing...
I want you to know
that I don't care
if I ever see you
in the flesh again.
There are plenty of women
just dying to go out with us.
Why... why... we're
swimming in women.
In fact, uh... here's one now.
Oh... no... Take
it. Take the call.
Take the call. Take it. I
don' even know this person!
I don't know this person!
Yell at her. Yell at
her. I don't know her!
Hello.
You, you don't know
me, uh, Barbara,
but my, my name is
Shirley Feeney and, uh...
Should I give her our address?
Give me that!
Uh, thanks for
backing out, uh...
This is the chance
me and my girlfriend,
who you were just talking
to, have been dying for, huh?
Um... we would love to go out
with these two
cuties tonight, huh?
They are so. They
happen to be real hunks.
Big spenders,
and, uh, they even
got their own truck.
Just what every
woman would want.
And more!
And more. And more.
That's telling 'em,
Laverne. More, more.
Uh, so I hope there's
no hard feelings, uh,
but possession is
nine points of the law,
and we got 'em! We got 'em.
Good-bye.
Hey...
Boy, oh, boy, you
girls are terrific.
Boy, this will fix them.
We're taking Laverne and Shirley
to the La Fondue tonight!
What? What?
Maybe we should give
Barbara one more call. She...
Forget Barbara.
Be ready in about
20 minutes, okay?
No, no. No, we're...
Try to look as good as we do.
Come back here
and call her back.
You had to call
her. It wasn't...
It wasn't my fault.
You had to talk to her.
You talked to her.
I couldn't help it.
I solemnly swear
that I will never tell
another living soul
that I went out on a date
with Lenny and Squiggy.
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara!
Forget Barbara,
okay, for the night.
Come on, come on!
In here!
Oh, there's a
table, let's grab it!
Come on, over here!
Oh, look at that wine.
It's white.
Just like Barbara. I knew it.
Here you are, Laverne.
Here's your launching pad.
Oh, thank you, Len.
Happy landings, there.
Get a load of
Manners, the butler.
Some girls like manners.
It's, uh, it's very
flattering sometimes.
Yeah? Well, I'm glad
you ain't that way.
Sit down and eat.
Isn't it nice?
Mmm, yeah, it's all right.
They gave us little hats.
Excuse me.
Do you have reservations?
Nope, not a one.
No, no, I think he means, do we
have an appointment to be here.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, uh, Squigman and Kosnowski,
party of four, we're all here.
It is customary to
wait to be seated.
There wasn't any line, bub.
Serve these people, quickly.
Eh, voilà.
Voilà.
Mademoiselle. Sir?
For the lap and the mouth.
Oh, I knew it wasn't a hat.
Get it off, get it off.
I knew it wasn't a hat.
Hey, look at this.
Nothing's written in
English but the prices.
Whoo! Get a look at them, huh?
Eh, that's okay.
Ah, well, just, uh, quit
sweating and order.
I don't understand
any of this French stuff.
Just give me this
$12-baby here, okay?
Eh, bon. Um, excuse me.
How do you say
"meatloaf" in French?
You don't.
"You don't."
"You don't."
I don't see that here.
I don't see anything like that.
You don't? You don't.
I don't know why
they gave me a bib.
I already got a shirt.
Mine's really good.
You know what I like? I
like these crunchy things
on the end of my chops.
What are they?
That's crepe paper.
Can you buy them in the stores?
You're such a big dope.
Oh, this $12-baby
is really great.
What is this stuff?
Cerveles, m'selli.
Mmm, what does that mean?
Cow brains.
Come on, Laverne, here.
I know, but you were eating it,
you liked it so much.
Just sit down. You can do it.
Be a big girl. Come on, come on.
I know. Just sit down, okay?
All right?
Come on, Shirl, you sure you
don't want some of this lobster.
I mean, half of it is yours.
What'll it be, heads or tails?
Um, Len,
I'll trade you a
brain for a chop.
Now, what am I
gonna do with a brain?
Don't do that, don't do that.
He just looks so alive.
It was alive, mademoiselle,
30 minutes ago.
You mean, you killed
this lobster for me?
Just for you, mademoiselle.
Oh.
Ah, here we go, here we go.
Don't worry.
Look, I just ate a brain, here.
But it was alive, it was alive!
This was alive somewhere.
Don't worry, you'll
eat bread. Here.
I just can't
eat that, Squiggy,
I just can't eat him.
Neither can I... it's hard
to get this thing open.
Here. Why don't you
try my pocket tools?
Oh, good idea.
There you go, it's got
a little saw in there,
little mallet,
everything you need.
I'm trying to saw...
Why do you bring pocket
tools to a fancy restaurant?
My shop teacher told me
never go nowhere
without your pocket tools.
You never know when you're
gonna get locked into a pay toilet.
There. Why don't you
just suck on a wing, huh?
No, no, I don't
want it, thank you.
Eh, voilà.
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Let me have a
little bit of this.
I don't want a whole piece.
Lenny, if you want something,
don't reach for it
and grab, just ask me.
I didn't grab nothing.
You did so.
I did not. You did so.
You went just like that and
reached right across. I did not.
Let go of her, will you?!
That's my date,
pal, that's my date!
Oh... Are you all
right? I'm so sorry.
He gave me an Indian burn.
Slap a little butter
on it, it'll be fine.
I think I used the last of
the butter on my crepe paper.
Oh, get me butter.
Squiggy, will you go ask
someone for some butter, please?
Yeah, sure, I'll borrow
it from the next table.
Well, be polite.
Of course I'll be polite.
I'm in a tuxedo, ain't I?
Pardon me, could I... Barbara.
Barbara, Barbara.
No, butter, butter.
No, no, Barbara, Barbara.
Barbara's at the next table.
And her hair ain't even wet!
She lied.
Unless that guy's a hairdresser.
She doesn't look
like Sandra Dee.
Squiggy? Squiggy?
Squig? Squiggy?
Did you see the little...?
Yes, I did.
Voilà, monsieur,
looking for table scraps?
That's an old Lithuanian custom,
saying grace under
the table during dinner.
How sweet.
Yeah, uh, could we
have the check, please?
We're all done here.
Yes, I know.
Squiggy, what are
you doing under there?
Nothing. No! Get
out from under there!
Be a man. No!
Go rip her to shreds!
Stop it! Ow!
You want Squiggy
to beat her up here?
Yeah!
Come here, Squiggy, come here.
Come on. Come on. No!
No, no, no, no.
Voilà, monsieur, the check.
Oh, uh, we're paying you
under the table tonight, François.
I'm sorry to disturb
you at your prayers.
The check.
What's this, a French coin?
$49.50?!
All right, who ordered
the extra Pepsi?
I did.
Okay, Frenchy, here's 50 bucks.
Keep the change.
Oh, monsieur, 50 cents.
Goody.
Now tiny Claude can
have his operation.
Oh, yeah, send him our love.
He's not going to
come out of there.
Squiggy, listen to
me, listen to me.
We have all had our hearts
broken one way or another.
That's right.
Remember when, uh, you,
you loved Steve Billback?
Tell him that.
Don't mention his name to me.
I asked you never to
mention his name to me!
I'm sorry.
It's very painful to me.
Look, did I tell
him about tonight?
And what is this? I'm the
guy with the broken heart.
Look, look, the point is,
you've been a perfect
gentleman all evening,
and haven't we had fun?
I did, I did. Yeah, yeah.
Haven't we had fun?
I did, I did, I
did, Shut him up.
I... Shut up!
Why spoil it, huh?
Why stoop to her level?
I mean, inside you Squiggy,
there's a big man who
can handle this situation
with total control.
You're going to get up.
Yeah?
No hitting. No hitting.
No punching.
One punch. No, no.
You're going to walk out of here
with pride, grace and dignity.
Pride, grace and dignity, huh?
Uh-huh.
Okay, let's blow this joint.
Oh, Andrew, Andrew,
you're so witty.
And-and Lenny,
you're so... tall.
Oh, Barbara, what a
pleasure seeing you here.
What brings you
to a place like this?
Uh, I don't believe we've met.
Of course we've met.
We were supposed
to have a date
tonight, remember?
What's wrong with you?
Men are always
saying that to me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it.
You want to pretend
you don't know me.
Well, that's okay. Maybe
I just ain't your type.
Maybe nobody is,
but that's the way the
old cookie bounces.
Ooh, that was so good.
I'm so proud of you.
Ugh, what a creep.
And those girls,
bottom of the barrel.
Let me handle this.
Pride, grace and dignity.
Come on!
Barbara, one more thing.
Are you busy Tuesday for lunch?
Boy, those waiters
chased us for three blocks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, who would have thought
the French could
run so fast, huh?
Well, it was really
funny to see them
chasing after them
lobsters you set free.
I hope they make it home.
Home to the sea.
Oh, I doubt they'll even
make it to Maine, there, Shirl.
Yeah, maybe they can
settle on Lake Michigan.
Maybe we should try this again
next week, what do you say, huh?
Yeah, how about the
Godzilla Film Festival?
18 straight hours of
monsters in Tohoscope.
Maybe we shouldn't
rush into this, huh, fellas?
Catching this? It's
real subtle over here.
Yeah, yeah, the
old headache alarm.
A truck doesn't have to hit me.
Mm-hmm, if it
does, I'll be driving it.
Well... listen, girls,
Lenny and I are officially
calling this date over.
Yeah, and since
you've been so nice,
we ain't going to try
and get anything off ya.
Well, good night.
That's it.
Date's over. Good-bye.
That's all there is.
See you around.
Oh, yeah, live in the
same building. Yeah.
Well, what do you think?
He kissed better
than the vacuum.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Another day, another dollar.
And another Friday
night with no date.
Ah, but we've got that new
beauty treatment to try out,
then we'll look great
for Saturday night.
Whoopee, looking
great for no date.
♪ Got to get my tuxedo pressed ♪
♪ Sew a button on my chest ♪
♪ Got a date with an angel ♪
♪ Got a date with an angel ♪
♪ Pick her up by a
quarter to eight. ♪
Hmm...
Let's see, let's see, what
do we have here. Oh!
"Black Musk. The
cologne for the angry man."
What the... what a gyp.
Geez!
Who's there? Who's there?
Me, stupid.
Huh? Aw... geez.
What are you
throwing stuff at me for?
What are you doing
hiding in a box?
I wasn't hiding. Oh, yeah?
I was looking for my good
pants and I fell asleep.
Did you cash the paychecks?
Of course I cashed
the paychecks.
Here you are, my
friend. Let me look at it.
Oh... 72 crisp one-dollar bills.
We got to spend all
of that on two girls?
This ain't just two girls.
I happen to be in love
with one of these girls,
and this is the real thing...
I mean, she is the girl.
The kind of girl that I'd
take home to Mother...
if my mother would
let me in the house.
Well, I don't know why I'm
going, I mean, I ain't in love.
"I ain't in love."
How many times
I got to tell you
why you're going?
She's got a lonely friend,
and you're the best I could
do on such short notice.
So? So...
don't just sit there,
look for your pants!
Oh...
I might just try and
flatten out my chinos.
What are you going
to do for a shirt?
Oh, my mama always taught me,
always keep a fresh shirt
on hand for an emergency.
Oh, yeah?
I've been saving
this one since 1954.
Eh, it's okay, might
take a little ironing.
Well, now you're all set,
but I'm the one that's in love,
I got to look good. Let's see...
Wait a minute, we can call
Laverne and Shirley up here.
Yeah, they'll help us out.
They can be sort of
our fashion advisors.
They might never come
up here in a million years.
Laverne... Shirley... What?
Come on up here. Lenny
just swallowed his comb!
Oh, my!
Ah, Pfisterine, the champagne
of bottled mouthwash.
Where is that guy?!
Open your mouth!
Cough it up right now!
Cough it up! Cough it up!
Cough it up! Cough it up!
Squiggy, come over
here and grab his tongue!
What are you doing?
He didn't swallow no comb.
That was a gimmick to
get you up here, sheesh.
A gimmick?
Big deal here,
choking on a comb.
How would you like to choke
on one of my curlers, huh?
No, don't crack
your mask over this.
Don't crack your mask.
How dare you!
How dare you try
and scare us to death!
You look pretty
scary yourselves.
Never mind the way we look!
All right, all right, will
you please stop talking
about yourselves and
change the subject over to me?
Girls, this is the
biggest night of my life.
What, your moths are in heat?
No, no, no.
I am in love.
Aw... Aw...
No, no, hey, hey,
now don't make fun.
This is the real thing.
He took a shower and everything.
Took a shower, huh? Yes, he did.
Well, then this must
be the real thing.
Don't mock me, woman.
I am in love, and I'm taking
the subject of my affections,
Miss Barbara Hummell,
to the La Fondue
restaurant tonight for supper.
La Fondue... La Fondue...
Yeah, I'm going along with him.
Oh, are you in love, too?
Nah. I'm on a blind date;
I just took a sponge bath.
Oh.
Squiggy's in love.
All right, girls, what do
you think of my outfit, huh?
Well... Well... Uh...
La Fondue, uh...
Come on, be blunt, tell me.
Uh, if you really
like this girl...
then why don't you
go to a nice men's shop
and rent yourself some
evening wear, huh?
Evening wear? Evening wear?
What do you mean, pajamas?
Tuxedos, you know?
Really? Like an usher?
No. Not exactly.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
she's got a point, stupid.
You know, I know a tuxedo
shop that's real cheap,
and they've got
some nice things,
but they're slight irregulars.
Well, that's perfect.
You're slight
and he's irregular.
Well, thanks for the
use of the hairspray.
I used the last of mine
chasing off a masher.
He'll never reach
for his raincoat again.
Well, no dates tonight, huh?
No, we're sort of particular.
We don't go out
with just any creep.
Yeah, only those that ask us.
Uh, who do you got a date with?
Oh, uh, a very attractive
older gentleman who
has his own business.
Well, well, well. That's nice.
Oh, I'll get it.
Pop, what are you doing here?
Where's your apron?
I left it at the Pizza Bowl.
Edna, you ready?
This is the older man
with his own business?
Yeah, so I've got a date, so
what, you got something to say?
No.
Fathers have needs, too.
Yeah, I know.
Did you bring the
pillow and blanket?
Oh, gee, not in
front of me, Pop...
It's cold at the hockey rink!
Oh, the hockey rink.
Don't worry, Laverne,
I'll take good care of him.
Well, don't take
too good of care,
he's still a person's father.
They make a cute couple. Yeah.
Oh, they make a
really cute couple...
Yeah, everybody's a cute couple.
The world's cute.
Shirl, there's something
I don't understand.
Come here. Explain this to me.
Everybody has got someplace
to go tonight with someone,
and us two beauties,
what have we got?
A date with dirt.
I mean, it's just not fair.
Fair? Well, of
course it's not fair.
It's just nature's way of
balancing things, Laverne.
You see, they are
all going out tonight
for the time of
their lives, Yeah?
While we, on the other hand,
simply were not asked
out for the weekend.
Nature works in stupid
ways sometimes, Laverne.
Yeah.
Just what do you think
you're doing to this rug?
What?
Just what do you
think you're doing to it?
This has a very delicate fabric.
You must be careful with it.
It's an old bathmat, Shirl.
What are you talking about?
Plus, this thing's
not sucking up right.
There's something stuck.
Yeah, I think I blew it loose.
Oh. Oh, Shirl...
It's working all right.
There doesn't seem to
be anything wrong with it.
Are my tonsils still there?
Oh, yeah, you still got them.
You also got the world's
biggest hickey on your mouth.
It's a good thing we
don't have dates tonight.
Yeah, the way we look,
who'd want to ask us out?
Hello.
Well, girls, this is
what we'd look like
if we was handsome.
Don't do that. Don't
do that. Don't do it.
Fellas... Fellas...
you look... wonderful.
Thank you. Thank you, very much.
Yeah, you really went
all out there, yeah.
Well, it's not
every day that love
comes knocking at your doorstep.
No, it's not. Do
these ladies know
where you're
taking them tonight?
Oh, no, that's a big surprise.
We're gonna spring it on them.
Oh, that's good. Good.
They're gonna surprise them.
Oh, say, could we use
your phone to call them,
just to tell them we're
leaving, you know?
Sure, go right
ahead. Watch out for...
Oh, wait. Len, Len.
You don't wear a
cummerband up there.
It looks like a brassiere.
Turn around.
Oh, oh, it's
ringing, it's ringing.
That means the phone is home.
Yeah, hello, Barbara?
This is Squiggles.
Uh... ahem, I just called to say
that Lenny and I are ready
to leave. We'll pick you...
What?
What do you mean,
you can't make it?
Wait, hold the phone.
They say they can't
make it because
they're gonna stay home
to shampoo each other.
Oh, well, that's the dumbest
excuse I ever heard of.
Yeah. Yeah, it is
pretty stupid, isn't it?
Uh... uh, hello, hello, Barbara?
Squiggles again. Listen, um...
uh, I just want you to know
that I used to be
in love with you,
up until I found out
that you're a crumb!
Yeah. Don't do that.
No, he's just been dumped on.
Go ahead, go
ahead. Give it to her!
Go ahead!
And another thing...
I want you to know
that I don't care
if I ever see you
in the flesh again.
There are plenty of women
just dying to go out with us.
Why... why... we're
swimming in women.
In fact, uh... here's one now.
Oh... no... Take
it. Take the call.
Take the call. Take it. I
don' even know this person!
I don't know this person!
Yell at her. Yell at
her. I don't know her!
Hello.
You, you don't know
me, uh, Barbara,
but my, my name is
Shirley Feeney and, uh...
Should I give her our address?
Give me that!
Uh, thanks for
backing out, uh...
This is the chance
me and my girlfriend,
who you were just talking
to, have been dying for, huh?
Um... we would love to go out
with these two
cuties tonight, huh?
They are so. They
happen to be real hunks.
Big spenders,
and, uh, they even
got their own truck.
Just what every
woman would want.
And more!
And more. And more.
That's telling 'em,
Laverne. More, more.
Uh, so I hope there's
no hard feelings, uh,
but possession is
nine points of the law,
and we got 'em! We got 'em.
Good-bye.
Hey...
Boy, oh, boy, you
girls are terrific.
Boy, this will fix them.
We're taking Laverne and Shirley
to the La Fondue tonight!
What? What?
Maybe we should give
Barbara one more call. She...
Forget Barbara.
Be ready in about
20 minutes, okay?
No, no. No, we're...
Try to look as good as we do.
Come back here
and call her back.
You had to call
her. It wasn't...
It wasn't my fault.
You had to talk to her.
You talked to her.
I couldn't help it.
I solemnly swear
that I will never tell
another living soul
that I went out on a date
with Lenny and Squiggy.
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara!
Forget Barbara,
okay, for the night.
Come on, come on!
In here!
Oh, there's a
table, let's grab it!
Come on, over here!
Oh, look at that wine.
It's white.
Just like Barbara. I knew it.
Here you are, Laverne.
Here's your launching pad.
Oh, thank you, Len.
Happy landings, there.
Get a load of
Manners, the butler.
Some girls like manners.
It's, uh, it's very
flattering sometimes.
Yeah? Well, I'm glad
you ain't that way.
Sit down and eat.
Isn't it nice?
Mmm, yeah, it's all right.
They gave us little hats.
Excuse me.
Do you have reservations?
Nope, not a one.
No, no, I think he means, do we
have an appointment to be here.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, uh, Squigman and Kosnowski,
party of four, we're all here.
It is customary to
wait to be seated.
There wasn't any line, bub.
Serve these people, quickly.
Eh, voilà.
Voilà.
Mademoiselle. Sir?
For the lap and the mouth.
Oh, I knew it wasn't a hat.
Get it off, get it off.
I knew it wasn't a hat.
Hey, look at this.
Nothing's written in
English but the prices.
Whoo! Get a look at them, huh?
Eh, that's okay.
Ah, well, just, uh, quit
sweating and order.
I don't understand
any of this French stuff.
Just give me this
$12-baby here, okay?
Eh, bon. Um, excuse me.
How do you say
"meatloaf" in French?
You don't.
"You don't."
"You don't."
I don't see that here.
I don't see anything like that.
You don't? You don't.
I don't know why
they gave me a bib.
I already got a shirt.
Mine's really good.
You know what I like? I
like these crunchy things
on the end of my chops.
What are they?
That's crepe paper.
Can you buy them in the stores?
You're such a big dope.
Oh, this $12-baby
is really great.
What is this stuff?
Cerveles, m'selli.
Mmm, what does that mean?
Cow brains.
Come on, Laverne, here.
I know, but you were eating it,
you liked it so much.
Just sit down. You can do it.
Be a big girl. Come on, come on.
I know. Just sit down, okay?
All right?
Come on, Shirl, you sure you
don't want some of this lobster.
I mean, half of it is yours.
What'll it be, heads or tails?
Um, Len,
I'll trade you a
brain for a chop.
Now, what am I
gonna do with a brain?
Don't do that, don't do that.
He just looks so alive.
It was alive, mademoiselle,
30 minutes ago.
You mean, you killed
this lobster for me?
Just for you, mademoiselle.
Oh.
Ah, here we go, here we go.
Don't worry.
Look, I just ate a brain, here.
But it was alive, it was alive!
This was alive somewhere.
Don't worry, you'll
eat bread. Here.
I just can't
eat that, Squiggy,
I just can't eat him.
Neither can I... it's hard
to get this thing open.
Here. Why don't you
try my pocket tools?
Oh, good idea.
There you go, it's got
a little saw in there,
little mallet,
everything you need.
I'm trying to saw...
Why do you bring pocket
tools to a fancy restaurant?
My shop teacher told me
never go nowhere
without your pocket tools.
You never know when you're
gonna get locked into a pay toilet.
There. Why don't you
just suck on a wing, huh?
No, no, I don't
want it, thank you.
Eh, voilà.
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Let me have a
little bit of this.
I don't want a whole piece.
Lenny, if you want something,
don't reach for it
and grab, just ask me.
I didn't grab nothing.
You did so.
I did not. You did so.
You went just like that and
reached right across. I did not.
Let go of her, will you?!
That's my date,
pal, that's my date!
Oh... Are you all
right? I'm so sorry.
He gave me an Indian burn.
Slap a little butter
on it, it'll be fine.
I think I used the last of
the butter on my crepe paper.
Oh, get me butter.
Squiggy, will you go ask
someone for some butter, please?
Yeah, sure, I'll borrow
it from the next table.
Well, be polite.
Of course I'll be polite.
I'm in a tuxedo, ain't I?
Pardon me, could I... Barbara.
Barbara, Barbara.
No, butter, butter.
No, no, Barbara, Barbara.
Barbara's at the next table.
And her hair ain't even wet!
She lied.
Unless that guy's a hairdresser.
She doesn't look
like Sandra Dee.
Squiggy? Squiggy?
Squig? Squiggy?
Did you see the little...?
Yes, I did.
Voilà, monsieur,
looking for table scraps?
That's an old Lithuanian custom,
saying grace under
the table during dinner.
How sweet.
Yeah, uh, could we
have the check, please?
We're all done here.
Yes, I know.
Squiggy, what are
you doing under there?
Nothing. No! Get
out from under there!
Be a man. No!
Go rip her to shreds!
Stop it! Ow!
You want Squiggy
to beat her up here?
Yeah!
Come here, Squiggy, come here.
Come on. Come on. No!
No, no, no, no.
Voilà, monsieur, the check.
Oh, uh, we're paying you
under the table tonight, François.
I'm sorry to disturb
you at your prayers.
The check.
What's this, a French coin?
$49.50?!
All right, who ordered
the extra Pepsi?
I did.
Okay, Frenchy, here's 50 bucks.
Keep the change.
Oh, monsieur, 50 cents.
Goody.
Now tiny Claude can
have his operation.
Oh, yeah, send him our love.
He's not going to
come out of there.
Squiggy, listen to
me, listen to me.
We have all had our hearts
broken one way or another.
That's right.
Remember when, uh, you,
you loved Steve Billback?
Tell him that.
Don't mention his name to me.
I asked you never to
mention his name to me!
I'm sorry.
It's very painful to me.
Look, did I tell
him about tonight?
And what is this? I'm the
guy with the broken heart.
Look, look, the point is,
you've been a perfect
gentleman all evening,
and haven't we had fun?
I did, I did. Yeah, yeah.
Haven't we had fun?
I did, I did, I
did, Shut him up.
I... Shut up!
Why spoil it, huh?
Why stoop to her level?
I mean, inside you Squiggy,
there's a big man who
can handle this situation
with total control.
You're going to get up.
Yeah?
No hitting. No hitting.
No punching.
One punch. No, no.
You're going to walk out of here
with pride, grace and dignity.
Pride, grace and dignity, huh?
Uh-huh.
Okay, let's blow this joint.
Oh, Andrew, Andrew,
you're so witty.
And-and Lenny,
you're so... tall.
Oh, Barbara, what a
pleasure seeing you here.
What brings you
to a place like this?
Uh, I don't believe we've met.
Of course we've met.
We were supposed
to have a date
tonight, remember?
What's wrong with you?
Men are always
saying that to me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it.
You want to pretend
you don't know me.
Well, that's okay. Maybe
I just ain't your type.
Maybe nobody is,
but that's the way the
old cookie bounces.
Ooh, that was so good.
I'm so proud of you.
Ugh, what a creep.
And those girls,
bottom of the barrel.
Let me handle this.
Pride, grace and dignity.
Come on!
Barbara, one more thing.
Are you busy Tuesday for lunch?
Boy, those waiters
chased us for three blocks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, who would have thought
the French could
run so fast, huh?
Well, it was really
funny to see them
chasing after them
lobsters you set free.
I hope they make it home.
Home to the sea.
Oh, I doubt they'll even
make it to Maine, there, Shirl.
Yeah, maybe they can
settle on Lake Michigan.
Maybe we should try this again
next week, what do you say, huh?
Yeah, how about the
Godzilla Film Festival?
18 straight hours of
monsters in Tohoscope.
Maybe we shouldn't
rush into this, huh, fellas?
Catching this? It's
real subtle over here.
Yeah, yeah, the
old headache alarm.
A truck doesn't have to hit me.
Mm-hmm, if it
does, I'll be driving it.
Well... listen, girls,
Lenny and I are officially
calling this date over.
Yeah, and since
you've been so nice,
we ain't going to try
and get anything off ya.
Well, good night.
That's it.
Date's over. Good-bye.
That's all there is.
See you around.
Oh, yeah, live in the
same building. Yeah.
Well, what do you think?
He kissed better
than the vacuum.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪