Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 18 - Honeymoon Hotel - full transcript

Shirley wins a honeymoon vacation in a fancy hotel and she and Laverne decide to take advantage of it. Carmine poses as Shirley's husband and they sneak Laverne in, but after Carmine leaves, the girls quickly find out the hotel is intent on getting as many publicity photos of the married couple as possible throughout the vacation.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



I can't believe it!

She stood me up!

Shh! "Shh" is right.

Gee. Just took my heart

and flushed it right
down the old toilet bowl.

Shh!

Terrible, everybody's
got a date tonight.

Everybody's got a date.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is called "my
TV works, yours don't".

It's not a date.

I wasn't even counting you.

Uh... Shirley's got
a date, don't she?

Who's she got a date with?

She went to the movies

with some big shot
down at the brewery.

I think he's head of Yeast. Wow.

You know, I even
gave her my best line.

The one about I was a terminal
case with two weeks to die.

Look... who cares?

I mean, she had cold
sores all over her mouth.

Those wasn't cold sores.

They was beauty marks.

Will you guys shut up, huh?

Look, I'm trying to watch

From Here to Eternity here, huh?

Look, Squiggy, if
you want to stay,

sit down and shut up. I
don't know what I want to do.

If not, get out of here.
I don't want to stay.

I'll do whatever I feel
like. Then sit down.

I'll sit down if I want.
Don't give me orders.

I can sit down, I can
leave. Sit down and shut up.

Sit down and shut up. I got
my own... all right, shut up.

Oh, would you look at that?

Burt Lancaster and
Deborah Kerr are making out.

What're you getting
so excited about?

It's just a picture.

They're probably not even
using their own tongues.

It's done with this,
uh... trick photography.

Huh.

There's no butter on this,

would you butter
this, Len, please?

There's no butter on that.

I can't believe it!

They're walking into
the water together.

What a couple of jerks. Shh!

Come on, this is the best part.

This is where they
lay down on the sand.

Could never happen.

Could never happen,
and that is a fact.

You mean to tell me

that there ain't no motels

in the entire state
of Pearl Harbor?

Oh, boy, what a
hunk he is, huh? Huh?

You know, he ain't such a much.

He didn't even remember to bring

a blanket to the beach.

Probably thinks he's a grunion.

Shut up, I'm watching the movie.

We will be back to our
feature in a moment.

Hi, lovers.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hey, this is your host,
Lucky Ray Hooter,

bringing you Saturday
Night Movies for Lovers.

Now, Lucky Ray's going
to give this love drum a spin

and some lucky lovers
a chance of a lifetime.

Yeah.

The rules are very simple.

Anyone about to
be married is eligible.

Hey, I've got a card.

Now while we see
if our lucky lovers

are waiting by the
phone, I will read

our viewer's story. Oh, good.

"I am a young bride-to-be

with no money, and no
hopes for a honeymoon."

Aw. That's tough.

"My ambition in
life is to help people

"who are less
fortunate than myself,

although I don't know any."

We're right here.
We're right here.

Signed, Miss Shirley Feeney.

What? What?

Did he say Shirley
Feeney? No, Shirley Weenie.

Hello?

Hello, Love Movies calling.

Is Miss Shirley Feeney in?

Uh, uh, uh...

uh, uh, uh... I'll go get her.

What'll I do? Shirley
entered the contest!

Pretend that you're her, you
don't want to blow this. Yeah, right.

Uh... coming to
the phone, Laverne.

Hello, this is Miss
Shirley Feeney.

Well, hello there,
lucky lovebird.

Say, do you watch
our movie all the time?

All the time. Great
movie. Constantly.

When I'm not out helping others.

Just fine.

Now, if you answer
this question,

you'll be on your way to
a fabulous honeymoon.

Honey... Oh...

Now, what famous
lovers were prevented

from marrying because
of their feuding families?

Family. Feuding
families, feuding families...

Esther Gutenburg...

Esther Gutenburg, her
father hated Persians.

Es... no!

Uh... I...

I believe it was
Romeo and Juliet.

That's absolutely right!

And for that correct answer,

you and your fiancé

will be spending a
honeymoon weekend

in the sweetheart suite
of downtown Milwaukee's

most famous pleasure palace,

the Hotel Pfister!

Hello?

Hello? Hello?
She'll be right there.

Hello? Hello?

Oh... thank you, kind sir, bye.

I can't believe it.
Come on, let's go down

to the movies and
get Shirley and tell her

she won a honeymoon.
She won a honeymoon!

I won a honeymoon?
I won a honeymoon?

Where did I win a honeymoon?

How did I win a honeymoon?

Wait. Wait for me!

He actually said
my name on the TV.

You mean they actually said

my name on the TV?

Tell me again, how'd they
say it? How'd they say it?

Miss Shirley Feeney.

I can't believe it.

The Love Drum spun my way.

This is the first time
I ever won anything

in my whole entire life.

This could be the beginning
of a lucky streak for me.

My ship has finally come in.

I hope there's a
cabin boy in it for me.

Oh, Shirl, I'm telling you,

it's going to be terrific.

And we have got
the perfect plan.

Tomorrow morning,
bright and early,

we go to the heart

of downtown Milwaukee, huh?

To that beautiful
Hotel Pfister, and then

Carmine plays the groom.

I play the bride.

Yeah... and, uh,

then they take that
picture of you and him

crossing the threshold,
that one picture, and then

you and me have a weekend, huh?

Oh, boy.

I just don't want

to get in trouble, that's all.

Aw, come on, it's
going to be fun, huh?

Everybody's jealous
of us, aren't they?

Lenny and Squiggy have
been begging us all week

to let them go with
us, huh? That's true.

I just don't want to get caught,
that's all I'm worried about,

you know... Well, if
you were that worried,

how come you entered the
contest in the first place, huh?

I entered that contest
18 months ago.

- I thought for sure MRS.
- Hey, girls!

I'd be a bride by now.

Here's all my wedding gowns.

All five of them. How beautiful.

You can take your pick.

We've got everything here

from virginal white

to here we go again red.

Oh, they're beautiful.

This one's reversible.
You can wear it in court.

Oh, thanks for the
dresses, Mrs. Babish.

And the trunk.

Oh, just have fun.

I had some great weddings.

Lousy marriages,
but great weddings.

Shirley, did you pick a dress?

Yeah, which one are
you going to wear?

I'm wearing white.

I earned it!

All right, right
this way, please.

Okay, let's get one
here in the threshold.

Very nice, just
a few more, kids.

Smile. If you're not happy now,

you never will be.

He said one more
picture. Have patience.

Mr. Happy Honeymooner,

we pay for everything but tips.

Oh, right, sure.

Um... could you hold this

for a second, here? Carmine!

I don't know this man.

Here.

Uh, sir...

Oh, right... I lost
my head there.

Now, just one more shot,

then we'll leave you
two lovebirds alone.

Very nice, all right, Herbie.

Don't try to do
everything in the first night.

Andretti? That's the best name

you could come up with?

What's wrong with Ragusa?
I've had that all my life.

You're the one who
wanted to go undercover.

You're the one who wore
the moustache, not me.

And what's wrong
with a moustache?

My Uncle Ernie got
married in a moustache.

I didn't marry your
Uncle Ernie, now did I?

Right, help me with this.

Right.

Air. Air.

Air. Air.

If I was a turtle,

you would have punched
holes in the top of that thing.

One, two, three.

Up you go.

Hey... open your legs up.

Hey, shake up.
Bounce up and down.

Come on. Walk around.
I'm gonna find a bathroom,

get out of this monkey suit.

Come on, Laverne. Come on.

Let's walk. Atta girl.

We did it, huh? Yes, we did.

Our plan worked. We did it.

We're here!

Oh, Laverne, this is going
to be a fun-packed weekend.

Do you know what's
going on in this hotel?

What? What? First of all,
there's a doctor's convention.

No. True. And then there's

a Hungarian circus
staying here in the hotel.

Oh, I love circuses!

And in the Maconda Room

they are featuring
Leroy and his organ.

Oh, we don't want to miss that.

Oh, boy, are we
going to have fun.

Every night... CARMINE:
Gee, this place is great.

I wish I could stay.

But I got to get
back to dance class,

I got a whole conga
line waiting for me.

Gee, thanks,
Carmine. Thanks again.

Yeah, you've really
been a good sport.

Carmine. Carmine.

You forgot this. Easy, easy.

Just don't worry,

everything will be
all right. Just relax,

have a good time, I
mean, how often do people

like us get to walk
around in a place like this?

I can't believe it!

Look at this place, look at it!

Oh, Laverne, this must
be how Liberace lives.

Yeah. Look at this.

Look, double doors.

Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I tell you?

Look at this little cherub.

Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I tell you?

What's in here?

A closet! A closet!

Oh, look. Look at this painting.

Oh, didn't I tell
you? Didn't I tell you?

Oh, what kind of view,
a view of the alley.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh.

Oh... look at this
bed, will you?

Oh, who wouldn't
want to vo-de-oh-doh

in a joint like this?

I'm going to go check
out the bathroom.

I'm going to check out this bed.

Oh...

A singing bed!

You should try; come on.

Whoo! That is great.

You should see
the bathroom. What?

In the bathroom, everything
is all heart-shaped.

Even the little seat
is heart-shaped.

No! Really.

Really, look at
this, look at this.

Oh...

Oh, it smells just like hearts.

I can't wait to set my
hair with this, you know.

What are you doing?

Look at this Cupid
up over the bed.

Look at his eyes.

His eyes follow you
everywhere, look.

Huh!

Go that way.

It's a cross-eyed Cupid.

Why would he do
something like that?

I don't know.

Who is it? Mr. Gunther.

Mr. Gunther.

Get in the trunk.
Not in the trunk!

All right, get under the
bed, then, get under the bed.

There is no under,
there's no under.

Just go in the bathroom,
hide in the bathroom.

I'll take care of him, yes.

Come in.

Just stopped by
for a couple of shots

of the complimentary champagne.

Oh, I, I thought that there was

just the one shot
over the threshold.

Oh, no, no, no, no, we
take pictures all weekend.

Come on, let's set...

Oh, my, my husband
is in the bathroom.

Don't worry, I quite understand.

We'll be back in
about 15 minutes.

Oh, good, good.

That will make Guido very happy.

Thank you.

Good-bye, Mr. Gunther.

15 minutes! 15 minutes?

They're going to be taking
snapshots all weekend! All weekend?

Carmine is gone. Gone?

What are we gonna do?!
What are we gonna do?

We're gonna get in trouble!

No! They're gonna catch us!

They're gonna arrest
us! No, they aren't.

Yes, they're gonna arrest us!

They're gonna put us in prison!

Oh... Oh, I feel so much better.

Come in...

Hello, happy honeymooners,
your 15 minutes are up.

I hope you made good use of it.

Guido, darling, they're here.

It looks like he's lost weight.

Uh... well, he just
took a hot shower,

and steam always
does that to him.

Isn't that odd?

Darling... darling... give
me your sweetie paw.

Give me your sweetie paw.

Here we go.

I think they should
screen these contestants

a little more closely.

Set up right over here, Herbie.

This is the
champagne... Mm-hmm...

in the glasses in the hand shot.

Mm-hmm.

Would you remove the towel?

It will make a better picture.

Uh... he just washed his hair

and he's very
susceptible to head colds,

and I'm so frightened

that during our
honeymoon, he might...

I can pull it back, though.

Better? Oh, there.

There we go.

I-I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what.

Uh, maybe the hat will help.

There, how's that?

Uh-huh? Yes? Okay.

Here, darling, here, honey.

Take that, take
the glass, honey.

You two must have some
very amusing times together.

Oh... Very nice. Thank you.

That's all, Herbie.

Right.

Now, we won't be wanting
you to wear that towel

in the other photo sessions.

It's a no-no, contest rules.

You are scheduled...

for a garden-side
photo session at 10:30.

Then on to the
gift shop at 11:00.

And, oh, by the way,

the Rosen Bar Mitzvah
would just love it

if you would take
some photos with them

in the Belvedere Room at 11:30.

It's not mandatory,
you understand... Oh.

But it would be nice
since we are the,

the Bar Mitzvah
center of Milwaukee.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Gunther, Mr. Gunther.

Uh, I'm afraid that Guido,

Guido and I will
not be able to make

the photo sessions. You see, uh,

we're allergic to large
doses of outdoor air.

We have to have those photos.

Now, if you don't come to us,
we will have to come to you.

Oh, but Mr. Gunther,
it's our honeymoon.

Don't worry, we'll be
listening for the music.

And we will be back.

Oh.

Good-bye.

We faked them out, huh?

We faked them out?

We can't have
any fun in this hotel.

All they want to
do is take pictures.

We're trapped here.

Yeah, but only of you.

I'm free.

Oh, no, you wouldn't leave
me alone on our honeymoon,

would you?

Oh... You want to
have fun, don't you?

Huh? Yeah.

Well, if, uh, we can't
go out and have the fun,

I will bring the fun here.

Well, what am I supposed
to do in the meantime?

Play the bed.

Hello, hello?

Hello, hello, is this
the Bell Captain?

Uh, hello, this is
Mrs. Guido Andretti.

Oh, thank you, thank you,
no, no, thank you very much.

Um... I was wondering if you
saw a person down in the lobby

wandering around with a very
prominent "L" on their sweater?

Not now, Mr. Gunther!

Oh, Guido!

Guido, my own Italian husband!

What are you doing?

I'm making honeymoon noises.

Keep Gunther out.

He's been at that
door every ten minutes.

And where have
you been, pray tell?

Do I have a surprise for you.

Come on, boys!

Ye-ow!

Room service?

No, no.

Uh, I, I want you to meet
the Flying Yatsovicks.

Uh, that's Yatso and
that's Vicks over there.

Um, they don't speak English.

Why are they bowing?

Oh... it's the dress.

They think you're a queen.

Go with it, go
with it, go with it.

Shirl, we got the
makings of a party here.

And this is just the beginning.

I met a whole bunch
of circus people

and a couple of
guys I met in the lobby

and... well, I bumped into
Lenny and Squiggy downstairs.

They were crashing the
proctologists' convention.

No! Yeah.

Uh, big Rosie is there,
too, without Ogden,

hanging on to everybody.

Really?

Hello, girls.

Who are the guys in
the Superman suits?

Uh, Lenny and Squiggy,

I'd like you to meet
the Flying Yatsovicks.

Yah! Gee.

Yah!

Ha.

Yeah!

See, Shirl, we got a party here.

Lenny, Lenny.

Oh, okay. See you later, guys.

Hey, had a wonderful
time, hate to leave,

but I think Squiggy's
in love again.

This time for real.

Laverne, Laverne,
why do we fight, huh?

Tell me, do you
resent my wealth?

My big house, my furs?

Yeah.

Ah...

Still can belt them
down, huh, Rosie?

Yeah.

Just a bimbo in my soul.

Whoo-hoo!

Well... now you
are my kind of man.

But then, who isn't?

Yah! Yah!

Yah!

Oh! Yah! Yah! Yah!

Yah! Yah! Yah!

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yay!

Yah! Yah!

Yah! Yah! Yah!

Yah! Yah!

Oh, Mr. Gunther! Mr. Gunther!

What is this?

Uh, this is, uh...
Excuse me, hello.

I'm a member of the wedding
party, sister of the groom.

Yes.

Well, we pay for the
honeymoon, but not the reception.

Uh, no, this, this
is not the reception.

This is an old
Italian tradition.

It's called, uh, "Spending The
First Night of The Honeymoon

With The Entire Family."

Right.

You don't belong
in a luxury hotel.

You've taken the holy
institution of matrimony

and turned it into an
absolute shambles!

Along with publicity, I
knew you were a phony.

Didn't I tell you, Herbie?

Definitely!

Yes. I'm always right.

Uh, does this mean
that we don't get

our continental breakfast
tomorrow morning?

There will be no tomorrow!

I could have you arrested, you
and your band of flying loonies!

Oh, arrested! I told you.

You're all loonies,

you're crooks, you're
creeps, you're thieves...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

On the other hand,

who's to say what's
right and what's wrong?

Generally, Mr. Gunther,
it's the bimbo with the bucks.

That's right.

And we are having
a private party here

and you two are not invited.

And we have this room until
tomorrow at check-out time.

Now get out, get out!

That's right! Drinks
for everybody!

Drinks for everybody!

Yeah, Rose!

Well, everything turned
out all right, don't you think?

Well, not everything.

The bellhops won't
carry down our trunk.

But still, it was
a great weekend.

I hate to leave this place.

Yeah, we'll never get

to stay in a place
like this again.

Bite your tongue.

I'll get to stay in a
place like this again.

Doesn't your balloon ever...?

Well, maybe you will.

Come on. Let's go.

What is that? Nothing.

What is it? Come on.

Nothing, it's nothing.

What is it? I want
to see. What is it?

Show it to me, Laverne.

No! No! No!

Put it back. No!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪