Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 13 - Playing Hooky - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



You hate getting
up in the morning,

that's the trouble with you.

Yes, I do.

Come here a minute, I
wanna show you something.

Oh, gee, Just come with me

for a minute. What do you want?

Look out here.

Look at this.

Look out there, what do you see?

A dog by a hydrant.

No, it's a beautiful day.

Breathe in that air,

it's a beautiful, beautiful day.

So? What good's a beautiful day?

We're not gonna see
much of it at the brewery.

Yeah.

That's true. Yeah.

You know a room
that holds 75 people

really should have a window.

Especially working
with Bertha Krotsky.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let's go have
our beautiful day,

and let's get dressed for work.

Wait a minute. What?

Let's not go to work.

What?

Why should we
have to go to work?

I mean, you didn't
sleep all night,

it's a beautiful day,
why do we have to work?

Don't we have a
right to some fun, huh?

What, you mean just
the two of us have fun?

How are we gonna have fun?

Look.

If you take the day off
with me, I swear to you,

I promise you, Laverne,

you will have more fun than
you have had in ten years.

I promise you. Come
on, let's not go to work.

Yeah, but if we don't get a, go
to work, then we don't get paid.

You do go to work,
then you do get paid,

That's part of the
American dream.

We have sick days
coming to us, don't we?

Yeah.

All right, we take
the day off today,

and then one day when
we're sick, we go in to work.

Yeah.

Now, you see, all
it comes down to

is outwitting the brewery.

We have to come up with a plan,

something really clever,

something so
clever that it could...

it could fool us,

I mean something really neat.

A neat plan.

Hello?

This is Laverne
DeFazio, bottlecapping,

yeah, I'm sick today so
I'm not gonna come in.

Okay, bye.

Clever as a fox!

Clever.

I'm free. Here you go.

Yes, yes, right.

But you see, I have
to be even more clever.

Why? They know I room with you.

I must come up
with a short disease.

Something horrible.

Something awful.

Something absolutely wretched.

Hello.

Listen, uh... I, uh,
I figured I'd give

you girls first crack

at driving me and Lenny
to work this morning.

Sorry, we can't do that, Squigg.

Why not?

Because, uh, we
are taking the day off.

But it's a Tuesday.

The world works on Tuesday.

Not us.

And don't you breathe
a word about this

to anybody at the brewery.

What's in it for me for
keeping my trap shut?

Nothing.

That ain't enough.

I tell you what, why don't
you, uh, return the favor

by some real favors, you
know, human-type favors.

Listen, Shirl, I can ditch Lenny

and stay home
with you if you want.

No.

We could watch TV. No.

Sit around? No.

Fry some fish? No!

No, no, no, no one
else is coming with us.

This is our day alone.

Lawdy, dawdy, daw, daw, daw!

I mean, uh, you can't go
where we're going either,

'cause Lenny and I are
delivering a keg of beer

to the Brad Street
Burlesque House.

Oh, we're going to miss that.

Good morning, ladies.

'Morning. 'Morning.

Hi.

Yeah, uh, what's
with the camera?

What would you take to a
burlesque house? A toaster?

Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me for a minute.

What are you
wearing this suit for?!

We're going to a strip joint.

People will think you're
going to whip out a subpoena!

This is my Sunday suit.

That place is closed on Sunday.

That's when they wash the women.

Wait a minute!

Remember, tick a lock.

Don't open your
mouth at the brewery.

What's she talking about?

That's for you to know
and me to find out!

Okay!

Yeah. So here we go.
Okay, well, yeah, uh...

They're gone, and
we are on our own!

Yes, where are we gonna
go? What are we gonna do?

Everywhere and
everything. Oh, good.

Clear the decks,
no holds barred.

We're gonna just see how much
excitement this town can take.

I think I'm gonna wear shorts.

Shorts? That's it.

Shorts... yes.

What will I tell them at work?

Tell them that you're sick.

That's right!
Clever, very clever.

Hello?

This is Shirley
Feeney's father...

Boy, this is our day, Shirl.

Come on, come on, let's
play on the monkey bars.

Play on the monkey
bars... the monkey bars...

Uh, Shirl, when are we gonna

have that big fun we
were talking about?

What? We went to the bakery
and bought day-old cookies.

That wasn't fun? No.

We went and saw
Bwana Devil in 3-D.

You didn't have fun there?

Well, only when the
arrows were coming at me.

You know, you really look
dumb in those 3-D glasses?

Here, let me take them off.

Whoa-ho!

Hey, don't lose those.

I want to show them to my
cousins Mickey and Mikey.

Nah, I'm just gonna put
them in my pocketbook here.

You know, Shirl, my idea
of fun is meeting guys.

And my idea of big fun
is meeting cute guys.

Oh, yeah?

Like in the movies,
winking and flirting

with those two
guys in the balcony?

Yeah. I was just trying
to have some fun there.

What am I?

Upside down. No.

Aw, that's crazy. No.

I don't know,
wha-what, uh... uh...

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Squeaking I don't know...

Forget it, I'm a
bat! Get me down!

Get me down! Okay.

Oh, that's the ice-cream man.

No! No, no, no, no! Oh.

Please! All right, wait.
Okay, okay. Let me get...

No... Here, give me your leg.

Give me your leg, here.

There, okay, now...
Lean on... All right...

Wait, wait... All right. No...

Okay.

Oh... Wait! Wait!

Oh, you go get the ice cream,

'cause I paid for the
popcorn in the movie.

All right, I got a buck,

What do you want? A fudge-icle.

Fudge-sicle. Fudge-icle.

Fudge-sicle! Fudge-icle!

Fudge-sicle! Fudge-icle!

All right, have it your way.

I was here first.

Um... Oh, Melissa
was here first.

Well, not really.

Oh, play nicely, Melissa.

Bye-bye.

Uh, uh, little girl,
could you stop

so I could get on with you, too?

No!

Well, can't we share here?

No!

Why not?

I don't want to.

Oh, come on

Leave me alone, or
else I'll call my mother.

You big horse!

Haw-haw!

Laverne, Laverne,
come here with me...

I can take that
kid, I can take her.

I'm telling you, I can take her.

I leave you alone
for two minutes,

and you pick a fight
with a darling little girl.

That darling little girl
called me a big horse.

Eat your fudgesicle, will ya?

Fudge-icle.

Did the big horsey say... Ow!

Ooooh!

You never did play nice.

I did so.

Oh-oh, Shirl, I see those
two cute guys from the movies.

Where? Over there,
by the fountain.

How can you tell it's
them from this distance?

You gotta trust me on this one.

Hello! Are you crazy?

They must be half a block away.

That's why I'm yelling here.

Hello!

Oh-oh, they're heading this way.

Oh, oh, men in suits.

I'll handle this.

You broke my fudge-icle! Shh!

Aah, now I gotta wash this off.

Hello there. Hello.

Didn't my friend and I see your
friend and you at the movies?

Yeah. We left right at the part

where they were throwing
the virgins into the volcano.

Wasn't that realistic?

I felt as though they
were going to reach down

into my row and
pluck me up and...

That's a little joke.

You girls students? No.

Housewives? Single.

Oh? Yes.

We're just footloose
and fancy-free.

Fun is our motto.

We live for the laughs.

It was nice meeting you. Yes.

See you later.

Well, all set.

How come he went
back to his friend?

I don't know.

Those are the same two
guys we saw in the movies,

and now they're
here at the park.

You don't suppose they're
following us, do you?

Well, if they were,
they stopped.

Well, there's bigger
fish in the sea, anyway.

Oh, look, Melissa's
off the merry-go-round.

Great. I haven't
done this in years.

Get on. I'll balance
out on this side.

Okay, you gotta...

Yes, well, when this
thing comes around...

Yeah... Oh, oh,
thank you, Melissa.

Thank you, darling.

See, I told you she
was a sweet child.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you. LAVERNE: Uh...

That'll be enough
now. You may go.

Yeah, that's enough kid.

Good-bye.

Come on, Melissa, oh!

That's enough, kid!

I'm going to get you for this!

Oh! Oh! Get out of here!

What am I gonna do?

Ah...

Pop!

Laverne! Shirley,
what, what is...

Mr. DeFazio, what are you doing
here in the middle of the day?

Oh, I, uh, uh, it's quiet...

I was thirsty... thirsty.

Well, what happened,

did you run out of stuff to
drink down at the Pizza Bowl?

No, no! There's a lot of
stuff to drink down there.

What are you two doing here?!

It's Tuesday.

You're out of work?

No... No...

You sick? No. No,
we were at work.

We were at work,
We were at work.

And then we
remembered that we, uh...

Left the oven on.
Left the oven on,

and Laverne got very worried...

Yes, so we came home

to turn it off..
And-and... Hello. Hello?

Hello?

Frank, I thought you said
we were going to be alone.

Listen, I-I can't. I mean...

I'll explain later.

This is, uh, Miss Marzetti,

uh, and she came here to...

to fix the phones.

The phones, huh?

Well, how are they working?

Not as good as they could.

Oh, my father's got a
date. He's got a date!

Shh. Shut your mouth.

This could turn out to
be your future mother.

No... Yeah. Aw, Pop,

is that gonna be my new mommy?

Ah... No. No.

Well, look, Pop, if
you had a... date,

why didn't you use
your own place?

I don't want to. I don't want
anybody to know where I live,

What, are you, crazy? Why?

'Cause then, then they come
around, they hang around.

They put bobby pins all over.

And they say, "Frank. Frank,

give me a little
kiss there. Mmm."

You understand that?

That's all.

So... I'll... Don't say
nothing to nobody.

Nothin', nothin'.

A lot goes on here
during the day there.

Let's get ready for the
old happy hour, huh?

To happy hour, at Otto's.

What do you want to
wear to a snake pit?

Uh, well, I've only
been to Otto's once,

but as I recall it was very...

Laverne, don't
turn around... Ouch.

I said don't turn around.

I'm real sorry that I did.

Hi, ya, Footloose.

Hello, there.

It's them. It's them.

What are we gonna do?

Hi, ya, cuties.

What are you doing?

Can we come in and visit?

Yeah. No, no!

We have to feed

our German shepherds,
Hans and Fritz.

German shepherds.

Hans and Fritz.

Hans, who knocks them down,

and Fritz who chews them up.

Uh, excuse us for a
second, huh, guys?

Come on. See, they did like us.

They followed us home.

Let's let them in, huh?

Look, there's something

very mysterious
about these guys.

I mean, they follow
us, then they leave,

then they show up here.

Why would they do that, huh?

Because they were
trying to figure out

which one of them
gets which one of us.

Very clever.

Come on, let's let them in.

Come on, you promised me fun.

You promised me. I mean,
my pop even had a date,

and all I did was
get called a big horse

by that little bratty
kid. All right. Okay.

All right, we'll let them in.

Okay. All right, but wait.

If they can be mysterious,

then we can be mysterious, too.

You want me to
wear a trench coat?

No! We're not going to tell them

that we work at Shotz.

We'll say we're models.

Models.

Yes.

Um, okay, guys. Guys...

give us five minutes to change
and then you can come in.

Uh, you got to go up the
stairs and then down the stairs.

We live in the
cellar. We're models.

Don't you know how to play
charades? She said "movie."

All right, all right...

Bambi! Bambi! Bambi!

"How Much is that
Doggie in the Window"?

No. She went like this.

It's a movie, not a song!

Movie, a movie. Uh... um...

The Long, Long, Long Trailer.

No!

That's it. Time's
up, What is it?

The Hounds of the Baskervilles.

Well, why didn't
you go like this?

What for?

For "Baskervilles."

I was still working on "hounds."

I was baying out my little
heart to the moon, there.

Come here. Come here.

You did real great, honey.

Thanks, Ernie.

You girls want to
dance some more?

Honey, you want to dance?

Okay. Sure.

Okay. Let's go.

I wish these guys would
learn how to dance.

I'm getting tired of dancing
with you, here, Shirl.

May I?

Sure.

Oh, I'm ready for a little
footloose and fancy free.

I'll drink to that.

Me, too.

I'll pour.

Hey... Oh.

Uh, folks we have a
little announcement here.

We have no more wine.

But... I will go down
to the liquor store

and get some more.

Oh, Ernie, you
don't have to do that.

Well, I know I don't
have to, apple cheeks.

I want to.

Champagne?

Champagne?

A little champagne?

Oh... Oh... Champagne it is.

Today, the sky is the limit!

Champagne, Shirl.
Did you hear that?

Champagne. Oh, thanks, Ernie.

Uh... could you come down here?

Could you come up here?

You've got it.

Yeah, your friend's
awfully friendly.

Yes, well. She kisses
at the drop of a hat...

Whoo.

Uh, well, don't
take too long, huh?

I'll be right back.

Okay. Watch your
head going out there.

Isn't he sweet?

I mean, isn't he sweet?

Tall and sweet.

Absolutely.

Sweet. You're sweet,
too, apple cheeks.

Oh... oh... Oh, listen,
I can't remember

when I've had this great a time.

Oh, really?

You girls are terrific!

Yeah, we are. I, uh...

I want you each
to have something.

Money?

Yeah, a little token
of our appreciation.

What is it?

A little note?

It's a hundred dollars!

Oh, that's a good token.

Oh, Bob, we can't take this.

No, go on. Come on,
we drank your wine.

We gobbled your dip. You did.

We're having a great time.

Go out and buy
yourselves a little bauble.

A bauble. A bauble.

What's a bauble?

I don't know, but we
can buy a big one.

Oh, Bob, are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Oh, Bobby, Bobby.

Oh, Bobby, Bobby.

Oh. Is it really for us, really?

Yeah, really.

Oh, that's so sweet and
kind and generous of you.

Uh, do what you
want with it. Mm-hmm.

But remember, once I
give it to you, it's yours.

Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

A hundred bucks.

What are we gonna do with it?

We'll put it in the Bible
with our secret money.

Good idea.

Oh, Laverne. Hmm?

I'm so happy I could cry.

Our Prince Charmings
have come at last.

You're telling me...
Our ships have come in.

See? This is what
I call a fun day.

You know why we've never met

these gentlemanly-
like guys before?

'Cause they're all out in the
daytime while we're at work.

Ezekiel 26.

Robbers never look in Bibles.

I think I'm in...

Did you girls, uh, spend
your money already?

No, Bob, it's in a safe place.

In the Bible? How'd
you know that?

Ezekiel 26? How
did you know that?

I was listening at the door.

Oh.

I'm no Prince Charming.

And your ship is gonna sink.
- Huh?

I'm Bob Mathias.

Vice squad.

Vice squad?

Oh, that makes, uh,
Ernie a cop, too. Ah.

That's right, he's my captain
and you're under arrest.

Under arrest? Under arrest?

For what? For putting
money in a Bible?

I'll put it in a dictionary.

No, for soliciting.

Soliciting? Soliciting what?

Men.

You must be joking.

Hey, what happened to the fun?

He thinks we're
loosey-goosey for money.

Oh.

Hey, we didn't even do nothing.

Look, we didn't
do anything, really.

Sorry, ladies... Come on, Bob!

No, that's resisting
arrest! Really! No!

Wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's going on here?

I checked them
out; they're pros.

I'm taking them downtown.

They took to the money
like fish take to water.

He gave us that
money for baubles.

Big baubles.

Wait a minute, you
offered them money?

I sure did.

You can't do that,
that's entrapment!

That's entrapment.

What's entrapment?

That's using bait to lure you.

We've been lured, Shirl.

Lurer!

Wait a minute, I thought
that's what you wanted me to do

when you went out
for the champagne.

Look, girls, I... I'm
very sorry about this,

but you see, he's-he's a rookie,
and it's his first case, and...

Why would you think
we're common hustlers?

Well, you're not students.

No.

You're not housewives. No.

You couldn't be models.

We work at Shotz Brewery.

Yeah, we're bottle
cappers playing hooky.

Give us a couple of
bottles, and we'll show you!

Hey.

It's okay.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

I tried to do good.

I messed the whole thing up.

Look, kid, if you
want to bust girls,

go down to the happy
hour at Otto's Snake Pit.

I was here five minutes,

and I knew they were nice girls.

Well, you never told me.

Well, I like rookies to
figure these things out.

Now uncuff them, and
we'll get back to the fun.

Wait a minute, I don't
fool around on duty.

I do... it's been a slow day.

Uncuff them.

I don't know
about you, you stiff,

but I was having a good time.

I think Laverne
here is quite a girl.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, now that I
know she's clean,

I, uh, kind of
like Shirley, too.

Oh, did you hear that, Laverne?

I'm still working on
"Laverne's quite a girl" here.

Ah, come on, Shirley, I really
do like your apple cheeks.

How dare you call
me "apple cheeks."

Here, take your
money and scramola!

Yeah, this is my
best friend here.

Um, girls, uh, why don't
you let us make it up to you?

Yeah? How?

Well, we'll take
you out to dinner.

Yeah?

Maybe a little pink champagne.

Yeah? Yeah?

Huh? Huh?

Why should we?

Why should I?

Um, I did buy the
champagne, yes?

Yeah, you did do that.

And, uh, I got the
handcuffs off you.

Finally.

And I really enjoyed
playing charades with you.

Yeah, you were
pretty good at that.

And more than anything else,
I really like you, bright eyes.

Oh.

Well, then, that's
a good reason.

Shirl?

They thought we were hookers.

That's no way to
begin a relationship.

It's no way to start...
She's not playing here.

Talk to her.

Talk to her.

How?

Beg.

Ah, Shirley, Shirley!

Please?

I'm sorry.

Come on, I'm a human cop.

Come on, I'll take you out
on a stakeout or something.

Come on, let's go
back to playing charades

and having a good time.

Ah.

Come on, apple cheeks.

We're both very
sorry, apple cheeks.

Come on, apple cheeks.

Huh?

Movie! Movie!

Four words! Four words!

First word! First word!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪