Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 11 - Guilty Until Proven Not Innocent - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Come on, can we get
moving? We're going to be late.
Get the car keys and let's go.
Remember, whatever you
do, do not make a left-hand turn
over 20 miles an hour
or the hood flies up.
Got it.
Also, do not turn on the radio
if you're using the
windshield wipers
or else the horn
will start honking.
Got it.
And whatever you do,
don't sit down too hard.
There is a spring
in the front seat
with a very mean temper.
Got it!
Look, if we don't
get a room tonight,
we got to sleep
outside the stadium.
Okay.
Listen, you two want to come?
We got four tickets.
Uh, look, Mr. DeFazio,
can I talk to you for a
second over here? What?
They can't come. Why not?
I kind of lined up a
couple of dates for us.
You can't come!
We couldn't go anyway.
All right, bye.
Have a good time.
Bye. You, too. Okay, you, too.
Okay, where do you want
to go shopping for my dress?
For a Policeman's Ball,
I have the perfect place
and the perfect color.
I see you in yellow.
Oh, yellow makes me look fat.
Yes.
That way, up against Norman,
it'll make him look thinner.
Oh... I hate when you say that.
Norman's not chubby.
He's just got big stomach bones.
Okay, all right, all
right, I see you in blue.
Blue. Then I'll look
like the rest of the cops.
We're getting you a
dress, not a uniform!
This is the perfect place?
Shirl. Hmm?
We do not belong here.
There is no harm in browsing.
We'll see the new styles, the
new fabrics, the new colors.
Then we'll take you
straight down to Woolworth's
and get you the
exact same thing.
Oh, okay.
All right, now, just browse.
Oh, Laverne!
Look at this sequined gown.
It is beautiful.
Oh... look at that.
Oh!
Whoa-ho, look at the price here.
That's a year's rent.
If we bought this,
we'd have to live in it.
Mark my words.
One day, we'll shop in here
and never look at the tags.
Huh, you're something.
Your balloon never lands.
You got egg yolk
all over your teeth.
Oh... Is it off?
No, use a Kleenex.
Oh!
Foreign colognes! Oh!
Mm... Guess how much this is.
I don't know.
75 bucks an ounce.
Whoa-ho!
I'll stick to my own
cologne, 75 cents a quart.
Is it off? Yep.
75 cents a quart?
May I, may I be of some
assistance to you ladies?
Uh, no, we were just leaving.
As a matter of fact, yes,
you might be of some
assistance, young man.
We're quite interested in
one of these garments here.
Uh, this one.
Mm-hmm.
You must be joking.
This is an original
Pierre De Oombah.
Uh, what's Oompah
asking for that baby there?
I beg your pardon?
What my rich, college-graduate
friend wants to know is:
how much does it cost?
This frock is $900.
For what? Mm... mm... mm... mm.
I'll give you 600 bucks
for it and not a penny more.
Take it or leave it.
What are you, crazy?
Young lady.
Young lady, please!
Carlisle's is an exclusive shop.
We cater to the well-to-do,
the creme de la creme.
Now if you'll excuse me, I see
some real customers over there.
Humph!
Hold on there, creme.
Us two girls wouldn't
buy dresses here
if we were rich and naked.
Look, I, I must ask you
both to... please, if you'd...
Get out of here!
Well, we do not have to
take this from someone
who smells like the lining
of my grandmother's purse.
Why...!
Yeah, you got that, Snoot Face?
Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.
Boy, was that guy a
phony or what, huh?
He was even wearing a toupee.
How could you tell? Really?
He was sweating glue there.
Well, forget about him.
People like that
are a dime a dozen.
Let's go to Woolworth's.
We'll have lunch and
then get your dress.
Who ya pushing, who ya pushing,
who ya pushing,
who are you pushing?
Would you mind opening
your purse, please?
She will not.
I'm a detective.
Open your purse. There you go.
Uh, I bought it, $1.98 at
Woolworth's, all paid for,
and it's what, one
or two years old?
Eh-eh-eh-eh, what's this?
How did that
hankie get in there?
Excellent work, Jenkins.
I knew these two
couldn't be trusted.
Wait, I did not
take that hankie.
Look, my friend is no thief.
I am no thief.
Well, we'll have to
settle this downtown.
Ooh! Downtown?
Okay, I'll come
with you; don't worry.
Ah, you're not allowed
to do that, miss.
But I didn't do anything.
I'm sorry, you'll have
to come with me.
Huh? Oh...
Shirl, you've got
to do something...
Oh! I broke the lady!
I don't want to go
to the big house!
I don't want to fry!
Hey, you... "L"... ante up.
Yeah.
Here you go.
All I know is
they got the best food
in the Madison prisons.
Cleveland's got the best food.
Don't tell me about best.
I'll stick your head
right through this cup.
Oh... Oh, I love
Cleveland, you know.
You like powdered fish?
Yeah, I love it.
The more powdered, the better.
Hi, ladies.
Hi, Laverne! Look who's here!
Oh, hi, there, buddy,
how you doing?
Uh, girls, this is my
partner here, Little Shirl.
Say hi.
Hello, everyone...
Enough, enough.
Um, we're planning
a big job here, so...
Bottle-capping down at the...
Ixnay on that, Shirl, ixnay.
These are tough people.
They eat powdered fish.
Well, don't worry about that.
You'll be out in no time.
What am I doing in here, Shirl?
I didn't do anything;
I'm innocent.
I mean, I figured out how
the hankie got in my purse.
It was when you asked me
to get the eggie off my teeth,
and I went and I
was cleaning it off,
and then I accidentally
dropped it in there.
Yes, of course.
And, and we're going to get
you out of here right away.
But in the meantime, I brought
you some things from home.
Oh, home.
Here's a change of underwear.
Make sure you change.
There you go. Tupperware?
I'm not having a party here.
No, that's milk and Pepsi.
They wouldn't let me
bring any glass in here.
Oh, that's so
sweet of you there.
Uh, we've got files in here.
Don't worry, we're all
going to get out of here.
And so you do not think
that you are traveling
this path alone...
Boo-Boo Kitty.
Oh... put it away.
Put Boo-Boo Kitty away.
But she wanted...
Put it in the bag.
Put it in the bag, in the bag.
Put it in the bag,
put it in the bag!
Okay, she's in the
bag! She's in the bag!
There!
Now, look.
Hmm?
These people do not
understand cute and warm.
No?
One of these girls cut up
her husband in little pieces
and is claiming
that it was suicide.
Oh, you're kidding me.
See, they understand a
hit, they understand a smack,
they'd just as soon rip
the nose right off your face
as soon as talk to you,
so it is very important that
I get along with these girls.
Okay. You want to...
Shirley... Norman! Norman!
It's terrible! It's horrible!
What are we
gonna do?! It's awful!
Do you know what
I've been through?
What you've been through?!
What I want to know is: can
we sue that store detective?
Shirley, I'm a
cop, not a lawyer.
Well, why don't you go out
and arrest the lawyer, Norman?
I can't; I'm afraid.
Oh, geez!
Why don't you get
yourself a public defender?
They're free.
Terrific! How do I get one?
Well, I've put your
name on a list.
You should get one in about
six months. Six months?!
Hey, remember me here?
That's my favorite cup, DeFazio.
Oh, it's a lovely cup,
it's a lovely cup; it's
got your little name on it.
Norman, what did you find out?
I want to get outta here.
Excuse me, Shirl, official
police business here.
Oh, all right.
Was I the first
person you called?
You swear to God I was
the first person you called?
Yes, you were the
first person I called.
I was the first
person she called.
Norman, now, what
did you find out?
How do I get outta here?
I'm going to get you
out of here, Laverne,
but it's going to cost you.
Cost me?
What's it going to cost me?
Really not an
easy thing to say...
Norman, wanna tell me how? Huh?
Your bail's gonna cost $500.
Five hundred dollars?!
But I didn't do anything.
Five hundred dollars!
Get it.
Five hundred dollars?! Get it.
Five hundred
dollars, why... Get it.
Five hundred dollars...
Better cut the gab, it's
time for the daily lineup.
A lineup? There's a lineup?
Get it, Shirl!
I will. I'll get $500.
I'll see... see you
girls at the lineup, huh?
A lineup... oh, a lineup.
"The Lord is my
shepherd, I shall not want..."
You're awfully tall.
Do you have trouble dating?
Okay, girls, this ain't the
Miss America Pageant.
Just quit your yacking.
Um, Number One, step forward.
Not you, DeFazio.
Oh, sorry.
It's been awhile since
I done one of these.
But I love it, though, you know?
All right, Number One.
No, that's not her.
Step back.
Number Two, step forward.
Not yet, DeFazio.
What were you arrested
for, being stupid?
N... No.
Step back.
All right, Number Two.
Definitely not her.
Step back, Number Two.
Number Three, step forward.
Now, DeFazio, now.
Maybe.
"Maybe," what?
Uh, DeFazio, give
me your profile.
Oh, it's not real good, my
nose is sort of long there.
You're right... let me
see the other side.
Oh, it's the same
nose from either side
that you look at it.
Well, maybe.
"Maybe," what?
Uh, DeFazio, repeat after me.
"Stick 'em up or I'll
blow your guts out!"
Oh, my God, no!
Please!
No, no, no.
Boy, I hate this
part of the job.
Miss DeFazio, step
forward, and please say,
"Stick 'em up or I'll
blow your guts out."
Stick your guts
out or I'll blow up.
The one who
robbed my gas station
couldn't say it right, either.
Gas station?
Do you think it's...
do you think it's her?
Well, I... I'm not sure.
Could I see the next one?
Step back, DeFazio.
Number Four, step forward.
Yeah, that's her.
Yeah! Yay! Oh.
You're going to go
away for a long time.
Oh... maybe you should take
the change of underwear.
The rest of you can leave.
Oh, does that mean
I'm free to go home now?
No. You're still being held
on the original charge.
♪ Oh, Laverne's in jail ♪
♪ And I can't come up ♪
♪ With the money ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's take five.
Uh, the spirit is willing,
but the lip is limp.
Hey, you feel a little
better now, don't you?
Nothing helps, Edna,
not even the blues.
Well, maybe a little bit more
of the cooking sherry.
Ah.
You feel better now?
Thank you.
Oh, don't feel so bad, Shirley.
You tried.
You got a little bit
of money, didn't you?
Four dollars.
Good.
I'll go buy some more sherry.
No... no, no, no, Mrs. Babish,
I just want to be alone.
Thanks for everything.
Aw... listen, remember,
you're a little bit tipsy.
So you go drink
some of that coffee,
and you go right to sleep.
Dear Father God,
Laverne's father is in Green Bay
with Carmine and the Packers.
You probably already know that.
You probably even
know the score.
So you can see how
desperate my situation is.
Please, please send me $500.
I deserve it. I'm a good girl.
I'm not a bad girl,
I'm not a bad girl.
Shirl!
Good God!
It's the Devil and Hoot Gibson!
It's worse than we thought.
Yeah, I thought I
was the Lone Ranger.
Shirl, get up off the floor,
you look like a fool. Come on.
Come on, give me
those legs over there.
Come on, come on, come on...
All right, don't
worry, don't worry.
Your problems are over.
We collected the
money for Laverne.
Great. How much?
$11.34.
$11.34?
Yeah, we told everybody we
was trick-or-treating for UNICEF.
UNICEF?!
You told them you were
trick-or-treating for UNICEF?
Don't worry, all
Laverne has to do is
send everybody a thank
you note from Africa.
Laverne can't go to Africa.
Laverne can't go anyplace
because Laverne
is rotting in jail
with common thugs and scalawags,
while I, her best friend,
sit drowning my
sorrows in cooking sherry.
Life's so difficult.
Boy, what a boring drunk.
Listen, girls can't
get drunk as good as guys.
Yeah, that's the
truth. You know?
Oh, here come the waterworks.
All right, all right,
chin upper lip, chin upper lip.
Come on, let's see
if we can walk her,
all right? Good idea.
Head east! East! Okay, okay.
Well, so long, girls.
I got my bail from my friends.
Bye. Bye.
See you in Vegas.
Sure, she knocks
over a gas station
and her friends
get her out on bail.
I'm innocent and
I'm sitting here.
Where are my friends?
Norman's at the Policeman's
Ball with some meter maid.
Shirley's sitting home
petting Boo-Boo Kitty.
You have got to
pull yourself together.
Laverne is in trouble,
so you gotta be strong.
Squiggy? Squiggy?
Yes, dear?
Will you take those horns off?
No! I'm going to
leave these horns on
because we ain't finished
collecting for Laverne.
But the rest is
up to you, Shirl.
Remember that.
Without you, the
rest of the world,
well, they couldn't
give two hoots
what happens to Laverne.
Probably not even one hoot!
Yes; without you,
Laverne is "hootless."
You forgot your rake.
In their own, odd
way, they're right.
I've got to do something.
Without me,
Laverne is "hootless."
Laverne?
Shirl.
Laverne you're not
alone; you have friends.
This man is my friend?
Mr. Clark, I think
you have something
to say to Miss DeFazio.
Well, uh, I'm going
to drop the charges.
I'm free?
You're free! I'm free!
Wow!
On, uh...
On one or two little provisos.
What?
The first proviso is
that you apologize
for your behavior,
especially for calling
me "Snoot Face."
Awww... okay,
you're not a snoot face.
Can I go home now?
Proviso number two:
that you admit you
stole the hankie.
But I didn't steal the hankie.
It was an accident.
You know that, Shirl.
Jerome, at dinner you mentioned
nothing about this
proviso number two.
You can't let this
riffraff run amok.
She must admit her
guilt, if only to me.
No. 'Cause I'm not guilty.
I didn't do anything.
It was an accident.
It was an accident
and you know it.
And you know what else?
You are a Snoot Face.
You know...
you can stay in here
for the rest of your life.
Do you know what you did?
You fed me a lot of pretenses.
You dragged me down
here at this awful hour.
You can't be nice
to people like you.
The only thing you understand...
is threats!
Hold on, Jerome.
You know something?
You're right.
Shirl!
You can't be nice
to some people.
You want a threat?
All right, I'll give
you a threat.
Either you drop these
charges right now,
or I will go to every
newspaper in Milwaukee
and tell them how Carlisle's
had a poor little working girl
thrown in the clink on
drummed-up charges.
Not only that,
but I will tell them
the man responsible
is Carlisle's bald manager!
Got it? Got it, Snoot Face?
Snoot Face!
Snoot Face! Snoot Face?!
Snoot Face! Snoot
Face! Snoot Face!
Snoot Face! Snoot Face!
Stop it!
Stop it!
I would just like to say...
that I'm going to
drop the charges.
Oh.
Because I don't want
to see you around.
And keep away
from Carlisle's Dress
Shop. Do you hear me?
And another thing, I have a lot
of good friends,
wealthy friends,
and tough friends!
And do you know something?
They love me!
Huh? Huh?
I'm out. I'm free.
See? I got friends, too.
Hey, maybe we could
help get you guys out.
Well, you I don't
know about, there.
Oh, boy, you were terrific.
You were great, there.
I did it, I got you out.
I was strong and I did it.
Oh, you sure did.
Well...
And I don't mind
telling you this, Shirl,
'cause, well, you
are my best friend.
But I was pretty scared here.
And, just... well,
thanks a million
for getting me out of here.
You were so good with that guy.
Thank you, come
on, let's go now.
Oh, just give me ten minutes,
I just want to
finish out this hand.
What?! One hand, here.
Are you crazy?
I go to all this trouble
thinking of your poor,
little soul rotting in jail.
I take a man to dinner,
a man with a snoot face,
I let him caress my arm
so he'll drop charges,
and all you want
to do is play poker?
This is my thanks?
This is the thanks I get?
She's got a pair of queens.
Hey, Shirl, you want
to play some poker?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
Hey, I hope you're not writing
in your diary that
I was in jail, there.
Of course I am not.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Pop.
Have any trouble with the car?
No, no trouble.
Just drive around the corner
and the hood went up!
And the brake don't work!
The horn don't
work! I know that.
Fix it! Okay.
What did you do?
You look rested.
Oh, nothing, I just stayed home.
Cooked, cleaned,
sewed a little bit.
Good, good.
A lot of practice.
Who knows, one of these days...
Yeah, one of these
days, I'll find a husband.
Don't worry, Pop, there.
Dear Diary, Jail
was not a total loss.
Laverne has
become a skillful liar.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Come on, can we get
moving? We're going to be late.
Get the car keys and let's go.
Remember, whatever you
do, do not make a left-hand turn
over 20 miles an hour
or the hood flies up.
Got it.
Also, do not turn on the radio
if you're using the
windshield wipers
or else the horn
will start honking.
Got it.
And whatever you do,
don't sit down too hard.
There is a spring
in the front seat
with a very mean temper.
Got it!
Look, if we don't
get a room tonight,
we got to sleep
outside the stadium.
Okay.
Listen, you two want to come?
We got four tickets.
Uh, look, Mr. DeFazio,
can I talk to you for a
second over here? What?
They can't come. Why not?
I kind of lined up a
couple of dates for us.
You can't come!
We couldn't go anyway.
All right, bye.
Have a good time.
Bye. You, too. Okay, you, too.
Okay, where do you want
to go shopping for my dress?
For a Policeman's Ball,
I have the perfect place
and the perfect color.
I see you in yellow.
Oh, yellow makes me look fat.
Yes.
That way, up against Norman,
it'll make him look thinner.
Oh... I hate when you say that.
Norman's not chubby.
He's just got big stomach bones.
Okay, all right, all
right, I see you in blue.
Blue. Then I'll look
like the rest of the cops.
We're getting you a
dress, not a uniform!
This is the perfect place?
Shirl. Hmm?
We do not belong here.
There is no harm in browsing.
We'll see the new styles, the
new fabrics, the new colors.
Then we'll take you
straight down to Woolworth's
and get you the
exact same thing.
Oh, okay.
All right, now, just browse.
Oh, Laverne!
Look at this sequined gown.
It is beautiful.
Oh... look at that.
Oh!
Whoa-ho, look at the price here.
That's a year's rent.
If we bought this,
we'd have to live in it.
Mark my words.
One day, we'll shop in here
and never look at the tags.
Huh, you're something.
Your balloon never lands.
You got egg yolk
all over your teeth.
Oh... Is it off?
No, use a Kleenex.
Oh!
Foreign colognes! Oh!
Mm... Guess how much this is.
I don't know.
75 bucks an ounce.
Whoa-ho!
I'll stick to my own
cologne, 75 cents a quart.
Is it off? Yep.
75 cents a quart?
May I, may I be of some
assistance to you ladies?
Uh, no, we were just leaving.
As a matter of fact, yes,
you might be of some
assistance, young man.
We're quite interested in
one of these garments here.
Uh, this one.
Mm-hmm.
You must be joking.
This is an original
Pierre De Oombah.
Uh, what's Oompah
asking for that baby there?
I beg your pardon?
What my rich, college-graduate
friend wants to know is:
how much does it cost?
This frock is $900.
For what? Mm... mm... mm... mm.
I'll give you 600 bucks
for it and not a penny more.
Take it or leave it.
What are you, crazy?
Young lady.
Young lady, please!
Carlisle's is an exclusive shop.
We cater to the well-to-do,
the creme de la creme.
Now if you'll excuse me, I see
some real customers over there.
Humph!
Hold on there, creme.
Us two girls wouldn't
buy dresses here
if we were rich and naked.
Look, I, I must ask you
both to... please, if you'd...
Get out of here!
Well, we do not have to
take this from someone
who smells like the lining
of my grandmother's purse.
Why...!
Yeah, you got that, Snoot Face?
Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.
Boy, was that guy a
phony or what, huh?
He was even wearing a toupee.
How could you tell? Really?
He was sweating glue there.
Well, forget about him.
People like that
are a dime a dozen.
Let's go to Woolworth's.
We'll have lunch and
then get your dress.
Who ya pushing, who ya pushing,
who ya pushing,
who are you pushing?
Would you mind opening
your purse, please?
She will not.
I'm a detective.
Open your purse. There you go.
Uh, I bought it, $1.98 at
Woolworth's, all paid for,
and it's what, one
or two years old?
Eh-eh-eh-eh, what's this?
How did that
hankie get in there?
Excellent work, Jenkins.
I knew these two
couldn't be trusted.
Wait, I did not
take that hankie.
Look, my friend is no thief.
I am no thief.
Well, we'll have to
settle this downtown.
Ooh! Downtown?
Okay, I'll come
with you; don't worry.
Ah, you're not allowed
to do that, miss.
But I didn't do anything.
I'm sorry, you'll have
to come with me.
Huh? Oh...
Shirl, you've got
to do something...
Oh! I broke the lady!
I don't want to go
to the big house!
I don't want to fry!
Hey, you... "L"... ante up.
Yeah.
Here you go.
All I know is
they got the best food
in the Madison prisons.
Cleveland's got the best food.
Don't tell me about best.
I'll stick your head
right through this cup.
Oh... Oh, I love
Cleveland, you know.
You like powdered fish?
Yeah, I love it.
The more powdered, the better.
Hi, ladies.
Hi, Laverne! Look who's here!
Oh, hi, there, buddy,
how you doing?
Uh, girls, this is my
partner here, Little Shirl.
Say hi.
Hello, everyone...
Enough, enough.
Um, we're planning
a big job here, so...
Bottle-capping down at the...
Ixnay on that, Shirl, ixnay.
These are tough people.
They eat powdered fish.
Well, don't worry about that.
You'll be out in no time.
What am I doing in here, Shirl?
I didn't do anything;
I'm innocent.
I mean, I figured out how
the hankie got in my purse.
It was when you asked me
to get the eggie off my teeth,
and I went and I
was cleaning it off,
and then I accidentally
dropped it in there.
Yes, of course.
And, and we're going to get
you out of here right away.
But in the meantime, I brought
you some things from home.
Oh, home.
Here's a change of underwear.
Make sure you change.
There you go. Tupperware?
I'm not having a party here.
No, that's milk and Pepsi.
They wouldn't let me
bring any glass in here.
Oh, that's so
sweet of you there.
Uh, we've got files in here.
Don't worry, we're all
going to get out of here.
And so you do not think
that you are traveling
this path alone...
Boo-Boo Kitty.
Oh... put it away.
Put Boo-Boo Kitty away.
But she wanted...
Put it in the bag.
Put it in the bag, in the bag.
Put it in the bag,
put it in the bag!
Okay, she's in the
bag! She's in the bag!
There!
Now, look.
Hmm?
These people do not
understand cute and warm.
No?
One of these girls cut up
her husband in little pieces
and is claiming
that it was suicide.
Oh, you're kidding me.
See, they understand a
hit, they understand a smack,
they'd just as soon rip
the nose right off your face
as soon as talk to you,
so it is very important that
I get along with these girls.
Okay. You want to...
Shirley... Norman! Norman!
It's terrible! It's horrible!
What are we
gonna do?! It's awful!
Do you know what
I've been through?
What you've been through?!
What I want to know is: can
we sue that store detective?
Shirley, I'm a
cop, not a lawyer.
Well, why don't you go out
and arrest the lawyer, Norman?
I can't; I'm afraid.
Oh, geez!
Why don't you get
yourself a public defender?
They're free.
Terrific! How do I get one?
Well, I've put your
name on a list.
You should get one in about
six months. Six months?!
Hey, remember me here?
That's my favorite cup, DeFazio.
Oh, it's a lovely cup,
it's a lovely cup; it's
got your little name on it.
Norman, what did you find out?
I want to get outta here.
Excuse me, Shirl, official
police business here.
Oh, all right.
Was I the first
person you called?
You swear to God I was
the first person you called?
Yes, you were the
first person I called.
I was the first
person she called.
Norman, now, what
did you find out?
How do I get outta here?
I'm going to get you
out of here, Laverne,
but it's going to cost you.
Cost me?
What's it going to cost me?
Really not an
easy thing to say...
Norman, wanna tell me how? Huh?
Your bail's gonna cost $500.
Five hundred dollars?!
But I didn't do anything.
Five hundred dollars!
Get it.
Five hundred dollars?! Get it.
Five hundred
dollars, why... Get it.
Five hundred dollars...
Better cut the gab, it's
time for the daily lineup.
A lineup? There's a lineup?
Get it, Shirl!
I will. I'll get $500.
I'll see... see you
girls at the lineup, huh?
A lineup... oh, a lineup.
"The Lord is my
shepherd, I shall not want..."
You're awfully tall.
Do you have trouble dating?
Okay, girls, this ain't the
Miss America Pageant.
Just quit your yacking.
Um, Number One, step forward.
Not you, DeFazio.
Oh, sorry.
It's been awhile since
I done one of these.
But I love it, though, you know?
All right, Number One.
No, that's not her.
Step back.
Number Two, step forward.
Not yet, DeFazio.
What were you arrested
for, being stupid?
N... No.
Step back.
All right, Number Two.
Definitely not her.
Step back, Number Two.
Number Three, step forward.
Now, DeFazio, now.
Maybe.
"Maybe," what?
Uh, DeFazio, give
me your profile.
Oh, it's not real good, my
nose is sort of long there.
You're right... let me
see the other side.
Oh, it's the same
nose from either side
that you look at it.
Well, maybe.
"Maybe," what?
Uh, DeFazio, repeat after me.
"Stick 'em up or I'll
blow your guts out!"
Oh, my God, no!
Please!
No, no, no.
Boy, I hate this
part of the job.
Miss DeFazio, step
forward, and please say,
"Stick 'em up or I'll
blow your guts out."
Stick your guts
out or I'll blow up.
The one who
robbed my gas station
couldn't say it right, either.
Gas station?
Do you think it's...
do you think it's her?
Well, I... I'm not sure.
Could I see the next one?
Step back, DeFazio.
Number Four, step forward.
Yeah, that's her.
Yeah! Yay! Oh.
You're going to go
away for a long time.
Oh... maybe you should take
the change of underwear.
The rest of you can leave.
Oh, does that mean
I'm free to go home now?
No. You're still being held
on the original charge.
♪ Oh, Laverne's in jail ♪
♪ And I can't come up ♪
♪ With the money ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's take five.
Uh, the spirit is willing,
but the lip is limp.
Hey, you feel a little
better now, don't you?
Nothing helps, Edna,
not even the blues.
Well, maybe a little bit more
of the cooking sherry.
Ah.
You feel better now?
Thank you.
Oh, don't feel so bad, Shirley.
You tried.
You got a little bit
of money, didn't you?
Four dollars.
Good.
I'll go buy some more sherry.
No... no, no, no, Mrs. Babish,
I just want to be alone.
Thanks for everything.
Aw... listen, remember,
you're a little bit tipsy.
So you go drink
some of that coffee,
and you go right to sleep.
Dear Father God,
Laverne's father is in Green Bay
with Carmine and the Packers.
You probably already know that.
You probably even
know the score.
So you can see how
desperate my situation is.
Please, please send me $500.
I deserve it. I'm a good girl.
I'm not a bad girl,
I'm not a bad girl.
Shirl!
Good God!
It's the Devil and Hoot Gibson!
It's worse than we thought.
Yeah, I thought I
was the Lone Ranger.
Shirl, get up off the floor,
you look like a fool. Come on.
Come on, give me
those legs over there.
Come on, come on, come on...
All right, don't
worry, don't worry.
Your problems are over.
We collected the
money for Laverne.
Great. How much?
$11.34.
$11.34?
Yeah, we told everybody we
was trick-or-treating for UNICEF.
UNICEF?!
You told them you were
trick-or-treating for UNICEF?
Don't worry, all
Laverne has to do is
send everybody a thank
you note from Africa.
Laverne can't go to Africa.
Laverne can't go anyplace
because Laverne
is rotting in jail
with common thugs and scalawags,
while I, her best friend,
sit drowning my
sorrows in cooking sherry.
Life's so difficult.
Boy, what a boring drunk.
Listen, girls can't
get drunk as good as guys.
Yeah, that's the
truth. You know?
Oh, here come the waterworks.
All right, all right,
chin upper lip, chin upper lip.
Come on, let's see
if we can walk her,
all right? Good idea.
Head east! East! Okay, okay.
Well, so long, girls.
I got my bail from my friends.
Bye. Bye.
See you in Vegas.
Sure, she knocks
over a gas station
and her friends
get her out on bail.
I'm innocent and
I'm sitting here.
Where are my friends?
Norman's at the Policeman's
Ball with some meter maid.
Shirley's sitting home
petting Boo-Boo Kitty.
You have got to
pull yourself together.
Laverne is in trouble,
so you gotta be strong.
Squiggy? Squiggy?
Yes, dear?
Will you take those horns off?
No! I'm going to
leave these horns on
because we ain't finished
collecting for Laverne.
But the rest is
up to you, Shirl.
Remember that.
Without you, the
rest of the world,
well, they couldn't
give two hoots
what happens to Laverne.
Probably not even one hoot!
Yes; without you,
Laverne is "hootless."
You forgot your rake.
In their own, odd
way, they're right.
I've got to do something.
Without me,
Laverne is "hootless."
Laverne?
Shirl.
Laverne you're not
alone; you have friends.
This man is my friend?
Mr. Clark, I think
you have something
to say to Miss DeFazio.
Well, uh, I'm going
to drop the charges.
I'm free?
You're free! I'm free!
Wow!
On, uh...
On one or two little provisos.
What?
The first proviso is
that you apologize
for your behavior,
especially for calling
me "Snoot Face."
Awww... okay,
you're not a snoot face.
Can I go home now?
Proviso number two:
that you admit you
stole the hankie.
But I didn't steal the hankie.
It was an accident.
You know that, Shirl.
Jerome, at dinner you mentioned
nothing about this
proviso number two.
You can't let this
riffraff run amok.
She must admit her
guilt, if only to me.
No. 'Cause I'm not guilty.
I didn't do anything.
It was an accident.
It was an accident
and you know it.
And you know what else?
You are a Snoot Face.
You know...
you can stay in here
for the rest of your life.
Do you know what you did?
You fed me a lot of pretenses.
You dragged me down
here at this awful hour.
You can't be nice
to people like you.
The only thing you understand...
is threats!
Hold on, Jerome.
You know something?
You're right.
Shirl!
You can't be nice
to some people.
You want a threat?
All right, I'll give
you a threat.
Either you drop these
charges right now,
or I will go to every
newspaper in Milwaukee
and tell them how Carlisle's
had a poor little working girl
thrown in the clink on
drummed-up charges.
Not only that,
but I will tell them
the man responsible
is Carlisle's bald manager!
Got it? Got it, Snoot Face?
Snoot Face!
Snoot Face! Snoot Face?!
Snoot Face! Snoot
Face! Snoot Face!
Snoot Face! Snoot Face!
Stop it!
Stop it!
I would just like to say...
that I'm going to
drop the charges.
Oh.
Because I don't want
to see you around.
And keep away
from Carlisle's Dress
Shop. Do you hear me?
And another thing, I have a lot
of good friends,
wealthy friends,
and tough friends!
And do you know something?
They love me!
Huh? Huh?
I'm out. I'm free.
See? I got friends, too.
Hey, maybe we could
help get you guys out.
Well, you I don't
know about, there.
Oh, boy, you were terrific.
You were great, there.
I did it, I got you out.
I was strong and I did it.
Oh, you sure did.
Well...
And I don't mind
telling you this, Shirl,
'cause, well, you
are my best friend.
But I was pretty scared here.
And, just... well,
thanks a million
for getting me out of here.
You were so good with that guy.
Thank you, come
on, let's go now.
Oh, just give me ten minutes,
I just want to
finish out this hand.
What?! One hand, here.
Are you crazy?
I go to all this trouble
thinking of your poor,
little soul rotting in jail.
I take a man to dinner,
a man with a snoot face,
I let him caress my arm
so he'll drop charges,
and all you want
to do is play poker?
This is my thanks?
This is the thanks I get?
She's got a pair of queens.
Hey, Shirl, you want
to play some poker?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
Hey, I hope you're not writing
in your diary that
I was in jail, there.
Of course I am not.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Pop.
Have any trouble with the car?
No, no trouble.
Just drive around the corner
and the hood went up!
And the brake don't work!
The horn don't
work! I know that.
Fix it! Okay.
What did you do?
You look rested.
Oh, nothing, I just stayed home.
Cooked, cleaned,
sewed a little bit.
Good, good.
A lot of practice.
Who knows, one of these days...
Yeah, one of these
days, I'll find a husband.
Don't worry, Pop, there.
Dear Diary, Jail
was not a total loss.
Laverne has
become a skillful liar.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪