Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 9 - Dating Slump - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Get out of the way, Eddy.
I'll capture you in
water colors next week.
I'm doing Duane now.
Hi, Laverne. How'd it
go at the Pizza Bowl?
Uh... fine.
Sit down, Shirl, I
got to talk to you.
Okay. All right kids, take five.
Yeah. I'm telling you, Laverne,
you got to come to this
sculpture class with me,
It is sensational and I
have quite a flair for it.
Look at this.
Oh, that's nice... I'm
immortalizing Duane.
Immortalizing's
nice. Sit down, Shirl.
Carmine just came
back from New York.
Ah, my Golden Gloves
champion returns.
How's his face?
Oh, same old face.
You must have seen
it a hundred times.
You must be bored
with it by now, huh?
Does he know we're going
to the ball game tomorrow night?
I don't think you're going
to go to the ball game tomorrow.
They broke his legs.
No, no. No, he's fine.
Then why aren't we going to
the ball game tomorrow night?
Carmine met a girl in New York.
Oh?
She's flying in tonight.
Why, whatever for?
Well, she lives in Milwaukee.
She has to get home. I mean...
He also mentioned
something about... love.
Love?
His exact words: Love.
Carmine's in love?
How sweet.
How nice.
He said you'd be happy for him.
I am happy for him.
I'm going to bed now.
Why would I be upset?
( knocking)
I mean, that's the
trouble with you.
You think that every
little thing upsets me.
Who is it?
It's me, Carmine!
( shrieks): What does he want?!
What does he want?!
What's he doing over here?!
He wants you to
meet his girlfriend.
Who does he think
I am, his mother?!
Look, I'll tell him
you're in the tub.
Go get in the tub.
No. No. I can handle this.
I want to handle this.
Hi, Carmine.
How are you?
Oh, good, good, you're still up.
This is Rhonda.
I got so excited,
I couldn't wait
for you to meet her.
Isn't she something?
How nice to meet you, Rhonda.
Won't you come in, sit down?
Oh, thanks, but we can't stay.
My parents are waiting for me.
But Carmine just insisted
that we stop by and say hi.
Oh. Hi.
Well... Can I get you something?
Some fruit?
Laverne, go get some fruit.
Fruit. Fruit.
Some evening, you'll
just have to drop by
and tell me all about yourself.
Oh, well, there's
nothing to tell.
Banana, anyone?
Not bananas for company.
You want me to peel them?
Go get something
nice. Something nice.
Nice... Nice.
Well, Carmine, I was
certainly wrong, wasn't I?
You kept right on fighting,
won the championship,
and didn't break
your face at all.
Well, I got lucky, but I figure
I'll cut down on
boxing a little.
I got a regular job.
Oh?
RHONDA: Yes.
Carmine and I talked it over,
and he's going
to be an instructor
at Marjorie Ward's
Ballroom Basic
and Advanced Dance Studio.
Ha! Isn't that lovely?
I've been telling you
to do that for years.
Hey, here's some pound cake.
Here, have a piece.
Come on, here's a little tissue.
I couldn't find the napkins.
Laverne, this pound
cake is very dry.
I am not bringing
coffee to the door.
Well, uh, I really
think we ought to go.
It's getting a
little late, okay?
So we'll see you later, huh?
SHIRLEY: Good-bye.
Come on, let's go, Angel Face.
Boy, what a bimbo, huh?
Huh?
What a floozy.
P.U.!
Was she raunchy, huh?
She's just after
him for his money.
You know that, don't you?
Oh! What a loser!
Yeah.
Why do I like her so much?
Oh, well, she's a
very nice girl, Shirl.
Then why are you saying
those terrible things about her?
Well, I thought I should
be on your side for a minute.
You shouldn't say things like
that about that innocent girl.
She was perfectly lovely.
I'm sorry.
She's much too tall for him.
A giant. An Amazon.
About how old
would you say she is?
40! 40, at least.
40 if she's a day.
Come on, Shirl.
You never really loved him.
I mean, the "I Love You" love.
I know.
Carmine and I both
knew that, one day,
each of us would
find somebody special.
I just thought I'd find
him first, that's all.
You know, I think Carmine's
getting a girlfriend is good.
Another dart thrown
at me, Laverne?
No, I'm serious.
I mean, it's good for you.
In the last couple of years,
you passed up a lot of
dates with a lot of guys
just because you had good
old Carmine to go out with.
Anybody I passed up then,
I'm going to pass up now,
whether Carmine's around or not.
Yes, but now there's
a big difference.
You either got to
stop being so picky
or you're gonna stay
in the house a lot.
Humph.
I'd rather stay
in the house a lot
than go out with all those
sickies you go out with.
Watch it.
I got a nail file here.
Howie Ratskin was not a sickie?
He slept on our doorstep
three nights in a row.
He liked me.
I know he liked you.
He wrote, "I love you,
Laverne" all over his sister's face.
The fact is, Laverne, you
could use some standards.
Oh, we're going right
for the throat now, huh?
Sure, it's been easy
for you all these years
making fun of my dating.
Yeah, I've accepted some
medium-to-crummy dates.
Worse than crummy.
Sub-crummy.
See?
That's what I mean
about standards.
Well, it was either that or
sitting home a few months.
And what's so terrible
about sitting home?
Spoken like a girl
who's never had to.
Hey, I've been there, Shirl.
It's not fun.
You ever play strip solitaire?
It's very lonely.
I'm not afraid of loneliness.
I defy loneliness to come
up to me and say, "Hi."
I welcome loneliness, so
that I can laugh in its face.
Hello, loneliness.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha, yourself.
I know about loneliness.
You're going to start doing
some pretty weird things.
( clattering)
Shirl, would you
unchain this door?
Come on! I'm late for a date!
Shirl?
Shirl, are you in there?
Coming.
How did it go at work?
It was fine.
I met this really
cute guy on the bus.
I'm going to meet him at the
Pizza Bowl in a few minutes.
Going out with another stranger?
I'll bet you don't even know
anything about this guy.
I bet you don't even
know what he does.
Got you there.
The man was sitting
behind the wheel,
going like this.
He was the bus driver.
Well, I have things to do
around here... little projects.
I kept myself busy all day long.
You took the phone apart.
You took the phone apart.
Oh, no.
I was wondering how
the phone worked, and...
Haven't you ever wondered
how the phone works?
How does it work, Miss Bell?
I'm no electrician!
Shirl, what is happening to you?
I mean, first you let
yourself go to pot,
and now you're taking
the phones apart.
I mean, that's just not normal.
Are you saying I'm not normal?
I'm perfectly normal, Laverne.
Will you go wash your hands?
Well, that might
be a little difficult.
I took the sink apart.
Go put it back together!
Put it back together!
( knocking)
Oh... What?
♪ It's cherry pink and
apple blossom white ♪
♪ Two, cha-cha-cha. ♪
Hi, Carmine.
Whadda ya say there?
How's dancing school?
Uh, pretty good, pretty good.
Uh, more important,
how's Shirley doing?
Ah... she's worse than ever.
She won't do a thing.
What are we going
to do to help Shirley?
Um... Well, I have this plan.
Well, it was a plan
I was saving in case
I reached 30 and
was still not married,
but I think Shirley
needs it worse.
Well, what is it?
Go inside and keep her busy.
She's in the bathroom putting
the sink back together there.
Make her laugh, do something.
I got to make a call here.
( muttering)
( banging)
( banging continues)
Who is it?
MAN: Is this 730
Knapp, apartment "A"?
Yes, it is.
Well, it says,
"Ask for Shirley."
Is there a Shirley in there?
( deep voice): Yes, there is.
( singsong voice): I
have flowers for you.
Hi. I'm Victor.
I'm here about
your ad for the Jeep.
What ad for the Jeep?
It said, "Bring flowers."
Oh. There must be some mistake.
I don't have a Jeep.
Hello.
Hello.
I'll be with you in a second.
Hi. I'm Victor.
Good.
Didn't you get my note
about spiffying up a bit?
Yes, I did, and I ignored it.
Why does he think
we have a Jeep?
Now, don't get mad.
I was desperate to get
you out of this mood,
so I put an ad in the paper,
"Jeep for sale. Bring flowers".
And why did you do
that rather odd thing?
Well, it was the only
thing I could think of
to get single guys
to come to the door.
You're amazing. Thanks.
Get rid of him... now.
Hey, uh, does it
have four-wheel drive?
Answer him.
I don't know nothing
about no Jeep!
I'm sorry, Victor,
but we sold the
Jeep this morning.
How come your mother doesn't
know anything about a Jeep?
Mother?
Mother?!
Mommy's just a little
testy this morning.
Testy?! I'll give you testy!
( shouting incoherently)
I want you to take that
ad out of the paper now!
Not a chance.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're a Jeep salesman.
But I don't like strangers
coming into my house.
Tell you what. You
go out on a date,
and I'll take the
ad out of the paper.
( gasps)
Blackmail.
You've got your
foot on my throat.
My bus driver
has a lot of friends.
He'll fix you up for
Saturday and we'll double.
Face it, Shirl... I got you.
All right. I'll go
out on a date.
But you take that ad
out of the paper now.
I will. I'm glad you agreed.
If that keeps running,
they'll be coming
through here like termites.
Hello.
We came to buy your Jeep.
That's right.
And we're prepared to pay cash.
Money.
Guys, we got no Jeep.
You and what army?
Listen, we ain't
paying you a nickel
until we get a test drive.
Guys, you know us.
You know we ain't got no Jeep.
150 big ones, Laverne.
That's our final offer.
$200. That's our final offer!
There is no Jeep!
( laughs)
Maybe we should
give them a little more.
No, let's let them
think about it.
They'll know
where to look for us.
Yeah. You know
where you can find us.
Where are we going?
That's their problem.
We should have sold
it to them, you know?
Hello.
Boy, my supervisor's going
to kill me when he hears
I used my bus for a date.
Anything wrong, Laverne?
No. This is very interesting.
You don't see many
spittoons anymore.
Put me down, Moose!
You stand here.
I'm going to pick
out a cue stick.
Laverne, I'd like to speak
with you for a moment,
if I may, please.
Excuse me. Sure.
Just step over here.
Would you let go of my arm!
Laverne, I didn't say anything
when your date
picked us up in a bus.
I said nothing when he stopped
at every corner for passengers.
But this... this... Moose
person... he bruised me.
I'm black and blue.
I'm creased all over.
He likes you.
Hey, you girls, uh,
you want a soda?
Tom, Shirley wants to go home.
Laverne, you got
to make her stay.
Moose and I have a deal.
Deal?
I get him blind dates,
and he doesn't beat me up.
Oh. I understand.
Are we going?
I just got the skinny on Moose.
Tom's scared to death of him.
Having fun?
( shrieks)
Moose... Huh?
I have to be to work
very early in the morning.
Oh, you'll be home by then.
Come on. Let's play huh?
Uh, well, there
are no tables open.
Sure, this guy here just
finished playing, didn't you?
No. I'm just starting.
And I'm waiting
for some friends.
Well, wait outside.
Disappear, squirt.
You ain't heard the
last of this, Dumbo.
You know what you are?
You're a great big
bully, that's what you are!
You know what you are?
Don't you hit her.
You're a gutsy broad.
A gutsy broad. A gutsy broad.
Just what I always...
Kids, kids, we came
here to play pool, right?
So let's play.
I'll get all the balls
together, right?
We'll have a nice little game.
Look how good she racks, huh?
What do you say we
play a little eight ball?
Great. Me and Tom
against Moose and Shirl.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
What are you
girls talking about?
We don't play pool
with no girls, you know?
And what are we supposed to do?
You got lots of stuff to do.
You got... you got girl stuff.
You know, keeping
score, uh, racking the balls,
and, uh, if you're really good,
I'll let you chalk my cue stick.
How'd you like to
eat your cue stick?
Another gutsy broad.
You know, I like you girls.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Oh, we have something
to do outside of town.
Ivan would like to thank you
for holding the table for him.
Oh, it was a pleasure.
We were just leaving.
Yeah, we were just
keeping it warm for him.
Disappear, Ivan.
Ivan thinks perhaps
we should discuss this
out back so we won't
make no mess here.
LAVERNE: Oh, Ivan
wouldn't think a thing like that,
would you, Ivan?
Oh...
Lead the way.
LAVERNE: Good-bye
Tom. Good luck.
Here, take a cab.
Hide behind Moose, huh?
Well, our date's over.
Let's go.
( door slams)
You ain't...
You ain't going nowhere, sister.
You just insulted Ivan.
Oh, I thought he
was a very nice man.
Uh, you want change
of a quarter? Look.
Hey, you take the
scrawny little shrimp.
I had a vitamin
deficiency recently.
I'm going to take the other one.
I'm going to rip that
"L" right off of her chest.
Touch my "L," sweetie,
and your teeth go to Peoria.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Ladies, ladies, I'm not
enjoying this conversation.
Then what are we waiting for?
Let's rumble!
Look, if we fight in here,
it'll get busted up, right?
Why don't we just step outside
so we can fight to the finish?
All right.
Now you're talking! Let's go.
After you. Yeah.
No, no.
We got to get out of
here. Get out of here.
Get out of here!
Oh, would you stop that?!
Would you stop that?!
Boy, it's gonna be
a cold day in June
before they start
up with us again.
That girl chalked my nose.
That comes right off. Here.
I'm going to get a Kleenex.
See? It wasn't a
bad evening after all.
Hey, did you see
me stop that girl
from making you
eat that cue ball?
I still got all the moves.
And she thought she would
rip my "L" off my chest. Ha!
That's all you're worried about?
That "L"?
Aw.
That's it.
I'm not going to do
nothing more for you.
I mean, I made up a
Jeep, I got you a date,
I even fixed the telephone.
From now on, you do
whatever you want to do.
I don't care.
I'm through with you.
Can I say something here?
No!
This evening was the lowest!
It was rotten.
It was awful!
And still, it was better
than the last two weeks.
I think that girl hit
you a little too hard.
No, see, I realized
something about myself
as I stood there toe-to-toe
fighting off that
jumbo creature.
I realized that Shirley
Feeney is no quitter.
I've hated the way I've been
acting the last two weeks.
You mean, no more sulking?
No more nougat squashing?
No more fiddling with the sink?
No more.
You're a corker,
Shirl, you know that?
All right, 300 bucks
and that is our final offer!
It's yours.
( both exclaim)
Yeah, we'll take it!
You know we don't have a Jeep.
Well, you know they
don't got no $300.
Now I have a
girlfriend, I want to, uh...
I'm not very good with words.
Look, if there's
anything you ever need,
or anybody ever bothers you,
just think of me as
your big brother, okay?
'Cause I'd do
anything for you two.
Just remember,
the Big Ragoo is
always around, okay?
Okay, Carmine.
All right, do I get
one right here?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
Carmine? Yeah?
Will you do me a favor?
Sure.
Will you still call
me Angel Face?
Sure, Angel Face.
Good night, Carmine.
Good night.
Such a sweet
guy. Isn't he sweet?
Yeah. You know, I'm
going to raise my standards.
For the next ten days, I
swear off men in uniform.
Except sailors. I like sailors.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Get out of the way, Eddy.
I'll capture you in
water colors next week.
I'm doing Duane now.
Hi, Laverne. How'd it
go at the Pizza Bowl?
Uh... fine.
Sit down, Shirl, I
got to talk to you.
Okay. All right kids, take five.
Yeah. I'm telling you, Laverne,
you got to come to this
sculpture class with me,
It is sensational and I
have quite a flair for it.
Look at this.
Oh, that's nice... I'm
immortalizing Duane.
Immortalizing's
nice. Sit down, Shirl.
Carmine just came
back from New York.
Ah, my Golden Gloves
champion returns.
How's his face?
Oh, same old face.
You must have seen
it a hundred times.
You must be bored
with it by now, huh?
Does he know we're going
to the ball game tomorrow night?
I don't think you're going
to go to the ball game tomorrow.
They broke his legs.
No, no. No, he's fine.
Then why aren't we going to
the ball game tomorrow night?
Carmine met a girl in New York.
Oh?
She's flying in tonight.
Why, whatever for?
Well, she lives in Milwaukee.
She has to get home. I mean...
He also mentioned
something about... love.
Love?
His exact words: Love.
Carmine's in love?
How sweet.
How nice.
He said you'd be happy for him.
I am happy for him.
I'm going to bed now.
Why would I be upset?
( knocking)
I mean, that's the
trouble with you.
You think that every
little thing upsets me.
Who is it?
It's me, Carmine!
( shrieks): What does he want?!
What does he want?!
What's he doing over here?!
He wants you to
meet his girlfriend.
Who does he think
I am, his mother?!
Look, I'll tell him
you're in the tub.
Go get in the tub.
No. No. I can handle this.
I want to handle this.
Hi, Carmine.
How are you?
Oh, good, good, you're still up.
This is Rhonda.
I got so excited,
I couldn't wait
for you to meet her.
Isn't she something?
How nice to meet you, Rhonda.
Won't you come in, sit down?
Oh, thanks, but we can't stay.
My parents are waiting for me.
But Carmine just insisted
that we stop by and say hi.
Oh. Hi.
Well... Can I get you something?
Some fruit?
Laverne, go get some fruit.
Fruit. Fruit.
Some evening, you'll
just have to drop by
and tell me all about yourself.
Oh, well, there's
nothing to tell.
Banana, anyone?
Not bananas for company.
You want me to peel them?
Go get something
nice. Something nice.
Nice... Nice.
Well, Carmine, I was
certainly wrong, wasn't I?
You kept right on fighting,
won the championship,
and didn't break
your face at all.
Well, I got lucky, but I figure
I'll cut down on
boxing a little.
I got a regular job.
Oh?
RHONDA: Yes.
Carmine and I talked it over,
and he's going
to be an instructor
at Marjorie Ward's
Ballroom Basic
and Advanced Dance Studio.
Ha! Isn't that lovely?
I've been telling you
to do that for years.
Hey, here's some pound cake.
Here, have a piece.
Come on, here's a little tissue.
I couldn't find the napkins.
Laverne, this pound
cake is very dry.
I am not bringing
coffee to the door.
Well, uh, I really
think we ought to go.
It's getting a
little late, okay?
So we'll see you later, huh?
SHIRLEY: Good-bye.
Come on, let's go, Angel Face.
Boy, what a bimbo, huh?
Huh?
What a floozy.
P.U.!
Was she raunchy, huh?
She's just after
him for his money.
You know that, don't you?
Oh! What a loser!
Yeah.
Why do I like her so much?
Oh, well, she's a
very nice girl, Shirl.
Then why are you saying
those terrible things about her?
Well, I thought I should
be on your side for a minute.
You shouldn't say things like
that about that innocent girl.
She was perfectly lovely.
I'm sorry.
She's much too tall for him.
A giant. An Amazon.
About how old
would you say she is?
40! 40, at least.
40 if she's a day.
Come on, Shirl.
You never really loved him.
I mean, the "I Love You" love.
I know.
Carmine and I both
knew that, one day,
each of us would
find somebody special.
I just thought I'd find
him first, that's all.
You know, I think Carmine's
getting a girlfriend is good.
Another dart thrown
at me, Laverne?
No, I'm serious.
I mean, it's good for you.
In the last couple of years,
you passed up a lot of
dates with a lot of guys
just because you had good
old Carmine to go out with.
Anybody I passed up then,
I'm going to pass up now,
whether Carmine's around or not.
Yes, but now there's
a big difference.
You either got to
stop being so picky
or you're gonna stay
in the house a lot.
Humph.
I'd rather stay
in the house a lot
than go out with all those
sickies you go out with.
Watch it.
I got a nail file here.
Howie Ratskin was not a sickie?
He slept on our doorstep
three nights in a row.
He liked me.
I know he liked you.
He wrote, "I love you,
Laverne" all over his sister's face.
The fact is, Laverne, you
could use some standards.
Oh, we're going right
for the throat now, huh?
Sure, it's been easy
for you all these years
making fun of my dating.
Yeah, I've accepted some
medium-to-crummy dates.
Worse than crummy.
Sub-crummy.
See?
That's what I mean
about standards.
Well, it was either that or
sitting home a few months.
And what's so terrible
about sitting home?
Spoken like a girl
who's never had to.
Hey, I've been there, Shirl.
It's not fun.
You ever play strip solitaire?
It's very lonely.
I'm not afraid of loneliness.
I defy loneliness to come
up to me and say, "Hi."
I welcome loneliness, so
that I can laugh in its face.
Hello, loneliness.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha, yourself.
I know about loneliness.
You're going to start doing
some pretty weird things.
( clattering)
Shirl, would you
unchain this door?
Come on! I'm late for a date!
Shirl?
Shirl, are you in there?
Coming.
How did it go at work?
It was fine.
I met this really
cute guy on the bus.
I'm going to meet him at the
Pizza Bowl in a few minutes.
Going out with another stranger?
I'll bet you don't even know
anything about this guy.
I bet you don't even
know what he does.
Got you there.
The man was sitting
behind the wheel,
going like this.
He was the bus driver.
Well, I have things to do
around here... little projects.
I kept myself busy all day long.
You took the phone apart.
You took the phone apart.
Oh, no.
I was wondering how
the phone worked, and...
Haven't you ever wondered
how the phone works?
How does it work, Miss Bell?
I'm no electrician!
Shirl, what is happening to you?
I mean, first you let
yourself go to pot,
and now you're taking
the phones apart.
I mean, that's just not normal.
Are you saying I'm not normal?
I'm perfectly normal, Laverne.
Will you go wash your hands?
Well, that might
be a little difficult.
I took the sink apart.
Go put it back together!
Put it back together!
( knocking)
Oh... What?
♪ It's cherry pink and
apple blossom white ♪
♪ Two, cha-cha-cha. ♪
Hi, Carmine.
Whadda ya say there?
How's dancing school?
Uh, pretty good, pretty good.
Uh, more important,
how's Shirley doing?
Ah... she's worse than ever.
She won't do a thing.
What are we going
to do to help Shirley?
Um... Well, I have this plan.
Well, it was a plan
I was saving in case
I reached 30 and
was still not married,
but I think Shirley
needs it worse.
Well, what is it?
Go inside and keep her busy.
She's in the bathroom putting
the sink back together there.
Make her laugh, do something.
I got to make a call here.
( muttering)
( banging)
( banging continues)
Who is it?
MAN: Is this 730
Knapp, apartment "A"?
Yes, it is.
Well, it says,
"Ask for Shirley."
Is there a Shirley in there?
( deep voice): Yes, there is.
( singsong voice): I
have flowers for you.
Hi. I'm Victor.
I'm here about
your ad for the Jeep.
What ad for the Jeep?
It said, "Bring flowers."
Oh. There must be some mistake.
I don't have a Jeep.
Hello.
Hello.
I'll be with you in a second.
Hi. I'm Victor.
Good.
Didn't you get my note
about spiffying up a bit?
Yes, I did, and I ignored it.
Why does he think
we have a Jeep?
Now, don't get mad.
I was desperate to get
you out of this mood,
so I put an ad in the paper,
"Jeep for sale. Bring flowers".
And why did you do
that rather odd thing?
Well, it was the only
thing I could think of
to get single guys
to come to the door.
You're amazing. Thanks.
Get rid of him... now.
Hey, uh, does it
have four-wheel drive?
Answer him.
I don't know nothing
about no Jeep!
I'm sorry, Victor,
but we sold the
Jeep this morning.
How come your mother doesn't
know anything about a Jeep?
Mother?
Mother?!
Mommy's just a little
testy this morning.
Testy?! I'll give you testy!
( shouting incoherently)
I want you to take that
ad out of the paper now!
Not a chance.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're a Jeep salesman.
But I don't like strangers
coming into my house.
Tell you what. You
go out on a date,
and I'll take the
ad out of the paper.
( gasps)
Blackmail.
You've got your
foot on my throat.
My bus driver
has a lot of friends.
He'll fix you up for
Saturday and we'll double.
Face it, Shirl... I got you.
All right. I'll go
out on a date.
But you take that ad
out of the paper now.
I will. I'm glad you agreed.
If that keeps running,
they'll be coming
through here like termites.
Hello.
We came to buy your Jeep.
That's right.
And we're prepared to pay cash.
Money.
Guys, we got no Jeep.
You and what army?
Listen, we ain't
paying you a nickel
until we get a test drive.
Guys, you know us.
You know we ain't got no Jeep.
150 big ones, Laverne.
That's our final offer.
$200. That's our final offer!
There is no Jeep!
( laughs)
Maybe we should
give them a little more.
No, let's let them
think about it.
They'll know
where to look for us.
Yeah. You know
where you can find us.
Where are we going?
That's their problem.
We should have sold
it to them, you know?
Hello.
Boy, my supervisor's going
to kill me when he hears
I used my bus for a date.
Anything wrong, Laverne?
No. This is very interesting.
You don't see many
spittoons anymore.
Put me down, Moose!
You stand here.
I'm going to pick
out a cue stick.
Laverne, I'd like to speak
with you for a moment,
if I may, please.
Excuse me. Sure.
Just step over here.
Would you let go of my arm!
Laverne, I didn't say anything
when your date
picked us up in a bus.
I said nothing when he stopped
at every corner for passengers.
But this... this... Moose
person... he bruised me.
I'm black and blue.
I'm creased all over.
He likes you.
Hey, you girls, uh,
you want a soda?
Tom, Shirley wants to go home.
Laverne, you got
to make her stay.
Moose and I have a deal.
Deal?
I get him blind dates,
and he doesn't beat me up.
Oh. I understand.
Are we going?
I just got the skinny on Moose.
Tom's scared to death of him.
Having fun?
( shrieks)
Moose... Huh?
I have to be to work
very early in the morning.
Oh, you'll be home by then.
Come on. Let's play huh?
Uh, well, there
are no tables open.
Sure, this guy here just
finished playing, didn't you?
No. I'm just starting.
And I'm waiting
for some friends.
Well, wait outside.
Disappear, squirt.
You ain't heard the
last of this, Dumbo.
You know what you are?
You're a great big
bully, that's what you are!
You know what you are?
Don't you hit her.
You're a gutsy broad.
A gutsy broad. A gutsy broad.
Just what I always...
Kids, kids, we came
here to play pool, right?
So let's play.
I'll get all the balls
together, right?
We'll have a nice little game.
Look how good she racks, huh?
What do you say we
play a little eight ball?
Great. Me and Tom
against Moose and Shirl.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
What are you
girls talking about?
We don't play pool
with no girls, you know?
And what are we supposed to do?
You got lots of stuff to do.
You got... you got girl stuff.
You know, keeping
score, uh, racking the balls,
and, uh, if you're really good,
I'll let you chalk my cue stick.
How'd you like to
eat your cue stick?
Another gutsy broad.
You know, I like you girls.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Oh, we have something
to do outside of town.
Ivan would like to thank you
for holding the table for him.
Oh, it was a pleasure.
We were just leaving.
Yeah, we were just
keeping it warm for him.
Disappear, Ivan.
Ivan thinks perhaps
we should discuss this
out back so we won't
make no mess here.
LAVERNE: Oh, Ivan
wouldn't think a thing like that,
would you, Ivan?
Oh...
Lead the way.
LAVERNE: Good-bye
Tom. Good luck.
Here, take a cab.
Hide behind Moose, huh?
Well, our date's over.
Let's go.
( door slams)
You ain't...
You ain't going nowhere, sister.
You just insulted Ivan.
Oh, I thought he
was a very nice man.
Uh, you want change
of a quarter? Look.
Hey, you take the
scrawny little shrimp.
I had a vitamin
deficiency recently.
I'm going to take the other one.
I'm going to rip that
"L" right off of her chest.
Touch my "L," sweetie,
and your teeth go to Peoria.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Ladies, ladies, I'm not
enjoying this conversation.
Then what are we waiting for?
Let's rumble!
Look, if we fight in here,
it'll get busted up, right?
Why don't we just step outside
so we can fight to the finish?
All right.
Now you're talking! Let's go.
After you. Yeah.
No, no.
We got to get out of
here. Get out of here.
Get out of here!
Oh, would you stop that?!
Would you stop that?!
Boy, it's gonna be
a cold day in June
before they start
up with us again.
That girl chalked my nose.
That comes right off. Here.
I'm going to get a Kleenex.
See? It wasn't a
bad evening after all.
Hey, did you see
me stop that girl
from making you
eat that cue ball?
I still got all the moves.
And she thought she would
rip my "L" off my chest. Ha!
That's all you're worried about?
That "L"?
Aw.
That's it.
I'm not going to do
nothing more for you.
I mean, I made up a
Jeep, I got you a date,
I even fixed the telephone.
From now on, you do
whatever you want to do.
I don't care.
I'm through with you.
Can I say something here?
No!
This evening was the lowest!
It was rotten.
It was awful!
And still, it was better
than the last two weeks.
I think that girl hit
you a little too hard.
No, see, I realized
something about myself
as I stood there toe-to-toe
fighting off that
jumbo creature.
I realized that Shirley
Feeney is no quitter.
I've hated the way I've been
acting the last two weeks.
You mean, no more sulking?
No more nougat squashing?
No more fiddling with the sink?
No more.
You're a corker,
Shirl, you know that?
All right, 300 bucks
and that is our final offer!
It's yours.
( both exclaim)
Yeah, we'll take it!
You know we don't have a Jeep.
Well, you know they
don't got no $300.
Now I have a
girlfriend, I want to, uh...
I'm not very good with words.
Look, if there's
anything you ever need,
or anybody ever bothers you,
just think of me as
your big brother, okay?
'Cause I'd do
anything for you two.
Just remember,
the Big Ragoo is
always around, okay?
Okay, Carmine.
All right, do I get
one right here?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
Carmine? Yeah?
Will you do me a favor?
Sure.
Will you still call
me Angel Face?
Sure, Angel Face.
Good night, Carmine.
Good night.
Such a sweet
guy. Isn't he sweet?
Yeah. You know, I'm
going to raise my standards.
For the next ten days, I
swear off men in uniform.
Except sailors. I like sailors.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪