Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 5 - Falter at the Alter - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

♪ Mona Lisa... ♪



Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

♪ Men have named you ♪

♪ You're so like the lady... ♪

Did you have fun at
the carnival tonight?

Yes, I did. Thank
you for winning me

all these stuffed
animals, Carmine.

It's okay.

♪ Is it only 'cause
you're lonely ♪

♪ They have blamed you? ♪

Hey, will you look at that?

Sal and Laverne dancing,
holding each other tight,

making goo-goo eyes.

Do you think they're serious?

Are you kidding me?

They've only been going
out a couple of months.

Know what? I'm going to
make a little suit for my panda.

A little hat. Shirl,
let's go home.

I got to talk to you. I've
got an onion pizza coming.

Hey, what's the hurry?
It's all right, Carmine.

Let them go. What, what?
You can't tell me here?

I'll tell you at
home. Oh, all right.

Well, let me get my animals.
Carmine, get the animals.

Well, let me take my
panda. Forget the panda.

Carmine knocked down
20 milk bottles for this...

Come on, let's go bowling.

Hey, hey, wait. Whoa, whoa.

What's the matter?
What did you say?

Hey, did you ask her
to do something dirty?

No.

I asked Laverne to marry me.

No! Yeah!

Really? Yeah.

You're kidding! Yeah!

All right! Let's bowl.

Okay, Shirl, brace yourself.

Oh, no!

I got a proposal of marriage.

( gasps): Who?

- Sal.
- He didn't.

- He did.
- You're kidding!

I'm not.

Oh, Laverne!

This is so exciting,
your first proposal.

Oh, I am curious as a cat.

All right, I want you to tell me

exactly, word for
word what he said.

I don't remember.

Sure, you remember.

Everyone remembers
their first proposal.

I was so excited, I forgot.

Think!

I don't know.

All right, all right.

Let me set the mood.

We were at the Pizza Bowl.

A romantic ballad was
playing on the jukebox.

He took you in his arms.

♪ Mona Lisa ♪

♪ Mona Lisa, men
have named you ♪

He looks deeply,
and ever so longingly

into your eyes and
says... "Let's do it."

That's not exactly a
proposal of marriage, Laverne.

Well, then he said,
"Let's get hitched."

Then he dipped me, and
then he turned me around.

And that was it.

Oh, wow!

This is so exciting.

Your first sincere
proposal of matrimony.

Yeah, it is exciting, isn't it?

The wedding's this weekend.

( splutters)

You said yes?

No.

Oh... then why is there
going to be a wedding?

Because I'm going to say yes.

Can I wear this on my honeymoon?

Sure. But Laverne,
what's the big rush?

Well, he's got to go
to San Diego Monday,

because he's being
discharged from the Navy.

And he wants me to go
with him as Mrs. Malina.

Monday, Tuesday...

Gee, I'm so surprised.

I-I knew you liked him,

but I never realized
you loved him that much.

Oh, I was going to tell you.

I forgot.

Forgot...?

But Vernie, before,
when you've been in love,

I mean, I've always known.

You always act so crazy
and do such crazy things,

but I have never seen
you act crazy about Sal.

Well... I'm more mature now.

I learned to handle love.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Sal's a terrific guy,
and I love him so much.

I just love, love, love him.

Well, if you're
sure... then I'm sure.

I just couldn't be
happier for you, Vernie.

( knocking)

Who is it?

FRANK: It's me.

That's my father.

Do you think he heard yet?

I don't know.

( yells)

He heard, he heard.

( speaking Italian)

Yeah, English, Pop, English.

Did you say yes?

I'm going to.

Hooray! A grandson!

And he's got a good
job. He's going to work

in his father's light
fixture business.

Hooray! A job.

And the wedding's this weekend.

Hooray, I got to
get your relatives.

Do you want me to
get the address book?

Yeah, where is it? The bedroom?

In the bedroom. Oh, good.

If only your mother was
alive, may she rest in peace,

( speaks Italian)

English, Pop, English.

( knocking)

Who is it?

It's me, Carmine.

Who is it, who is it?

Raguso! Here's your toys.

Oh, thank you, Carmine.

Did you have a
good time tonight?

Yes, I did, thank you.

Okay. Hey, don't you think

it's great about
Sal and Laverne?

I don't know, Carmine.

This is happening so fast...

Fast? What do you mean, fast?

They've been going together
for a couple of months.

Sal's okay, but he's
not Laverne's type.

Shirley, I know that
look. You're going to start

with this Prince Charming
on the white horse bit?

It's bad enough that I'm
taking horseback riding lessons.

Me, the Big Ragoo.

Now these are two nice people.

They found each other,
and that's nice. Beautiful.

We'll leave it
at that, all right?

Right?

Right.

Okay.

Oh.

♪ When the moon hits your eye ♪

♪ Like a great pizza pie ♪

♪ That's amore... ♪

FRANK: Hello, Aunt Josephine.

Talk up!

Louder, it's long distance.

Laverne's getting
married to Sal Malina.

Sal Malina.

He's in light bulbs.

Yeah, yeah. Isn't it wonderful?

Everyone thinks it's wonderful!

Everyone thinks it's wonderful.

Except me.

And you.

The poodle
doesn't like it, either.

Dippy's not crazy about it...

Let's take a vote. Alligator...

( pipe organ playing softly)

Which one do you like better?

For you? That one for you.

Okay. Oh, hi, Father Gucci.

Hello, Father.

Oh, hi, Laverne. Shirley.

Oh, look at all the
beautiful flowers.

Oh, wow, your father must
have really sprung for a lot.

Oh, no, we're having
a funeral in an hour.

Listen, I'll be right back.

Oh... Shirl, did you really like

that last dress that I tried on?

Yeah, it was very nice...

It didn't make me
look too chunky?

No, it was beautiful...

You could see me
through the veil?

I could, I could see you
right through the veil.

Good. Uh, Laverne?

Mm-hmm? Could I talk serious

to you for a moment?
You hate the dress.

Just tell me that
you hate the dress.

No, I love the dress, I
love the dress. It's not that.

It's just that things have
been in such a hurry,

I haven't had a
chance to talk to you.

Well, I haven't
had any time to talk.

I had to help Sal
find an apartment.

I have to get my blood test.

I have to get the license.

I got to get my hair done.

Do you think I should
wear it in a beehive?

A beehive looks ugly on you.

Yeah, my ears stick out.

I got to get me a hairdo.

That's what I mean,
Laverne, you see?

You're in such a
rush with the wedding

that you haven't had a chance
to think about being married.

Well, as far as I'm
concerned, it's better that way.

If I had time to think about it,

I would just wait
until it's too late.

It's never too late.

Shirl, remember our senior prom?

Three boys asked me to go,

but I was waiting
for a better offer.

I ended up sitting
home in my prom dress

watching Seahunt.

They're in here, stupid!

What are you calling
me stupid in church for?

You want God to hear you?
What's the matter with you?

What are they doing here?

Sal asked them to be ushers.

( Shirley sighs)

Hi, Laverne. We're here to ush.

LENNY: Yeah.

You're Leonard
Koznovsky, aren't you?

Hi, Father.

Leonard! Sounds
like a girl's name.

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.

I haven't seen you at
confession for almost three years.

I been pretty good, Father.

Everything's under control.

Well, as soon as the
bride and groom are here,

we'll be able to start.

All right, Laverne?

Sure.

Boys, let me explain
the seating arrangements.

( bell tolls)

Laverne, what's the
matter? Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just when he said "bride
and groom," I got a little nervous.

It's nothing.

Maybe it's not nothing.

Maybe you're not
really sure about all this.

Well, how could anybody be sure?

This is a big step, Shirl.

That's it! You said it.

This is eternal!

Eternity, over and
over and over again.

On and on without
ceasing, without stopping.

Over and over, eternal,
ad infinitum, infinity.

This means till death
do you part, the end.

Do you mean forever?

FATHER GUCCI: Laverne...

we're ready for you now.

Well... what the heck, huh?

"What the heck, huh"?

Father...

I'd like you to meet
my fiancé, Sal Malina.

Hello, Father.

And you know Carmine Ragusa.

Hi, Father. I'm the best man.

Oh, yes, the Big Ragoo.

All right, let's get
ready and start.

I'm going to need a stand-in
for the father of the bride.

Uh, my son, you.

Yes, would you help us, please?

I don't got to
memorize nothing, do I?

Oh, no, it's very simple.

You just give the bride away.

Okay, take her.

I ain't stopping you.

Fine.

Don't say anything.

All right, let's all
take our positions.

Uh, Father, don't I get
to walk down that aisle?

Oh, you will, tomorrow,
but if you do it now,

you'll walk straight
into the late Mr. O'Hara.

We'll use this aisle right here

for our rehearsal
just for now, all right?

Ah, Carmine, would you walk

down the aisle
with Shirley, please?

Sounds good to me.

Oh, that's lovely.

All right, Sal, come
here, would you please?

What a beautiful picture.

Now, the father and the bride...

( hums "Here Comes the Bride")

( in singsong voice):
♪ Go get the bride ♪

♪ Get the bride... ♪

Let's go already.

What are you waiting
for, Christmas?

All right, now the
father sits down.

Sits down!

Oh, sits...

And the ceremony
goes like this...

Come on, Shirl, smile.

FATHER GUCCI: You
walk down the aisle,

I say something religious,
you take your vows,

you exchange your rings.

Then I say,

"If there's anyone
who has any reason

"why these two
should not be wed,

"let them speak now

or forever hold their peace."

I object.

You object at a rehearsal?

( gasps)

Did I say that?

That sort of just
slipped out, didn't it?

I... I didn't say, "I object."

I said, "I have to check."

I have to check
the wedding cake.

That's it!

I have to check
the wedding cake.

Uh... you go on without me.

It's a beautiful ceremony,
wonderful, fantastic.

I like every single one of you,

but I have to be leaving now.

Excuse me.

Was it something I said?

Don't worry, Father.

It's just she's
a little nervous.

She's never been
a bridesmaid before.

Never a bridesmaid,
always a maid.

Shut up.

What are you doing, Shirl?

Are you trying to
ruin my wedding?

I wouldn't blame you

if you never spoke
to me again, Laverne,

but I couldn't help myself.

Of course I'll speak to you,

but just tell me what
you want to tell me.

I know there's something
you want to tell me.

I can't Laverne, I can't.

It's your life.

Since when?

Come on, let's hear it.

You're right.

It's better I say
it than someday

you're walking down
some lonely, deserted street

and an utter stranger
comes up to you and says

what I should have
said to you 20 years...

Shirl, spit it out!

All right.

I don't think that you
can look me in the eye,

and say to me, "I
love Sal Malina".

That's it?

Yes.

I love Sal Malina.

Let's go back to the church.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

I said in the eye, Laverne.

In the eye.

These eyes, that
have watched you grow

from chubby, whiny adolescence,
into terrific young womanhood.

Say it.

I... like... care
for... I lo... o...

I lo... What difference
does it make?!

Yeah, I knew it.

You didn't love him.

I knew it all along.

Well, why didn't
you just say so,

instead of walking around for
two days with this long face on?

Because I was afraid
you'd marry him, anyway.

So what?

Well, I know you, Laverne.

Every time we saw
each other, you'd say,

"Hey, it's me and that guy
you told me not to marry."

I wouldn't say it every time.

But you'd be thinking it.

And then we couldn't
be friends anymore.

Oh, come on, Shirl.

No matter what happens,
we'll always be friends.

Look, okay.

Right now, I don't love him.

But Sal's crazy about me.

I've got 40 years
to grow to love him.

Laverne, if you marry a
man that you don't love,

something terrible will happen.

Like what?

Who knows?

You'll become dissatisfied.

You'll grow restless.

You'll start calling
the milkman "Joe".

Joe?

Tell me the truth, Laverne.
Are you doing this because...

you're in trouble?

Watch your mouth, Shirl.

I'm wearing white.

Then I don't understand.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm scared, Shirl.

I mean, when Sal asked me
to marry him, I was stunned.

I didn't expect him to...

Sometimes you think you'll
never hear those words.

And then I thought I'd
never hear them again.

That's scary.

Oh, Vernie,

you make me so
sad, talking like that.

You're such a great girl.

I mean, you're the best.

And you should give
yourself a fair shake.

You should wait for a guy who
gives you goose bumps all over.

( knocking)

Is everything all
right, Laverne?

Can I come in?

Uh, park it a minute, huh, Sal?

Okay.

Please?

He's a good guy.

He's great looking,
pays attention to me,

calls me when he
says he's going to call.

He thinks I'm pretty.

He's a good guy, Shirl.

Yes, he is.

And he deserves
better than you, Laverne.

You just said I was the best.

You're not good enough for him.

He deserves a wife
who will cherish him.

One who really loves
him... who's in love with him.

Will you stop with those Prince
Charming speeches, Shirl?

I don't want to hear about
bells ringing when he kisses me

or goose bumps
when he touches me.

That's for kids.

I'm doing the
right thing, Shirl.

I may not love him now,

but in time, I will
grow to love him.

You really think

that he wants to marry a
girl who will grow to love him?

Ha, ha!

Don't make me laugh, Laverne.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha...!

Hi, Sal. Come on in.

Hi. What happened to
Shirley at the church?

Oh, nothing, she's
just a little crazy.

You know something, Laverne?

If you used 150-watt bulbs,
it'd be a lot lighter in here.

Sal, there's something I
want to talk to you about.

You know, a fluorescent
fixture in the kitchen

would really modernize
the whole room.

Wait a minute.

You're not going to
be living here, anyway.

Sal, I really like you a lot.

I like you, too, Laverne.

There's something
I want to tell you.

Sit down.

I don't get goose bumps.

Never?

Not even when you
come out of the shower?

Oh, yeah, then I... Oh, no, no.

The... Sal, at this
very moment in time,

I really like you a lot, but...

You're a terrific guy, but...

And you treat me so good, but...

But you don't love me?

So, you'll grow to love me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

You hear that, Shirl?

I'm not listening.

But he's wrong.

Wrong about what?

Oh, just something about
a milkman named Joe.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever go to a dance

with a girl that was
really crazy about you?

Sure, plenty.

Uh, a couple of times.

How was it?

Oh, it was terrific.

Did you ever go to
a dance with a girl

who just wanted
to be at the dance?

Yeah.

How was that?

It was one long evening.

This is no dance, Sal.

I mean, this is the big one.

On and on, forever and
ever and on and on...

I got it, I got it.

You think maybe we should wait

until the three of us
are a little more sure?

I think we may... need some
more time to think about it.

But in the meantime,

we could still go on
seeing each other and stuff.

I'll write you.

I'll write you back.

Sure you don't hate me?

Nah.

I'm going to get you a
fluorescent fixture for the kitchen...

at cost.

Sal?

See you.

No goose bumps.

I wasn't listening.

I'm crying, because I'm...

I was peeling onions in bed.

( sighs)

Well, what am I
supposed to do now?

Sit in my wedding dress
and watch Seahunt?

No, Vernie, it's
going to be okay.

Yeah, I think it will. I
think he understood.

Yes, he did.

Shirl?

You're welcome.

Laverne?

Hmm?

I just wasn't fair
the other night.

Carmine won me all
these stuffed animals, and...

I want you to have my panda.

What's the matter, Laverne?

I like the horsie better.

Take him, he's yours.

I was going to make a little
suit for my panda, anyway.

Pop, I got to tell
you something.

I know.

Cancel one grandson.

Someday, you'll get
a grandson, I promise.

Don't hurry, there's no hurry.

I'm too young to
be a grandfather.

Yeah, I'm sorry I
disappointed you, Pop.

Aw, muffin... you can
never disappoint me.

I wasn't a boy.

I didn't blame you for that.

I blamed that doctor.

That dummy doctor, he
couldn't keep anything straight.

I'd like to see him, I'd
like to do a few things...

Come on, Laverne,
we're going to do the stroll.

Come on!

( "You Send Me" plays)

One, two, three, four...

Whoop!

Hey!

Hey, I got it.

Yeah, that's it.

♪ Darling, you thrill me ♪

♪ Honest, you do... ♪

( theme music playing)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪