Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 14 - From Suds to Stardom - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
CARMINE: ♪ I only live ♪
♪ For your love ♪
♪ And your kiss ♪
♪ It's paradise ♪
♪ To be near you ♪
♪ Like this ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ Of you ♪
♪ My life is now worthwhile ♪
♪ And I can smile ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ Of you. ♪
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And I especially thank you
for not chewing during my act.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, Mr. DeFazio, I
really want to thank you
for giving me this chance.
How was it, okay?
It was great. You
were wonderful.
We didn't have one
fight here. Wonderful.
Oh, thanks, do you think
maybe I could sing next weekend?
Any time you want.
Oh, good! Well,
let's talk money, then.
Okay, you owe me six dollars
for the pizza you ordered.
I got to get an agent.
MR. DeFAZIO: Sing
some Italian songs,
I'll give you extra
cheese on your pizza.
The man doesn't
understand the word "money."
Well, how was I?
Terrific! Terrific!
You put Fabian to shame.
Ah, thanks.
You were so good, in fact,
that we want to ask you a favor.
Oh yeah? What is it?
You ask him. You ask him.
You ask him! You ask him!
( both talking at once)
Ink-a dink, a bottle of ink,
the cork fell out,
and you stink.
Why do I always lose at this?
Carmine... you know a lot
about show business, right?
Are you kidding? I
once met Eddie Fisher.
Oh, really?
And just what was his excuse
for breaking Debbie's heart?
Oh, well, uh, I really
didn't know him that well.
I gave him the towel, he gave
me the quarter, that was it.
LAVERNE: Uh... I
don't want to hear this.
Look, here's the skinny:
Next week is the Shotz
Brewery Talent Show
and Shirley and I
are going to audition.
And, we're going to ask
a professional to help us.
You don't need a
professional. I'll help you.
We meant you.
Oh, you...
And Carmine, this act is
very important to us because,
just between the three of us,
for the last several years,
we've been turned down.
Oh, who turned you down?
Gloria Lubitz.
She hates our guts.
Well... she hates...
she hates Laverne's guts.
She's jealous of me.
How come she hates you?
Oh, well, it's not
worth going into.
Oh-ho! Not worth going into.
Go on, you were so
proud of it at the time.
Well, a couple of years ago,
Gloria started telling
everyone down at the brewery
that I was easy.
So... one day, I snuck
into her lunch pail
and I glued her cheese
to the white bread.
( laughing hysterically)
Let's get down to work.
Okay, what have
you got to show me?
We'll do the slow one.
One, two, three.
♪ I believe for every
drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ A flower grows ♪
♪ I believe that somewhere
in the darkest night ♪
♪ A candle glows ♪
♪ Every time I hear a
newborn baby cry... ♪
( screams)
I don't want to see this.
I don't want to see this.
No good.
It's got no movement,
it's got nothing.
Oh, well, we also do it
standing on our heads
using our legs as motion.
Nah, nah, nah. No good, no good.
Nobody wants to
pay $3.50 to see feet.
Oh... Oh... Okay,
you got a fast tempo?
Let me hear the fast one.
Yes, now, well, this is
a Harry Belafonte tune.
It's a calypso number,
so don't let it throw you.
Oh, that's got possibilities.
There's some
possibilities in that one.
( blows note)
( humming note)
That's your note. Got it?
( blowing) ( humming)
( both humming off-key)
( matching pitch): ♪
Sometime this year. ♪
♪ Today, maybe. ♪
( off-key): ♪ Down the way,
where the lights are gay ♪
♪ And the sun shines daily ♪
♪ On the mountain top... ♪
Three, four...
♪ I took a trip on
a sailing ship ♪
♪ And when I reached Jamaica ♪
♪ I made a stop ♪
♪ But I'm... sad to say ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Won't be back for many a day ♪
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy in Kingston town... ♪
All right now, hold it.
♪ Down at the market... ♪
( screaming gibberish)
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You said calypso. Yeah.
You're supposed to have fun.
You're supposed
to move a little.
We did! We did
this... Sailor boy.
This is a move.
Down at the market.
That's calypso?!
That's charades!
Well, Carmine, that's why
we asked you here, to help us.
Help us. What do we do?
I can help you. I can
help you. Now listen, now.
The calypso, when
you do the calypso,
you're supposed to have fun.
You show some excitement.
You're supposed to
show romance and sex.
We don't do that.
We don't do that.
Will you come... Will
you come on, now?
Look, the calypso comes
from the tropics, see?
So you got to think
jungle... jungle.
You got to think excitement.
You gotta get hot and excited.
Let me see you move your hips.
Can you move your hips a little?
Move your hips a little.
Churn your hips.
No, you don't churn like
you're churning butter!
Churn like you're in the jungle.
That's it!
Now you're in the jungle,
you're hot, you're excited!
Let me hear... let me hear
the sounds of the jungle!
( screeching and yelling)
That's it! You got it!
All right! Now you got it!
You got it! Let me
hear you sing now! Sing!
♪ I believe for every
drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ A flower grows... ♪
( both screeching
like jungle birds)
( loud conversation,
musical instruments tuning)
Quiet!
( whistle trills)
Quiet, quiet.
Attention, please!
Everybody offstage, listen, too.
Hi, everybody,
I'm Gloria Lubitz.
I'm an ex-Rockette, and
I know show business.
Okay, now, when I point to you,
state your name,
job, and talent:
Last name first,
first name last,
and middle initial, if any.
Okay, let's start
with number one.
That's us. Come on,
it's time to get out there.
Uh, we're number one.
Uh, eh, uh, Squigman, musician,
Andrew, truck driver...
uh, no middle initial.
What are you going to do
for us today, drive your truck?
( snickering): Low blow.
( guffawing)
I tell you where
we're going to park it...
We're a musical combination:
Lenny and the Squigtones.
I'm Lenny.
And I'm the Squigtones.
Look, can we get on with this?
Yeah. We can get on with it.
Testing. Testing.
Over here. Over here.
We're back here.
Oh, all right.
Hey, hello... Hey, testing...
The song is called
"Star-crossed."
"Star-crossed," and
it's dedicated to Joanne.
And she knows who I am.
( playing slow intro)
♪ I live on the north side ♪
♪ She lives on the west ♪
♪ The west is the worst side ♪
♪ The north is the best ♪
♪ Her mother's a drunk ♪
♪ Her father's a punk ♪
♪ But I know ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ That our love ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ Could be real ♪
♪ But we're star-crossed ♪
♪ We're like Romeo and Juliet ♪
♪ Star-crossed ♪
♪ She just don't belong ♪
♪ In my social set ♪
♪ But I know ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ That someday ♪
♪ Day ♪
♪ The Lord will look our way ♪
♪ And we'll be free ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ We meet in the shadows ♪
♪ And wish on a star ♪
♪ We kiss in a phone booth ♪
♪ Or under a car ♪
♪ Our friends put us down ♪
♪ They say we're a clown ♪
♪ And it hurts ♪
♪ Yes, it hurts ♪
♪ Yes, it hurts ♪
♪ Yes, it hurts ♪
♪ In my heart! ♪
♪ That we're star-crossed ♪
♪ We're like
lollipops and caviar ♪
♪ Star-crossed ♪
♪ So we'll drive
up to the reservoir ♪
♪ Even though ♪
♪ Though ♪
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ We'll throw each other in ♪
♪ And we'll be free ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪
Play it warm and
mellow, Squiggy.
( plays screechy and off-key)
( song ends)
Okay, when do we
go on tomorrow night?
4:00 a.m.
4:00... Wait a minute.
The show will be over by then.
Exactly.
However, Leonard, I
like the way you play.
I can use you with
some of the other acts.
Oh, yeah. Hey, terrific.
You traitor!
Show business is
like a lifeboat, Squiggy.
Only the talented women
and children survive.
What does that make me?
Okay. Number two.
Where's number two...?
SHIRLEY: Here
we are! Number two!
Right here! Right here!
Uh, DeFazio, Laverne,
and Feeney, Shirley...
Uh, bottle capping.
Oh, it's you.
What are you
gonna try this year?
Something professional.
Yeah, this year, we move
our feet and everything.
Whenever you're ready.
Ready?
Ready.
Hit it.
( plays calypso intro)
♪ Down the way where
the nights are gay ♪
♪ And the sun shines
brightly on the mountain top ♪
♪ I took a trip on
a sailing ship ♪
♪ And when I reached
Jamaica, I made a stop... ♪
( whistle trills)
♪ And I'm sad to say... ♪
Okay, let's get on
with next three acts.
Okay, number three, you're up.
Don't forget to give the
piano player your music
and don't leave the
room till you're dismissed.
♪ My heart is down... ♪
Okay, look, the
juggler won't do it in C...
Are we interrupting
anything here?
No, that's all right.
I'll just talk louder.
Well, we haven't finished yet.
Want to bet?
Okay, number three, let's go.
Give her a downbeat, okay?
A downbeat? You want a downbeat?
I'll give you a downbeat.
( blows raspberry)
( accordion playing
lively melody)
Boy, did she make
a fool out of us.
Yeah, at least you did
something about it, I mean...
What? I went ( blows
raspberry) on a person's arm.
Yes, why did you do
that rather strange thing?
Uh, it's the first
thing I thought of.
But I just thought of a
second thing that's even better.
I'm going to get her.
Oh, yeah? What are you going
to do, give her another raspberry?
No.
Tweak her nose?
No.
I've got a little
something up my sleeve.
There's the little beauty.
Okay, here I go.
Wait a minute, Laverne. What?
Do me a favor, will
you? Let me handle this.
You? Ha...!
Miss Excuse-Me-I-
Didn't-Mean-It Feeney?
That's right.
I am sick and tired
of being a good sport.
I am sick and tired of
being everybody's doormat.
From now on, nobody wipes
their feet on Shirley Feeney.
Laverne, my coat.
What?
My coat! Ow!
I am going to give her
such a tongue-lashing
she is going to have
to put us in that show.
A new day is a-dawnin'
for Shirley Feeney.
And, Laverne, when
the fur starts to fly,
you just stand behind me.
I am going to make Gloria Lubitz
rue the day she was ever born.
Now try it.
I am going to make Gloria Lubitz
rue the day she was ever born.
Much better, much better.
No.
I ain't going to
play my clarinet
with a bunch of jerks
dancing behind me.
A while ago, you were
begging to be in the show,
now I'm offering you a
chance to be the finale.
You're going to get a
lot of laughs, Squiggy.
It's beneath my dignity.
If I want to be laughed at,
I can do it in the
privacy of my own home.
Good day!
( clarinet screeching)
Now, Wilber, hey,
come on, don't worry,
you're still going
to do the finale.
I've just got to find an act
that you and the boys can ruin.
We already blew ten
bucks on costumes.
Oh, no, no, no, no pouting.
Come on, no, no,
everything's going to be all right.
Come on, now.
All right, all right,
let's start blowing
up the balloons.
Good, good, that's
the spirit, good.
Oh, come on,
I want to rehearse
my opening, okay?
Give me the fanfare,
whatever it is you do.
( piano plays)
True story.
This gorilla walks into a bar...
( cymbals crash)
Lubitz, I want a word with you!
I'm busy.
Gloria, I'm not
going to mince words.
I am demanding that
you put Laverne and me
in the show or else!
Look, I...
Oh, all right, you
can be in the show.
In fact...
I'm going to make
you the finale.
The finale?
Yes, you can go on
right after the man
who plays his eyes.
Now listen, go
home and rehearse.
Rehearse really good, okay?
You did it!
You're amazing.
We're in the finale!
We better go home
and finish the costumes.
I told you we should have
finished those costumes.
Why? We weren't
going to be in the show.
Look, we've got to go
tell Wilber and the boys
the finale is set.
We've got a couple
of real suckers.
I'll teach that bimbo
to glue my sandwiches.
♪ Toot, toot,
tootsie, good-bye ♪
( popping)
♪ Toot, toot,
tootsie, don't cry ♪
( popping)
♪ The choo-choo
train that takes me ♪
( popping)
♪ Away from you ♪
♪ You'll never know
how sad it makes me ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie, goodbye ♪
( popping)
♪ Toot, toot,
tootsie, don't cry. ♪
( popping)
( music plays)
( applause)
Thank you, Mr. Wardcraft.
As usual, the high
point of the show.
( applause) Don't worry,
he'll be all right in a minute.
And now, the finale, the moment
we've all been waiting for...
Those multi-talented
little bottle cappers,
Laverne and Shirley!
( applause, music plays)
♪ Down the way where
the nights are gay ♪
♪ And the sun shines
daily on the mountain top ♪
♪ I took a trip on
a sailing ship ♪
♪ And when I reached
Jamaica, I made a stop ♪
♪ But I'm sad to
say I'm on my way ♪
♪ Won't be back for many a day ♪
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy in Kingston town ♪
Psst. ♪ Down at the market... ♪
You guys all set? Yeah,
do the girls know anything?
Not a thing. Get ready.
♪ ...on their heads they bear ♪
♪ Acky rice, salt,
fish are nice ♪
♪ And the wine is
fine any time of year ♪
♪ But I'm sad to say
I'm on my way... ♪
( audience laughs)
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy In Kingston town... ♪
( both whooping)
( music continues)
We're not alone.
What are you talking about?
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy in Kingston town. ♪
( applause)
( whistles)
( sighing heavily)
Want some root beer?
How about some chocolate milk?
Mmm... Chocolate milk, huh?
Look, I know how you're feeling.
Only when you're this upset
do you turn to Boo-Boo Kitty.
Gloria Lubitz.
I've got a good mind to
ring her doorbell and run.
Yeah, that will get her.
Boy, all that time I
thought I'd bowled her over.
Only to find out it
was a cheap trick.
Yeah, but you opened your
mouth, at least you stood up to her.
Oh, and look where it got us.
A chance to make fools
of ourselves on stage.
Didn't you feel foolish?
Didn't you feel used?
Humiliated?
I liked it.
I liked it, it was fun,
they were laughing.
Oh, they were laughing.
They were laughing
at us, not with us.
There's a big
difference, Laverne.
But they were laughing,
didn't you see them?
They were bouncing
in their seats, Shirl.
I mean, and that fat lady,
she was rolling
in the aisles there.
And, and, that other guy,
his teeth just fell
right out of his mouth.
And Perry Taski, Perry Taski,
he just took off his toupee
and started waving it.
I guess it was rather
amusing, wasn't it?
Oh, they were having a ball.
Yeah. People laugh at the
silliest things, don't they?
Yeah.
Next year, let's really
do something silly.
Like what?
Get the pillows.
The pillows... Ho, ho.
Go ahead.
Set?
I think so... yes.
Okay, now help me.
Ha. No... Laverne...
One... two... three.
♪ I believe for every
drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ A flower grows ♪
♪ I believe that somewhere
in the darkest night ♪
♪ A candle glows... ♪
We're gonna have real
big-time entertainment
and we're going to start
it off by having you meet
a fellow you all
know and like...
a guy from the neighborhood,
a former fighter,
a former dancer...
He was good in both fields...
But I think he's
best as a singer.
So I'd like to present Carmine
Ragusa and the Rageeses!
( piano plays upbeat intro)
♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches ♪
♪ If you would
only say you care ♪
♪ And though your
pockets may be empty ♪
♪ I'd be a millionaire ♪
♪ My clothes may still
be torn and tattered ♪
♪ But in my heart,
I'd be a king ♪
♪ For love is all
that ever mattered ♪
♪ My fate is up to you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
( deep bass note): ♪ Yeah. ♪
( applause)
CARMINE: Thank you.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
CARMINE: ♪ I only live ♪
♪ For your love ♪
♪ And your kiss ♪
♪ It's paradise ♪
♪ To be near you ♪
♪ Like this ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ Of you ♪
♪ My life is now worthwhile ♪
♪ And I can smile ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ Of you. ♪
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And I especially thank you
for not chewing during my act.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, Mr. DeFazio, I
really want to thank you
for giving me this chance.
How was it, okay?
It was great. You
were wonderful.
We didn't have one
fight here. Wonderful.
Oh, thanks, do you think
maybe I could sing next weekend?
Any time you want.
Oh, good! Well,
let's talk money, then.
Okay, you owe me six dollars
for the pizza you ordered.
I got to get an agent.
MR. DeFAZIO: Sing
some Italian songs,
I'll give you extra
cheese on your pizza.
The man doesn't
understand the word "money."
Well, how was I?
Terrific! Terrific!
You put Fabian to shame.
Ah, thanks.
You were so good, in fact,
that we want to ask you a favor.
Oh yeah? What is it?
You ask him. You ask him.
You ask him! You ask him!
( both talking at once)
Ink-a dink, a bottle of ink,
the cork fell out,
and you stink.
Why do I always lose at this?
Carmine... you know a lot
about show business, right?
Are you kidding? I
once met Eddie Fisher.
Oh, really?
And just what was his excuse
for breaking Debbie's heart?
Oh, well, uh, I really
didn't know him that well.
I gave him the towel, he gave
me the quarter, that was it.
LAVERNE: Uh... I
don't want to hear this.
Look, here's the skinny:
Next week is the Shotz
Brewery Talent Show
and Shirley and I
are going to audition.
And, we're going to ask
a professional to help us.
You don't need a
professional. I'll help you.
We meant you.
Oh, you...
And Carmine, this act is
very important to us because,
just between the three of us,
for the last several years,
we've been turned down.
Oh, who turned you down?
Gloria Lubitz.
She hates our guts.
Well... she hates...
she hates Laverne's guts.
She's jealous of me.
How come she hates you?
Oh, well, it's not
worth going into.
Oh-ho! Not worth going into.
Go on, you were so
proud of it at the time.
Well, a couple of years ago,
Gloria started telling
everyone down at the brewery
that I was easy.
So... one day, I snuck
into her lunch pail
and I glued her cheese
to the white bread.
( laughing hysterically)
Let's get down to work.
Okay, what have
you got to show me?
We'll do the slow one.
One, two, three.
♪ I believe for every
drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ A flower grows ♪
♪ I believe that somewhere
in the darkest night ♪
♪ A candle glows ♪
♪ Every time I hear a
newborn baby cry... ♪
( screams)
I don't want to see this.
I don't want to see this.
No good.
It's got no movement,
it's got nothing.
Oh, well, we also do it
standing on our heads
using our legs as motion.
Nah, nah, nah. No good, no good.
Nobody wants to
pay $3.50 to see feet.
Oh... Oh... Okay,
you got a fast tempo?
Let me hear the fast one.
Yes, now, well, this is
a Harry Belafonte tune.
It's a calypso number,
so don't let it throw you.
Oh, that's got possibilities.
There's some
possibilities in that one.
( blows note)
( humming note)
That's your note. Got it?
( blowing) ( humming)
( both humming off-key)
( matching pitch): ♪
Sometime this year. ♪
♪ Today, maybe. ♪
( off-key): ♪ Down the way,
where the lights are gay ♪
♪ And the sun shines daily ♪
♪ On the mountain top... ♪
Three, four...
♪ I took a trip on
a sailing ship ♪
♪ And when I reached Jamaica ♪
♪ I made a stop ♪
♪ But I'm... sad to say ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Won't be back for many a day ♪
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy in Kingston town... ♪
All right now, hold it.
♪ Down at the market... ♪
( screaming gibberish)
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You said calypso. Yeah.
You're supposed to have fun.
You're supposed
to move a little.
We did! We did
this... Sailor boy.
This is a move.
Down at the market.
That's calypso?!
That's charades!
Well, Carmine, that's why
we asked you here, to help us.
Help us. What do we do?
I can help you. I can
help you. Now listen, now.
The calypso, when
you do the calypso,
you're supposed to have fun.
You show some excitement.
You're supposed to
show romance and sex.
We don't do that.
We don't do that.
Will you come... Will
you come on, now?
Look, the calypso comes
from the tropics, see?
So you got to think
jungle... jungle.
You got to think excitement.
You gotta get hot and excited.
Let me see you move your hips.
Can you move your hips a little?
Move your hips a little.
Churn your hips.
No, you don't churn like
you're churning butter!
Churn like you're in the jungle.
That's it!
Now you're in the jungle,
you're hot, you're excited!
Let me hear... let me hear
the sounds of the jungle!
( screeching and yelling)
That's it! You got it!
All right! Now you got it!
You got it! Let me
hear you sing now! Sing!
♪ I believe for every
drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ A flower grows... ♪
( both screeching
like jungle birds)
( loud conversation,
musical instruments tuning)
Quiet!
( whistle trills)
Quiet, quiet.
Attention, please!
Everybody offstage, listen, too.
Hi, everybody,
I'm Gloria Lubitz.
I'm an ex-Rockette, and
I know show business.
Okay, now, when I point to you,
state your name,
job, and talent:
Last name first,
first name last,
and middle initial, if any.
Okay, let's start
with number one.
That's us. Come on,
it's time to get out there.
Uh, we're number one.
Uh, eh, uh, Squigman, musician,
Andrew, truck driver...
uh, no middle initial.
What are you going to do
for us today, drive your truck?
( snickering): Low blow.
( guffawing)
I tell you where
we're going to park it...
We're a musical combination:
Lenny and the Squigtones.
I'm Lenny.
And I'm the Squigtones.
Look, can we get on with this?
Yeah. We can get on with it.
Testing. Testing.
Over here. Over here.
We're back here.
Oh, all right.
Hey, hello... Hey, testing...
The song is called
"Star-crossed."
"Star-crossed," and
it's dedicated to Joanne.
And she knows who I am.
( playing slow intro)
♪ I live on the north side ♪
♪ She lives on the west ♪
♪ The west is the worst side ♪
♪ The north is the best ♪
♪ Her mother's a drunk ♪
♪ Her father's a punk ♪
♪ But I know ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ That our love ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ Could be real ♪
♪ But we're star-crossed ♪
♪ We're like Romeo and Juliet ♪
♪ Star-crossed ♪
♪ She just don't belong ♪
♪ In my social set ♪
♪ But I know ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ That someday ♪
♪ Day ♪
♪ The Lord will look our way ♪
♪ And we'll be free ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ We meet in the shadows ♪
♪ And wish on a star ♪
♪ We kiss in a phone booth ♪
♪ Or under a car ♪
♪ Our friends put us down ♪
♪ They say we're a clown ♪
♪ And it hurts ♪
♪ Yes, it hurts ♪
♪ Yes, it hurts ♪
♪ Yes, it hurts ♪
♪ In my heart! ♪
♪ That we're star-crossed ♪
♪ We're like
lollipops and caviar ♪
♪ Star-crossed ♪
♪ So we'll drive
up to the reservoir ♪
♪ Even though ♪
♪ Though ♪
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ We'll throw each other in ♪
♪ And we'll be free ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪
Play it warm and
mellow, Squiggy.
( plays screechy and off-key)
( song ends)
Okay, when do we
go on tomorrow night?
4:00 a.m.
4:00... Wait a minute.
The show will be over by then.
Exactly.
However, Leonard, I
like the way you play.
I can use you with
some of the other acts.
Oh, yeah. Hey, terrific.
You traitor!
Show business is
like a lifeboat, Squiggy.
Only the talented women
and children survive.
What does that make me?
Okay. Number two.
Where's number two...?
SHIRLEY: Here
we are! Number two!
Right here! Right here!
Uh, DeFazio, Laverne,
and Feeney, Shirley...
Uh, bottle capping.
Oh, it's you.
What are you
gonna try this year?
Something professional.
Yeah, this year, we move
our feet and everything.
Whenever you're ready.
Ready?
Ready.
Hit it.
( plays calypso intro)
♪ Down the way where
the nights are gay ♪
♪ And the sun shines
brightly on the mountain top ♪
♪ I took a trip on
a sailing ship ♪
♪ And when I reached
Jamaica, I made a stop... ♪
( whistle trills)
♪ And I'm sad to say... ♪
Okay, let's get on
with next three acts.
Okay, number three, you're up.
Don't forget to give the
piano player your music
and don't leave the
room till you're dismissed.
♪ My heart is down... ♪
Okay, look, the
juggler won't do it in C...
Are we interrupting
anything here?
No, that's all right.
I'll just talk louder.
Well, we haven't finished yet.
Want to bet?
Okay, number three, let's go.
Give her a downbeat, okay?
A downbeat? You want a downbeat?
I'll give you a downbeat.
( blows raspberry)
( accordion playing
lively melody)
Boy, did she make
a fool out of us.
Yeah, at least you did
something about it, I mean...
What? I went ( blows
raspberry) on a person's arm.
Yes, why did you do
that rather strange thing?
Uh, it's the first
thing I thought of.
But I just thought of a
second thing that's even better.
I'm going to get her.
Oh, yeah? What are you going
to do, give her another raspberry?
No.
Tweak her nose?
No.
I've got a little
something up my sleeve.
There's the little beauty.
Okay, here I go.
Wait a minute, Laverne. What?
Do me a favor, will
you? Let me handle this.
You? Ha...!
Miss Excuse-Me-I-
Didn't-Mean-It Feeney?
That's right.
I am sick and tired
of being a good sport.
I am sick and tired of
being everybody's doormat.
From now on, nobody wipes
their feet on Shirley Feeney.
Laverne, my coat.
What?
My coat! Ow!
I am going to give her
such a tongue-lashing
she is going to have
to put us in that show.
A new day is a-dawnin'
for Shirley Feeney.
And, Laverne, when
the fur starts to fly,
you just stand behind me.
I am going to make Gloria Lubitz
rue the day she was ever born.
Now try it.
I am going to make Gloria Lubitz
rue the day she was ever born.
Much better, much better.
No.
I ain't going to
play my clarinet
with a bunch of jerks
dancing behind me.
A while ago, you were
begging to be in the show,
now I'm offering you a
chance to be the finale.
You're going to get a
lot of laughs, Squiggy.
It's beneath my dignity.
If I want to be laughed at,
I can do it in the
privacy of my own home.
Good day!
( clarinet screeching)
Now, Wilber, hey,
come on, don't worry,
you're still going
to do the finale.
I've just got to find an act
that you and the boys can ruin.
We already blew ten
bucks on costumes.
Oh, no, no, no, no pouting.
Come on, no, no,
everything's going to be all right.
Come on, now.
All right, all right,
let's start blowing
up the balloons.
Good, good, that's
the spirit, good.
Oh, come on,
I want to rehearse
my opening, okay?
Give me the fanfare,
whatever it is you do.
( piano plays)
True story.
This gorilla walks into a bar...
( cymbals crash)
Lubitz, I want a word with you!
I'm busy.
Gloria, I'm not
going to mince words.
I am demanding that
you put Laverne and me
in the show or else!
Look, I...
Oh, all right, you
can be in the show.
In fact...
I'm going to make
you the finale.
The finale?
Yes, you can go on
right after the man
who plays his eyes.
Now listen, go
home and rehearse.
Rehearse really good, okay?
You did it!
You're amazing.
We're in the finale!
We better go home
and finish the costumes.
I told you we should have
finished those costumes.
Why? We weren't
going to be in the show.
Look, we've got to go
tell Wilber and the boys
the finale is set.
We've got a couple
of real suckers.
I'll teach that bimbo
to glue my sandwiches.
♪ Toot, toot,
tootsie, good-bye ♪
( popping)
♪ Toot, toot,
tootsie, don't cry ♪
( popping)
♪ The choo-choo
train that takes me ♪
( popping)
♪ Away from you ♪
♪ You'll never know
how sad it makes me ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie, goodbye ♪
( popping)
♪ Toot, toot,
tootsie, don't cry. ♪
( popping)
( music plays)
( applause)
Thank you, Mr. Wardcraft.
As usual, the high
point of the show.
( applause) Don't worry,
he'll be all right in a minute.
And now, the finale, the moment
we've all been waiting for...
Those multi-talented
little bottle cappers,
Laverne and Shirley!
( applause, music plays)
♪ Down the way where
the nights are gay ♪
♪ And the sun shines
daily on the mountain top ♪
♪ I took a trip on
a sailing ship ♪
♪ And when I reached
Jamaica, I made a stop ♪
♪ But I'm sad to
say I'm on my way ♪
♪ Won't be back for many a day ♪
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy in Kingston town ♪
Psst. ♪ Down at the market... ♪
You guys all set? Yeah,
do the girls know anything?
Not a thing. Get ready.
♪ ...on their heads they bear ♪
♪ Acky rice, salt,
fish are nice ♪
♪ And the wine is
fine any time of year ♪
♪ But I'm sad to say
I'm on my way... ♪
( audience laughs)
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy In Kingston town... ♪
( both whooping)
( music continues)
We're not alone.
What are you talking about?
♪ My heart is down, my
head is turning around ♪
♪ I had to leave a sailor
boy in Kingston town. ♪
( applause)
( whistles)
( sighing heavily)
Want some root beer?
How about some chocolate milk?
Mmm... Chocolate milk, huh?
Look, I know how you're feeling.
Only when you're this upset
do you turn to Boo-Boo Kitty.
Gloria Lubitz.
I've got a good mind to
ring her doorbell and run.
Yeah, that will get her.
Boy, all that time I
thought I'd bowled her over.
Only to find out it
was a cheap trick.
Yeah, but you opened your
mouth, at least you stood up to her.
Oh, and look where it got us.
A chance to make fools
of ourselves on stage.
Didn't you feel foolish?
Didn't you feel used?
Humiliated?
I liked it.
I liked it, it was fun,
they were laughing.
Oh, they were laughing.
They were laughing
at us, not with us.
There's a big
difference, Laverne.
But they were laughing,
didn't you see them?
They were bouncing
in their seats, Shirl.
I mean, and that fat lady,
she was rolling
in the aisles there.
And, and, that other guy,
his teeth just fell
right out of his mouth.
And Perry Taski, Perry Taski,
he just took off his toupee
and started waving it.
I guess it was rather
amusing, wasn't it?
Oh, they were having a ball.
Yeah. People laugh at the
silliest things, don't they?
Yeah.
Next year, let's really
do something silly.
Like what?
Get the pillows.
The pillows... Ho, ho.
Go ahead.
Set?
I think so... yes.
Okay, now help me.
Ha. No... Laverne...
One... two... three.
♪ I believe for every
drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ A flower grows ♪
♪ I believe that somewhere
in the darkest night ♪
♪ A candle glows... ♪
We're gonna have real
big-time entertainment
and we're going to start
it off by having you meet
a fellow you all
know and like...
a guy from the neighborhood,
a former fighter,
a former dancer...
He was good in both fields...
But I think he's
best as a singer.
So I'd like to present Carmine
Ragusa and the Rageeses!
( piano plays upbeat intro)
♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches ♪
♪ If you would
only say you care ♪
♪ And though your
pockets may be empty ♪
♪ I'd be a millionaire ♪
♪ My clothes may still
be torn and tattered ♪
♪ But in my heart,
I'd be a king ♪
♪ For love is all
that ever mattered ♪
♪ My fate is up to you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
( deep bass note): ♪ Yeah. ♪
( applause)
CARMINE: Thank you.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪