Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 13 - How Do You Say 'Are You Dead' in German? - full transcript

A German delivery man passes out in their living room and Laverne and Shirley go into a panic.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any chance ♪

♪ We'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any rule ♪

♪ We'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪



♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪



♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

SHIRLEY: You finish
dusting, Laverne.

I'll take care of the laundry.

Look at this.

Your cardigan sweater
in with the dry cleaning.

We can wash that
and save 29 cents.

Come on, can't we
even take a rest?

No. I want to get all this done

before we go to
the theater tonight.

We're not going to the theater.

We're gonna go see
the Harlem Globetrotters.

There's a singer at halftime.

Come on, I don't want
to do this anymore.

Now, you finish the dusting.

I'm going to go into the bedroom

and scrape those bugs
out of the light fixtures.

( knocking)

Who is it?

MAN ( foreign
accent): Jiffy Cleaners.

Oh.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Oh, you got my spot out. Great.

Jiffy Cleaners.

Right. How much?

Jiffy Cleaners.

Nice day.

Jiffy Cleaners. Jiffy Cleaners.

Right. You don't
speak English, huh?

Okay, move there.

Let me do this. $3.10.

I left my money in the bedroom.

I'll have to get it.

You wait.

You vait. Vait here.

Do you know that Elvis Presley
was madly in love with me?

Jiffy Cleaners.

I love it! I can say anything.

Uh... what's the matter?

You look a little
pale. You all right?

( panting): Jif...
Jiffy Cleaners.

Yeah, there's a lot
of that going around.

Uh, wait. Vait right here.

Laverne? Hmm?

Your side of the room is
disgusting... it's a pig sty.

Look here under your bed.

Dust balls the size of peaches.

All right, I'll take care of it.

You go pay for the cleaning.

How much is it? $3.10.

$3.10?

You're wrong again, Shirl. Why?

These are peaches. Oh.

Great, great, she's got
peaches under her bed.

Probably find her
slippers in the refrigerator.

Hello.

Lose something under the couch?

I say, uh...

did you lose something
under the couch?

Woo-hoo? You all right?

Ah... I get it.

Lenny and Squiggy. Ha-ha.

Laverne? Huh?

Lenny and Squiggy left a
little practical joke on our floor.

LAVERNE: Oh, those dorks.

( shouts): All right,
you can get up now.

Caught you!

Lenny! Squiggy!
Joke's over. Come on!

Good, he's still alive.

Stay that way.

( Shirley laughing)

Hello, operator? Yeah.
The joke's on you.

Send an ambulance
to 730 Knapp Street.

Yeah, it's an emergency.

Why'd you call an ambulance?

This ain't no joke.

This is the guy
from the cleaners.

No joke? No.

What's he doing
lying on our floor?

Well, maybe he fainted.

Maybe he fainted?

You mean, he could be dead?

No...

I don't like death.

No. He-he's not dead.

He's not dead. No.

Not dead, good, good.

Then let's not panic.

Let's call the undertaker.

No, you mean, the
ambulance... I already did that.

Ambulance, you
already did that. Good.

Well, then, we've done everything
humanly possible to help him.

Yeah.

Don't just stand
there! Do something!

( both shouting)

( loud slaps) Ow!

Ow!

( calmly): All right.

All right, we'll be
very calm about this.

Let's elevate his feet.

Calm.

Calm. Pick up his feet.

Going up. Here.

Good.

What next?

Um... calm.

Loosen his collar.

Loosen his collar.

Mm-hmm. All right, good.

What next?

Loosen his belt.

Why me?

All right, then,
choose. I don't care.

My mother and your mother
were hanging out the clothes.

My mother gave your
mother a sock in the nose.

What color was the blood? Red.

R-E-D. Why do I
always lose at this?

It's not too hard to
figure out, Laverne.

What if I say green? G-R-E-E-N...
It's the same exact thing.

All right.

What next?

Oh, I don't know...

Ah. Mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

Great. You do it. You do it.

You do it! You do it!

Shirley! Laverne!

Come on, I did everything
else... it's your turn.

All right. Loretta Young
would do as much.

Make sure his neck's up. I've
got his neck. I've got his neck.

Okay, open his mouth.
I've got his mouth.

Okay, make sure
his tongue's flat.

How do I do that?

With your finger.
Make sure it's flat.

I've been cleaning
with this finger.

He will never know.

Just put it in there.

Ew...! It feels...

( inhales)

( inhales)

Is it fun?

( inhales)

He is blowing in my ear.

No, no, no, you're
supposed to hold his nose.

Hold his nose.

You don't know
what you're doing.

You don't know nothing.

I'm gonna go get my father.

He's up at Mrs. Leiderhouse's.

Your father knows
how to do this?

What do you think
he's doing up there?

( panting)

I want you to know that
you are a very lucky man.

It's not anybody I
would do this for.

How about just a make-out party?

Whoa! Oh!

Lookee, lookee here. Whoo-hoo!

This is the man from
the cleaners, you dorks.

He passed out on our floor.

You fell for that one?!

The oldest one in the book.

I wouldn't use that
on my grandmother.

Um, my father
will be right down.

He just had to put his shoes on.

Hey, Laverne, I'm passing out!

Lip me! ( laughs)

You big dope, get up!

( grunts)

Will you get them out of here?

Guys, go outside and
flag down the ambulance.

Ambulance? Outside?

I'll freeze my hair off!

Hey, will you
call us if he dies?

Yeah, get out, get out.

How's he doing?

Mmm...!

( speaks German)

I puffed a man back to life!

( speaking German)

( puffing)

He's delirious... he
thinks he's a German.

Oh no, no, I forgot to tell you.

He doesn't speak no English.

Let's get him up on the couch.

Up, we're going up on the couch.

Up. Here we go. Ups-a-daisy.

Ah, there you go. There you go.

Um... you okay?

I'll get you a glass of water.

Tell him that.

Water.

Where is he? Is this him?

Of course it's him...
He's the only him here.

What happened to him?

Why is his belt unbuckled?

I did that.

Why you? Always you! Why?

Well, Shirley
breathed in his mouth.

Well, breathing in
the mouth, that's good.

Why is that good?

Mouth is good; belts is no good!

Here, let me see what
kind of tongue you got.

Maybe he's a little
tough in the tongue.

Stick your tongue out.

Ahh. The tongue, ahh, ahh.

Ahh!

Ahh...!

Where'd you find this nut?

I told you, he came
with the cleaning.

He, uh, doesn't
understand English.

We think he's German.

Oh. Guten Tag.

( speaking German)

Oh, oh, ask him
what's wrong with him.

I speak G.I. German.

Only the girls know.

Help! Emergency!

Is the ambulance here?

I'm getting to that.

We seen it coming
down the street,

and Squiggy starts
jumping up and down,

he starts waving his
arms all over the place

and starts yelling,
so they grabbed him!

Why didn't he say something?

He did... he said... ( screams)

And they tied him up
and they hauled him away!

Well why didn't
you do something?

I started to, Laverne, but
they started coming after me.

I had to run in here.

Now what are we gonna do?

Make believe it never happened.

Oh, no, they got
mad doctors there!

They got crazy doctors!

( Laverne, Shirley
and Lenny talking)

( whistles)

Hold it!

Tell you what we're gonna do.

( speaks German)

I'll go with this
nut to find out

what happened to the other nut.

You two watch
over him, make sure

he's okay, all right?

No! Wait a minute,
wait a minute!

He doesn't understand
English, we don't speak German.

I'll send over Hildie,
the German waitress.

( woman speaking German)

( man speaking German)

( both speaking German)

Oh, oh, I can tell
that this is gonna be

a story like Queen for a Day.

Nah, nah, don't start.

I can see it coming
now, you're gonna get

all carried away trying to help.

I'm not going to get all
carried away trying to help.

Well, I'm telling you now, I'm not taking
him with us to see the Globetrotters.

I've got his story.

His name is Eric.

LAVERNE: We got that.

And he just arrived
from Germany.

Girls, some crook
sold him a farm

in the middle of Lake Michigan.

So he had to go
to work for Jiffy's.

He's flat broke, and he's
living in the back of a cleaner's.

( speaking German)

He's not sick, just hungry.

Food. Grub. He needs eats. Ooh.

Whoo! I got to go, girls,
or your father gonna

break my kneecaps
off if I don't get back.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks, Hildie. Auf
Wiedersehen, sugar pie.

ERIC: Auf Wiedersehen.

Bye, Hildie.

He bought a farm in the
middle of Lake Michigan?

( telephone rings)

Hello.

It's Jiffy Cleaners.

Jiffy... Hello.

Oh, it's Mr. Colletti.

Mr. Colletti. Fat man, no hair.

Yes, Mr. Colletti,
yes, he is here.

Uh, you see, he
passed out on our floor.

Yes, I, uh, hmm?

Oh, I see, yes, but you
don't seem to understand.

He was very hungry and...

You don't need to
scream, Mr. Colletti,

I can hear... I can hear you.

Uh... good-bye. ( line clicks)

( clears throat)

He's been ired-fay
from his ob-jay.

Eric?

Ja?

You got no job.

That is good, ja, ja.

Ja. Not good.

♪ Ach de lieber augerstein ♪

♪ Augerstein, augerstein ♪

♪ Ach de lieber augerstein ♪

♪ Augerstein, ach ♪

Does anyone know "O Tannenbaum"?

I know "O Tannenbaum."

Are you girls
going to sing all day

or are you going to tell
this guy he ain't got no job?

♪ O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum ♪

Come on, come on,
come on, come on,

get it over with, tell him.

Go ahead.

Eric?

Ja?

Eric... Shirley...
Eric... Shirley...

Laverne... Carmine...

Will you forget
the introductions?

Just tell him!

Eric...

How am I going to
tell him he's been fired?

What a horrible...
Ich bin fired?

He understood you, Shirl.

Oh... Oh, he understood
the word "fired."

Probably learned
it from experience.

Look how sad he looks.

Seeing Eric like that
makes me wonder

how many other pitiful
souls are roaming the earth.

I escaped.

There was no need to escape.

Yeah, my father and Lenny

went to get you out.

Well, I couldn't wait.

I heard somebody talking about

electrical shock treatments,

so I decided to
make myself scarce.

Oh, there you are.

What are you running for, dummy?

Don't call me dummy.

I heard enough of that from
doctors who should know.

Give me those things, will you?

Here's your pants, Einstein.

What are you doing with...

What's he doing
with the sauerkraut?

Got me.

He's taking it so he'll have
something to eat later on.

( speaks German)

Danke schon.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Well, glad we could help, Eric.

I mean, you'll... something
will come up soon.

And you would've
hated that job anyway.

Yeah, get your little hattie.

Yeah, put it on, put
your little hattie on.

Yeah, bundle up, it's cold.

Well, good-bye, good luck...

Auf wiedersehen.

Gesundheidt.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, he can't go,
we can't let him go.

I mean, we've got to help him.

He's got no job.

You can't send a
man out into the world

with nothing but a
bag of sauerkraut.

Don't I know it.

Giving Eric this money

would be our way of saying

"Welcome to America,
have a nice time."

Gee, I'd love to
give something, Shirl,

but, oh, nuts, I'm flat broke.

Same here. I got
the same problem.

Yeah, yeah, I heard
that one before.

I'm not lying, Carmine,

there's nothing
but lint in here.

All right, all right, all right!

If I loan you the money,
will you contribute?

That sounds fair.

Count me in. Yeah.

Yeah! You kidding?

All right. Yeah, of course.

All right.

Here's mine.

All right, and here's
a dollar for Squiggy...

dollar for Lenny...
Make mine two dollars.

That's very generous
of you, Leonard.

It's the least I can do.

Two dollars for Lenny.

All right, Carmine,
it's your turn.

Uh, this is all I got right now.

Oh, well, every
little bit helps.

All right, Vernie?

No.

SHIRLEY: What?

What do you mean, no?

Well, I just don't
think it's right.

I mean, what are
you going to say,

"Here you go, poor person,

here's six bucks, live it up"?

Well, what do you say we do?

Well, I don't know.

Laverne, I'm so
surprised at you.

This is a side of you
I've never seen before.

This is not going to help him.

Well, what is? I don't know.

Wait a minute.
We gave, you give,

that's the law of the jungle.

Laverne, we're all doing
a very good thing here.

I just don't think it's right.

You giving...

you're just trying to make
yourselves feel better.

( all talking at once)

What a lousy thing to say.

The only reason
you don't want to give

is so you can go
to the game tonight

and stuff your face
full of snow cones

and hot dogs and
peanuts... No... no...

( all talking at once)

Shirley, I'll tell you why
she don't want to give...

'cause she's a cheapola.

( all talking)

Don't be such a
cheapskate, Laverne.

Oh, what's the boo-boo face for?

Come on now! Laverne!

( all talking)

( door slams)

Eric, you must take this.
This is for you from us.

It's for you.

Nein.

( speaks German)
He won't take it.

What is this he's saying here?

What are you saying?

( all talking)

Eric... you see...
um, let me see,

I know no German.
Uh... all right.

Eric, from our
hearts we want to...

Oh, hi, Laverne,
where have you been,

out kicking immigrants?

( laughs)

I have a note for Eric.

You know he can't read English,
what's the matter with you?

It's written in German.
I had Hildie write it.

Oh, pardon me.

Pizza Bowl! Pizza Bowl!

Danke, danke.

Achtung.

He's sure excited
about the Pizza Bowl.

Yeah, I didn't
yell half that loud,

and they put me
in a rubber room.

What does he mean,
"Pizza Bowl, Pizza Bowl"?

I don't read German.

I got him a job there.

He's the new bus boy.

CARMINE: Hey, great! Good!

We'll show him where
the Pizza Bowl is.

Come on, Eric.

Here we go, hold on to that.

LENNY: We can
teach him how to bowl.

How are you going to
teach him how to bowl?

The pins are in English.

I got to walk to the
corner with these guys.

I hope nobody sees me.

( speaking German)

( speaking German)

Auf wiedersehen.

♪ O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum ♪

( murmuring words)

♪ ...Christmas tree ♪

♪ Que sera, sera ♪

♪ Whatever will be, will be... ♪

You got Eric a job
at the Pizza Bowl?

How very wonderful of you.

Oh, it was nothing.

Any cheapola would
have done the same thing.

Better get ready to
see the Globetrotters.

Yeah, I'd better...

Why do you always do this to me?

What? I made you
call me cheapola?

I hate it when you're
kind and warm,

and I'm not ready for
it, it drives me nuts.

I was warm?

Yes, you were warm.

Well, why couldn't you be warm

when I wanted you to be warm?

I couldn't do what
you wanted to.

I mean, don't you remember

our seventh grade field
trip to the Pfister Museum?

What do whale bones
have to do with anything?

No, don't you remember
that snooty lady

when she saw my torn shoes?

She said, "Ooh,
what a poor little girl,"

then handed me 50 cents.

That really hurt
my feelings, Shirl.

I was real embarrassed.

I just remember going behind
the brontosaurus and crying.

Now I see.

What a noble thing
you've done, Laverne.

Instead of giving Eric charity,

you gave him a reason
to get up in the morning.

You gave him a job.

Yeah... You gave
him his dignity.

Dignity.

Pride.

Pride.

Self-esteem.

'Steem.

Why couldn't I do that?!

I wanted to be
the one to do that

and you did it!

All I did was mess
everything up.

Oh, no, you didn't
mess nothing up.

Yes, I did, I messed
everything up. No, you didn't.

Look, if it wasn't for you
wanting to help him so much,

I would have let him
go out in the world

with just a bag of sauerkraut.

I get so confused sometimes.

Laverne? Mm?

Am I a nice person?

Oh, sure you're a nice person.

Not as nice as
me, but... Why not?

No, I was kidding.

Of course you're a nice person.

You're a nice person,
I'm a nice person,

my father's a nice person.

Yes, he is a nice person.

To give Eric that job...

Boy, what an old
sweetheart he is.

Yeah, but he made me promise

to eat at his house twice a week

for the rest of my life.

Well, eating at
your father's house

can be very nice.

Good, I'm glad you said that.

'Cause I promised
him you'd come, too.

What?

First in the bathroom.

Laverne! Laverne!

You know I don't like to go to
your father's house for dinner.

He laughs at the
way I eat spaghetti!

( banging on door)

( humming "Sweet Georgia Brown")

Boy, do I love
those Globetrotters.

Me, too.

They make me laugh.

( humming "Sweet Georgia Brown")

Go!

I got it... I've got it.

No, you gave it to me.

I've got it.

I have it here. All right.

Toss it up.

( Globetrotter music plays)

Got it!

Cheater! Cheater!

( theme music plays)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪