Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 12 - Hi, Neighbor - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
( whistle blows)
I'm telling you, Shirl,
I paid the rent last month.
Uh-uh, last month was
even. This month is odd.
Well, with you every
month is pretty odd.
Clever remarks
do not the rent pay.
This is the 7th.
It was due on the 5th.
So we'll pay on the 10th,
like everybody else does.
Doesn't it irk you to be tardy?
Nothing irks me.
Hi, Laverne!
Hello.
What is this, there's a line?
Why is it whenever I get
out of line, there's a line?
Why am I always
last on the line?
What's with him anyway?
Somebody steal his comb?
( laughs)
Yeah, he hasn't been,
uh, his short jolly self lately.
Yeah, and yesterday we heard
he sideswiped a melon truck.
And the company had to
pay for 6,000 cantaloupes.
I'll tell you what
the trouble is.
His mother is driving him crazy.
She's a regular Godzilla.
Hey! Nobody talks
bad about my mother.
Sorry.
Boy, what a pain she is.
I wish she'd get out of my life.
How is she going
to get out of your life
if you won't even get
out of her apartment?
You still live with your mother?
( mocking laugh)
( chanting): Squiggy
lives with his mother.
Squiggy lives with his mother.
Shut up!
Maybe I do live with her,
but last night
was the last straw,
the end, period.
My stepfather was
giving a poker party,
and she made me serve
snacks to his buddies.
"Pardon me, sir,
care for a cheeseball?"
Well, if it's that unpleasant,
why don't you just move out?
I mean, everybody has to cut
the old apron strings sometime.
Keep telling him.
Yeah, yeah, I thought of that,
but I... I just got my
room the way I like it,
and I got a catchy phone number.
Well, sounds like you
got it made, Squiggy.
Besides, I can't
afford my own place.
Well, why don't you two
boys move in together?
I can't move in with him.
My brother-in-law needs
me around the house.
What?
Yeah, just last month I
helped him move the couch.
Oh, I get it!
So, you'd rather move
some stupid couch around
than help your best
friend out of a snake pit.
I never said that!
It's all right, it's all right.
They're docking me $40 a
week for the busted melons.
I guess I can always
go... live in a... storm drain.
Aw, come on, don't
be such a stupe.
Here, hold that.
Hey...
Hey, uh, you got the afternoon
paper here, Mr. DeFazio?
Eh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is this,
the Christian Science
Reading Room?
We're looking for an
apartment we can share.
Yeah.
You got five minutes to
straighten this whole thing out.
In the meantime,
order something!
All right, all right, two menus.
Here's one, here's one.
This sounds good.
"Two brdrm, one-and-a-half ba.,
wa-to-wa crpts, wt.
Br., drps and frpl."
What's wrong with your mouth?
Nothing.
Show me where it says "frpl."
Right here. You made me lose it.
Now you got me all confused.
You made me lose
it. I can't concentrate.
Oh, here's one, and
it's just a block away!
Let's go get it, huh?
Yeah, let's check it out.
Hey, cancel those menus!
We got an apartment!
Well, I finally got the
fudgesicle stain off.
How does it look?
Looks pretty good.
Yeah, I hope the
"L" doesn't pucker.
You know, we should
make it a practice
to avoid those boys
on our lunch break.
Why stop there?
Let's avoid them all the time.
You're right. Deal.
( knock at door) Good.
You know where we
should have lunch?
Where?
That place where you
get the 59-cent steak.
Yeah, I hear it comes
with a baked potato.
Right.
Who is it?
It's the landlady, Shirley.
Mrs. Havenwurst!
I swear to you, Laverne, if
she's up here about the rent,
I'm going to tell her
that it's not my month!
All right, I'll get
my checkbook.
( sighs)
Hi, Mrs. Havenwurst.
Please come in. Hi, Shirley.
Have you got a minute?
Oh, yes, I do.
Uh, Laverne's looking
for the checkbook.
I'm real sorry about
the rent being late.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm sorry to
bother you, Shirley,
but I have a couple of
prospective tenants upstairs
who said that you'd be
glad to vouch for them.
Friends of mine are
moving into the building?
Oh, how nice! I'd
love to vouch for them.
Who are they?
Hello.
Too late for the vouching?
Oh, oh, you meant these friends?
Oh. Well, um,
they're kind of special.
Yeah, we already
told her the part
about you being our
oldest friends in the world.
Laverne!
LAVERNE: I can't
find the checkbook.
She can't find the checkbook.
( shouting): Come out here!
Would you like
to talk privately?
SQUIGGY: Ah, come on.
We got nothing to hide.
Vouch away.
We-Well, let's see now.
Um... they're
ve-very good drivers.
( chuckling)
Do you think they'd
be good tenants?
Well... I... Sure she does.
She ain't gonna
stab us in the back.
No, no, I'd never
do a thing like that.
What are you talking about?
Great. It's settled, then.
No, Mrs. Havenwurst...
( chattering)
Why was my checkbook
in the hamper?
Well... Hi, neighbor!
"Hi, neighbor"?
Shirley, since you recommended
these young gentlemen,
I'm sure they'll
be lovely tenants.
Come on now, I'll show
you the garbage chute.
Ooh. All right.
Thanks a lot.
You recommended them as tenants?
( laughing)
( laughing harder)
( laughing): Oh! Oh, there...
Oh, boy, there is a rather odd
but comical story connected
with this whole thing,
and I'm going to tell it to you,
as soon as I take
a long, long shower.
Real pretty.
Yoo-hoo.
( screams)
What are you doing up here?
Nothing.
Just a little unpacking.
Well, where are
Lenny and Squiggy?
They went out to
buy a hot water bottle.
Don't ask what they do with it.
Are you still mad at me?
No. I thought it
over and I realized
what happened with
you and the landlady
could have happened
to anyone, I guess.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hmm... boy, some bachelor pad.
Bunk beds.
You know, I never thought
of those two guys
as owning anything.
Well, Squiggy's stepfather
brought all his stuff by,
so I brought it
upstairs for him.
Why didn't his
stepfather bring it up?
I don't think he had time.
He just sort of
slowed the car down
and threw everything
out in the street.
Ooh, look, Squiggy's
seventh grade report card.
He flunked everything.
"Dear Mrs. Squiggman,
"Please explain your
family's religious belief
which requires Andrew
to sleep during class."
Are we this hard up?
Spending a Saturday
night unpacking garbage?
You're right.
Let them do it for themselves.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute.
Just put their teddy bear away.
Oh... And put... (
shrieking and gasping)
What is this thing?!
I have never seen anything
like this before in my life!
What do you suppose it is?
It's a skinny pig.
( banging on door)
LAVERNE: This better be a dream.
( groaning)
Who is it?
It's Squiggy.
It's a nightmare.
( insistent banging)
Open up!
What?
Don't talk to me!
LAVERNE: But what
happened to bachelor heaven?
I mean, did you
set fire to it already?
SQUIGGY: Well,
we... Shh... What?
Shirley is sleeping, so
keep your voice down.
Well... Shh!
We was unpacking,
and I'd just found a place
for my moth collection
when... You have
a moth collection?
Had a moth collection
until that jerk Lenny
opened up the whole jar
right near the electric fan
and sucked the whole
collection through the blades.
Oh...
Then I took one of
his shirts and flushed it.
Then he punched
me in the stomach
and he threw me
right out the door.
Well, it's been a long day.
Squiggy, can't
you stay in a hotel
or the police station
or something?
Why should I?
It's Shirley that got
me into this mess...
Shirl!
If it wasn't for her,
I'd be home right now
with my mother and my moths.
LAVERNE: Come on, wake up!
SHIRLEY: Oh, what is it?
LAVERNE: Get out here.
What? What is it?
We got company.
Where? Who?
( screaming)
What's he doing on our couch?
Oh, Lenny kicked him out.
They fought over moths.
Don't ask.
Oh, Laverne,
he's getting hair tonic all
over our new slipcovers.
LAVERNE: How could a
person fall asleep so fast?
I don't know, but he's
got to get out of here.
Squiggy.
Wake up.
Come on, let's go. Whoo-hoo.
Come on.
Just grab his feet.
Oh, right. Okay.
One, two, three.
Got him! Okay, which
way? Which way?
This way. This way.
All right.
You bring him out first.
Wait, one step here!
Another step. Take him up.
Okay, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
Got it.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no! Wait.
Ow!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
No time for waiting, Shirl!
Where are we taking him?
Lenny's.
Lenny's, right. Four flights.
Back on the couch.
How could he sleep
through all of this?
He has the uncluttered
mind of a tot.
( water running)
45 minutes, Shirl, and
he's still in that bathroom!
Well, he's probably going
apartment hunting today
and wants to look his best.
( door slamming)
Hello.
It's about time.
What happened to your face?
I cut myself shaving.
Good.
I can't concentrate. I'm upset.
Hi, Shirl. What's for breakfast?
I am starved.
Yes, and you're going
to need a hearty breakfast
if you're going out
apartment hunting.
Who's apartment hunting?
Just make me a meatball omelet.
( phone rings)
( groans)
Hello? Andrew?
No, I'm sorry. You must have...
Oh, you mean Squiggy.
Uh, yes, he is. Just
a moment, please.
Squiggy, it's your mother.
She wants to talk to you.
Who gave her our number?!
Give me that.
Yeah? What do you want?
Apologize?
Huh! I'll apologize to you
when it's a cold
day in December.
Uh-huh.
Well, same to you
and many, many more.
Good-bye, Mommy!
( huffing)
You... you... you
are... You. What?
You got to do something.
You got to get him out of here.
I don't know how he did it,
but he left a ring
around the mirror.
All right. All right, I've got
everything under control here.
I'm going to tell him
to haul it out of here,
as soon as I find
the right moment.
( screechy notes)
Now's the time. That's it.
This is it.
( shrieks)
What are you doing?
I'm playing "Ebb Tide".
I got to play every day.
Otherwise, uh, it ruins my lip.
( screechy notes)
( screams)
( groaning)
That's it, Squiggy.
You're going out, horn first.
That's right.
O-u-t spells "out goes you"!
Oh, yeah? Where
am I gonna go, huh?
Well, you'll make up with Lenny.
You have an apartment upstairs.
You'll go up there.
Ha, you kidding?
I go up there, he'll
beat me to a crisp.
He's got to listen to reason.
Somebody's got to go upstairs
and talk to Lenny.
Ugh!
Ah, dealer bets a dime.
( gruff voice): I'll see a dime,
Mr. Dealer, and I'll raise you a nickel.
( normal voice): Oh, yeah?
Well, I think you're bluffing.
You're not bluffing.
I fold.
Care to, uh, try it again?
( chuckles)
( knock on door)
Oh, no.
You ain't getting in here again.
I threw you out once
'cause you're a jerk,
and I can throw you out
again 'cause you're a jerk.
Lenny, it's Laverne.
You can't fool me with
your stupid imitations.
You're going to have
to break down the door
if you want to get in here.
You forgot to lock it.
I didn't forget.
It was a mistake.
Hey, you've really
done wonders up here.
Well, I haven't had much
time to unpack, Laverne.
I've been too busy
living the good life.
I got to get that fixed.
Uh, Lenny, could you turn
off the charm for a minute?
I got to talk serious to you.
Go ahead. Oh, listen,
can I get you a drink?
A drink? I don't know.
What do you got?
Water.
No, thanks.
It's fresh. They
just turned it on.
Uh, Lenny, guess where
I ran into your friend
Squiggy this morning.
I have no friends, Laverne.
I'm a loner now.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm flying solo.
Allow me to show you something.
I drove over to
Chinatown last night
and I had something
put on my jacket
that will tell the
world just what I am.
That's me, Laverne, "Lone Wolf".
It says "One Wolf".
What a gyp.
Well, didn't you read it
before you paid for it?
How could I read it?
It was on my back.
Well, one wolf's nice.
Think so?
Yeah.
Look, you and
Squiggy made a deal
to be roommates, right?
Right.
So you got into a
little fight the first night.
So what?
Uh, you guys have
been friends all your life.
You're a natural pair.
You're just like...
Heckle and Jeckle.
All right, Laverne, all right.
You tell me this.
If Heckle had flushed Jeckle's
best shirt down the toilet,
don't you think Jeckle would
punch Heckle in the stomach?
Yeah, but if Heckle had
a good reason to do...
What am I talking about?
You're not birds,
you're human beings.
Maybe you're right, Laverne.
He was driving me crazy,
though. I mean he's such a phony.
I mean, look at the way he
combs his hair, the way he dresses.
Who's he trying to impress?
You got me there, Len.
I'll tell you the worst
thing, though, about him.
I'll tell you the worst thing
about living with Squiggy.
It gets worse. Yeah.
He starts rubbing off on you.
It was spooky, Laverne.
After six hours
in this apartment,
I was actually
starting to talk like him.
Well, he can't stay with us.
Either you take him back
or he goes out in the street.
Well, you going to throw him
out like a piece of garbage?
Well, what do you care?
You're a loner.
You're the one wolf.
You don't need friends.
From now on...
you'll hang out alone,
you'll play cards
alone, you'll bowl alone.
You're right.
This is the good life.
Live it up.
Now hold on a second, Laverne.
Yes?
Maybe I am kidding myself.
I mean, he is my best friend.
Lenny... he's your only friend.
Boy, that's the sad truth.
As long as you're
living under this roof,
you are going to make
yourself useful, do you hear me?
You're going to wash dishes,
you're going to clean
out the bird cage,
you're going to
take out the trash...
Wait a minute.
I ain't dumping trash
dressed like this.
It's not as God intended.
( laughing)
Get him out of our house!
Shirl, unzip me this minute.
All right.
Don't you rip out my
basting, you hear me?
Lenny, don't you have
something to say to Squiggy?
Yeah. Will you marry me?
( cracking up)
What am I laughing at?
All right, all right.
Come on.
Okay, uh...
Hey, look, uh... if you, if
you want to come upstairs,
uh, I'll help you paste
your moths back together.
Well...
in that case, I'll go up
there and get a plunger.
Maybe I can still
save your shirt.
Okay. Okay.
Well, come on, shake.
No.
With him.
Stupid! Stupid!
Well, I think that this
calls for a celebration.
Yeah! Yeah!
Just the two of you upstairs.
Oh, okay. All right.
I'll take the pillows.
Here, I got them.
Here you go. Wait, wait, wait.
Don't forget your little friend.
You took Jeffrey?
Yeah, well, he's mine.
He is not.
Well, you said we
could share him.
I hope you learned this lesson.
What? What lesson?
That things have a way
of working themselves out.
Those things didn't
work themselves out.
We had to kick them out.
Do you hate the idea of
them living here so much?
I mean, do you want me
to go to Mrs. Havenwurst
and take back my recommendation?
Oh, you can't do that.
No.
They got their
place all fixed up.
( chuckling)
Besides, I guess
they have feelings, too.
Don't they?
I'm... I'm sure
they have feelings.
God knows what they are.
Uh, how about some help, huh?
Well, who do got got in mind?
Well, how about Lenny here?
LENNY: I'm looking
for my jacket, Carmine.
CARMINE: Never mind, never mind!
Oh, hi, Carmine.
Hi, Shirl.
Okay, Squiggy, what
was all that screaming
in the laundry room about?
Well, it was your fault.
I did everything you said,
and, and it was a complete
disaster. Complete.
Squiggy, a five-year-old could
operate a washing machine.
Yeah? Well, then tell me this.
How come all my stuff
came out pink, huh?
All right, let's go
to the laundry room
and try it again, shall we?
Sure. Only this time,
will you get it right?
Woman!
Whoa! That's it. That's it.
Are you sure there isn't
anything else you want?
Nah, nah. We can move
the TV set in once we buy it.
Aah...
Hi, Carmine.
Don't help move nothing.
Shirley just went down
to the laundry room.
Well, I really came to see you.
Oh, yeah?
You came to see me again, huh?
Yeah. You were so nice
about taking Squiggy back,
I thought I owed you something.
Should I, uh, take a shower?
Relax, Len.
I brought you your jacket.
You did? You found it, huh?
No, I'm bringing
it back. I took it.
What did you do that for?
I knew how upset
you were, so I fixed it.
Oh, boy, look at that!
Oh, that's great! Mmm...
Thanks. That's wonderful.
Lone Wolf. Lone Wolf.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
( whistle blows)
I'm telling you, Shirl,
I paid the rent last month.
Uh-uh, last month was
even. This month is odd.
Well, with you every
month is pretty odd.
Clever remarks
do not the rent pay.
This is the 7th.
It was due on the 5th.
So we'll pay on the 10th,
like everybody else does.
Doesn't it irk you to be tardy?
Nothing irks me.
Hi, Laverne!
Hello.
What is this, there's a line?
Why is it whenever I get
out of line, there's a line?
Why am I always
last on the line?
What's with him anyway?
Somebody steal his comb?
( laughs)
Yeah, he hasn't been,
uh, his short jolly self lately.
Yeah, and yesterday we heard
he sideswiped a melon truck.
And the company had to
pay for 6,000 cantaloupes.
I'll tell you what
the trouble is.
His mother is driving him crazy.
She's a regular Godzilla.
Hey! Nobody talks
bad about my mother.
Sorry.
Boy, what a pain she is.
I wish she'd get out of my life.
How is she going
to get out of your life
if you won't even get
out of her apartment?
You still live with your mother?
( mocking laugh)
( chanting): Squiggy
lives with his mother.
Squiggy lives with his mother.
Shut up!
Maybe I do live with her,
but last night
was the last straw,
the end, period.
My stepfather was
giving a poker party,
and she made me serve
snacks to his buddies.
"Pardon me, sir,
care for a cheeseball?"
Well, if it's that unpleasant,
why don't you just move out?
I mean, everybody has to cut
the old apron strings sometime.
Keep telling him.
Yeah, yeah, I thought of that,
but I... I just got my
room the way I like it,
and I got a catchy phone number.
Well, sounds like you
got it made, Squiggy.
Besides, I can't
afford my own place.
Well, why don't you two
boys move in together?
I can't move in with him.
My brother-in-law needs
me around the house.
What?
Yeah, just last month I
helped him move the couch.
Oh, I get it!
So, you'd rather move
some stupid couch around
than help your best
friend out of a snake pit.
I never said that!
It's all right, it's all right.
They're docking me $40 a
week for the busted melons.
I guess I can always
go... live in a... storm drain.
Aw, come on, don't
be such a stupe.
Here, hold that.
Hey...
Hey, uh, you got the afternoon
paper here, Mr. DeFazio?
Eh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is this,
the Christian Science
Reading Room?
We're looking for an
apartment we can share.
Yeah.
You got five minutes to
straighten this whole thing out.
In the meantime,
order something!
All right, all right, two menus.
Here's one, here's one.
This sounds good.
"Two brdrm, one-and-a-half ba.,
wa-to-wa crpts, wt.
Br., drps and frpl."
What's wrong with your mouth?
Nothing.
Show me where it says "frpl."
Right here. You made me lose it.
Now you got me all confused.
You made me lose
it. I can't concentrate.
Oh, here's one, and
it's just a block away!
Let's go get it, huh?
Yeah, let's check it out.
Hey, cancel those menus!
We got an apartment!
Well, I finally got the
fudgesicle stain off.
How does it look?
Looks pretty good.
Yeah, I hope the
"L" doesn't pucker.
You know, we should
make it a practice
to avoid those boys
on our lunch break.
Why stop there?
Let's avoid them all the time.
You're right. Deal.
( knock at door) Good.
You know where we
should have lunch?
Where?
That place where you
get the 59-cent steak.
Yeah, I hear it comes
with a baked potato.
Right.
Who is it?
It's the landlady, Shirley.
Mrs. Havenwurst!
I swear to you, Laverne, if
she's up here about the rent,
I'm going to tell her
that it's not my month!
All right, I'll get
my checkbook.
( sighs)
Hi, Mrs. Havenwurst.
Please come in. Hi, Shirley.
Have you got a minute?
Oh, yes, I do.
Uh, Laverne's looking
for the checkbook.
I'm real sorry about
the rent being late.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm sorry to
bother you, Shirley,
but I have a couple of
prospective tenants upstairs
who said that you'd be
glad to vouch for them.
Friends of mine are
moving into the building?
Oh, how nice! I'd
love to vouch for them.
Who are they?
Hello.
Too late for the vouching?
Oh, oh, you meant these friends?
Oh. Well, um,
they're kind of special.
Yeah, we already
told her the part
about you being our
oldest friends in the world.
Laverne!
LAVERNE: I can't
find the checkbook.
She can't find the checkbook.
( shouting): Come out here!
Would you like
to talk privately?
SQUIGGY: Ah, come on.
We got nothing to hide.
Vouch away.
We-Well, let's see now.
Um... they're
ve-very good drivers.
( chuckling)
Do you think they'd
be good tenants?
Well... I... Sure she does.
She ain't gonna
stab us in the back.
No, no, I'd never
do a thing like that.
What are you talking about?
Great. It's settled, then.
No, Mrs. Havenwurst...
( chattering)
Why was my checkbook
in the hamper?
Well... Hi, neighbor!
"Hi, neighbor"?
Shirley, since you recommended
these young gentlemen,
I'm sure they'll
be lovely tenants.
Come on now, I'll show
you the garbage chute.
Ooh. All right.
Thanks a lot.
You recommended them as tenants?
( laughing)
( laughing harder)
( laughing): Oh! Oh, there...
Oh, boy, there is a rather odd
but comical story connected
with this whole thing,
and I'm going to tell it to you,
as soon as I take
a long, long shower.
Real pretty.
Yoo-hoo.
( screams)
What are you doing up here?
Nothing.
Just a little unpacking.
Well, where are
Lenny and Squiggy?
They went out to
buy a hot water bottle.
Don't ask what they do with it.
Are you still mad at me?
No. I thought it
over and I realized
what happened with
you and the landlady
could have happened
to anyone, I guess.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hmm... boy, some bachelor pad.
Bunk beds.
You know, I never thought
of those two guys
as owning anything.
Well, Squiggy's stepfather
brought all his stuff by,
so I brought it
upstairs for him.
Why didn't his
stepfather bring it up?
I don't think he had time.
He just sort of
slowed the car down
and threw everything
out in the street.
Ooh, look, Squiggy's
seventh grade report card.
He flunked everything.
"Dear Mrs. Squiggman,
"Please explain your
family's religious belief
which requires Andrew
to sleep during class."
Are we this hard up?
Spending a Saturday
night unpacking garbage?
You're right.
Let them do it for themselves.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute.
Just put their teddy bear away.
Oh... And put... (
shrieking and gasping)
What is this thing?!
I have never seen anything
like this before in my life!
What do you suppose it is?
It's a skinny pig.
( banging on door)
LAVERNE: This better be a dream.
( groaning)
Who is it?
It's Squiggy.
It's a nightmare.
( insistent banging)
Open up!
What?
Don't talk to me!
LAVERNE: But what
happened to bachelor heaven?
I mean, did you
set fire to it already?
SQUIGGY: Well,
we... Shh... What?
Shirley is sleeping, so
keep your voice down.
Well... Shh!
We was unpacking,
and I'd just found a place
for my moth collection
when... You have
a moth collection?
Had a moth collection
until that jerk Lenny
opened up the whole jar
right near the electric fan
and sucked the whole
collection through the blades.
Oh...
Then I took one of
his shirts and flushed it.
Then he punched
me in the stomach
and he threw me
right out the door.
Well, it's been a long day.
Squiggy, can't
you stay in a hotel
or the police station
or something?
Why should I?
It's Shirley that got
me into this mess...
Shirl!
If it wasn't for her,
I'd be home right now
with my mother and my moths.
LAVERNE: Come on, wake up!
SHIRLEY: Oh, what is it?
LAVERNE: Get out here.
What? What is it?
We got company.
Where? Who?
( screaming)
What's he doing on our couch?
Oh, Lenny kicked him out.
They fought over moths.
Don't ask.
Oh, Laverne,
he's getting hair tonic all
over our new slipcovers.
LAVERNE: How could a
person fall asleep so fast?
I don't know, but he's
got to get out of here.
Squiggy.
Wake up.
Come on, let's go. Whoo-hoo.
Come on.
Just grab his feet.
Oh, right. Okay.
One, two, three.
Got him! Okay, which
way? Which way?
This way. This way.
All right.
You bring him out first.
Wait, one step here!
Another step. Take him up.
Okay, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
Got it.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no! Wait.
Ow!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
No time for waiting, Shirl!
Where are we taking him?
Lenny's.
Lenny's, right. Four flights.
Back on the couch.
How could he sleep
through all of this?
He has the uncluttered
mind of a tot.
( water running)
45 minutes, Shirl, and
he's still in that bathroom!
Well, he's probably going
apartment hunting today
and wants to look his best.
( door slamming)
Hello.
It's about time.
What happened to your face?
I cut myself shaving.
Good.
I can't concentrate. I'm upset.
Hi, Shirl. What's for breakfast?
I am starved.
Yes, and you're going
to need a hearty breakfast
if you're going out
apartment hunting.
Who's apartment hunting?
Just make me a meatball omelet.
( phone rings)
( groans)
Hello? Andrew?
No, I'm sorry. You must have...
Oh, you mean Squiggy.
Uh, yes, he is. Just
a moment, please.
Squiggy, it's your mother.
She wants to talk to you.
Who gave her our number?!
Give me that.
Yeah? What do you want?
Apologize?
Huh! I'll apologize to you
when it's a cold
day in December.
Uh-huh.
Well, same to you
and many, many more.
Good-bye, Mommy!
( huffing)
You... you... you
are... You. What?
You got to do something.
You got to get him out of here.
I don't know how he did it,
but he left a ring
around the mirror.
All right. All right, I've got
everything under control here.
I'm going to tell him
to haul it out of here,
as soon as I find
the right moment.
( screechy notes)
Now's the time. That's it.
This is it.
( shrieks)
What are you doing?
I'm playing "Ebb Tide".
I got to play every day.
Otherwise, uh, it ruins my lip.
( screechy notes)
( screams)
( groaning)
That's it, Squiggy.
You're going out, horn first.
That's right.
O-u-t spells "out goes you"!
Oh, yeah? Where
am I gonna go, huh?
Well, you'll make up with Lenny.
You have an apartment upstairs.
You'll go up there.
Ha, you kidding?
I go up there, he'll
beat me to a crisp.
He's got to listen to reason.
Somebody's got to go upstairs
and talk to Lenny.
Ugh!
Ah, dealer bets a dime.
( gruff voice): I'll see a dime,
Mr. Dealer, and I'll raise you a nickel.
( normal voice): Oh, yeah?
Well, I think you're bluffing.
You're not bluffing.
I fold.
Care to, uh, try it again?
( chuckles)
( knock on door)
Oh, no.
You ain't getting in here again.
I threw you out once
'cause you're a jerk,
and I can throw you out
again 'cause you're a jerk.
Lenny, it's Laverne.
You can't fool me with
your stupid imitations.
You're going to have
to break down the door
if you want to get in here.
You forgot to lock it.
I didn't forget.
It was a mistake.
Hey, you've really
done wonders up here.
Well, I haven't had much
time to unpack, Laverne.
I've been too busy
living the good life.
I got to get that fixed.
Uh, Lenny, could you turn
off the charm for a minute?
I got to talk serious to you.
Go ahead. Oh, listen,
can I get you a drink?
A drink? I don't know.
What do you got?
Water.
No, thanks.
It's fresh. They
just turned it on.
Uh, Lenny, guess where
I ran into your friend
Squiggy this morning.
I have no friends, Laverne.
I'm a loner now.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm flying solo.
Allow me to show you something.
I drove over to
Chinatown last night
and I had something
put on my jacket
that will tell the
world just what I am.
That's me, Laverne, "Lone Wolf".
It says "One Wolf".
What a gyp.
Well, didn't you read it
before you paid for it?
How could I read it?
It was on my back.
Well, one wolf's nice.
Think so?
Yeah.
Look, you and
Squiggy made a deal
to be roommates, right?
Right.
So you got into a
little fight the first night.
So what?
Uh, you guys have
been friends all your life.
You're a natural pair.
You're just like...
Heckle and Jeckle.
All right, Laverne, all right.
You tell me this.
If Heckle had flushed Jeckle's
best shirt down the toilet,
don't you think Jeckle would
punch Heckle in the stomach?
Yeah, but if Heckle had
a good reason to do...
What am I talking about?
You're not birds,
you're human beings.
Maybe you're right, Laverne.
He was driving me crazy,
though. I mean he's such a phony.
I mean, look at the way he
combs his hair, the way he dresses.
Who's he trying to impress?
You got me there, Len.
I'll tell you the worst
thing, though, about him.
I'll tell you the worst thing
about living with Squiggy.
It gets worse. Yeah.
He starts rubbing off on you.
It was spooky, Laverne.
After six hours
in this apartment,
I was actually
starting to talk like him.
Well, he can't stay with us.
Either you take him back
or he goes out in the street.
Well, you going to throw him
out like a piece of garbage?
Well, what do you care?
You're a loner.
You're the one wolf.
You don't need friends.
From now on...
you'll hang out alone,
you'll play cards
alone, you'll bowl alone.
You're right.
This is the good life.
Live it up.
Now hold on a second, Laverne.
Yes?
Maybe I am kidding myself.
I mean, he is my best friend.
Lenny... he's your only friend.
Boy, that's the sad truth.
As long as you're
living under this roof,
you are going to make
yourself useful, do you hear me?
You're going to wash dishes,
you're going to clean
out the bird cage,
you're going to
take out the trash...
Wait a minute.
I ain't dumping trash
dressed like this.
It's not as God intended.
( laughing)
Get him out of our house!
Shirl, unzip me this minute.
All right.
Don't you rip out my
basting, you hear me?
Lenny, don't you have
something to say to Squiggy?
Yeah. Will you marry me?
( cracking up)
What am I laughing at?
All right, all right.
Come on.
Okay, uh...
Hey, look, uh... if you, if
you want to come upstairs,
uh, I'll help you paste
your moths back together.
Well...
in that case, I'll go up
there and get a plunger.
Maybe I can still
save your shirt.
Okay. Okay.
Well, come on, shake.
No.
With him.
Stupid! Stupid!
Well, I think that this
calls for a celebration.
Yeah! Yeah!
Just the two of you upstairs.
Oh, okay. All right.
I'll take the pillows.
Here, I got them.
Here you go. Wait, wait, wait.
Don't forget your little friend.
You took Jeffrey?
Yeah, well, he's mine.
He is not.
Well, you said we
could share him.
I hope you learned this lesson.
What? What lesson?
That things have a way
of working themselves out.
Those things didn't
work themselves out.
We had to kick them out.
Do you hate the idea of
them living here so much?
I mean, do you want me
to go to Mrs. Havenwurst
and take back my recommendation?
Oh, you can't do that.
No.
They got their
place all fixed up.
( chuckling)
Besides, I guess
they have feelings, too.
Don't they?
I'm... I'm sure
they have feelings.
God knows what they are.
Uh, how about some help, huh?
Well, who do got got in mind?
Well, how about Lenny here?
LENNY: I'm looking
for my jacket, Carmine.
CARMINE: Never mind, never mind!
Oh, hi, Carmine.
Hi, Shirl.
Okay, Squiggy, what
was all that screaming
in the laundry room about?
Well, it was your fault.
I did everything you said,
and, and it was a complete
disaster. Complete.
Squiggy, a five-year-old could
operate a washing machine.
Yeah? Well, then tell me this.
How come all my stuff
came out pink, huh?
All right, let's go
to the laundry room
and try it again, shall we?
Sure. Only this time,
will you get it right?
Woman!
Whoa! That's it. That's it.
Are you sure there isn't
anything else you want?
Nah, nah. We can move
the TV set in once we buy it.
Aah...
Hi, Carmine.
Don't help move nothing.
Shirley just went down
to the laundry room.
Well, I really came to see you.
Oh, yeah?
You came to see me again, huh?
Yeah. You were so nice
about taking Squiggy back,
I thought I owed you something.
Should I, uh, take a shower?
Relax, Len.
I brought you your jacket.
You did? You found it, huh?
No, I'm bringing
it back. I took it.
What did you do that for?
I knew how upset
you were, so I fixed it.
Oh, boy, look at that!
Oh, that's great! Mmm...
Thanks. That's wonderful.
Lone Wolf. Lone Wolf.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪