Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 11 - Fakeout at the Stakeout - full transcript
Laverne becomes a decoy to help catch a thief.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
LAVERNE: I got the cute one.
SHIRLEY: I know...
( talking over each other)
Wait a minute, here.
Something's wrong.
I know... two people can't fit
through the door
at the same time.
Now ease in, ease in. No!
That's not what I mean.
The door was ajar.
Hmm, which means
that you didn't close it
on the way to work this morning.
I did so close it.
In fact, I double-locked
it from the outside.
I remember, 'cause I was
very sleepy this morning,
and I tried to stick
the rabbit's foot part
in the lock by mistake.
The fact remains
that the door was open
and you were the last one out.
You also left the lights on.
Shirl, I walked
out the door, right?
I tried the rabbit's foot.
No good.
Then I stuck my key in the lock.
It clicked... then I did it
in the upper lock
and it clicked, okay?
( rattling)
( knocking)
Who is it?
Who do you think it is?!
Would you open the door?!
What's the matter with you?!
Laverne... I can't seem
to find my poodle skirt.
Oh. Didn't you, uh,
lend it to Teri Buttafuco?
You know that I do not
lend my poodle skirt out.
What are these
drawers doing open?
( door slams)
Where's my blue angora sweater?
I can't find my plaid scarf
with the matching cap, either.
I can't find my blue car
coat or my lucky sweater.
We've been hit.
Oh, I knew it when
I saw the door.
Okay, we've been
robbed, we've been robbed.
Laverne, Laverne,
suppose the crook
is somewhere in
the apartment still?
Go look.
What, am I crazy here?
Get the bats. Give me mine.
( whispering): Come on.
Okay. All right.
Don't let him know
that we're alone.
Well, thanks for
seeing me home, Bruno.
You want to stay
for some coffee?
I'll get your dog some raw meat.
( in a deep voice):
Thanks, honey, uh, let's see.
Don't touch the
dog... He's a killer.
You know, Bruno, I
don't often let big guys
like you in my bedroom.
Aw, thanks,
honey, I'm flattered.
( screaming)
( shouts)
( screaming)
It's one of your
stuffed animals.
I thought it was a dead person.
Boo-boo kitty! You
found boo-boo kitty.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Huh, boy, all I've got to say
is it's a good thing
he wasn't here.
I would've given
him a part in his hair
he would never have forgotten.
Hello, Pop?
Are you sitting down?
We've been robbed!
( screaming)
LAVERNE: Would you believe
the police station is still busy?
How many people
got robbed tonight?
Make sure you don't
wipe off any fingerprints.
Okay. I read that somewhere.
I know. Dick Tracy's
Crime Stopper's Notebook.
You know, that's how
they captured "Flyface."
I hated Flyface. ( knocking)
Who is it?
FRANK: It's me, your father!
Let me in... let's see
what happened here!
Coming, Pop.
Laverne, Shirley, you all right?
Yeah. Nothing happened?
No. Jump. Let me see your hands.
No, no, no, no,
no, she's perfectly...
Shirley, what happened
to your hands?!
My hands? No, no, nothing
happened to my hands.
These are just gloves.
See, we were not hurt,
Pop. We were robbed.
Well, that's it... you're moving
back with me... you, too.
We've been through
this a hundred times.
I'm not moving back home.
Okay. Then you'll both
move in with Aunt Josephine.
I'm going to pack your
clothes and call her.
That's what I'm going to do.
Gee, I don't even know
your Aunt Josephine.
Do you suppose she'll like me?
I mean... What are you, crazy?
We're not moving anywhere.
He'll calm down.
Okay. Let's rebuild
the barricade.
No, my pop's here.
What else bad could happen?
Hello.
Don't you two ever knock?
Hush, woman, hush.
We heard you was robbed,
so we figured
you'd be hysterical.
Now hush, hush.
I'm not hysterical.
My father's hysterical.
Hello, Aunt Josephine.
Stop chewing a minute!
Laverne was
almost killed tonight!
What do you mean, call
you back in ten minutes?
Listen, you want to help us,
why don't you just go
out and catch the crook?
You mean like detectives?
What about my retainer?
Well, keep your mouth
closed, and no one will notice.
Low blow.
( sighs): Oh, geez.
I'm going to try the cops again.
All right, you're all set now.
Your Aunt Josie don't
want you. Oh, good.
Yeah, so she's going to
send over Uncle Fungie,
and he's going to live here.
Oh, I don't want Uncle
Fungie on my couch.
Hey, hey, hey, he
gave you a savings bond
when you were born.
I don't care.
I don't want him here.
He shaves in the kitchen.
Laverne, I still can't get
the police department.
You want to help, Pop? Yeah.
Why don't you go
down to the police station
and tell the cops, and have them
send someone over here, okay?
Yeah. So what if he
shaves in the kitchen?
What would you rather have:
burglars or a little
hair in the sink?
Burglars. Burglars.
I'd much rather have
burglars. Burglars, yeah.
And one gray poodle skirt
with a black poodle on it.
Oh, also Laverne's lucky sweater
with a big old "L" on the chest.
Big old "L" on the chest.
Got it.
Um, Officer, is there any chance
of our getting our stuff back?
Well, have you girls ever had
your clothing stolen before?
No. Yes.
What yes? Yes.
Eve Silverman. Oh, yeah.
Who's Eve Silverman?
Oh, Evie Silverman
stole Shirley's gym suit
in the seventh grade,
and she had to, um,
miss the trampoline show.
Yes, and I was assured
of honorable mention.
Well, I can't help you
with that, you know,
but this case looks
like it's the work
of the Milwaukee Masher.
Milwaukee Masher? Yeah.
What does he do,
beat up potatoes?
No, no, a masher is a man who...
I know. Ladies.
( talking over each
other) Girls! Girls, please!
Thank you.
See, the Milwaukee
Masher steals girls' clothing,
then he uses them as a disguise
in order to go in the
park and snatch purses.
Well, wouldn't he
make more money
if he took our TV and
Victrola or something?
Well, I got my own
theory about this criminal.
He's a lunatic.
A lunatic is going to use
our clothes in a crime.
That makes my
sweater an accomplice.
I guess it'll get
two to five, huh?
You know, that's a cute one.
You know, I don't get a
chance to meet many victims
with a sense of humor.
Aw, I kind of laugh at life.
Hey, I like to do that, too...
only it's hard
when you're yelling
at some guy, "Spread 'em!"
I've got it. Tess Trueheart.
Whenever Dick Tracy wanted
to catch a purse snatcher,
he just sent Tess Trueheart
to the park as a decoy.
We already thought of that.
You see, we don't have any
policewomen at our precinct,
and we don't get any volunteers.
Well, listen, it was nice
meeting the two of you.
We'll try and find
your clothes for you,
and, uh, we'll be
in touch, all right?
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll volunteer.
What?
Uh, to be Tess
Trueheart in the park.
Great! Thanks a lot.
You come down to
the station tomorrow,
and we'll set it
all up, all right?
Okay. Thanks. Good night.
It's that, um, big building
four blocks down, right?
Yeah, you-you'll recognize it.
They're all dressed like me.
Hey, he was sort
of a nice fellow, huh?
Maybe we can
even get our clothes.
What is that staring?
I don't believe this!
You're going to go out in the
park and entice a deranged man?
You're going to stand
in the line of fire?
Why would you want to do
something crazy like that?
Fun.
Okay, see that little
black spot up there?
Yeah, those are nice fillings.
Yeah, yeah, it's all right...
See, the police gave me
these binoculars and everything.
I don't understand, Laverne.
Why do you want to
go in the park as a decoy
and maybe get yourself
hurt, huh? Why, huh?
Well, I want to get
my clothes back.
You know they took
my lucky sweater?
Climb off it.
Climb off what?
You're always telling
me to be a good citizen,
so I'm being a good citizen.
That's a bunch of bunk.
Hey, are you sure
you're telling us the truth?
LAVERNE: Yeah. Yeah?
Well, how come you got
your fingers crossed?
Just leave me alone.
It's nobody's business
why I'm doing it.
Aha!
I knew it.
I knew there was another reason.
Yeah?
Well, maybe there is,
and maybe there isn't.
There, you see, you see?
But I ain't talking
about it with no girl
with no chocolate milk
mustache... come here.
Aw, Shirl, we talked to her.
It's no good... it's
no good trying her.
Look, uh, I got to get back
to the dance studio
in five minutes.
Is there anything else
you want me to do?
Yes. I want you to
give Laverne a lesson.
She'll need it on
the stakeout tonight.
What am I going to do,
mambo the man to death?
Not a dance
lesson. Self-defense.
I want Carmine to
teach you how to fight.
Wait a second. I
know how to fight.
I know you know how
to fight normal people,
but I want you to
teach her something,
a little trick that she can use
against a sick, crazed
wacko wearing a poodle skirt.
I think I got just the thing.
Really? I got time for one move.
You ready for this
now? Watch this now.
Watch this... Grab me
from behind, Shirley.
Me? Okay. Right. Eyes over here.
Right here? No, the other hand.
The other hand. In
case he uses this.
Oh, there you go. No problem.
Ow, okay. Fins, fins!
Works on either way.
Oh! Did you see that?
I got it. I saw it.
Okay. You got it?
That's a great trick.
Thanks, Carmine.
Got it? Good,
'cause I got to go.
And, uh, hey, look,
maybe, uh, later,
I'll teach you how
to fight two guys.
How do you do that?
Bring a friend.
Well, I got to get going.
Your money or your life!
What are you doing?
I thought you had
this trick down.
I do. Now would
you get off of me?
No, look, grab my arm
like Carmine taught you...
Hey, chicken fight!
( all shouting)
What are you quitting for?
Yeah. I was just starting.
Would you get off of him?
Who? Oh.
What are these get-ups
you're dressed in?
Why are you dressed like this?
This is so we won't
stand out in a crowd.
That's right.
These are our detective suits.
It just so happens
we found out who
stole your clothes.
Really? Who?
( laughing)
It wasn't a who, it was a what.
You just said who.
I said a who... Tell them who...
Ladies, your burglar is a dog.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Uh, fantastic as it
may seem, Laverne,
it's the same dog
that's been tipping
over all the garbage cans
in the neighborhood.
I saw him run off
with a kid's jacket
just this morning.
SHIRLEY: Oh, boy.
And Laverne, he
was eating the lining.
Get out.
What?
Get out. Get out.
Thank you very
much for your help.
And, oh, wait just a second.
I couldn't stand it
when I heard the news.
Watch my lips
as I tell you this.
I think that you
can rule out animals
as suspects.
Never rule out
the obvious, Shirl.
Get 'em out.
Out! Get out!
Why do we let them in our house?
In some crazy way, you know,
I wish they had
caught the crook.
Then you wouldn't be
going out to the park
on this fool's errand.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing to it.
It's easy as pie.
Just put on your
coat, like this,
get your pocketbook,
and you go out in the park
by myself... Without you.
All alone.
To a dark park.
So long.
( door closes)
Look, if I don't come back...
give my clothes to
Louise Lipshitz, huh?
And, uh, you can have
my charm bracelet.
Except for the silver
moo cow I got in Kenosha.
Give the silver moo cow to...
Will you please leave?
Some friend you are.
No! No!
No!
Wait a minute, come
back, come back!
Yeah? What do you want?
Oh, go away! Go away!
Come back. Go away.
We're questioning dogs out here.
She can't leave.
She forgot her binoculars.
I'll have to take them to her.
Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't
tell Lenny and Squiggy
about my poodle skirt.
♪ In the still of the night ♪
♪ I held you... ♪
Come on, sing.
♪ Held you tight ♪
♪ 'Cause I love ♪
♪ Sha-dootin', shooby doo ♪
♪ Love you so ♪
♪ Sha-dootin', shooby doo ♪
♪ Promise I'll never... ♪
( brush rustling)
( screaming)
Relax!
It's only me.
I'm glad you're hiding so close.
Yeah, well, we got to
move back a little farther,
but we'll still be able
to see you, okay?
Oh, move back a little farther?
Here, take the binoculars.
Okay. Hey, listen,
was that you two
girls singing just now?
Yes, it was. Do you like it?
No.
You see, you see,
it's not going to work.
Two girls singing in the park
doesn't make good decoying.
Nobody's going to
attack a musical group.
Oh, we're very sorry.
She made me do it.
Listen, could you
girls sit separately?
It'll look a little better, huh?
Oh, um... Shirley,
you stay there.
Laverne, come on
over here. Um, sure.
You sit here, all right? Yeah.
They used to do
this to us in school
so we couldn't cheat.
Yeah.
You know, you're really funny,
Laverne, really. I mean...
And I also respect what
you're doing here for me.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, don't worry.
My partner and I are
going to be in the bushes.
We'll keep our eyes
on you, all right?
Thank you, Norman.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Norman?
Yeah, that's his name.
Norman Martin Hughes.
He's originally from Detroit,
but then he moved to Chicago.
What's his badge number?
91604.
Tommy rot!
It is so 91604.
No, I mean tommy rot
you came here to the park
to get your sweater back.
You came here for Norman.
What do you say that for?
Only for a man would you
do something this stupid.
What?! I've done stupid
things for you, and you're a girl.
I'm talking about
something really lamebrain.
You shh!
Shh yourself.
This is very reminiscent
of Bennie the baseball fan,
who you spent three weeks
memorizing batting
averages over.
Mickey Mantle
batted .365 in 1957.
I'm impressed. Thanks.
Then there was
the coin collector.
He was cute.
Yes, and you ran all over
town looking for Mercury dimes.
Well, they're real
hard to find, Shirl.
Yes. And now there's a cop.
Okay, okay, you guessed.
But you mean to tell me
you've never done
crazy things? Well...
What about the time
you hiked through mud
with Wally the Scoutmaster?
Huh?
Four bottles of calamine lotion.
Miss Poison Sumac.
Okay, okay, I admit it.
I've done crazy things.
Okay, I'm glad you admit it.
Oh, but this is going
one step too far.
I mean, risking life and limb.
Well, you're supposed
to take an interest
in a guy's work.
Do they ever take
an interest in ours?
I'm not even interested in ours.
Laverne, if a guy's going
to be interested in you,
it should be for yourself.
Myself?
Yes.
That's the reason I'd like a
guy to be interested in me.
Not because I'm
willing to sit in the park
and be beaten to a pulp.
Help, police!
Ten-four!
What's the matter?
We're going home.
Why?
Well, I'm tired of
looking for dimes,
and I don't know Mickey
Mantle's batting average,
and I don't look good as pulp.
So we're calling
it a night, huh?
Okay, Laverne.
I understand how you feel.
I don't understand
what you said,
but I understand.
Come on, George.
Let's call headquarters,
tell them it's off for tonight.
GEORGE: Good.
Let's go get a free hot dog.
Aw, come on, Laverne.
You're going to see him again.
On your own terms.
Yeah, I babbled like a fool.
I do too know Mickey
Mantle's batting average.
I know you know Mickey
Mantle's batting average,
but the polite thing to do
is invite him over to the house
and bake a chicken for him.
( anxious whimpering)
( whistling)
It's me coming at me, Shirl.
Oh!
It's a guy in our clothes.
Oh! Alone with the
Milwaukee Masher.
Do you want to run,
or do you want to do something?
All he'd do is take
off your high heels
and catch up with us.
Okay. Then we'll do something.
Right. What...
Get his attention. Okay. How?
Well, he's a purse snatcher.
Show him your purse.
Right. Look... Not now.
Okay.
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
( screeches): Oh!
No. Oh. Oh.
Good evening, ma'am.
Oh, my, my.
Look at all this hard, cold cash
that I happened to
bring... ( screams)
( both women screeching)
Bring him! Bring him!
Bring him over here!
I'll make him wish he'd never...
Could you take a step?!
( whistle blowing)
Hold it right there. Hold it.
Ah, fell right into
our trap, didn't you,
sucker?
Laverne?
Huh? You can get down now.
Uh, can you bend
down a little bit?
Are these your clothes?
Well now, I don't like
to accuse people falsely,
but that does look
like my poodle skirt
and that's my scarf.
Yeah, those are my clothes.
Okay, George, take
him in and book him.
If you want to meet women,
why don't you just
hang out in bars
like the rest of the guys?
Hey, babycakes.
I get plenty of
dates with women.
I love 'em, they love me,
but, uh, a guy's got
to make a living, huh?
Come on, you sicko!
Hey, take it easy!
I'm not used to these heels.
Look, uh, Laverne,
you know, like, I'm not
supposed to ask for dates
while I'm on duty,
but what the heck.
Would you like to go
to the FBI fingerprint lecture
with me next Saturday?
( whispering)
I'm sorry, but I'm not
really interested in that.
Oh... okay.
Don't worry about it.
You'll have another chance.
You can invite him.
( both talking at once)
Would you like to go
to the circus with me?
Yeah, I'd love to go
to the circus with you.
Great!
I can't believe it; it works!
Saturday night, 8:00?
See you then.
Ten-four.
Roger wilco.
Gee, I'm jealous.
I'd like to go to the circus.
Oh, you hated
the circus last year
because the camel
dirtied on your foot.
You pushed me...
Okay, give me a boost.
I'll set the alarm.
Uh-uh, you ain't getting
on my back again.
Here, use a chair.
Once we have this alarm set,
our burglar problems are over.
Yeah, the instruction
booklet says
this thing screams
like a banshee
if anyone comes
through that door.
Okay, there we are.
Shall I switch it on?
Yeah.
Great little investment.
How much did we invest?
( whispering): Oh, $50.
How much, how much?
Thir... What?
$50, $50!
( alarm blaring)
Works pretty good, eh?
Worth every cent.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
LAVERNE: I got the cute one.
SHIRLEY: I know...
( talking over each other)
Wait a minute, here.
Something's wrong.
I know... two people can't fit
through the door
at the same time.
Now ease in, ease in. No!
That's not what I mean.
The door was ajar.
Hmm, which means
that you didn't close it
on the way to work this morning.
I did so close it.
In fact, I double-locked
it from the outside.
I remember, 'cause I was
very sleepy this morning,
and I tried to stick
the rabbit's foot part
in the lock by mistake.
The fact remains
that the door was open
and you were the last one out.
You also left the lights on.
Shirl, I walked
out the door, right?
I tried the rabbit's foot.
No good.
Then I stuck my key in the lock.
It clicked... then I did it
in the upper lock
and it clicked, okay?
( rattling)
( knocking)
Who is it?
Who do you think it is?!
Would you open the door?!
What's the matter with you?!
Laverne... I can't seem
to find my poodle skirt.
Oh. Didn't you, uh,
lend it to Teri Buttafuco?
You know that I do not
lend my poodle skirt out.
What are these
drawers doing open?
( door slams)
Where's my blue angora sweater?
I can't find my plaid scarf
with the matching cap, either.
I can't find my blue car
coat or my lucky sweater.
We've been hit.
Oh, I knew it when
I saw the door.
Okay, we've been
robbed, we've been robbed.
Laverne, Laverne,
suppose the crook
is somewhere in
the apartment still?
Go look.
What, am I crazy here?
Get the bats. Give me mine.
( whispering): Come on.
Okay. All right.
Don't let him know
that we're alone.
Well, thanks for
seeing me home, Bruno.
You want to stay
for some coffee?
I'll get your dog some raw meat.
( in a deep voice):
Thanks, honey, uh, let's see.
Don't touch the
dog... He's a killer.
You know, Bruno, I
don't often let big guys
like you in my bedroom.
Aw, thanks,
honey, I'm flattered.
( screaming)
( shouts)
( screaming)
It's one of your
stuffed animals.
I thought it was a dead person.
Boo-boo kitty! You
found boo-boo kitty.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Huh, boy, all I've got to say
is it's a good thing
he wasn't here.
I would've given
him a part in his hair
he would never have forgotten.
Hello, Pop?
Are you sitting down?
We've been robbed!
( screaming)
LAVERNE: Would you believe
the police station is still busy?
How many people
got robbed tonight?
Make sure you don't
wipe off any fingerprints.
Okay. I read that somewhere.
I know. Dick Tracy's
Crime Stopper's Notebook.
You know, that's how
they captured "Flyface."
I hated Flyface. ( knocking)
Who is it?
FRANK: It's me, your father!
Let me in... let's see
what happened here!
Coming, Pop.
Laverne, Shirley, you all right?
Yeah. Nothing happened?
No. Jump. Let me see your hands.
No, no, no, no,
no, she's perfectly...
Shirley, what happened
to your hands?!
My hands? No, no, nothing
happened to my hands.
These are just gloves.
See, we were not hurt,
Pop. We were robbed.
Well, that's it... you're moving
back with me... you, too.
We've been through
this a hundred times.
I'm not moving back home.
Okay. Then you'll both
move in with Aunt Josephine.
I'm going to pack your
clothes and call her.
That's what I'm going to do.
Gee, I don't even know
your Aunt Josephine.
Do you suppose she'll like me?
I mean... What are you, crazy?
We're not moving anywhere.
He'll calm down.
Okay. Let's rebuild
the barricade.
No, my pop's here.
What else bad could happen?
Hello.
Don't you two ever knock?
Hush, woman, hush.
We heard you was robbed,
so we figured
you'd be hysterical.
Now hush, hush.
I'm not hysterical.
My father's hysterical.
Hello, Aunt Josephine.
Stop chewing a minute!
Laverne was
almost killed tonight!
What do you mean, call
you back in ten minutes?
Listen, you want to help us,
why don't you just go
out and catch the crook?
You mean like detectives?
What about my retainer?
Well, keep your mouth
closed, and no one will notice.
Low blow.
( sighs): Oh, geez.
I'm going to try the cops again.
All right, you're all set now.
Your Aunt Josie don't
want you. Oh, good.
Yeah, so she's going to
send over Uncle Fungie,
and he's going to live here.
Oh, I don't want Uncle
Fungie on my couch.
Hey, hey, hey, he
gave you a savings bond
when you were born.
I don't care.
I don't want him here.
He shaves in the kitchen.
Laverne, I still can't get
the police department.
You want to help, Pop? Yeah.
Why don't you go
down to the police station
and tell the cops, and have them
send someone over here, okay?
Yeah. So what if he
shaves in the kitchen?
What would you rather have:
burglars or a little
hair in the sink?
Burglars. Burglars.
I'd much rather have
burglars. Burglars, yeah.
And one gray poodle skirt
with a black poodle on it.
Oh, also Laverne's lucky sweater
with a big old "L" on the chest.
Big old "L" on the chest.
Got it.
Um, Officer, is there any chance
of our getting our stuff back?
Well, have you girls ever had
your clothing stolen before?
No. Yes.
What yes? Yes.
Eve Silverman. Oh, yeah.
Who's Eve Silverman?
Oh, Evie Silverman
stole Shirley's gym suit
in the seventh grade,
and she had to, um,
miss the trampoline show.
Yes, and I was assured
of honorable mention.
Well, I can't help you
with that, you know,
but this case looks
like it's the work
of the Milwaukee Masher.
Milwaukee Masher? Yeah.
What does he do,
beat up potatoes?
No, no, a masher is a man who...
I know. Ladies.
( talking over each
other) Girls! Girls, please!
Thank you.
See, the Milwaukee
Masher steals girls' clothing,
then he uses them as a disguise
in order to go in the
park and snatch purses.
Well, wouldn't he
make more money
if he took our TV and
Victrola or something?
Well, I got my own
theory about this criminal.
He's a lunatic.
A lunatic is going to use
our clothes in a crime.
That makes my
sweater an accomplice.
I guess it'll get
two to five, huh?
You know, that's a cute one.
You know, I don't get a
chance to meet many victims
with a sense of humor.
Aw, I kind of laugh at life.
Hey, I like to do that, too...
only it's hard
when you're yelling
at some guy, "Spread 'em!"
I've got it. Tess Trueheart.
Whenever Dick Tracy wanted
to catch a purse snatcher,
he just sent Tess Trueheart
to the park as a decoy.
We already thought of that.
You see, we don't have any
policewomen at our precinct,
and we don't get any volunteers.
Well, listen, it was nice
meeting the two of you.
We'll try and find
your clothes for you,
and, uh, we'll be
in touch, all right?
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll volunteer.
What?
Uh, to be Tess
Trueheart in the park.
Great! Thanks a lot.
You come down to
the station tomorrow,
and we'll set it
all up, all right?
Okay. Thanks. Good night.
It's that, um, big building
four blocks down, right?
Yeah, you-you'll recognize it.
They're all dressed like me.
Hey, he was sort
of a nice fellow, huh?
Maybe we can
even get our clothes.
What is that staring?
I don't believe this!
You're going to go out in the
park and entice a deranged man?
You're going to stand
in the line of fire?
Why would you want to do
something crazy like that?
Fun.
Okay, see that little
black spot up there?
Yeah, those are nice fillings.
Yeah, yeah, it's all right...
See, the police gave me
these binoculars and everything.
I don't understand, Laverne.
Why do you want to
go in the park as a decoy
and maybe get yourself
hurt, huh? Why, huh?
Well, I want to get
my clothes back.
You know they took
my lucky sweater?
Climb off it.
Climb off what?
You're always telling
me to be a good citizen,
so I'm being a good citizen.
That's a bunch of bunk.
Hey, are you sure
you're telling us the truth?
LAVERNE: Yeah. Yeah?
Well, how come you got
your fingers crossed?
Just leave me alone.
It's nobody's business
why I'm doing it.
Aha!
I knew it.
I knew there was another reason.
Yeah?
Well, maybe there is,
and maybe there isn't.
There, you see, you see?
But I ain't talking
about it with no girl
with no chocolate milk
mustache... come here.
Aw, Shirl, we talked to her.
It's no good... it's
no good trying her.
Look, uh, I got to get back
to the dance studio
in five minutes.
Is there anything else
you want me to do?
Yes. I want you to
give Laverne a lesson.
She'll need it on
the stakeout tonight.
What am I going to do,
mambo the man to death?
Not a dance
lesson. Self-defense.
I want Carmine to
teach you how to fight.
Wait a second. I
know how to fight.
I know you know how
to fight normal people,
but I want you to
teach her something,
a little trick that she can use
against a sick, crazed
wacko wearing a poodle skirt.
I think I got just the thing.
Really? I got time for one move.
You ready for this
now? Watch this now.
Watch this... Grab me
from behind, Shirley.
Me? Okay. Right. Eyes over here.
Right here? No, the other hand.
The other hand. In
case he uses this.
Oh, there you go. No problem.
Ow, okay. Fins, fins!
Works on either way.
Oh! Did you see that?
I got it. I saw it.
Okay. You got it?
That's a great trick.
Thanks, Carmine.
Got it? Good,
'cause I got to go.
And, uh, hey, look,
maybe, uh, later,
I'll teach you how
to fight two guys.
How do you do that?
Bring a friend.
Well, I got to get going.
Your money or your life!
What are you doing?
I thought you had
this trick down.
I do. Now would
you get off of me?
No, look, grab my arm
like Carmine taught you...
Hey, chicken fight!
( all shouting)
What are you quitting for?
Yeah. I was just starting.
Would you get off of him?
Who? Oh.
What are these get-ups
you're dressed in?
Why are you dressed like this?
This is so we won't
stand out in a crowd.
That's right.
These are our detective suits.
It just so happens
we found out who
stole your clothes.
Really? Who?
( laughing)
It wasn't a who, it was a what.
You just said who.
I said a who... Tell them who...
Ladies, your burglar is a dog.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Uh, fantastic as it
may seem, Laverne,
it's the same dog
that's been tipping
over all the garbage cans
in the neighborhood.
I saw him run off
with a kid's jacket
just this morning.
SHIRLEY: Oh, boy.
And Laverne, he
was eating the lining.
Get out.
What?
Get out. Get out.
Thank you very
much for your help.
And, oh, wait just a second.
I couldn't stand it
when I heard the news.
Watch my lips
as I tell you this.
I think that you
can rule out animals
as suspects.
Never rule out
the obvious, Shirl.
Get 'em out.
Out! Get out!
Why do we let them in our house?
In some crazy way, you know,
I wish they had
caught the crook.
Then you wouldn't be
going out to the park
on this fool's errand.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing to it.
It's easy as pie.
Just put on your
coat, like this,
get your pocketbook,
and you go out in the park
by myself... Without you.
All alone.
To a dark park.
So long.
( door closes)
Look, if I don't come back...
give my clothes to
Louise Lipshitz, huh?
And, uh, you can have
my charm bracelet.
Except for the silver
moo cow I got in Kenosha.
Give the silver moo cow to...
Will you please leave?
Some friend you are.
No! No!
No!
Wait a minute, come
back, come back!
Yeah? What do you want?
Oh, go away! Go away!
Come back. Go away.
We're questioning dogs out here.
She can't leave.
She forgot her binoculars.
I'll have to take them to her.
Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't
tell Lenny and Squiggy
about my poodle skirt.
♪ In the still of the night ♪
♪ I held you... ♪
Come on, sing.
♪ Held you tight ♪
♪ 'Cause I love ♪
♪ Sha-dootin', shooby doo ♪
♪ Love you so ♪
♪ Sha-dootin', shooby doo ♪
♪ Promise I'll never... ♪
( brush rustling)
( screaming)
Relax!
It's only me.
I'm glad you're hiding so close.
Yeah, well, we got to
move back a little farther,
but we'll still be able
to see you, okay?
Oh, move back a little farther?
Here, take the binoculars.
Okay. Hey, listen,
was that you two
girls singing just now?
Yes, it was. Do you like it?
No.
You see, you see,
it's not going to work.
Two girls singing in the park
doesn't make good decoying.
Nobody's going to
attack a musical group.
Oh, we're very sorry.
She made me do it.
Listen, could you
girls sit separately?
It'll look a little better, huh?
Oh, um... Shirley,
you stay there.
Laverne, come on
over here. Um, sure.
You sit here, all right? Yeah.
They used to do
this to us in school
so we couldn't cheat.
Yeah.
You know, you're really funny,
Laverne, really. I mean...
And I also respect what
you're doing here for me.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, don't worry.
My partner and I are
going to be in the bushes.
We'll keep our eyes
on you, all right?
Thank you, Norman.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Norman?
Yeah, that's his name.
Norman Martin Hughes.
He's originally from Detroit,
but then he moved to Chicago.
What's his badge number?
91604.
Tommy rot!
It is so 91604.
No, I mean tommy rot
you came here to the park
to get your sweater back.
You came here for Norman.
What do you say that for?
Only for a man would you
do something this stupid.
What?! I've done stupid
things for you, and you're a girl.
I'm talking about
something really lamebrain.
You shh!
Shh yourself.
This is very reminiscent
of Bennie the baseball fan,
who you spent three weeks
memorizing batting
averages over.
Mickey Mantle
batted .365 in 1957.
I'm impressed. Thanks.
Then there was
the coin collector.
He was cute.
Yes, and you ran all over
town looking for Mercury dimes.
Well, they're real
hard to find, Shirl.
Yes. And now there's a cop.
Okay, okay, you guessed.
But you mean to tell me
you've never done
crazy things? Well...
What about the time
you hiked through mud
with Wally the Scoutmaster?
Huh?
Four bottles of calamine lotion.
Miss Poison Sumac.
Okay, okay, I admit it.
I've done crazy things.
Okay, I'm glad you admit it.
Oh, but this is going
one step too far.
I mean, risking life and limb.
Well, you're supposed
to take an interest
in a guy's work.
Do they ever take
an interest in ours?
I'm not even interested in ours.
Laverne, if a guy's going
to be interested in you,
it should be for yourself.
Myself?
Yes.
That's the reason I'd like a
guy to be interested in me.
Not because I'm
willing to sit in the park
and be beaten to a pulp.
Help, police!
Ten-four!
What's the matter?
We're going home.
Why?
Well, I'm tired of
looking for dimes,
and I don't know Mickey
Mantle's batting average,
and I don't look good as pulp.
So we're calling
it a night, huh?
Okay, Laverne.
I understand how you feel.
I don't understand
what you said,
but I understand.
Come on, George.
Let's call headquarters,
tell them it's off for tonight.
GEORGE: Good.
Let's go get a free hot dog.
Aw, come on, Laverne.
You're going to see him again.
On your own terms.
Yeah, I babbled like a fool.
I do too know Mickey
Mantle's batting average.
I know you know Mickey
Mantle's batting average,
but the polite thing to do
is invite him over to the house
and bake a chicken for him.
( anxious whimpering)
( whistling)
It's me coming at me, Shirl.
Oh!
It's a guy in our clothes.
Oh! Alone with the
Milwaukee Masher.
Do you want to run,
or do you want to do something?
All he'd do is take
off your high heels
and catch up with us.
Okay. Then we'll do something.
Right. What...
Get his attention. Okay. How?
Well, he's a purse snatcher.
Show him your purse.
Right. Look... Not now.
Okay.
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
( screeches): Oh!
No. Oh. Oh.
Good evening, ma'am.
Oh, my, my.
Look at all this hard, cold cash
that I happened to
bring... ( screams)
( both women screeching)
Bring him! Bring him!
Bring him over here!
I'll make him wish he'd never...
Could you take a step?!
( whistle blowing)
Hold it right there. Hold it.
Ah, fell right into
our trap, didn't you,
sucker?
Laverne?
Huh? You can get down now.
Uh, can you bend
down a little bit?
Are these your clothes?
Well now, I don't like
to accuse people falsely,
but that does look
like my poodle skirt
and that's my scarf.
Yeah, those are my clothes.
Okay, George, take
him in and book him.
If you want to meet women,
why don't you just
hang out in bars
like the rest of the guys?
Hey, babycakes.
I get plenty of
dates with women.
I love 'em, they love me,
but, uh, a guy's got
to make a living, huh?
Come on, you sicko!
Hey, take it easy!
I'm not used to these heels.
Look, uh, Laverne,
you know, like, I'm not
supposed to ask for dates
while I'm on duty,
but what the heck.
Would you like to go
to the FBI fingerprint lecture
with me next Saturday?
( whispering)
I'm sorry, but I'm not
really interested in that.
Oh... okay.
Don't worry about it.
You'll have another chance.
You can invite him.
( both talking at once)
Would you like to go
to the circus with me?
Yeah, I'd love to go
to the circus with you.
Great!
I can't believe it; it works!
Saturday night, 8:00?
See you then.
Ten-four.
Roger wilco.
Gee, I'm jealous.
I'd like to go to the circus.
Oh, you hated
the circus last year
because the camel
dirtied on your foot.
You pushed me...
Okay, give me a boost.
I'll set the alarm.
Uh-uh, you ain't getting
on my back again.
Here, use a chair.
Once we have this alarm set,
our burglar problems are over.
Yeah, the instruction
booklet says
this thing screams
like a banshee
if anyone comes
through that door.
Okay, there we are.
Shall I switch it on?
Yeah.
Great little investment.
How much did we invest?
( whispering): Oh, $50.
How much, how much?
Thir... What?
$50, $50!
( alarm blaring)
Works pretty good, eh?
Worth every cent.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪