Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 10 - It's the Water - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any chance ♪

♪ We'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any rule ♪

♪ We'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪



♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪



♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Better get a move on, Laverne!

I don't want to be late.

I mean, all we have to do is
turn up late for these tryouts

and we blow any chance
at all for promotion.

Rise and shine, let's go!

Up and at them, rise and...

Lovely.

Wake up, wake up, come on.

I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

I mean, we have a
chance for promotion,

you lie there like a lump.

I am a lump, and
I'm proud of it.

Get up, get up, creased clothes.

Oh, they love to promote
people with creased clothes.

You're going to
get the job for sure.

Doesn't your balloon ever land?

Come on, there's only
one opening for beer taster

and there's going to be a
whole stampede for that job.

Yeah? Well if you
feel that way about it,

why do you even bother going?

Well, it's time
off from bottling.

I'd rather spend the morning
drinking it than looking at it.

You don't fool me for
an instant, Laverne.

You are dying for that job.

I'm not dying.

I mean, you don't have
to wear that ugly smock,

you get a raise,

and it's considered
an executive's position.

Okay, so I'd love to have
that job, who wouldn't?

But I'm not getting my hopes up.

There isn't much of a chance.

Well, if you take that attitude
about it, there's no chance.

I happen to have a
very good chance.

Why, 'cause you're
wearing your lucky scarf?

Ha, ha, here's where I make
you look the fool, Laverne.

I did research.

I know the four
S's of beer tasting.

Sip, swirl, suck, swallow.

Sip, swirl, suck, swallow.

Hey, you're making me sick here.

SHIRLEY: Sip, swirl, suck,
swallow, sip, swirl, suck, swallow,

sip, swirl, suck, swallow,
sip, swirl, suck, swallow.

Sip, swirl, suck, swallow.

What about the fifth
"S" of beer tasting?

What's that?

Shut up.

Ooh.

( chuckles)

We can take these guys
easy, no problem at all.

This is only the fifth group.

They'll be coming
through here all day.

Yeah, well... Look, we can't
even sit next to each other.

Yes, we can. I'll handle this.

Excuse me, I beg your pardon.

My friend and I would
like to sit together,

would you mind
scooting down one seat?

Would you scoot
down one seat, please?

I can sit here and you...

Can I talk to you for a minute?

I got 'em, Shirl!

You'll like it down there.

( German accent):
I'm Mr. Gessler,

supervisor here
with Quality Control.

Without Quality Control,

Shotz Beer would be just
another bucket of suds.

( chuckles)

Your necessary tools are
your sight, smell, and taste.

Your nose and your
tongue are very close friends.

Ooh, you should see
how close hers are.

Do that thing you do.

Isn't that great?

We don't do that here.

Now... I want all of you

to open your bottles marked "A."

Next, pour your beer
carefully into the glasses.

Do not "glug" it
into your glass!

I didn't mean to glug.

Now, I want all of you to be
on the lookout for skunky flavor.

Ah. Yes.

Let's see you try it.

This is warm.

I'm trying to get a job here.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, if anything should
strike you as peculiar,

jot it down.

( sucking)

The label's torn.

( slurping)

What did you get for "B"?

( slurping) Hiding your paper
like you did in high school?

Ooh, this one
tastes like the can.

Tinny. Tinny taste.

I'll write that. "Tinny taste."

Tinny. Is "tinny" T-I-N-N-I-E?

Shirl, what are you
doing down there?

What? I got to sit on
the floor for a minute.

Get up here.

I'm not feeling
very well, I'm afraid.

You're not looking
too well, either.

This girl is turning green.

No, she's always green.

She's Irish.

What seems to be the trouble?

I think I ought to lie down.

GESSLER: What?!

Uh, she didn't
have her breakfast.

She'll do great after lunch.

Yes, I better go lie down.

I'll go take you...
No, no, no, no, no.

You stay right
here, finish the test.

Are you sure? Yes.

I'm going to go home,
have a piece of white bread.

I'll be fine.

Oh, don't worry, little girl,

everything is going
to turn out all right.

All right, let's go
on with the testing.

Foam is money.

Ta-dah!

Things went real
well after I left, huh?

Things were terrific,
Shirl. I was just great.

I drank every beer in
sight. I outlasted them all.

I told Mr. Gessler
which beer was good,

which beer was Shotz,
which beer was skunky.

I was A-number one.

( closet door closes)

You never even
got sick or dizzy?

I never even got a buzz.

The rest of them...

the rest of them were
dropping like flies.

One guy was even
jotting on his tongue.

I'm just a shoo-in for this job.

Imagine that.

Yeah, Mr. Gessler even
nicknamed me Hollow Leg DeFazio.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Oh, I feel a whole lot better.

Oh, that's good.

I'm real happy for you, Laverne.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

What irony.

God has chosen you
to smite me on the face.

Oh... no, he's not smiting.

Oh, come on, don't
feel bad. Don't say that.

I'm just feeling
sorry for myself.

I messed up those
tryouts so bad.

I feel so terrible about it.

Oh, come on.

Hey, remember when
we were in high school

and you won the spelling bee,

and I got knocked out
on the word "chandelier"?

Well, I knew you were in trouble

when you began with an "S."

( telephone rings)

Sh... Chandelier, chand...

No, no, Laverne, you
see your trouble was,

you never sounded the word out.

I did. Sh... Hello?

Yes? What? I... Really?

Oh, all right. Uh-huh... Hello?

Chan... sh... That
was Mr. Gessler.

When do I start?

You don't. I do.

You? He hi... you?

He hired me. I got the job.

I got the job!

But... how?

Well, he said that
my beer was skunky

and that I had to have an
educated palate to know that,

and that it should
have made me dizzy.

You got my job
because you got dizzy?

You always get dizzy.

You get dizzy at the Laundromat

watching that thing go around.

You get dizzy making a U-turn.

You're a dizzy person.

And the dizzy shall
inherit the earth.

Oh... Oh, it's
just a little joke.

I'm sorry.

No, it's not fair.

I'm sorry, Laverne.

I guess this job meant
a lot to you, too, huh?

No.

I mean, it did for
a minute there,

but I'm all right now.

Really? Yeah.

You're not upset
or anything? No, no.

Because I was terribly upset

when I thought that you got
No, no, I'd rather you get it.

The job and I...
You're my best friend.

Well, that's how I
felt about you. Yeah.

Well. Well.

I'm just going to
go in the bedroom

and pick out an
outfit for tomorrow.

Okay.

I think I'll wear yellow.

That'll be nice. Yellow's good.

Laverne, you aren't upset,

are you? Oh, no. Look...

That makes it perfect.

You're a good sport, Laverne.

Oh, good.

( bedroom door closes)

( wails)

( bowling pins crash)

You cheaters!

I hope your ten
pins get termites!

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you yelling?

This is a restaurant.

You got to make things
pleasant for the customer.

Let go of my arm.

I got two hands.

I'm using them to talk now with.

What happened with the bowling?

Why aren't you in the
bowling tournament?

Oh, we had to forfeit. Shirley
didn't show up. How come?

Oh, she's busy with her new job.

Hey, she's going places.

You better stick to her,
she'll take good care of you.

I'm not hitching my
wagon to a beer taster.

Don't worry about me,
I'll do fine by myself.

You're right.

After all, when I die, all
this is going to belong to you.

Look at that.

They always put
the crust on the floor.

They never put the
crust in the plate.

I don't understand these people.

Mama Laverne's Pizzeria.

It's not bad.

No, it's bad.

Am I late for the tournament?

We forfeited.

Don't tell me, you're
very upset right now.

I'm sorry, Laverne, I've
been so busy at work.

I mean, I meant to get
down to the break room

and tell you I was
going to be late,

but I just had no time to do it.

I'm sorry. We'll
make it up, okay?

Didn't even have
time to eat lunch?

No. I had a bite.

Where'd you eat?

I don't know, someplace.
I don't remember.

The only other place I know of

is the Executive Dining Room.

Yeah, I think that's
what they call it,

but I'm not certain.

You ate in the
Executive Dining Room?

I hear they have hot food there.

Warm. Warm at best.

Believe me, nothing to
be impressed about at all.

Hey, come on, let's
have a nice evening.

We haven't had any time
to spend together, okay?

I mean, be a good
sport about this, okay?

Okay.

Let's not let anything
else spoil this evening.

BOTH: Hello!

How are you doing, ladies?

SQUIGGY: Oh, hello,
Madame Executive.

LENNY: Hey, aren't you

dressed to the teeth, huh?

We're trying to have a private
conversation here, would you mind?

Oh, I get it, I get
it, she don't like

to talk to the common
workers no more. Yeah.

Aw, come on, Lenny, come off it,

I'm sitting here talking
to Laverne, aren't I?

Ooh...! Ooh...!

Low blow! Low blow!

What?

No, no, what I was
trying to explain to Lenny

was that I'm still willing to
talk to anybody, that's all.

Oh, now I'm anybody, huh?

Oh, come on,
Laverne, stop it. Okay...

That's the most stupid
thing. You know...

CARMINE: Hi, girls.

SHIRLEY: Hi,
Carmine. Hi, Angel Fa...

Ooh, excuse me, it still
is Angel Face, isn't it?

I mean, I figured with the
promotion and everything,

it might've been "Saint Face."

( Carmine laughs)

Hey, Laverne, do you
still call her Shirley,

or does she make you
call her Miss Feeney?

Come on, Carmine,
she doesn't have

to call me Miss Feeney...
We're not at the brewery.

LENNY, SQUIGGY
and CARMINE: Ooh...!

You're gonna make me call
you Miss Feeney at the brewery?

Not if there's no other
workers around, I'm not.

Ooh...! Ooh...!

Ooh...! Ooh...!

Oh, come on, Laverne,
don't make that boo-boo face.

You don't mean anything when
you make that boo-boo face.

Come on.

She'll be right back.

It's lonely at the top.

Don't I know it.

She expects me to run after her.

Laverne!

SHIRLEY: Laverne,
listen to yourself talk.

I never heard you talk
like this... you're so jealous.

Me, jealous? Yes.

Jealous of what?

What's there to be jealous of?

Jealous of the fact
that you eat hot lunches

and I have to eat stale
salami out of a machine?

Jealous of that?

Jealous of the
fact that... ( sighs)

you take cabs and I have
to strap-hang on a bus?

Boy, I wanted that job!

Oh, Laverne, I'm so sorry...

And to top it off, the
way you got it, Shirl,

I mean, skunky beer.

I was great.

I drank that beer like a Marine.

It's just not fair,
not fair, not fair!

Boy, I'm glad I got that out.

Tomorrow, after I punch
in, I'm going to quit my job.

You'd do that for me?

Yes, I would, yes.

Only for you, I would do that.

( sighs)

I don't want you to do that.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Nothing. It's my problem.

I just don't want to be jealous.

And I'm not going to be.

How's about I set up a rematch
tomorrow night at the bowling alley?

That would be gr...
No, no, I can't. No.

I have to work late... Mr. Gessler
says it's an emergency.

A beer tasting emergency?

Well, he says that
it's the busy season,

and we're gonna be working

a lot of weekends
and late nights.

I guess we're not gonna be seeing as
much of each other as we used to, huh?

Well, not for a while, anyway.

Thanks for bringing
over the pizza, guys.

Anytime. Listen, we ought
to get going, you know that?

Yeah, that's right, my Uncle
Eliot got a job in the carnival,

and he gave us some free
passes to the Tunnel of Love.

Hey, how about it, Laverne?

You and Shirley in the mood
for a little heavy floating?

( smooching)

Uh, nah.

Shirley's not gonna
be home till late,

and I'm not that hard up.

I mean, uh... I'm not up to it.

Oh, uh, okay.

I get seasick.

In a swan?

Hey, listen, where
is Shirley, anyway?

She with Carmine or what?

No, Carmine's down at the gym.

She had to work
late with Mr. Gessler.

Old Sauerkraut
ain't working tonight.

No, sir. Mm-mm.

Well, he must be; Shirley's
meeting him at the brewery.

Uh-uh. We delivered a
couple of cases up to his office,

and he starts bragging
about some girl

he's got lined up for
tonight. ( chuckles)

Yeah, he just loves to tell the
truck drivers about his hot dates.

He thinks that
makes him one of us.

Gessler's got a hot date?

Yeah, he's gonna take
her up to the tasting room

and have his way with her.

( laughing)

Shirley's going to be
in the tasting room.

Uh, well, it'll be pretty
crowded in there.

( whimpering):
Huh, huh, huh, huh...

What? What? What's the matter?
What's the matter, Laverne?

You okay? You okay? I knew...
I knew something like this...

Want to go to the hospital?
I just knew it. I just knew it.

Guys, um, I need
you to help me. Sure.

Uh, would you go down to
the gym and get Carmine, okay?

Carmine. And tell him to meet me

at the tasting room
of the brewery, okay?

Okay, okay. (
stammering): Just...

Hey, I'll give you a dollar
if you walk on her couch.

It's a deal.

Out.

You was gonna walk on
my couch, weren't you?

You know, I think that last
batch was particularly skunky.

Really?

Hmm, perhaps you should
have some more to make certain.

( laughs): No, I-I'm
getting a little dizzy.

Like you did at the
afternoon interview?

Oh, no, no, no, uh,
not exactly like that,

but I do think I
should lie down.

I'll go to the ladies' lounge...

Oh, well, why don't
we just come over here,

and we'll rest for a while.

Shirley, I am very
pleased with your work.

Did anyone ever tell you,
you have a lovely palate?

And your taste buds, hoo-hoo!

You know, when
I was a little girl,

I used to think that taste buds

were those little flowers
that you held under your chin

to see if you
liked butter or not.

Did you do that in your country?

( laughing)

That's so silly.

Of course, you know your
taste buds are back here.

Mr. Gessler... Call me Wolfgang.

Wolfgang, that's not
where my taste buds are.

Who cares?

Would you please take
your hands off of me?

Hard to get, huh?

That's the way I
love them. ( screams)

( loud knocking)
Please! Halt! Halt!

LAVERNE: Shirl!

Go away!

Laverne! Come in!

I can't... the door's locked!

Will you please leave?

Wolfgang, get hold of yourself!

Mr. Gessler, please!
You can't come in!

This is an executives' room!

( gasps)

Noooo!

( grunting)

I almost... Oh... oh...

How did you get in here?

I'm Peter Pan!

What happened here?

He poured skunky
beer down my throat.

Sit down.

Oh.

The party's over, Gessler.

Pack up your hops and go home.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just fly
back out the window?

There'll be a little something
extra in your pay envelope.

I'll give you something
extra in your envelope.

You... you big bully!

I ought to slap your face.

No one slaps Wolfgang
Gessler in the face and lives!

Now, are you ready to
start something, hmm?

No, I'm not ready now.

SHIRLEY: Hi, Carmine.

Now I'm ready.

Hi, Shirl.

Is that your new
executive position?

No.

Hey, what's going on here?

Uh, Mr. Gessler,

I'd like you to meet
Carmine Ragusa,

the Golden Gloves
champion of Milwaukee.

Nice to meet you.

And, Carmine, this is
Shirley's boss, Mr. Gessler,

who just got her drunk

and was trying to
have his way with her.

You did that?

Oh, that's bad.

That's not nice, you know?

I mean, that's
really, really bad.

Young man, if you are not
out of here in five seconds,

you're fired.

I don't work here!

Oh, well, then, in that
case, you can keep your job.

I'm going home.

Uh, please excuse me.

Besides, I do not like
speaking with people I can't fire.

I'll walk you out.

I beg your pardon,
that won't be necessary.

Yes, it will.

You're gonna need
somebody to pick you up.

What do you mean by that?

I got a strange feeling

you're gonna fall down
a few flights of steps.

Not too many, Carmine.

Come on. It's all over.

( groans)

I thought I was doing so good.

All he wanted to do
was touch my taste buds.

Well, that could
happen to anybody.

Yeah. Thanks for
coming, Laverne.

Ah, it was nothing.

It was better than riding

with Lenny and
Squiggy in a swan.

We ought to warn all the
girls in the brewery about

( shouting):
Mr. Wolfgang Gessler!

Nah, I don't think so.

To get ahead, a lot of girls

might not mind
making Wolfie happy.

Yeah, but not girls like us.

Nah. We'll take the hard
but honest road to the top.

Yeah.

Let's take some
of this beer home.

You think you should do that?

Why not? No one will know.

Come on.

No? All right.

I hope you didn't
grab the skunky beer.

Well, if I did, we'll
use it for company.

Look, Laverne,
look what just came.

Ooh, who are they from?

Aren't they beautiful?

"Dear Shirley, Laverne,

no hard feelings.
Wolfgang Gessler."

Isn't that sweet?

He probably meant no harm.

He wouldn't have sent the
flowers if he meant no harm.

Well, it's just his way of
trying to make up, that's all.

Shirl, you know,

you really worry me sometimes.

How come you trust everybody?

How come you
don't trust anybody?

'Cause it's safer that way.

Look, when you were
busy being an executive,

a guy came to the door.

He was trying to sell me
swampland in Nebraska.

I gave him the bum's rush.

If you were here,

you would've bought 400 acres.

That's not true.

I would have given
him the bum's rush.

Out he would have gone.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

There's hope for you.

( sighs)

What are you doing?

Just doing some exercises.

Well, there's an article
about exercises in here.

Really? Yeah.

What was that?

Nothing.

Uh... "Omaha Swamp Company"?

Well... now, the man
had a very honest face,

and he was wearing
a veteran's pin,

and if you look
here... Shirl...!

A pretty picture... Of a swamp!

And that beautiful... It's not!

( both talking at once)

( theme music plays)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪