Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 13, Episode 7 - Situations Vacant - full transcript

NOISE LIKE A MACHINE GUN
Take cover! What's wrong?

I'm sorry.
It's the training, you know.

These things look just like
the mouth of an enemy pill-box.

You see, I'm used to creeping up on
these things at great personal risk

and lobbing the odd grenade inside.

You scared the life out of me. It's
bad enough when they keep your card.
I wondered what I'd done this time!

Forgive me. I thought I was saving
you from the jaws of death.

It's a good job it's only a cash
dispenser. I've no grenades on me.

Why are you following me? I just
happen to be going the same way.

Funny! You've been going the same
way round the last three corners.

There you are, you see. It's fate.
We were meant to be together.



# That old black magic
has me in its spell... #
Get off!

You're late on parade.
Where have you been?

I've been following Nora Batty.
She probably looks better
from that direction.

She looks great from any direction.
Why were you following her?

Why was I following her? Mm.

Why does anyone follow Nora Batty?
Because she sends
a bloke's senses reeling.

And I like to be near
in case she's attacked by sailors.

Attacked by sailors?

We're 100 miles from the sea.
Tha' can't be too careful.
I'm taking no chances.

The sailors would be
taking the chances!

No, love, I've only been gone a few
minutes. It's perfectly innocent.

I met this male person outside
the newsagent's and we talked a bit.

Who's tha' talking to, Howard?
I'm not talking to anybody.

I'm just rehearsing. For what?
For when I get home.



For Pearl. She's not somebody
you can lie to on a casual basis.

You have to be word perfect.
Best of luck, Howard !

I wonder if it'll work?
It never has so far.
It's none of our business.

..We talked outside the newsagent's.
SMASH !

You've been with her.
And don't "Pearl, love" me !
CRASH

He's not quite cracked it yet.
No. Should do better next time.

Oh-oh.

"Do not throw away.
Open now. Urgent.
Possibly worth a million pounds."

And a gas bill.

I haven't had a letter for ages.

You surprise us (!) We can imagine
how many people write to you.

I get mail. I get mail.

From whom?
That happens to be MY business.

I know you get red letters
from the Gas Board. Timeshare!

Do I want to buy a timeshare in
seaview apartments in Tenerife?

Boring old Tenerife? Haven't they
got anything else on offer?

You want to be buying a timeshare
in some new trousers!

Even if you only got to wear them
on Wednesdays,
it'd give us a treat.

Listen, Petula...

I've got another pair of trousers.

These are just me casuals. They're
quite suitable for everyday wear.

That doesn't mean every day
for thirty years.

Give over!
These fit me like a glove.

That's the trouble.
The next thing you know,
there'll be a finger poking out.

He don't believe
I've got another pair.

Only because
you haven't got another pair.

You had two pairs
when you were in the army.

It's no good waiting for another
war, because you'll be too old.

There must be
other jobs with a uniform.

A job? You want some more trousers.

These trousers are not bad enough
for me to need a job.

Yes...

I think your trousers are
about to start looking for work.

Let's see...situations vacant.

A job? Does tha' think it's proper
at my age? Won't people talk?
Relax! It'll probably never happen.

But is that a chance I should take?
I'll take evasive action.
Stay there!

Tha' thinks tha' knows a bloke.
Tha' thinks tha's got a mate.

All of a sudden, he's finding thee
a job. It's nothing personal.

He's not finding thee a job.
I might do.

Here's something.
"Security personnel required".
That's a job with a uniform.

I could teach you
the rudiments of self-defence.

Two teas, Ivy. Make 'em hot
and strong. For shock.

Have you had an accident?
Very nearly. We nearly became
security men.

YOU two, security men?!

That's what we thought.
What genius dreamed that one up?

Who else but the great long dollop?

He thinks he needs new trousers.
The uniform was the attraction.

If ever there was a need for
security, it's round them trousers.

Get out! All right, all right!
Not security men.

We'll find you some other uniform.
Not for me. I don't need
new trousers.

Neither do I. I don't need a job.
Yes, you do. I'll second that.

They're picking on me, Norman.
I am going to stay unemployed.

You could do odd jobs here, if you
weren't such a bunch of daisies.

Would I get a uniform? NO !

Sorry. Don't think
we don't appreciate the offer.

- Is that anybody's car outside?
- Not anybody's in here!

By heck!

There's a lass
that looks good in a uniform.
What's wrong with him?

He can't resist a uniform.
Excuse him, madam.
His trousers are out of control.

We think they're haunted. Listen,
why don't we go away somewhere

and park illegally?!

You... NO !
I am not being a traffic warden.

No. I second that.
You couldn't trust him with kids.
He'd borrow their pocket money.

I'd be mugging 'em for it.
You're right.
He's not the responsible type.

And I'm not sure
they supply trousers,
just a long, white raincoat.

If the coat was long enough... No!
Perhaps she'd let you try hers
when she comes off duty.

There you are, you see.
You don't even need trousers. No!

Add a scarf
and he'd look like a snowman!

Oh-ho! If that's a polar bear,
I've pedalled further
than I thought.

All right! All right!

NOT school crossing patrol.
I'll find something else.

Just let me think.

Oh, that's good. I like that.
Man with surgical support.

Don't interrupt.

Excuse me, Foggy. Quiet, that man!

I've got an idea. It's just come
to me. I bet it did (!) Like not
standing in the middle of the road.

He's got summat on his mind.
For you, not for me.

What distinguishes the military
mind from the merely civilian?
Being barmy!

Rapid thinking.
The ability to react in an instant.

It's your round. No, it's not!

He reacted to that all right.
Speed of light. Very impressive.

I'm talking about the ability
to learn from every experience.

Even out there on the road.
That motorbike taught me something.

We noticed that. It taught thee
how to jump out the way.

Even when I was taking evasive
action the mind was working.

That motorbike was giving me
an idea.

What idea? Don't ask. If you want
my advice, this is a good
opportunity to get up and leave.

Courier service.
Courier service?!

The modern Pony Express. They're
in all the cities these days.
The only way to beat traffic jams.

Men on motorbikes delivering
all the urgent packages of mail.

We haven't got a motorbike.
Round here we can start
with a push-bike.

I told you we should have left.

POSH VOICE:
Wesley, can I speak to you, please?

Wesley, I'd like to speak to you.

WESLEY, get your backside in here!

What is it? Are we on fire?

If we were on fire,
you'd go up like a rocket.
You're a human petrol pump.

You're deaf. I've been
shouting for half an hour.
I was busy.

Rolling on the floor?

You have to get under cars.
Some people get inside them!

They sit in their best suits
on the seats.

Why do I have to know the only
person who lives underneath?

You can't mend them from the seats.
Get those overalls off.

I'll only mucky another pair.
You won't! Not today.

You'll keep clean, because I have
Mrs Councillor Wainwright coming.

I have no intention of her
seeing you looking as though
you'd been pulled through a drain!

Get 'em off!

What do you think? Don't ask me!
I've never been able
to lie properly.

I look a proper twit.
But not all over.

Only here and there. You can't
expect us to get it 100% right
first time. I look a proper twit!

I think you've impressed Nora.
She was laughing at me.

You know what's wrong, don't you?
He needs a uniform.

He needs a smart uniform.

Hello, Wesley. What's tha' doing
in there? All immaculate!

Hands clean!
I've got to keep clean.
That's unnatural.

If I move out there,
I'll tinker with summat
and that'll be it for clean.

Wesley, we need to ask if you know
where we'd find some old motorbike
racing leathers?

Racing leathers? Who for?

The Pony Express here. Guess
who's the pony (!) Be quiet.

Stand there and stamp your hoof!

You can feed him
a sugar lump, if you like.
It's our new courier service.

It'll be a great asset for
businesses in the area. HIM ?!

Listen, I don't want
any lip from somebody
who's got to keep clean.

Racing leathers? Funny that.
You're the second lot this morning
wanting racing leathers.

Oh, Marina!

Oooh, Howard!

CR-R-RUNCH

Did I hear hammering?

If your father's hammering,
I'll kill him. I told him
to keep clean today.

He wouldn't dare hammer
if YOU told him to keep clean!

He doesn't know
when he's tinkering with something
that he shouldn't be tinkering.

I've the same trouble with mine.

It's just males. It starts when
they're at school.

You never saw
a clean one in the playground.

They were always rolling
on the floor. Mine certainly does.

I blame their hormones.

I understand they're
continually full of hormones
in all their nooks and crannies.

And obviously there's this great
hormone which drags them
down to the floor.

When it comes to cleanliness,
there's very few of them
up to catering standards.

Men are like dogs.
They're never happy unless
they're rolling in something.

Why do dogs roll in things?

To cover their scent.
And it takes some covering...

..when it's some cheap rubbish
called 'Tiger Lily'.

Who wears 'Tiger Lily'?
Don't ask!

It's a bit powerful,
is 'Tiger Lily'.

Why has your husband
got to stay clean?
Occasionally it does him good.

And I want him to look clean when
we complain to the Councillor
about the drains.

They can be tricky, can drains.
Drains can be a nightmare
in catering.

No problem at our house.
All you can smell is 'Tiger Lily'.

Cake, anyone?
Ooh! Ooh, look at these!

My! They're lovely!

Wait !

I thought I heard hammering.
Mother!

You look better already.
What a difference
a uniform can make!

He's right. You do look different.

I'm taking it off
if Nora Batty laughs at me.

No-one will laugh at you.

Right.

Now just think - we can offer
the area's first courier service.

Let's see how long it takes you
to race across town.

Lucky you!

In my opinion, it's going to take
him a while to race across town.

He'll be all right.

CRASH

Yeah, well, it's not all uphill.

He'll be all right going downhill.

Aaagh!

Get out! Go on! Get OUT !

By heck! That's the nearest
I've been to Nora Batty for ages!

I think we're going
to have to get him a motorbike.
Promotion already?

RAP AT THE DOOR
I didn't touch it. I'm clean.

Oh, you lot!

Wesley, we need to borrow
one of your old motorbikes.

Something speedy but good-tempered
for Billy the Kid here.
Watch it, Tonto!

No can do. I'm keeping clean.
Still keeping clean?
A bit unnatural, isn't it?

It's terrible. How long
has tha' got to stay clean?
Just today, I hope.

We're not asking you to do
anything with the motorbike.
She said keep clean.

She said don't tinker with any cars.
Cars? Did she mention motorbikes?

Well, no...she didn't actually say
anything about...motorbikes...

You look smart in your uniform.
I don't feel smart!

You'll see
when Clegg takes a photo.
I don't know how to handle this.

Give it to me!

It's almost entirely automatic.
That's what they said
when I went on honeymoon.

Why do I need a photograph? As soon
as Wesley gets here with the bike,

we take a photograph of you with
the bike for advertising purposes.

Then we circulate it to people.
BIKE APPROACHES

She's a great machine, is this.

It's a bit big. BIG ?
She's a beast, is this.

Of course she's big. You don't want
some piddling little moped.

I should want
"some piddling little moped"!

Right, move it over there.
I want him standing alongside it
while I take a photo.

Have you got it?
I've got it! I've got it!

Where's he gone?

Say cheese!

Gone!

Try to stay on your feet this time.

I've got to keep clean. I told you!
We should have had
a piddling little moped.

Steady! Steady!
I'm supposed to keep clean.

Stop going on about keeping clean.
You're obsessed. She'll kill me.

Keep your head down and hold
on to this. She'll kill me.

You take a tight grip
of them handlebars. Aye, aye, sir.

She'll kill him.

I'll kill him.
He might still be clean.

He won't necessarily
come home covered in oil.

Your father has a gift for that.

DOORBELL

Hello...

Ah... Eh...

Mrs Pagden, courier service.
It's Wesley. He's had an accident.

I'm afraid so. He's under a bus!

He's been electrocuted!
A house has fallen on him?

Ooh...

Are these his ashes?

Oh, Wesley! All that's left.

His celluloid image.

Oh, Wesley! And covered in oil.

It wasn't his fault.
He was attacked by a motorbike.

A good scrub and he'll be fine.

Nobody's perfect.

I thought you'd had an accident.
You daft looking...

Oh, look what you've done to me,
you daft looking...

Right, we'll see you at the cafe.
Bring the bike. Sieg heil !

Hitler's alive and well
and living next-door
to Nora Batty.

THUD

I say, have you got a minute?

Stop messing about. Hurry up!

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