Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 13, Episode 6 - Pole Star - full transcript

Are you ready? I'm ready!

I never like spending
too much time here. You never know
where his ferrets are.

Why do you think
I'm wearing bicycle clips?

How can you live in this place?
It's got the best view in town.

What of? Nora Batty.

Have you got a minute?

I say, are you there?

Have you got a minute?

Has he got a minute!
He's never had anything else.

Are you there?

LOUD RAPPING ON DOOR
I think there's someone
at the door.



There's someone at your door.
Who?

How do WE know?

Well, find out. Go and find out.

Why me? You heard it first.

RAPPING CONTINUES

Aaghhh!

Who is it? It's a clothes prop.

It's Nora Batty.

I think she wants to see him.
What's all the hurry?

Nora Batty's outside.
She wants to see you. Nora Batty ?!

TUMBLING DOWNSTAIRS

What's all the hurry, he says!

Nora Batty askin' for me ?!

Listen, is my hat on straight?



Are you coming?
I'm coming, petal, I'm coming.

Suddenly, it's Speedy Gonzales.
Something else to worry about
up your trouser leg.

Give it here, lass. It's no bother.
I've told thee afore.
Tha only has to ask.

Do it then,
instead of bragging about it.

She's got a wicked tongue
on her. Drives me wild, she does!

Oh, get on with it!

Oh...

Just the chap.

Here!

Ye Gods!
Is she putting me on a lead now?

It's the clothes line.
Just tie it to the post.

Is that the proper knot?

It's a better knot than YOU tied.

Great long twit!

I'm glad somebody
can do something around here.

There's no need to go to pieces.

She thinks I'm useless.
Sounds reasonable to me.

It's only because he's taller.
Exactly! The sneaky swine!

It's unfair competition.
Him lodgin' next door with my bird,
an' walking about tall !

Yes, well...enough of that.

What are we going to do today?

'Very little' sounds attractive.

I'm goin' to sit here and sulk.
What, all day? Probably.

Oh, that's major sulking -
heavy duty sulking.

I daren't face her.
She thinks I'm some little twit
who can't reach her clothes post.

Yes, but you see...that's because
you're some little twit
who can't reach her clothes post.

Height isn't everything.
You could make up for your lack
of it with athletic ability.

Suppose you were to jump nimbly
and gracefully onto the wall,

then you could reach
her clothes post.

I could, Norm.

How are you fixed
for nimbly and gracefully?
You'd better stick to sulking.

Haven't you stopped that bit
of a drip yet?
It's a bit of a squeeze here.

I've never known anybody
more ill-at-ease under a sink!

I suggest you learn
to vault casually on to the wall.

Make it look stylish.
Maximum swank. Vault?

Sounds a bit like 'fault' to me.
Maybe it's a warning.
How do he mean - vault?

You know what I mean.
One hand on the wall
and swing your legs up.

And try to whistle
while you're doing it.
That should be even more effective.

TINNY WHISTLE

Geronimo!

That reminds me. I must get
my bicycle seat adjusted.

Why are you walking funny?

In what way am I walking funny?

Your knees are too close together.

They're supposed to be
fairly close together.

You can't have knees
too far apart. It could alter
your whole personality.

You're walkin' as if you're sore
from summat.

You've been cycling, haven't you?
You've been cycling
out of wedlock!

I don't know what you mean,
walking funny.

That's what I mean,
walking funny!

What's wrong with HIM ?

He's just a bit winded.

Aye, and the wrong bit.

He'll be alright in a minute.
Just a miscalculation with a wall.
How did he "miscalculate" a wall?

Nimbly and gracefully.

He got it wrong, of course.
But it's only his first attempt.
Aye, that feels better, Norm.

You can pack that in!
That kind of thing is not fit
for a catering establishment.

Oh...!

You see what I mean ?!

Wavin' your legs about!
Them trousers are not fit
for wavin' about!

CHOPPING NOISES

What's he doin'? Oh, I expect
it's karate or something.

Maybe he's still searchin'
for Japanese snipers.

Well, you can't be too careful.

It's good to get your breath back.
I can understand that.

I think I've finished
vaulting on walls, Norm.

Not necessarily.

Not necessarily.

I'll say that again, Norman.

I've finished vaulting on walls.

Hand-vaulting, yes, little person.
But what about pole-vaulting?

Me wife ran off
with a chuffin' Pole!

Well, there you are, you see?
Previous experience.

What do I have to learn
pole-vaulting for? Because you're
not very good at hand-vaulting.

That's true.
Made a right bodge of it.

Give me one good reason
why I should take up pole-vaulting.
Because...

You'll be able to pick up
Nora's clothes prop,

and use it to pole-vault
yourself up onto the wall.

She'll be thinking
what elegance,
what grace of movement, what skill.

What a muffin!
It sounds good to me.
I like it. I like it.

Of course. Foggy knows best.
Now, just balance the pole.
Get the feel of it.

Not bad. You could be a natural.

I could be a natural, Norm.
You could be an idiot.
Try one or two easy little vaults.

Nothing tricky for starters.
I wouldn't even try
tricky for finishes.

What do I do?
You hold the pole comfortably.

You run with it,
then you stick it in the ground
and you...vault.

How do I hold it? Like this.
Yes. Don't you think he looks good?
You're power mad, Foggy!

Well, you can't fight your destiny.

Right, in your own time.
Let pole-vaulting begin.
Geronimo!

What grace.

What elegance.

It's a perfect place.

There's plenty of room,
and soft straw to land on.
Looks alright, Norm. Can't be bad.

I must admit
it seems relatively hazard-free.
Of course it is!

Here! Get the feel of the pole.
Find the point of balance.

Then swing it about
until it feels like part of you.

You think things are hazard free.
Steady on.
You could have injured someone.

NOW he's worried. He never worries
when I'M getting injured.

Of course we worry.

Don't we? Of course we worry.

Right! That's your target.
There's your landing ground.
It's better than six mattresses.

I suggest you start your run
from over here.

And try not to get the pole
between your legs this time.

Now, what is the aim
of this exercise? Em...

Yes, well, the aim of the exercise
is to do a nifty jump as high as
you can go, and land on the straw.

And the best of luck.
Nothing to it, Norm.
It'll be softer than grass.

I don't like it. What?
I don't know. I just don't like it.

Good heavens, man,
I've checked everything.

I've got him holding the pole
better, he's got something soft
to land on...

I've done everything
for his safety. Right!

Begin!

Phew!

No, no, no.
Let's get a bit more effort in it.
A bit more height in it.

I need a longer run.
Very well, take a longer run.

Don't forget to write (!)

How long a run does he want?

I think I can hear him coming.

They've already brought him in
once this morning.
Hardly able to walk, he was.

It'll be one of them
new health fads.

- He didn't look so damn healthy.
- They're all at it, keepin' fit.

No good comes at their age
from keepin' fit.
Well, it won't last.

I should think he's had enough
of it already.

Come on then. Over here.

Come on. Sit yourself down.

Aagh! What's up with him now?
Is that Nora Batty?

Tell me it's Nora Batty,

otherwise I've got wrinkles
in front of me eyes.

Ohhh!

Oh, Howard!
Oh, Marina!

I think we've really cracked it
this time. The perfect disguise.

Ooh, Howard!
You're not just small and sexy,
but you're diabolically clever.

I wouldn't say diabolically.

This is what I call
a perfect English scene.

What a place to leave a pole!

I'm finished!

You WILL be finished
if you break that crockery!

I've had enough.
Pole-vaulting is out!
Done! Finished!

I think he's trying to tell you
that he's finished.

You can't finish now.
Tha's nearly killed me twice.
Rubbish! A few bruises.

A few? If I were naked,
I'd look like a black pudding
in wellies.

My word.
What a terrible thought.

I WAS going to have a sausage roll,
but I don't think I'll bother now.

Well, I'm disappointed in you.
If Nora Batty's not worth
a few bruises...

But it's not getting me
any nearer to Nora Batty, is it?

Of course it is.
That's where it's heading.
You've cracked the worst bit.

Your bruises are behind you.

Behind you, in front of you,
all around you.

You're getting the hang of it now.

You should have seen yourself
at the farm. You were magnificent!
Ask Clegg.

Was I magnificent, Norm?
In flight, you were magnificent.

The landing was a bit yuk.

That could happen to anybody.
Why does it always happen to me ?!

Because you are going to impress
Nora Batty. Listen...

I'm not one to give advice
to black puddings, but are you sure
you want to continue with this?

Are you lot still here? Aaagh!

There we are.

I mean, what a thing to bring into
a catering establishment.
A damn great pole!

I thought they were Ukranian
round here?

Not that kind of Pole.
No.

A great, long, wooden thing.

Foggy Dewhurst.
He brought it in.

What did they want with a pole
in a cafe?
You tell ME.

It's no good looking for sense.
Mine's gone fishing.

North Pole, I think, judging by
the clothes he was wearing.

Maybe that's what it was.
Maybe it was a fishing pole.

It certainly had three right maggots
on the end of it.

They pick up such weird things.
Mine certainly does.

You hear about women goin' through
their husband's pockets.

All I ever found was fuse wire
and a set of feeler gauges.

My Wally used to carry
little titbits
for his favourite pigeons.

My Syd always had
a couple of toffees...
all covered in tobacco and fluff.

Always two toffees,
covered in tobacco and fluff.

Barry's orderly with pockets.
It could be a bluff.

He never overloads his pockets.
He doesn't care
for unsightly bulges.

Will you be quiet, girl !
You weren't brought up
to discuss unsightly bulges.

Someone's going to be very stiff
in the morning.

Why should we be stiff?
Not us. Him.

Oh, him!

Well, he's bound to be stiff
if he keeps running into walls
and falling on things.

I was never really adept at sports.
Even at school.

I always felt that I should've run
the three-legged race solo.

He was pretty nimble at school,
wasn't he?

Especially with his mouth.

You daren't ever let him hear
the rustle of a bag of sweets.
He nearly ate Shirley Cawthorne.

Every playtime.
It was embarrassing.

Who did you have a crush on
at school, Foggy?

The girls' gym mistress.

I loved her from afar.
It never came to anything.

Didn't she marry
that little Welshman?
Yes. I could never understand it.

Well, maybe he came in handy
for practice when she hadn't got
a ball. Passing the Welshman?

Not my idea of a good workout.
Never became really popular.
Maybe they don't bounce too well.

Although to listen to them,
you'd never think so.
I think I've got it this time.

Ger-onimo!

If you do it correctly next time,
I think you'll be ready
for the big one. Wow! The big one!

I think he's ready.

He thinks you're ready.
I'm ready, I'm ready.

It's higher. It's a higher wall.

You're very shrewd
for a black pudding. It's higher
than the one I practised on.

Yes, if you want to get meticulous.
Just a little. So what?

You just have to give
a bigger jump, that's all.

Why can't I impress Nora Batty
on a little wall? Shrewd. Shrewd.

Because THIS is the wall
she lives near.

You want her to see you.
Life's just awkward.
It sure is, Norm. Look out.

She's not alone.

So what? This is your chance
to impress ALL the ladies.

Aye, I've always been wicked
with the ladies, Norm.
You can't resist them, can you?

You can't break
the habits of a lifetime, Norm.

# Oh, put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls... #

- Whatever's he got there?
- It's that damn pole.
- Often need a stick at that age.

A stick ?! This is my pole !
What do you need a pole for?

What do I need a pole for?
Tha ravishing creature...
To help thee with the clothes line.

Stand back, ladies,
and hang on to your hats.
It's going to be a thrill a minute.

Right, let's be havin' you.
You too, come on.

Howard!

I was just passing
when this falling person here

knocked me into the arms
of this other fisherman.

Subtitles by Wilma Campbell
BBC 1991