Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 13, Episode 5 - Passing the Earring - full transcript

Howard finds one of Marina's earrings caught in his jumper and is desperate to get it out of the house before Pearl sees it. Norman, Compo, Foggy and Smiler try to help.

Just up?
What time d'you call this?

My lodger's been out and about
for ages.

Oh... Tha's a vision of
loveliness! I wish I could paint.

So do I.
AND I wish you could polish
and clean your windows, too.

Nora, life's not all work.

Tha should've had me for a lodger.

I'd have taught thee how to relax.

Relax? With YOU about?!

Tha wants to throw that brush away.

Slip into something loose and come
round here and feed me grapes.


The way you eat, you'd keep a body
going full-time with oranges!

What is it, Howard? Not so loud.

Oh, it's one of them, is it?

I'll not get involved between you
and Marina. (Keep your voice down!)

I just thought you might do a little
favour for a friend and neighbour.

You can forget it. I'm not going
near Marina. She terrifies me.

How d'you mean? Oh, I dunno.

It's just that when she looks
at me, I feel like I'm a bone
and she's a long-haired retriever.

I don't know why you feel that.

It's PEARL who's terrifying. Another
reason for not getting involved!

But I just want you to...
hide this earring.

I daren't get caught with this.
I'm definitely not getting involved
if you've begun wearing earrings!

It's not MY earring!

It's you-know-who's earring.

I don't know HOW it got entangled
in me lambswool sweater.

Just imagine my surprise
when there it was!

What have you got there?

Cleggy was just showing me
his earring, my love.

Norman Clegg was just showing YOU
his earring(?)

I think I hear my kettle boiling.

Sylvester Stallone wears an earring.

With diamantes(?)

SHOUTS: I'll be with you
in a minute!

'Morning. 'Morning.

She'll be with us in a minute.

Yes? Knows we're here, does she?

Oh, yes. She's busy in the kitchen.


If you'll take an old soldier's
advice, that's not
the way to do it. Do what? Waiting.

Looking at your watch. Speed
of life. You know. Stress. Tension.

No, no, no. You have to adopt the
correct, relaxed, mental attitude.

I learnt it out East, you know.

Together with several lethal
physical practices the Official
Secrets Act forbids me to reveal.

Also a method of healing wounds
with spiders' webs.

I picked it up from the natives.

Once I'd won their confidence,
they taught me their secrets.

A privilege accorded to few white
men. I had a tribal name, you know.

They used to call me...

"He Who Walks With Danger".

Not wearing your earring(?)

Now she thinks
I wear a damned earring!

Sylvester Stallone does. And HE
got mugged by a big Swedish bird!

He Who Walks With Danger(!)

Yeah, well, I've done my bit.

I've got it this far. Now somebody
else has got to get it to Marina.

It's only an earring. No problem.

It's not the earring
that's the problem - it's Marina!
Give it here. I'll get it to her.

YOU can't be trusted with ladies!

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Is that an earring? Yes, well...
I admit it does LOOK a bit
like an earring.

It looked like an earring to me.
This is the age of the microchip.

No, what you saw there was a...

a miniaturised...
computer model of a...

Of a what? ..Tell her.

You started it. YOU tell her!

A miniaturised computer model of a
what? A magnetic watch... A compass.

A compass that can tell the time.

I bet Howard could find his way
around with it, anyway!

Now you've done that, you can
tidy up under that sink. It looks
like a builders' merchant's!

And put some paper down.
I don't want any stains on t'floor.


it looked like an earring!

What would HE be doing
with an earring?
Imagine ME with an earring!

It's for you. For ME?

Why me? Who's gonna ring me?
Nobody ever rings me.

It's Howard. For you. What does he
want? He may want his earring back.

You'd better go and find out.

Howard, I...

Cleggy. You've got to help me.

I've found the other earring.
It was tangled up in me...
Well, never mind where it was.

I've found the other earring.

You've got to help me
smuggle it out. Pearl's got radar.

She'll know I'm hiding it. She'll
home in on it like a guided missile!

I've got to go. Come and help me.

I don't know why you're panicking.
It's quite simple.
Life's NEVER simple.

I found that with me first
train set. If tha thinks trains're
tricky, tha should've tried girls!

Pay attention when I'm planning.

We just knock on the door and...
make some excuse to see Howard.

Then, while we're talking,
he slips the earring to us.

Pearl's already suspicious. She'll
be watching. And when Pearl watches
every move, she really watches!

Oh, nonsense! The combined efforts
of four of us ought to be able
to manage the job.

It's good to tell HE'S never
been married! It is. It's a problem
talking sense to an old spinster!

What if Pearl answers the door?

No problem.

Ah! Good morning, madam.

Could we have a word with your
husband, on this pleasant day? Why?

..Em, we w...won't take a moment.
Well, what's it about?
What d'you want to see him ABOUT?

Em, Clegg wanted a word with him.

Oh... Well, it can wait.
It's not urgent.

No, we'll...come back later.

Well... Obviously, Pearl
is suspicious about something.

I told you! It's you.

It must've been when you let her
see the first earring. I didn't let
her. I wasn't quick enough for her!

It's too late. She's suspicious
of all of us. It's quite simple.

If she's suspicious of us, all
we have to do is find someone else.

Someone who can walk to the door
and ask for Howard,
without arousing her suspicions.


What's tha doing down there?

Oh. I...

I'm waiting for Nora to go out.

Then I can use me key and pop back
in and get me feet up for 5 minutes.

Why not just go in and sit down?

He's got no idea, has he?

It's not as easy as all that.

She doesn't like me
being under her feet all day.

She sent me to look for a job.
Have you found a job? What do I
want a job for? I've retired!

Why the hell do I need a job at MY
age?! We've got a little job for you.

All tha's got to do
is to walk up to Howard's door.

You walk up to the door and ask
Pearl if you can speak to Howard.

Pearl's a bit fierce, ain't she?

She's got no reason for suspecting.
They don't need much of a reason.

You can tell HE'S been married.
Why should the woman suspect you?

Just give Howard the chance to slip
you the earring. I don't like it.

After living with Nora Batty,
this should be a piece of cake.
Fancy living with Nora Batty!

Tha must've been born lucky!


Could I have a word with Harold?
How about Howard(?)

That's it. Yes.
You want a word with him, too(?)
Yes, please.

What's going on today?

You're up to something. All of you.

What d'you want to see him for?

Well, to be honest...

I forget.

It's all right.
I'll...catch him later.

I tried. What a great, long dollop
Nora's got for a lodger!

Tha's no good with women, Smiler.

Oh, listen to who's talking!

No, I never did get the hang of them.

Join the club!

I'll have to go. See if I can get
in the house. Why not use the key?

Walk in, say, "Make us a cuppa,
I'm going to put me feet up."
She'd kill me! 'Course she would!

But it's worth a try.

Right. Back to business.

It's obvious we're getting nowhere,
trying to approach Pearl directly.

We shall have to use a bit of
stealth. It's getting tricky.

I KNEW it was going to get tricky.

An earring?

Of course, they denied it.
Pretended it wasn't.

You see men wearing earrings.
They don't wear ones like THAT!

Pirates used to wear earrings.
Not like that one!

There was danger enough
on the Spanish main.

Which one of those three
has started wearing an earring?

Not Norman Clegg.

I can't believe it of Norman Clegg.

He's always been so...

I was thinking more dull and boring.

Yes. Give credit where it's due.

I can't see Foggy Dewhurst
going in for dress jewellery.
He collects cap badges.

It's got to be the scruffy one.

I wouldn't put anything past him.

Mind you, if he's started smartening
himself up a bit... You've got to
applaud it, whatever it is.

That's true.

Can I have some more, Norm?

I'll get it.


Steady on, Foggy!

You see, what we'll do is we'll go
upstairs, open the bedroom window

and tap on Howard's bedroom window
with this.

When he opens it, we'll talk to him.
See, if you think a little... Yes.

Think a lot. It's thinking a little
that gets us into all this trouble.

Argh! Mind where you stick that!

Stop complaining. Get upstairs!

Get off!

Having much luck?

I was just demonstrating the
rudiments of fly-casting to Clegg.

We're thinking of doing a bit of
fishing. From bedroom windows(?)

No, no, no! Watch it!

You great pillock!

Look at my new vase!


Hello. ..Yes, he's here.
Who wants him?

Oh, the insurance company.

It's for you.
It's the insurance company.

From next door.

The one that fishes
from bedroom windows.


Just stay on the phone. Keep on
saying yes and no, as though
you're talking to somebody.

Yes, I know Pearl suspects it's us,

but if we appear at the front door
and you're still talking, she'll
have to think again. The plan is...

Oh, the plan(!) Ah, the plan(!)

We'll come to the door. We'll call
Pearl out to look at loose tiles.

While she's looking up at the roof,
sneak your hand through the door

and drop the earring
into Clegg's hand.

Nothing to it. It's a question of
timing. I don't like it! Hold on.

What's wrong with it? It's just
that Pearl will find something.

Hang on. Hang on. Has Pearl GOT
any loose slates on her roof?

I don't know! Don't bother me
with little niggly details!

We're coming round. KEEP talking.


Well, I think, I'm fully covered.

You're not fooling me
it's an insurance company!
Your cronies are up to summat.

I don't know what you mean.

It's just a simple business call.
..Yes, I'm still here.

Business call(!) You must think
I was born last Wednesday!

I wonder... Have you seen
your roof? Roof?

It's that thing
on top of the bedroom ceiling(!)

I know where it is!

What's wrong with the roof?
We were passing and we noticed...

I wonder, have you slates loose?

I can't see any slates loose.

The only people with any slates
loose here are standing next to me.

No, they look loose to us.
Clegg remarked on it. Didn't he?

..Aye. Rubbish!

Where are you going?

Stop fidgeting! You can't be
too careful under loose slates.

See that one up there? That little
dinky one? It's definitely loose.
Oh, aye. It'll be down any minute.

From where I'm standing,
they're loose. They're not loose!
We've had everything checked!

# Howard! #


Poor old Howard.

Tha made a right boghole of
helping Howard. It's not my fault.

We tried. The main thing in life
is to try. The main thing in life
is to keep out of the way!

That's not the way of the Samurai.
You just get in everybody's way.
What'll Marina do with one earring?

Same as she did when she wore two.
Chase after men.

There's somebody who needs help.
Clearly. We've helped enough.

You can't let one little setback
put you off.
It's no little setback to Howard,

now he's been caught red-earringed.

What's up, Smiler? Won't she let
thee in? Oh, it's all right.
I like it out here. ..Oh...

Come on.

You don't have to bother.
She lets me in at tea-time.

It's our masculine duty. You can't
allow yourself to be shoved about
by these ladies.

Lacks experience. And it shows!

Right. Up you go. Me?

I'm not very good on ladders.

Oh... Oh...

Oh... Oh... Oh, me blood pressure!

I can feel me blood pressure rising.

Oh... Oh...!

You think he looks a sorry enough
figure on the ground, but once you
see him up a ladder... Come down.

Oh, I've seen nothing like it.

Right, that man. You, go up.
Open the door for him.

How come I volunteered?
'Cos you're braver than me.
Mind you, everybody IS!

Jump to it! Come on! Buck up!


Quick! She's coming!


I never heard such a damned excuse
in all me life!

Don't tell me you've come to see
if Smiler's coming out to play!

"You nearly gave me a heart attack"
she said.

So, naturally, I took that
to mean that I was the one
that set her heart racing.

Gives you a nice, warm feeling.

Shows I'm getting through to her.
She only hit you with a brush.

Just love taps!

It's a nice, close relationship.

Yes. Definitely getting through.
When she gets a shorter handled
brush, you'll be even closer.

So embarrassing! A bloke of my age
having to buy his wife earrings!


Subtitles by BBC Scotland, 1991

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