Last of the Summer Wine (1973–2010): Season 13, Episode 3 - Was That Nora Batty Singing? - full transcript

Compo thinks that he hears Nora Batty happily singing so he obsessively spies on her imagining that she is having a romance with her lodger, Smiler.

'Ey up, Smiler! Ohh...!
Has she got thee outdoors already?

She's had me out here an hour!
"Don't be under me feet," she says.
"Go and enjoy some nice fresh air."

Well, tha certainly looks as though
tha's really enjoying it (!)

All I want from life is to sit
indoors and watch a bit of telly.

Come on! Let's start counting
a few blessings.

One - she's a good cook.
Aye, she is.

Two - she is totally desirable.

She's a good cook.

Don't you ever look at her
and think, "Here I am alone
with this attractive woman"?

No, never! It's more like "Here I am
alone with this terrifying..."

Can't you find something to do!?



I'm off for some fresh air!

What are YOU doing?

Well, it's a sort of pilgrimage.

Some people go to Elvis Presley's
house. I go to Nora Batty's steps.

You dozy beggar! Get away!
You make the place look untidy.

I'm going, I'm going.
But I think I ought to warn you.
Warn me...? About what...?

It's only fair you be warned.

I'll just say this - tha should be
very careful of a certain person.

Who!?

Me!

Invite me out!

I beg your pardon!?
Ask me to go for a walk.

Howard, we are friends, but...

Make it sound natural.



It DOESN'T sound natural to me!

Knock on the door and tell Pearl
you're ready. For what!?

For a walk! I'm not going for a walk
with Pearl! I'd rather go with you!

You're GOING with me! Tell her
you've come to call for me.

Oh...!

No, he's not going for a walk!

And tell him to shut that window
and get on with his housework!

Ahem... Have you anything
on silent killing?

If we HAVE, you'll find it
under Sports and Pastimes.

How about unarmed combat
for the over-60s?

All I could find for the over-60s
is old-time dancing.

You can hardly
Veleta a mugger to death, can you?

Haven't you anything
on strangulation?

It isn't as though
I haven't been trained.

But maybe it's been updated.

Probably done by remote control now.
W-we have nothing of that nature...

Typical ! Shelves full
of doctor and nurse romances!

Just hard luck if you're interested
in strangulation!

Ah, well. I'll have to stick
to the old techniques. HAI-EEE !

It was a perfectly routine request!

It's ridiculous to suggest I was
making a noise in the library!

I was asking for books
on silent killing!

Does that sound like someone
who'd make a noise in a library!?
Silent killing!? You ARE weird!

Weird!? I'll have you know
that was my profession!

I thought you had a duty
to keep material for the benefit
of the home hobbyist!

^
SMASHING PLATES

PEARL:
Don't give me that old rubbish!

I'm sick of your lies!
But...

One of those days, Howard?
It's the only kind I get.

I don't know why,
but she never believes a word I say.

Even when I'm lying. And I'm
pretty convincing when I'm lying.

No, you're not!

See what I mean? How did YOU go on
with lying when you were married?

Well, I always found it easier
to tell the truth.

That's a nice thing to say!
You ask a friend for advice
and he tells you stuff like that!

Advice like that could kill you!

Mind you, I didn't have a problem
like Marina.

We had the Second World War,
but that was over in a few years.

Is something wrong with the tea?
No, it's fine.

You don't LOOK as if it's fine!

It's a good cup of tea.

That man, what are you doing!?
Sshhh!

What's he doing!? He's listening
at the door. I can see that!

But what's he listening FOR ?
I think it's disgusting,
listening at people's doors!

Maybe there's something interesting
going on. That's no excuse. SHUSH !

What is it? I can't hear anything.

What are we listening for?
Be quiet! I think she's singing.

Nora Batty singing!?
I could have sworn I heard her.

Ye gods! That's the most
sinister thing I've ever heard!

Do we have to?
Yes! It won't hurt you
once every 10 years.

What won't hurt him?

Taking me shopping to Huddersfield.

Ten years?
It seems like five!

Two teas, please.
They don't like shopping.
They don't like ANYTHING normal.

Why do we have to go by bus?

Because if we go by car
we'll get halfway there and you'll
start tinkering with the engine!

Well, I am not taking you
round Huddersfield covered in oil !

What kind of example is that to make
..when you're using a CREDIT CARD ?

If I promise not to tinker,
can we go by car?
No! You can't resist it.

What's up with him?
I don't know if there's anything.
I think he's ALWAYS like that.

I've had three customers
turn round and go out!

Take one look at a face like that,
gives you no confidence
in the catering standards.

Well, I didn't hear her singing.
Me neither, and I'm glad about that.

It's flying in the face of Nature,
Nora Batty singing.

Well, I think I heard her singing.
It's unlikely. WHY would she sing?

Why would she sing? Because she's
HAPPY because she's got a lodger!

That's absurd! I've never known her
to be happy! Have you? Never.

She's in love.
Yeah, with polished surfaces
and clean steps.

With Smiler. With Smiler!?

Old happy-go-lucky Smiler (?)

Why not? Because she chucks him out
every morning at the crack of dawn!

She bullies him rotten.
That could be just bluff.

'Morning, ladies. 'Morning, Eli.
'Morning, Eli. 'Morning, Eli.

Nobody in their right minds
would fall in love with Smiler.

It would take someone who was
very fond of depressed bloodhounds.

What do you think, Norm? He's right.

Smiler drove his wife so potty
she went to Australia.

..I wish I could be sure.

I promise, it really was Australia.

CRASH !

HELP ! There's something inside
these railings grabbing me leg!

90p.

'Ey up! Is this Wesley in a soo-it?
It's a day for surprises.

He wears it like a civilian.
He IS a civilian! And it shows.

Looks like someone died. The suit!

Wesley! We can't stand here
gossiping!

Where's tha going, Wesley?
To Huddersfield - shopping!

I'm sorry to hear that, Wesley.
If there's anything we can do
to help...

Time is a great healer.

Are you coming!?

OH !! THREE TEAS, PLEASE, IVY !

Does he LOOK happy?

If his ears were a bit longer
he'd look like a basset hound.

A sort of Down-in-the-Mush Puppy.

I still say it could be a bluff.
Why should it be a bluff!?

It could be a mask he and Nora
are hiding their happiness behind.

Oh...!

Here. How long has he been here?

Forever.

He comes in when Nora throws him out.
I wouldn't mind if he were cheerful,
but he puts me customers off.

You see? I still say it could be
a bluff. Aw...! Aw...!

Ivy, pardon me for asking,

but could a woman of your age
fall in love?

Don't think I don't appreciate
the offer, but no thanks!

I'm speaking generally.
Oh, speaking generally?

Fall in love? I don't think so.

It would require more confidence
in the male than we have left!

How can anyone call Smiler happy!?
It's a terrible thing to say
about ANYBODY !

You'd feel such a fool if
everybody thought you were happy.

He's the last person in the world
to accuse of being happy.
It could be a disguise!

Then he's been wearing it forever.

The bottom dropped out of my world
when I heard Nora Batty singing.

It doesn't mean she's entangled
romantically with her lodger.
Then why was she singing!?

There could be a number of reasons.

She could be in love with a number
of people. Stop upsetting him!

I've got to be sure!
Why don't you take my word for it?
Have I ever put you wrong?

All the time!

I don't know how you can say that!
I don't know how you could think
that I would ever lead you wrong.

MARTIAL MUSIC

You're in the hands
of former Corporal Dewhurst,

with all that means
in terms of security... PEEP !!

There's only one way to settle
this - ask him point-blank. We...

Oh...

Oh, you again!

Have you seen Smiler? I've seen
too damn much of him! Where is he?

I don't care where he is!

I do! I care very much where he is!

That man, come here...!

What do YOU want!? Don't speak to me
in that seductive voice!

I know what tha's up to!

Just tell him to come outside!
Tell who!? Don't give me that!

After all we've been to each other!
WHO'S been to each other!?

Tell him I want a word with him!
Tell who!?
Thy lodger, the great long dollop!

He's not in here. You don't think
he has privileges I wouldn't extend
to me husband when he was alive?

Are you sure? You wouldn't lie
to me? Of course I'm sure.
Are you deaf or what?

# Oh, today I feel so happy,
So happy, so happy... #

She could be lying...!

You could be lying... OH !

There we are. And likewise.

You must admit
Nora Batty didn't look
as if she was in a singing mood.

Queen Boadicea,
that's who Nora reminds me of.

I can see her scattering Romans
with her wrinkled chariot.

So your problems are over.
She's obviously just as miserable
as she always was.

Tha's not just saying that? No, no.

How much more miserable
can a woman get?

Nora has spent a lifetime
extending the boundaries
of lack of playfulness.

I admit
she looked pretty miserable.

Very attractive but...
pretty miserable.

There you are. Smiler's miserable,
she's miserable. Everybody's happy.

But they're not together, are they?

They're miserable
when they're apart, but what's
it like when they're TOGETHER ?

I'll have it out with him to his
face! You can't reach his face!

Look him straight in the navel.

I will, right in the belly-button.

You don't even know where he is.

In the library. If he's not in
the cafe, he'll be in the library.

Do we have to go to the library?
I don't find them very helpful.

You've been thrown out again!

It was a misunderstanding.
He has! He's been thrown out again!

Did you ask for the Boys' Book
of Bayonet Practice again?

They don't cater
for the warrior classes!

Hiya, lads!

Bit of oil on the suit.
Feels better already.

I thought you went to Huddersfield.
The bus broke down.
Look at the state of his suit!

It was a right engine, was that.
It wasn't working, though!
Engines have their off days, too.

Don't tell me about off days!

Aw...!

What time is it? Twenty to two.
Ye gods, is that all it is!?

Keep that civilian in uniform away
from me. I've no wish to harm him.

What's up with him?
I think he's in love.

Well, he needn't look at me!

He's not in love with you.
That's a relief! For me, too.

So why's he looking at me like that?
He wants to ask you something.

What? What!?

I've got to know, Smiler.

What!? WHAT !?

Ask him and let's get out of here
before I injure somebody!

Is tha carrying on with Nora Batty?

WHAT !!?

Who said that!? It's a lie,
a nightmare! How could you...!?

These hands are lethal weapons!

His gob's pretty deadly an' all.

Thrown out of a library!

I've told you before! I never opened
my mouth! Well, SOMEBODY did!

Go on, blame ME for it!

POIGNANT MUSIC

It's not just a library.

It's a little hideaway for me,
a little place of refuge and warmth.

And now you've ruined it for me.

He didn't really answer, did he?
He didn't say they WEREN'T
having an affair.

Forget it! He's obviously in fear
and trembling of Nora Batty!
Which sounds reasonable to me.

That's what I've got to do -
catch them together!

Oh, give over! Norman, supposing
they ARE happy together!?

Happy together, Smiler and Nora!?
Huh! The worst they can be
is miserable together.

See!? They have so much in common!

I can't do with this! My bird
going out with other blokes!
It's probably quite harmless.

He doesn't look like he's enjoying
it. He always looks the same!

But that's not the expression
of a lover. What do you say, Clegg?

Don't ask me. I was never a lover.
I got married instead.

Well, we can't follow them
on the bus. They'll see us.
We must! I've got to KNOW !

Oh, all right, we'll head them off.

There's a bus coming!
It's only a bus.

But someone on it may see us
and tell Pearl !

Oh, Marina...!
Oh, Howard...

Howard and Marina's. Well, they
won't need them for a while.

She's going into church. They're
getting married! They are not!

I bet they are!

It's the wrong time of day for it.
Maybe there's a reduction.
She's a great one for reductions.

I'll go and see. Oh, I daren't go.
With a record like you've got,
I'm not surprised.

What will I tell Pearl ?
Just tell her
your bike's been stolen.

She'll want to know where I was
when it was stolen.
Tell her you were in the park!

Couldn't I tell her I lost it
outside Woolworth's?

It sounds less intimate than a park.
She's bound to think I was
up to something in the park.

Well, she'll be wrong, won't she?

They're just cleaning and polishing.
But why would she need Smiler?

He's the only one tall enough to
reach the cobwebs. That makes sense.

Happy now? Every day is Christmas!

Look out!

They ARE our bicycles!
But what are they doing here?

Our bicycles came to church,
Howard!

Are they telling us something?

But we did nothing in the park!

EEK !

Nice to see them back together
again. Gets you right here.

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